We're back Tarts! Coco's return | Aunt Bessie's Hole | Shagging Parents

Coco and Queera Lynn are back for series 3 you tarts! 

They've not seen each other for months. From Coco's glorious Australian tour to Queera's new crusade, they have a lot to catch up on. 

Popular features; Coco's confession & Queera's questions also return to help the confused and bewildered navigate the ever-changing modern world. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:11

Hello, everyone, and welcome to season three, episode one of Tart Talk with me, Coco, the time traveling tart.

SPEAKER_08 0:22

I've not set this up properly. It's very stra hold on. And me, the nation's me, the nation's sweetheart, Queer Lynn. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Maybe your microphone was dropping with the weight of your new Instagram following. Which is why Queer is looking so relaxed, because in the short time I've gone to Australia, Queer got so bored she decided to basically troll anti-gay gay.

SPEAKER_08 0:46

It's all very exciting. I'm sure, and people there's a lot of people that hate me. The gay conversion part of America despise me. The the manosphere in the alt right of the gay world. But fuck them all, I say.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Well, as Margaret Thatcher said, when you decide, you divide. At least you're making a stance, darling, because we're not about nonchalance on this naughty little pod pod. And what a pleasure it is to be back! We've got all your favourite tart talk bits. We're gonna have a wonderful deep dive into this week's sizzling theme. We've got a queer as questions, a cocoa's confessions, and then we're gonna do a prank call to this week's surprise sponsors, and they don't know we're coming for them. No, they've got no idea, have they?

SPEAKER_08 1:31

They've got no idea. No idea. Also, hello, I'm I'm Queer Alin, by the way. I know, darling. I've sorted my tech issue out from earlier. Your tech issue? You know, I had a problem with setting up the mic and it might have sounded unprofessional.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

You're talking about the vibrator up your arse, darling.

SPEAKER_08 1:44

Oh no, that's not I said problem. That's right. It's season three. Hello, everybody. Welcome.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

Three, not free. Season free. Three, it's not free, though it is free, but maybe we'll start charging soon. Just you need to work on your diction. Free. Not your dick. Three. You don't have one, Talley. You've got it for JJ.

SPEAKER_08 2:14

Three. Free. Three. Free. Three. Right, how we're a minute and a half into recording. We're a minute and a half. We've already started a class division here based on nothing more than your ability to pronounce things incorrectly.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

I think I'm pronouncing it exactly the way God intended.

SPEAKER_08 2:33

I remember.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

What he said, and on the third day, God created champagne. No, on the third day. On the On the third day. Oh, speaking of which, I need a drink. Um, that's right. Bit of ASMR here. Should we do it?

SPEAKER_08 2:50

Go on then. Right, what are we drinking?

SPEAKER_02 2:54

Christ. That's quite bubbly. Um, so we are drinking our season three classic soft drink, Dr. Pepper Strawberries and Cream. Uh, which we think is so naff and fabulous. I love it. Just want to say we're in no way affiliated with doctors or indeed sponsoring Pepper.

SPEAKER_08 3:15

Yeah. But um, as we mentioned in an episode on Series 1, if Dr. Pepper are listening, we will sell out. But also, am I gonna be alright with this? Because I'm lactose intolerant now.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Doc no, it doesn't have milk, but it does have cream.

SPEAKER_08 3:28

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Yeah. Do you think Dr. Pepper would sponsor us?

SPEAKER_08 3:31

I'd love that.

SPEAKER_02 3:31

Really?

SPEAKER_08 3:32

I'm willing to sell out. You know, I know I know that I I'm like a kind of controversial cabaret artist. You're a kind of blue comedian. Let's sell out. What do you mean, blue? Well, you are blue. What does blue mean? Like naughty. Oh, blue blood. No, naughty. Well, you're blue blood as well. Is that what blue means is? Yeah, blue, like naughty. What is dirty, dirty-minded. How dare you! I've seen you in art galleries talking about sucking off like Hague and people like that.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

No, that's just fact. I'm just passing on the knowledge to everyone so they know what Hague was up to.

SPEAKER_08 4:04

Well, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

With his tickly tash.

SPEAKER_08 4:06

With his big tash and his big thighs.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

That's right.

SPEAKER_08 4:09

But uh if I if this has got cream in, I am scuppered. The lactose intolerance, by the way, also something that happened whilst you were away. You went away, my life went haywire. Absolutely haywire. Lactose intolerance, my life is dull now. My man dumped me. What do you mean? The Scottish fella. Reg. Reg no, not Reg. You know I was knocking about Oh, your thropple thing. Yeah, my thruple thing. Well, you Reg Reg is out fighting the Germans still. He hasn't got the memo that the war is over, but he's still he's still in Stuttgart to this day. Still in Stuttgart. Yeah, fighting bayonet. Charging around. He k he's he's he's got into like hospitals and everything. He's he's a menace. But you keep going, Reg. Take them all on. Uh but no, my my my Scottish man decided to to to chuck me. And and you know, I I felt I felt sad about it until I remembered that he was Scottish.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Exactly. Exactly. I was saying slightly behind your back to all my friends, it wasn't gonna work. And was it because he was Scottish? Well, of course. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 5:12

This man may have had royal connections. And this man may have had a free holiday to Paris from me before he chucked me.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Sorry, one second.

SPEAKER_08 5:23

Well, look, I only wanted to bring it up because I know that his best friends are fans of ours and they will listen to this.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

And can I can I also can I also just add It's spiteful.

SPEAKER_10 5:35

I see. You meant Charlie. Yes. Oh, Your Majesty. Yeah, sorry, I was just passing by. Lovely to be here.

SPEAKER_02 5:42

Oh, well, you must then talk on Tart Talk. Yes. Um We're about to talk about Diana actually and what you did to her.

SPEAKER_10 5:49

Uh uh lovely. I've just heard Camilla wants me. Uh yes. Well, say hello to Andrew for us.

