Hitman (The One Where Timothy Olyphant Shaved His Head)

This week on The Worst Movie Podcast, Ade and Aaron tackle Hitman (2007) — a video game adaptation that strips away everything that made the source material interesting and replaces it with every action movie trope imaginable. Timothy Olyphant plays the world's most conspicuous assassin: bald, barcode-tattooed, wandering through train stations somehow undetected, and trembling noticeably while holding a gun. The plot — a Russian presidential body-double conspiracy so convoluted that Aaron paused mid-watch to Google it — earns its 16% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to the worst movie podcast. I'm Ade.

SPEAKER_01 0:03

And I'm Aaron, and this is a podcast where we watch the worst movies ever made in the hopes of finding a hidden gem.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Enjoy. So what what have you been watching lately?

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Uh I've still been watching Severance.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

I'm in season two now. I like it. I I you said you kind of lost track in season two, but I'm enjoying season two so far. How far into it are you? Maybe three or four episodes. Do you did you get to the one where they're on the outdoor team building thing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Yeah. That was a very weird episode.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

I like that episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

I yeah, I don't know. I I feel like if any individual episode was fine. Like I enjoyed it and I just uh it just felt too like it just kept getting more and more convoluted for me and in a way that I wasn't I mean, so much of it is like the mood you're in, I guess, too. Like I don't remember what state of mind I was in when I was watching it, but it could just be like I just wasn't interested in something really heady and just wanted to zone out and not like try to remember how this relates to this and this and what that's that's the other thing too. Like some that's a show that may be better binging because there was a big gap between season one and season two. And I only watched season one once, and I feel like yeah, some of those shows, that type of show, I'm just like it's been three years since I saw uh the you know, the pilot.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

So like and I and I'm just like you're asking me to be so invested in your show that I remember all these little details to appreciate it, and there's a lot to keep track of between like which version of them knows what about the other part's life.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Uh yeah. Yeah. And then also, I mean, in that in that episode where they did the outdoor adventure thing, spoilers, but you find out that Heli was the Audi version of her. Right. That was inside the whole time, and it's like, oh my god, now it's even more convoluted.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Uh but it kind of reminded me of of like the the Pine Barons episode of Sopranos, where it's like almost this bottle episode that's all about uh character development and stuff. That I don't know, I kind of liked it. It was weird though, but the whole show's weird.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

I just uh heard somebody talking about the Pine Barons episode, and they said Steve Buscemi directed it. Does that sound right?

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Uh yeah, I think he directed like three or four episodes in a row there, and they were like some of the best ones.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Yeah, I need to add uh Sopranos to my rewatch list. It's been it's been a while. I'm really digging rewatching Mad Men.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

I was just talking about the cigarettes and Mad Men again to Amanda because we watched uh this movie together, today's movie, and I there was a lot of smoking in it, but it was not satisfying. And I'm like, man, they really made it look good in Mad Men. Yeah. Uh I just saw a thing about the smoking in Mad Men where it's something John shared with us, but where they were talking about the clove cigarettes that they were smoking or the fake cigarettes and how they would always go out. So that's why they're puffing on them so hard in the that the the make it look really good, but they're just trying to keep it lit. Yeah. Because it would go out in between uh takes.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Did you end up watching Dave Chappelle's latest comedy special? I don't think so. I mean, we don't need to talk about his politics or his comedy or anything like that. But he's smoking the whole time, which he um he usually does in his or at least the last several ones that I've seen. But it keeps going out because he I guess he's not so long. Yeah, yeah, and he's just constantly lighting it, and there are all these pauses. And I felt like however you feel about his special, it it was just distracting, like how often he was relighting his cigarette.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Yeah, I know. Like that's that is not satisfying to watch smoking done like that. I don't know what it is, but like in Mad Men, you're just like, ah, this feels good, like it feels right. Uh, but when it's constantly going out, which is what kind of was happening in in today's movie, or or like they'd hold a cigarette but never light it. Yeah. Uh there was a lot of that. And I'm like, I just want to see them smoke it. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

I do have to say watching Betty Draper light a cigarette is like the coolest thing ever. That like she has that long cigarette. Yeah, yeah. Like it's yeah, it's a weird.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

What did you call it? Uh like a click open, but I don't I don't know what they're called.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Uh but it's not like a regular like zippo. It's like a nice long thing. Yeah. Press a button. Yeah, it's it's just so fucking elegant. We shouldn't. It's not sponsored. Kids don't smoke. Philip Morris if you're out there. Or start the podcast episode with a 10-minute uh ad to start smoking.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Uh we we're children of the 90s.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Well, what I'm watching now, or finished watching, we binge watch Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. No smoking in that. Uh there's pipe smoking.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

Is that the new uh Game of Thrones? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Uh would you call it a spin-off? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

It's I guess so. I don't know anything about it other than it seems like people have enjoyed it. It is uh wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

