When God Takes the Blunt From Your Hand

Ever wondered how someone goes from addiction to ministry leadership? In this deeply personal episode, I share my raw, unfiltered testimony for the first time publicly. After introducing listeners to my family background in previous episodes featuring my mom, I now pull back the curtain on my own journey—from being raised in a multi-generational pastor's family to my struggles with identity, addiction, and finding my own faith.

My story doesn't follow a neat, predictable path. I share candidly about battling same-sex attraction from childhood, experiencing sexual assault in college, an unplanned pregnancy, and years of marijuana addiction. Through tears, I reveal how God spoke to me during my pregnancy, promising that my daughter would be "the ram in my bush"—the very thing that would save me from self-destruction.

The turning point came when my body began rejecting marijuana after years of heavy use. In that moment of forced sobriety, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "It's something that you did, it's not who you are." This profound revelation exposed one of the enemy's most effective tactics—connecting sin to identity. The journey from there wasn't easy, but through Christian community and small groups, I found healing, accountability, and a path toward serving in ministry.

This testimony speaks to anyone caught between kingdom values and cultural pressures. If you're struggling to break free from addiction, identity confusion, or past trauma, know that God hasn't given up on you. Your darkest moments can become the backdrop for His most powerful redemption story. What He has for you isn't necessarily easier, but I promise it's better than anything culture offers.

Transcript

Introducing Kingdom Over Culture

Speaker 1 0:18

What's up everybody. Welcome to Kingdom Over Culture podcast. My name is Ashley Potter and I am your host, so I'm so excited to have this podcast on today. The topic is going to be different than what we've done in the past. I'm so happy that I was able to do the first two episodes with my mom, because you were able to really see where I came from. My mom is really amazing, but she just really gives a good glimpse of just how I was raised and the background that I came from.

Speaker 1 0:45

In today's episode I'm going to be sharing my testimony and I'm not going to lie y'all. I'm really nervous about this because I've never really bore myself to this extent, but I believe that is for God's glory. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, so I believe that somebody is going to overcome after this. So just about myself right now. I am a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a worship pastor. I've been married for somewhere around seven to eight years I can't remember right now, but my husband surely knows I have three beautiful daughters an 11 year old, a nine year old and a three. No, she just turned four. I keep saying three. I don't know what that's about. But she's four and my little baby and so, yeah, that's kind of where I am in life right now. The Lord has just been doing a lot of things in my life. I've been a business owner for the last 15 years. I've been doing makeup for weddings and proms and all the things. I actually retire next month. The Lord is calling me to a shift in my life right now and we'll talk about that a little later. But yeah, so that's where I am right now and let's just get started in this testimony.

Raised in Faith: Church Foundations

Speaker 1 1:57

So I grew up with two amazing, god-fearing parents. On my mom's side, my grandparents are pastors, my great-grandparents are pastors and church planners in the Bahamas, and so I come from a very deep-rooted Christian faith. I believe my mom told me my first word was hallelujah, because she brought me up in the holiness church as a baby. She had me in the church every single day, and so the first words I said was hallelujah, because she had me in the church that heavy. I can remember just those days and you know she wore no pants, she had on the skirt, no makeup, you know, and my daddy just looking, looking good, and I was like this ain't right. But I was raised up in the church. My mom actually got serious about God when she was pregnant with me and I believe that that was such a pivotal thing that the Lord was doing. My dad got saved After a while. After my mom had me I believe somewhere around that my parents um got married when I was six months old and they really raised me in the admonition of the Lord. Um, my dad, I love my dad. I'm such a daddy's girl. I grew up seeing my dad study scripture every day at the dining room table. I have horror stories of my dad waking me up at 6 am in high school to do Bible study. That's just the kind of environment that I grew up in as a kid and as a young teen. But when I found Christ for myself even though my parents, you know they raised me in the church and all these different things my finding the Lord was actually not with them.

Finding Jesus & Early Struggles

Speaker 1 3:48

I can remember I was in the first grade and I had a teacher named Ms Peoples. Shout out to Ms Peoples. I'm pretty sure she's not alive anymore because she was very old when I was in the first grade, but I know her spirit is with the Lord and Ms Peoples. I went to a Christian elementary school, private school, and Ms Peoples was showing us this video. It was around Easter and it was a video about Jesus and he was on the cross and it was a cartoon, so it wasn't like gory or nothing like that, but it was the Easter story, it was the resurrection story. And I remember, sitting at my desk I just felt so overwhelmed and I just began to weep. And my teacher, she saw me and she called me out in the hallway. She said, ashley, are you okay? What's going on? And I told her I think I want Jesus in my heart and she led me in the salvation prayer that day and from that day I know we all, like a lot of us church kids, have that finding Jesus, like getting saved, in your childhood. But I would say for me this wasn't like a. My parents made me do a type thing. I really felt the power of the Holy spirit that day and I can remember that feeling even right now, even through my childhood.

