56: Why Self-Help Books Aren’t Changing Your Life—and What to Do Differently

Have you ever finished a self-help book feeling inspired, motivated, and ready to change your life, only to realize a few weeks later that very little has actually changed?

The problem may not be that you are reading the wrong books. It may be that no one ever taught you how to turn what you read into meaningful action.

In this episode, Brianna explores why understanding a powerful lesson is not the same as applying it, how inspiration fades when we do not give it somewhere to go, and why reflection is the bridge between an author’s wisdom and your own life. You will also learn how small, intentional actions can help you build confidence, challenge limiting beliefs, and create lasting growth without feeling like you have to reinvent your entire life overnight.

You may not need another book telling you what to do. You may already have the wisdom you need and simply be ready to begin living it.

Ready to move beyond highlighting inspiring ideas and start applying them? Download the free Bloom With Books 5-Day Challenge and discover how to turn your love of reading into real-life growth, reflection, confidence, and meaningful action.

Download Bloom With Books: https://badassbookbesties.com/bloomwithbooks 

Learn more about Badass Book Besties: BadassBookBesties.com

Follow Brianna on Instagram: @badassbookbestie

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello, and welcome to the Badass Books and Besties podcast, where book-inspired breakthroughs and real-life badassery inspire personal growth. I'm Brianna, life coach, author, and founder of the Badass Book Besties. Each episode will spark your confidence, creativity, and self-discovery. You'll hear honest insights and powerful interviews to help you create a life you truly admire. If you're ready to turn the page, own your story, and live your most badass life, you're in the right place.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Have you ever finished a self-help book feeling genuinely inspired, convinced that something inside you had shifted, only to realize a few weeks later that your life still looked almost exactly the same? Maybe you highlighted entire pages because the author seemed to understand something about you that you had never been able to explain. Perhaps you saved quotes to your phone, talked about the book with a friend, or promised yourself that this time you were finally going to do things differently. You're going to believe in yourself more, you were going to stop overthinking every decision, you were going to create healthier boundaries, make time for the things that mattered, or finally began the idea you had been carrying for years. For a little while, you may have felt different. The book gave you hope, helped you understand yourself more clearly, or introduced a new perspective that made you feel like change was absolutely possible. And then life continued. Your schedule filled up. Responsibilities demanded your attention. The book returned to the shelf, and the lesson that once felt unforgettable slowly became something you remembered agreeing with, but never fully practiced. Eventually, you may have started looking for another book that could help you feel motivated again. And I understand that pattern because I love books and I deeply believe in their ability to change the way that we see ourselves and the world around us. A meaningful book can give language to something we have carried silently. It can help us recognize the pattern that has shaped our choices for years. It can even introduce an idea at exactly the moment we are ready to hear it. And I absolutely love when that happens. And today on the Badass Books and Besties podcast, we will discuss why self-help books aren't changing your life and what to do differently. So thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode. I am so grateful you're here. We have such a great episode here, and I'm ready to share it with you because books can make us feel so understood. They can challenge beliefs we have never questioned, they can remind us of parts of ourselves we have neglected, they can even help us imagine a future we had not considered possible. And that's what I really love about reading various books. However, there is an important difference between reading something that changes the way that you think for a moment and then applying that something that actually changes the way that you live. So that difference is what we're going to be talking about today. Because perhaps the problem is not that you're reading the wrong books. Perhaps no one has ever taught you how to turn what you read into meaningful growth. That realization is one of the reasons I created my Bloom with Books five-day challenge. It's a free challenge which helps women move beyond simply collecting inspiring ideas and begin using books as tools for reflection, confidence, personal growth, and intentional action. So I'm going to be telling you about that later in the episode. But first, I want to explore why so many thoughtful, motivated women can read powerful personal growth books, understand the lessons completely, and then still struggle to apply what they have learned. And it's not always a motivation problem. I promise you, it does not mean you are lazy and it is not proof that you lack any discipline. Often we have simply confused learning about change with creating change, and those are not the same thing. One of the reasons personal growth books are really so powerful is that they create real emotional movement. When an author describes a struggle that we recognize, we feel seen. Maybe there's a new idea that they say that helps us understand