We loved it. Uh I watched Game of Thrones, loved Game of Thrones, uh up until the ending, which I think we've talked about. But um I did not watch a single episode of House of Dragon. Is that the first spinoff? Yeah. And when that came on, I was just like, I don't care. Uh not interested at all. Uh Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, I we gave it a try and just binged it. I think it's like seven episodes, eight episodes in the first season. And it's very one of the things I like about it, it's very contained. It's not like this, it's not like Game of Thrones at all, in that it's this like sprawling, uh following a bunch of main characters. It's just a very like one main character and and obviously some side characters and like basically one location, you know. It's not um, you know, a few brief flashbacks and stuff like that, but it's not this like it's it's this you know, follows this knight, very minor character, at least so far in the universe of Game of Thrones. It's not this like who's gonna be king and you know, all this shit where it's like lore and all that stuff. It's just this like knight who's trying to win a contest. And um really really funny, really just I don't know, good good pacing and dialogue and character development and all that stuff. So highly recommend it.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Yeah, I've been kind of toying the idea of watching it, but I forced myself to watch the Targaryen spinoff. House of Dragon. Yeah. Yeah, I did not enjoy it. I was so confused too, because they I can't remember at what point, but they basically jumped in the timeline and they completely switch actresses and act like actors for characters that you've been following along with. And okay, like they did a really great job of it, but I'm like, I was so confused, I'm like, are these different people now? Or like I was lost in the timeline.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

So that's it's a little funny because I had this thought watching our movie for today. As you know, I was in bed for like five days with COVID, and I watched this movie during during that. So I was having I didn't see another human being for like four or five days. Uh and uh, you know, it was it was it was a rough time. But anyway, yeah, I had a lot of like weird meandering thoughts. And one of the thoughts I had, because they have uh a Ruby Today hitman, they have some flashbacks to when he's a kid, and um I was even debating whether to bring this up because I don't know how to like say this coherently, but I think most of my life I've been skewed by movies where they show one actor as a younger person and another actor as the adult, and been like, yeah, it's normal for an adult to look very different from being a kid to an adult. And like I feel like I'm always surprised in real life when I'm like, oh yeah, he he or she just looks like they did when they're a kid.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

And it's taken decades for me to be like, no, I think that's the norm. I think movies are the are the fiction.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Yeah. Well, they are the fiction. And you're right, there is a hard way. There is no easy way to make that sound coherent.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

That's my COVID brain be like, huh. I guess people do keep looking the same as they get old.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

They're just bigger, older versions of themselves.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Maybe gain a little weight, different different hair styles. Yeah. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

I'm sure that's riveting listening for I'm glad this you learned something from this movie.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

If you don't take anything else away from it, there's that.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

Yeah, forgive me if uh as as we go through this, I I uh my COVID brain you know affected my memory. Yeah, as we're not much.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

There's not much to remember from this movie.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

Yeah, that's true. Well, let's get into it. Uh Hitman from 2007, based on the popular video game series, the writer Skip Woods, wrote the movie Swordfish, Wolverine movie, the A-Team uh movie, and also wrote the reboot of this movie uh about 10 years later. Uh none of those are good movies, right? Uh no, Swordfish um may make make our list at some point for for this podcast. Uh which Wolverine movie? It was uh X-Men Origins Wolverine.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

Oh, I think that was hated. I think that was not a well-received one.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

Yeah. Um I thought it was really weird that he I mean, this so this movie made about a hundred million in the box office, uh, 24 million budget, so successful, um, but not critically reviewed well, 16%. Uh I thought it was really funny that they hired him to just rewrite it uh for the rebid. You you want another try? They're like, you know the you know the IP well. Um so yeah. Um well I mean if you make a career just after watching this movie, I'm not sure he knows the IP that well. Yeah, Wolverine was uh 37% Rotten Tomatoes. I don't really remember that one very well. Is that the one where yeah, I don't know. I I that had Ryan Reynolds' Deadpool. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Yeah, that doesn't narrow it down too much for me, but um I mean it was the first it was the first time he played Deadpool where he was nothing like the Deadpool that was in the Marvel movies later. Yes. Uh that was the one. His mouth zoned shut and Yep, I remember that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Uh this movie starred Timothy Oliphant and Olga Kirilenko. Um and yeah, I don't had you seen this movie before?

SPEAKER_01 12:08

I don't think so. It's possible though. It's a very forgettable movie, and it was a long time ago. Uh so I didn't remember it, but it seems like a movie I could have seen.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Did you play the game or did you have any relationship with the series?

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Yeah, I I I played I mean it was probably around like 2002 or 3 that I played whatever the latest one was then. Yeah. And then I definitely played the one that was on PlayStation 4. Uh I don't remember the name of it, but I've played a few of them.

unknown 12:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:43

Over the years.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

You? I've I don't think I've ever played the game. I I I've I've seen I mean the the cover is iconic, the bald uh back of his head and the barcode. And I feel like yeah, I've I I don't know. I've seen that so many times that I was like, oh, I'm familiar with Hitman, but as I actually like sat down to think about it a little bit more, I don't think I've I've played a single frame of of the game.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Yeah, I don't I don't claim to be an expert or anything on the character. I do I'm familiar with it, but this movie was not hitman to me at all.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Well, do you want to give a synopsis? I I have my I guess lay person from a far understanding of the game, but do you want to give it like a synopsis of the game in the movie?

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Yeah, so the character is Agent 47, that's the hitman. Um and he's basically a genetically engineered assassin that is sent out on these missions, and he's just like a stone cold killer. The plot of the movie is that he gets double-crossed while he's on this mission to kill the Russian president, and he kills the president, but then it goes bad, and and uh there's this kind of conspiracy where they're using body doubles to replace the president, and uh there's a hit out that's put on him, Agent 47, and so he's trying to unravel this uh conspiracy uh while he's being pursued by both FSB and Interpol.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

The game, isn't it, like a very like stealth, like the whole point is to like it's not a very action-y game, right? Or I mean it's action-y, but it's like you know, I don't know, try to try to kill people as sneakily as possible. It's not like it's not like Doom where it's just like run into a room and shoot everything that moves.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

It is very stealth-based and like um disguise, you use a lot of disguises and like you watch patterns and and try to find ways in. And you're also very heavily penalized if you kill non-targets. Like you're there to kill one person, and you're not supposed to kill guards or innocents or anything like that. And there's like 99% of this movie is him killing innocent guards and people, and yeah, just yeah, just killing everything that moves, sort of thing. Yeah, yeah. Uh and he's I feel like um in the games, the character is super intimidating. Like he's this big guy uh that's just kind of this ruthless killer. And Timothy Oliphant is like this smaller baby-faced guy that I don't know, he he just was all wrong. I was expecting him to be like Terminator from Terminator 1, where he's just like this terrifying ruthless killer, and he was like this sensitive baby-faced assassin, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

That so mis miscast.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

Yeah, yeah. I w I was not a fan.

