Around the Spectrum - Not Bad, Just Communication (With Kea Lee)

Ever been told your child is “bad” in the checkout line while you’re just trying to make it through the day? This episode centers on a different lens: not bad just communication. We dive into the real story behind behavior with BCBA and parent coach Kea Lee, exploring how meltdowns, eloping, and even aggression can be signals of unmet needs rather than defiance. Together, we unpack the everyday moments that push families to the brink and share clear, practical steps to bring more calm, confidence, and connection back into the home.

We talk through what actually works outside the clinic: visual schedules that make mornings smoother, timer cues that ease transitions, and simple ways to preview change so kids aren’t caught off guard. Kea explains why collaboration is more effective than compliance in ABA, how to build treatment plans that respect your culture and capacity, and why parents need support just as much as their children. You’ll hear practical tools for handling busy stores, long lines, and public judgment, along with ways to regulate yourself in the moment so you can support your child more effectively.

If you’ve felt isolated by public judgment or frustrated by strategies that worked in therapy but didn’t carry over at home, this conversation offers a grounded reset. We reframe behavior as communication, focus on teaching skills that match the child’s strengths, and talk about choosing one priority at a time so progress feels realistic. The takeaway is simple: your child isn’t working against you, and you don’t have to navigate this alone. Subscribe for more real-world autism support, share this episode with a parent who could use it, and leave a review to help other families find these conversations.

Additional Resource for Parents

If this conversation resonated, Kea Lee created the Grace & Growth Caregiver Program, a resource designed to support parents of children on the autism spectrum.

The program focuses on three core pillars: compassion, connection, and confidence — helping parents build emotional regulation skills, strengthen their relationship with their child, and feel more grounded during challenging moments at home.

You can learn more about the Grace & Growth Caregiver Program here:
 👉 [Link to resource]

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi everyone, welcome to Around the Spectrum where Parents, Pros, and Those in Between pull up the chair for honest conversations, grounded guidance, and real stories about raising and supporting autistic kids. I'm your host, Wendy Manganero. As a parent, marketing leader, and longtime autism ally, I know how overwhelming and isolating this journey can feel. Today we're joined by a professional Kia Lee, MS BCBA, LBA, a wife, mother of two, and the heart behind moment of behavior. With over eight years of experience, applied behavior analysis, Kia has supported children and families across home, school, and clinic settings. Her passion is empowering parents, especially those navigating a new autism diagnosis with the tools, confidence, and clarity to support their child at home. Kia believes every family deserves to feel seen, supported, and equipped, and she is committed to making behaviors of work more compassionate, culturally responsive, and accessible for all. We'll dive into the real world of supporting autistic kids, what's working, what's not, and how we can bridge the gap between research, services, and real family life. Welcome, Kia. Thank you for having me. And today we're going to talk about your child's behavior is not bad. Understanding behaviors through a compassionate lens. We're going to get into it. I just want to tell this quick story because there's a local grocery store here, and they may not have the best tolerance for what they see when children are in the store. You can see maybe ADHD, neurodivergence of some time, and the ability to calmly go through a store. And I'm always like, that's not bad behavior. I know you think that's just bad behavior. There's something more going on there. I think this is a really important conversation. Any parent who's ever been out in public and had other people judge their parenting based on what they think is going on when it's sometimes child on the spectrum. Parents sometimes shy away from taking their children out because they're afraid of those judgments. Let's start with your story. I really want to know how you built momentum around helping families. What led you to create this approach? How long have you been doing this? And how has being a parent in BCBA helped shape it?

From Clinics To Homes: Empowering Parents

SPEAKER_00 2:24

I've done in-home, center-based, behavior consult through the waiver for the state. But what I began to realize, especially in the center settings, was that we were teaching the children all the tools and therapists were implementing all of these interventions, and our parents were only getting that monthly meetings. Most parents wouldn't come more than once a month because of time constraints, busy schedules, and work. But I felt like we weren't really equipping them enough. In my parent training sessions in the clinic, I would try to give them as many intervention tools as I could, but I feel like it just wasn't enough because a lot of comments that I would get from parents was like, well, my child is doing this here at the clinic, but I'm not getting the same result at home. That really started to change my mindset about how are we teaching our parents, how are we really helping them make change in their homes. I started to notice we are teaching our parents how to handle their child's behavior, teach different skills, but we never really teach the parent how to regulate their emotions in an intense moment. We never really teach them techniques, even on themselves, to be able to teach their child different skills. I think parents weren't as equipped as I would have liked them to be to be successful and to feel confident in their home. And then I think just the two, being a parent and being a BCB, knowing the tools that I know, I use it in my own home with my children. It helps me have empathy for parents and the confidence that these things can work. I want them to work for you in your home. So that's really one of my whys.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

