The Heat wave... Taliban applications | Lilt | Granny porn

Join Coco and Queera Lynn as they try and survive the great heatwave of summer 26. 

The girls will be trying their best to stay cool along with some much needed cool relief for the humid and frustrated listener with an array of topics ranging from Lilt to elderly love making so you know it'll be academic...  

Coco and Queera will also be helping lost souls in the ever popular ' Cocos Confession' and 'Queera's Question'!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Day fifty two in the desert. Still no sign of water, ice or champagne.

SPEAKER_06 0:20

No.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Aguera on knees gagging for camel cocoa in a fit of dehydration.

SPEAKER_03 0:33

I've been drinking my own piss for at least well, since before the heat wave, to be honest. I just enjoy it.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Oh wait, is this a desert? Oh no, wait, it's not. It's Clapham Common.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

And what we thought was that the dehydrated skulls of dead oxen is just Twinkie gaze. That's their pelvis being smashed in.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

But luckily, there's an oasis on the horizon. And what can it be? It's this week's episode of Tart Talk! Hooray!

SPEAKER_03 1:00

With me, Coco, the time travelling Tart. And me who doesn't actually drink pissed queer-lin. I want people to know that.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Absolutely, Tarlu.

SPEAKER_03 1:07

There's nothing wrong with drinking piss. No, no, we we don't shame, but I just don't want people to start pissing on me in public.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Yeah, the key thing is to chill your piss before you drink it or serve it.

SPEAKER_03 1:18

Yes, freeze it like a pop, like a lollipop.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Yeah, or a slush pity as I call them. That's yum. We like that. Exactly. So welcome everyone to this week's episode of Tart Talk. Coming up this week, we've got such an exciting medley of gems for you. We will be diving into the rich world of heat waves.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Yes, absolutely. Partly because uh it's part of the reason why we've had a week off. Uh, and secondly because we're all experienced it in Britain.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

I don't know about other people, but in the northern hemisphere in Europe, we are undergoing a heat wave here. It's very, very exciting, and dare I say, here we go. Moist.

SPEAKER_03 2:00

Moist.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

What else have we got on today's episode, Quera? Well, we've got a Coco's confession from one of the kind of lost, perverted people out in the world, and Queer's questions. So we'll be putting the world to rights there.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

We will be putting the world to rights. Um, and may I give a shout out to this week's unofficial sponsor, Queer? You might do that. Because I've got a little present for you. Now, normally uh Dr. Pepper strawberries and cream say hello in the form of a chilled 330 millilitre can. But as I had the unfortunate pleasure to walk into a corner shop, which I'm sure you're familiar with. Yeah. Um I own one.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

Do you own one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which corner? Um the Wandsworth corner shop, just down the road. It's great. Wandsworth corner shop. It's got a flickering light and and and an air of mild homophobia. It's great fun. Sounds fun. Yeah, I only hire homophobic staff. As you should. Yes. Same with all my barbers. All my barbers I own up the road as well. They're straight. Well, they're all straight, and I've given them strict instructions that if if men are quite camp to send them out. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we won't cut their hair.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Well, I mean, the type of haircuts, they're probably going for a sort of 1930s short back and sides, aren't they? Well, I wouldn't mind that. That'd be quite nice. So if a corner shop isn't on a corner, is it still a corner shop?

SPEAKER_03 3:26

Yes, I'd say so. Is that a mathematic is there an equation? It's similar to your small Tesco and your big Tesco situation. Um, you know, uh for those who don't live in Britain, Tesco is a supermarket and you have uh Tesco Extra and Tesco Metro. However, anyone here, it's big and little Tesco.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

What's the difference between I mean what's what did you say Tesco Extra? What's extra about a little Tesco?

SPEAKER_03 3:53

No, no, no, no, no, no. The extra is the big Tesco. That's where you get your clothes, your Christmas outfits. Hang on, sorry. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

You buy your clothes from Tesco.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

I don't know. I don't. Who who buys their clothes from Tesco? Quite I I think homeless people will pop in there. Really? Yes, I think they will. You can get some good stuff from Tesco clothes from the streets.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Homeless people should not be shopping in Tesco.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

They should be stealing from the proper brands who need stealing from. I covered up a homeless guy stealing steaks the other day in Sainsbury's. I don't think I should admit that. Stealing stakes. He was stealing steaks. He's probably hungry. Out of interest, what cuts were they of steaks? To the loin. Oh, so he's got good taste. Yeah, they had security tags on and everything. Stakes have security tags on. Well, what's good about that is if you steal something with a security tag, then you get a jog after the door. You do, so it's good fitness actually. It's good fitness. It's thieving, it's good fitness.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Maybe you should start sort of an online course, queerer, where you create this uh fitness course for uh deprived people. I would. Which involves stealing.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

Yeah, it'd be like Davina McCall's how to get your arse into like one, you know, nice curve or something.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

How to get your ass in shape, then in jail.

