Part 3 - That Thing Called Love

This episode drills down on the dynamics of shared love. How to move as one unit to create a relationship that is lasting and rewarding. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Hey, so welcome back to Life and With Lady P with my co-host, the ever-amazing Thewanda Anderson and Wayna Hendrix Bobs. We're coming to you again today. We are still on that thing called love theme, and today we're coming with No Chaser. We're going to jump right in it. We're going to dive right into it. We're going to talk real life love with you today. If you got a moment, you want to grab a friend, tell them to tune in. If you want to sit down with somebody and listen to this podcast, I encourage you to listen to it with somebody because the information that's going to come out today is going to be something that you can use in everyday life to navigate through this life in this thing called love. We talked the last time a lot about statistics. We talked about Gen Z and Gen Alpha and how they look at love. We're going to really look at love from a different perspective today from the entire worldview, how the world looks at love. We're also going to look at love from the traditional view of what love looks like from our generation. We do want you to reach out to us through email, ask us any questions that you might have that we can follow up on a future date. But at this time, we're going to just dive right into it. And I'm going to ask my co-host to answer a question. What does love look like in these modern times? And the reason for that question is because everybody has a different view of love. Some people look at love from socioeconomic status, some people look at love from a purely romantic and emotional status. But for the average person, what does love look like today as opposed to what love looked like a few years ago? Because we got a few years on y'all. But let us let's get onto it. Go ahead. Somebody talk to me.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

You want to go? I'll go first. All right. So I think today's love or idea of love is more based on socioeconomic status. I think you want partnership. I think you want somebody that has your same dream, goals, and visions. When you work it like that, I think it works out, but it it really does become transactional or more like a business partnership. So I think that's what it looks like today.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

Okay. I think that what love looked like today is looking at um Housewives of Atlanta. Um dealing with um the rich and the famous, gotta have the same outfit on and gotta be traveling this, that, and the other, the fake side of what love really is. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

So you're saying that what the media presents as love in Hollywood is not love at all, because basically, love from Hollywood's perspective is based on an angle that they want you to buy into, that this is the way that your relationship should go. Um, just going back to the the series that was just referenced, you know, that sounds like when I saw a couple of those episodes, it looks like complete chaos to me. And it did not look like love. I do understand that there are cultural shifts, and some things that were culturally normal are not normal today. For instance, I believe that this this economy of people look at love as individualism, and they don't look at love as a combining of spirits and kindred souls with the same goal alignment. It's I'm out for me. And what can you do for me or what have you done for me lately to quote a song? And if you haven't done anything for me lately, if you haven't bought me the shoes I want, if you haven't bought me the jewelry that I want, if you haven't provided me with, you know, the Grand Valentine's Day or birthday party or celebration, you really don't love me. But I want to bring us to a place where we understand that love is not transactional, love is sacrificial. What do I mean? It means that when I fall in love, when I choose, because love is a choice, when I choose to fall in love with somebody, I have to understand that I have to sacrifice some to some degree, not in every place, who I am for that relationship. Am I saying that you give up yourself? Absolutely not. Am I saying that you go hide in the closet and you no longer exist? Absolutely not. But what I am saying is that when we look at love, even from a biblical view, we understand that love is patient, love is kind, love is long-suffering, love is gentle, love is not loud, and we talked a lot about that in our last episode. And all of those things do encompass love, but where do the ideas of love come from today? Right? Why am I, why are we, why are you, because I'm in a different, different time zone than you guys are, why is it so transactional and why does it mean so much to be loud? For instance, the people. I've seen women get upset because they say, Oh, my spouse don't put me on Facebook. They don't put me on Instagram, they don't take pictures of me. There's no poses, no kisses. Well, from a time where there was no Facebook, there was no Instagram, listen, your love had to be exemplified, not showed and loud. What do you guys say to that?

