Overcoming Attachment Styles in Sexual & Emotional Intimacy with Dr. Tiffany Stanley

Episode 042 — Overcoming Attachment Styles in Sexual and Emotional Intimacy with Dr. Tiffany Stanley

So many people struggle with desire, connection, and intimacy in silence—especially in midlife, when bodies, hormones, life stressors, and relationship patterns all shift at once. In this episode of Overcoming Anything, host Anne Vryonides sits down with Dr. Tiffany Stanley to unpack how attachment styles quietly shape the way we give, receive, pursue, withdraw, and protect ourselves in relationships—and how that directly impacts sexual and emotional intimacy.

Dr. Tiffany Stanley is a sex and intimacy therapist with over 20 years of experience, a certified sex therapist, and holds a PhD in Clinical Sexology. She specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild connection, navigate desire discrepancies, heal attachment wounds, and create a sex life that evolves with your season of life—without shame, pressure, or unrealistic expectations.

Key Takeaways
• Desire is responsive—not automatic: your nervous system, stress, resentment, and disconnection all influence it
• Attachment patterns are often subtle: what looks like “relationship problems” may be safety, fear, and protection strategies underneath
• Curiosity creates connection: “nothing’s off the table” is the fastest path to honest intimacy and a better sex life

Timestamps
• 00:00 — Introduction: attachment styles, intimacy, and what people struggle with in silence
• 02:10 — Dr. Tiffany’s mantra: “Nothing’s off the table” + “Curiosity creates connection”
• 05:30 — How she became a sex and intimacy therapist (and why this work matters)
• 10:00 — The biggest midlife struggles: desire discrepancy, expectations, and comparing to “how it used to be”
• 14:00 — Common misconceptions: “desire should always be there” and “something must be wrong”
• 17:30 — Why many women lose interest: overwhelm, caregiving, imbalance, and sex feeling like another task
• 22:00 — Self-care that actually matters: time/energy inventory, body connection, and self-knowledge
• 27:00 — Attachment styles in midlife: why old patterns still show up even after personal growth work
• 31:00 — Opening the conversation: how to talk about intimacy without blame (fear, safety, vulnerability)
• 36:00 — When your partner is dismissive: how defensiveness fuels the cycle (and when therapy helps)
• 41:00 — Reconnecting after trauma, divorce, caregiving, or burnout (and why “dating yourself” matters)
• 46:00 — From functional to romantic: rebuilding emotional + physical intimacy after years of practicality
• 50:00 — When resentment replaces desire: what to address first and why
• 54:00 — Toxic “chemistry” vs emotional safety: why calm can feel “boring” after chaos
• 58:00 — Nervous system regulation after chaos: getting comfortable with quiet, safety, and true connection
• 01:03:00 — How attachment wounds shape who we choose, what we tolerate, and how we show up in bed
• 01:07:00 — Play again: how to explore, talk, and evolve your sex life in midlife
• 01:11:00 — Recommended books + Dr. Tiffany’s upcoming book
• 01:14:00 — Where to find Dr. Tiffany and her free resources

Connect with Dr. Tiffany Stanley
• Dr. Tiffany’s website: https://tiffanystanleytherapy.com | Instagram | Facebook

Resources
• Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, https://a.co/d/09JoHvEm
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson, https://a.co/d/00kEJtMf
• Nothing’s Off the Table: A Radical Guide to Desire, Pleasure, and Sexual Empowerment by Dr. Tiffany Stanley, https://tiffanystanleytherapy.com/nothing-is-off-the-table-book-by-dr-tiffany-stanley/

If this episode helped you, share it with someone who wants deeper connection, a better sex life, or a healthier way to talk about intimacy—because nothing is “wrong” with you. You just need the right language, tools, and safety to grow. I’ll see you next time on Overcoming Anything.
 ❤️ Anne

Disclaimer
The content of this episode is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, legal, or medical care.