Speaker 1 5:04

Um, I had this struggle with like I knew who the Lord was. But it was a lot of things that happened to me, happened with me as a kid. Um, I battled with homosexuality and, um, same sex attractions. For as long as I can remember it wasn't. I won't say I felt like it was something I was born with, but it was something that was put onto me. Um, my first sexual experiences were all with girls that were my age. I used to joke as a teen and say I was a chick magnet because for some reason, everywhere that I went, girls would just kind of throw themselves at me and I couldn't figure out. I didn't know the term lesbian or the term gay at the time. But as I got older I learned what those things were about. I learned, you know, how the Lord felt about them as well, and so that was a major struggle for me as a kid.

Speaker 1 6:10

I didn't tell my parents what was going on. You know my parents my mom's not from this country and my dad's a country boy they find themselves in Savannah, georgia, meeting at Savannah State University, shout out to HBCUs across the nation, and so they just settled here. I didn't have any family or anything like that. So the connections that I did have, I was so afraid to sever them because it was the only family I had, and I really just couldn't recognize how those relationships, honestly, were supposed to go, because that's all I knew.

Speaker 1 6:49

Fast forward to high school, I really struggled with that identity portion and if anybody's watching this and knows me from Savannah, georgia, windsor Forest High School, I had a girlfriend my 12th grade year and I found freedom in that relationship. But I also found bondage in that relationship and I knew the Lord and I knew what the scripture said about homosexuality and those things and honestly, I just knew it wasn't for me. And so I had a great idea. I really wanted to like go to college here in Savannah. My mom was like you know, you should venture out, get out. You know, go far away, find yourself. You know, discover yourself college. I thought that that would open the door for me to escape this lifestyle that I've stepped into and to draw closer to God, because that's really what I wanted. And little did I know I was stepping into the fire.

College Years: Into the Fire

Speaker 1 8:03

I went to college. My roommate was a 6'2 community. That's who I hung out with, that's what I was surrounded by, and that was my life. When I got on campus, the very thing that I thought I was running away from I ran straight into. Even though it was a Christian college, I was, you know, still, we had church services that we had to go through, go to every Tuesday, things like that and I would skip out, go, slap my cards, look like I was there and leave. It was really not only a culture shock, but it was a. It was a major struggle for me. It was a major struggle for me, honestly. It was a major struggle for me. It was a major struggle for me Honestly.

Speaker 1 9:07

I did wrestle with the thought like I came here to get closer to God and like God put me right here in the middle of this. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to be, you know doing, maybe this is the life that I'm supposed to live. And, honestly, it was another lesbian that went to the school and she told me one day she was like Ashley, this is not for you. She was like you're, this isn't for you. And hearing her say that honestly, like it kind of broke my heart a little bit, cause I kind of had a crush on her. But also it just just for the first time since I had been on that campus, it reminded me of, like, really, really, why I came here and I took some time to kind of step back from that community. I started spending time with other friends and things like that on the campus and went through some things, got into some other things not anything too crazy but got a boyfriend and just started going to church. I actually started the first gospel choir on that campus. It was a predominantly white college and I was finding myself even more in the Lord.

Speaker 1 10:25

And after me and my boyfriend broke up, it was kind of it was a little bit of a separator. He was real serious about our relationship and I was just like, eh wait, sir, I'm young. So I severed that relationship and after that kind of got mixed up in the wrong crowds, because he really kind of helped me stay solid, to be honest, and I got mixed up in the wrong crowd kind of, and started smoking weed and doing all these different things that I really wasn't doing like that. And one night, me and my homegirl we were really good friends with the campus drug dealer and he invited us over to smoke and I don't know if it was laced with something or something, but needless to say, I got so high that I was paralyzed. I literally could not move. My hands, my body, I was consciously awake, my eyes could move, but I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't do anything. And my friend she's high and drunk and the guy he was like, well, you know what, she could just sleep on my couch and you can go home, you just come back and get her tomorrow. And so she left and when she left me there, he raped me and I've never shared this story so openly. I just, honestly, was able to go into detail with my husband about it a few months ago. But I think it's important because there's more stories like this and it's more important because of what happened afterwards After that incident.

