Life Lessons and Healing: An Interview with Natalee

Overcoming Trauma & Finding Healing: Natalee's Journey - Episode 1
Join Marvae as she welcomes special guest Natalee Garay Espinal, an associate licensed clinical social worker and crisis intervention specialist. In this first episode of a three-part series, Natalee shares her life story, discussing her early years, experiences with trauma, PTSD diagnosis, and the path she has taken towards healing and personal growth. Discover how lifelong learning, spirituality, and mental health support have shaped Natalee's journey. Don't miss this insightful conversation and stay tuned for the upcoming episodes. Like, subscribe, and leave your questions or comments below!  

Transcript

0:00

Hi, it's Marvae. Thank you for tuning in with me today. I am so delighted to have Natalie Garay Espinal. She is an associate licensed clinical social worker and crisis intervention specialist. Today, she's gonna discuss her life experiences and share her insights into lifelong learning and honesty through healing. This will be the first of a three part series to engage in meaningful conversation about living through trauma and how it's transformed her life. I hope you enjoy, and if you like the content of this video, please like and subscribe.

Marvae: 0:40

Hi Natalee. Thank you for joining me today. I'm super excited that you're here. So why don't we start with you telling our viewers what your content is gonna be about.

Natalee: 0:51

Perfect. Thank you for having me. I'm super excited to be here and just my story, kind of going through a, a life review first is my plan for this talk, and then the following one. Be strictly about my education and my process to get there in case anyone's interested and wants to know how I got to being a crisis intervention specialist and also working to pursue a licensure in social work. So, I'll be talking about that in the next video. And then the third video is going to be about a more recent pretty traumatic experience that I had where I was attacked by a, a dog and, was a pretty significant amount of damage to my leg, and so I just wanted to give that its own importance because it was a recent, really traumatic thing that happened. And so, you know, I think there's some viewers out there that could, appreciate just the process of healing and the things that I did to get back to grounding myself after kind of being immobile for a good month. So yeah, that's gonna be the progression of what I'm gonna share. So, without further ado, would you like me to just get started?

Marvae: 2:09

Absolutely. Let's get rolling

Natalee: 2:12

let's get rolling. Okay. So who am I? So let's see. I basically grew up in the Bay Area. I moved around a lot from what I can remember when I was younger. So this is like, elementary school age

Marvae: 2:27

Mm-hmm.

Natalee: 2:28

My most probably vivid memories, I would say would be middle school and on. And the reason I say that is because I do have lived experience. I was sexually abused as a child, and so a lot of that, really played a part in kind of how I absorbed memories and lost memories. so later on, which I will get to, I was diagnosed formally with PTSD and started to understand. Why I was not able to access those memories, and just be able to put timelines together before middle school. So, but from what I can remember and from what I've talked about with my family members, is that we moved around a lot, but basically stayed in the Bay Area. and the bay area's always been good to me. I mean, it's just great weather. Like I never really wanna leave, but.

Marvae: 3:25

Yeah, California weather.

Natalee: 3:27

Yeah, who knows where, where my journey will take me. And I was very shy as a child. Now if you were to meet me in person, you would probably say something different, but yeah, all throughout childhood elementary age and going leading up into middle school, I was a very shy person. I liked to keep to myself. And I still like to do that now. I find that it's very grounding for me. But I think part of that too was because of just what I was going through at the time and I really felt safe being within myself and my own space and mind spent a lot of time in my room. I was a very studious, a very studious student. I liked to get A's, and I just liked to get my work done. But I do remember a, a vivid home that I lived in, in Millbury. And this was right before I went into middle school and we had a just a really. Beautiful, kind of whimsical backyard and I just remember it being a very safe place for me. I loved being outside and being around nature, and that's very much a part of my healing story, which I'll get into later on in, in another talk. But I just remember that space being just the most beautiful backyard. It had a little playhouse in it and it was just, there was just nooks and crannies. and. don't know why, but I'm very drawn to just kind of fairies and gnomes and just, you know, this kind of magical space that, you know, I think is there in, in my imagination. So when I was younger I really played a lot on that. Going into middle school was again, you know, it was very isolating experience because I just didn't really like to be social. And so there were some significant things that happened in middle school between students that really kind of set the tone for. the experience I was gonna have there. And that was hard. You know, kids can be mean, kids can be,

Marvae: 5:23

Yeah.