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Transcript

Speaker 2 0:02

Welcome to Overcoming Anything, the podcast where we dive deep into stories of resilience, transformation, and growth. I'm your host, Anne and today we have an incredible guest who is going to talk about overcoming attachment styles in sexual and emotional intimacy. So joining me today is Dr. Tiffany Stanley, and she brings insight, warmth, and real talk. To subjects that so many people are struggling with today in silence, desire, connection, relationships. So this is gonna be a fun one. Welcome to the show, Tiffany.

Speaker 0:35

Oh, thanks for having me. I'm so glad to be here.

Speaker 2 0:38

Absolutely. So before we dive in, I always love to ask, what's one quote or mantra that keeps you going in tough times?

Speaker 0:45

I like the phrase, nothing's off the table. And the way I look at that, it not just in my practice, but personally, is that everything has a space for discussion and review. So there's no idea, no feeling, no emotion, whatever you wanna call it, that, that can't be talked about. I think that's where we really discover about ourselves, and so nothing's off the table. I really put that in my therapy sessions as well. Tell me what's really happening. I also like the idea of, curiosity creates connection and that again, it's in line with nothing's off the table. It's get curious. That's how we get to know ourselves and each other and creates connection. So those would be my two top.

Speaker 2 1:24

I love it. Especially nothing's off the table because I'm sure that creates, the safe space for your clients to really kind of open up to you and just feel safe to share whatever that's on their mind, knowing that okay, you're not gonna judge 'em. Nothing's off the table.

Speaker 1:41

Exactly. And I think that when you think about sex, which we've been so taught not to talk about. A very sensitive topic for most people. And so presenting that. Authentic place of safety and non-judgment of you can talk about whatever is on your mind, whatever you think about, whatever you worry about. And, there's, it's all okay. So yeah, creating that sort of safe space allows people to open up and get curious. So the two blend together.

Speaker 2 2:10

Right. We're all curious. So how did you get into this? How did you become, a sex therapist and intimacy therapist?

Speaker 2:18

I went into, psychology to work primarily with women. And my goal was to really work with women in empowerment and help them to connect with themselves and. Identify what works for them, what doesn't work for them. And that also meant really specializing in things that, that all people struggle with to some degree. Anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and not really, people would start talking about their sex life and. That was a very fascinating subject for me. Anyways, I'd taken, in grad school and undergrad, different courses on human sexuality and sexual therapy and so forth. So it was already really in my radar, but the fact that it kept coming up. How much it is a part of the human existence and all the messages we've been taught. And it was just, it's such a fascinating subject and we all at some point encountered the concept of sexuality. So that being said, I went into more training received my CER certification as a sex therapist, went and got a PhD in clinical sexology so that I could really. Be an expert in this field and really help people. It's, I started out primarily with women, as I said before, but that obviously expanded. So now I work with men and women and couples and, I'm, it's over 20 years now of doing this work, so something I'm absolutely passionate about and I think it's a really important area.

Speaker 2 3:45

So what do you find are the biggest issues, like for midlife people that are coming to you? What are their biggest struggles?

Speaker 3:52

I think discrepancies with desire levels assumptions and expectations about what sex is supposed to look like. People getting caught up on what they think it's supposed to look like or how it was before and not really, holding onto, what they think it's supposed to look like or supposed to look like or how it was in the past, and not allowing the opportunity for growth and adjustment to where things and how things are currently. Again, that sexual desire discrepancy is a big one. I think people think that desire should just be present. If there's an opportunity or you're in a relationship, it should just be there. It doesn't work that way. It is so responsive and. Responds to our life circumstances. And midlife has its own particular things that show up for us and they do influence how we feel about our bodies and our relationships, and certainly how we feel about sex. So those definitely show up.

Speaker 2 4:53

And what do you think are the biggest misconceptions people have about their sex life as they get older and intimacy and how to really connect with their partner?