I'm going for my doctorate and doing my dissertation on ABA. I just read a study that came out this year, kind of what you're talking about. It actually lessens BCBA vertical when it's more collaborative, get parents on board, have a relationship with them so that they feel better about being able to implement.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

I think it's a piece that we as BCBA aren't really taught in school. We're just taught these interventions, how we're supposed to teach a child, teach the parents how to do it, but we're not taught how to really communicate.

Collaboration Over Compliance In ABA

SPEAKER_01 4:29

And I think it's important because some parents don't want to be told what to do. They're like, I've been a parent before. Maybe I have an overchild. But having a child on the spectrum, a lot of those things don't work. And so how you reach that gap of like, I'm not trying to teach you how to be a parent. I'm trying to work with you for your situation to communicate what's going to work in this case. Because every child about doesn't be so different, which was what I want to get into now. Behaviors can feel so confusing or even scary. How do you help parents see those behaviors as communication rather than defiance?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

First, I try to help them really look at the behavior in a holistic picture. Your child doesn't want to go in that store, and they're just going to have a tantrum. Let's look at the bigger picture. What's going on in that store that could be a trigger for them? Is it really bright in there? The time of day that you're going, are you going grocery shopping at the end of the day where it's rush, rush, rush and it's busy? Like you're presenting as busy and rushing. Kids really feed off of our energy, our body language. What does your body language look like when you're entering the store? Are you having that positive mindset and positive face and energy, relax shoulders, things like that before going in? Just trying to see it as a whole perspective and having the mindset that you're trying to help your child through that versus just correct and get them to stop really looking at them and saying, is it too loud? Am I rushing them? Just little things like that. And then clearing up that confusion that they're not acting out and that they are really just trying to communicate a need. And it is our job as parents and as caregivers to figure that out and to meet that need, not getting the child just to tell us.

Behavior As Communication, Not Defiance

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Not all parents, especially if they're new parents, will know some of these terms. Can you share some examples of what we may see as bad behavior, but it's really an unmet need. Like my child was an eloper, he disappeared. We had a whole neighborhood search. He was sitting in the car. He heard let's go, he went, and I didn't realize where he went. He just disappeared. He buckled himself in his car seat and was waiting. The whole neighborhood's looking for him. I'm having a heart attack. So what other ways could a child be have behaviors? What do those behaviors look like when a child's who can't communicate like another child?

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Let's say we have a family that I started before. Their child was about six years old and he was aggressive. So people would probably define him as aggressive. He would hit his parents, punch them, but it was always surrounding something like he wanted some food or he was tired, but he wasn't able to vocally communicate those things. So if you just think about like a child that is sick that has all this communication, has all this vocal language and is able to express, Mom, I'm hungry, mom, I'm tired, I want to go play outside. You won't see those types of behaviors. But if you see a child hitting their parents, it could be them trying to communicate, like, hey, listen to me, I need something. So just understanding like if your child or that specific child is unable to communicate in a way that most of us understand, it can look like aggression or just they're just hitting them for no reason. But there's always an underlying reason to being aggressive. Even though they're not being aggressive, they're trying to say hello, listen to me, look at me, hold me, hug me, something. You know, when they're, especially if they're not taught other ways to communicate effectively for themselves.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yeah. I was thinking back before we had ABA, we had the same routine every morning because I'd have to get to work every day, but we'd be trying to get out the door. And he used to kick me every morning. And I'd be like, What is going on? It's the same routine, but in his mind, it was a transition he hasn't prepared for. My son needed to know the transitions 20 minutes before the transitions were happening. And once we implemented like a timer system and a picture schedule, mornings went so smooth. It took time, but it was such a difference in the behavior. And I was like, oh, he can't tell me he wasn't ready because he wasn't prepared. It's key to find what works for your child. I didn't know what I didn't know as a parent, but he needed these time sets so that he could go from one thing to another. For parents, though, that judgment when you go out like the store, I mean, I can't tell you. People would come up and be like, your child is so bad. It was devastating to me at the time. Strangers would literally come up to us. How does a parent get past the guilt and the judgment? And how do you let go of the guilt, respond with confidence, and not hide in your house? Because that's another thing that can happen.