SPEAKER_00 15:51

Well, the only piece of background I've found was that uh Vin Diesel was supposed to originally be the star of this, and so by the look on your face, uh I think also wrong, but closer. Who would you cast in this movie?

SPEAKER_01 16:08

I don't know. I don't know who I I'm I'm not in casting in Hollywood, but I'm sure there's somebody out there. Well, if you're gonna complain about it, you should have their solution.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

I mean, that that to me was the right idea for that this character. He doesn't talk a lot in the game, which doesn't make for a good movie.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Uh well, I mean that that goes to the broader topic I think we've already covered, which is like a lot of video games shouldn't be movies. Like yeah, it's a completely different genre.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Yeah. Um, so I don't know. It was just there was too there was way too much plot in this movie as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

I don't know how you felt about it.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Uh yeah, let's uh we'll get to that in a second. But since we're talking about Timothy Elephant, like what's your relationship? Do you like him as an actor? Uh what do you think about him?

SPEAKER_01 17:02

I like him. I don't love him. Uh he's been in things I like, but every time I see him, I'm like, oh, it's Timothy Oliphant. Like Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Uh he was briefly in The Mandalorian. I thought he was kind of cool in that. He was in the office. I don't know if you remember that. Briefly.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

I remember that, no.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

I mean, he's been in things I like and I've liked him in them, but but not on your not under your top ten lists or anything like that.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

No, he's not like uh Gary Oldman or anything where he like disappears into the roles he plays. He's just kind of always Timothy Oliphant to me.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

I think he's a little curious to me because if you if you would ask me before I watched this movie, I would have been like, yeah, I I really like Timothy Elephant, he's great. Um I mean uh it was not not because of this movie. Everybody can have a bad movie. But yeah, I was but in preparing for this, I was like, oh, let let me find my favorite Timothy Elephant movies. And I'm looking through his IMDB and I'm like, wait a second, he really hasn't had a leading, like he's not a leading man. I would have thought like he's been like the leading man in a bunch of movies. Rom coms or something like that. Rom coms to action to, you know, I thought broad. But like in terms of movies where he's the headliner, like the face on the cover. Yeah, like it's this and maybe one or two others. Um there are like some rom-coms and stuff like that from before, you know, from before this, like uh the 90s and stuff. But uh he's really not, I mean, he's in a lot of stuff, but just as like fourth or fifth billing, uh, and then I think really only came to prominence because of Justified. Like maybe that's first where I learned his name. Yeah. And I didn't even really watch all of Justified. Uh but yeah, it's it's kind of weird that he didn't catch, I guess, crack into you know, leading man, you know, slipstream.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

Yeah. I I don't know. I think he's maybe just not a great actor. Okay. Uh that's my take on it. Uh he was not good in this.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

I don't how did you feel about him in this? Well, no. I I mean, I don't I don't know how to I I didn't have any baseline expectation for what the hitman character should be because of the video game. Uh this He has like one face. Yeah, this is one of those movies where it's just such a bad movie that it's hard to be like, oh, this uh nobody really shown through in this in this movie. Um because I mean the dialogue's terrible and uh it's just hard to separate that. But yeah, he did feel very I could he felt very wooden in this, and I couldn't tell if it was because that's what the character's supposed to be, or that's just how he is.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Yeah. It seemed like they were trying to write in moments for him to not be so wooden. There was a a kind of borderline love interest throughout the yeah, let's get to that, but the plot. But um, yeah, it seemed like there were moments where he could have done something, but uh yeah, it was very flat. Uh I don't know though that like the actor has much range beyond that because he's not that much different from that in everything else I've seen him in. Like he's he's kind of just cool monotone guy with the squinty eye and thin mouth.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Yeah. And he has kind of a unique walk too. That I first I was like, I was like, that's the I like how how how is that so recognizable to me? Like, I feel like I haven't seen him in so much that I'm like, I could recognize Timothy Elephant some more from just a silhouette, but um, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it was uh do you think it could be a good hitman? No, I can't keep a secret. You'd just be like, oh, I'm the guy who killed the Russian president.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

I'd be like, Oh, I want credit. Yeah. I mean, maybe people in the underworld would know that'd be like code name 47, you know, yeah, whatever your whatever your code name would be.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

That's not enough for me.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

I need the world's praise. Yeah. Uh I think I'd make an excellent hitman. Uh I think you would too. I just love I I love the hitman genre too. Do you get into that?