Speaker 5:04

I think that there is that assumption that, again, desire should just be readily available. That if our bodies don't cooperate, if we will or when we wanted to or how we want to, that something's wrong and it doesn't, obviously somebody can have some biological anatomical concerns, health issues, but most of the time it's not adapting to how things are currently and. With our bodies and our life circumstances. And I think that, people get really stuck even if they're not aware of it. That they're, there's that dissatisfaction with how things are going sexually. There's maybe disconnection in the relationship in general, and then they expect themselves to be interested in sex, and that doesn't always work that way either. A lot of my female clients come in. It's not just women, but certainly I see a in the female group, if you will, of not being interested in sex. They're just take it or leave it, it's seems like a lot of work. I don't feel like I get anything out of it. All of these kind of thought processes and. When I ask them what do they want it to look like, they often don't know. And so that is a big important piece of discovering what works for you and what you need sexually, but also in the connection with your relationship. They do, work together.

Speaker 2 6:30

So why do you think most women in this age category that are coming to you and they're no longer interested in sex. Is it because they're exhausted? Or is it because they're working and then they're trying to take care of the house, trying to take care of the kids and they're aging parents? Or are they just shut down because. They've been through so much in their life that they're just, they don't have anything else to give to their partner or what do you think is that reason?

Speaker 6:54

All those things you just mentioned? I think for a lot of women it is overwhelmed, stretched thin. A lot of giving and not a lot of receiving or taking care of themselves. I, I have a workshop that I created for women that is specifically on self-care. And yes, that term gets thrown around a lot, but it really is at a much deeper level about our attachment styles and our patterns and how much we give and not make that balance of what we need for ourselves. So a lot of women first, they don't know what they want. There haven't been conversations about what they want with themselves or with their partner. And even though a couple might be having sex, for 20 years, does not mean they've actually talked about it. And even if they did early on, they probably haven't had those sort of check-ins, which are important. But I would say one of the primary is. Being overwhelmed, carrying too much of the load. And then the idea of being sexual feels like another task. And then second of all might be hormones. It might be their body's changing. They need, external lubrication. They need more time for arousal to build these kind of things. And if we expect that just to be automatic, it's going to potentially create some disappointment and therefore a lack of interest.

Speaker 2 8:13

What suggestions do you make to your clients in terms of self-care to really reconnect with their emotions, their mind, and most importantly, their body?

Speaker 8:22

One of the things that I think is really important is to really have a reality check of where they put their time and energy. And the why, what's the motivation? We do so much automatic that we don't even, or we think we're supposed to, this is the my role, or this is my responsibility. Doing these things means I care, all of those pieces that if they don't take that time just to take inventory, and it doesn't have to be critical. It's not about judging themselves or having strong opinions one way or the other. It's just. Starting out with where do I put my time and attention and why? And then to see if there's some shifts that need to happen. That plays into sexuality because if you are overwhelmed and stretched thin and all of that, you're likely not going to think of sex as something that you wanna put more time into. And then the next piece is getting to know their bodies. And some of that is through self pleasure. Some of it is about just being curious about their body being up to date on what's going on with their health. All of these pieces, that's the relationship with our ourselves, right? And then taking all that into account. So the other piece I would say is what's the quality of the relationship? Are you spending time together? Do you enjoy each other's company? Do you feel like there's attunement?

Speaker 2 9:47

Right.

Speaker 9:47

You can be in a relationship for a really long time and not really feel like there's a lot of connection there because it hasn't been invested in.

Speaker 2 9:57

That's a great point. So how do attachment styles impact the relationship in midlife? So if you've done like a lot of personal development work and you've really worked on yourself why would attachment wounds still keep coming up.

Speaker 10:12

Because I think attachment. Wounds and attachment styles that come from those wounds are really subtle often, and they're not as dramatic as we might think they would be, and therefore being very obvious so that we be think, oh, something's going on here. They're often subtle, they're often not looked at and questioned. I think a lot of people, if they're in conflict in a relationship, they think this is about my partner or this is about my relationship, and it is, but there's this subtle undercurrent of what our bodies have in mind have come up with as ways to protect us and help to calm our nervous system, which isn't necessarily what's happening in the relationship at the moment. It could be upbringing, it could be previous relationships, it could be earlier on in the particular relationship they're in. And so that subtlety, is what causes people to have the behavioral, the thoughts about safety, vulnerability. So they might withdraw, they might pursue, they might feel anxious and they're thinking, I'm just dissatisfied in this relationship. And it may be that there's some under workings that are playing a bigger part than we're aware of.