Real-Life Examples And Triggers

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Yeah, I definitely had a lot of parents tell me they don't go out in the stores because of that. I had a parent in an emergency room and her child was stimming, but he was happy, but he was just very loud and she got a lot of stares concerning, like, why can't they feel loud? With my moment of behavior, I try to remind them that they aren't alone, especially when you have that support system on your side and you're receiving different supports, whether it may be through a Facebook group, your family, but just knowing that there are other children and families experiencing the same thing and that they're not doing anything wrong as a parent, helping them to remind themselves, despite what other people may be saying or looking, like knowing I am doing my best for my child, and that is what matters the most. And then also trying to help them shift their mindset in those difficult moments from guilt to more curiosity, not feeling shameful in those moments, but shifting, okay, how can I help what's going on with my child versus internalizing those feelings and taking in that judgment as fact from other people because we know that's it's not a fact. They are probably ignorant to what's going on. Those moments don't really matter because what matters most is your child. Shifting the focus from other people to the most important need in this moment and reminding yourself I am doing my best, responding to their children with compassion instead of shame, like feeling that shame. Because I know that, like I said before, I feel like children really feed off of us. Even with my own child, I've been in the store, and I don't my children don't have autism, but I have been in the store with my two-year-old, and she has fallen out on the floor kicking and yelling, and I'm like, oh my gosh, just reminding myself, no, my child, she's two, she's a taller, she's having a hard time right now, and I'm doing the best that I can. I'm just gonna flush you guys out right now because at the end of the day, I'd have to go home with her, you guys don't. Just trying to really shift that perspective and the focus to our children.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

I think that's important. I think that is something learned. The more that you understand what autism is and what it looks like in your child, you get there. It does feel devastating in the moment. I think there is an acceptance when it's a toddler doing it. It looks different when they're six or seven. My son was tall for his age, so he looked even older. And it was like, why is your child doing it at this age? That's the other thing to not have expectations because your child will get it when they get it, as opposed to thinking I put them in ABA, everything's gonna go right now. I know that's an expectation of parents. Sometimes it that could happen, but every child's different.

Tools For Transitions And Routines

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Yeah, and I also teach them how to manage themselves in that moment, like emotional regulation, taking some deep breaths and saying affirmations in their head, whatever helps them regulate and calm themselves. This is the journey. This is gonna take time and consistency. It may not be a change overnight. It definitely does look different if it's a two-year-old versus a 12-year-old or even an eight-year-old. I remember being in the store and I saw this eight-year-old child in the cart. I'm not diagnosing anybody, but sometimes as professional, you can kind of tell. But his mom put he was and he was tall, pretty big built for the eight-year-old. His communication, the words he was saying, it wasn't a broad vocabulary, but he was in the cart and I can see people like eyeing her just for having him in the cart. He was like, I want to get out, man. I want to stay in. You could see the mom's facial expressions. That's where my heart goes out when I see other people looking at what I can do to help and push parents to feel more confident. Obviously, I couldn't help her in that moment because I don't really want to approach people, especially if they don't want that, but it reminded me of why I'm doing this to try to change that for parents.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

And I think education of this for the world is really important for those who are open to hearing about it and understanding it. Sometimes just a kind smile to be like, I get it. All a parent needs to feel like they're not alone. Just a kind word, like, you're okay. You got this mom or dad. I think that makes all the difference. So I'd love to talk a little bit more about the BCBA caring collaboration. What does that look like when it's healthy, especially when the child's behavior is challenging?

SPEAKER_00 13:33

I think the BCBA emphasizing to the parents that we are a team. That's what I've always done over the years is reminding them. Even though I've written this treatment plan, you 100% can tell me, no, Kia, I don't want to work on that. Kia, can we change it like this or can we slow down here? This is your therapy as well. It's for your child, but this is also for you to grow. If we as professionals just really emphasize teamwork and being honest with each other. Like if there's a goal that the parents are saying they want to work on, you just tell them, like, hey, maybe we can get to that, but then showing them our alternatives, just being flexible and open with them, not a stickler about everything, saying, Well, I know best, so we're gonna do it this way. But really reinforcing that team collaboration and and reinforcing them for doing the work at home and continuing to bring them to therapy or even just showing up little things like that, building that trust with them.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Yeah, I think that's really important. And giving the parent the high five. Just as much as we point out with the child when they're doing the right thing and they get all of that praise, it's important for parents to get the same thing. So, in that vein, how what are some realistic ways parents can reinforce the progress at home without everything turning into a homework for them, especially if they have multiple children, careers, all of that going at the same time?