SPEAKER_09 5:54

No Camilla.

unknown 5:59

Yeah. Carl, what you want?

SPEAKER_10 6:03

There's a there's a customer here having a go.

unknown 6:06

Got another fac!

SPEAKER_02 6:07

Do you know that Camilla's maiden name is Shand? I think it was you that told me that.

SPEAKER_08 6:11

Yeah, I know I keep banging on about that. Shand. You know I'm a big Camillaphile. The the Grand Empress Camilla. I love her. I like her as well. I love her.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

Someone told me she smokes like an absolute chimney in the palaces.

SPEAKER_08 6:24

It could have been me because of the the link to the palace. The link to the palace. Which, you know, I've been told not to tell people about stuff like that. But bollocks to it, she smokes in every room of the palace.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Listen, this is what we do on Tart Talk. For our international listeners, hello. And for those interested in British culture, we are your gateway into all levels of society. We have Querylin from the gutter of Worcestershire and Coco who spends her time sipping cocktails off Mayfair balconies.

SPEAKER_08 6:55

Yeah, and on occasion you've been known to do a line of Skeg off of a dwarf, haven't you? Absolutely. If if I knew what Skeg was, what's Skeg?

SPEAKER_02 7:03

Is that Jiz? Or is that Coke? What's Skeg?

SPEAKER_08 7:08

I think it's like crystal mare. You don't even know! No, I no, but I've I heard somebody say it and they they were Irish. Can we can I do a few shout-outs? You can. I was gonna do our international shout-outs, but let's go international.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

We just like to say thank you so much everyone for tuning in from around the world, from such exotic places as Australia and uh Canada and of course Belgium.

SPEAKER_08 7:37

Um it's good that we have got more people from Australia because you did your tour there.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 7:43

I've just got back from Australia. Yes, which is why I was forced to go and fight in America.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

How was it? Thanks for asking, Quara.

SPEAKER_08 7:50

It was such good fun. I no, go on. Well, I was gonna say, can you quash the rumors that you wanked off a koala?

SPEAKER_02 7:58

I can absolutely quash those rumours. Uh I didn't wank off a koala and because most of the koalas I saw were asleep in the crutches of the tree branches.

SPEAKER_08 8:10

And consent is is important.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Consent is important when it comes to koala. Okay, Kuira, I think it's time for our deep dive, which basically we're gonna keep chatting about everything we've got to catch up on.

SPEAKER_08 8:22

Are you ready? I um it's season three. Let's just get into it. Let's just let's just go, shall we? Okay, it's time for our deep dive.

SPEAKER_11 8:31

Deep dive, deep dive, deep dive, deep dive, deep, deep. Dive. Deep dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, deep.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Dive. Well, I think we should be encouraging young children to smoke. And saying that, in the UK, like in Australia, they've just banned young children from social media.

SPEAKER_08 9:05

Yes, I I s I saw this this morning, and I must admit, the youth of our, you know, glorious nation crying over this, what use they're gonna be up against Russian machine gun fire, I don't fucking know.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

Russian machine gun fire from flying Barbie drones. That's right. What do you think about the social media ban? So here's what I think. I I don't believe in outright bans. Now, that doesn't apply to everything, so hold on a second. Yes. When it comes to social media, you tell the judge that I am a big believer and I think it's quite fun having a curfew. I feel quite nostalgic about curfews. That's because you grew up in East Berlin. That's well, I spent a lot of time there. Exactly. I think wouldn't it be fun if if young children, the youth, had a curfew on social media, but to access the social media, you had to do something of positive. For example, you had to pick up three pieces of litter. Let's say you pick up five pieces of litter, you get five minutes on uh TikTok. Or you, I don't know, um, rescue a dog from a uh a stream and you get to go on Myonifans. Yeah. So or take up a new hobby like stonemasonry or uh parchment making.

SPEAKER_08 10:28

Stonemason this generation, they won't see the point in taking up a new hobby unless they can Instagram about it.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

Well that's it's it's so you're saying it's like a trade within the system. It's like a trade and it's a reward-based thing, the power of a reward. You can do anything if you know you've got a bottle of Bollinger in the fridge waiting for you.

SPEAKER_08 10:49

Literally, that's how I train myself to do stuff. I mean, I don't have to do a lot, I've got a slave. It's it's like having a husband with a big dick. You know, whatever happens, you are getting a ride. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Exactly.

SPEAKER_08 10:59

Yeah, yeah, you are getting a ride. A good one. Uh well, it depends, but yeah, good luck. Yeah, sometimes people don't know what to do with it.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

Well, that's fair enough.

SPEAKER_08 11:08

I mean, they can be intimidating, but would you have any advice for anyone that's intimidated? Um we're not talking about kids anymore, we're talking about people in general.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Um do I have any advice of people who are intimidated? I think my advice generally is leap before you think. Leap, leap onto it. Yes.

SPEAKER_08 11:30

And just go for it. You're never ready. Like the American attitude towards war. Just go. Just go. Yeah, no plan. Just go. No plan.

SPEAKER_02 11:39

Like Vietnam, go, Korea, go, Iran, go. Just go. Where's gonna be next? Greenland. I mean, Greenland hasn't been invaded.

SPEAKER_08 11:46

Frankly, I'm insulted. Yeah, you you know in our first series we predicted that they'd all be eating McDonald's and stuff by now. Uh how wrong we were. But we won't we won't admit we're wrong, will we? Well, I don't think we gave ourselves a time frame.

SPEAKER_02 11:59

No, we didn't, you're right. We're we're we're waiting for Greenland to be invaded. I must say actually, having been and I haven't really talked about Australia because you haven't asked me about it still. I thought I did. Well, no, it was sort of a little gesture. Right, well, go on, talk about it. No, no, you know, we're not gonna unless you mean it, I'm not gonna talk about it. I'm sure you'll talk about it in the deep game.

