What If Your Listening Style Is The Problem

We unpack the listening habits that quietly shape our relationships, from being fully present to shutting down as a coping mechanism. We name the styles that help people feel seen and the ones that turn a simple moment into an argument. 
• active listening as presence through focus, questions and reflection 
• passive listening as a drift that happens by season or with certain people 
• empathetic listening as a gift that still needs boundaries 
• expansive and solution driven listening that can overwhelm others 
• external processing versus internal processing in marriage communication 
• reductive listening as oversimplifying that makes people feel small 
• insecurity and upbringing as possible roots of defensive listening 
• teaching kids to use clear compliments instead of cutting remarks 
let us know underneath the comments. 

Transcript

When Listening Turns Into Accusations

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Are they narcissists? I didn't think so, but I think so. Let's do an example. We're playing a game. Give me some give me some characteristics of your partner. You give all good characteristics, and then you say, annoying. They just jump to you think I'm annoying, you think I'm a bad person. And that's not what I said. So the whole conversation just became about that. Bad rather than the whole thing. Yeah. So an active listener is full is a fully engaged listener. Listening where you are present. What it looks like is eye contact, no distractions, asking clarifying questions and reflecting back on what you heard. For a long time I caught myself being a passive listener. For a long time, someone could be talking, and then afterwards I'll be like, I don't know what they can say. Because I just wasn't engaged. I was just listening, but not listening.

Unmasked Talk And Life Check-In

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Woman in Black is where we put down the cape and pick up the mic, being authentically who we are, where we are, unmasked, unfiltered, and unapologetic.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

So let's check in.

SPEAKER_04 1:12

What's going on? How's life treating you? Life is full of surprises. I mean, not bad surprises. It's just like stuff been just coming out of the woodworks.

SPEAKER_03 1:21

And I'm like, where'd that come from? But as long as it ain't this type of surprise, I'm usually all right.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

It better not be that surprise. Because if that's the case, that would be like Mary. Mary, because God, how this happened? Because it can't. There is no way that that could happen right now. So and I don't plan on that happening. Oh Lord, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Man just gave me PTSD.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Yeah, I know. I'm sure. No, seriously.

SPEAKER_04 1:56

But no, I'm in a hidden season. So just like I said, y'all gonna hear this for a while. Just me and God. Yep. And we're gonna watch those seasons. Yep. What about you?

SPEAKER_03 2:06

I've been good. I've been good. Um reprioritizing. Every now and again I just kinda step back and reprioritize. I'm still in a transition.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Um in most of life, it gets like that. Like we're where you're transitioning. It's just been a little it's been heavier and lighter at the same time. Like heavier in certain areas, lighter than others. So I have to adjust because I haven't been here before. And so what I'm used to dealing with and what used to be heavy is like I mastered it and then something else got heavy. And I'm like, I still try to battle. Like, okay, God.

SPEAKER_04 2:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

I get it.

SPEAKER_04 2:47

But remember, you got this. A to the man. And the door didn't open because you weren't qualified. Listen, I'm gonna always qualify with God. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

Yeah, you qualified with the people too. A to the man.

SPEAKER_04 3:04

But it's about to be summertime. The kids are kidding. I got one on the way about the house. He's like, you're gonna be crying, and I promise him and you guys. No, I'm not. He's not gonna be far enough to where I can't go see him. You get what I'm saying? Like, I'm not gonna be boo-hoo crying. It's not my in my nature to do that. It's just not me. Now, if I was sad or something, maybe, but happy, I might sit and look at him and say, Oh, oh, but to really like cry, cry, I don't see it. Unless God is up there laughing at me right now, like, watch this. But right now, I'm just like, one down.

SPEAKER_03 3:48

I mean, maybe there's others like that. Let us know. We're sure there are. Seeing my oldest cross the stage did something to me. You know? It was like I was it was happy tears, it was you're a man tears, even though I even though when we feel like we prepared them for that moment, it I don't know, the umbilical cord was just it just was extending and then it cut. I was like, oh shoot, even though he's back here.

SPEAKER_04 4:16

Mine, that umbilical cord gonna go however far you go. I waited for him to be like, I can cut now, mom.

SPEAKER_03 4:27

Oh yeah, different personalities, different people.

