Are You Parenting Your Kids — Or People-Pleasing Them?

This episode is for the mom who keeps saying yes when she means no — and is finally ready to understand why.

In this solo episode, MaKenzie opens with a vulnerable life update on her sickness, her healing journey with the healthcare system, and the wound she had to face this week around trust, support, and asking for help. Then she dives into the teaching: the sneaky, invisible pattern of people-pleasing your children — and why it has nothing to do with being a bad mom and everything to do with your nervous system and your human design.

You'll learn why fawning is a survival response, how open centers in your human design chart make you absorb your child's emotions as if they were your own, and why permissiveness feels less safe to your kids than a regulated, grounded no. MaKenzie shares the five practical shifts that helped her stop abandoning herself to keep her kids comfortable — and start parenting from the kind of regulation that actually breaks cycles.

What We Cover

The personal life update — healing the wound around the healthcare system, antibiotics, and learning to receive support. Why people-pleasing your kids is not the same as being a loving, attuned parent. The exact behaviors that signal you are people-pleasing your child without realizing it. The nervous system response of fawning and why your body reads your child's meltdown as a threat. How human design and open centers cause moms to absorb and amplify their child's emotions. Why this pattern is generational and rooted in how we were raised. The hidden cost — why your kids do not actually feel as safe as you think they do with a permissive parent. The five practical shifts to stop people-pleasing your children and start regulating instead.

Connect with MaKenzie

Instagram: @thecleanmomedit

Free Training — The Reason You Mom The Way You Do A free audio training that walks you through all five human design types through the lens of motherhood. 

