Married, Divorced & Beginning Again.

We get real about what happens when marriage becomes a mission to prove something, and how grief, trauma, and identity loss can quietly shape every choice. Coach Kippy Langford shares what it took to stop recycling cycles, choose safety the right way, and begin anew with faith, therapy, and honest boundaries. 
• lacking a model of marriage and carrying pressure to “break the curse” 
• proving love versus knowing yourself before commitment 
• bringing unhealed grief and trauma into marriage 
• faith as a foundation but not a substitute for alignment 
• deciding to leave when staying for the kids backfires 
• beginning anew instead of repeating familiar patterns 
• safety needs and nervous system regulation in relationships 
• accountability friendships that tell the truth with love 
• modeling healthy communication for children 
• generational curses as learned behaviors and generational blessings as changed patterns 
• evaluating your why and seeking counsel when you feel stuck 

You’ll find the link in the show notes and the comments. 
Don’t forget to buy Des a coffee, me a tea, and Coach Kippie a water.

Transcript

When You Know It’s Time

SPEAKER_03 0:00

When God told me to leave and because of my kids, I went back. And I, because of my disobedience, I made it worse on my children because they were healing. Need to be held to know that I'm safe. And I knew that about myself. And so what did I do? I kept on literally running back into the arms of the person that I wanted to leave to because it was safety to me.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

You feel me? That explains a lot. Yes. I think more women need to hear it that way.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

The Bible says that once you're made whole again, once you become new, it says don't return back. It's like a dog returning back to his vomit. Think about that. That's disgusting. Peter said, dude, he's he's gonna pray to the father, but he's strapped. Like Peter, Peter. Like I love you, Peter.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

I love a Peter. I love a Peter.

Welcome And Meet Coach Kippy

SPEAKER_01 0:51

Woman in Black is where we put down the cape and pick up the mic, being authentically who we are, where we are, unmasked, unfiltered, and unapologetic. Alright, guys. Welcome to Woman in Black. We're back again. Today we have a guest, our very first guest, and we're super excited. We have Coach Kippy with us, and I'm going to read her bio because she deserves a great intro. So we have Coach Kippi Langford. She's a servant leader, pastor, social worker, and emotional wellness coach with over 25 years of experience helping women navigate life's transitions. As the founder and CEO of Intentional Transitions LLC, she supports women in moving from grief and trauma toward healing, hope, and purpose. Through coaching, mentorship, and transformational retreats, a woman of deep faith, devoted mother, and proud Gami, Pastor Kippy is passionate about empowering women to reclaim their strength and walk boldly in their purpose. Welcome, Coach Kippy.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

Alrighty. Will you do our quick chat in? Yeah. You go first with the chat.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

What should we ask to Kip? She's our guest. How are you?

SPEAKER_03 2:20

I'm doing well. I am super excited to be here and um ready for this conversation because I know you have something for us. So I'm ready, y'all. I'm ready. I prophesied.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

And how are you?

SPEAKER_03 2:33

I'm good.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

I'm excited. This is our first guest. Like legit first guest. I'm honored. I'm honored. So we're gonna jump right in.

unknown 2:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Um, Aunt Kip, she's my Aunt Kip, my mentor, my go-to. Like, we are here. I have cried with her. She has cried with me. Um, like I used to say, um, and then we'll get right into it. The things that you've been through helped me because right like while she was going through it, it seemed like I was navigating through the same exact things. So she like, I'm getting chills. Yeah, it was like, yeah, you remember I went through this, and now you're going through this, and it was just like right on time. So God placed her in my life um in like 2017. Yes, ma'am. On on time, right on time right on time. Everybody, right on time, and I appreciate her, and let's get into it. All right, let's get into it. So we are gonna, those that know Ann Kip, those that don't know, she's been married before, she's been divorced, and now she's beginning again. So we are going to jump into it. I'm gonna ask you questions. Okay. You tell me if my question is too much, but you trust me. So I don't know unless. So we're just gonna piggyback. Des me, Des. Okay. Okay.

Marriage Expectations And Proving Love

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Sure. So the first question I have for you is when you first got married, um, what did you believe marriage was going to be for you?

SPEAKER_03 4:09

That's an awesome question. I think when I first got married, I didn't have an example of what it looked like. I always wanted to be the one that got married and my marriage lasted, right? Don't get me wrong, my grandmother was married, but then she got divorced, and she was divorced raising eight children, right? And so no one else in my family, that's not true. My uncle, um, Norman, he got married, but he was a military man. So we didn't, I didn't get to see really the dynamics of how that was. And to be truthfully honest, his children came and lived with my grandmom. So my grandmother raised me, she raised my sister, all my siblings, but like her grandchildren came to live with her for uh, you know, as a spout. And so she was the person that she was with for a long time, um, my papa, they were never married. And so I always knew that when I got married, I wanted to break generational curses, right? I knew that I wanted to be, and mind you, I married a minister. So I knew that I wanted to do something that was that I didn't have an example of what was done in my household, right? So, with that being said, there was a lot of pressure because it's like, oh, here she goes, getting married. Oh, she didn't give that them children her last name, like all that, you know, all those old wise tales that we heard, right? So when I got married, I think it was kind of like I wanted to prove something if I could be honest. I wanted to prove that love really could last, and I was the first one that was going to do it. And I think I did a lot of it in my own strength. Yeah. Yeah. Well let me do it.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