SPEAKER_04 4:29

Yeah, now the other the two middle ones, they're gonna be ready to cut theirs. That oldest one, he's not cutting. As much as everybody thinks, oh yeah, he's he not he is not cutting no time soon. So that's why you feel like it's it's not gonna you're not gonna have that experience? Not right away. I'm gonna be happy. I'm happy now because he's he's come so far. And um like I always give myself kudos because like I did that with him. You get what I'm saying? Like I really my boys are good. So yeah, I'm be happy, but I don't know if I'll be crying or anything. Now his godmom, she's gonna be crying. She's been crying since he entered the ninth grade. She's gonna cry. Yeah, it's tough.

SPEAKER_03 5:12

Yeah, it's definitely different. Okay.

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SPEAKER_02 5:17

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Why People Say Women Don’t Listen

SPEAKER_04 5:54

You wanna get into topic? So, women, we are often considered as horrible listeners sometimes. No one thinks we listen.

SPEAKER_03 6:05

Do we ask for all women?

SPEAKER_04 6:08

Um, I think a lot of men think that. Not all. I don't think it's all women, but I think a lot of men think that. Um, so which kind of listener I've come across. There's like three, uh there's six listening positions. So there's um active, passive, critical, um, empathetic, reductive, and expansive.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

We're gonna have to give them definitions because I remember doing this list, girl. I guess I did every test known to man when it comes to these personalities and listening. But they didn't name them as that. They gave them like different styles of names, but they probably mean the same thing. It was just depends on the test that you take. So I'm curious to know um which one I fall into. And I believe I fall into more than one depending on our circumstance, but yeah, that's that's possible. Yeah, and depending on who you're talking to, right, and what the topic is, if I'm passionate about it, or if I really just don't care.

SPEAKER_04 7:09

I could go through them really quickly though. So an active listener is full is a fully engaged listener, listening where you are present. Um, what it looks like is no eye contact, no distractions, asking clarify, clarifying questions, and reflecting back on what you heard. A deeper meaning for that is you're not just hearing words, you're discerning truth, intention, and sometimes what's unspoken. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 7:39

Gee, let's get into what you think you are, because that's too many for me. Like to even remember, to be like, I could just like to remember the name. I had looked it up before he started it. And it's a little different how they broke it down. But I think though they fit each other, it's just different. Like they had like the fixer jumps to solutions, the waiter waits for their turn to talk, the defender hears everything as an attack. The ghost listener nods but didn't hear a word. Sorry, that's dumb. Uh the safe space actually listens. What I hear, some everybody listens differently. What have you noticed about yourself? What do you feel you fall into or as your dominant listening style?

SPEAKER_04 8:24

So I don't I don't have just one dominant listening style. Oh, okay. Because, like you said, it falls into um environment, people, you know, different categories. Right.

Passive Listening And Emotional Boundaries

SPEAKER_04 8:33

But for a long time I caught myself being a passive listener. For a long time. And I would go, you someone could be talking, and then afterwards I'll be like, I don't know what they just said. Mm-hmm. Because I just wasn't engaged. I was just listening, but not not listening, if that makes sense. I was just like, mm-hmm. Then my mind is like all over the place to be, and then they're like, Well, what did she say about that? And I'm like, I have no idea because I was not listening. I'm so sorry, but I don't know where my mind went. But I am an empathetic listener because I listen from both sides with more empathy than anything a lot of times. So I can be empathetic. It falls. I'm I'm probably one a little of each of these, honestly.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

Yeah, it really depends. And sometimes, um I feel like given a situation, we have to be. Like we have to be. If we're parenting, we might be one way. If we're general parenting, if we're disciplining, we're another way. Like they're not gonna say nothing.

SPEAKER_04 9:43

Different listening styles come with different seasons of your life too. Yes. So right now I'm not passive. I'm more of an active listener right now. Um and more expansive too. But my last season, a lot of the times I was definitely passive.

SPEAKER_03 9:58

I don't know if I ever was a passive listener. I was. I I probably should have been sometimes. Maybe I will and I had so much to say. So I developed that too.

SPEAKER_04 10:09

One of my jobs, I was a um unlicensed therapist.

SPEAKER_03 10:15

I remember you saying that before.