Natalee: 5:24

you know, and it's, it's a hard thing to navigate. So, but I got through it, you know, and went into high school with kind of the same energy. I wasn't very involved in any clubs or anything like that. And, yeah, just had a very small group of friends. My ethnicity is I would say probably 70% Nicaragua and the other 30% is Danish and a mix of some other things. I mean, I could. totally off. But people meet me, they always ask me that question, you know, what is your ethnic background? Unfortunately I don't speak Spanish as well as I understand it so I can understand a conversation. That's definitely something on my bucket list to get done is. Learn how to speak Spanish properly outside of conversation. fun fact, I did spend four years taking Spanish in high school and I still still struggle. But I say that because, know, you would think that I would have wanted to like, join a club based on my ethnicity in high school, but I did not. And that's okay. You know, I still, there still was a, a nice, healthy Latin community in high school, which was nice. So I didn't feel isolated or alone or anything like that. And it was overall like a studious experience. And then once I finished high school, it was kind of like, bit of an open window. I didn't really know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I just didn't really have a solid kind of knowing of myself. So, of course, in your twenties, in my perspective, we make a lot of mistakes, right? We just, we're just trying to figure it out. So, you know, I ended up working for the first time and just kind of navigating what it. Feels like to be a taxpayer and you know, like and, you know talk to coworkers and just navigate that space of working together as a team. which was interesting because, you know, I, as a shy person and basically being isolated, choosing to be isolated from being social. Now when you're working, you don't have a choice. So that's something that you are expected to do. So I learned a lot about how to communicate with people through my employment. And I had my son when I was 24, so I was, I was young. definitely wasn't a planned thing, but a beautiful, beautiful experience and entry into parenthood. He is now 21, and thriving. He's very handsome and active and just doing a lot of things. but at the time, you know, again, managing PTSD, managing a tumultuous childhood and going into parenthood, I had a, a refocus. And so now I was like, okay, I know what my purpose is. I am meant to rear this beautiful human being. And so that was my target. and watching him grow has been. The most amazing. Experience, it's been very healing. Even though relationships in between that time were happening and not necessarily functioning the way that I would've liked them to, I still had my son. And so I spent a lot of time with him. And I, at that time I was actually working in childcare, and the bulk of the first half of probably the first 17 years of employment. c childcare, ended up getting a degree, in early childhood education, which I'll talk more about in the next video. But that really did help kind of build a foundation for me as a mom. I hadn't quite figured out what it meant to work through, through trauma and, and mental health. I didn't really know a lot about that, but I'd heard about it from friends and social media and just, you know, outside conversations. So I had already had those seeds planted within my environment, but I didn't act on it. I didn't know that I could go out and get help. I didn't know that there were therapists out there. I didn't know that there was this whole nother informational space where I could talk with people and connect with groups and network to figure out how do I live my life with PTSD. How do I live my life with trauma? What do I do, right? So I invested all of my energy in being a parent and being a mom, that was still something big that was in my life that really needed attention and probably was part of the reason why. I had different levels of. We'll say depression, and that wasn't really named until later, but that's what it felt like during the times that I wasn't addressing my trauma. And four years after my son was born, I had my daughter. And that was a little bit more of a, of a deeper and, entry into being a mom again, because I didn't know what postpartum depression was. I didn't have any awareness of it. and of course, you only know what you know, right? So if I didn't know about it. didn't ask about it. So, I ended up starting to just feel these very heavy, heavy bouts of sadness and I didn't know where that was coming from. lack of energy, not wanting to get up, not wanting to do things, not even wanting to engage with my kids. It was a pretty, a pretty tough first year. You know, again, rearing a second child. And of course a daughter, you know, having a son different, you know, different experience. Having a daughter, different experience. I loved that I had a boy and a girl, but navigating that was, was a hard time. and so, you know, again. with PTSD and just

Marvae: 11:04

Yeah.