No, that was good. That was a good question. When you said that, you mentioned feeling like you had to prove something. I think there's a lot of women who might feel that way and who could identify with that. Um what would you tell them now about that proving something? Where does it get you? Does it work? Does it like what does that mean? If they're trying to prove something in their marriage, is there another way they should look at it? Or yeah, just speak to that.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

You know, I think when you try to prove something, it's a continual. So if you prove this and it has to keep on going, right? And then I gotta continue. And I think it it deals with like disingenuousness, like you can't be your original self, right? You can't be genuine, um, because it's almost kind of like it's you have to be something, right? And what that something is, you're you're chasing it. And so I I learned. So what I can say is really understand who you are and what you bring prior to you even. And if that takes going through marriage counseling, if that takes going through individual counseling, mind you, I'm a grief and trauma um director. If that takes, because what I found is I I had a lot of stuff, and so did he. We brought a lot of things into the marriage, right? Because we weren't, we we didn't heal, and so we didn't know what that looked like. And so I think what me proving was I I knew I loved this man. I knew that I wanted to be with him, I knew that I felt safe with him. Um, but I don't I don't know if if I can be honest, I don't know if we were really um aligned in in a way that I believe God. I think it was kind of like you're saved, I'm saved, we can love Christ and we can raise a family. And I think it takes more than that. And I don't believe that we were taught that, you know, if I can speak on both of our parts, I don't think we were taught that it takes more than you saying you love Jesus and speaking in tongues if you do or you don't. Um I don't think that's gonna keep you saved. I don't think that's gonna keep you married. Um, and and so I had to learn that, and I had to learn also that chasing something was because I didn't know who I was, and so I wanted to constant constantly like find or this image of who Kippy was, right? And um, I didn't find out who she was until I got divorced, to be honest.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Yeah. Wow. Well, you just took like two questions from me. I was gonna ask you who were you in that season? But you just said you you honestly she didn't know. Yeah, she didn't know who she was. So next, uh I know we talked about you know being saved, you're with each other because you're saved, but who was God to you in that season?

Faith Growth And Identity Loss

SPEAKER_02 8:39

Was he the same God he is now, or has your real relationship elevated from then to now?

SPEAKER_03 8:45

Girl, I know that as I'm learning, I'm learning something about God. And I think when I was younger, you know, when we get saved, you know, we are very ambitious. We're gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I'm sister so-and-so, and I'm here to save the, you know, you know, and I think sometimes we take on that Jesus syndrome, right? That like I can save you, right? And it's only by grace that I'm saved. How can I save you if I can't save myself, right? But we want to. And so what I found out, and what I again, I think there was a yearning and a desire, even when I was married, to know who Kippy was, because I felt after I got married, or when I was going through the transition of being divorced, one of the things that I constantly would tell people and tell myself was that I don't like I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Like I can't be myself. Like I I felt like, you know, you're you're a minister's wife. There's a certain way that you have to look, you know, and I'm looking at this person like one more time, right? And I'm in church, like, and I'm not a clicky person. Josh will tell you, like, I don't, I'm not a gossip, I don't like that. I'm not a gossiper, I don't do that type of stuff. Not that I'm perfect and not that I've never done it, but I'm not gonna be one that's gonna be usually sitting around talking about people. Right. If we're not talking about business or how we can esteem each other, we listen. Um, and so I found myself not knowing myself, knowing that I was Kippy the pastor's wife, no, or the minister's wife, knowing that I was Kippy the mom, right? I was Kippy the daughter, the you know, the cousin and all that. But I didn't know who Kippy, who Kippy, the true person that God made me to be. Um, and I, you know, was in it kind of like I'm doing it, but I always desired more to do more, and I was at such a um a place of almost kind of like regret. I was regretting certain things because I was extremely limited, and so I thought I I loved God and I know that what I'm finding is that all things work together for your good. And even when I was in that, I was trusting God, but I didn't know that just like healing, just like um deliverance, just like um sanctification, you know, my old pastor with whom I love, um, Dr. Darius Daniels, he talked about there's a like sanctification is progressive, right? And we don't think about that. When we get saved, it's a progressive work. He would have begun a good workshop, continue, right? So it's a growth, right? And so when I was married, and I thought that was what it was, like God, but I didn't realize that you grow. God remains the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. But Kippy had to grow, and and not growing, I had to heal. I I brought a bunch of trauma with me into my marriage. I brought a bunch of grief with me into my marriage. I brought a bunch of unworthiness or feeling unworthy and you know, rejection and all those things I brought in with my marriage. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't speak for my ex-husband. That wouldn't be unfair. He brought some things too, but I can only speak for me. You understand what I'm saying? Um, and even with us being divorced, I come from a place of respect for him still. He's still the father of my children, he's still the grandfather of my grandchildren, you understand? So there had to come a point where um we can co-parent and co-grandparent um together, you know what I'm saying? But speaking about Kippy, I had to realize that who I was trusting and who I didn't know, he didn't change. I was just at a place of where I thought I was mature. I was there was a level of immaturity um that dealt with like that was wrapped in grief and trauma. And so there was a whole lot of healing that needed to take place for me to be able to say, This is who Kippy is, right? If you asked me then, I would be like, Oh, Kippy was, you know, you know, all of the the attributes of mom and this and that. Now I'm like, Kippy, she's just dope. Like, this is you know, Kippy, I'm this is me. I'm I'm God's child, you know. I'm one of full of hope and you know who happens to be a mother, who happens to be, but the essence of Kippy is who God's created me to be, fearfully and wonderfully made. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