Pregnancy & Divine Intervention

Speaker 1 12:24

I didn't recognize it, but I began to spiral. I just began to do whatever I wanted to do. I had to leave school because I wasn't going to class, wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, and everybody could see the things that I was doing wrong, but nobody could see the pain that I was dealing with. I didn't tell anybody on the campus. I didn't tell any of my friends. I didn't tell anybody because of the status of the guy and it's whatever. It's not whatever, but that's how I made it seem. I just was like you know, whatever. It's not whatever, but that's how I made it seem. I just was like you know, it's whatever, I'm going to just keep going. And that led me to just a downward spiral in my life when it came to relationships with men and just all that stuff, and I ended up getting pregnant. I found myself getting. I found myself pregnant.

Speaker 1 13:21

I was in the Bahamas with my best friend at the time and my sister and I remember I took that pregnancy test because I was, like you know, trying to drink little piña coladas, you know little Bahama mamas, and like everything was disgusting and I'm like this is not right. And so my sister was like you might be pregnant. I'm like man, I am definitely not pregnant. I tell you that we took that pregnancy test in the Bahamas and it was. We took three. They was all positive. I was like this is the Bahamas test. I got to wait until I get to the States because I can't believe this right now. And so I got to the States, took another pregnancy test in like as soon as we got there and it was positive. And I remember I told my friend and I told my sister. I said y'all are going to be the only ones that ever know about this, because I was definitely not about to go home and tell my parents I was pregnant.

Speaker 1 14:21

And so, me and my friend, we drove down to Fort Lauderdale and caught a boat to the Bahamas. So we were driving back. It's about a seven hour drive from Fort Lauderdale to Savannah. And we're driving back and I had a dream. I was asleep in the passenger seat and I was in this white room with no ground, no ceiling, no walls really. It was just white everywhere and I was just kind of floating and these voices just began to taunt me and they just kept saying coward, coward, coward, like they were. It was almost like the voices were hitting me from every direction and I just remember saying like I'm not a coward. And then I heard the voice of the Lord. He said if you do this, the only thing that your child will know about you is that you're a coward. And I woke up tears flowing down my face. And I woke up tears flowing down my face and I knew at that moment I couldn't deny the responsibilities of the actions that I've made.

Speaker 1 15:40

I went home and I immediately told my parents I was pregnant and that was the hardest season of my life because of the downward spiral that I had. I didn't know who my daughter's father was. And let me let me backtrack Wait, wait, wait, because I knew it was one of two people. I just didn't know which one of those two people it was and honestly I didn't want it to be either one. So sorry, um, but I'm like you know these, not dudes that I'm like I want to spend dealing with for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1 16:10

And so I had, like, this hard situation that I was facing and I felt so alone and honestly I was alone. Church started treating me different Parents, family, I mean, my dad was just so heartbroken. He didn't talk to me, honestly, for most of the time I was pregnant, but I have a good father. He was really heartbroken, but he also built an addition to his home for me and my child. So that was a really hard time. So that was a really hard time and I just remember the only solitude. The only friend that I had was the Lord.

Speaker 1 17:09

I had a drawing to the word of God for the first time in my life. I didn't have anybody to talk to, anyone to relate to. I couldn't talk to anybody, but I had my prayer time and I had the scriptures and the Lord began to speak to me more in that season than he ever had in my life. One day I was reading about Abraham and Isaac and the Lord told me thank you, that my daughter was going to be the ram in my bush. She was going to be the ram in the bush of my life and I named her Mariah after Mount Mariah, where Abraham took Isaac. During that season, the Lord used me to lay hands on the sick and I saw them recover for the first time in my life. During that season, the Lord gave me prophetic words and I'm so grateful for that time that he spent with me and I'm so grateful for that time that he spent with me. Ooh guys, I didn't want to cry today. I'm so grateful for that time that he spent with me because it changed my life. It changed my life and he was 100% correct.

Marijuana Addiction & God's Intervention

Speaker 1 18:43

My daughter was the ram in my bush. She was the awakening. She made me come out of my slumber and try to do something with my life, because I was just coasting. I was wrecked with pain and hurt and confusion, and she brought me clarity and the Lord just continued to just move in my life after I had her. But there were some things that I was still battling and I didn't have the community, honestly, that I needed to keep me in that place and I met my husband and I met my husband in a club, y'all. I met him in a club and me and him started, you know, seeing each other and dating Me and him started, you know, seeing each other and dating. And shortly after that we got pregnant with our second daughter.