SPEAKER_04 10:17

So I had to build a coping mechanism because I couldn't allow them, their traumas and their burdens to all fall on me because I am an empath. You get what I'm saying? Then I'll be walking around wearing all y'all emotions and feelings. So I would like block myself out. First, I knew I'm not getting paid to do this, right? Boundaries. Boundaries, and I what do they need sometimes? People just need to be heard. Right. So I taught I I both now I'm answering my own question. I taught myself that and I never cut it off. I just kept doing it. Yep. Mm-hmm. I just kept doing it. Yes, I just kept doing it. Not listening to people.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

Another listening style. Not listening. I mean it falls in the passive, but some people really just don't be listening. I think my dominant and it depends on who you ask too, right? Have different relationships with different people where I know passive probably is not really one of them for me. Um, I think the only person I was passive with was my dad. Because the man will have you on the phone for three hours. You just gotta put him on speaker and clean. Like, like clean the house.

SPEAKER_04 11:34

Somebody just came to mind and um I noticed I actually am still passive, but it's only with this one person.

SPEAKER_03 11:39

Yeah, I had that was my coping mechanism with him. And then sometimes I felt like, okay, he's making sense, but he not. And so I didn't it is like it's your parents, so you don't want to be disrespectful. And it's like, you know, maybe in the future you might need that. But he my dad used to call to tell me break down scriptures in the Bible. Like, God spoke to me today, and da da da, and like stuff that I I I didn't even couldn't even apply it. Like, I had no, I couldn't put it anywhere. So I was just listening. I had no dog in the bike, I had no understanding.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

So you just had to listen. Yeah. So But after he was done talking, did you know what he was saying? Did you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

I didn't, but I will say this. Some it somehow, and maybe it goes to, you know, when you leave the TV on while you're sleeping, and your brain's still processing. Uh, because somehow some of the things he said will come back to memory later.

SPEAKER_04 12:45

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

Yeah, so I apparently my brain wasn't all the way shut off. Right. But I didn't have anywhere to put it. So it was just that deep down somewhere. But on a non on a normal day, I I do think I can be empathetic, but I'm more solution driven. I know I'm sure it could come off as a critical listener because I always have, I always gonna be like, okay, you look at it this way, it's annoying to a lot of people. Um, expansive, because once somebody puts something out there, I'm like, okay, and we could do this. Like, that's my go-to is expansive. Like, that's my go-to. And that's also hard for others because they're not always looking for that.

SPEAKER_04 13:32

Nope. That's why sometimes you gotta be passive. Just listen to them. They don't know you don't know what they're talking about. And I don't, and to be honest, that might work for a lot of people. I don't know that it will work for me. Like mine didn't purpose, it didn't purposely start off like that. It just happened and I just kept it up.

SPEAKER_03 13:53

Now, in my you so when you uh what you said earlier about you know women, we are often called out as not being good listeners, right? I definitely fall in that category. Um my husband has mastered the art of listening, but did he? Because I'm pretty sure he's passive.

SPEAKER_04 14:14

Because, okay, so in his defense, he he's probably passive because you sometimes when you have your great ideas and you're in your expansive moment, you just go on and on and on, and you probably lost them somewhere in everybody. Maybe, yeah. You you you probably were given too much at one time for him. 100%.

Processing Out Loud Versus Quiet Minds

SPEAKER_04 14:31

Yeah, so he's not purposely passive, I don't think. I pushed him, you kind of pushed him there because he like, oh, she lost me now. Because I'm still here, and now she like five steps ahead.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

So and he don't even be wanting to know all that. He just be like, like, and he'll look at me and smile sometimes like like try not to smile, and I don't already know. I lost you, but I think for me, sometimes I process externally, like I'm an external processor. I internally I could process, write stuff down, but it it's either or like either I'm writing it down for clarity or I'm speaking it out loud for clarity. He doesn't do that, like he does not need to talk through a problem.

SPEAKER_04 15:17

Yeah, and I don't I God bless the people who are like that. Because for me, I have to nine times out of ten, I'm writing it down. Um, or I have to talk, like you said. If I process it in my head, we're gonna have 18 different types of scenarios because I'm gonna come from here to here, and this is why this happened. So just let me write it down. Let me talk about it, let me talk through it. Yeah, so I can make sense of it. Yeah, because if exactly, and then if I make sense of it while I'm talking, someone else can be like, Well, no, this is not how I meant it. Because if you lit let me leave it in my head, girl, we're gonna have 10 different stories. Yes, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 15:57

That's how I feel. That's why I gotta say it out loud. And thank God I do, because when he does catch it, sometimes he's able to ask me thought-provoking questions that I may not have considered.