Speaker 2 11:27

So do you have any, suggestions to open up a conversation? So if someone was dissatisfied with the relationship and they were trying to talk to their partner, and their partner was just like, whoa, wait a minute, this isn't me, and they're not really taking responsibility, and so they're blaming the other person what would you suggest that they could do or say to open it up to really create that intimacy again?

Speaker 11:54

I would say getting aware of. What I think of as a cycle that they get in. And a lot of what we do behaviorally is because of what we think. And so when we are having a conversation with our partner, and let's say one partner's this isn't about me, this is your thing. Go, you're blaming me. It's like resistance and defensiveness. Which does not help. Create a safe space for vulnerability and really honest conversations. I think it's about slowing it down and piecing together when you do this thing, it makes me feel a certain way, and that feeling is coming from a deeper rooted piece of what we think of as like sort of survival, right? Which your main one is about being attached. Do I feel safe with you? Do I feel connected to you? Will you be there when I need you? Am I special and important to you? There's just a few of many, and that's the deeper, am I safe, right? And so when we slow down that conversation and we get really honest with when you do this particular thing, it makes me feel a certain way and at a deeper level, it scares me. It creates fear for me of you won't be there when I need you. Or you don't see me. And so then that person thinking those things and feeling those feelings has their own reaction. And you get into the cycle where, and the conflict can be over a variety of different things, but it ends up looking very similar the way that the cycle goes. So slowing it down and being very vulnerable to say. I go to this place that makes me feel frightened, makes me feel alone, or like you're, not gonna be there for me. And then I wanna protect myself and that's where the attachment style comes out. I wanna protect myself so I distance or I get afraid. You're not going to be there when I need you. So I pursue. And those are. Attachment styles. There's also secure attachment style, which is being, feeling that security in themselves and feeling trust and the ability to trust another person. So I would say slow it down and really have those really possibly uncomfortable, but really transparent conversations, and that's hard to do.

Speaker 2 14:11

Absolutely. You explained that really well because you're, you talk about, okay, I'm feeling this, and when I'm feeling this brings up a certain fear or concern in my body, and then as a result, I'm not feeling safe. So that is a great way to open up the conversation and have it instead of oh, you this, you that. And really explain your feelings, your emotions, and what it causes on a deeper level. I love that. And

Speaker 14:37

you do have to have a willing partner that's willing to show up there with you, right? So if you're saying, when you do this, I feel this certain way, or I get afraid or worried about this or that. If that person dismisses that or gets defensive or that's not how it is. You're making it, you're being dramatic. You're making a big deal. You're not gonna get very far with that sort of dynamic. It's really about give their space for each of you to be really. Maybe that need, you need some time to decide what those feelings are and those thoughts are, and what you, what behaviors you tend to do, which is that self-reflection. But yeah, you have to both show up being willing to be present and listen and share.

Speaker 2 15:19

And what do you suggest if one of the partners is dismissive and they're just blame shifting to the other person?

Speaker 15:25

I think that. Again, not it's about acknowledging that 'cause that's another, you do this thing. And then it leads me to feel alone, unseen, uncared for, so when you say. I don't agree with this, or it's not my fault, or you're just blaming me. That defensive, they're doing very much what the behaviors that are causing part of, the cycle. And obviously therapy can be really helpful for that when you have a therapist who's helping to facilitate that discussion and help to, slow things down. Give perceptions, an idea of what might be happening for that person who is resisting any kind of ownership or, acknowledgement of their part.

Speaker 2 16:05

Okay, great. So how does someone reconnect with their sexuality after they've gone through trauma, divorce, caregiving, or burnout?

