Choosing Honesty Over Ego In Love And Family

Ever catch yourself arguing about nothing and wonder what you’re really fighting for? We open up about the messy, brave work of choosing vulnerability over ego and how that choice reshaped both a twenty-five-year partnership and a newer, healthy relationship on the brink of parenthood. From tiny flare-ups that mask bigger wounds to the quiet courage of saying “I need space,” we unpack how accountability, boundaries, and clear asks can transform love from fragile to resilient.

We get honest about the habits that sneak in from past relationships—testing, poking, expecting old chaos—and how naming them out loud breaks the loop. You’ll hear how we distinguish a helpful boundary from a shutdown, why taking a solo day can save a week, and how to ask for help without feeling like you’ve failed. We also talk about offering advice only when it’s wanted, protecting your energy without punishing your partner, and raising kids while breaking the patterns you grew up with. Along the way, faith and reflection ground the hard choices so tenderness can return.

If you’re craving calmer conversations, deeper trust, and fewer mixed signals, this is a roadmap you can use today. Learn how to say the true thing kindly, repair faster after missteps, and create a home where needs are spoken plainly and handled with care. Subscribe for more real talk on relationships, share this with someone who needs the nudge, and leave a review to tell us the boundary you’re setting this week.

Transcript

Why Vulnerability Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi guys, welcome to this week's episode of Tough Love and Thagathas. Hi, Trini.

Twenty-Five Years And Relearning Communication

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hi. How are you? I'm good. How much is that? I'm good, thanks. Love to hear it. So in this week's episode, we're gonna be talking about how to learn how to be vulnerable. Like learn when it's okay to ask for help and just to be able to take accountability for things you don't.

Old Patterns In A Healthy Relationship

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Well, I I think like the reason I wanted to talk about this is because like so your dad and I have been in a relationship for 25 years, and I feel like we both kind of reached a point where we were so scared to disappoint the other or to be honest with the other, or to blame each other for everything that we felt defeated on the inside, that it's like now we're barely learning how to communicate everything again. Which I've always been an over-communicator, but you know your dad. Like he's so he's not much of a communicator, and I feel like this is was an important topic to discuss, not only because I'm the growth that we're both experiencing after 25 years, but also you being in a newer relationship where you're going to be like you're both gonna be parents now, but just to not only set the example, but kind of teach like how important it is that not only I mean even even if you're not in a relationship, I feel like being vulnerable with yourself and being honest with what it is that you could be doing differently or what you are dealing with on the inside that you want to project to everybody on the outside, because it's so easy to point the finger at everybody else when things aren't what you want them to be. But I feel like it's when you look inside that's when you learn the most of why you why things are the way they are, why you've allowed them to be the way they are, why you're afraid to change anything. And like I just feel like it was an important topic for us to discuss, especially you being my daughter, you being in a new relationship, not new relationship, I shouldn't say that, like, but you being in a relationship and you you're gonna Well, this is my first healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Healthy relationship. That's what the Yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Let's start referring to that.

Accountability And Breaking Family Cycles

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Even then, like I was telling you, like, we don't argue much, but when we do, like it's over like the smallest shit. It like literally like saying like we're having a disagreement about like it reminds me of a meme where it's like they're saying, Um, look at that turtle, or no, like that's a tortoise. Like, no, it's a turtle, no, it's a tortoise, like that type of like little small like arguments, you know. So, like I realized that there was a lot that I didn't heal from from past relationships or even just from myself that I was trying to ignore and not act like it wasn't an issue that was happening in our relationship. So when we would have our arguments, a lot of it would come from me starting it. And I had to reflect on that and be like, girl, what are you really mad about? What are you really mad about? And I'm even more mad because he's not reacting the way I want him to, but that's like that's toxic. Like, I don't, I didn't want that at all. But I think I was just so used to like old patterns. Oh, I was so used to old patterns and the same thing over and over that I was trying to, I was subconsciously bringing that into this relationship without meaning to. And even me and me and him had to talk about it, and he was like, I don't know what you dealt with, and I don't really want to know exactly, but this is our relationship. This is us now. Like, we're we're supposed to be able to communicate with each other without having it to be like a whole argument with each other, and that is still something that I'm still learning to do because it's I don't like getting called out on my own shit. And I could be honest about that. It's not easy for me to hear it, and I don't like to hear it, but I'm learning.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Oh my god, breaking news, guys. I'm just kidding.

unknown 4:09

I'm just playing.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

I'm learning. Trini has touched into the accountability phase. Yeah. Yeah. That's a huge step for me to do it. As your mom, I'm sorry. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Like I've been having I've been having a lot of self-reflecting now, especially now that I have a son on the way. I don't want to bring him into the same things that I was used to just because it's what I was used to. I like you said before, just because you're raised a certain way doesn't mean that that has to be well, we can break the patterns. You could break the patterns. So it's important to always take accountability and always reflect on the things that you're doing in that scenario where just because it's not working out the way you want it to, doesn't mean that it's not going the way it's not supposed to either. Like God has a plan for everything He does.