That's powerful because I know for me and my marriage. Um, I've been with my husband almost nine years now. Um we I we came into the marriage with different levels of self-awareness. Um, I was I was very clearly the person who enjoyed their 20s, and I was just I lived my life. Okay. That's the best way to explain it. I mean God first all the time, but I lived my life. And so coming into the marriage, like, and Josh and us, we have this conversation a lot. I didn't have the type of relationships that my husband had. He was more of a relationship person. Okay. Um, he came into this marriage with a lot of expectations. Okay. I had zero. My expectations were very low. Um, I had standards, but my expectation was different because it may be also because my parents being married for as long as they were married, um, nearly 30 years, they were very clear with me that it takes more than love to sustain a marriage. But we don't see that a lot in media. We don't hear that a lot. Um, I've seen my mom stick by my dad through things that I didn't know if I would have been able to stick through. And she she always was very clear with us though, like we all have different thresholds. Right, you know, so what worked for me might not work for you. I'm never gonna tell you to stay anywhere where you don't feel like Desiree is still, you know, growing or becoming, you know? And so that just it just really resonated with me, the things that you said. And I believe I believe in marriage counseling, I believe in premarital counseling. Because some things we don't realize about ourselves until it's challenged, until we're triggered, until the trauma has met something that makes us realize we even have the trauma. And so that's where me and my husband, we intentionally did the premarital counseling, but also once we realized we were triggering each other in areas we didn't even know existed, like to be triggered, we were like, we can't do this without God, we can't do this without a godly um counsel. Like we just couldn't. And so it really required us being honest with one another, being self-aware that I am doing something that is truly upsetting this man. Right. And I don't even know what it is. He is doing something that is poking with like you're scratching the bottom of my foot. Like I don't like it. So I just think it's important those things that you said, but sometimes I feel like we don't fully even understand who we are until we're in such an intimate relationship where things are being exposed. And it's like I have to do the work because I realize, and God told me this is my husband that I have to do the work. I want to I want to be a butt, a better mom, I want to be a better wife, I want to be a better desire. How do I do the work? And it's a level of commitment that is beyond I think even most people expect. Correct. So when you say that, I'm just like, whoo, yeah, yup. Were you a um, did you get married young or I did, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:42

So I was right out of college. Like I literally graduated college in May, was married in September and pregnant in October. So it was boom, boom, boom. Now, he was my high school sweetheart. So how that happened was, and we grew up, so we grew up like almost kind of like sibling. Like we grew up real, real close, you know, and then broke up and then, you know, got back together. Um, and looking, you know, hindsight, right? Looking at it, um, we did a lot of um trauma bonding because we knew each other. We went through a lot of trauma together, you know, young, like to the point where like when we did get a divorce, I'm like, family, he's I'm your family, like, but they were so used, you know, and I had to be like, come on now, he's been in your life since he was 15 years old, 16 years old. That's family to him, and vice versa, right? So I had to learn how to share, even though I didn't know, you know, but that's family, like if you like being real and being honest with her, like we were together for a long time. And although we um, you know, we broke up in um that was an old rap song, broke up back together. Anyway, well, when we were younger, like even um, you know, when we broke up for cotton, like when I went to school, and then you know, you got other people saying things, you know, you how you was raised. I was raised by a very independent black grandmother, right? Who, you know, scared me more than Jesus, right? So there's certain things I just wasn't gonna do, right? Not around her to and pray the Lord that please don't let my grandmom find out. Ain't that something I was praying to God like that? She wouldn't find out. Anyway, um, but I was like, you know, I don't want her to find out. Um, but we were together for a lot. We had a lot of trauma, even together. When my little sister um and my, you know, I had a traumatic experience. My first day of college, my um little sister and cousin were murdered, and my ex-husband was one of the first people that look because he was like this with my little sister, and um, he was the first person that like was around on this like the scene. He just happened to be there, and then as soon as I got home, he was the first, we weren't even together, he was just there. So we grew up together. You you feel me? We grew up together, but to a point we stopped growing together. Does that make sense? Yeah, we grew up together, but then we stopped growing together, and so dang, hindsight is I'm come on, I'm talking to myself now. Like that sounds really good. Um but like we did, we we grew up and then you know, we didn't grow, you know, and I think that really kind of is what it is because that love was puppy love or premature, right? Or even in like the rawless state of it, it was still very um vulnerable. Expectations were extremely important, like you said, and we did, we had the marriage counseling, like we had, and I'm like, Lord, you sure? Because let me hear from you because when I move, when you move, I move just like that.

Sponsor Break And Quick Reset

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Um hey, it's Des here. Before we continue, if you're a woman who does it all, sports mom, dance mom, beach girl, healthcare worker, someone whose life doesn't fit into one lane, you need a bag that can keep up. This episode is in affiliation with Bog Bag. It's durable, waterproof, modular, and fully customizable. Whether you're headed to the stadium, the beach, or straight into a long day, it holds your lifestyle together without you having to think about it. You'll find the link in the show notes and the comments. Now let's get back to the conversation.

SPEAKER_03 20:22

But I heard him, I know I heard him. Um, but again, I think sometimes we get in our own way.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 20:30

And because of that, you know, um, we ended up divorcing. And so I say, like, I'm grateful for the growth, and I'm grateful for the experience, and I'm grateful that I'm here to tell the story. Yeah. And that there's so much more. Like, my ladder is gonna be so much. Like, I learned a lot. I learned a lot, I'm ready for my boo. I'm ready, I'm ready for you. You heard her.