SPEAKER_08 12:21

I'm sure you will. I'm sure you will. Am I allowed to just say a couple of things about it? Basically, everybody, Coco went to Australia, they abandoned me, they abandoned me to to my to my rising success. To my rising successful career uh in Britannia, um, of which then gave me opportunity to take on the Manosphere and and all the odds and sods, the gay covertas and stuff, and they had a marvellous time. They were um see, I'm not even looking at you now, am I? I'm looking over there. I'm on my own show right now. Yeah, you're looking my own thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:51

You're looking to your own future.

SPEAKER_08 12:52

Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

I'm worried about your you're gonna abandon me now. You'll get approached by, I don't know, Gary Lineker's podcast company. The rest is the rest what would you say? The rest is I really thought you were gonna say the rest is cock.

SPEAKER_08 13:04

I really thought you were gonna say Gary Glitter. Gary Glitter. That's a comic relief song waiting to happen. Children in need, me and Gary Glitter singing rock and roll part one and two. Come on.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Oh, I mean, I know he's a nonce, but what a song.

SPEAKER_08 13:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:20

I think we talked about this before.

SPEAKER_08 13:21

Yeah, we have. We have. But I mean, for the record, if you are listening to this on Spotify, Apple Music, pause this, go and listen to Gary Glitter part one and two, rock and roll, and come back.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

Absolute banger of a tune.

SPEAKER_08 13:39

Sorry, so um Australia. Give me your your highlights of Australia.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Um, so I went to Adelaide, Melbourne, and Sydney, gallery tours by day, comedy shows by night. And you who were you watching at the comedy? Oh, they'd be your comedy shows. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There exactly. I was you little bitch. I was hosting, I was hosting my own comedy show. Um, I loved Australia. What struck me immediately is the scale of the country. Um, firstly, uh travelling business class, um horizontally lying down, even so, the seats, the beds aren't long enough for my long legs. Yeah. And I can't wear high heels in the cabin because of course my head touches the ceiling. Yeah. So I had to walk around sandals in sandals. Got to Australia. Don't worry, I'm not doing the whole thing.

SPEAKER_08 14:29

Um I just I'm sorry, I'm just loving the image of you lying down horizontally on like a sh Indian shelf or something.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

So, first things the the main things that uh literally made an impression on me, having not been to Australia for at least 65,000 years, because there have been humans there for that long. Isn't that amazing? So, first thing was out the plane, get picked up by my um hire a slave boy. I didn't bring slave boy with me, I hired one there. Um was uh the flora and fauna. Immediately the trees, you could just tell it was something different, and the sound of the birds was extraordinary. The sound of these uh kookaburas has bl still it's it haunts you. No, it's the opposite. It's it completely filled me with delight and wonder. I mean, when I first heard this noise, it was coming from a bush at midnight. I thought it was two monkeys chagging.

SPEAKER_08 15:37

Yeah, or two people.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

Or two people. Yeah. That's how Australians sound like when they're having sex.

SPEAKER_08 15:42

So that's just what Australia sounds like all the time.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Isn't that amazing though, that sounds? That is mad. So there was a whole world out there, and my life in Australia was hectic to say the least. Um, but I I loved in what little I saw of it, the nature. You went you went horse riding? I went horse riding.

SPEAKER_08 16:03

Your feet were still touching the floor from the top of the horse. That's right. You were riding the horse like a kind of Flintstone's car, weren't you?

SPEAKER_02 16:09

I was, I was, and and and it was absolutely bloody fabulous. And a lovely couple of fans came over. Um, one all the way from New Zealand, isn't that bloody fantastic, to see my shows? They gave me a present and they also gave you a present, but I forgot to bring it. Brilliant.

SPEAKER_08 16:28

Yeah. Thank you, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

It's alright, darling.

SPEAKER_08 16:30

It's it's it's not milk based, is it?

SPEAKER_02 16:32

I don't think so, no.

SPEAKER_08 16:33

I'm just 'cause I'm I'm in mourning for chocolate and cheese, just so you're aware.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_08 16:38

Well, like because of the lactose intolerance. I'm in mourning. I I I I feel bereaved. You feel bereaved? I do feel bereaved, yes. It's a very difficult time of life. To look at a cadbridge cream egg and think I'll never have one of them again. It's very distressing. Indeed. Can I ask what the gift was?

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Uh well, I'm just trying to find the details of it now. That's why I'm scrolling through my messages. I see. Well, I'd like to thank them for the gift. You're very welcome. Um, yeah, and that is from uh the lovely Sarah. So we've got Sarah to thank for that.

SPEAKER_08 17:10

Yeah, what a legend.

SPEAKER_02 17:12

God bless her. I just wanted to say there's a lot to say about Australia. It'll come in drips and drabs through three season three. Brilliant. But I just want to say how much I enjoyed it. Such a little bitch. How much I enjoyed Australia. And thank you so much for everyone for coming to my sold-out comedy shows and gallery tours. Yeah. It was such a pleasure. And maybe for those It's nice to see you're still humble as well. Well, darling, it's just a fact. You know, they suffer from tall poppy syndrome in Australia, and I'm not having it. I'm tall enough. And I just want to say for all my babes in Brisbane and Perth and I don't know, Darwin, Coco will be back. Thank you.