From Ego To Self-Reflection

Boundaries With Loved Ones

SPEAKER_01 5:01

And I feel like more so I've learned like some things need to fall apart so they can fall into place. Exactly. And I feel like there's so many situations and stuff that I look back at, and it was so easy for me to cling on to ego or darkness or evil or whatever you want to call it, and point the finger at everybody else for what they were doing. They didn't do this, they should have known that, they should know this, they should do that. And there was a point in time where um I know that I was just doing without even considering what like I'm how do I say it? I'm not like an egotistical person, but I'm not really one to tell people when I'm struggling because I've always been the helper, I've always been the provider, I've always been the person that shows up for everybody else that I I think when I began to start struggling, I thought that people would look at me as I like if I failed. And I could I couldn't accept that. So I just kept chugging along, doing the same things, repeating the same habits, and expecting for everybody else to catch up to be where I needed them to be. Yeah. And the more I'm evolving and I'm learning and I'm growing as a person, the more I'm seeing that nobody else can show up for me until I show up for me and I can let it be known what it is that I need. Yeah. And I feel like it's it's been it's been a freaking hockey puck size dry pill to swallow, to be like it's not everybody else, it's me. Like I it's humbling. It totally is. But then you kind of if you want to live a life of peace and you want to live a life where all you can do is spread love to everybody that you want, which is the life I crave and I desire, and I will do the work to live, you have to. You don't really have an option, otherwise, you're just constantly second-guessing the people in your life, the relationships that you build. Are they there because they want to, or are they there because of what I give, or we what I'm able to provide, or you know what I mean? And I feel like being being able to not only be vulnerable with yourself to reflect and look in the mirror and see what actions and things you're doing to invite all this stuff, but being able to be the most vulnerable with the people that you love, that you you come to a place where you stop judging everybody else and you start wanting to heal yourself. And then it's weird how everybody else, it kind of your energy it overflows to everybody else. Yeah. I like I feel like the more I heal with me, the more you and I are getting closer, the more you and I are able to have like conversations. Where, like I've told you, like even you with your baby, like I I expect you to set boundaries for me. I expect you to like, mom, this is me. This is my experience. You know what I mean? Because it gets so easy to, well, Trini, this works, and Trini that works, and Trini, you know what I mean? But for me, it's I want to give advice when solicited.

It’s Okay To Ask For Help

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Yeah. And even I know myself, I'm gonna, it's gonna be a little hard for me too, to even do that. Cause I've I come to you for everything. I mean, I mean, I love it. But there's certain times where yes, obviously I am gonna have to like set the boundary for certain things that I want to do differently from what you did differently with me or Uriah, whatever the case is. And that's like I'm gonna obviously still ask you for help for any of these. Of course. I mean, but that's that's okay though. I mean, that's the whole point of like, that's the whole point of having you as like the grandma, like like my family, you know, everybody that I the person that I go to for just about everything. It's okay to ask for help, like even when it's just outside of family or anything like that. Say my friends, like too, the ones that have kids now and they're all they're all boys too. I'm gonna be asking for help anywhere. And I feel like a lot of people that are new parents too are too scared to or too prideful because they think that if they don't, if they ask for help, then that they're that they're not doing it the right way or they're failing as a parent. And I've witnessed it before. And I just feel like a lot of people need to learn that it's okay to ask for help in any scenario, whether it's with the baby or not. Yeah.