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Yeah, I like that stuff. Like John Wick and and that type of stuff.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Yeah. And even like the more mundane, like the um the Michael Fassbender one that uh Steven Soderberg directed. I didn't think it was a great movie.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

But I love the like like the the mundane life of the hitman. Yeah. I feel like I could get into really get into the like, let me prep for 20 hours of just like uh scoping out the front of the hotel room from this like really drabbed apartment and make sure that like my machinery is all in place, my exit strategy, and like think through all that like all that detail. Uh yeah, I think I'd get into.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

Well, that's kind of what the hitman game is a lot of. Like it's a lot of just kind of waiting around and disguising yourself as a waiter or and like watching patterns and and finding the gap. Yeah. Uh yeah. I I like that. I thought I loved the scene in that Michael Fossbinder one where he's like he's in some construction site across from where he his target is, and he's just like sleeping over there all day waiting for the right time. And like this is kind of cool just to see the the process of setting up for the hit. Yeah. Yeah, I kind of I kind of like that. Did you watch the uh Eddie Redmain Day of the Jackal?

SPEAKER_00 23:22

That was actually my uh one of my alternate picks, one of my two alternate picks. Uh did you watch that? Yeah. I don't think we've talked about that. Uh I love it.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

I thought that's it.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

Um highly, highly recommend. Uh I re I actually just looked uh recently to see if they've started shooting the second season of that, but I couldn't find any information about it.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah, I don't know if it if it was watched by a lot of people. I haven't really heard much about it.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

No, I think it was I mean it's kind of that age of it's it was on Peacock, right? Um so like a secondary streamer and I think kind of a lot of hype when it first came out, but I I think it's one of those things where um yeah, probably not enough reach. Disappear and we'll never see it again. Yeah, hopefully not. Um yeah, I I love I love a good hitman movie. There's something about it that like the payoff of all I mean, even though it's evil, I guess, uh the payoff for all the preparation and um I guess like doing a job perfectly and thinking through like I maybe there's getting a little too excited about nobody's I've covered my tracks well. Um but yeah, I think there's a cerebral aspect of it of like being able to think ahead of you know the the cops or Interpol in this case and thinking of every contingency and all that and like just the payoff of that. You know, it's a bit of a heisty thing. Uh this movie did not feel like it had that pay. I mean, they tried to set it up like he was thinking ahead of every like he'd planned this all out ahead of time and with like the whole thing with the key, like he dropped this key at the beginning that like was opened this door that at the one of the final scenes, like the Interpol agent is like trying to rush the door and then realizes that this key unlocks this door, and he like planned this whole intricate thing the whole time. Yeah. And there was no payoff to your point because it was like, wait, what is happening? What is the plot? And like not only is it hard to comprehend the plot as you watch the movie, but just to like the suspension of belief that like somebody would have thought, oh, this is how everything's going to unfold and all the randomness and like chaos. Uh it's just like, okay, this is even laughable that he planned this.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Yeah. This movie is only an hour and 39 minutes long. It felt like two and a half. And I I had to pause for like at least 15 or 20 minutes to look up the plot midway through because I'm like, I don't understand what these scenes are even about. I'm so confused. Uh my understanding of the plot is that somebody in the FSB conspired with one of the president's look-alikes to get a hit out on the president, and all anyone else that could uh have assumed the presidency, and then the look-alike was then yeah, would come out later and be like, oh, I'm fine, I wasn't actually assassinated, and then they would be he would become the president. Right. And uh Hitman, Agent 47, was uncovering this plot while he was being pursued by Interpol for the assassination. Yeah. Uh, which they were convinced had happened.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

Yeah, I think Okay, before you go further, let's let's dissect what you said so far.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Uh yeah, the hitman's like, I definitely like I I looked through the scope and I shot him through him die. Yeah, he died. And then the presidents on TV in pocket. And yeah, so the whole thing hinges on first of all, I don't know, the idea of look-alikes, which is such a movie thing. Well, she did say like Saddam has, and he did have body doubles. Have you looked at any of the pictures of Saddam's body? I I I I mean not saying I have like 20-something years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's it's been a while, but I guess my my first question is like, is it do we have the technology to make a look alike that would pass even just a cursory test of I'm looking at your picture on Instagram or you know, the news headline, somebody that that you know, that that prominent is gonna be on TV.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

I mean, literally the president of the country could uh being replaced by someone who just looks alike.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that would that would cause chaos in the world if if you really could just like go get some you know outpatient surgery or whatever, and like uh because the the look-alike talks about like he had to do some jaw surgery or something like that, right? Yeah, yeah. Um but like yeah, I mean that would just that would be insane if I could just be like, okay, I want to look like Jeff Bezos now. And I mean, I guess there has to be some baseline, we look a little bit similar. Um, but yeah, if you could just like create look-alikes, that's that would be insane. Yeah. And then the whole premise is that they look alike enough that the general public could see him on TV and the cabinet and the you know, everybody that the president operates or like interacts with works with day to day. But there are three people on the planet that are so close to him, his brother, his girlfriend, and the hitman. Well, the hitman would know he saw somebody die. Okay, so who would believe the hit uh so like I'm like, hey guys, I you've known me as the co-host of the worst movie podcast, but I'm really this notorious hitman who's been going all over the world toppling regimes. And I just want to tell you, I shot the Ethiopian president, uh and he didn't die, but I'm telling you, he did die. I saw him.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

Like Well, that's a clip.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

Clip that clip that. Uh that's evidence. What cop or Interpol person would be like, all right, you're coming in. Yeah. We don't have a body, we don't have a, you know. Uh like it just didn't make any sense that it's gonna he's this threat.

SPEAKER_01 30:13

Well, I think though they like nobody did believe him because it was one Interpol agent that was like, I see arterial spray in the footage of the shot. I think he's dead, and they're pretending that he's fine. I'm gonna try to find out what's going on. So he was like after the hitman. Uh, but even his own bosses were like, You've overstepped your bounds.

