Of Peace and Podcast Chapter 17

Aaron reads chapter 17 - Jen has a life-changing moment with God in the pouring autumn rain.

Aaron discusses finding meaning in God, nature and some favorite things of childhood.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello and welcome to a Peace and Podcast. I'm your host, Aaron Gorley. And this is the book where you get to listen to a wonderful young adult novel and then you get to listen to a little commentary about that. So we are all the way in chapter 17 of this little uh young adult novel. Almost called a novella. It's pretty pretty short. We actually only have three more chapters in that block to go. So probably about four episodes of that. We'll probably do a couple more episodes with um some summary stuff, some QA, and maybe special guests and stuff like that. But we're getting towards the end of it. Hopefully, you've been enjoying so far. So now in chapter 17, we are kind of like dead set into the crazy part of the plot here. So um, chapter 16, we just saw that Jen fell on the stage in front of everyone, which is kind of bad. Like, you know, that's pretty you would not want to do that if you're in the school play to like fall right on the stage, but like, you know, not tragic necessarily unless, of course, your mom, like Jen's mom, decides to come up and scream like you are dying in front of everyone and sounds super crazy why I do it. So that's kind of where Jen was. And then um, as Jen um, you know, leaves her she overhears her her former best friend totally kind of just say, Hey, we're not, I'm not even friends with that girl anymore. Blah blah blah, which kind of sucks because like, you know, Jen kind of like felt, hey, we were drifting apart, but then, you know, wasn't like official, like, hey, we're not friends anymore. It was just like, hey, I know she has like other friends, and I'm kind of like in the background, but we're still friends. At least that's kind of how Jen felt. And then boom, right there in one of her lowest moments, she gets kind of get kicked when she's down, and she finds out that her friend is not kind of just uh doesn't want to be friends with her anymore, just completely mit disowns her, so to speak, um, which is awful. But so Jenna's in a pretty tough spot right now, and she was just walking down the hallway. Alright. So she walked down the hallway. You know, usually during school plays, you have like, you know, a section of the building that's open, and then the rest of the building is kind of like closed down. So she's now in like the closed down section, like, you know, where lights aren't even on, kind of thing, just walking away from it as far as she could possibly go. So, and it says that as she walked, she remembered the moment when she knew her life was going to be different, and that's where chapter 17 comes in. Chapter 17. She was eleven, eleven and three months to be exact. The age when childhood is in full bloom, when one understands on a juvenile level who they are and what they best appreciate about childhood life. A time when life's carefree indulgences have peaked, old enough to be able to participate in the pleasures of kid life without the responsibilities of adult life or the pretensions of adolescence. You were tall enough to ride on roller coasters, not be the smallest kid in the playground, and were able to simply enjoy life. Sleepover parties, Lego wars, blanket forts, tea parties, choose your own adventure books, movies, and video games. It was at this glorious summer of youth that Jen came to a life-altering realization. It was a simple field trip that finally gave it away. The fifth grade, end of the year, field trip to Cedar Point Amusement Park. Jen was so excited to go. It was an overnight trip, and each student attending had to pay$105. It was a lot of money for Lena, but luckily both Jen and Aunt Julie donated some money to go to the trip. Jen had paid$45 to go on the trip from her own savings. She needed only to bring the remaining$60, the$40 from Aunt Julie, and another$20 from Lana. Jen thrice explained this to her mom, but Lena did still not understand how much more she had to give or why. Jen explained again and again, but she still didn't get it. Jen showed her mathematically on paper again and again. Lena still didn't get it. Lena even told Jen she was wrong a couple times. It went on minute after minute of Jen explaining and Lena still not understanding this the very basic addition. Jen just stared at Lena in disbelief. Is she kidding? Jen knew she was not. How was it possible that her mom didn't know this? This was not the only time that Jen had ever had to correct her mom in basic math. She then thought of every time her mom did something stupid or illogical, every time she forgot something, every time she messed up a recipe, every time she did something weird or embarrassing, and every time she heard her mom had overdrawn their bank account. Jen sat there in silence. Elena was talking to her, but Jen only heard background noise. How had she missed this? Why hadn't she figured out this earlier? It was obvious all along. Jen's thoughts swirled 90 miles an hour in her head. I am smarter than my mom. I am smarter than my mom. My mom is not as smart as me. For real. I I am the one in my house that is the smartest. She's not even smart enough to be a mom. I'm