EP14: Grieving the Relationship That Never Happened | Six Months of Mostly Aligned

Six months into Mostly Aligned, I didn’t expect to be recording an episode like this.

After the sudden passing of my grandmother, I found myself on a flight to Peru for her funeral — representing my father and meeting family I had never really known.

In this episode, I’m reflecting on a kind of grief we don’t always talk about: grieving the relationship that never had the chance to exist.

What started as a difficult trip became something deeper — moments of family, forgiveness, and quietly reconnecting with where my roots come from.

And one practical lesson from the trip: if you’re visiting Peru in the summertime… bring antihistamines. The mosquitoes are not playing

So if you’re here, grab your favorite bevy, settle in, and let’s begin.

Thanks for hanging out with me on Mostly Aligned.

If this episode made you feel seen, think a little differently, or just kept you company — following or subscribing is a small way to support the show and keep it going. Sharing it with a friend or leaving a review helps too, in that quiet-but-important kind of way.

If you ever want to say hi, share what you’re moving through, or tell me what landed, you can email me at mostlyalignedpodcast@gmail.com.

Until next time — make yourself a cup of tea, don’t overthink everything, and stay mostly aligned.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Welcome back to Mostly Ali. Where we're figuring it out. Elsie. Tis I, your girl, Lola, your host, Resident Story Weaver, Intuition Apprentice, Herbal Girly, and Proud member of the I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm trusting the universe anyway, club. If you're new here, welcome to my cozy chaos. I'm really glad you found your way. And to my returners. What up, friends? Thanks for walking this path with me, for letting me grow out loud, and for sticking around through a lot of reflecting, some spiraling, a lot of healing, and some okay, but now what moments. While we notice those tiny magic moments. So if you're ready, grab your favorite bevy, settle in, and let's begin. Y'all, we're six months in on Mostly Aligned, and there have been some shifts from where it started. And to be real with y'all, there'll probably be some more. As this show grows, as I grow, I am proud to have dedicated my time, energy, and passion to mostly aligned as I'm learning what it takes to create a podcast, how to create a podcast. So yeah. I am also thankful to have the ability to create a space where I can be open, awkward, vulnerable, and reflective and be able to share this space with anyone who is on this journey. Happy half birthday, mostly a line. And to many more. Now, I kind of had something loosely planned for this episode, however, life kind of has its way of steering you in another direction. So I'm going to share with y'all what this last week has been about. Last Thursday at 10 a.m. my grandmother passed away. Her passing came very suddenly, and before I knew it, I found myself on a flight to Peru for her funeral. I'm gonna be real with y'all. It's hard to grieve someone that you've never had a relationship with. But I went with my siblings to represent my father as he cannot travel at this time. And honestly, I'm glad I did. Even though family has always been complicated since I can remember, I knew I would regret it down the line if I didn't go. At the same time, this is not how I pictured my first time in Peru to be. But it is what it is. Even though I went for a funeral, I had a pretty good time. And I definitely had some shifts on the family side of things. I did some forgiving and I also had to ask for forgiveness as well. And more than anything, I'm just happy that I went. I stood in my dad's place and got to see the recognition that he deserved from his family. Standing there representing my father, something shifted in me. For the first time, I felt like I did belong. Maybe not location-wise, but more like self-acceptance within my family. And that's complicating because my family is made up of very different and very complex people. But in that moment, all I could do was stand there and cry. And part of it was mourning my grandmother, even though I never really knew her. I didn't really try either. Life just kind of moved the way it did, and that connection never formed. So some of the sadness I felt wasn't just about losing her. It was about realizing that the opportunity to know her, to build that relationship, is now gone. And I think that's a different kind of grief. One that's maybe quieter but still real. But I think a bigger part of the mourning was for my father, knowing that he wanted to be there but couldn't. And knowing it was breaking his heart. Aside from the obvious, I did meet the majority of my family. Felt like almost all of them, but there's still more. I felt like a lot of people, honestly. There were a lot of moving parts, and it is sad to think that this is what it took for me to take a trip to the place where my roots came from. However, now that I've gone and gotten the initial meet and greet and potential overwhelm from it all over with, I can definitely say I want to go back. As for the funeral part of it all, I won't go into too much detail. The difference between a Peruvian funeral and an American funeral is pretty interesting, but I think I'm just more used to American style funeral. I enjoyed mostly meeting family, sharing meals with them, and seeing the places where my parents came from, or at least where they grew up and how they met each other. It's kind of a funny story. I even got to see a women's rights protest, and of course I joined in. And it's kind of funny because not even two episodes ago, I was talking about wanting to dive deeper and learn more about my roots, and here I am. The trip was short, and there is definitely a lot I didn't do just because of the circumstances of why I was there. But even then, I'm really happy with everything that I did get to do. The people I got to meet and the places I got to see. And now that I've gone, I definitely want to go back, for sure. Following my grandmother's passing, I think my biggest hope for all of this is that my family finds peace. Like I've said, things have been complicated for many years, and now that we've had this moment to come together, reconnect, and see each other as a people we are today, not just who we were when conflict happened. I hope something shifts. I hope we can move forward. Not by pretending that the past didn't happen, but by choosing to do better. Better for ourselves, better for our families, and better for our communities. And maybe that's part of why mostly aligned has been about for me the last six months. Learning to sit with complicated things, learning to understand where I come from, and still choosing to grow along the way. And on a much lighter note, there is one main takeaway I learned from this trip. So I'd say if you're planning to head down to Peru, take out a pen and paper and write this down. If you are going during their summertime, which is technically our winter time, take some antihistamines. Also, and I'm not sure about this one, I haven't tested this out, but I learned from a reliable source that if you rub soap on your skin and let it dry on, the mosquitoes won't bite you again. I repeat, I haven't tested it, but at this point I'm willing to believe anything. I cannot tell y'all how attacked I got by mosquitoes. Apparently, I had a terrible allergic reaction to the bites because they swelled up so much they hurt, and at one point it was actually hard to walk because one of the bites was so close to my knee on my right leg, it was so big, hot, hard where I was bitten. So yeah, antihistamines and soap. Alright, y'all. That's all I got for you. Short, sweet, and to the point. If you love episodes like this, make sure you're following and subscribed so you never miss one. You can listen on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. If something in this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or send it to your work bestie. And as always, message me your favorite part at mostlyonlinepodcast at gmail.com. I would love to hear what's landing for you. And this kind of feels like a good place to land. Thank y'all for being here and embracing this gentle chaos with me. I'll meet you on the next one. Sending y'all so much love and a little whisper of magic. Bye y'all.