Speaker 1 19:53

And after that time of just, I moved out of my parents' house, moved away and started just doing whatever I wanted to do and I started smoking weed, real heavy after that time and honestly, guys, I was Actually they used to call me pothead potter, like I was very serious and it was to the point where I wasn't convicted about it. I wasn't convicted at all about it at that time and I would pray often at all about it at that time and I would pray Often. I was going to church. I wasn't serving in the church now, but I was going to church every week because I still had that connection to the Lord and I still had a desire for Him. But now I found myself living this life that I didn't know exactly how to escape. So the place where I found peace and rest was just to consistently at least go to church.

Speaker 1 20:51

And, um, I found myself addicted to marijuana. Um, every morning I woke up every night before I went to sleep throughout the day. I mean, I literally started smoking on my lunch break at one point. It was really bad, um, and I would pray um, you know, lord, if this is, if this not pleasing to you, like, show me. You're going to have to show me. I would make this joke that Jesus was going to have to come down and take the blunt out of my hand himself. And let me tell y'all, he, he pretty much did that. Um, after smoking consistently for a few years, my body created a what's the word? It just began to reject it honestly. And for two years the doctors couldn't understand what was going on with my body. I would have these spells of just vomiting for weeks at a time, and it was because of the marijuana.

Speaker 1 21:59

One day I went to a doctor and he asked me you know about smoking? And I ain't never been one to lie about no doctor, about nothing. Let me tell you y'all, better not be lying to them doctors, they not the cops. I did not lie to my doctor. I always, every time they be like do you smoke? I say not cigarettes, they know what that mean.

Speaker 1 22:22

And so this one doctor in particular, he was like hmm, ok, like how often do you smoke? And I was like, hmm, every day, yeah, he was like OK. He said Google this word. I typed it in, I ain't gonna hold y'all, I can't remember the word. I typed it in. He said read those. You know symptoms. What does that sound like? I said that sounds like me. He said let's try this, humor me, stop smoking and let's see if your body heals itself. And I'm like OK, doc, so what you mean, like just on the weekends, like what you mean? He's like no, indefinitely stop.

Speaker 1 23:09

And I was like okay, and I remember leaving that doctor's appointment and getting in my car and crying, I had my hands on the steering wheel, my head just bowed and I just wept. Had my hands on the steering wheel, my head just bowed and I just wept. And I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit say it's something that you did, it's not who you are. And I realized that I had connected my relationship with marijuana to my identity. That was the first time that I had a realization of the tricks and the schemes of the enemy to connect sin to identity. And I went home I told my husband and he was like, yes, I'm so glad because he's been taking care of me this whole time. Like I'm glad and I'm just like he's been taking care of me this whole time, like I'm glad and I'm just like man, what? What do you mean? I was so heartbroken to lose this thing that I, honestly, I loved it. I loved it, but I had prayed, lord, you know, if this isn't for me, if this is something that doesn't please, you take it away from me. Cause I knew I couldn't take it away from myself.

Speaker 1 24:24

And I went through that journey of getting sober and it was extremely hard. It was extremely hard coming to the realization that I had an addiction. I swore up and down you cannot be addicted to weed. That is a lie. It's a lie. I found out so much about marijuana after the fact. I found out that marijuana stunts your emotional growth and development and so after I stopped, I would have these panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't control my emotions, I would cry a lot and all these different things.

Speaker 1 25:09

And I sat down with a therapist from Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, florida, and she began to tell me about all the studies about marijuana that are not blatantly out there and showing me how they're actually at work in me, and I started smoking at about 24, 23. So my emotional growth as a 30 something year old was a 23 year old. Something year old was a 23 year old the time where my I was supposed to be creating those defense mechanisms, mentally and internally, the way that God created my body, too. I was replacing it with marijuana, so I never had to deal with my issues. I never had to deal with hard things. I just had to smoke, and I don't know who that's for.

Speaker 1 26:04

It's not who you are Right. It's just something that you do, and I promise you it's not just about what people say, like what makes you less smart or something like that removes brain cells. I can't remember what they used to say when I was growing up in there, but you know, listen, there did not work. I'm so sorry. Y'all, we're all doing drugs. I stopped, thank God, but it's way more than that, and I found out that it causes you to actually have more anxiety, more stress and more depression, causing you to want to use it even the more so if you ever try to stop smoking. Even probably within the first few days, you'll find yourself more angry or more frustrated, making you want to smoke, because that is the effects of marijuana. I'm sorry, y'all, I'm sorry to bust your bubble that, it just is what it is.