something that once felt confusing, and now we experience relief that we're not alone in our struggle. When someone offers a solution that feels possible, we think, oh, hope has finally started to return. And those moments matter. Awareness is often the beginning of change because we cannot address a pattern that we have never recognized. However, the emotional experience of reading can also make us feel as though we have already made more progress than we actually have. So imagine that you're reading a book about boundaries. As you move through the chapters, you begin recognizing how often you agree to the things you do not have time, energy, or desire to do, right? And you understand why you have become so exhausted. You see the connection between constantly prioritizing other people and then eventually feeling resentful. Then you read a sentence explaining that protecting your time does not make you selfish. And suddenly years of behavior began making sense because that realization is so important. And I love those moments when I'm reading a book where it just clicks that that's exactly the way that I've been feeling. And now I have a reason why. The author helped you notice something that you may not have fully understood before. However, the moment that changes your life will probably not happen while you're sitting with that book. It's going to happen maybe several days later when someone asks you to take on something you don't have the capacity to handle. And at that moment, the lesson is no longer theoretical because you get to decide whether you will return to the familiar pattern or practice a different response. So it's the book creating the awareness and the choice creating the change. So this is true with confidence because a lot of times people say that confidence develops through action rather than certainty. And that idea may immediately connect with you. You understand that most people don't feel completely prepared before doing something important, and you recognize that fear does not necessarily mean you're making the wrong decision. And you may even feel encouraged enough to imagine yourself pursuing something that you have avoided. Eventually, though, there will become a moment when you just have to allow yourself to be seen, right? You'll have to share the idea, submit the application, make the call, begin the project, risk hearing an answer you cannot control. So when you read about courage, that can prepare you for that moment, but it cannot make the decision for you. And this is where many readers become stuck. We assume that understanding an idea means that we have absorbed it. We think, oh, I agree with this lesson. That means I'm living according to it. Yet many of us understand the importance of rest and still feel guilty when we slow down. We recognize that perfection is unrealistic, but continue postponing meaningful work until we feel completely prepared. I mean, how often have you not started something because you said, oh, I just have to make sure this is right, that is right, all of these things align. We understand even that comparison affects our confidence, yet we still measure our progress against lives we only see from the outside. You know, those highlight reels that make us feel inadequate or not doing enough. Knowledge is so valuable, but that does not automatically become our behavior. There has to be a bridge between what we understand about what we've read and learned and what we do. So sometimes we keep reading because practicing is harder. Obviously, readers who love personal growth are naturally curious. We enjoy discovering those new ideas, learning from different experiences, and finding language that helps us understand ourselves more clearly. There's always a fresh perspective available, a new strategy to consider, an author whose message connects with something we're currently experiencing. And continuing to learn is not necessarily a problem because curiosity is valuable and books allow us to access that wisdom we may never encounter in our everyday lives. I mean, that's why we all read, right? Because we want to get information from so many different sources and might not even have to leave your house. However, there are moments when seeking more information becomes a way of avoiding the discomfort of what we already know. Learning often feels exciting. Application of the learning is usually asking a lot more of you. And reading about boundaries, for example, may feel really empowering. But then creating one with someone who may not understand you can feel really uncomfortable. You could read a chapter about pursuing your goals, and you can think, oh, the possibility of this happening feels so real. But then beginning requires you to tolerate uncertainty. And maybe you read a book about self-worth. I've read so many books about really being compassionate or believing in yourself, you know, like you are a badass by Jen Sinchero is one of my favorite books. And it may help you recognize that your needs matter, but then changing the way that you treat yourself can challenge habits that have existed for years, those thoughts that have lived inside your mind for your entire life. Sometimes we keep searching because we hope the next book will make action feel easier. And we imagine that once we find that perfect method, that perfect explanation, or the idea that finally removes every doubt, we'll naturally become ready. Yet readiness is not always something that arrives before action. Often it develops before we we begin. And there's a question I think every personal growth reader should ask themselves What is one lesson I have agreed with completely, but still have not applied? So I want you to take a