SPEAKER_00 30:39

This is like he said, uh, I mean, can we talk about the cops for a little bit? Like the Interpol agent guy. I mean, uh, it's it's such by the way, I felt like every single action movie trope was thrown into this movie and and just taken to extremes. So this is the like cop who like it starts out, he's like, This this hitman exists. He's been like killing all over the world, and um, nobody else believes that this guy exists or that it's one guy, and he's just like, I know, based on no real evidence. Um and uh yeah, like you said, nobody in his organization believes this, but he's just spending years of his life and his career. Like, I don't know what his performance reviews are like, or like how are you gonna bring up HR again? Yeah, yeah, I just I just did. Uh yeah, apparently just you're just given all this leeway to like go all over the world hunting for this, you know, uh I don't know, phantom. Ghost? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:46

I mean, that's what they they call it, and they call it a ghost mission if you can go the whole mission in the game without being detected. Yeah. Which is like the idea of a hitman mission.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

But uh how awesome would that be? I mean, I I would if this if this was any close to realistic, like I would sign up to be an Interpol agent because you can just be like, like, I'm going to travel to you know, France this week and you know, Australia next week.

SPEAKER_01 32:18

And I'm convinced that there's one guy out there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

We just yeah, we just have to go all over the world looking for.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

I think he's in Monaco.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

I think he might you just follow the F1 schedule. Like, I think this guy's a an avid F1 fan, and uh have to go to every race and look for him.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Yeah, that's the F1 killer. I mean, we gotta find him.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Yeah. Do you know that Interpol agents actually aren't even a thing? Uh what what is Interpol? I mean, it Interpol exists, but it's basically just an organization that contracts out locals. Well, uh there's no Interpol doesn't have any jurisdiction everywhere and anywhere. They just like are an information gathering and like sharing organization to like help. But the whole the whole idea of like some agent on the ground that's like flashing a badge and like I'm Interpol, let me into the crime scene, doesn't exist. They would just share information with the local police or you know.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

Yeah. Is this based on your own personal experience with Interpol?

SPEAKER_00 33:24

No, after watching this movie, I mean I like I said I had nothing to do for a week.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

And so I was while you were out on a on a mission, on a contract?

SPEAKER_00 33:33

Uh no comments. Is this your cover? Yeah. Uh yeah, I was just like, I want to understand a little bit more about Interpol because there's so much in this movie that I'm like, there's no way this is anywhere close to reality. So I just want like a basic understanding. It's basically people in an office in Paris, I think is where it's based. Uh and like sharing information, maintaining a database.

SPEAKER_01 34:00

That makes sense. What was I just watching? I was just watching something that's like there's no international law. I don't know what's cut this. I don't know. I just was watching something, and there was somebody that's going on this rant about how there's no international law. Like you can't apply, you can't tell somebody else what laws apply to them, uh, like another sovereign country. Uh but I'm never going to remember what I saw that in, and so this is a useless anecdote.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

Well, uh, yeah, I mean, if maybe not even true. If anyone's picking up legal advice from from a bad movie podcast, that's probably not uh smart anyway. Yeah, that's their own fault. Um, yeah, okay, so let's go back to the plot. So much doesn't make sense. The love interest, which you talked about. So uh the president's girlfriend gets roped into this, and Timothy Oliphant ki kidnaps her, and then they're working together. Uh so I didn't understand any of really her plot line beyond the fact that like she was a threat because she was so close to the president that she would tell the public that the body double is not actually the president.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

Yeah, I think that he brought her along to help prove that the president was actually dead. I don't know. Yeah, I don't I don't know what his plan was. I don't know why have that back. Other than her being like, no, he's definitely dead. Like, where's the proof?

SPEAKER_00 35:43

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

There is no smoking gun in this movie to to prove I mean it's not even proving his innocence, he's proving he actually killed the right person. That's what he's trying to do.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Yeah, exactly. Why why why would he go to the cops and say, I I actually murdered this? Like you're you like the trade-off is life in prison or the death penalty.

unknown 36:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

Like you kill him.

SPEAKER_01 36:07

He just wants to prove he's not a bad hitman.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

To who? To the cops. I mean, the cops aren't hiring him. I don't know. It doesn't it doesn't make any sense that he would care. Like, he's the perfect person to know the truth because you're like, you would never come forward. Like, why there's you have more to lose than we do. Nobody's going to believe that.

SPEAKER_02 36:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Uh, and even if you prove it, yeah, you're you're gonna get executed for like killing a head of state. Like, I I don't know what the death penalty's like in Russia, but I'm guessing if you kill the the president of Russia, you're not, you know, you're not going to to a uh uh you know minimum security prison. You're going to pat me in the ass prison at the least.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Yeah. The person who hired him knows he did a good job. Yeah. That's what matters, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:59

Yeah, because it's the body double that hired him and and they know that the president died.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

Yeah. So what's the problem? I guess he's mad that they also put a hit on him.

SPEAKER_00 37:10

What about all the like whoever grabbed the body and like took it to the hospital? And I I mean, I feel like so many.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

Lots of people know.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

Yeah, lots of people know.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

There were so many witnesses.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

Yeah, and then yeah, and his girlfriend is not even, it's not even like it's the secret girlfriend that's like she's a a a prostitute, right? Or I don't know, she's at least like so she calls herself a whore. Yeah, nobody would even there's not even every any evidence that she had a relationship with the president.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

So like it's not like his wife coming out and being like, you know, he's dead. This is not my husband.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:52

Everyone's gonna be like, Well anyway. There's no built-in uh trust uh in that relationship with the public.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

So you have a prostitute, a hitman, and then his brother, who's this arms dealer who doesn't even really seem to have a clue.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

Is that Desmond from Lost?