Natalee: 11:05

that I had in childhood, was a lot that I was carrying with me, and I didn't realize that until later on when I finally decided to address this, know, mental health. that I had. and so moving forward there were some key and experiences that happened in between my son being born and my daughter being bored. and I wanna say it because it's very, it was a very significant time in my life where I was. Very deep sadness. My brother passed away to suicide and that was before my daughter was born. And so was just a really hard time for the family, you know, navigating that sadness of loss. me being the oldest in my family. Purposefully wear the hat of being the eldest. But that energy still stayed with me. That responsibility, that kind of like taking on the, the, the guilt and the shame for something that happened that again was just, was out of my control, but I still felt the sadness of not being able to fix or help that situation and my brother. And so I was navigating that. And between having my son and then having my daughter. So my brother didn't get to meet my daughter, but I have had multiple conversations about who he was just him as a person and just the light that he was in our family. And know, I talk about him like he's right next to me. You know, I, I carry his spirit with me everywhere that I go. and I think it's, it's beautiful now to have passed through that heaviness and sadness and, and loss that we felt to now be in a space of remembering his life, right? Remembering his story and remembering what he brought to our family and who he was. So I'm always reminding myself of that especially when I'm in meditation and prayer. And so, you know, these were some heavy things that were happening in my life and I was really trying to navigate that just as a human being, you know, aside from being a mother, you know, and then also being an employee in society and managing friends, right, and managing, you know, my other siblings, it. There's so many things to juggle, right? How the heck do you do this when you also have all of this heavy mental health stuff that you're dealing with? It's not easy. and the reason I say that, and I, and I want to let viewers know that, is because you're not alone. You know, as humans, we, we are not promised that we're not gonna go through hardship. And we have many outlets to be able to help us, but I think the biggest thing is choosing to take the help. Right. Choosing to want to, to get healthy and get help and find those spaces where you can find the healing that you need. And so after my daughter, I gotten. Out of that relationship a short time, and then got into another relationship where I ended up marrying that person. And I was married for about 12 years. and, and I got divorced. And, and that's okay. You know, I have made peace with that. It was a, it was an experience it was 12 years of being in relationship with someone and being cohesive and rearing. These two amazing kids. He didn't have kids of his own, so he basically took on a little mini family. So I'm forever grateful for that. But in between that time, didn't really understand necessarily what I was going through, and that's not his fault, right? Because I didn't communicate those things I didn't want to. was something that I felt that I could deal with on my own. And I've learned over time that that is the backwards way of thinking about it, right? Because there's many. Ways that we can outreach, right? That we can outsource and find help. We don't have to be alone in anything, but it's always a choice. And so for me, I didn't feel safe enough and vulnerable enough to invite him in to understand what pain I was going through. So during that time of my marriage, I ended up needing to reach out to get into some psychotherapy, and I'm glad that I did because that was. Basically my first introduction into what is therapy? What is a therapist? What does that even mean? And how are they going to help me with my internal pain? Right? And so I want to also mention, because it's very important that anyone who's going to find psychotherapy, you wanna find a goodness of fit. Right. It's not a one and done. This is a relationship that you have with someone, so you wanna make sure that it is tailored to your needs. How you feel with that person, because you're gonna be communicating with them probably weekly or biweekly, And you're gonna be sharing some very intimate things. So it took me a little while to find a sweet spot to find someone that could really understand and hold space for me. but once I finally found someone that could do that, was diagnosed with PTSD and also major depressive disorder. Which totally made sense. I've been carrying all of these past experiences with me and this really heavy energy and I just didn't know what to do with it. this individual helped me work through my mind. Work through things that were facts and things that were fallacies, helped me learn how to be more holistic with myself, right? Tap into the things that I absolutely enjoy doing, I realized that I had already been doing 99.9% of that, which was singing Dancing, yoga, meditation. I mean, I did it all. I just didn't know that it was basically holding me this whole time until I actually got to talk with a therapist and actually speak this pain, right? Give it some language of keeping it here, translating it from here. To hear, give it its importance and give and honor it. Honor it for what it was, and then release it. that was a beautiful process and we'll talk more about that in the next video. When I talk about mental health,

Marvae: 17:51

Okay.