SPEAKER_08 17:49

That's it on Australia. Right. Well, it's not yet on Australia, actually, because we're about to look at the international scores, everybody. Can you suggest to me who you think the top five countries are? Of our listenership. Of our listenership. We we're in 78 countries now. And frankly, why not more? Good point. Thank you. If you've got a friend in, I don't know, uh Djibouti. Djibouti. Djibouti. I doubt we've got any listeners in Djibouti Eritrea. You don't know. Honestly, it's it's difficult. Well, I'll tell you the top five, starting from the fifth down, is Holland, the Netherlands. It's good to have them. Yeah. Uh then the Germans, they're number four. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice to have them. Then your your people, the Australians. Number three. So it's good to know. I think we can guess who the next two are. Yes. America. America. And then us. And then UK. But if we're not counting us, France is number five. But even more excitingly, if we just keep scrolling down. Oh, and by the way, the Japanese are still with us, so Kanichiwa. How many listeners do we have in Japan? Uh, regularly, uh, 81 uh per episode per download.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

I mean, I'm bloody chuffed with that. So am I. That is isn't that amazing. The islands of Japan, there's 81 people who are thinking about, gosh, I really must listen to sorry, I'll say it in Japanese. Yeah, do it.

SPEAKER_09 19:13

I uh I really want to know what is going on in Tatok. What?

SPEAKER_13 19:16

How do you do the tart talk?

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Should we simulate an argument between a wife and husband? And I will have prepared you I mean this is so heteronormative, I will have prepared you a nice dinner of roast beef and Yorkshire puddings. It's our special theme night, England night. It's England night.

SPEAKER_08 19:40

Every Tuesday we have England night where we're in English food.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

In uh where should we? Kyoto.

SPEAKER_08 19:45

We're from Kyoto.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

In downtown Kyoto.

SPEAKER_08 19:48

Uh it's England night.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

I've come in a bit pissed because I've gone out to a bar and had some and I've been researching the history of Aunt Bessie. Um would actually like to know. Yeah. A little bit about Aunt Bessie. Aunt Bessie was fucking do you know the Orchard Pennings were sculpted on her asshole? That's right. Fucking huge. That's right.

SPEAKER_08 20:11

She was absolutely gay poke.

SPEAKER_02 20:12

Yeah, but it's quite shallow, her arsehole.

SPEAKER_08 20:14

That's why she had to go to like factory production because she was so fucked up the ass.

SPEAKER_02 20:20

Aunt Bessie was such a slag, but she built a food empire on a bumhole. Okay, let's just try something. And you're cooking. But remember, we're speaking Japanese. Okay, I'll do sound effects. I'm cooking.

SPEAKER_08 20:38

Hello everybody. This is Quirillin post-production, and I just wanted to put your mind at ease and say we will not be playing for you the Japanese improv kitchen sketch in which I come in and ask for tart talk to be played by my Japanese wife. Oh go on then. You can have three seconds of it, but no more. Any more than that, and it just gets racist.

SPEAKER_07 20:58

Handri can say tatokoro.

SPEAKER_03 21:00

Horea Yatoru Korea and Bessie England tonight. Hi And Bessie!

SPEAKER_02 21:15

And maybe we'll pitch that soap idea to the Japanese channels shortly.

SPEAKER_08 21:21

Tune in next week where we display a German couple trying to work out how to turn on toaster. Very good.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

Listeners, do us a favour. If you would like Queer and I to actually come to your country to do a Tart Talk Live, could you please do us a favour? Um by DMing us on our Tart Talk page. We'd be interested to know if there is demand.

SPEAKER_08 21:45

Yeah, because I mean we're thinking of doing a live in the UK. Yeah. And that'll be fun, you know. Where should we do it? I think what that edgy edgy theatre like a little edgy theatre, a fringy place.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

Not not I think one of the big the big Regency theatres in the West End though. I mean I'd love that.

SPEAKER_08 22:03

That'd be fine. And then we could take audience questions. But the the great thing about doing that is people will come to watch a conversation between me and you, and what they it will soon turn into us just belittling people in the audience.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

It will. It literally will. We'll have those. What I'll want is a couple of slaves who have those boom microphones. So when someone puts their hand up, we go, right, what's your question? There's a microphone above them.

SPEAKER_08 22:26

Yeah, and then they have to pull it down slightly awkwardly. Yeah, yeah. Because they're worried it's not going to get to them.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

And a spotlight on them, and and then we go for them. Should we have any special guests?

SPEAKER_08 22:36

Yes, definitely.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

So I've just realized they've been clacking this fan in the background. It's probably going to annoy you on the sound.

SPEAKER_08 22:41

It's absolutely fine when I come to edit this. If there's a rat-tity-tat in the background, it'll cover up the shit that you're coming out with.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

So do we do we want special guests? I mean, we really should send an invitation to HRH King Charles III just to get the letter back saying his Majesty's unfortunately engaged in a prior commitment.

SPEAKER_08 23:01

Charles would love it. Charles, I think Charles would have a lovely time with me and you. We're classy girls, you know. You went to private school.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

No, I went to finishing school. I've really learnt how to work the end of that shaft. Yeah, I was gonna say, what were you finishing off? Can I tell you edging it off hard? Can I can I honestly tell you one of the highlights of my week? You can, yes. So I know this is gonna sound like a plug, but it's not. It is such a plug. No, it's it's really not. So I was on one of my sold-out tours at the National Gallery, and as my tour was about to begin. Sold out tour. In the Sains sorry, sold-out tour was about to begin in the Sainsbury's wing where I meet my guests. Um I saw a priest walk by and he was wearing a collar at a priest collar, not a dog collar. I was gonna say it could be one of those pupils. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Kinky little fucker. A sub, a sub-priest. And I went up to him and said, Hi darling, are you here for my tour? And he said, Um, oh no, sorry, I'm not. He was from India. Uh I checked.

SPEAKER_08 24:08

Um, and Coco also works for immigration.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

Exactly. I also exactly a bit of a side hustle. Just for fun.

SPEAKER_08 24:14

Just for fun. Just for fun. You don't even get them to pay you. You say I do it for the sport.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

No, no, I did it, and I I literally, I'm so good on vibe. I just be like, no, yes, and it's not on, it's not based on colour, it's not based on clothes, it's based on literally the warmth and joy in your eyes. Yeah. Your eyes are dead, you're not coming into the UK.