SPEAKER_01 5:56

I think because it's transference. What you see is what you want. And because of the fact that social media is a part of our everyday lives, that's what people today want to live. So it's hard to live in that what we call true love thing. Yeah. Because, like you said, it's all about what I can get out of the relationship instead of what I can put into the relationship to become that one um body. One body. So that's really what I think it is. It's because we have, we always in our phones, we always on social media, and most of the time it's showing this thing called fake love, I call it. It is. That's what we want to do. We want to live these lives that is not real. Because when they get home, it's a total different story. I'm trying to tell you. I'm trying to tell you.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

I had a young girl who uh called me, and we were talking one time, and she was crying because one of her friends was married, and she was posting all of their pictures, and you know, when they went to dinner, when they went to the movies, when they went out. She was posting all the pictures, and it was such a happy marriage on Facebook, which she didn't know that I knew, is that they knew what was going on behind the scenes, and it was not what she was posting. I said, You're taking a two-second snapshot and assuming that that's their life. It is not. It is not, and in most cases nowadays, it is not. I think today we don't look for love based on what we knew it used to be. I think today relationships really are based on the camera, what it looks like socially. So we've become so socialized in a sense that we don't want to invest in our partner. We don't want to spend time with them, we don't want to actually love on them. What we say is wear the red outfit, let's take the picture, let's get our Christmas pictures together, let's pose with the kids, let's take a picture of our food and pose at dinner. And you're barely speaking to each other. You don't know what he likes, he don't know what you like. There's no, and I love the phrase you use, there's no oneness, there's no coming together, and there's not even a desire to become one. Nobody wants to sacrifice, nobody wants to let go, nobody wants to build into um and become that one uh union that the Bible refers to.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

And so, speaking to that basic principle of biblical love, and and at the at the end of the day, you guys, our core is faith. So, absolutely, we're gonna bring in what we know to be the biblical worldview. So, I encourage you to take these nuggets and also use them in your everyday life. Now, what was intended from the beginning was a merging of two distinct people into one person. If we go back to Genesis, we see that Adam and Eve was in the garden. One could make the argument that there was no other man for Eve to choose. One could really make that argument. But let's not make that argument. Let's just say that, you know, that the intent of those two individuals coming together and the reason why Adam was to forsake, listen, forsake all other. Like a man shall leave who? His father and his mother to do what? To cleave to his wife, to become one with her, one person. That is the intent of love, is to take two totally opposite people who may be raised different, different socioeconomic statuses, different educational status, different um experiences in life, and different journeys. Bring those people together. Love should be a beacon of hope as opposed to what is presented today in the media, is that it's it's completely selfless. Yeah. And it's completely lustful. And I do want to say that for a moment. Can we talk about that for a moment? Absolutely. That love as it is shown today is about, and I'm gonna say it how for the men, right, how big you're behind it. Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_04 10:08

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

For the women, it's how big other things are, but we won't go there, right? Love is totally, right, completely flesh. But true love is spiritual. It is spiritual. And when you can find a partner that combine that can combine with you on a spiritual level, that is the epitome of love. Even through all of the ups, all of the downs, all of the disappointments, all of the highs, and all of the lows, at the base principle line of that, if love is there, that relationship can't survive.

SPEAKER_03 10:43

Every time.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

And so what we have today, and I want you guys to speak to this, is that there is a high degree of rotation in relationships. Uh people rotate relationships like they change their underwear. Yep, I said it. Yeah, I said it. And it's true. Like they change underwear. With you today, not with you tomorrow. And the principal reason for that is because they don't see love number one as lasting.

SPEAKER_03 11:11

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

They don't see it number two as sacrificial, and they don't see it number three as a merger that is to be made for any, I don't, I don't want to say eternity, that might scare somebody. Yeah. But that should be made for an extended period of time. Today's framework is for the moment. For the moment. How do you talk to a generation that is for the moment to get them to understand that love is not just a moment thing. It's not just dopamine that's running through your head. It's just, it's not just, you know, um, that feeling that you just want to consummate or be intimate with an individual. It's not that. It's all of that, but then it is so much more than that. How can we speak to this generation to help them to understand that they need to go deeper in their understanding?

SPEAKER_03 12:04

So, what I would say is number one, you have to remind them that life is more than the pride of life, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eye. And if you watch today's couples, that's exactly what it is. It's the pride of life. It's how I'm living, how big is my car, what does my mansion look like, what does my man look like? It's uh the the lust of the eye, how good do I look? How much you know work have I done? Surgery have I had on my body to look pleasing to others so that they might lust on me. And then uh the lust of the flesh. Is he good in bed, or do I pretend that he's good in bed? None of those things keep you in a relationship. Friendship keeps you in relationship. Trust keeps you in relationship. Partnering together keeps you in relationship. Weathering storms keeps you in relationship and it builds love step by step by step. Love is not instant, it is built brick by brick.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

I think also what it is today too, a lot of people just don't want to be alone. That's true. That's true. That's why people actually go from settle. From they settle, number one, and they go from relationship to relationship to relationship because they don't want to. In other words, when they're alone, they find out who they really are.