Speaker 16:16

I think it, it goes back to that relationship with themselves and that can be through really good care of themselves and getting to know their bodies, where their bodies are now, and, being curious about what sex is to them and intimacy is to them and what that might look like for them. And if they've had trauma. The trauma hangs out with us. It stays in our body and it stays in our, subconscious unless we address it. And that comes from talking about it, ideally with someone that you feel safe with and you can trust. And that can be a close nonjudgmental, judgmental friend or a therapist or something, some sort of arrangement where you can talk about what you've experienced and be able to discern. Your separateness from that trauma, meaning that's in the past, that's not who you are, that you not to blame for all of these, whatever that is. It really depends on what the trauma is. For a lot of my clients, what I use is called EMDR. Eye movement desensitization reprocessing, which allows someone to look at a trauma in a much more relaxed state because the ENDR, which is like a bilateral stimulation, there's a lot of details to it. It helps them to be in a relaxed state, to look at a trauma and to identify how it shows up in their body. Maybe have awareness of some connections to what took place in that time. What it meant to them and how it impacted. So that kind of deeper work can be really helpful. I don't think that trauma has to be, something we just accept meaning like, I had this trauma, it has impacted me this way, and that's just how it is. It does not have to be that way. We can have a bright, optimistic, new viewpoint and do things differently for ourselves. I also think it's important to date ourselves, meaning if you've been in a relationship, let's say you had some trauma, you are now single. Enjoy your own company. So true.

Speaker 2 18:14

Yeah. We all need that.

Speaker 18:16

And don't we Right to spend time with yourself, do things that you find to be enjoyable, and just be really good and sweet to yourself because that's where it's gotta start. We are responsible for ourselves in this way, right? And then when we bring people into our lives, that is a gift, right? And if you enjoy your own company and you know what you like, and you want in general, let alone sexually, then you're expecting quality.

Speaker 2 18:43

Yeah. Great advice. So how do you rebuild emotional and physical intimacy when a relationship has become more functional instead of romantic, especially in midlife, the kids are grown and flown, how do you reconnect and have that intimacy again?

Speaker 19:00

Unfortunately, I think a lot of couples. Don't tend to the relationship until, as you mentioned, the kids have, they're gone. They've gone off to school or they've started their own lives and that doesn't mean that you can't get there. It's just that unfortunately a lot of couples put all the emphasis into work and the kids and home and all of these responsibilities. Hence the reason why sexual desire can decrease. They're overwhelmed and pulled in lots of directions. When they get to that point where they'll say it's feel, it's not romantic it's very much more of like practical, perhaps roommates. I hear that a lot. I think it's about. Getting curious about what they might enjoy not being attached to how it was before. That can be a good reference to look at. But what do we want it to look like now? How do we wanna spend our time together? How do our bodies work now? And again, being curious and sharing those pieces. And it does require an investment of time and attention so it doesn't just snap into. Just because there's no kids in the house, in, in an ideal world, you can have sex wherever you want to right?

Speaker 2 20:13

Yeah.

Speaker 20:14

Opportunity does not necessarily mean that's gonna happen.

Speaker 2 20:18

Yeah. Opportunity does not equal desire.

Speaker 20:23

Yeah. So start with yourself. Imagine, visualize, get curious about what you might want it to look like and what might be, enjoyable, and then have those conversations with your partner as well.

Speaker 2 20:36

What if resentment has quietly replaced the desire?

Speaker 20:41

That happens a lot. I think that happens a lot. And when that does happen, it does require identifying where the resentment is coming from. It is usually something that has happened over time, perhaps a long period of time and it hasn't been addressed or dealt with, and there's lots of reasons why it doesn't get addressed. And that could be wanting to avoid additional conflict or, feeling like perhaps it's gonna get dismissed, whatever the reason is, why someone wouldn't address something that's led now to resentment. But when resentment is there, it is what needs to get tended to first and to acknowledge it. Maybe there's an opportunity for clarity about what happened, the reasons, the ownership and accountability apology, whatever's caused the, the resentment to develop. A lot of times it is about an imbalance and responsibilities and, or assumptions that this is okay for that person and not a check-in they're great at this is their thing. And then the other person's like, how did I end up being the one to do this all the time? And Right, he's taking very general terms, but that not checking in creates resentment and that does not lead to desire to be sexual.