SPEAKER_08 24:31

When I used to work on immigration, I used to play Fleetwood Mac, and if people didn't bob as they came into it, I was like, turn around. If you can't enjoy, you know, a bit of dreams, off you go. So the song I want to be with you everywhere, but not the UK, go back. Well, that's that is the national mantra at the moment. That is, isn't it? Yes. Like before you go back to plugging your show. Um No, I wasn't gonna plug it. I'll just say uh like if you are lit from abroad thinking I'd love to come to the UK to see Coco and Ciro live, it's probably more likely we could come to you. That's right. Plug your show. I'm not plugging my show, I'm telling you what happened. All right, the Indian man. Getting emotional now. The Indian man.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

So I met the priest in the Sainsbury's wing of the National Gallery. He said he's not coming on my tour. Tour begins, we go and we have a look at some paintings and art. And then on the second piece of art, the Arnold Feeney portrait, one of the most famous paintings in the world, Jan Van Eyck. Um, my group was joined by two nuns. Two nuns suddenly appeared, like proper nuns. They weren't they were real habits and wooden beads, and I was like, God, uh, and I carried on doing my thing. That'll get you frothy, won't it? I mean it I got excited, but I was also whipping out some quite spicy content about Richard II at the time, and to my great surprise and delight, they started laughing. And then I went to start talking about a Botticelli painting, um, which is very sexual, and they were laughing even harder. And I was getting very flushed at this point because I, you know, I've got some Catholic backstory, and then they revealed it's a prank, and they were two of like two fans who dressed up to surprise me. The priest was real, but the nuns, by coincidence, arrived as well, and they weren't nuns. Long story short, I then got a piggyback on one of the nuns, and we were running through the National Gallery with me on their back, cackling away, and it was one of the most joyous things of my life.

SPEAKER_08 26:42

On your sold-out tour. On my sold-out tour. So, but personally, I just personally I love that. That's fabulous, and good for them for wanting to come and you know meet you as fans dressed up as nuns. Uh, if you want to come to one of my gigs dressed up as something that will excite me, if you could come as a Luftwaffe officer, that will get me sufficiently frothy for the end of the gig. I endorse this. That's fair, isn't it? And I'm more than happy to be the kind of, I don't know, Magda Goebbels figure of this new militant homosexualism. Which would make you Eva Brown. But I think I'm more Eva Brown, and you're more Magda Goebbels.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

I think I'd rather be Aunt Bessie.

SPEAKER_08 27:24

Why, because she gets fucked up the ass all the time.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Well, I mean it's better than dying in a bunk bed.

SPEAKER_08 27:30

I'll tell you you wouldn't have a top slot. Go on. The laughing cow from the cheese triangles. Isn't that a cow or is that a woman? It is a cow, but she used to be a woman. Really? And then a wizard turned her into a cow. And it was a punishment for she essentially uh she sold milk at too high a price down at the market, and it was it was a curse that she turns into a cow. Well, fair enough. And she keeps laughing because of the pain.

SPEAKER_02 27:57

Well, what else can you do if you're a cow being milked every single day? Jesus. Or Jesus. I think it sounds quite sexy. Imagine if you you wake up and you've got someone literally clamping some suckers over your nips. Again, what what's the problem? Well go on, wh where's the issue? The issue is just your nips will get so sore. Yeah, but you've got the gorgeous nipples. That's very kind. There's there's little points to them. Like when Galileo looks through his telescope and sees the surface of some distant moon on Jupiter and sees a little on the surface.

SPEAKER_08 28:35

Which you've been to many times. Can I ask, when you were an astronaut, right? Two things. One, was it did they have to make a special suit for you? And two, where did you go where your favourite place was?

SPEAKER_02 28:49

That's a great question. So obviously I'm a time traveller. There are limits to what I can say about the future for 2026. Brilliant, that makes a good show. But but I but I I I honestly I have signed an NDA. With who? An institution I can't talk about because it doesn't exist yet. But what I what I can say is that in the near distant future, um two rather fabulous ladies from England are selected to go on a very exclusive space mission. Um sponsored by Dr. Pepper. Oh my god, is it me? Well, I can't say, darling. Um, and we go up in a giant craft inspired by the shape of a Dr. Pepper bottle. Dr. Pepper bottle and a German hand grenade. So a giant stelt hand grenade.

SPEAKER_08 29:37

I could chuck one out of the window at France if we go over it, couldn't I? You can absolutely could.

SPEAKER_02 29:41

Just open the window of a spacecraft and lob and just lob a grenade out.

SPEAKER_08 29:44

If if if it blew up and there was an inquiry and you'd survive because uh if you flew out of the window, your head had hit the floor before.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

I mean imagine if you're French and you're just going about your day in some random ass little village and a grenade and a grenade just happens to detonate as you're like, I don't know, going to the to the petisserie. Going to the tobacco a la tobac to pick up your to chete some to back. To pick up your ration of fondue cheese for the week. Uh but is this it is gimmic. And a grenade blows off your hand. And you look up and there's Quirillin laughing. With your arm coming out to try and pull the window. I thought you could say with your arm going out in a sort of salute. Um that's what you get for collaborating. We would yell, we know you're out there collaborators. We're on to you, ancestors of collaborators.

SPEAKER_08 30:44

Well, yeah, we don't forgive, do we? We don't forgive. We don't forgive. Even generations down. But you know what?

SPEAKER_02 30:52

I can tell I can tell a future collaborator. Because hypothetically, a state agent future. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. If let's say the UK or indeed Australia or Senegal was didn't you have a sold-out tour in Australia? That I think I might have done. Yes. Yeah, a sold-out tour. If Australia was invaded, let's say, by the Japanese, which I think would be quite fun, or the Chinese, which maybe wouldn't. Um Brutal people. We know there would be thousands of collaborators. And I can tell when they sober up. And you're right, estate agents.