going to have to make the decisions for my house. My mom is not smart enough. I probably have been for years. I thought you had to be like in college or something before you're smarter than your parents. I'm 11. This explains why I argue with her so much. I am smarter. Am I going to make be able to make all the decisions for a house? Am I smart enough? What if I'm not smart enough? I have no one to turn to? What if someone tricks me or I mess up? Who who will I go to? What what will I do if I mess everything up and no one is there to help me? I I I I don't know if I'm ready for this. No wonder our family is always poor. We probably lose money because of my mom. I don't think I'm ready. I I I I don't think I'm ready. I'm smarter than my mom. How could I end up with such a dumb parent? Why am I so unlucky lucky? Why wh why me? I I am smarter than my mom. And so her thoughts went. Jen barely slept last night. She thought about all the decisions she might have to make. She thought about how she could have to help her mom be an adult even when she was nowhere near being an adult herself. She thought about how she would have to grow up fast. She thought about how her life would be much different than her friends' life's. It was so much to bear that Jen's behavior started changing. She began to be defiant to her mom for the first time. She would yell at her mom, and one evening she even called her mom stupid when Jen when Leda gr told Jen she was grounded. To this day, she still felt bad about that. For weeks, Jen had problems sleeping. Lena eventually started to notice, but Jen refused to tell her anything. About a month later, Aunt Julie came to visit and took Jen aside to ask what was wrong. And that is when Jen broke. I am smarter than my mom. I am Aunt Julie. There's something wrong with her. I don't even I'm not even 12, and I'm smarter than her. I have been for a long time. She doesn't remember things. She doesn't even know how to do things. She can't do math. I'm smarter than her. Jen, I'm so sorry. I should have told you a long time ago. And they cried together. Aunt Julie, what's wrong with her? Is she like mentally disabled or something? No. Your mom was diagnosed with a learning disability. That can mean a lot of things, but to your mom, it means that she has trouble with short-term memory, math, and has difficulty interacting with people in social settings. She doesn't understand social cues, cues, and tends to speak and act without thinking. Obviously, her reading is good, which probably kept her from being diagnosed for a long time. When the reading became more difficult and she had to remember more and more information, she began to get poor grades. She almost didn't graduate from high school. She never had many friends and never had very good grades, but in high school, both of those things got worse. It wasn't until she was halfway through high school that she got diagnosed for for a learning disability. Not that Hemlock Ridge is the worst school system in the world, but your mom sort of fell through the cracks. It wasn't until a good math teacher suggested that there might there was a problem and actually went out of her way to get your mom tested that they did something about it. That at least got your mom through high school. Jen and Aunt Julie talked for hours as Aunt Julie explained that she didn't want to burden Jen with everything, but that she probably should have said something earlier. She also explained that while academically she might be more intelligent than her mom, her mom still deserved respect. Lena had life experience that Jen did not have, and she was a good mother despite her shortcomings. Jen admitted that overall she was still a good mom. It was after this that things started to get better. Jen had someone to talk to, and J Aunt Julie had become calling Jen from Michigan every two weeks or so, ever since just to check up. But none of that mattered now. Things being slightly better didn't change anything. Jen had been humiliated in front of the whole school, so much so that even her former best friend had to lie to keep from being associated with her. Jen kept walking. She strode past the no entry signed place in front of the dark hallway illuminated by only a few exit lights. It looked creepy, barely lit. Jen half hoped that she'd be attacked and put out of her misery. She walked past the last few sets of lockers toward the outer door next to the glass enclosed corner office and exited where there was not a soul in sight. It had started raining again. The rain was cold, but it didn't matter. Jen was happy for it. She wanted to feel the cold. She wanted to feel the pain of cold. She pushed through the rain and stopped at a yellow beech tree past the far corner of auxiliary parking. She leaned up against the tree and screamed, Why? Why does this have all have to happen? Why me? Jen began crying so hard that she couldn't speak. Add in the shiver from the rain, and she had nothing more she could say. Her heels began to sink in the soft ground, as she continued leaning against the golden beech tree that was steadily dropping its leaves through the rain. She looked down for the first time and noticed the side of her hand. There was a chunk of skin gone. Blood was dripping as steadily as the rain. She must have left a trail all the way down the