SPEAKER_02 20:56

She's ready, okay? She's ready for you. I've been putting in the work. I'm ready. She's ready. She is ready. I'm ready. So, with that being said, um, do you feel like, because we just had a discussion about this? I know you said you like heard God speaking to you, right?

Leaving Versus Staying For Kids

SPEAKER_02 21:14

Um, and I haven't been married, but you know, like for a long time I would tell you, like, no, I stayed because my kids. So do you think it was more of I'm gonna stay longer than I should because my kids? Or do you think it was like God saying, stay put?

SPEAKER_03 21:31

Nope. Because I heard him tell me to leave and I went back. I'll never forget the day. I remember when God told me to leave, and because of my kids, I went back. And I, because of my disobedience, I made it worse on my children because they were healing. They were getting used to mommy and daddy being a certain way, which was separate, separated, and then coming back and then doing it again. Because my heart wasn't in it and I didn't trust. Um, trust was gone, right? And so I couldn't reverence that person the same way. I couldn't, I as much as I tried to respect, there was a level of trust. My heart wouldn't allow me to um feel safe. And women, we need to feel safe. Yeah, we need security, we need safety, yes. Um, uh and we just need that. That's something that we need, and so I think because of my disobedience at the time and fear of the unknown, and how could I, mind you, I was doing it. But perception is so much different than what you know, what we really are doing. And so, in my mind, in my mind, in my mind, I was telling myself I couldn't do it, and all the while I was really, you know, taking them steps, but I backtracked, I did something that I knew when it was time. I think God always provides a way of escape when it's time, if you listen. And for me, I didn't listen, knowing in my heart, my heart wasn't right, it was too damaged. And so, but for the sake of the children, I tried to make it right, and I ended up making it worse.

SPEAKER_02 23:13

And we do that, we do that as women. We do. Um, I was just telling you how I had a conversation with duty, and at this time I was like, You want me and your dad to live together again? And he was like, No. And he was about 11 or 12, and he's just like, no. Yeah, and me thinking in my mind, because I grew up with my mom and dad, like this is how it's supposed to go, and I really was causing more trauma on them.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

Yes, I know I was. I remember mom saying that. She's like, No, that mommy, I'm I'm absolutely okay with you and daddy not be together.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

Like, like, dang, girl. But it took her a while, but when she said it, I was like, that's my girl.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

I wonder what the threshold is, because I definitely told my mom. She definitely was looking at me like, if you don't go to dad, I'm trying to figure out the threshold. Like, and they, I mean, I guess we just gotta leave it to God. I used to play mom, cuz he gets on my nerves too. He didn't go nowhere, he still was there. So I don't even know. We we all got our trauma regardless. Okay, so I have a question around beginning again.

Beginning Anew Without Repeating Cycles

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Okay. What does beginning again look like? Girl, it is so sweet.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

So if I can change it a little bit, because Josh did give me that topic. And as I was trying to get my thoughts around what beginning again looks like, um, the Lord told me, You're not beginning again, you're beginning anew.

unknown 24:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

And so I think sometimes when we begin again, we take with those same habits and those same things and behaviors with us, and we find ourselves cyclical, like going in a cycle as opposed to um moving forward and going progressively going forward. I did a lot of work, y'all. I had to put in the work. I did a lot of healing work. I did a lot of, you know, even with my business, you know, I found myself at a point where it was kind of like, God, what is this? How did I land here? Me. You know, people know me. And that my biggest thing was because I always wanted a good reputation, not for someone to pat me on the back, but for someone to see that my work is good, right? Now I don't need to act like I can be behind a, you know, I can't because she won't let me. Um, but I've been trying to be in the back. Like, I don't listen, I'm a team, I'm a team player. You go on out, you do it, I'm a definitely giving you everything. Definitely a team everything. But I'm a leader and I can't get I can't get around it, right? And so um what I had to learn was I was recycling situations, thinking that they were new starts. And they weren't because it was the same thing dressed up in a different body, or the same thing dressed up in a different situation, but it was the same thing because there was some healing, there were places that I was triggered that I didn't allow myself to deal and heal. Shameless plug for my new book. Um but I didn't allow myself to deal and heal, and so my grandmother and her wisdom, um, that's probably one of the reasons I'm telling you, I feel feared her more than I feared God, but she was such a wise woman, and so she would say things like, you know, you move too fast, just sit with yourself. And one of my chapters in my book is called sitting with yourself. Because how many of us know? And it's called trauma reaction or just like we move, like we stay busy, right? And so I was staying busy, I was at this and I was that. That's why I don't really deal with accolades. Like they're good, but at the end of the day, if it's gonna distract me from being who Kippy was intended to be, you can miss me with it. I don't need it, right? What who does, you know? Jesus was talking to, I mean the preacher, but you know it's a nice but Jesus was talking to his disciples at one time, and he was like, you know, uh who do people say that I am? And they were like, you know, some people say you him. And I always paraphrase this is how I do minister too. But like some people say you do, some people say that you know, you know, you know, they said you like God from down on. And then Jesus said to his disciples, Well, who do you say that I am? Right, and so I had to get away from and Peter. My husband's gonna be like Peter. I don't know why I'm talking about this, y'all, but my husband's gonna be like Peter because I need him to be a little bit rugged, like edgy a little bit, because Peter had revelatory knowledge, but Peter was no punk, right? Peter's cutting off ears, he's cutting like people out, Jesus' rebuking him. But I like Peter because Peter makes me feel real safe. Peter making like I'm gonna I can take off this suit and put on some butters or some, you know, like some structs, and like I can still be like, I love Peter. And Peter finally got it together. He became a great apostle. He was like one of Jesus' three, like he was like the inner circle in the circle. So I'm looking for Peter. I needed that because I need a Peter. I need a Peter. You know, I need a Peter. Peter, what are you? I got a Peter. I'm telling you, you you need that Peter. We need women like us, we need Peter. I had the revelation last at my um at my thing. Uh what did I have last weekend? My Galantines at a vision board. And I'm talking to them, and I'm like, yo, ladies, did and then I was like, you know, because Peter, Peter's that, and then I was like, yo, I love Peter. Like I was like, Peter's my boo. I said I was like, Peter's my boo. Like I'm in love with Peter. I thought it was because of my personality, but no, it was Peter. I look for safety, look for that person that's gonna be able to protect me. You understand what I'm saying? I need to be able to feel safe wherever I am. Yep. Peter's that dude, he's he's gonna pray to the father, but he's strapped, like Peter, Peter, like I love Peter, Peter, I love a Peter.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