moment and think about that question. What is one lesson you have agreed with completely, but still have not applied? Maybe you have read several books about slowing down, but still believe your value depends on productivity. And I definitely have to raise my hand on that one. Perhaps you understand the importance of speaking to yourself with kindness, yet your internal voice remains harsher than anything you would say to another person. I mean, how many times have you ever been really supporting a friend and giving them such high appolates? And then you yourself make a mistake and you say so many negative things that you would never utter to your best friend? Am I right? And what about believing that creativity matters, but then continuing to place it at the bottom of your schedule? You know, how many times have you said that you really love doing something, that you're so interested in this particular idea, concept, or topic, and then you're not really making time for it. The issue is not that you failed to understand the lesson. You understood it when you read it. But the next step is deciding how it belongs in your life. And that's what you have to decide. How can I take this creativity and add it to my life? How can I take the ability of knowing how to speak to myself with kindness and add it to my life? You know, these concepts that you've read about in these amazing books. At some point, I personally realized that I did not necessarily need one more book telling me how to believe in myself. I needed the opportunities to practice believing in myself, which is why I continue to read personal growth and development books, because the more that you read, the more that it becomes ingrained in you, and the more that you can practice learning what you've understood. So I did not only need information about taking action, I needed to identify one meaningful step and then follow through. Like Carrie Green says, one little step, one little step, one little step. And that distinction changed the way I thought about reading. Instead of asking only, what did I learn? I began considering a much more important question. What will I do differently because I learned it? Think about the last book that truly inspired you. I mean, really, you closed the book set and said, this is just so perfect in what I needed to read. And maybe you remember how energized you felt while reading it. You just had the biggest smile on your face. Maybe you immediately called your best friend and said, I've got to tell you what I've just learned in this book. Perhaps you thought about the ideas throughout the day or even imagined several ways that your life could change. And that feeling was real. The inspiration mattered. However, inspiration is that emotional energy that's just making you feel all bumbled up with great emotions. And that emotional energy naturally changes. The ideas that feel urgent while we are immersed in a book begin competing with ordinary responsibilities once we return to daily life. Because obviously the email needs an answer, the laundry needs to be bolded, someone needs help, a kid is demanding your attention. There's a deadline at work that keeps moving closer and closer. And then the lesson has become it's not that it's become less important, but it no longer has our full attention. And this is why relying on motivation alone rarely creates lasting change. Motivation can help us begin, but it is not designed to carry every decision. We need a way to capture what matters before the emotional intensity fades. One of the simplest ways to do that is to pause after reading and ask yourself what you want to remember. And someone once told me, they said, when you're reading a personal growth and development book or self-help book, whatever you want to call it, you may read a lot of different ideas, but take one idea and see how you could apply it to your life. Because not every single chapter needs to transform your life. Even if you love every single one, focus on just one idea. And you don't also have to apply every single idea. I mean, how many of you have read a book and thought, oh, I love 95% of this, but do I really need to follow everything? Well, I guess I'll try to add everything to my life, and then you get overwhelmed with all the things you're supposed to and the shoulds and all of that. Sometimes one sentence, one quote, one idea is enough. The important part is deciding which lesson belongs to you. So you might write, this chapter, you know, it made me realize that I keep waiting for permission. Or, wow, I noticed how often I dismiss my own needs. Damn, I have been calling myself unmotivated when I may have actually been overwhelmed. That reflection turns a general idea into something more personal. And the book is no longer speaking only about confidence, boundaries, identity, or growth. It's helping you understand your own experience. So then once you make that connection, ask yourself, hmm, what would this look like in practice? How could I apply this to my daily life? Because if the lesson is about protecting your time, perhaps the next step is creating one evening with fewer responsibilities. Or, for example, when I read about protecting my time, I said, okay, well, every single night I'm feeling super tired from all of the things that I've done and I don't feel like doing some of the to-do list items that I really wanted to get done. How can I make it happen? And I said, you know what? I would much rather wake up an hour earlier and do some of the things that I saved for the end of the day. And then when I get to the end of the day, I want to do something more relaxing. I want to text with my friends. I want to read my book. I want to do something