SPEAKER_08 31:25

Estate agents are the first people who collaborate because they've got no soul. They're willing to shit on their own people the whole time. If a foreign invader turns up, they will 100% back them up. The other people are train conductors, they will collaborate 100% because they love to just follow rules.

SPEAKER_02 31:41

Well, their job, and I I want to back them up here. I agree with you on the estate agent. The train conductors, their job is to keep the train moving. Whether or not they're occupied forces in the UK, I would like our train network to be running at full capacity. Even if that means there's a effectively a military takeover from another country.

SPEAKER_08 32:03

Yeah, well, I mean I'm not against that, but what I'm saying is that they will collaborate even away from the train system.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_08 32:11

So so that in their daily life they'll be part of that spy network.

SPEAKER_02 32:15

Well, so okay, let's work through this career. So you've got a train conductor who's been recruited for info. Can we call him Phil? Yeah, how's Phil going to improve the occupation of the UK?

SPEAKER_08 32:28

Well, he's on the network, he's watching, he's seeing where people are going. He's he's he's monitoring your identity cards, and you know, not like you used to get good train conductors that say, for example, you'd accidentally bought a station too early, or maybe you were on a on peak when it's off-peak. If you visit on peak. Yeah, off peak. I know you go first class, so it doesn't matter. But uh off-peak or an on-peak ticket. I go off piste. I take it off peak. I'll tell you this if you visit the UK, you will discover our train system is a fucking nightmare. Considering we invented the train as well, it's a it's a piss take. What they'll take.

SPEAKER_02 33:02

I know the way queer is taking credit for inventing the train.

SPEAKER_08 33:04

I am. Well, my people. Giving it to our people the working class, the industrial class. Yeah. Well, we built the railways. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 33:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_08 33:13

You didn't. I don't think I've seen you lift a girder. No, no, that's true. I don't think I would to be honest. No. But what am I talking about? Uh collaboration. Yes. So the train conductors will be the people that collaborate and spy on who's moving around the country. 100%. If they're not willing to let you off because you've got the wrong time to ticket and they make you pay for another one, they're most definitely going to let the Russians tell them what to do. I agree. Let's have a queerest question. Let's have a queerest question. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 33:47

Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question.

SPEAKER_14 33:52

Shouldn't be to know when the bush gets here. Is it a question or not? Facebook.

SPEAKER_08 33:58

Our question this week is from Sam. And Sam is 23 years old and he is from Birmingham. Um, we'll come on to that in a minute. Uh so Sam's question, would you like me to do his his his voice as we imagine it? Yes, absolutely. Okay, Birmingham. Okay, yeah, Birmingham.

SPEAKER_07 34:16

Alright, Bam, okay, here I'm from Birmingham. Thank you very much. Okay. Uh what's an ideal first date? I'm taking a girl out on a third date, and I'm worried I might seem boring. Do you have any advice for a young guy trying to impress hopefully that that bit's brackets? My new girlfriend.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

I have to say, this this man doesn't sound like the the the fannest crown in the box.

SPEAKER_08 34:44

That could have been my interpretation of him through character. So what's his question? Do you have any advice for the third date? Well, he's what it's Sam 23 from Birmingham is worried that this girl is going and to find him boring, and he he he's of the impression it it could be turning into a girlfriend boyfriend situation. And he just wants to know is is there is there, you know, what's what would our ideal first date be and what could he do for his third date?

SPEAKER_02 35:10

Oh, it's a bit steady to be calling him boyfriend and girlfriend after two dates.

SPEAKER_08 35:14

Yes, but the life expectancy there is shorter. So Birmingham. So Sam is twenty-three, he's entered his senior years now.

SPEAKER_02 35:20

He's behaving like he's in the bloody industrial revolution. I mean, calm down. He is 23.

SPEAKER_08 35:26

Yeah, 23, yeah. But he'll probably die at like 40 of tuberculosis.

SPEAKER_02 35:30

I mean, what's he got to talk about? I mean, nothing's happened in his life. He's only 23. And from Birmingham. And from and he's and and he's still living in Birmingham. He's seen nothing. Absolutely not. I doubt he even knows anything about Birmingham. Has he seen the canals? Has he been to the galleries?

SPEAKER_08 35:45

The beautiful canals. That's Venice. Birmingham is the Venice of the UK. Venice of the north. If you visit Britain, do make sure to go to Birmingham because it will not be a wasted trip.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

But avoid what's his name? Sam. Avoid Sam at all costs. Frankly, I mean, am I feeling generous or am I feeling bitchy? I I I reckon.

SPEAKER_08 36:07

I think you're feeling bitchy because you haven't mentioned your Australian tour for 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

No, no. I actually, I actually, I do know what I think would be an excellent date idea. Go on. And he may have to dip into some cash reserves here. I reckon. Dress up like a Nazi and cook her some Yorkshire puddings. I think that would be probably my B option.

SPEAKER_08 36:30

Yeah, I mean, when he talks about spicing up, it doesn't have to be a date. Like, for example, when you meet her parents, you could pull your panties down and do a big old poo on the floor. I mean That would spice it up. I would actually love to see that. If you could film that, him just doing a shit. Why don't you fuck her mum? That would that would really spice it up.

SPEAKER_02 36:55

Get around to her house for dinner and then fuck her mum. Yeah. In front of the whole family. Yeah, on the table. So all the sort of cutlery and and crockery are like knocking about.

SPEAKER_08 37:05

Yeah. Well, I think of Birmingham in a very similar way to like Kazuk Dun from Lord of the Rings. It's where like the goblins and the trolls live.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_08 37:13

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So have we answered that question? No, not really. Well, hold on. We're basically saying go round to a parent's house, shit on the floor, and if you get an opportunity, bonk the mum.