I love a Peter. This reminds me of Perk 30, right? No, it did not. No, that's a Peter though, but not saved and sanctified. That's a Peter, he just don't have God leading him in his direction, but that strength and that safety and that protection, that's my Peter. But I need him to insert God into all of this, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Because what girl, what yeah, talk about trauma bombs.

SPEAKER_03 29:31

That's what that's and we've done that, and so that's what it was. That was me cycling because and although he wasn't like that person, there was something about him that was familiar.

SPEAKER_01 29:45

The protection, the safety, because that some to be honest, if we just talking about physiology, women want and need that for several different reasons.

SPEAKER_03 29:55

Absolutely, especially if you come from a place of abuse, especially of childhood, you know, and trauma, we need to feel safe. And so, you know, yeah, I need that prayer part, but I do, and that's what I was missing, you know. And so I, you know, this disco round is like I'm a new, I've changed, and I didn't know I changed until you don't really know you changed until you're put in a situation that doesn't like that. You be like, oh, you try and play me clothes, like there's no way, like you know what I'm saying? Like, now I'm like before I used to be like, Josh, I broke up with him for the 5th, 11th time. I'm having her read my letters, like, girl, I said destiny. She's like, Oh my gosh, you said I'm like, yeah. She's like, How you doing? I was like, I'm back with that joker, right? But I'm like, because I didn't allow myself to become anew, I didn't sit with myself and say, Why do you keep on returning back? You know, the Bible says that once you're made whole again, once you become new, it says, Don't return back. It's like a dog returning back to his vomit. Think about that. That's disgusting. But we put ourselves into situations, we go back to degrading, disgusting habits or ways or situations or relationships situationships, and they're not benefiting us. And we we wonder why we're stuck, you know, in this way. And it's like, God, you know what? If I had to, so I did, I did the work.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

I'm like, and it's not easy, it's not like people, and sometimes we feel we're healed before that test comes, and it's like then you've realized I was healed.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Didn't I say 511 times?

SPEAKER_03 31:37

I was like, God, why did this why did this why is it taking me so long? But again, I had to really examine and see like why was I even there in the first place? And that's the kind of sitting with yourself that you have to do. That's the kind of, you know, like I said, when I 20-something-year-old Kippy, when I thought I was grown, you know, it's that progressive with God. God never changes. We have to change, you know. I could no longer drink, you know, milk. I had to, you know, go to like stages of baby food, right? Until I'm ready to chew on something, right? Now I'm chewing and I'm like, you know, but you ain't gonna give me no like chicken

The Need For Safety And Protection

SPEAKER_03 32:12

when I deserve glitter chops. Like, stop playing yourself short, Kippy.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Like Longhorn has great.

SPEAKER_05 32:21

Yes, ma'am. I do. I know what y'all be doing. Limited time.

SPEAKER_03 32:31

Yes, but we do, we play ourselves short sometime, and we find ourselves being going back into like repeated cycles, and we're like, how do we get there? Because we never dealt with it, and so dealing with it is uncomfortable, you know. You find it, listen, I find myself like I'm like, oof, I just need to hug my thing because I know my love languages are, and I know what makes me safe, and I know what regulates me, right? Right, especially my nervous system, and I know for me it's a good prayer, it's a good, you know, crying out to God, but it's physical touch. I need to be held to know that I'm safe. And I knew that about myself. And so, what did I do? I kept on literally running back into the arms of the person that I wanted to leave to because it was safety to me.

SPEAKER_04 33:17

You feel me?

SPEAKER_01 33:18

That explains a lot. Yes, I think more women need to hear it that way because I'm not a physical touch person, mine was like zero. It didn't happen till I tried kids, right? I ain't even a rub back person. I'm like run the other way, like I had to stop myself from ending stuff prematurely. Like you know, like we all got our thing. And so when you said that though, it to me it clarified a lot of the conversations that I have with women who run back to comfort, correct? And who are more physical touch and who want that hug, that hold, that need that, and that familiarity and that nervous system regulation even with all the drama that's going on, it just feels like that one part is a safety net for me. And I I just never looked at it like that.

