Episode 4: Even the Sun Goes Down

Not a fun one. Sad anniversary day. How I dealt with major loss twice. Overcoming & continuing. No excuses, just how life is.

Transcript

Speaker: 0:01

What is up everybody? Today is Tuesday, September 9th, and this is horoscopes often lie. I'm your host Bradley, and thank you so much for plugging your headphones in. Cutting your car on, playing your phone, all the groovy ways that you may listen to this. Man, thank you so much. You could have been anywhere in the world and you took a few minutes to be with me, so thank you. I love you for it. Um, today, you, you know what guys? It's just me and this is gonna be kind of a off the cuff episode. Um, I just wanted to come live today because today's kind of a crazy day and I feel like telling this story may help other people that have gone through it or may go through it, or it's my podcast, I'm putting it out there. You know, there's no rules and that's my favorite thing in the world. No rules. So today actually marks the five year anniversary. Since my ex-wife, my daughter's mother passed away. Um, she was 40 years old and she got a headache. It was a normal night. Uh, we were divorced at the time, uh, shared custody, but great, great parental relationship, great friends, no bad blood type thing. Um, we had been divorced for I think close to two years and. She went to bed with a simple headache and she never woke up. Um, she was rushed to the hospital that night and it was basically a giant brain aneurysm. Nobody saw it coming. Nothing she did wasn't related to anything. It was just a one in a gazillion things that happened and brain aneurysm. And she passed away on the spot. And so. You know, as I was thinking this morning, just about all of it and texting with my daughter this morning, it, it really just made me think about, you know, everything that went into this whole life changing experience. And I wanted to share some of that with you guys because it's, I see it. At five years today, I see it a little differently, um, than I did the morning it happened, and even a year after it happened, or two years after it happened. So yeah, that, that happened. It was my daughter's first day of high school. It was COVID. It was total chaos and. Um, you know, I really hope, first of all, that no one listening to this that is a parent ever has to go through something like this. Um, I, I tell people that the hardest thing I've ever done is having to tell my daughter that mom didn't make it or that, you know, mom wasn't coming home from that hospital. And you know that she had passed and you as a parent, you never think about that, or at least I had not. I was 40 years old at the time. Um, I'm pretty sure my daughter was 11 and everything changed. You know, it's, uh, the overwhelming sadness and just. Disbelief that someone healthy has been taken from you out of the blue, perfect, normal one day, the next day fully gone. And it's, it's someone that at one time I had walked down the aisle with, it was the daughter of my, I mean the mother of my daughter. It was. You know, shared custody. I talk to her every day. Just day to day parent life. That's how you do. Any of you that are divorced, um, you get it. Lots of planning carpools, who's got who, what days of the week. And so at that time, my, we had, like I said, we had partial custody or shared custody, whatever you call it. And my daughter stayed at my house with my. Current wife and I on, um, Thursday night, Friday, Saturday, Sundays, and then went back to her mom's who lived 10 minutes down the road and she was at her mom's Sunday night. And then, um, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday mornings. And so not only did my daughter's world just totally change, um. My, I mean this whole thing, it then becomes, my current wife now becomes a quote unquote full-time mother. You know? Um, we do not have kids of our own. And, you know, she went from being the part-time stepmom to all of a sudden having a first day of high school pre teenager. Um, I guess my daughter was 13, maybe not 11. I'm trying to think. Man, I'll be honest, time is so crazy, but, so I guess my daughter was 13, so, you know, we then go into this crazy thing where my current wife's role changes my daughter's life. Forever changes. It was not even trying to take anything away, regardless of me or anyone else, my daughter's life. Will never be the same, you know? And as a parent, I am there trying to juggle all of this while then also being just absolutely crushed and devastated that I, I lost someone that was very important to me as well. And you know, you, you sit there and you think about like, holy cow, like she's not gonna be there at my daughter's wedding. Or high school graduation. Um, college graduation, you know, first apartments. Um, just so many things that you don't really think about mom or dad not being there for, and I was just so devastated for my daughter and it, it was a very hard thing. I will tell you this, my daughter handled it. Better than anyone, much better than me. Much, much better than me. Um, she was so resilient and so incredible. She didn't make excuses. She didn't let the moment take her over. She aced through high school, is in college, acing through college and has just. So far grown into the most amazing, beautiful