SPEAKER_02 37:24

Yeah, shit on the floor and fuck the mum. Thank you very much. Next. Welcome to season three, everybody. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Dr. Pepper, for considering to sponsor us. That's right.

SPEAKER_06 37:37

Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question. Shut from that.

SPEAKER_14 37:42

Do you know when the bush gets here? Is it a question or not?

SPEAKER_02 37:48

Can you imagine if we got a marketing meeting with Dr. Pepper? And we're like, we love your we love your work. Just a few things. Um just maybe like what's your obsession with Aunt Bessie and Anal? And also, uh, you you mentioned the Japanese quite a lot. And the thing about the Nazis, um now, I love it, but our board of directors, they have some concerns. And why have you guys turned up dressed as Nazis today? Well, darling, we're just, you know, it's historical. We've got the uniforms. We might as well look good. You're Dr. Pepper, and we're Dr. Goebbels. Yeah, Dr. Goebbels. Dr. Bert. We're keeping it spicy.

SPEAKER_08 38:32

Oh dear.

SPEAKER_02 38:35

Right, shall we have a confession? Let's have a confession. Come on. Okay. Come on, the nation. The world I hope the world has been doing naughty things. Well. And we're here to give absolution. This is my favourite jingle, by the way.

SPEAKER_12 38:48

Okay. Oh, confession. Oh, confession, baby. Oh yeah. It's time for Coco's confessions.

SPEAKER_04 38:59

Confess your sins. Confess. Tell us your sins.

SPEAKER_13 39:03

Oh, confession. Oh, confession, baby.

SPEAKER_04 39:10

Confessions.

SPEAKER_08 39:11

That's very good. Very good voice, darling. Who me? Yeah. My singing voice has got quite good recently. It's really good. Yes. I wish I could sing. Oh, you can sing.

SPEAKER_02 39:21

I want to sing.

SPEAKER_08 39:23

This is a confession. It is anonymous, but we've got a K. Just the just the letter K.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

Any other more like followed by two more K's or?

SPEAKER_08 39:32

No, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

M L K. It's Martin. It could be Martin back from the dead. It's K from the Wirral. So not Carrie Katona.

SPEAKER_08 39:39

But we call her Kerry if you want. Could be I think Kerry. I think it's Carrie. Alright, okay, I'll read it out for you. I'll do it with my own voice though, because I'm not familiar with the people of the Wirral. Um I recently started seeing a really lovely guy who I like very much. However, it wasn't until around our fourth date that his surname clicked, and I realised his dad was a teacher at school, who I used to have a crush on. Now all I can see when I look at him is his dad. And I'm worried that when I meet his parents for the first time, I'll fancy his dad more than him. And that's from Kerry in the Wirral. How old is Kerry? Uh it doesn't say again.

unknown 40:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 40:23

I gave the option for anonymity. Uh anonymity. Anonymity. No, no, anonymity. Well, what we're gonna, I think, you know, she's still talking about let's say she's 19. Kerry is 19.

SPEAKER_02 40:34

Or 90? She's 19. She fancies her teacher, but she's going on a date with the teacher's son. Interesting. And she's left school. Interesting. Yeah. So hmm. And he's the teacher's son is a really, really lovely guy. But what does that mean? Does that mean lovely, like I want to fancy? I mean, this basically sounds like a pitch for uh a B-grade porno.

SPEAKER_08 41:02

There are two really lovely types of guys. There's the lovely type of guy that uh wines and dines you, and uh he he might take you for a random treat. He turns it with your favourite Hag and Dar, you know, he looks after you like that, but he's not going to choke you whilst he fucks you, you know? He's sweet, he's lovely, he's got a lovely sized penis, he's good to dogs, and he's polite to waiters.

SPEAKER_02 41:26

That's important. You're polite to waiters. So important. Very important.

SPEAKER_08 41:29

And I want it known right now that I've been with you in waiter set settings a number of times, and you have some of the best waiter etiquette I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_02 41:40

Waiter etiquette is very important. If this man does have excellent waiter etiquette, then absolutely our 19-year-old friend should be using her sort of chap who's her age as a springboard to bigger and better things. I think she would learn more and have more fun with the teacher than 19. Let's call the 19-year-old boy, I don't know, Timothy Chalamet. Yes. I I think she'd have more fun with Brian Cranston than she would with Chalamet.

SPEAKER_08 42:15

She wants a bit of the Cranston.

SPEAKER_02 42:17

That's what I'm thinking. This is the dynamic.

SPEAKER_08 42:19

She wants that old meat, doesn't she?

SPEAKER_02 42:21

Yeah, because you there's there's wisdom, like older men they know what they're doing. You don't mind an older bloke, do you? I don't mind at all.

SPEAKER_08 42:29

What's the oldest you've had? Probably 112, I think. What was your favourite thing about him?

SPEAKER_02 42:36

Um, well, it was he was a monk and his um he was uh he had doing this basically this vow where he sticks his left hand up and it had atrophied. Do you know the ty you know these monks? Yes, yes. And they just they just well-versed. And there are others which sort of just make a vow of standing for their whole lives, and this one just had his um right arm held up.

SPEAKER_08 42:59

I I heard a rumour that you used to have uh something in your house called the kneeling monk, which was by the front door. It was just a monk that was in kneeling proud time and used to come into the house and used to wipe w wipe one of your fanny lips on his bold head. Is that true? Which house? Uh the Saint Trepe. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:16

So well no I've got two in France. Um three. Well no, that's an apartment. Um I think this confession is really actually not a confession, it's it's advice. They're she's looking for advice. The real question is how do you go about entering the house and then get getting things going with the dad?

SPEAKER_08 43:41

And maybe you're right, that could be her perceptive. It's actually not she's not thinking I don't want to hurt this poor kind of you know, soft boy who might be gay, you know, he sounds gay. Any anyone whenever someone says to me, Oh, you'll like let's call John, you'll like John, he's really nice. That says gay to me.