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Thank you for being here and for listening.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hi, welcome back to regulating and raising. Quick update on life. Last week I shared a lot about, you know, unprocessed emotions and just my sickness. And so within the week, I healed a major wound. And basically what that was was retrusting the healthcare system. So, you know, my beliefs are that I do not gear towards antibiotics. I haven't taken antibiotics. I do not, you know, care for them for my family. Realizing in certain situations, like I said, like life or death, like I would be more inclined, but that's just my values. It's that's not my first, you know, top of mind whenever we get sick is like I'm gonna take an antibiotic. So um God had a different plan for me this week um because I am on an antibiotic. Um, and how I got here was um Sunday night, I actually went to this amazing event um called like renewal, um, where one of the local, um, she's a local Christian life coach. Um, she's like my family long-term friend. Her name's Susan Scholl. She was speaking, and I hadn't got to meet her really in person or heard her speak. Um, and it was just such a lovely event. And they had like the best food, and I ate so good, and like I was feeling great by the end of the night. And I was like, okay, Monday is a new fresh week. Like I know I'm gonna feel so much better. And um, it comes and I feel even worse. And Monday morning, I literally was just like, I was mad. I was mad at the world, I was mad at my body, I was mad at myself. Like, how can I like I've been training my body to like overcome anything? You know, I put the work in, I I eat good, I exercise, I move, I take care of my inner world. Like I was literally like, why is this not working? And I felt completely hopeless. And I realized that, you know, with my experience of my father and his death and with healthcare professionals at a young age, like just not feeling heard, postpartum, not feeling heard, like always just I feel like I have gotten a lot of, you know, situations where like medicine was just like, yep, that's it. And then like I wasn't, it was never like followed up on, or obviously, like in my dad's situation, like I truly believe that. Like, and this is for another time, another podcast, but like he was put on prescriptions continuously, like just trying them out. And then he was also a part of like an experiment that I think ultimately led to him taking his own life. And my son's experience that I've had with him and his eczema. I mean, I like and again another podcast episode, but I just never felt heard or seen. And I know a lot of other moms like feel like this, you know, going through even for themselves or for, you know, their children. Um so I actually my son, my my kids don't have a primary because we don't go to the doctor very often. And we actually got released from our pediatrician because I wasn't going to the wellness appointments because I didn't see anything, a reason why to go monthly whenever my child was developing just fine. And so that is to each their own. Do understand like why that is great for some families, but that's just my belief is that I didn't feel like it. I just try to limit appointments in general. And it was just another appointment that I'm like, we don't need to go to it whenever he's healthy. So, anyways, it ended like that. So they released us and ultimately working in the healthcare industry, like did see the stuff that I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable like talking about. I think there will be come a day, but just yeah, just working in that industry, you you see stuff. So with that, I'm always like hesitant to go and to trust. But Monday, I was like, I have no other choice. I feel like I have to talk to somebody. So I went to urgent care and like it was the sweetest doctor, like sweetest front desk. Like we walked in seamlessly, like there wasn't a long line. Like, you know, urgent care. I always have like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna sit there with all those sick people. Like it was just, it was a great experience. Um and that was at HS here in my hometown. Um and I want to give them a little call out, but she looked at my throat and she was like, girl, you you gotta be on an antibiotic. Like there's nothing more that we can, you know, there's nothing that and I told her, like, my approach is more holistic. And she's like, This is you've been dealing with it, you know, with you know, for three weeks now, like this is your only option. She's like, and I'm gonna put you on a steroid because like your airways like look like they're about to close up. And honestly, like if you look at my face too, like you can see like this side is swollen. Like it is in my jaw, my ear canal. Like, yeah, the girls, I'm not physically to my best ability, and I'm being very grateful today. Um, I feel like I seriously resurrected like yesterday. Like, I feel like I died. Like that belief of mine, that cycle like died. Like, I do trust the healthcare system. I do think it's like very valuable in certain situations. Do I think like that should always be like our first approach? Like, no. Like, do I think that we should trust like like everybody's word? Like, no, but get get a couple opinions, do your own research, be your own advocate. Like, I I am that person, but I know like my sister's in healthcare. Like, uh, you know, this was a very struggle. Like, she is only in it for the good. Like, and so I just had to, I feel like I was brought this trial to heal that wound, to accept like help and support back into my life through that area. So had to share that story with you because I just want to be real of like I am breaking patterns and healing alongside you. And I want that for yourself and like me just reflecting on my life and like that situation, but knowing like God put that trial in my life for that reasoning to heal that wound. And also, like, I think honestly, that like, you know, antibiotics like heal or they uh get rid of the good bacteria and the bad. And that's why I never really wanted to take antibiotics because I'm like, I've done so much work on my gut. Like it is, you know, I don't want it to go in reverse. Um, but I think like I need like God was telling me, like, hey, you need a complete reset because like you've done like so much, like the life that you're living now is so different than even like the gal that you were six months ago. Like, we don't want to keep restoring like her. We want, we want to get rid of like all of that because like we want to bring you to this level so that you can again go to like the next level. Like I do feel like that is why that situation happened to me. But I cried over a turkey sandwich today. And I think crying, like I'm just a crier. Like I cry every, I mean, I just like embrace it. Like I cry when people when Joe Schmo's brother gets married. Like I just I love weddings, I love love. Like I'm just a crier. And today I'm just like, I love eating, I love food, I love, and I made my own bread. Like I was just like, I'm feeling so grateful for just life in general and good health. So with that, today we're talking about par, we're talking about people pleasing and not people pleasing your husband or your friends, but people pleasing your children. Where this kind of came about was um, I don't know, it was like a situation. Um, it was probably like, I don't know, like 8 20 at night. Like kids usually go to bed at like 8 30. And my my kids, you know, they asked me for like the third snack, um, you know, exhausted, hadn't sat down like all day. Like I knew, I knew the answer was no. Um, but I heard myself say yes. And the second the word came out of my mouth, this like hot wave of just like resentment moved through my chest. And I thought, like, what's wrong with me? Like, why did I just do that? And that moment's really like what I want to talk about today. And it's because it took me a long time to realize like what was actually happening in that situation. And like, I wasn't being loving. I was not being patient. I, you know, wasn't being a good mom. And I was people pleasing my kid, my child. And you guys, this is one of the most sneakiest, like most invisible patterns happening in motherhood right now. So people pleasing your kids is not the same as being a loving, like a tuned parent. And I I want to be clear about that. What it looks like is saying yes when you mean no because you can't handle the meltdown. It's avoiding conversations because you do not want them to be upset with you. It's over-explaining, it's over-negotiating every decision, doing things for them that they are fully capable of doing themselves. It's making yourself small so that they can feel big. It's letting them speak to you in ways you would never let another adult speak to you. So if any of those hit you in the chest, I'm with you. This is not a call out. This is a wake-up call. And for me too. And, you know, I heard this. I actually got invited to like another nervous system regulation coach's like pep talk. And she mentioned, like, she threw this just like it was very like nonchalant. Like, she's like, people pleasing your child. And I'm like, What? Like, yeah, I need to reflect on that a little bit. And I was like, actually, like, that is a lot of reasonings, like why we're in the society that we are. That's why I feel like kids, like, I do feel like kids control like the household. And so here's the part I really want you to hear today is like people pleasing your kids. It's it's not a character flaw, it's a nervous system response. And when your child cries, um, meltdown, slams the door, gives you the cold shoulder, your body reads it as a threat and your service system, your service, your nervous system then goes into protection mode. And one of the most common protection responses is something called fawning. And fawning is when you appease, when you accommodate, when you just give in, you know, throw in the towel, anything to make the discomfort go away. So when you say yes to that third snack, you are not being generous. Your body is trying to survive. And here is where human design comes in, because this part changed a lot for me as well. A lot of us are not just fawning out of trauma, we are fawning because we have spent our entire lives operating against our actual energetic design. And if you have an open or an undefined emotional center and human in your human design chart, you literally absorb and amplify the emotions in the room around you. So when your kid is melting down, you are not just witnessing it. You are feeling it in your body as if it is yours. So no wonder you cave, no wonder you say yes. Your system, it's being completely flooded with energy that was never yours to even carry in the first place. So the same is true for moms with open solar plexus or an open root, an open will. And we have been told our whole lives that we are just too sensitive, we're too emotional, we're too reactive. And then when we became moms and the dysregulation became constant, so we we people please to make it stop. This is generational. We were raised by parents who could not tolerate our big feelings either. So they shut us down or they gave in to keep the peace. We learned that love means making people comfortable, that being a good girl meant not rocking the boat. Now we are doing the same thing with our kids, just dressed up in you know, softer language, and we call it gentle parenting, we call it picking our battles, we call it choosing peace, but sometimes said with just so much love here. It's people pleasing. So cycle breaking is not just not yelling at your kids, it is also not abandoning yourself to keep them comfortable. That literally just like hits so hard to me once I had the realization of that. And you know, this is what like matters most about all of this is when you people please your child, like they learn their feelings are too big for you to hold. They lose the experience of someone holding a steady, like loving boundary. They do not get to practice tolerating disappointment, which is one of the most important life skills there is as being a human being. And here is uh the one that broke me they do not feel as safe as you think they do, and kids do not feel safe with a permissive parent, they feel safe with a regulated parent, but permissiveness feels like the floor is moving, it's it's shaky. Regulation feels solid. So you holding the line with love is the most regulating thing you can do for your child. So, how do we how do we stop this? You cannot stop people pleasing your kids until your nervous system can tolerate their disappointment.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