human you could ever imagine. And that's why I really wanted to talk about this because I think that when something this big happens, it is very easy to get overwhelmed and think, um, you know, almost like, holy crap, poor me. This is going on, on top of regular life. And now like, how am I ever gonna get past this? Oh my God. Like here I am, I'm now, you know, the only actual parent and it's very overwhelming and I just wanna let people know that it's, it's you will get through it and it's how you get through it that will make you a better person on the other side. And I've always told my daughter this being resilient and working through tough times suck, but. It turns you into something that when the next problem arises, you're hopefully more equipped to deal with it and maybe it's a little easier to deal with because of what you learned. And that's how I really think about it. It has one thing I'll tell you. Little things don't matter to me anymore. Little, little things that I used to worry about with my daughter or tell her not to do, or even just little things in my own personal life, I don't worry about them anymore. I realize that there are much bigger situations out there and all the little stuff isn't really that big of a deal. This, this happening made me. I guess kind of prioritize what's really important? I try to enjoy every day. I enjoy just being outside. I enjoy the sunshine. I enjoy the wind. I try to enjoy every single person that I'm around and that's in my life. And I try to enjoy my family even more. You know, just knowing that it can be. There one day and not there the next. And so, you know, regardless of what you're going through, there is always someone who has been through worse or has been through the same. And everyone feels that overwhelming feelings sometimes of how the hell am I gonna get through this? Okay. And you will. And you can, and. It may look different to everyone, but you cannot give up on yourself or give up on growing and evolving, because once you do that, you've, you've lost in general because you have to grow, you have to evolve. Life keeps moving with or without you, and it will leave you in the dust if you do not keep going. Okay. So you know anyone that's going through something crazy like that and thinks, oh my God, like life's never gonna be the same. Yeah, I will agree with you. Life will not ever be the same. Okay. It will, and I cannot speak for my daughter, but her life will never, that void will never be filled. But all you have to do is continue on being. The best version of yourself and focusing on the future, doing what you think, whether it's someone you lost, whether it's somebody that just isn't in your life anymore, or it's maybe someone that you had a falling out with that you still care about regardless of what the situation is. Just keep living life and doing what makes you happy. You have to be happy and once you are, and once it's okay to be sad and it's okay to mourn and it's okay to, you know, even have really crappy days, that's, that's normal, but it cannot take you over and then become what your life is moving forward. You have to grow, you have to continue. And I know that's what my ex-wife would want. I held her hand in that hospital and I hope, and I feel that she could hear me and I told her that I love you and I'm gonna miss you. And no matter what, I'll make sure our daughter is raised correctly and I'll do everything I can. My power to make sure that she has everything she needs. And then, you know, my current wife now also was there with me in the hospital. She told her, I'll make sure I raise Addison to your standards and I'll do the best job I can do. And you know, it's, it has been hard on everyone. It's been tough on everyone, all of us, but especially my daughter. Um, and that's five years today, guys. It's just been on my mind this morning and it's been obviously something that's honestly always on my mind, but today, especially on an anniversary and it's also, um, I've got an eight year anniversary of losing my closest and oldest. I guess you'd call it best friend. He unfortunately took his life and, um, that's also something I kind of want to get into. I know all of us have been affected by suicide. It's kind of like cancer. I feel like it's one of those things that unfortunately is just a part of everyone's life and whether it's been a family member or a best friend or or, or whatever, we've all somewhat been affected by this. And I just, I still don't get it. Um, my friend, his name was William, and this is a guy that moved into my parents' neighborhood and growing up since early grade school was my dude waited on the bus to get home, hung out, rode bikes, firecracker wars in the woods, you know, the whole thing growing up, playing football. Uh, you know, stayed ultra tight as, as we grew up. He, uh, I'll never forget his, right after our senior year of high school, him pulling me aside, we met in the little baseball field in their neighborhood and we were 18, and he pulls, pulls up with two OE of, you know, forties oe, forties old English, and tells me, he's like, man, you won't believe it. I'm not gonna say her name, but. His wife at the time was pregnant. He's like, bro, I'm having a kid. I'm like, what? I mean we were kids, you know, 18. He's like, yeah, man, can