SPEAKER_03 13:28

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

So that's what it is. They they're um ignoring the fact that they really want to just sit down and say, Wow, maybe that. Look how much you've grown, or wow, why did you settle for that man when he didn't really mean you no intention? Or why did he settle for me? You get what I'm saying? And we don't realize, I'll just say this, in today's society, they don't realize by being with that fine man, he got the body, he got this, that, and the other. All he wants is what he can get out of you. Out of you. But he don't want you. He wants you for that night. Or for the nights. For the nights. For the nights, but not for you. You just, and he just come by at night just to get that, whatever he's trying to get. But he's not there for you. And how does it make you feel after he leaving?

SPEAKER_02 14:16

Well, what about let's talk about that a little bit, Wayne, because that is just a true valid point for the for those who settle for creepers in the middle of the night, right, who don't want to be alone. That speaks to a lack of self-esteem for that particular individual. Because if you don't love yourself enough to weather the storm of loneliness until that person, and I I have to say it like that can check the boxes that you need, check, not you want check, but the boxes you need to check. Listen, what do I need? I need somebody who is emotionally mature, I need somebody who wants to be responsible, a good provider, someone who wants to protect me, someone who can be with me through the silence. Right. You know, I found that in my own personal relationship, when you can get into the car and just ride with somebody and have nothing to say, not because you're angry, not because you're mad, but because that individual's presence and your presence mean so much to each other that that time of quietness is still quality time. And I find that, you know, our current society of individuals seeking for love don't understand those small undertakings that's necessary for love to be successful. I see you got something brewing in your head. So come on.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Well, I'm gonna say this. I think a lot of it comes from our raising. Because a lot of times what happens is we have had young mothers or mothers that have not been trained how to allow somebody to love her. Just accepting men to come in and out till it's I think it's just nothing but generational curses to a sense. And they don't realize, you know what? There's certain things that I didn't like about my mom. What could I do better to help raise my kids? But they find themselves in those generational curses till it's hard for them to break up. But if they sit down and spend that time alone instead of jumping from sack to sack, male or female, jumping from sack to sack, but get to those isolation periods.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

And I'm glad you brought out that part about male and female because not only do you know um females experience this sack to sack, men do too. Um there is a population of men out there that are sincere. They want to find a lasting loving relationship. But the person that's on their arm, their significant other, doesn't want that and doesn't know how to do, I want to say nurture a relationship. Correct. Because with love, you gotta know how to nurture it for it to grow. It's like a plant, you just dig a hole and put it in the ground. Guess what? I've done it. I've had so many plants that I said I went and bought and said it was gonna grow. I didn't do anything but put it in the pot. And a few weeks later, the plant was gone. But let me tell you what I did. I went to Home Depot and I said, I won't be defeated this time. Oh no. I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna grow this plant. So I bought a plant and I bought a huge pot because my expectation. Right. See, it speaks to expectation. My expectation is I wanted this big plant in my living room. I babied that plant. I fed that plant. I watered that plant. I even talked to that plant. Now y'all know I don't even talk to people, but I talked to that plant. And a few days later, when I looked, that plant had quite a few new stems coming up. And every time I walk by that plant, I say, Yeah, you my girl. Come on, keep growing, keep growing. And it's still growing. And I've had this very same plant I want to say now for five years. Oh, beautiful. When I couldn't keep one plant for one week. So I want to say to the men and to the women, if you want your relationship to last, you've got to nurture that relationship. You've got to give it some food, right? And you got to give it the right food. We know that because if we put the wrong foods in our bodies, you know, we we can destroy this old body. It's the same thing for relationship. If you put the wrong things in a relationship, it's not gonna last. Can you share with me what you think might be some wrong things that happens in relationships that causes it to fail?