That's the work. So, what you're gonna do is one, pause before you answer.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

Even just for three seconds, like let your body like catch up to your mouth, let your body catch up to you know the situation. So many of us are like yeses are like reflexes, they're they're not like actual yeses. Two, know your design. If you have open centers, like recognize when the energy you are feeling is not actually yours, that alone changes the game. You can say to yourself, like, this is my child's emotion moving through me, it is not mine to fix. Three hold the line of softness. You can say no, and you can still be warm, you can still be a good mom, but the answer is still no. I love you, you can be upset with me, I'm right here with you. Boundary and warmth are not opposites. For regulate yourself first. So take a long, you know, inhale, exhale, hand to your chest, feet on the floor, remind your body like say it in the moment, like their big feelings are not a threat to me.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

I am safe and they are safe. And five, repair, do not rescue.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

If you mess up, repair later, but do not undo a healthy boundary because they cried. Repair says, I love you, I'm sorry for how I said it, but no, still stands.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

So here's what I want you to walk with today.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

Your kids do not need you to be their friend, they actually need you to be their safe place, and a safe place has walls. A safe place can hold no with the same love it holds you. Are not being mean when you stop people pleasing your child, you are being the kind of mom who breaks cycles. This is sacred work, and you are doing it. So before I wrap this up, if this episode is something like you light, if it lits something up, if it lights you up, if you're like, holy crap, McKenzie, like you know, this is you know, just a great reflection. Like you're ready to to take this work like deeper, like you're like, okay, like this is real stuff, like I need to work on. Like, come join us inside a line. It is my monthly membership for moms, like who are just completely done with surviving. Cause that's where I was at, and that's why I made this, and just actually ready to like live life. We do this work in community every single month for it's $33. Link is in the show notes, and I hope to see you there because like my hope is to change the world, even if it is for like, you know, just a couple of moms. Like, I don't care. Like, you know, if it's just for honestly, I I I'm doing this for moms, but I'm ultimately doing it for children too. Like, I want to break cycles. Like, I see the trajectory of like where children are going. Um, and I see them like reaching out for help, and they're just so precious to me. And I love them all so much that like, but I know that like their moms need regulated first, and then we can regulate them. So if this episode, you know, resonated with you, share it with a friend, tag me on Instagram, please leave me reviews. Like, the more that you share and the more that you review it, even just like a like, like it puts it in front of more moms, and more moms need to hear this because we're all not alone and we're all like dealing with a lot of stuff. Like we each have our own, you know, stories. Um, and this is the work that needs to be done. It is the easiest way to help more moms find the show. If you could help, I would appreciate it. So I love you guys, and I will see you all next week.