SPEAKER_02 34:09

Josh will tell you, we have conversations, I'll be like, I thank you, I thank you for bringing it down like that.

SPEAKER_01 34:24

I be like, no, and I don't want to hear about him no more, so come on. And but you know, I do feel like God in this season, God has given me more grace, you know what I'm saying? And I'm learning myself too as a friend. Like I'm learning myself. I do feel like God put me in the life with me. Because we have different strengths, right? And Josh has a very strong personality. And then when she said I got a strong personality, I'm like, but my personality ain't no stronger than yours. She was like, but you you do. And so I'm realizing that we need each other's strengths sometimes, right? And it's like she even even in a moment when you don't want to accept it, and in a moment when I don't want to accept it, we come, we call each other back, and it's like, all right, well, let me try to hear this out different. I love that though.

SPEAKER_03 35:18

I love that though, because that's real. Because I don't want nobody to be with a yes and amen friend like all the time. I need someone that's gonna be able to love me to write. You understand what I'm saying? Love me to write. And if that love is like you bugging, bugging, like I'm gonna need you to understand. I gotta understand perfect example. My best friend, um, Angie, and there was another woman that I was, you know, in a room with three of us who were talking, and she had the nerve, not Angie, not my best friend. I was about to say nothing. But this girl had, I'm not gonna say her name, I know, because you know Angie's our baby. But this woman had the nerve to be like, said something to me, and it triggered me to the point where, like, and because I was like, okay, pot, calling a kettle black. All right, pot. Like, you calling me kettle, but you definitely pot, right? So I'm like, you know, she said something. I think she had the nerve, the audacity. She had the audacity to tell me that I was acting bougie. Now I said to her, what I said in my mind, what I said in my mind was girl, I said a whole lot of things that were really unethical in my mind, right? Right. It didn't come out. This was a long time ago. I was thinking I think I was still married at this time. And but I remember turning, I was like, you know, I I think my whole facial

Nervous System Truth About Going Back

SPEAKER_03 36:38

like expression changed. I was like, How dare you? So I turned to my best friend to be like, Angie, I sissy. Like she said, do you can you hear her? And she said, girl, she said, Yeah, sometimes she works in my whole heart. I was like, like I I I can still feel it now because that was my sister, and she checked me and I loved her for that. And I and I turned to that young lady and I was like, I'm sorry, I apologize for being that way, but it I needed someone who I trusted to validate it to validate it, even though it was a little bit harsh for me to handle. I I respected the way I I I trusted her, and so because I trusted her, I could take her word and I could allow it to penetrate and be like, all right, so continue to you know to keep each other accountable. She did that. I was like, because it wasn't a matter about of whether or not the old girl was bougie, because she was, but the fact that I was, right, and I was acting a certain way, and my best friend had to check me, like that meant something to me. And so I had to deal with that and be like, okay, Kippy, check yourself because you never want to, I never want to be in a position where my name is not associated with something good, right? Not more than good, but associated with something God. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 38:01

Yeah, we got off a little bit, but it's okay because we're in the girls' room. Yeah, and that's what we do. We're on the couch. But um, to go back to where we were. Uh, do you plan on remarrying? Yes, Peter. Peter needs a couple. Who are you? They say his name's gonna be Peter. We're hocked out, Peter.

SPEAKER_03 38:20

And we need you that same way study, like go because all at the end, you know, Peter was still that dude. But um, oh my gosh, it's amazing. But I do, and you know what, Josh? Because I'm ready now. You know, I'm ready. I again I had to really deal with healing and understand. I think sometimes we think like healing and like deliverance is just God delivered me, ooh, I'm done. God heal me, ooh, I'm done. It's just like anything. Like in at the job, when you hear about progressive discipline, it's like a step by step. By okay, you did this, I talked to you, you did this, and it's gonna keep on going up until eventually you're gonna get fired, right? But that's how God does it, not fire us, but that's how we become anew. That's how we break cycles, that's how we we get our healing. It's a step by step. It's like, okay, deliverance is like, oh, God delivered me that I'm good. No, you gotta work on yourself, you know, work on your own um soul salvation with fear and trembling unto the Lord, right? And so it's a it's a it's such a personal thing that I have to know that I gotta work on some things because I desire. Like I would be like, God, I'm I'm ready, I'm ready to be married. And then I'm like, are you really? Yeah, as you run back to the arms of some of the you understand what I'm saying? Are you really as you continue to do behaviors that show that are contradicting what your words are saying, right? And so I didn't see it until I saw some behaviors in my daughter that hurt me. And it reminded me of me in a way of young Kippy. And I was I found myself in a in a way that we were just confrontational. And I'm like, I'm not, I'm your mom. First of all, I'm not gonna fight with you gonna listen. But at the same time, she's a young adult, and so I can't be like, go to your room, you know. She's helping to pay some of the bills with the mom's can't do that. Like, right.

SPEAKER_05 40:14

My internet, you know, listen.