Speaker 2 21:56

So let's say it had to do with heartbreak. How does someone become vulnerable again after heartbreak?

Speaker 22:02

Going back to that, enjoying your own company doing your part to heal and recognizing what is important to you and giving that to yourself. That is, that creates that self security which is where we can heal from. That heartbreak can heal and allow for the potential or space for someone else to be a part of their life if they choose.

Speaker 2 22:31

So why do so many midlife women confuse emotional safety with a lack of chemistry? How do they move forward an emotionally healthy relationship if all they know is toxic relationships?

Speaker 22:43

I think there's a couple things you're talking about when someone has been in toxic relationships and that toxic might be the chaos, we can confuse that as chemistry and passion. And really what it is the dysregulation of our nervous system. So we're feeling something, but it's actually dysregulation. Okay. So does that make sense? So it's, yeah,

Speaker 2 23:05

totally.

Speaker 23:06

And that blends in with our attachment style because our attachment style is based on what our nervous system has adapted to in order for us to feel safety and hopefully then feel our nervous system can then calm. So we can adapt to chaos. We can perceive it as passion and sexual chemistry, but in fact it may be that it feels like something, it feels intense, but it's not the healthy intensity of connection. A lot of people will go into another relationship and say, oh, this is a healthy relationship, but that doesn't feel like there's a lot of chemistry or it's not exciting. They're still having that urge for that chaos and the intensity that they assume is. Chemistry. I think the part is recognizing the reality of what you might think is passion may actually be the chaos, and it's not sustainable for our nervous system and our wellbeing. I think, enjoying safety, enjoying quality. I think connection is definitely important. Attraction is definitely important. But yeah, it's a hard, it's a hard shift, but I think that people start to see the outcome of being in toxic chaotic relationships and, the cost of that.

Speaker 2 24:28

You bring up a really good point about the importance of regulating our nervous system. Just what you were saying, that the chaos is our, just our dysregulated nervous system. So how does someone who left a chaotic relationship reregulate their nervous system? So when they meet that healthy person, they feel safe in their body and it comes from within.

Speaker 24:50

I think if you think about, I equate it to like the analogy of like noise. And so when we have been in a chaotic, toxic relationship, we're used to the volume being, even if that toxicity is like a under the surface, right? And, but you can feel it. It doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel connection. It feels maybe there's manipulation, things like that. It's still like noise. So then if we are around like loud music, right? And then the music turns off, even though that may seem like, oh, that should be comfortable. It's not because we're used to the volume, we're used to that intensity. We have to allow our bodies to regulate. And get comfortable with quiet, calmer music, if you will. That takes time. That time is an important piece, allowing ourselves to acclimate, to peace and calmness and safety and what other, whatever other healthy aspects, I can count on myself. I have, can set boundaries. I can hold those boundaries and it is okay for me to have them. That all those things, time, peace, quality, allows that nervous system to be regulated so that if that loud noise comes back on, it will seem even louder and it will be un uncomfortable. Does that make sense as an analogy? So it's. And you're like, oh my gosh, it's too much.

Speaker 2 26:23

Absolutely. That's a great analogy. I like the way you said that, and I guess maybe that's why the advice is always once you end a relationship, take some time to heal before you rush into something else, and that all just comes together, right? So how do attachment wounds silently shape who we choose, what we tolerate, and how we experience intimacy?