you believe it? And you know, we went through that together. He was my roommate twice in life in our early twenties, and we had apartments and his daughter lived with us in one of those apartments on his days that he had her. That's where I learned. He, he, he woke up and he had to learn how to do girl's hair and he had to get her to school and he had, that's where I learned all that stuff. So I would never have been the dad that I am now without William. I, I learned how to be a dad from watching him. He was so, he was such a good dad and he ended up having another child, you know. Some years later, and he went through some messy kind of, you know, divorce, baby mama drama things and just like we all do. And he, he had some tough family issues that like we all do that he battled through. But I just, and, and I guess everyone can say this, I would've never expected it in a million years. I didn't see it coming. I didn't, this is a person that from the time I was probably. Seven, eight years old that I was with, or at least talked to daily or weekly, up till, um, the time he left us in 2018. I guess he was 39, I was 38 when he left us. And um, you know, he, he worked, he ran a car wash and that's, he was really known as like this car wash guy. He'd been there, you know, a lot of his adult life and that's where people really knew him from, you know, it was William from the car wash. They all called him Will. That's how I knew if it was a new friend versus an old friend. I, I called him Willie Will. That's what I knew him at from the old growing up days and, and just being my dude, you know? And I still don't get it. I still question it. I still think about it. Um, I've lost other friends to suicide, unfortunately. But this one hit closest to home. This was, uh. This was like my brother, and it is the last person I just saw it. I never saw it coming. It's the last person I ever would've saw it coming. Um, this is your friend who is, um, he has faith with the Lord. He went to church. He was a dad of two. He was a family guy. He was, um, a homebody. He was just an all around, owned his house. Um, I don't know, I guess quintessentially the all American guy, you know, and, um, it was, it, it was just, he had a battle inside him. Okay. And, uh, for anyone out there that thinks life is that overwhelming, if you listen to this, please, it only hurts the people that you leave. I still talk to both of his children. I talk to his family. I still talk to friends of ours that were in our crew growing up, and everyone's still devastated and everyone's still, I have run 80,000 conversations through my head of why I didn't see it coming. I stopped at the car wash the week. He passed four days before he passed and I saw him will, what's up dude? Yo. Busy, busy, boom. Gave each other dap. That's that. Everything good? Yeah, man. Let's get up soon. We will. We will. And that was our normal car wash experience. When he was at work. He was busy, he was in a hurry, comes over, says, Hey, we laugh about this or that. How are the kids, you know, small talk. But I didn't notice anything different. And this was, this was my dude of. 30 years at that time, and it just felt as normal as ever and it haunts me'cause I, I don't, I, I think about what could I have seen or what could I have done. I, I've reread every text that me and him sent the year before. I've thought about phone calls and I just, I didn't see it. And maybe that's how, you know, a lot of people feel after these type of things happen. But I, I've also, my mental health has been put through the ringer at different times in my life. And it took me, you know, I talk about in episode one getting sober and those two events, I couldn't process them. And after my ex-wife passed, um, that was in September, I got sober shortly after that. Um. My body and just mental health could not deal with it any longer. Um, I couldn't grieve, I couldn't process and I was just falling apart, honestly. So, but that's a whole different podcast. Um, that's what it took for me. But anyone out there that is going through crap or that feels like it's too much, please, please just talk to someone. Please call your homeboy or homegirl. Um. If you are too embarrassed to reach out to someone, you know, there are so many avenues, there are so many resources out there, and it's never ever worth taking your life. Okay? This is gonna be graphic, but let me tell you, um, I don't resent my friend at all. But he was missing and his daughter couldn't find him. The police pinged him. They found him in his car. He had shot himself. Okay, well what happens after that, do you think? Your car goes to an impound? So his 21-year-old daughter gets a call to come pick up the car three days afterwards, three days after she has lost her father and he has taken his life in this car. So luckily, um. Another very, very, very close childhood friend that, you know, was kind of right there. Felt the same way about this dude that I did. Also, you know, a great friend of mine, uh, him and I, uh, went and got that car so that his daughter would not have to see anything. And I cleaned it. I cleaned it with, uh, with a towel in his trunk and a water bottle that was in his trunk. It was a towel from the car wash. Uh, you know, there was a bullet hole in the seat and it, I