SPEAKER_00 38:09

Yeah. Uh brother. And then they try to make a try to make it a love story. Like, like, why does she like him all of a sudden? I it doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

That's exactly what Amanda said.

SPEAKER_00 38:25

Like he's she spends the first half of the movie in the trunk of Timothy Olifan's car, and then basically a couple scenes later, she's all over him.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Which I do have to say leads to Maybe it was like a self-preservation thing, like she's using the only tool she thinks she has.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

Maybe. What's that uh syndrome or whatever where you fall in love with your kidnappers?

SPEAKER_01 38:48

Stockholm syndrome.

SPEAKER_00 38:49

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um it did lead to my favorite scene in the movie, which is uh when they're in the hotel room and she's completely naked, grinding on him, and he's just like, no, no, and then breaks out a syringe and like sedates her, uh, so he doesn't have to sleep with her, which I don't think I've seen that in a movie before. Like, that is that was no lady. That's genuinely hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 39:19

Yeah. Like, that's the type of thing that I would have expected more of from the game because like he was he that's what you do to the guards. You choke them out and you hide their bodies, you take their uniforms. Yeah, he was killing everyone. Uh, and then yeah, I was expecting a lot more syringes in the neck and choking people out than we got. That was kind of the only there was another instance of it where he choked somebody or where he drugged somebody.

SPEAKER_00 39:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:48

The FSB agent in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

I didn't get at all that he was an agent of disguise or anything like that. He uh, which I I felt the opposite. There, I mean, there was a big scene where they're at the train station, and I'm like, it's the fucking bald guy with a barcode on the back of his head walking around. Like he sticks out from such a distance.

SPEAKER_01 40:12

That's kind of true in the game, though, too. That's not uh that's part of the IP, I think. It's the giant tall guy that looks like a hitman with the barcode on his neck.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

I mean, I guess, yeah, it just doesn't, it's not gonna translate well to a movie, but there's so many times where they're looking for him and it's like he's the only one that stands.

SPEAKER_01 40:35

I mean, they could at least like maybe made it like added more extras that were bald or looked kind of like him, but well, they did have that um other agent that was following around though he kind of triggers the Interpol agents into thinking that it was him.

SPEAKER_00 40:53

But he's also a bad guy, too. I mean, they they I mean they should have shot both of them.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

Yeah. Yes. What did you think of the four-agent katana fight on the train? Boring. I don't know. What did you think?

SPEAKER_00 41:09

I mean, it's another instance. Was that yeah, it was uh our last movie, Doom, where it's like, I have a gun pointed at you, but hey, let's let's do this with honor. Yeah, I'll do this with honor and like fight with blades. Uh I just be like, uh no.

SPEAKER_01 41:24

Yeah, as soon as everybody drops their guns, just shoot them all.

SPEAKER_00 41:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:28

Yeah. I don't I don't know. You're a hitman just kill kill the person.

SPEAKER_00 41:34

I didn't I didn't understand. I mean, we don't have let's let's stop talking about the plot, but like who who were those guys? They're like it's this order of hitmen that are all I guess they're all uh I didn't get, by the way, that they were genetically engineered. Was that supposed to be the case in the movie?

SPEAKER_01 41:51

Yeah, well they're like I it kind of showed it in the intro credits, like them being in a lab kind of being created from birth to be these killers.

SPEAKER_00 42:05

I took it as like a Jason Bourne situation that these are all like orphans or whatever that are just like trained at an early age to think like Hitman and yada yada yada. Yeah. I mean it doesn't matter. Like doesn't matter. He he didn't do anything that seemed like he had superpowers or like was really uh yeah, I mean it wasn't like even like the blade fight that they were like, you know, super strong or fast or whatever. It didn't didn't seem like he had like super good aim or anything. Like nothing when nothing was like, oh yeah, this this guy's like badass, you know, compared to your regular hitman.

SPEAKER_01 42:51

And so in the game, I just looked it up there, they're genetically engineered clone hitmen. Oh uh so that's part of it. But yeah, to your point about him not seeming that like special, there were several times where he's holding a gun and his hand is trembling and it's so distracting to me. Like he because the gun's in shot in frame, yeah, and it's like the reflections on it are trembling, and I'm like, he seems nervous in the scene that he's supposed to seem intimidating. Yeah. Uh it was just uh it was not the right feel for the character.

SPEAKER_00 43:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

He was he was kind of uh pathetic.

SPEAKER_00 43:35

I thought I thought the this movie would be obsolete today with today's surveillance tech. Like pretty, pretty early on, like the Interpol guy was like, You got a picture of him? And like, you know, this this ghost that's been wandering the world. And um yeah, today I'd just be like, Yeah, he walked. He's like again, he's he sticks, he stands out and he's he doesn't seem stalt at all. He's Just like walking through the hotel lobbies and all and train stations and all and I mean all places where today you'd get clear, high-definition video of who's you know who he is.

SPEAKER_01 44:12

Well, like a big part of the game too is avoiding surveillance and cameras and like shutting power off. And there was really none of that in this. Yeah, I didn't get that. The only part that seemed like maybe that was being built in was when the other bald agent was chasing him through the train station, and Amanda was like, You could have shot him ten times. They're in the subway alone. I was like, maybe they're worried about cameras, but they didn't say that's why he didn't. I don't know. It was bad. It was so bad.

SPEAKER_00 44:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:47

One of the movies of all time.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

Yes, this was. I have a few more notes. Um, this was maybe my COVID brain, but uh watching this, I was like, do I actually know what a Russian accent sounds like?