Natalee: 17:53

and so. Yeah, it was, it, it was a really good journey, I would say. You know, some rough patches there, trying to find a good sweet spot with a psychotherapist, but at the end right. There is a goodness of fit. You know? There is. And so I just wanna give people that information and that hope that it, it's not necessarily the person, it's just how they interact with you, right? And how you connect with them. And so. I would say also something else that, that really has been kind of like a, a red thread throughout my life has been spirituality. now I preface it as spirituality because I was raised in a Christian non-denominational household, so the foundation and roots of religion come from Christianity. But I had to make peace with what that meant to me. And as a. Human being in the world. I am absolutely 100% okay with that. And I invite anybody who's grappling with religion and spirituality and what those two mean, you will find your answer. You just gotta go on a journey to find it, whatever that is for you. now that I name it as spirituality, what I mean by that is that I had to kind of go in search of what did it mean to be outside of four walls. I've always known four walls. That's the church, the community, the congregation, the pastor, the, the body of the church, right? That's where you go to get that source and that energy and that fellowship, but. I wasn't connecting with that anymore and I couldn't understand why. And so instead, went and researched and found out about other religions and other practices and started to learn more about them and just give it its space. Not that I necessarily dove deep into spending years. Practicing these things. I just wanted to know about it. I, I was curious. Right. And so going on that journey was interesting because I, I experienced different things. And again, I'll leave that for the next video'cause I, I wanna give it its depth, but.

Marvae: 20:11

Okay.

Natalee: 20:12

It is a journey, right? It's a, it's a, it's an invitation to about yourself and be curious about yourself and why it is your heart, your mind, your soul is moving you through and guiding you to these different modalities, right? And so is the epicenter of, of. Everything that I am and has been there throughout this life journey. I pray every day. I have meditation every day. I am in gratitude every day, did I just wake up and be like that? Absolutely not. It has taken discipline and practice put my mind in that state. To be open, to receive and to be open to heal, to be open, to forgive all of those larger, abstract components of mental health and just, we'll call it life in general. So. That is of all encompassing, I think of, of my, of my life examination so far. Presently I do hold the title of crisis intervention Specialist. I am a practice. Practicing clinician. I also am a salsa teacher and I'm also a yoga teacher. And if your viewers haven't figured out already, I am a Virgo through and through, which means I love to work and I love to work against myself, right? It's me against me. So if I want to do something, I'm gonna do it right? Like it's just my energy. So I think being studious and, and, and being shy and being self isolated really was kind of a, a, a beautiful way of. Of, of getting me in the zone, kind of that, that, that zone of learning. And I've always had that throughout my life. It's, it's been my, my comfort zone is to learn and absorb new content and new information. So are the hats that I wear right now, including being a mom full-time you know, both my kids. I'm actually working towards being an empty nester to be honest. My kids are. They're just thriving. My daughter's gonna graduate from high school next year. My son just got a great job, so I'm extremely proud of them. And it's beautiful because an empty nester, I just, I'm so excited for the next chapter of my life, you know, whatever that is, you know, whatever I'm drawn to. so I have a little bucket list of things that I wanna. Tackle.

Marvae: 22:59

Okay.

Natalee: 23:00

I am in a relationship, a very healthy relationship. One that was unexpected, that was, I think in my mind, divinely orchestrated one that was gifted to me for. Many reasons, but I think the most important to teach me how to learn to love unconditionally. And this individual knows me like the back of his hand. Sometimes I don't even have to think. He, he knows what I need. He knows what I'm thinking. He knows how I feel. That takes some time to get to that level of a relationship where you can know someone, without even speaking. Right. So I am very blessed to be in that relationship. He is the the supporter of me and everything that I do, including my children. it's a, it's just a, it, it's so to experience this many facets of, of a supportive relationship. I'm, I'm so internally grateful to all of the angels and the heavens for this because I think that I. I didn't know that I was working towards this. I didn't know that I was gonna be granted this blessing. So makes that gratitude like 10 times more potent for me. And I feel that we are on this path, right, of moving towards the goals and the things that we want to accomplish together. And that's essentially a beautiful thing to happen in a relationship when you're both on the same wavelength and you know what you want and you know what you wanna do for the world. just such a beautiful feeling. So that's where I'm at today. And you know, I'm looking forward to sharing with you these other videos. There, there's some really good content that I wanna share and, I encourage your viewers to ask questions like if they have anything that they wanna follow up on or ask me, because all of these things that I've shared today, they're, they're heavy hitters, right? And so I'm sure know that people have questions about certain things and how I through certain things. And I'm happy to answer those questions. but yeah, I just. Thank you for giving me this platform. This is the first