hallway. She watched it for a minute and could now feel a throbbing. Rain washed the blood to the ground, mixing it into tiny swirls, swirling pools on the roots of the tree. She looked up at the orange and yellow leaves floating down through the rain and branches and whispered the word Why? She sat for a moment, absolute silence and blankness. Then she felt something. She felt the last thing that she was expecting. She felt peace. A peace she couldn't explain. A peace that took her into a different moment. It was the same moment, but somehow it was now a better moment. Then she felt the voice. She didn't hear it. It wasn't audible. But it was as if someone was speaking inside her mind. It said, I know the plans I have for you. Plans to bless you, Jen, not to hurt you. Plans to give you hope and a future. New tears began to fall. Different tears. Not of anger, not of pain, but tears of relief. Tears that came from feeling love. Love like Jen had never felt before. A feeling was so strong that it somehow felt physical. And she even felt it surging through her veins. She didn't know exactly why, but Jen knew that everything was going to be alright. She knew she had heard those words before from Reverend Adam. But yet she knew that this time they had nothing to do with him. He was the last person on her mind right now. She knew that those words were for her. God was speaking to her this time. Jen sat in euphoric peace for a few seconds as her clothes became more and more wet, yet her soul and even her body felt warm and rejuvenated. The feeling slowly faded until Jen felt nothing but the cold rain. She noticed the last couple patches of her clothes absorbing the rain. She looked up at the wet autumn through the red, yellow, and orange trees. It was beautiful, but also so cold. So cold that Jen got up. As she rose to her feet, Jen said the most meaningful prayer she had ever said. Thank you. Jen started walking back towards the school. She felt nothing, but instead of the empty, depressing nothing that was normal to Jen, she felt a calm, constant nothing. Her hair was now soaked, and the drops seemed to drip straight back down straight down the back of her neck, causing her to shiver every few steps. As Jen headed back toward the school, she noticed that she was all the way in the edge of what would be considered Hemlock Ridge's high school campus. Jen followed the sidewalk to the main building. As she approached the adjacent faculty parking lot, Jen was happy that sidewalks were full of puddles, but empty of people. She noticed her shoes, which now only had patches of shiny black. The rest of the shoes were now camouflaged with mud, grass, and tiny leaves. These stupid shoes, what was I thinking? She shook her head and kept walking. It occurred to Jen that they must have kept going with the show, and there would soon be an intermission. Jen wishfully considered that people might forget what had happened as the play continued. A young woman was walking ahead. Jen tried not to make eye contact with her, but before she got a chance to turn her head to avoid her to avoid her, she heard Jen Jen, are you okay? It was Lindsay Jenkins. Jen looked up and gave a half smile through the soaked hair hanging around her. Jen, I'm so so sorry, Lindsay said, while wrapping her arms around Jen. Jen was not expecting to be hugged, but it was comforting and much warmer than she had felt a moment ago. Are you okay? Before Jen got a chance to answer, Lindsay began again. Jen, you have to be freezing. And again, before Jen had her chance to respond, she found herself wearing Lindsay Jenkins' very fashionable navy trench style rain jacket. It was warm and had a clean, fresh smelling perfume smell to it. Jen felt a little awkward wearing the jacket, but it was so warm that she just went with it. Jen, your mom has been looking for you. She's obviously worried. I saw what happened. I'm so sorry, Jen. Are you okay? Yeah I'm okay, I guess. Part of Jen wanted to tell Lindsay about her moment outside, but she didn't know how to tell her, so she didn't say anything. So your mom has been a little bit worked up ever since then. Do you want me to bring her out to you so she's not so worked up in front of anyone else? Yes, thank you, Jen said, relieved that Lindsay had thought of that. Jen stood under the overhang of the nearest entrance to the school. Her soaked hair hung straight down clinging to her ears. Jen saw someone walking through the clear glass enclosure and turned and stepped over to the very edge of the overhang to avoid being seen by anyone walking by. Jen felt like she should be angry. But for some reason she was not. She felt sort of a numb piece. She wasn't sure why, but it was as if her mom, Morgan, and all the embarrassment, self loathing, and anger she had she had felt didn't matter. Almost like it was a dream, but yet she still wasn't awake yet. She knew her feelings and sense of peace had something to do with the moment she had with God. But she didn't know what or how. She just calmly stood, waiting for Lindsay and her mom to return. Jen could see her mom coming through the glass enclosure. Lena was walking so fast that she looked as if she was trotting or awkwardly jogging. Although Lindsay was much taller, she looked as if she was straining to keep up with Lena. She burst through the outside door.