SPEAKER_01 45:04

The accents were so bad in this movie.

SPEAKER_00 45:07

So we have uh Desmond, I forget his real uh Desmond from Lost playing a Russian guy. He's Scottish in real life. Yeah. Uh the Russian president and his clone, they're Danish. I mean, it's the same actor, Danish. Uh, then we have the FSB agent, um, who's from Ohio. And then yeah, we have the which he looks super, you know, uh, you know, Eastern European.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

And I think he looks like Tim Roth to me.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

Yeah, he was uh oh, what was he was in Prison Break. I don't know if you remember that show from like a long time ago. That's that's what I never watched it, but I remember it. Yeah. Um and then we have the the general, the Russian general, who's also an American. I I can figure out where spit but anyway, all these all these uh actors who uh you know uh kudos to them.

SPEAKER_01 46:02

Um but probably not better than I could do.

SPEAKER_00 46:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But probably not um, you know, I'm guessing there wasn't a budget or even interest um in the production of this movie to send all the all these all these actors to like uh you know boot camp for Russian accents. But anyway, they all sounded different.

SPEAKER_01 46:20

And what was the CIA guy at the end? Did you you remember his CIA guy that stopped them and allowed yeah? It was he was supposed to be American, but it was it didn't say something else.

SPEAKER_00 46:35

Yeah. Uh but I was I was just like, and and even uh Olga, um, I think she's French Ukrainian, and um she seems like she would have the most authentic accent, but it didn't sound very I don't know, they all the accents sounded different, and like Russia's a big place. All over the place. Yeah, and and I was like, well, is it like an American you know, there's no one American accent, obviously, and we all understand like, oh, this, you know, this guy's from the south, and this guy's from, you know, more like California surfer accent versus Boston accent. And I'm guessing like Russia's kind of like that, you know. Gotta be. I mean, it's gotta be. Yeah. This is this is super intelligent stuff. But I was like, were are they all representing like different areas of Russia, or is it just like these are all bad? And I yeah, I was just like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

They were just all bad accents.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

Yeah, I don't know that I've watched like original Russian content uh to actually know what a Russian accent sounds like.

SPEAKER_01 47:38

Yeah. Same. I mean, my my impression of a Russian accent is uh fucking what's his name that played Hagrid from GoldenEye. How's that for uh this makes no sense?

SPEAKER_00 47:58

Yeah uh yeah, I mean Bond movies is probab is probably where I I know my Russian accents from the most.

SPEAKER_01 48:08

So which this this movie was trying to be a Bond movie so hard at times, and it was also trying to be the matrix. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:19

And Jason Bourne and uh John Wick before John Wick. Yeah, it was every every action movie trope. Uh I felt like the dialogue was probably ripped right out of the cutscenes from the game. Like it was it was some of the worst dialogue I think we've watched in uh one of these movies.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

I mean, they almost shot for shot ripped off the lobby fight scene from The Matrix. Yeah. At the when he was killing Desmond. Yeah. Do you remember that?

SPEAKER_00 48:52

Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:53

I'm like, Desmond and the Silk Room.

SPEAKER_00 48:56

I mean, it was it was such a I don't know, it was it was uh your classic trope of arms dealer bad guy partying with a bunch of like coke on the table, yeah, half naked women, cards everywhere, yeah, and then just like shooting, you know, shooting them all up. Uh yeah, yeah, it was it was just terrible. It was like not well executed at all. Yeah. Um, and just ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01 49:24

Like, there's no way that's how the hitman planned it to go.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

Yeah. Yeah. And not like ridiculous in an over top, like over the top, this is fun way. It was just like, yeah, I don't know, it was bad.

SPEAKER_01 49:36

Yeah, it was eye-rollingly like, why more of this?

SPEAKER_00 49:41

Yeah. I think my last note maybe is uh so at the end, there's a funeral and a big showdown at the funeral. And then is it the the general? Anyway, the plan by the police is if something happens, uh, if the hitman shows up, we're going to gas the civilians so they don't get in the way and they they'll be safe. Yeah, like somebody asks, like, there are all these civilians here, what happens? Yeah, and he's like, Yeah, we have a plan for that. We're gonna gas this a bit. What? There's there's people here. But no, the that's the plan to keep them safe, is to gas them so they don't like start running in the way of bullets. Uh yeah, I mean, that's just bad to say that anybody would write this, it like to think that like why even add this to the movie?

SPEAKER_01 50:48

Yeah, I don't know. It it is insane. Uh the the writing, the everything about this movie is so bad. The plot makes no sense, the dialogue is bad. Yeah, the performances are sketch at best.

SPEAKER_00 51:02

But this really bothered me because I'm like, this is not even like this doesn't make sense in that universe for like some for an official to do that.

SPEAKER_01 51:10

And it's not like it's supposed to be real police. I mean, can you imagine if like uh yeah, tomorrow is that's gotta be like plan F or H. So like somewhere down, there's gotta be fifth, sixth, seventh option when it comes to best ways to handle this.

SPEAKER_00 51:32

Yeah, if you just find out there's some like, I don't know, big event and they gassed all the like attendees of this event.

SPEAKER_01 51:39

Yeah, if the hitman shows up, nuke the city. We got him.

SPEAKER_00 51:48

Oh, I mean, maybe not maybe not so far fetched. Uh, we've got people using lasers to shoot down party balloons and stuff in our government. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

Yeah, who knows? Yeah, could happen.

SPEAKER_00 52:04

Oh, could happen. Um, you have anything else?