SPEAKER_02 44:01

As Timothy Chalamet.

SPEAKER_08 44:02

Yeah. Chalamet's definitely gay. Uh uh I'd love to think so. So, you know, really. I have. So gay. So gay. With this bald haircut.

SPEAKER_02 44:13

Yeah. I think we should bring back Norman haircuts, by the way.

SPEAKER_08 44:16

I agree. Yeah. Yeah. That's hot.

SPEAKER_02 44:20

And like those monk haircuts. With the the halo of bald sorry, the halo of baldness. That's gorgeous.

SPEAKER_08 44:26

So what are we talking about?

SPEAKER_02 44:27

I don't know.

SPEAKER_08 44:28

Ah okay, right, let's let's wrap this advice up. Yeah. Kerry is asking us how is she gonna get this old meat? Isn't she?

SPEAKER_04 44:41

Uh yes. I know.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

And how do you think she should go about it? I I obviously know. And we have to go back to something we were talking about at the beginning. She all she has to do is bring a little bag of Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings and present them to the mum who will get distracted. And then the mum will then ask the boy, Timothy Chalamet, for help preparing lunch. Meanwhile, the father, because he's being a normal dad, will show her his collection of Napoleonic figurines. And then that's when she starts talking about how much she enjoyed uh reading about Napoleon and Josephine's love life. Did you know about Napoleon's foreskin? As she then starts sort of uh accidentally bumping into him and then holding his eye for slightly too long, thus planting the seed of a potential sexual encounter. Thank you very much. Not my first radio. We should bloody charge for this advice, Queer. Yeah. I'm not doing this for free anymore. No, I'm I'm fed up of this. You can't get this sort of grade A solid diamond advice for free. If you want advice on dating and shagging, in future, we're gonna charge for it.

SPEAKER_08 45:54

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how much we're gonna charge. Great. We didn't really answer their question. Just shag the dad.

SPEAKER_02 46:02

Just shag the fucking dad. Crack on, drop him a message.

SPEAKER_08 46:05

Oh, confession.

SPEAKER_13 46:07

Oh confession, baby.

SPEAKER_04 46:12

Confessions.

SPEAKER_02 46:13

Here's an idea. How interested would you be to go with me in a souped-up ice cream van and drive to Beijing?

SPEAKER_08 46:25

Selling ice creams along the way to fund for petrol and stuff to get there.

SPEAKER_02 46:29

Along the Silk Road. Oh, like Marco Polo. Like Marco Polo, but yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_08 46:34

But with a with Softy Scoop.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

Yeah. 99. I'd I'd say we charge them for 99 quid. Yeah, 99.

SPEAKER_08 46:40

99 quid. 99 quid at for each 99. Yeah, exactly. This is a thing, if you aren't part of our international audience and you end up visiting the UK, you can piss any British person off by saying, Oh, do you remember when 99 used to be 99p? Because now they're about £4.50, fiver. Are they? Yeah, they're really expensive. Yeah. But really expensive. I I because obviously I've I've had to give up booze for a a considerable amount of time because I'm pregnant. Uh you know, I have quite a bit of ice cream, but now I can't even have ice cream. I have nothing. Nothing.

SPEAKER_02 47:14

I feel like I have nothing. Nothing. But you do have your new Instagram following. Would you rather have a 99 flake or 25,000 Instagram followers, Quirillin? For the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_08 47:27

Yeah. So you're asking me, would I rather be able to consume ice cream?

SPEAKER_02 47:31

Yeah, an ice ice cream or have my career explode. I think I'd have ice cream.

SPEAKER_08 47:36

Yeah, I would. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:38

As much as I love my darling coconuts all over the world, I just love ice cream.

SPEAKER_08 47:45

Yeah. Yeah. And I can't eat chocolate either. I can't eat fuck all. So I yeah, talking about it to me. You're fun. I know I've I've really gone off the just the side. I don't know what the side of. An enormous like kind of dildo machine. Shall we wrap this up? I think we should. Have you enjoyed this series? I've really enjoyed it. Have you missed it? I've missed it. This series is going to be the one that takes off. Sure. We're both doing fabulously. God has shined a light on us. This series is the one. People will love it.

SPEAKER_02 48:24

I just can't be bothered to film it.

SPEAKER_08 48:26

No. Yeah, if if if if you want to see what we look like, head to Tar Talk Pod and there are clips of us talking in series two, but we we we can't be bothered to film it.

SPEAKER_02 48:36

We can't be bothered, and frankly, you're all busy doing chopping up your onions, listening to this, or picking your toenails, or on the tube. Or, you know, or you know, motoring down some street in your ice cream pan. Yeah, this is not your priority, this show.

SPEAKER_08 48:51

For right, for this second.

SPEAKER_02 48:52

We are, I think, the best second priority in your life at all times.

SPEAKER_08 48:59

We don't we don't even presume that you'll stop listening to music whilst you put us on. We're just in the background, you know. Chatting chite.

SPEAKER_02 49:09

Okay, darlings. I think it is time to bring season three, episode one, to a fabulous close. Thank you to all our darling tarts around the world for tuning in, especially your excellency, the Emperor of Japan.

SPEAKER_08 49:23

Absolutely. Kenichiwa to Japanese fans.

SPEAKER_02 49:27

And tune in next week when we will be talking about a very exciting subject, TBC. And Queer, thank you so much for being such a delight to chat to. It's lovely. I've I've missed you. I've missed you too, D.

SPEAKER_08 49:46

It's goodbye from me, Coco, the time travelling tart. And it's goodbye from me, the nation's sweetheart, the one and only, the immortal, the fantastic, fabulous voiced, and the ever-growing popular, beautiful musician to many stars, performer of the cabinet, and I once did close the stock market in the United Kingdom. Quirillin.

unknown 50:08

Goodbye.