had to clean it because I didn't, somebody had to, and I didn't want that to be his daughter. Okay. I thought that William would've done that for me, and I know he would have. And, uh, you know, there's just. Man, you know, you, you, you just think about it and I, I just don't, I don't want anyone to put anybody they care about through stuff like that. You know, don't be, and I'll say it, I love William, but don't be selfish because. I personally, that's how I view suicide. I view it as selfish. I don't think your problems in there. I think your problems are then passed down to everyone you care about and they forever question it and it doesn't heal anything. And while it may feel like an out for you at the time, there are better options. There are resources and life is a struggle. Okay? There are constant struggles in life and in my personal life, there have been, in my professional life, there have been okay. Um, we've, we all go through it. Every single one of us has a story about a struggle and how we got through it or. Some of us may still be struggling. You have to be able to admit it. You have to be okay with it. You're not weak. Don't let your ego trick you. Don't let your mental health fail you. We are all here for a very short period of time, all of us as people, okay? So whatever you're dealing with or whatever is. On you that you feel like you maybe got an unfair shot at stuff. Maybe you are so hurt. The love of your life has left you. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a you're just so overwhelmed as a parent that you cannot figure it out. Hey, I've been in all of those situations. Okay. I've, I've been through a divorce. I've had to tell my daughter that her mother had passed away. I am, I've been through crazy emotional rollercoasters all through my life, just like you. And it's, it's how you get through it, guys. We're all there. Okay? We're all human. We all have feelings. It's not brushing them aside and saying, I'll figure it out later. Process those feelings. Talk to somebody. Go to counseling. I do. I go to counseling. Not afraid to admit it. At all. Um, I'm a better man for it. I'm a better dad. I'm a better parent. Um, parent dad are the same thing, but that's what you get when you're doing a podcast live. Um, better, hopefully husband and friend. I hope, you know, and I just wanna tell everybody, uh, it, it took me getting sober off the booze to really get my mental health where I wanted it. It took me trying several different medications. It took three different counselors. So it's not an easy road, but anyone listening to this is just like me. You have just as much courage. You're just as strong and you can do it. You're amazing at whatever you do. Okay? People, whoever's listening to this, someone needs you. No matter who is listening to this, someone needs you. Okay? Someone and that person is important. So I don't know, it's a crazy anniversary. I'm thinking a lot about Caroline. That's my, my daughter's mother. I'm thinking a lot about William and I miss you both a lot and if I could just give anything advice or, uh, what I've learned maybe. I just wanted to put, put it out there on this podcast. Maybe this is the platform I have, and if one person hears this and says, damn, like I get it, and maybe this clicks with you. Maybe you're so overwhelmed. Maybe you are going through it. Maybe you haven't been able to grieve someone that you lost. Um, I'm here for you if you know me, holler. If you don't reach out to one of your buddies, reach out to your folks. Reach out. If you don't have someone, reach out to a counselor. An 800 number. Um, just keep growing though. Keep evolving. It's not just you, it's, it's all of us. Okay. It's never perfect. Don't have expectations of life being perfect'cause it's not. But it's, but I'm gonna tell you it is damn near. It's amazing. Life is incredible. Don't take it for granted guys, please. Okay, well I know that wasn't a fun one and I know that wasn't a funny one, but look, that's what you get. That's what you're gonna get today. Just real. That's where I'm at, that's what I'm feeling. And, uh, I'm home for lunch for a few minutes on the lunch break, and I just wanted to put this out there while, while I was feeling it, I wanted to put this. Onto, I was gonna say onto paper, but I guess it's onto a microchip or whatever the hell all this does. But, uh, well anyways, guys, please, if you know anybody that may be going through some junk, check in on them. If you know anybody that may have some mental health history that is alarming, check in on them. Tell'em you love them. If you have an ex, if you're raising a kid. And you are in a bad place with that person, maybe a bitter divorce, get over it, please. Because I can't imagine if Caroline, if we would've lost Caroline and I would've been on bad terms or in an argument, it would just make this even harder. Um, I feel very, very comforted. Knowing the last interaction I had with her and that we, uh, we left that interaction laughing and smiling. So just remember guys, horoscopes often lie, I'm Bradley, thanks again. And, uh, I just, I love all you guys, you know what I mean? It's one of those days, a lot of love in the air. So please be there for your people. I'm here for you and, uh. Until the next time, stay cool. Be easy.