that's a lower level lift and more self-care. And just by doing that, that one small step changed everything for me. So maybe if the lesson is about trusting yourself, you may decide to make a choice without even asking several people to confirm it first. How many of you have made a decision and then said, let me call five people and ask them if this is a good idea? I mean, I even asked strangers. I recently bought a new bookshelf for our house and I talked to two different strangers to say, do you think this bookshelf looks really cool? Would this be good in my house? They don't even know where I live or what it looks like. And I got their opinion because I did not trust myself. So maybe you read a chapter that helps you recognize that you have neglected something you love. And the action could be replacing that activity back into your week. The action does not have to be dramatic. And sometimes we feel like when we read these books, that we have to have in a complete overhaul of our entire life. But in fact, smaller steps are often a whole hell of a lot more powerful because they are easier to repeat. And we sometimes underestimate simple actions because they don't immediately look transformative. However, transformation is often the result of ordinary choices practiced consistently. Consistency, consistency, consistency. A single boundary may not change every single relationship, but it begin, can begin changing the relationship that you have with yourself. One honest conversation may not resolve everything, but it can create a level of clarity that silence never could. 30 minutes spent creating may seem insignificant, but it can reconnect you with the part of yourself that has been missing. And I can bet you that if you spend 30 minutes doing something just in one week or maybe every other day or something like that, or even five minutes if you can, I would bet that you'll have another five minutes added on top of that as soon as you get going. Because inspiration becomes meaningful when we give it somewhere to go. So I want you to think about how reflection is the bridge between the author's life and your own. When we read personal growth books, we are learning through someone else's perspective, right? And the author shares ideas, experiences, lessons, research, strategies. They've done all the work for us, and their words may connect deeply with us, but we have to reflect on what helps us to understand how those ideas can relate to our own lives without reflection. We may remember the concept without even recognizing what it's asking us to examine. So for example, you may read about authenticity. I mean, how many books have you read or how many quotes online talk about authenticity and being your most badass self, right? And you agree that people should feel free to be themselves. And you think, oh, that is such a meaningful idea. Hell yeah, I want to be a badass woman, you know? And then you start to reflect and you say, okay, let's think this through. Let's reflect how I am being authentic. And you might ask yourself, okay, where do I change myself to receive approval? How many times have we done something where you've immediately said, Oh, I think I'm going to contort myself to fit into the view of what I want them to see me as? What have I stopped doing because someone else did not understand it? Which opinions do I keep quiet because disagreement feels uncomfortable? And those questions, when you really reflect upon what you're reading, they're going to reveal something the general lesson could not. And the same is true when reading about confidence. You may understand that self-belief matters, but if you start to reflect, you say, okay, where am I waiting for someone else to recognizeing, to recognize my value before I acknowledge it myself? What opportunity have I avoided because I assumed I needed more experience? How many times have you not submitted a resume to someone because you thought you didn't have enough experience? And when did I begin believing that I was not capable? So the author introduces the idea, but then reflection allows you to find yourself inside it. And this is one reason that journaling can be so incredibly powerful. You're not writing because every answer needs to be super profound and the best thing that you've ever written down. You are creating enough quiet to hear your own thoughts, to know what you have to say. Because many women spend most of the day responding to what other people need, right? We move from responsibility to responsibility to responsibility without having much space to ask what we are feeling. What do we want? What has changed inside us? And a journal prompt interrupts that movement. It creates a moment where your experience becomes worthy of your attention. And sometimes the answer is going to appear immediately. You'll think, oh my gosh, how did I not think of that before? Other times you might start writing one thought and discover that something deeper has actually been waiting underneath it. I find this is super true when I talk out loud about things to my friends or to myself. I'll suddenly realize something that I didn't think of before. I want you to remember that reflection is not about judging yourself, it is about becoming curious. So instead of asking a question, Such as why do I keep doing this and having such frustration? Ask yourself, okay, what has this pattern been protecting me from? What is the reason that I am doing this over and over again? What's really happening? So rather than thinking, what's wrong with me, consider what do I need that I have not acknowledged? And that curiosity creates space for a lot more understanding. And understanding gives us more choices. So in this