Handling Judgment And Building Confidence

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Yeah, so I would always say just whatever is most important to them in this moment. If it is sticking to a schedule, they haven't developed a schedule yet for the whole family, they can incorporate a schedule for their child, especially if it needs to be visual. Go ahead and create that visual schedule or have your BCVA created. I like to create everything for my families, but creating that schedule and being consistent with that over time. Families want to tackle a bunch of things, like, oh, we need to work on his communication, or we need to learn how to tie shoes, or we want to potty training. There's so many different things, but picking one thing, maybe even for two months and focusing on that. I try to remind parents, even through my business, that change just takes time in general. For us as adults, for children, when you've been doing things a certain way and you're trying to change, it takes time and consistency. You're not gonna have it all together within the first two or three weeks. Maybe not even a month. But as long as you remain positive with a positive mindset, being consistent over time and focusing on that one goal, you'll start to see that change and maybe add on a second one and work on those two and then a third.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

So actually telling my son, he's 20 now. I was late diagnosed with ADHD, which is very interesting. I'm learning that now as a 50-year-old woman. I had my son thinking I was going to be one of these go-lucky, always fun adventure moms. My son was like, I need to know what is happening with the timer. All of a sudden, I had to figure out how to have our days timed. I didn't realize that actually helped me. I think it actually helps the whole family. I didn't know what it was that was helping me, but it really did. It was not overnight. So just the idea of communication and how this is thought of and talked about. What do you think is a way that we can shift the conversation from fixing behavior? Because even parents come in going, please, I want to bring up to the store after work when I have an emergency and not have them have a complete meltdown, right? So how do we like this fixing behavior to understanding this idea of support? Like, how do we change that narrative?

SPEAKER_00 17:06

I would say just first knowing that our children are humans and they are children first before any diagnosis. They are real people with real feelings, real emotions. Their perspective of the world and how they perceive it really needs to be valued and at the forefront of our minds to not forget that. Um, and then just learning and practicing how to be empathetic. Not a lot of people practice empathy. We have sympathy for people, but empathy is on a whole different level. You are truly seeing what's going on, you're feeling, and you want to create change for that person or help in that moment. Internalize it a little bit when you have that true empathetic heart. Acting on that empathetic heart and trying to educate yourself more about what's going on ties back into showing compassion. If you're empathetic, you can also show compassion as well. And then just knowing that behavior is a response to something's happening. Maybe you thought about something, saw something, felt something, but it's not just because there's something going on, or maybe your behavior is happening because that person likes engaging in that behavior, could like a self-simulatory behavior. So there's it's there's always a why in just knowing that it's not just because.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

I had a colleague that used to say all the time you have to be your child's best detective. That's so true. Like the colleague was just be your child's best detective. And that really helps a lot of parents switch that ideology. This is what I call the wisdom seat question. If a parent of a newly diagnosed child is listening and feels like their child's behavior is bad, what's the one message you'd want them to take to heart?

Teaming With Your BCBA

SPEAKER_00 18:47

That their child is not bad, like just plainly stated, their child is not bad. It's their only way of communication at that time. And it can be hard, it can be confusing, you're trying to figure it out, and it can be overwhelming in those moments. Like you said, being the detective for your child, knowing that their meltdown is not defiance, and that it could be a form of distress in a moment that is stressful to them if your child is older, is not being disrespectful, but maybe there's something else going on. Just remembering that your child is not against you. I've definitely heard that from parents before. They're trying to manipulate me or they're just me. I've heard that term before, but knowing that your child loves you wholeheartedly, and they are trying to let you know what's going on in their lives. It's our responsibility as parents to figure that out and help them along the way.

Sponsor And Closing

SPEAKER_01 19:41

Thank you so much. This has been absolutely incredible. Thank you for having me. I love this conversation, and thank you for listening to Around the Spectrum. Today's episode was sponsored by Social Abundance Marketing, helping ABA providers and family focused brands grow with clarity and ease. Learn more at Social Abundance Marketing.com.