Taking Space Without Guilt

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Well, I think for me, like personally, I I go to the Bible, I go to God, I go to everybody with my problems. So it makes it so hard for me to go to other people because then in the back of my head, I'm thinking, what will they think? What will they think? And then what I've noticed or I've realized within my trials and tribulations of what I'm going through that kind of force me to evolve, to change, to grow, to learn is all that that was doing is like I said, I'm pointing the finger at everybody else, and then I'm internalizing everything until I break down. And then it's like, I want to get the fuck away from everybody. I hate you. Not I hate you guys, but I hate this situation. I don't want to deal, like, I just I want to go lock myself in a room by myself, away from everybody, which I did. And I feel even that's therapeutic to be able to be honest with yourself and the people that you love, like literally that day. Last Friday, I told the man that I love, looked him dead in his eyes, and said, I'm gonna lay in bed all day by myself. Do not ask me for anything. Don't, I'm not gonna answer my phone. I'm not gonna do anything. I need a day of just me. I I need to replenish what's inside of me. And then just show up.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

He's on the couch, like literally laying down like a little baby, all sad in his little plate. I don't think he was sad. He was he was he was hung over yet. Okay, there we go then. Well, I was just like, I got me, I see him in the living room all the time, but this time it's just a little bit different. The way he was all bundled up. And I go into the timing. And she's like, Do you think it's a little mean?

Love, Hugs, And Energy Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 11:24

I no, no, no, I didn't say that. I told her, well, now I feel guilty because Oh, because I was hanging out with her in the room. Yeah, I told her, well, now I feel guilty. One, I wasn't expecting her to show up, but it was just kind I wasn't gonna chase her away because she doesn't live with me anymore. So I was like, I need to take this time to hang out with my daughter. But then I was like, oh shoot, I just told the person, another person that I love that I didn't want nobody to talk to me or touch me or be around me or nothing. And here she was. So it was like one of those things where I was like, next time I need to send a memo worldwide to every Belmont to let them know when I want me date to myself. That way there's no surprises and I don't have to make one person feel a certain way. I don't think he cared. He could have cared less, but he might have. But still, it's just the point of being able to be vulnerable enough with somebody you love to tell them I need a day for me, and it's not about you. It has nothing to do with you. It's just me. I just need to replenish myself. And I feel like, especially like as women, because we pour into so many other people, so many other things that we're not given that. We're not told it's okay. Yes. We're just like, oh my God. Like I I can hear, I can just hear one of the comadres from somewhere listening saying, I yo nunca, like I couldn't. You know what I'm saying? And it makes you feel judged, it makes you feel like it's the wrong thing to do. But I feel like you have to do what feels right for you.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

And even now with the stem on the same way, too. Like, there's a lot of times where I'm just like, okay, right now I'm really irritated, or I'm just I'm not in the right headspace in order for me to be around you or anybody right now. I want to be alone. I want to have my own space for a little bit. And him, he's really, he's really clingy. He's really, really clingy. And I love that. Don't get me wrong if you watch this. I love that because I'm the same way. I have like an attachment thing with him too. But there's certain times where I'm just like, I really want to be alone right now. Yeah. And I feel bad because I don't want to make you feel bad because he he's really like sentimental too. Yeah. So but I'm like, I love you and I appreciate you, but right now I just need my space. And he's now he's getting to that point too where he's really understanding about that. And he's like, okay, I'm gonna go work on the car outside or something like that. You let me know when you're ready. Yeah. Dad and I love that. And I love that. And I'm like, oh my god.

Closing And Key Reminder

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Dad and I had that same conversation. We literally had that same conversation where I was telling him how the other day I had a bad day. I got home and it seemed like everybody was home, and I was having a super bad day. Where he even asked me, Do you need a hug? And I said, No, I don't. And we were talking about it yesterday, where he was like, Well, when I'm I thought you, I just wanted to give you a hug to make you feel better. And where we, like I said, we're learning to communicate all over again in a different context. Where I told him, like, I I know I said it depends. I said, Don't ever not offer me a hug because there might be a day that I do want it. But I said that particular day, the way things were, I didn't want anybody else's, I didn't want my energy to rub off on anybody else. Yeah. So you were happy, you wanted to offer love, you wanted to do that. I didn't want you to hug me because I didn't want to transfer my fucked up energy to you. That I was like, no, like, no. And so I just told him we're just different people where and I'm a different person today versus tomorrow. Yeah, you know, so I feel like it's good to give each other the space to be vulnerable, to be honest, and that way, you know, if somebody's hearing you for what you're saying and not jumping into the dark part of their mind where they take it personally against them, it makes your relationships that much more stronger.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

And I'd completely agree.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

So, with that being said, we are going to wrap this one up. Go back to the people that we love and make them vulnerable. Just kidding. Have a good week. We'll see you next week. Bye.