SPEAKER_03 5:03

How to get your ass in shape and avoid jail. And avoid jail. Very good. So what uh what other items are security tagged? Quite a few things. Red bullies now. What? Yeah, I know. You go into some shops, red bullies. Chocolate, London's getting ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

You're joking.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

I'm telling you, we could go into a shop down the road with some fabulous Ethiopian writing above the door, and there is some tags on that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

You mean Arabic?

SPEAKER_03 5:27

No, no, Ethiopian. Have you ever seen Ethiopian language? It's like something like a halo. It's fantastic. Oh what, like um, what's it called? Cuneiform. Almost like that, yeah. It's like the scribbles and wibbles and things. Yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

I do like Ethiopia because they have those underground churches. Mmm, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:43

Which they carve.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

I think that's an interesting way of doing it.

SPEAKER_03 5:46

Yeah, and they wear all those white outfits and stuff. It's lovely. But I've been to Ethiopia and health and safety was hilarious. Was it? How so? Uh I saw a man on a building site with half a high-vis on. Like it was cut down in the middle, and he was just wearing it on his left arm, and he didn't have a helmet on. That's that's true. And then he died. He's probably dead now. Yeah. Oh gosh. Sorry, you were saying about the 330 millilitre can that we're not sponsored by.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

On this week's episode, our sponsor is 7 Up Tropical. Oh, and this is because he tried to get us both a can of Lilt. The most amazing pineapple tropical sparkly fruit drink. You're right to say that. And I couldn't find a can of Lilt.

SPEAKER_03 6:39

So I've got us 7 Up Tropical. That's political correctness gone mad, hasn't it? It it is indeed. Where did you get the 7 Up Tropical? From one of the corners?

SPEAKER_01 6:48

I well, it was a corner shop not on a corner. And do you know what I was doing? I was videoing all the cans uh just because I thought, why not? Why not? Because you're right. I wanted to show you the range. And then eventually there was a um, are you alright boss from behind the counter?

SPEAKER_03 7:05

And I was like, That's honorable. If you got a boss in a corner shop, I get a boss and a fist bump from the chicken shop man, and I swear to god, I can't leave the area now. I've I've hit high level of sophistication.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Do you think that's sophistication, or is it just sort of like fake deference? No, it's honour. Like calling you boss, but then he what he was really saying is, excuse me, can I help you? And what that means is what the fuck are you doing?

SPEAKER_03 7:27

You are spilling seven up tropical down the chair. But but it's a clear liquid, so don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

That was the most amazing glance from you there, because I was like, why are they looking why is Quirra looking down at the pillow? And that's because the 7 Up has exploded. It's literally ejaculated all over this chair. You genuinely look concerned.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

Um well, I'm not concerned. It's quite a clear liquid. I tell you what, use Do we need to do anything? I don't know. Shall we just see what happens? I think it's alright, babe. I think it's alright. I think it's alright. You you do look a bit worried. This isn't good. It's not a good show, is it? Just talking about like we're supposed to be. We're getting into it. Oh, that is quite good. Do you feel tropical?

SPEAKER_01 8:14

I think it's a bit lightweight, this drink. It's not the same as Lylt.

SPEAKER_03 8:18

It's no Lylt. No. But it's very tropical. It is. I feel like I've punched a monkey off of a tree.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

Queera, I also have a second gift for you, which was given to me in Australia. I was trying already, just to say. Thank you. Exactly. Yeah. Um, this gift was given to me on Australia by a fan of Tart Talk, of Coco and of Queerer. And this is their gift, which has literally been in my suitcase for a few months, and I've forgotten to bring it. But here it is. Close your eyes. Okay, I'm close my eyes. And just hold out a hand.