SPEAKER_03 40:16

But I'm like, all right, you can't go to your room. But I had to like, and so I um I really did something. I and I love praying anyway, but I really became extremely intentional about my prayer. And I mean, like, have my own prayer closet and everything, girl. And um, to the point now, Major comes in the room and doesn't even, especially if it's in the morning, she'll go into like my closet. And like one time I wasn't there, she opened the door, she's like, and I was like, Okay, I'm here. She's like, Oh my goodness, I thought you were, you know, in your closet. And I say that to say, because when I was in there and I was praying for my daughter, I'm like, we're we were just constantly, you know, she's behaviors that I

Accountability Friends And Modeling Change

SPEAKER_03 40:54

didn't agree upon, and I'm like, why? And then the Lord was like, Oh, but how did you model for her? What are you, how are you modeling? And then I was like, and it was such a breaking, and he had to and he said to me, model well. And so every time I went to say, or when she wanted, because it was such a like a debate, and I'm like, and I had to tell her, I'm not, it's not up for debate. When we speak, if it's not about resolution and how we can make this thing better for the both of us, then we have nothing to talk about. But my job, and so I had to find myself teaching myself how to communicate effectively with my daughter and how to not only communicate, but how I'm gonna live my life, and how am I gonna allow to be around me? And um, what behaviors am I showing her? And if this is something that I don't want to see in her, what am I doing and how am I allowing that? How am I modeling that in me, right? And so I had to learn how to model. I had to really, you know, sit, I had to, you know, of course, pray. Some things only come out by prayer and fasting, you know, but I had to really get around people, I had to seek counsel, you know, Jesus and therapy, right? I had to deal with um, you know, normal grief and trauma, you know, direct. I I do this stuff for a living, but I had to make it applicable to my life, right? Um, because I never want to say something, and I think that's so absolutely ridiculous when people say, do as I say, not as I do as I say, right? Not as I do, which is so contradictory, like to keep because we learn from behavior, seeing other people do things, and so we model that, right? So we model all the time. It's just I needed to model well, and so I had to really deal and heal, you know. I really had to. I'm working on that book um now, but I was hoping that's not done yet, but I am um in the process, I'll be done. I go for my last draft um tomorrow. I work with my publicist tomorrow. My book intentionally, dot dot dot, um, is a devotional journal for women um dealing with grief and trauma. It'll be out. I think my my date, my release date is April 11th, 2026. So I'll be an author as well. And um, but it had because it I had to deal with some things, and so I know I'm ready because again, those things that used to trigger me. Oh boy can call me and be like, oh, am I gonna take it and am I not? Nope, I'm not gonna take it, I'll block you. Like, there's certain things that I had to do, and not even in a mean way, but in a way that there's certain things, no, don't slide up in my DM because that's not what I want in a man. You understand what I'm saying? Get to know me because I know who I am, and I had to know who my worth was, and I love me. And so people will only treat me the way that I allow them to treat me.

SPEAKER_00 43:50

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03 43:50

And so I had to learn how to treat myself well.

SPEAKER_02 43:53

Yeah. And you said something. I did this a few years ago, you know, I was going through stuff with JJ. Um And I used to always tell him, stop reacting off of emotion. And then something happened, and I realized I was reacting off of emotion. So from that point on, I was like, Nope, you gotta model exactly what you're telling them. You have to model that. Now, sometimes do I fall short? Yeah. Depending on the time of the month, I might just fall short. Correct. But for the most part, whatever I practice with my kids, I preach it because they're watching. They're watching.

SPEAKER_03 44:27

It's so true. They're watching us. Yeah. And even listen, even my grandbabies are watching. So it's generational. That's why I tell people when we talk about generational curses, we make it so mystifying, like magical. No. No. Generational curses are behaviors. Right? You hear what I'm saying? Yeah. General, for the most part, generational curses are things that have been taught systemically through slavery, whatever it may come be, like you know that person's mean, and that person, you know, they hind them. They just come from a mean, a mean person. A lot of it is just what they exposure. Yes. Where do you think prejudice and racism? All that comes from, right? It's the modeling of people. And so just as much I don't talk about generational curses. Um, if I'm not gonna talk about generational blessings, because that's what I'm in for. Like that's what I'm doing. I'm um seeding things, I'm changing behaviors so that that can continue to flow in my bloodline and in my legacy. I know that's right.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 45:24

Um I know we're kind of up on time, so I have one closing question. Uh, so the question I have for you what would you tell a married woman silently struggling between staying or leaving?

SPEAKER_03 45:42

Ooh. I would really tell her to evaluate her

Remarriage Readiness And Breaking Patterns

SPEAKER_03 45:47

why. Um, I would say not only to evaluate her why, because we just there's pros and cons to everything, and there's no perfect marriage. Um, even the marriage between Christ and the church, you know, we still get together, the bride, we still get it together. Jesus was good to us, right? And so I would really say examine like your why, your vows. It goes so much deeper. Like, why did you fall in love with this person? Why did you feel and not only love, why do you believe that you two align, right? Um what has changed and is that can that be fixed? You know, and if it can, you know, how can it? Are you seeking counsel? Are you dealing with, you know, effective communication and listening skills? Like, are you putting in, is it something, you know, checking yourself if it is it something that you're doing, right? Are you growing together and not growing apart, right? Because I think sometimes it can be like a little, you know, not a race, but sometimes this person can go in a little bit more and then some, you know, but is it is it balance? Is there a balance with it? Or is it just like you're already up, you're up here and that person's down here? Like, what is it, you know? Um, and then really kind of dealing with them to say, like, oh is there anything that you're struggling with? Like, is there anything like from past that is a part of it, right? Because I think we don't get the cheat code for like how to marry like a perfect marriage, just not one anyway, but we don't really get the cheat code for it, right? We see things and we saw things and we're like, I will never, I'll never do that, right? I'm never gonna, but we don't have it. And so I would say if it's worth like if you believe in, you know, this is what God, you know, has put together, and put in that work and make sure, you know, that your partner's putting in that work and come to, and if you can't agree to, you know, go to somebody who can help you, you know, seek godly counsel, counsel, and wisdom, you know, to be able to do it. Now, if there's abuse and stuff like that, now look, I'm not advocating for that. You know, no person, whether be female or male, deserves to be emotionally or physically, you know, sexually abused, none of that, right? And so, but if if there is hope, that's like my favorite word, I believe that's would be my name, God's name for me is hope, right? Um, but if there is hope, if you still have hope um in this marriage, you know, seek God, come together, seek godly counsel, do the work individually and collectively. See, I love love. I'm still gonna get married. I believe in it.