next part, growth requires action, but it doesn't require a complete reinvention. So when people hear the phrase take action, they sometimes imagine this major life change. They picture I've got to quit a job, move somewhere new, I'm going to launch a business, I'm going to end a relationship, I'm going to make a decision that changes everything all at once. Those choices may be appropriate in certain seasons. And trust me, I have made quite a lot of those decisions, but meaningful growth does not always begin with something dramatic. Often it begins with that small decision that reflects a new belief. Because just as we talked about earlier, it's those small steps that move you in the direction you want to go. Perhaps you decide to stop dismissing a compliment. Maybe someone tells you that you look beautiful and you immediately say thank you. Instead of immediately pointing out what you did wrong or explaining why the praise is undeserved, you simply say thank you. That might seem small, but I promise you it's not. It challenges the belief that acknowledging your strengths makes you arrogant. It really challenges that idea. Maybe you choose to spend 20 minutes working on something important before you feel completely ready. That action is going to weaken your perfectionism because you're proving that progress does not require certainty. And there's been so many times that I have let perfectionism stand in the way of completing something. And I remind myself, Brianna, you are a human being. You make human being mistakes. So if you are not going out there and doing something, then you're not proving out to someone else that it can be done. Perhaps you tell someone what you actually prefer instead of automatically saying, whatever you want is fine. I mean, how many times have you told someone, oh, it's okay, whatever? I just talked to a friend about this concept yesterday, actually. And we got on the subject of how I will tell my closest friends when I like or don't like something. And sometimes I've been labeled as particular. And we came to the conclusion that instead of me people pleasing and just letting things happen, I will say what I want or what I appreciate or what I desire out of life because I'm getting away from that people-pleasing mentality and saying, I actually prefer this. That moment will help you recognize how often you disappear from your own decisions. And I want you to know that growth is often quiet before it becomes visible. The choices might not look impressive from the outside, but they will begin creating that evidence. As we talked about in the last episode about overthinking, you've got to create evidence for yourself to show that what you think and believe is actually true when it's positive. Each time you continuously act according to a new belief, you strengthen it. Because suppose you've spent years thinking, I never finish anything, I'm not good at this, I suck, I never am successful at what I start. You could continue repeating that sentence until it becomes part of your identity. I mean, how many of us believe those things because we've repeated them over and over again? You could choose one manageable task and complete it. And that single action may not erase years of doubt, but it gives your mind new information. You finished something. So then do it again and do it again. And over time, that story becomes changing because your actions are creating evidence that the old belief is incomplete. And that's why action matters. We cannot always think our way into a new identity. We have to practice and practice becoming the person we want to be. Confidence grows when we keep promises to ourselves. Self-trust develops when we make decisions and remain present through the outcome. Courage becomes stronger when we discover that that discomfort is something we can experience without allowing it to control us. Because remember, the goal is not to wait until fear disappears. It's to stop treating fear as proof that we should remain still. So stop measuring a book by how inspired it made you feel, my friends. Many readers, just like me, evaluate a personal growth book by the emotional experience it created. We might say, oh, it motivated me, it made me feel hopeful, or I highlighted almost every page. And those matter because of the emotional connection is going to help you remember the ideas, but remember what we talked about. There is a much more useful question. What changed after I read it? I want you to think about did you speak to yourself differently? Create a boundary? Did you return to something that you had neglected? Did you challenge a belief that had been limiting your choices? Did you make at least one decision that reflected the person you are becoming? Because a book does not have to change your entire life to be valuable. That's creating a lot of unnecessary pressure that we don't need, especially as women. Know that sometimes a book gives us one sentence that can remain with us for years, and sometimes the entire book can impact us. But the main thing is that you recognize a truth that you were not able to acknowledge before. Sometimes the change happens slowly because the idea needs to continue working beneath the surface, and you have to keep that repetition and consistency up. Because the goal is not to turn every reading experience into a massive personal transformation. The goal is to become intentional about what we carry forward. You might finish that book and identify one idea worth practicing for the next month. And instead of immediately filling your mind with another set of lessons, you allow that idea to remain visible. So maybe you journal about it, maybe you write down the quotes because you really want to