SPEAKER_03 8:49

And holding out the left hand so that people know. Oh. Here you are. Oh, okay. I'm gonna open it up. I love this. It's a headscarf.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:00

Oh, fabulous. I shall wear it.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

And you've been invited to join the Taliban, darling.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

Do you know what? It's not the first invite from the Taliban I've had. Really? No, definitely not, no. They know a good a good one when they get one, you see. A good what? Uh well just a good their HR is is phenomenal. Taliban HR must be quite good now. It's beautiful. Well, I just want to say a big thank you to who who is this from again? Sarah in Australia. From Sarah. Australia. I thought you said New Zealand. No, no, Australia. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Did I say New Zealand?

SPEAKER_03 9:30

You did, I th yes. Oh really? No, no, I meant Australia. Oh, Australia. Yeah. Well, they not did they not come over to Australia?

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Yes! You're right. Don't lump up the colonials into one big colonial basket. She was in New Zealand, flew over to see me perform in Sydney. Uh. And this is a gift for you.

SPEAKER_03 9:48

Well, I would just like to say a big thank you to Sarah from Denmark for this uh headscarf because I shall wear it at my next show. Thank you and God bless.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Well done. Well, there we go.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

I love that's great.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Okay, I think it's time we deep dive into our specialist subject of the week. Do it, queera.

SPEAKER_05 10:10

Deep dive, deep deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep. Dive, deep dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, deep, deep, dive.

SPEAKER_03 10:27

Right. I, when I was last on a shooting range, I got five bullseyez with an AK-47. Really? And there was a talent scout there, much like I'd have to say.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Like with Premier League footballers.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

Yes. They have talent scouts. Like, you know, Arsenal under 16s. There's always somebody there from the England squad, like watching out. And um, I had a lovely member of the Taliban approach me. He gave me his card. I couldn't read the last three numbers because there was a bullet hole from it. And um I I you know, I've been invited out. Uh, I haven't gone yet. Uh it's been a bit rocky over there, but I I've been told literally. It's quite rocky. It's quite rocky. Well, the cave I was gonna get was quite a rocky cave. Is that what they promise you? Your own cave? My own cave with Wi-Fi. With Wi-Fi, really? With Wi-Fi. Good bandwidth. Uh, and uh car parking space, which we know living in London is very important.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

I mean, upper upper rocky outcrop, that's gonna be great having a car parking spot.

SPEAKER_03 11:21

I'm not sure my mini is gonna be able to handle the IEDs and stuff of northern Afghanistan. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Improvised explosive dildos for those for those who just need to be remotely.

SPEAKER_03 11:32

It will take that. That's the gear stick. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

So so here's the thing. If honestly, like it may well be necessary for us to go and get in touch with the Taliban to help them rebrand, particularly with their outfits. I think we need to introduce them to some young and up-and-coming fashion influencers.

SPEAKER_03 11:51

Well, you say this, but uh think of it like this they are the ultimate in dealing with the heat and heat waves in particular, you see. We could learn a thing or two from the Taliban and how to deal with the heat. We're all still dressing for winter. Britain is made for the winter, it's made for cold, desolate climates, which is why we struggle over here. I met a charming Indian lady, which I think all Indian ladies are quite charming. I met a charming Indian lady. It's the voice, isn't it? I met this charming. If I could set my Alexa to it, I would. I met this charming Indian lady, and uh she told me that back in southern India where she where she lives, it feels cooler than it does in London in summer. In southern India? In southern India, she said. Yeah. Bloody hell. I know. And she didn't have a lanyard or a career or anything. She was she was on her own.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

If you don't have a lanyard, then I'm not gonna take you seriously.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

Well, no, I did, because the lanyard to me would suggest that she she shouldn't be taken seriously.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Oh, oh, I see. Like if you find her out uh walking around like she's got outside.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

She didn't have like a wristband or anything, she was just out enjoying herself. So yeah, uh like we could learn a thing or two from from our Taliban brothers and sisters.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

I think I think we can. I heard on the grapevine that to keep cool they keep Calipos up their asses. This is true. Is that true? Which does seem quite because if if the French put suppositoires up their bums to get their meds. Dirty bastards. Well, then why wouldn't you put a Calippo or a what's the other one? A twister. A rocket lolly. Yeah, up your backside. No, no, serious question. If you were trying to keep cool, why wouldn't you?