SPEAKER_01 52:07

No, I don't think so. What what are your alternate picks? I don't know. Like I I just want to say John Wick. Uh maybe collateral. There was kind of a hitman movie that I liked. Yeah, that's a good hitman movie.

SPEAKER_00 52:21

Yeah, let's go with collateral. Uh I had I had two picks, Day of the Jackal, we already talked about, and then I just have to shout out my favorite hitman movie of all time. One of my favorite movies, uh Leon the Professional. Yeah, it's um You creep. What?

SPEAKER_01 52:37

You creep.

SPEAKER_00 52:42

That's got Gary Oldman in it too, doesn't it? It does have Gary Oldman. Uh I mean this movie doesn't have Hitman doesn't have Gary Oldman.

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Right. We were talking about him earlier.

SPEAKER_00 52:50

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Gary Oldman has, I mean, just iconic performance. This is the one where he says everyone. Yeah the meme from that, but I that scene is just like I don't know. I could watch that scene every day. Uh I'm not a creep for love and I it it does feel a little I have rewatched it recently and it feels like a little you know on the edge. Shouldn't age well um yeah, of not aging well, but I think like just squeaks through. Um in my in my expert opinion. Uh it's just uh the director um is probably mad. Yeah, so that makes it even worse and maybe like flips it over the edge. Like if you didn't.

SPEAKER_01 53:32

Because it's real life creep, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:34

Not movie creep. Right. Um, but it it is I I don't know. I I love the movie. Um such a great movie. Who was the director on that again? Luke Bisson. Yeah, great, great segue. Great note to to end the podcast on. Let's can we talk about some more Me Too stuff? Um like uh yeah, I I don't know. I mean it's we can we can have conversations about I guess the the art versus the artist, but uh That's too serious for this podcast. I I also still love the fifth element, which he also did.

SPEAKER_01 54:13

So I didn't know he did that too, and I like that movie. I like Leon too, so thanks. You just want to give me shit about it. I like the Beatles too. Don't necessarily like everything they did in their personal lives. Uh are they have they been cancelled? Well, John Lennon was a notorious uh abuser.

SPEAKER_00 54:35

I don't know much about the Beatles.

SPEAKER_01 54:36

Eric Clapton's a racist. Yeah, I'll I'll stop listening to his music.

SPEAKER_00 54:43

Yeah. Done.

SPEAKER_02 54:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:50

I don't know if we've established this on the podcast, but you don't you're not that into popular or classic, classic uh music.

SPEAKER_00 54:59

Uh classical music? No, like classic rock. Classic rock, yeah. Yeah, I just feel like yeah, I mean it's a lot of it's fine. I just I just don't uh I just didn't grow up listening to a lot of it. So I feel like a lot of times when you might I I yeah, I don't know. I I'm just I have a great memory and like frame of reference of like you name a movie, I I can like name the actor or whatever, but like when it comes to pop culture, music, like that's I'm gonna don't put me on your trivia team. Like right now, if you're like name a single Eric Clapton song, I'm like a thousand dollars, I couldn't tell you a single one. Yeah. What did you listen to growing up, like in your house? I mean, I listen to hip hop and rap and electronic music, and I mean that's still like the staple of what I listen to now. But even in general, I'm not like I'm not like super deep on the trivia of it. So like I'll just like listen to you know, the radio back then or like you know, Spotify playlists and stuff like that now. And like I I mean my favorite artists, like I know stuff about them and like read about them. But in general, if you're like, you know, who did this song or like name, I don't know, like name a bunch of like songs by you know Biggie or something like that, I'd be like, uh, juicy. And then I don't know, like I like it's it's not the tip of my tongue the way it is, you know, yeah. Other other trivia. So uh so then then when you get to like stations or like genres that I don't listen to, I'm just like fucking if I know who uh Credence Clearwater Revival is. Oh my god. That actually hurt me. You saw how I even stumbled on the name. Yeah, no, I was like, don't say this. I'm not saying they're bad. Like if you played something, I'd be like, oh yeah, like uh I recognize that.

SPEAKER_01 57:02

You're just into genres of music that weren't necessarily mainstream.

SPEAKER_00 57:06

Uh yeah, or at least not, I mean, or a different mainstream. I don't know. Like I like I listen to.

SPEAKER_01 57:12

I guess hip hop is was mainstream.

SPEAKER_00 57:14

Yeah, I I listened to like a top, you know, I don't know, like MC Hammer and shit.

SPEAKER_01 57:18

Like I don't know, like stuff that was number one, but you know, not on were you listening to it at the time it was like the popular new music, or did you like listen to old did you ever listen to older music like when you were growing up?

SPEAKER_00 57:31

Well well both. So I mean this is I mean, yes, I was listening to pop music while it was popular, so I wasn't listening to like uh MC Hammer when it was not popular. Like you weren't like listening to the temptations or uh but no no so I was gonna say like I did listen to the oldies station when I so I did listen to like 60s, but yeah, more like uh yeah, more I guess soul music than like you know the classic rock stuff. Um or like and like some old you know, like I don't know, American Pie and uh you know like some of the like the popular on the lane classic.

SPEAKER_01 58:14

You knew that though.

SPEAKER_00 58:16

Uh yes. Uh so I don't know. Yeah, it was it was a weird mix of things. So well now that's established. That's established. Uh if you have questions, comments, thoughts email. Our segue have not improved. No shoot us an email at the worst moviepodcast at gmail.com. Please like, subscribe, all that stuff. I'm Ade. I'm Aaron.

SPEAKER_01 58:51

Thanks for listening to the worst movie podcast.