SPEAKER_04 16:11

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 16:11

And if I would have kept that in my head, girl.

SPEAKER_04 16:14

Yeah, it wouldn't have been good, right?

SPEAKER_03 16:16

It would have been like Yeah. So on his end, we did have to work through me listening to him in a way that didn't diminish the reason why he was speaking to me.

SPEAKER_04 16:30

More listening to understand, not to respond.

SPEAKER_03 16:34

Yeah, that's what they call it. Let me tell you what I call it a conversation. So I was struggling. Cause I, if I'm going to understand something, I'm I have to ask questions. And if I'm writing it down, it sounds, it looks as if I'm not listening. If I'm interrupting, you're gonna forget your train of thought. And so people who I have to wait to the end of the conversation, and he feels like, well, maybe that was what I was gonna say next. And maybe my head is like, you're taking too long. I purposely don't be trying to interrupt or listening to respond. I understand that is something people do, and I'm probably guilty of it in some fashions, but most of the time for me, I'm not trying to respond. I'm trying to understand. So I'm asking a question. But some people take offense to that. Like, are you asking me that to question me rather than asking me that for to understand where I'm coming from? I'm like, God darn, is that serious? You want to answer a question or not? All right, let's not talk. Like, this is stupid.

SPEAKER_04 17:43

Like, because I gotta understand you. Yeah, I know I understand that. So it just depends on who's on the receiving end. Right. Because listening, when you say, um, are you listening to respond, or are you listening to understand? I'm listening to do both. So if someone said, Are you listening to respond or understand? Like, I don't take offense to that because I'm trying to do both. Because if I don't respond and I just sit here and nod my head, I might drift off into that passive listening. And then you're gonna be mad. So I have to ask a question, and I'm responding so that I can understand what you're saying. So it could go a couple different ways, but let me tell you the type of listener that I can't stand is a reductive listener. What is that? Jump into conclusions, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oversimplifying and just listening, listening in ways that makes you have to shrink, that makes you feel like you have to shrink yourself. I can't stand that. Like everything that you're saying after their response is like, no, that doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_03 18:47

Like, and just jump into so they are just they are not allowing you space to live like sit down. Real narrow.

SPEAKER_04 18:59

Yeah, very narrow. Yeah. So someone says, I've been feeling really overwhelmed at work. My manager keeps adding projects,

Reductive Listening And Communication Damage

SPEAKER_04 19:07

and I'm trying my best, but I feel like I'm falling behind and it's stressing me out. The reductive listener's response will be so basically, you just can't handle the workload. I can't stand it.

SPEAKER_03 19:19

Dang. So they just always throwing it back to you, like what you didn't do right. Yeah, I can't stand that.

SPEAKER_04 19:24

That's that Eva Mind. Rather than saying, Well, what's going on? You know what I mean? Have you done these projects before? What else is stressing you? Is it your you know what I mean? Like trying to get to the root of it, trying to help you. They're just basically like, cancel out what you say, you the problem. I don't like those. I don't like those people. That's really strong. Yeah, I don't like those kind of listeners. Are they narcissists? I didn't think so, but I think so. And another example for that is I would say, um, I just feel like lately we haven't been connecting the same, and I miss how we used to talk and spend time together. The reductive listener's response would be, so you're saying I'm a bad partner. Let's do an example. We're playing a game, and you say, Um, the game is like, give me some, give me some characteristics of your partner. And you give all good characteristics, and then you say, annoying, and then they just jump to you think I'm annoying, you think I'm a bad person. And that's not what I said. We gave all these different characteristics. You get what I'm saying? Oh, and they clung to that.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Oh, okay. So the whole conversation just became about that rather than the whole thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:34

Mm-hmm. That's it might be an insecurity. It could be a lot of a lot of different things, but yeah, those type of listeners, I don't, yeah. And then I'll go right into passive. So passive might be my coping mechanism.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

Yeah, because you might shut down.

SPEAKER_04 20:48

Yeah, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's my least favorite.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

When someone has a listener like that, I wonder what's the best way to communicate with them. Like what is I don't know what my I I I I don't know what I would do in that situation.

SPEAKER_04 21:06

You can try to explain to them, you know, how you feel when when you're in a a situation like that and they're the uh listener. Um you can try to explain to them that this bothers me. And if they don't change it, if you can't change the people, change the people. You know, you have like um pet peeves and some stuff like that. That's something I can't get over.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

But I'd be like, I don't even know why you think like that. Like, like I I would come back, right? And but that doesn't make it okay because what it does is it continues to harm the communication. At this point, I think I would probably had remove myself completely.