SPEAKER_00 18:13

Jenny, Jenny, I thought you were really hurt. Jenny, don't do that to me. I thought you were really hurt.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Now what Jen wanted to say and what she actually said ended up being two different things. She wanted to say something in the lines of what I did to you, what I did to you? Are you kidding me? You absolutely humiliated me in front of the school. People make fun of me forever because of this. You make my life miserable. But instead she went easy on her mom. Mom, I'm fine. You embarrassed me in front of the whole school. I was fine, and you yelled across the whole auditorium. I'm not a little baby anymore. Jenny, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

I'm worried was worried. I thought you were hurt. I really think about how I didn't think about how embarrassing it would be for you.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

I was worried you were hurt. I was not hurt. It's fine. We have to go. It's almost intermission. Don't you have don't you have to go back up there? No, I'm done with my lines, and no, I'm not going back out there. Let's go. And that was chapter 17. Alright, so that was obviously a pretty intense chapter. Um was kind of like the uh, you know, the the pinnacle of the book there, you know. Um man. I think uh, you know, it's kind of intense and everything. You know, one of the things, you know, when I was writing this book, you know, I felt a long time ago that this was just absolutely something that um, you know, this was one of the first chapters kind of almost I read I wrote. Um I've you know revised it a hundred times since then, but you know, like I knew that at some point Jen would have this kind of like turning point in her life, and it would be because of because of God just like coming into her life in a new way. You know, she had this kind of casual relationship with God and everything, but like God really like speaking to her like on a personal level. Um and this is like to me like just the most important part chapter of the book that here you have this girl Jenna just at her weakest and lowest moment like of her life so far. Um, like God met her there, and you know, I feel like that is just the absolute character of like of Jesus that he meets us in our like lowest points of our lives, like when we have nothing else. I remember um I don't know why I'm thinking about this story right now, but I remember one time meeting this uh this Sudanese refugee um in college, right? And um, you know, it's kind of ironic because I work with immigrants and refugees like non-stop for the last like 15 years, um, which I absolutely enjoy with all my heart. Um, but I remember meeting this this this you know this guy from Sudan. And I just remember I was talking to him and he was talking about how tough it was living in a refugee camp, and that he went from, like I've you know, I met many students like this after, but he was from a war-torn part of Africa, this guy, and he literally, like, you know, like stuff blew up kind of thing in his his town, his village, and uh his mom was really sick and he couldn't even go with his mom. His mom couldn't even come with her because she was like so sick, but his mom's like, no, you need to go with like your uncle, like, like exit like our town. And later he found out his mom was like okay and everything, but um, but at the time he had to leave and he was like probably like in middle school or something, and he said he got to this refugee camp and it was like okay, cool, I'm at the refugee camp now, like I'm like safe. And even getting there was like crazy. He said all these wild animals, rivers of crocodiles he had to cross, all this crazy stuff to get there. He finally gets there. And he they're kind of like they're in Ethiopia, which is not, you know, maybe the the greatest country, or like the well, let's say they, you know, it's they have their own problems in Ethiopia. And so here's the refugee camp in this, you know, kind of impoverished land of Ethiopia, but at least they were like safe from war for the time being. And this guy just was with like absolutely no food. Like he said that that his food he got as a refugee was he got one like little Dixie cup, like the tiny little cups, like the four-ounce cups of oil, of olive oil for the week, and then he got a lima bean for every day of the week. So he got seven lima beans and one Dixie cup of olive oil for the whole week of food. And yeah. Just I mean, like absolutely like like almost starving to death. Like he said, like tons of people were like eating random leaves off trees in the refugee camp, and like half of them were getting sick because they weren't like even edible trees, but just people were so hungry. Um, they were looking for kind of any kind of food. And uh, you know, he always, you know, said that he was a Christian or anything and that he had this relationship with God. I remember just kind of thinking, like, I was like, man, I straight tell him, I was like, man, that must have been so hard to like believe in God that God still like loved you or whatever when you were going through this. And he's and I remember saying that to him. He looked at me and he just said completely against my expectation. He said, No, it wasn't. It's like that was a very easy time to like to like believe in God because God was all I had. Like God was the only thing that brought me through that time, and that hit him being able to like pray and like seek God and to like help him through that situation. I just remember always thinking that because it's really shocking, like, wow, like like God met him at least, you know, like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, like, and eventually, you know, physically as well, because he was able to get out of that. They ended up, you know, after a few months, they actually got like real food and stuff from fit. But um, you know, it's just like wow, like God was able to meet him where he was, and uh to me that's just just the absolute like character of like who God is, and to me, and like I can really look honestly look at my life, and like every good thing about me and my life, like stems from my faith in like Jesus. I can start from like a young age to my parents, the fact that my parents both like love God and like decide to raise me in a way to where like to like demonstrate like love and like caring for other people and caring for like the poor and like treating everyone equally and you know caring about every single person no matter what they look like or who they are, what they act like or what they believe. Um then going on to my life, you know, meeting you know, my my wife, and you know, settling