SPEAKER_02 48:27

I believe in it. I love that's all right. So I'm gonna leave you guys with my Peter is on the way. That's what I want. I want me a Peter guy, not a regular Peter, I need a biblical Peter. Yes, okay. Peter's coming. Listen, I'm gonna write a book. I'm gonna do something on that. I'm about to start saying this. Yeah, Peter.

SPEAKER_01 48:47

I think that's a good one.

SPEAKER_02 48:49

Yes, I love it. Yeah.

Advice For Women Quietly Struggling

SPEAKER_01 48:52

First of all, I is it's a part of what you said that we didn't kind of dive into, but that's been really real in my life, and it is like just um slowing down. Like, I in this season of my life, God has been dealing with me with this for a long time. And um, and it came up in my marriage too, because I'm always like, I'm always ready. I'm always ready. Like, what's next? What's next? What's next? Like, it can't sit down. Sometimes it's overcompensation that you don't realize, or you know, just getting in a finding a routine of being a high performer. Um, but I my desire is to show up for my family. My desire is to really be the best wife I can be, the best mom. Like, I love being a mom. And so God put me in a position where he really had to sit me down and like slow my mind and really just like remember my purpose and remember why he gave me what he gave me outside of my marriage, you know. I was all, and Josh is a witness to this, but I always like, you know, marriage is a ministry, which it is, and um, I'm gonna do this and we're gonna do this and dump. And my husband is so God was boiling, like, sit down, like let's enjoy, like, can we enjoy this marriage? Like, can we, like you always try to do something, just sit down. And I wasn't getting it. And but recently in coming weeks, like God really, my husband was growing, but I didn't, he wasn't growing in a direction I thought he should be. Or not as fast as she wanted. Yeah, but I I would say that right, but I think it's more direction. But when this what I prayed for, God sent it. I'm waking up, he praying for me. I said, look at you hands on me. Like, what you you praying for me? Like, I think sometimes we think people not growing. Right. And granted, I knew he was growing, but how you pictured the growth. Yeah, my husband's very intentional. If he ain't ready for something, if he not ready, ain't no more than him. He's like, I gotta get this right. Like, God, I got a relationship with God too. You're not gonna tell me if God didn't tell me that I'm not doing it. Like Peter, and that's really Peter done Peter. He he not responded in it. So we gonna have to do it because he lit up and judge me with me, but you're like, okay, yeah, sometimes it did.

SPEAKER_02 51:33

Sometimes I gotta bring her back.

SPEAKER_01 51:35

No, so I this conversation just solidified a lot for me. Um, because it's just confirmation, you know. And I I I love my husband. He's great, he's he's a Peter. He he's a Peter. And sometimes you need these reminders, like, and I guess it's just my personality type. I'm always ready, like shit.

SPEAKER_02 52:04

Yeah, because I don't want no Jonah. Wasn't he the one in the mouth of the uh of the whale? Yeah, don't sit in the mouth of the well, get killed the whale. That's Peter. Where are you at? Get your butt out that well.

SPEAKER_05 52:17

Yeah, sorry, guys.

SPEAKER_01 52:19

This was good. This was good. Any last words from you? I'm just grateful. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_03 52:26

Thank you. I'm grateful. Um, I think that's just more my attitude has been um to even just be able to come and sit. I'm so proud of you. Um just to see where she's growing. And um, you know, she's my she's my dog. Like we we we rock and roll. We, you know, we come together and not even know it. Like we at the same job, not even know we had the same. We do one job. And then go to another job, not even knowing we had the same job. She's like, I can't be it's that she on an email. I mean, isn't she cute? I'm like, Josh, she's that cute. Um but I'm grateful that God has always placed, and she's such a wise, you're such a wise woman. She, you know, she hangs around with the older women. Um but she always, you know, she's such a wise um woman. So I'm just excited for um both of you, and I'm excited for women for us done today. And it's you know what, it's intentional because today is National Women's Um Day, International Women's Day today. And so it's just a blessing to be on here and to talk about, you know, goodness and talk about even though you know I've been married, I've been divorced, um, and then starting anew and how excited I am about this season, and like, okay, God, it's gonna happen because I can honestly say that I'm ready. So my Peter, you're gonna be ready. No, you're gonna be ready. You're gonna find me, you're gonna find me. You're gonna find me on YouTube, we're gonna find me wherever you want.

SPEAKER_02 53:49

Or Instagram. Yep, Instagram, wherever you're gonna find me, you're gonna find me. Well, until

Final Reflections And Sendoff

SPEAKER_02 53:53

next time. Um, if you're struggling, I hope everyone could take something from this. If you're struggling, if you need to pass this on to someone else, do what you have to do. And don't forget to buy Des a coffee, me a tea, and then Kippia Water. Yes, please. Okay. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 54:10

Bye.