remember that. You decide how can I apply this in my relationships, my work, my routines, and then observe what happens. And this changes the approach from passive consumption into active participation. The book becomes the beginning of a conversation rather than the end of one. And that's something we do every single month in the Badass Book Besties. We really dive into books to break down how can we apply this to our lives? What is the content that the author is teaching? What does this mean for us? Do I want to apply what they're teaching to my life? And this entire idea that we've talked about in this episode is really what inspired me to create the Bloom with Books five-day challenge. I wanted to create something for women who love reading and personal growth, but are tired of feeling inspired for a few days and then returning to the same habits, doubts, and patterns. I really wanted it to feel meaningful without becoming overwhelming. Because many women don't need another complicated system added to an already full life. We just need an opportunity to pause, reconnect with ourselves, think honestly about where we are, what we want to change, and then take one intentional step at a time. So inside this challenge, you'll explore powerful book-inspired ideas through guided reflection, journal journaling, and meaningful action. It's completely free, and each day is designed to help you move beyond simply agreeing with an inspiring message, but rather connecting that wisdom into your own confidence, beliefs, choices, and the future. Now, I'm not going to walk you through everything included because I really want you to experience the challenge for yourself. However, I can tell you that it was created to help you rediscover parts of yourself that may have become buried beneath responsibilities, expectations, self-doubt, or the constant pressure to keep moving. Because you don't need to read five books before beginning. You don't need hours of extra time. You only need a willingness to reflect honestly and take one small action step each day. You can even do it every other day if you feel like you have an overloaded schedule, but it's a very simple process, something easy to follow, has a short reading expert excerpt, and then a little activity to do. Because I want to introduce reading as a possibility, but knowing that your choices determine what happens next. So just as a reminder, the next time you begin a personal growth book, try approaching it differently. Instead of measuring progress by the number of pages you finish, pay attention to the ideas that made you pause. And when something feels important, ask yourself, why is this important? What does this reveal about my life? Where have I experienced this? And more importantly, what is one thing that I could practice or a behavior I wish to challenge? And you'll start to discover that reading slowly and with more intention creates deeper change. You may finish fewer books because you've applied far more of what you learn. And perhaps the lesson you need is not hidden in the next book. Maybe it's already highlighted in the one you finished months ago. Maybe you've already heard the message. You're just simply ready to live it now. Besties, books can absolutely change our lives. However, the change does not always happen when we turn that final page. It happens when we recognize ourselves inside an idea. It happens when reflection reveals something that we have been avoiding, when we choose a new response instead of returning to that failure pattern. And it's when inspiration becomes action. So I truly hope you'll download the free five-day challenge. It's at badassbookbesties.com forward slash bloom with books. Remember, you don't need to apply every lesson perfectly. You don't need to reinvent your entire life this week. The only thing you need to do is become more intentional about what you do with the wisdom you are already collecting. So before you begin your next book, think about what is one lesson I already understand, but I'm finally ready to practice. Think about it, write about it, and then choose one action that reflects your answer. So when you are ready to explore this process more deeply, download my free Bloom with Books five-day challenge through the link in the episode description. It will guide you through powerful book-inspired reflections, simple actions designed to help you reconnect with yourself, strengthen your confidence, and create meaningful growth one day at a time. Because as we said, the goal is not simply to read another book, another book, another book, and hope for the best, right? The goal is to allow what you read to become part of the way that you live and becoming the badass woman that you're meant to be. So I hope you enjoyed this message. I hope that you go download that freebie at badassbookbesties.com forward slash bloom with books. It's an incredible journey. And remember, the goal is to become who you're meant to be and to love who you currently are. So until next time, keep reading, keep reflecting, keep blooming, and always keep keep your glass and your bookshelves full.

SPEAKER_00 34:18

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Badass Books and Besties podcast. If it sparked something in your soul or stirred up inspiration, please leave a review and help us spread the magic. Wanna join our book loving community or connect with me? Head to badassbookbesties.com and follow me on Facebook and Instagram at Badass BookBesti. Got a guest idea or a powerful topic you'd love to hear on the show? Send me a DM or message me through the website. I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, besties, always keep your glass and your bookshelves full.