The Importance of Christian Community

Speaker 1 27:09

And so I found myself in my thirties now trying to work on those things that I, those defense mechanisms and those tools that I should have created in my twenties to be able to handle hard things, because let me tell you what this life is hard. But the best thing that I found through this entire process is a deeper relationship with the Lord. After I stopped smoking, I turned to the Lord completely, completely. My relationship with him went to another place, and one of the things that I started doing was I started going to small groups at my church. I think it's so important to get in Christian community. Guys, god did not just save us just to be saved. He saved us to put us in community.

Speaker 1 28:03

I didn't grow up in a church where we had small groups that we had community. We went to church and we came home. Those was our church friends. We've seen them when we was there, but we didn't have community. We didn't have anyone to keep us accountable. Small groups changed my life. It was in small groups that I was able to take the mask off. It was in small groups that I was able to say, hey, my name is Ashley and I have a problem. My name is Ashley and I'm dealing with this. And not only was I able to say, hey, my name is Ashley and I have a problem. My name is Ashley and I'm dealing with this. And not only was I able to find biblical answers, I was able to find community to say you know what? I'm dealing with this too. You're not alone.

Speaker 1 28:42

It was during that time that I realized like the enemy tried to make me feel like I'm the only one that's dealing with this, I'm the only one that are dealing with these issues in my past. But there was so many more people, there was so much more of a community than I realized. And I'm so grateful for the church that God planted me in Because, honestly, the person that I was when I walked through them doors when I was 22, 23 years old, still smoking weed, do whatever the heck I wanted to do, I'm now the worship pastor. I didn't see that in my future. I didn't see the plans that the Lord had for me, but I'm grateful that even in my sin, I was able to hear his direction. He was able to still lead me when I wasn't willing to give him a full yes. So, whatever space that you find yourself in right now, I want to encourage you don't give up on God, because he sure didn't give up on you and he will not Continue to show up. Let that word change you, let that word work out in you and work out in your life. Start getting in community, start showing up to the small groups. I know it could seem lame at first, but I'm telling you, once you get into those spaces, you realize aha, this is what God created us to do. This is how God meant for the church to operate in.

Speaker 1 30:06

Whether that's in a house church or you're in a big church, you need to find Christian community. It is so important. It is so important. I tell a lot of the young ladies and young men that come to me in our church the first things they're like. You know, I'm just starting this Jesus thing and I'm trying to figure out where to go, what to do Small groups, small groups, small groups. You need to get in a small group. If this one don't work out for you, try another one. Don't stop, get. Find community, find Christian community. It is very, very, very important, not only just for your spiritual growth, but also for your mental growth, for your mental capacity. You have somebody that you can call and that will actually pray with you. It's important, guys.

Speaker 1 30:58

And so, yeah, now, years later, I find myself leading in the church, and that's something that I honestly never wanted to do, and I'll tell more of that story later. I feel like today the Lord just wanted me to share my transition from darkness to light to darkness to light, and how he really remained through my life and how he saved me, how he rescued me, and I'm really, really grateful for that. I'm really really grateful that he saw fit to go generations in my past to make sure that I was okay. I didn't even share about the three times I tried to take my life. We don't have enough time the three times I tried to take my life. We don't have enough time. But it's a hard battle.

Final Encouragement & Looking Forward

Speaker 1 31:55

When the world is telling you that it's okay to be who you are, who you think you are, and the word's telling you something that's different. I would tell you don't go by what you hear. Find out for yourself. Find out what the word says for yourself. Find out what the word of God is saying for yourself. Seek the Lord for yourself. Yeah, I'm glad that you were able to hear some of my story.

Speaker 1 32:29

I couldn't tell the whole thing because we'd be here all day and I'll probably trickle it even more over the next few weeks, but I feel like those are the key things that the Lord just really wanted me to open up about and to share with you. I hope that you don't run away and that you come back and join me next week for the next episode. I promise you I'll get into some scripture and get into some word, because that's what we're here for. But I just want to encourage anyone who is struggling with. I want to be fruitful in the kingdom of God, but this culture has a hold on me.

Speaker 1 33:08

It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth your peace, it's not worth your joy. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth your peace, it's not worth your joy, it's not worth your health. What God has for you is so much better and I'm not saying that it's easier, I'm not saying that it's going to come without pain or without hardship, but what I am saying is it is better. I love you. I can't wait to see you guys next week.