Speaker 26:48

So our attachment styles are often, they come from our nervous system, as I mentioned before, wanting to create a sort of sense of safety. And they're often from our, developmental years of where our caregivers there for us, were we taking care of where we attended to. That all creates an impression of what we feel is available and what is not. And so when we go into these adult relationships. And you bring in sexuality, which is one of those things that creates a lot of vulnerability. And obviously people can have sex without feeling connection and intimacy. They don't always have to coexist. But if you are talking about a connected relationship, then your attachment style will play a part in that relationship. You are going to be triggered by things. Let's say you you're. Partner is, doesn't feel available. That might trigger your attachment style, which may lead to you be showing up a certain way or questioning certain things. And it is about recognizing. And the other thing I want you think about with attachment style is it is not. A set thing, it can be fluid and it can shift over time. And our relationships with ourself and our partners and so forth can cause us to shift our attachment style where we don't have that instant reaction of I'm not feeling connected and therefore I'm anxious and I'm pursuing in this anxious way. It does show up in our sex life because if you're feeling, if your attachment style is showing up in your relationship, your day-to-day interactions, your partnership, it will show up in your sex life as well,

Speaker 2 28:26

right?

Speaker 28:26

You're not gonna be as present. You're going to probably be more performative as opposed to being present and in the moment sexually because you're in, you're reacting to your attachment style.

Speaker 2 28:38

Okay, so how does someone know whether their relationship needs healing or whether they've simply outgrown it?

Speaker 28:46

I think all relationships and all people have spaces for healing. I think there's a point where you do, if you do the work, you can see if it's going to change, and then when you're in a couple, there's two people in that equation. And so both have to be willing to grow. Do the work to be vulnerable and transparent about what they're experiencing and why, and not everybody is able with the time or willing to do that. And I think that's a telltale sign. We're always growing and if someone doesn't want to attend to that growth and invest in it and, or not grow with their partner. You go in different directions likely.

Speaker 2 29:32

That's a great point. What are midlife women craving in intimacy that they often don't know what they should be asking for?

Speaker 29:42

I think shared. Support and help. I think again, a lot of women do a lot of things out of what they think they're supposed to, what society messages or generational messages. I think that in our midwives and is really a time of really getting to know ourselves and recognizing why we've done the things we've done and wanna keep doing them. So to be in a partnership with someone who is showing up with you. Is supportive. All of those play a part. And again, that growing piece too Yeah. Would be a very attractive thing to be with someone who is invested in their growth. And I think women wanna be seen and have a balance between responsibility and support.

Speaker 2 30:29

I think you summed that up very well. What has your experience with all of your clients taught you personally about sex in midlife and how to create intimacy? What life lessons have you learned?

Speaker 30:42

I think that the, how subtle attachment styles are and how much people immediately go to something's wrong with my relationship or something's wrong with my partner when it could be very much about the attachment style, showing up and,. It's really about being very curious about what's happening and not just making a blanket statement about the relationship or their partner. And, and that again, takes, it takes time. It takes slowing down, takes, asking questions and also being willing to, to be curious.

Speaker 2 31:15

I love that.

Speaker 31:16

All this relationship's doomed, and so we're done. Instead of, maybe there's just some connecting that needs to happen that hasn't been attended to.

Speaker 2 31:24

I really like that. That's locked in my mind, the curiosity. Because I feel like sometimes we just habitually go to frustration judgment, but if we could shift our mindset to be curious, like you said, that would just open the window to different thoughts as our thoughts impact our feelings and our feelings impact our behavior. So if we can own our side of the street and just really change what's going on in our head, then that right there could shift the relationship.

Speaker 31:52

And I think that what people think is that if I'm going to be curious, that means that I am in, I'm in acceptance of what's happening, that I'm calm and I'm in the zen space. It that doesn't have to be the case. You can have feelings, you could be upset, you could feel hurt. You can have all of those things while you're being curious about what is this about? Where is this person coming from? What might be leading to these reactions? And it doesn't have to be, oh, all is well, and I, I'll take whatever I get. It's more like I'm having these feelings and this is what it I'm experiencing, but I want to understand this person and understand where they're coming from, and that takes the curiosity.

Speaker 2 32:33

So if one of our listeners is going through a challenge right now in their marriage and they're missing the intimacy, the connection, the closeness that they used to have that great sex life, what advice would you have for them?