for like a woman, not settling for any random girl, but like a woman of of absolutely noble character that is this beautiful woman of character that you know believes all those things, same things, and like seeks to like treat everyone you know in a good way and encourage them and to really look the best of people and uh you know just who I am as like a teacher and a parent and a father. And I'm I'm so not perfect if you know me at all. If you really know me, um I'm totally not perfect at all in any way. I have my own many, many flaws. Um, but like I feel like every way that you know every good part of my character is like Jesus reflected through me. Like I'm almost like a, you know, I strive to be like a mirror of his love, right? The same way that that he loves everyone, no matter, you know, what their religious beliefs are, who they are, what they act like, that you know, he loved every single person in the same way. I just strive to love other people and like just try to share that the the hope and the good news that I have in in Christ um to other people. And it's um I feel like I'm gonna get like emotional here. Sorry, talking about, but um, but it's uh it's just one of the most like important things to my life, and um this book um in some ways was just a really, really good way that I could feel like I could express that to me. Um and then uh you know, of course, the the title of the book is of peace and precipitation, and um you know, so here this here this girl is out in this just falling precipitation and this falling rain, this beautiful autumn. Um and it was in that that very moment where like she just felt like the peace of God like overwhelmed her heart and encouraged her soul to kind of keep going. Um and you know, for me, like that's that's kind of one thing that um you know, I always love like haikus, right? So I kind of talked about this thing in like one of the first episodes, but I love haikus, and um I love because it's like a moment in time with nature, and that's one of the times where I feel like I can see God the most clear. So I'm like out in the middle of nature and I just I'm away from like the hustle and bustle and the craziest in my life, and I'm like hiking on this like beautiful trail, and like this this this trees and leaves, and you know, Cleveland at one point was called the uh the forest city. And if you get away from the the actual city limits a little bit, you see these beautiful, like you know, deciduous like forests like everywhere, and um, you know, and you have so many beautiful like like trails on metro parks to where um sometimes when I'm in those moments or or even away from you know anywhere like and I'm able to see just the beauty of nature, like to me, like God just like is so clear. It's like man, I am so my life and my life's troubles is so insignificant compared to like the actual like expansive form of the universe and and nature, and that to me it's just one of those times where like I see God like so so so clearly, and um so like to me that always had to be like a part of like this chapter where she like met God and that um you know it was it was through this like beautiful moment in time with nature that like kind of like spoke really deep into her soul, even though she was at a very low point in her life and everything. Um but yeah, so that was chapter um 17. And um, you know, a couple other little kind of side notes are kind of like a little more in the late-hearted part, is that you know, she talked about age 11, which is one of one of my very favorite ages, by the way, of my life. Um I just really my fifth grade teacher was awesome. I had like a lot of friends. I had a best friend named Aaron as well. Shout out to Aaron McGowan, wherever you are right now. I think you're like Minnesota or something, or I don't know. I don't even know where he is, but but he was a really super cool guy, and we were like really good friends. We like had these big Lego wars, and that's something I mentioned that you know, Lego Wars and also Choose Your Own Adventure books, which got me to actually read books because they were awesome. If you've never read a choose your own adventure book in your life, you are missing out. All these lame books that have the endings written for you. But choose your own adventure, you get to like pick, you know, what happens through your decisions, and they're awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. And I also may or may not be a collector of said choose your own adventure books. I may or may not have like 60 of them in my house. Um, you know, my special bookshelf in my office, but anyways, so that's a different different question. You can ask me about that later. But I love choose your own adventure books, they're amazing. And um, yeah, also a little shout to Cedar Point there as well. Um, but yeah, there's just some fun times. So, like to me, that is sort of like the uh the the summer bloom of of like your your childhood, you know, before you know you're old enough to be not the smallest kid anymore, but then not have the the the pretensions of adolescence in there, you know, where you have to be cool or you have to whatever you have to try to impress girls or something. I don't know, whatever you have to do. Um, but it's not like adolescence, you can just kind of like enjoy your life as a child. Um at least at least in a perfect world you can, anyways. And uh yeah, so that was some of the things that uh I kind of wrote that so she was about that age when she kind of like figured out that she was uh smarter. You can notice like the you know, at that point in her life, I was trying to write it like she was like 11, that maybe you wouldn't have the same vocabulary to keep repeating that I'm smarter than my mom. And maybe in hindsight I would have wrote that a little bit differently, but um I definitely wrote it from the perspective of like 11-year-old freaking out and not really know what to say or how to express that, not really understanding the full range of what she felt or to be able to really express express that very eloquently. But um, so that is it. So we'll have to see um from this moment if things get better or worse or the kind of roller coaster for Jenna. We'll see. Um we'll have to see with the last um few chapters. Well, thank you very much for listening. I hope you're enjoying it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. This was a very, very important and meaningful chapter to the book and the story, and I hope that you're able to find the same meeting that um both myself and this meetup character Jen have found in uh relationship with God. So all right, but thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time. Much love. Goodbye.