SPEAKER_04 21:50

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, like I'll probably just remove myself completely. Exactly. So nowadays, I am more of a let's let's try to figure this out before I jump this shit. Right. So you, I'm only gonna give it a certain amount of times before I jump the shit before it's changing me into somebody that I don't want to be. You know what I mean? So that in that that situation that situation was that like that listening. And another reason it triggered because in the past, anything could happen with me, and I would be like, Yeah, because this happened at work, this happened at work, and the person would instantly be like, Well, why were you late? Something like that. Like it will always fall on me. So I've dealt with a reductive listener in the past, and I realized that that's not a person that I would want to be around, not even relationship-wise, but if I had a friend that we were growing in to be friends and they were that kind of listener, I probably wouldn't be as close to that person or express so many things to that person because I'm gonna be open. Yeah, we ain't we clearly we ain't that cool.

SPEAKER_03 22:54

Do you feel like do you feel like a reductive listener, or maybe I should say it this way, is it possible that a reductive listener is being honest with us about us, but not expressing it with empathy?

SPEAKER_04 23:12

Um, I don't know. I'm torn I'm like torn in between the two because you can be honest, but you could still there's a way to not block out everything I said and just take one part of it and just leave on that. Like maybe I was late at work, right? Right. But I said a whole a whole I said a hundred other things, and you just took that out of it. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, no, I'm good off of those. I wonder what's the what's behind it. It might be insecurities, like you said. Well, they're older. Personal insecurities, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:44

I do think that's a part of it. Also think a lot of people just don't know how to come communicate. Communicate, yeah, how they feel, or like they I mean, imagine this. Imagine growing up in a home where someone constantly picked out your flaws, you know, and that's how you learn is the best way to help somebody by showing them the mirror of their flaws rather than also complimenting who they are as a whole person, right? It's like okay, you could you I could handle that, but don't act like don't act like that's all of who I am.

SPEAKER_04 24:20

But then I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

Yeah, but can we can we talk about what I experienced that made this happen? Can can you lean into that a little bit?

SPEAKER_04 24:29

Yeah, that could be tough. And I don't know if

How To Respond And Teach Better Speech

SPEAKER_04 24:32

this ties into it, but I just taught one of my sons something about that, like pointing out flaws instead of just being honest. So I went to my girlfriend's wedding, and when he saw me, he was like, You got that long one dress on, you got that long old dress on. I said, You like it? He said, Yeah, I said, You think I look nice? He said, Mm-hmm. I said, just say that. Just say that because I want him to not do that to his girlfriend or his wife. Just tell it's okay to compliment and let them know, like, you look nice. Like, use your words. Use your words. Use your words. He was like, You look nice, mom. I was like, Thank you. Like, you know, like learning moments, but yeah. Yeah, no, that's that's good though. You have to teach them. So, yeah, I'm gonna leave you guys with do not be a reductive listener. Yeah, well, what kind of listener are you? What kind of listener are you?

SPEAKER_03 25:27

What kind of listener do you live with?

SPEAKER_04 25:29

And if you and if you if you are a reductive listener or a passive listener, and sometimes things bother us about ourselves that we won't let other people know, maybe we're helping you get it together and just say, you know, I can change, I can be, you know what I mean? Or this is why people don't really want to engage with me, because I have bad listening uh mechanisms. Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:55

And that's true. We here to help each other grow at the end of the day when we're sitting on this couch. Because I always be finding

What Kind Of Listener Are You

SPEAKER_03 26:02

out stuff about myself, and I'll be like, dang, well, I did that yesterday. Or sometimes I I hate this, but sometimes I also be like, and that's exactly why I act like that. Sometimes I'll be like, I'm like, I'll be like, and that's exactly why, because you ain't gonna be walking all over me. And then like, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's exactly why I said that boundary, because I ain't playing with you. I don't mess up my life. But anyway, the total different type of it's okay though.

SPEAKER_04 26:35

So that's what she leaves me all with, though. So don't even worry about it. But yes, dig in deep to see what kind of listener you are. Maybe this is the first time you've heard of those six different listening positions. So, you know, let us know underneath the comments. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:50

All right. Hi.