Speaker 32:47

I think that so often we go to, something's wrong with me. I'm broken, this relationship's broken. Something's wrong with the re, they go there and they hold tight to that. Instead of being curious and exploring what might be the new, what might, we can always make adjustments, right? It doesn't matter how long it's been a certain way, it doesn't matter what you used to do that you liked, that you don't like anymore. It's about what do you want it to look like now and how might that come about? And even if your sex life was great, whatever that means, let's say 20 years ago, it's gonna look different. It can be another version of great, but we have to release what we thought. I think it's supposed to look like and discover what we wanted and need it to look like.

Speaker 2 33:37

So what is your best advice for someone trying to resurrect their sex life? With body changes in men, body changes in women. How do you suggest that people play again?

Speaker 33:49

Oh, I love that play. That's what sex is meant to be. It's meant to be play with, and enjoying and that sort of unique thing that you do with this other person. I would say that, there's all kinds of games and things like that. I think the big piece is to have a fresh set of eyes on. What things you might want to do? What did you enjoy in the past? What would, what have you thought about doing or heard about that you thought might be interesting? And again, you're not making agreements to do these things, you're just talking about ideas and that, I think that's why games and things like that can be really helpful. Or questionnaires. Because it prompts those discussions to have people say, have you ever thought about doing this? Is that something of interest to you? I think and also adapting to how our bodies change and not seeing it as something is wrong or, less than, it's just different. Think about like lubrication. Most people use lubrication midlife on, and I think it's a great thing, no matter how much natural lubrication you're making, it's, it can be a really helpful thing, but people can get stuck on that and be. Oh, that means something's wrong or I'm not attracted. Or I'm not turned on. It's not true. It's not a perfect indication of arousal. And as we get older, it changes for women. So those changes don't have to be, oh, things are no longer great. They're just different. And you make adjustments. So curiosity and asking questions and not necessarily trying to figure it out in the bedroom either, but like separate from the bedroom with the expectations of what, okay, that sounds interesting. Let's do that. It can be, and we're having a fun conversation, and getting to know each other with where we are currently.

Speaker 2 35:34

Those are some great tips, maybe over a drink or two. It's let the conversation flow easily.

Speaker 35:40

Absolutely.

Speaker 2 35:43

So is there a book that you recommend to your clients, as maybe a first step before they, they head into therapy to talk about everything that you could share with the listeners?

Speaker 35:52

There's a couple great ones. They've been out for a while and I think very highly of them. One is called attachment. And the other one is by Sue Johnson, and that's hold me tight. She actually has several different books in that her concepts are around emotionally focused therapy. Those two are great books. I also have a book coming out that's called, nothing's Off the Table. I love it. And it's a radical guide to desire, pleasure, and sexual empowerment. And it really talks about all the beliefs that we've been given passed down, and questioning those and how important conversations that we've been told not to have are actually the conversations we need to be having. To have that sexual empowerment or have the desire and the pleasure. And it does talk about attachment styles and things of that nature. But any of those sources are great. There are, my website has a lot of resources too, that are available in some of those questionnaires where you're talking about for like inventory and what you might be curious about that's on there.

Speaker 2 36:52

I love it. What's your website? So our listeners can go and find

Speaker 36:56

those. Tiffany Stanley Therapy. Nice and simple. Tiffany Stanley Therapy. And there's a whole free source page. There's guided meditations for sexual desire. There's a lot of wonderful things that people can access and I would say check those things out. Look into these books. See what works for you and if you feel like you're still stuck, and then to reach out for help. That is, there's nothing wrong with that, that is indicating how important your relationship and your sex life is when you reach out for help.

Speaker 2 37:27

So true. Thank you so much for being on the show. This has been so much fun. And, we're grateful to have learned more about attachment styles and how to overcome intimacy in midlife. So thank you so much.

Speaker 37:40

You're so welcome.

Speaker 2 37:41

If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might be facing a similar challenge and needs to hear this message of hope and I'll see you next time on overcoming Anything.