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Well, uh should we give it a go? Well, I don't have a Calippo.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

I don't have a Calippo, and the problem with that is when we've got the cans of seven up, they're quite girthy.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

I don't know whether I fancy one of those at this time of day, darling. I'm quite up for the cool, the you know, the cooling nature of the can, but the eye water of being stretched out like a HS2 tunnel.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Yeah. There's no there's no um sort of cone to ease it in. And the angle as well. It that's intense. That's at least, I would say that that width. Three inches.

SPEAKER_03 14:07

It it would be like getting shagged by a prize bull. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, to be fair, you know, in this heat. In this heat? Some people get frothier in the heat.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Is that why they all go to Pampelona to do that run? That's what it's really about. They're hoping to get shagged. I think so.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Really? It's why they're so randy down there. I think we should do that. We should go bull running. I'd love to see you being chased by a bull.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

It'd be really in high no, but we have to do it in high heat. No, I I would be watching with my Panama hat. You're doing it with me.

SPEAKER_03 14:35

Like some kind of creepy British expat colonial. And I would love to see you being chased by a bull. I'll do it. I've been chased by a bull before. Have you really? Yeah. When?

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Crete. No, no, I want to see you. I was trying to think of something like I'm a celebrity, get me out of here with some like nature challenge. I I want to see you uh swim across a river with crocodiles in.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

I'd do that.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Would you? I think so. Like the Nile. If we were on one of those Nile cruises like Agatha Christie and you accidentally plopped off the side, would you back yourself?

SPEAKER_03 15:10

Well, I can't swim very well.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Well, that's gonna be a problem. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

So I don't mind the crocodiles. If you back yourself and you can't swim, I think you're deluded. Do you know? I've almost drowned twice in life. Really? Not from like any like being hit by a speedboat like that person from Glee, but more like um swimming, but then realizing I can't swim, and then I just start to drown. What were the circumstances? So once was up in a lake in the Bavarian mountains, a perfect place to die for me. I'd have been up there with all the knights of old, you know, ghost marching away. Uh but uh everyone, all my friends swam into this island in the middle of this uh lake up in the mountains. They were like, Come on, queerer, you can do it, you can do it. And I jumped in and I was swimming out. Have I never told you this story? And I was swimming out, and I must have got about 15 metres, and I could hear this German bloke go, He swims like a dog, ya. And then I started to go under, and the next thing I know, I've got a friend pulling me into the shore. Hang on, did you did you learn to swim? I did, I think when I was a kid, I did, but it it hasn't stuck with me, really.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

So you went in completely forgetting that you can't swim. Not well. Not well. Well, I mean, what's more calm than a lake in Bavaria?

SPEAKER_03 16:33

Well, I've always been a fan of fake it till you make it, and it it it doesn't it doesn't work with swimming. Yeah, that definitely doesn't work. But I admire your p I admire your pluck. This is the same holiday where Almost choked to death on Schnitzel at a restaurant called De Hexenhausen, which you all know is the witch's house. The Hexenhausen uh in Nuremberg. And um you almost choked to death, and some Germans were laughing about it, and my my friends uh very Britishly went, Oh, I think I think Queer might be choking to death. And they went, Queer, are you choking to death? And I obviously couldn't speak because vision was going. And they went, I think he might be. Should we do something about it? Well, I think we should. And then they they sorted me out. Uh and then we almost got in a fight with the German table because they were taking the piss out of us for being British, which is incredible to me. I find that hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Which is outrageous. It is outrageous. I thought it'd be fine to choke on a large frank photo because then you could just at least you can find the end and pull it out.

SPEAKER_03 17:28

No, that's you you it was a schnitzel. You're the one who's thinking of sausage. Schnitzel? I won't eat a sausage in public because I know people will get aroused. People n people will see me take a sausage on it, they get they get on it.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

So you you're happy to take a big schnitzel in the mouth, but you won't take a chody can of Lilt up your ass.

SPEAKER_03 17:45

You could say that, yeah. So, what's been the best part about your week or since I last saw you?

SPEAKER_01 18:00

The best part of my fortnight since I last saw you, queerer. What what have I done? Um That sounded a bit a bit barbed. I you know I've not been well. What's been the best thing about my two weeks? What the fuck have I done? I've done so much, I've done a lot. I've done tours, I've been to the British Museum. Sold out tours. Sold out tours, thank you very much.