Marvae: 25:30

Absolutely

Natalee: 25:32

talked about my life like this in review,

Marvae: 25:36

and so fluid about it.

Natalee: 25:37

Yeah. I, I, I, I, before we got on, I was like, Hmm, I wonder how many times I'm gonna stop and have to go back, stop and go back. So

Marvae: 25:46

all just very fluid. But I do have one question. I didn't wanna interrupt you because I wanted our viewers. To get an idea of the broader scope of everything for the second and the third episode, but so my immediate question is, given that everything you've been through throughout your life, the trauma, the obstacles, the despair, the. How do you separate that now with, in your current position? Like how do you, ma are they, do you marry the two together and just kind of move forward? So kind of go into that a little bit.

Natalee: 26:24

Yeah, that's a great question. So I think what I'm hearing you ask is how do I separate my professional life from my personal life? And so, to be honest with you, it's, it's not an easy thing to do. And sometimes they do mesh together, unfortunately, because when you're dealing with people and. Their own worries, right, and their own traumas and their own experiences. invite that energy in, right? You, you invite that vulnerability in and there's no way to not react and feel into people's things that they're going through. Like it's just, I am a very empathic person, so. always invite that in because I know what it feels like to, to be in that head space of not knowing what to do or who to turn to, or just like the walls are caving in and there's no way out. I. Physically and mentally. And so I have to remember to do the things that I teach, right? If I'm gonna talk the talk, I have to walk it. that means using my coping skills. So when I do deal with heavy traumas and I am communicating on a weekly basis with different individuals and different struggles. I disconnect from work, I go back home and then I mentally just process and kind of sit with it. Is it something I need to get out physically of my body? Then I'll walk or I'll dance. Is it something that I want to journal? Is, is there something there that caught my attention that I wanna create something for? Like, for example, a poem, because I love to journal and I love to write. Is it something that I want to see visually? Right? I use art often. I love to paint, so I will choose my coping skill for the helper in that situation or that energy, or whatever mood I'm in, and I do have to actively tell myself that that is out of my control. I don't claim to fix anyone. I am here to hold space for people people choose to walk through that with me. I am grateful, very grateful because for someone to come and share their life and life experience with me and, and be safe enough to tell me you, you know, their deepest, darkest secrets is, is a special thing. and so I do not take that for granted. So I think professionally and personally, it's always kind of like in tandem with each other. You're always trying to balance the scales, and sometimes you get to an even spot, right? But nine times outta 10, you're always just keeping it on balance, and that's okay. I actually think that that is a good space to be in because then you're always reminded to do the work, right? You're never left in a comfort zone where you're stagnant. You are pulling from those resources that push you to move that energy out and rethink. What is it doing for me? Why is this here? Why am I feeling this way? that could be something as simple as watching the television, right, the news and experiencing that from, from the tv. I remember when nine 11 happened. I turned 21 I turned on the TV that day, and all I saw was. Smoke people jumping out of buildings, just chaos. And I'll never forget that day because it was supposed to be a beautiful day, right? Turning 21, this kind of like, you know,

Marvae: 30:21

Yes.

Natalee: 30:21

ushering me into adulthood. And here I am looking at this tragedy. And for years I didn't celebrate my birthday on September 11th. And so. I say that because again, it doesn't necessarily have to be in therapy, that I am experiencing this kind of energy. We experience it all around us in our environment, so it is our job as people to choose how we want to navigate through that, and that's how I choose. I purposefully use my coping skills to move me through those hard times.