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Yes, I could. Communication. When you're coming into a relationship, I may be a wife, but I may not be your wife. So, in other words, you need to tell your partner what it is that you expect for them to be if they come into a relationship with you. That's what I believe it should be, something like that.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

So I kind of agree with you, but I almost don't, and here's why. When we meet somebody for the first time, what ends up happening is the representative shows up.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

That part. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:19

He shows up dressed the part, walking the part, talking the part, opening the door, holding your chair, saying all of the right things the right way, like he's reading a script, and you're like, oh, this is him, because he's doing all these wonderful, perfect things. Same thing on the other side. The woman shows up. She's dressed apart, she done paid to have her face uh made up, hair done, everything is perfect. She's looking like your dream wife. But because we're always and or are invested in the lust of the eye, that's what we go with. We don't go beneath who is he after this, who is she after that? What is he like when he's tired, when he's frustrated, when he's sad, when he's lonely, when he's hungry, when he's angry? What is he like? What is she like when she can't get her nails done, she can't afford to get the nails done, when she can't get the hair done that she wants, and she can't pay $250 uh dollars for her make? What is she like on those days? Right. What is she like as a partner? Is she a spendthrift or does she save money? Same thing with him. Does he spend the show off or is he willing to put money in the bank? And then you can, once you figure out these things, and communication is a part, but honesty is really for me key. Stop lying. Stop going on an interview, showing up as the representative, because we've all been on interviews. You sit up, you give the eye contact, you already know the questions they're gonna ask, you have responses already set. You give those responses, and guess what? You got the job. Six months later, they're like, this is not the person we interviewed. And I think it's really a lot like that in relationship. It's not the person you interviewed. I think you have to take time to be authentic and to listen with your heart and your prayers. I think you've got to move a lot of the um um sexual tension out of the way. Sex is gonna happen. It's a thing that's gonna happen. I'm not mad at it. I when, you know, I it's I'm not mad. However, there's more than that. There's absolutely more to a relationship than how good you are or are not in bed. How good are you with money management? How good are you with children? What is your patience level like? Do you pray ever? Do you want a relationship where someone is praying with you and for you? What are your goals? What are you looking to do? Just like on a job interview. What are your short term goals? What are your long term goals? And be honest. And then look at his. Does it match? No. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 21:58

But I don't think, again, it goes back to I'm sorry. And I'm gonna I'm gonna be done. But my thing is it goes back to being alone. You have to be willing to be happy and content being alone because a content whole person will always attract another content whole person. But if I'm fragmented and scary and lonely and just looking to grab whatever, I'm gonna get whatever.

SPEAKER_02 22:24

Or that that word we use in one of our prior episodes where we said that you were desperate or thirsty, right? And so my mind goes back to this mem that I saw quite some time ago where you know this this this fella and this young lady met each other, and um which is not, you know, decided to spend the night together. And when when he woke up in the morning, you know, the the wig had come off, the you know, eyelashes had come off, and they had pulled the leg off. I mean, you know, and then and the teeth out, and you know, and then when he woke up in the morning, he was shocked to find the person laying next to him was not the person whom he spent time with the day before.

SPEAKER_04 23:04

Right.

SPEAKER_02 23:04

Right? And and and I think we phrased it one time as the imposter syndrome. Yes, the imposter syndrome. When you're thirsty, when you're desperate, you attract impostors. And the impostors don't change until they get what they want, until they know their roots are dug enough deep in that you're not going to send them away. Because now you're so connected and you're so afraid of being alone and by yourself that you're not going to send them away. So the imposter stops impostoring and becomes who they really are. And then you're sitting there saying, How, whether it's female or male, how did I end up in this situation? Right? A hundred percent. I have to tell you, we are out of time, unfortunately. Um, but stay tuned because we're coming right back with the remainder of that thing called love. And we're gonna wrap it up in this next episode. Thank you so much, and make sure you grab somebody and tell them tune in into the to the next episode as well.

SPEAKER_05 25:26

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Veterans Corner. My name is Chuck. What is decision for ourselves for this week?

SPEAKER_01 25:33

If we want to be made way.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Hi, welcome to the crack of dawn. It's Dawn Lombardi. I'm starting the painting. It's gonna be the clips with some water. Love it.

SPEAKER_05 25:45

He took me on the sets of lost in space, Batman. Everybody has a story. What's yours? Until next time. We always have the complete full dinner menu. Knockwurst, broth worst, sauer bratton, potato pancakes, bread cabbage, rice pudding, green pies, all the desserts that Germany had to offer. I always do something different. Yes, I do. I brought seafood to the beer garden at the Eastside Restaurant. Eastside restaurant, your German destination restaurant in Connecticut. Tingy talking, tingy talking. Hoy, hoy, hoy!