SPEAKER_03 18:26

Um and I point out they're sold out because I want everyone to remember that you're a humble person.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

I literally have to look at my diary. Why don't you go first? Quirrell, what was the what's been a highlight of your week?

SPEAKER_03 18:39

Well, look, since I last saw you, uh a pass my driving test, right, which was fabulous. Do you want to see the lights? I actually would love to. There you go. So I'm a driving test. Bought a car, which I'm obsessed with and I love it dearly. Um got heat exhaustion and almost had to go to hospital, which is why we've been off. Uh, and then Pride, the very feeble me, like Tiny Tim's unborn fucking twin, uh, managed to make it around the course. I say course as if it's like a kind of Mario Kart like track. Um and I did it with the Pearly Queens and Kings of East London, who are a fabulous organisation, very historic. And I I got recognised a few times around the track, you see, and I'm I I ever I love those people. My my fans are the best. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

As you sh as you should be with 31,000 Instagram followers. Wow. Haven't you got like 200 and something? I've got two two hundred and something, yeah, two hundred and twenty something.

SPEAKER_03 19:39

Yeah. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Please don't emphasize 31 as it's No, it's it's amaz I mean I mean I you know, I we're we're all doing our bit. You'll doing our bit. You'll be up there, you'll that maybe one day you'll you'll overtake the rest of us. Just remember us, queera. When you're at the the heights, the the zenith of your fame, looking down with all your millions of followers. That's when the scandals come out there. Oh yes. That's why that's why keep your enemies close, my darling. That's right.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

Why do you think we do this show? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 20:09

We just we just literally like we gossip, we find out each other's dirt, and then we file it away for when it's needed.

SPEAKER_03 20:16

Oh, I've got many files on you.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Oh, I've got thousands of documents about you.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

I'd like to imagine that our files represent us, so mine is like a really nice, tall, thin file, and the file you've got for me is like short and you know a bit dented around the back.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

Well, I have a little short filing cabinet for you. For my stuff, I have I have a sort of skyscraper height filing cabinet. Very long, thin pieces of paper. Yeah. That's I think what my custom letter would be if I had custom letters.

SPEAKER_03 20:43

It would just be one really long strip with one letter. Yeah, yeah, one letter per. You have to read it like hieroglyphics.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Well, that's not a bad idea, actually, because I can read hieroglyphics. So go on, your week. So, my week, I mean, what's been going on? Darling, I've just been like in London, I've been doing tours. I went I had a nice time at the British Museum. I I saw the locket of Catherine of Aragon and Henry VIII, which I forgot was in the British Museum, because I am associate that more with sort of ancient things.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Um it's rather fabulous. I've and it's quite big. You know what's coming as well, thanks to our glorious king uh speaking to Le French, the Bayot Tapestry, it's on its way.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

The Bayot Tapestry is in fact, because I asked them here. It's arrived. We need to go together.

SPEAKER_03 21:34

I'm not suggesting we do a podcast on it, but we just need to go together and soak in the beauty. Because yes, that'd be fantastic. We probably should.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

I will try and get us tickets. They I spoke to them about it. So the person uh part of that organization team said it came on a private train on the channel tunnel.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

Like the Fuhrer train. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

On a private train. Yeah, so it is in the UK now. We don't know where I don't have any more details.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

But it was made by English people.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

It was made by I think it was made by it was woven by English women. By English nuns.

SPEAKER_03 22:13

Yes. Yeah. That would make sense.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Sisters and nuns. Sisters and nuns. Sisters and nuns. It's quite gossipy the bear tapestry. Maybe we should do an episode on it.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

I would be up for that. If you'd like that, everybody, uh, just don't respond and we'll do it anyway.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Can I tell you one thing? But Helena Troy was from Brixton.

SPEAKER_03 22:33

There is actually a theory that Troy was in England. Really? I've been listening to a lot of stuff about Troy recently. Not because of the film, but because I'm genuinely interested in it.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

This is what we should start the podcast with. So what's the theory about what's the theory about I didn't listen to it, to be honest. You've just said no.