Marvae: 30:55

So Natalee, do you find that it's easier to deal with the emotions and the issues from. For example, someone you don't know versus a family member. I, I'm thinking that family members, the emotion is, is it's a different kind of emotion and sometimes that's hard to navigate. It. It's, you know, it's easier to deal with. Your friends' problems, you can logically walk them through steps that you think would be a good fit, would be an a, a an, an end all good. But with family, it's, it's completely different that dynamic. So I, I curious to hear what your thoughts are regarding family issues.

Natalee: 31:50

Yeah, I think that's a great question and it's a tricky one, right? Because family is a sacred space, right? It's a, I would say it's a, it's a different kind of love. It's an elevated love, right? We, we have been and

Marvae: 32:04

Yeah.

Natalee: 32:04

time with these humans for most of our lives, right? If we have that family dynamic'cause not everybody does, but if you do, whatever that dynamic is, we'll say you get close, right, and you get vulnerable and you express a different type of like higher love, I'll say. It can hurt right? When, when energy is not reciprocated, right? And so I think for me working through and communicating. Is an important part of anything that humans do a psychotherapist. That is what I communicate to my clients, is having an open line of communication and boundaries, right? still my own person. I love my family members and I always will, I've learned over time, especially being someone who has experienced trauma, that it is important to be your own person whatever context that is. If you're respectful and you're speaking from your. you know who you are, your values, your beliefs, and that working system that guides you, that epicenter. anything that you communicate. Is going to be received. Now we have no control how it's gonna be received. And that could be familial friend, stranger, it doesn't matter, right? And so for me as a person navigating that as an older sister, there will always be things that you know, we will need to work through. You know, things that we didn't know that might still be there and lingering that we need to talk about. You know, and, and that will always be because they're the closest things to me, right? They're in my family bubble and in my family unit, have experienced, when I've cried, they've experienced when I've gotten hurt. holidays together and traditions together. All those things are beautiful memories that make up our relationship. that is separate from being just the human Natalee and just me and who I am and who I want to be in the world. So it's not a necessarily an easy thing to do, it's just a gentle reminder, you know, that it's, it's something to work towards, you know, learning to be your authentic self in whatever context that is. Stranger friend or family. It's not to say that we don't fight and we don't have tiffs and we don't wanna not talk to each other for weeks and months. just how life is, right? Like I don't have control over how anyone is gonna receive what I say. if I know who I am and I'm standing my ground for the reasons that I choose to stand those grounds, then that has to be enough for me.

Marvae: 35:04

That's, that's pretty insightful, very insightful. I think that, for example, me, I have evolved. I don't think we ever stop changing. I don't think we ever stop learning until we're not here anymore. So there's an evolution until you die. There's always something new to learn,

Natalee: 35:29

Yeah.

Marvae: 35:30

Whether it's it's education or with people. Things that I wasn't interested in years ago that. I'm interested now in, you know, so it's, it, it is an evolution to me.

Natalee: 35:45

Absolutely. 100%. I agree with that. I really like how you said that. Always evolving.

Marvae: 35:52

Well, are we nearing the end or are, do you still have.

Natalee: 35:57

are.

Marvae: 35:58

Okay, our viewers have to look forward to Natalee's second episode and we are going to provide links and your website and how to get ahold of you down below so we will chat. First of all, as you know, I am very grateful that you have shared as much as you have, and I'm excited that we're gonna get into our second and third episode, and there's gonna be a broader sense of what we're gonna talk about. What. What we, what you would like to talk about in those episodes. So that's very exciting to me and I'm sure to viewers that are looking forward to it as well. So thank you. Thank you, Natalee, for being here.

Natalee: 36:44

Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you for giving me this platform. I'm looking forward to it. And yes, links will be provided to where you can find me and any follow up questions that your viewers have, please let me know. if I'm. Able to offer any insightful things other than what I've talked about or they have questions about anything, having to do with mental health. Before we have that talk, please let me know'cause that'll help to preface the next video. so thank you. I

Marvae: 37:13

Okay.

Natalee: 37:13

this time.

Marvae: 37:15

Thank you Natalee, and we will talk again very, very soon.

Natalee: 37:19

Okay, you're welcome.