SPEAKER_03 22:49

I've got a theory, and I said, what's the I said there is a theory about it's the same way. You know, when people say Hitler moved to Argentina and died at like 78 or whatever, I don't listen to them either because it's bollocks. If I know something it's bollocks, I just really won't dive into it. Apart from Flat Earth, which is fascinating.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Fat Flat Earth's fascinating. But I want to hear what the tr Trojan England theory is.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

I don't know it.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Where is Troy in England? I didn't know we'd be talking about Troy. What county is Troy in if it had to be it's well obviously Troy's coastal. I can imagine it's like North Wales. You think it's North? I imagine sort of like the Sussex coast.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

Or like off like maybe the Midlands or like Hull. Well the Tro Trojans were Hittites, really. They were off off like grid Hittites.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

Here we go, we're getting into it now.

SPEAKER_03 23:33

So we are getting into it. Yeah. It's nice when people know we're educated, isn't it? Um, okay, I okay, yes, North East England, Newcastle Hull. That that's that's my Troy Vice.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Yeah, that's where I think if Troy was in England, and why would you want to invade Troy in England? That's a question.

SPEAKER_03 23:53

Well, much like how the real Troy, the big wars over the real Troy is because it's on the Hellanus Straits, uh, which connects the Black Sea to the Aegean.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

So it's a strategic vantage point.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

Very much a strategic vantage point. Like Gallipoli. Like Gallipoli. That's on the other side of the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally opposite. Yeah, yeah. Where Troy was.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

So two two two disasters in the span of two thousand years.

SPEAKER_03 24:16

Yeah. Although hypothetically, the Mycenaean attack on uh the Aegean city of Troy it was actually a success.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

It was, it would take them a while. But they can I just can I just have another I know I know our subject's heat waves, but it it might be it we're so off up, it would have been warm. It would have been warm, it would have been bloody warm. Can I can I just say one thing? Yes, is that I've got a soft spot for a particular brand of condoms, and the name is Trojan. I just want to say, firstly, iconically, what a brilliant name that is, but actually, when you think about it, how completely uh incorrect that is because the Trojans, their walls were breached by a giant wooden horse, and the enemy soldiers, i.e. the sperm, the Greeks, flooded in. That is not the good n a good name for a contraception brand.

SPEAKER_03 25:08

Do you reckon that the Do you agree? Well, I I agree 100%, and that is a very good observation. But do you reckon that the Trojan horse had a willy on it? Do you reckon they built a giant wooden knob on the wooden horse? Now that or was it a female or was it a female?

SPEAKER_01 25:21

Well, they needed to come out of the horse at night. And often in in um films and stuff, they portray it as just having a hatch. But actually, because I was there, I can tell you that they came out of a wooden vagina.

SPEAKER_03 25:35

I was gonna say it would be a large muff.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:39

But what kind of wood was it?

SPEAKER_01 25:40

It was quite soft wood. It was it was a light, like you know, lollipop sticks. Oh, black, yes. Which you then leave to soak. That'd be quite nice. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So they had one of the one of the Greek soldier boys, his job was to keep the soldier boy was there. Soldier boy. Soldier boy, I tell you. Oh his job, his job was to keep the uh wooden horse's vagina moist and flexible so that the soldiers could squeeze out at night. And I I was in the belly of the horse for about 72 hours. Basically, it was a lock-in.

SPEAKER_03 26:16

That would have been hot as fuck. Like, I mean not to remind everyone, but I now have a car, and I I park it's it's a convertible mini, it's great. I I I park it under a tree, right? Because it's hot and the shade of the tree. Thank you for this explanation. I love the way you have to explain things to me. Like you think I'm a kindergarten. No, no, no, no. But I there's no, I've I don't have a problem with our listeners. I love them. But I'm guaranteed I can guarantee you I have a problem. I can well, if they listen to this, there's something wrong with them. But I can guarantee you there's at least one person that would be like, Why would he park his car under a tree? I say that again, but I'll use the word she. Why would she park her car under a tree? And that's why. But I have an issue with it because I've got a softly topped convertible, bits of the tree just absolutely fuck my car. Oh, really? So I'm popping down there like an old man with a bottle of water every day. It's like cleaning the top of my roof.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Yeah, you shouldn't park a soft top convertible under a tree in England.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

But it's hot. Also, can I just same with the Trojan horse? In there, there'd have been about 80 Greek men sweating. Probably probably took their took hairy. Yeah, probably took all their clothes off just to cool off. They did. I was there. You know, but then why would they let you in as a woman? What? Why? Women aren't. Because it was my idea. Oh, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

I was party planner.

SPEAKER_03 27:36

Were you like the Irish bloke from the Titanic? You were just kind of like you had to make sure it worked, so you went along on the voyage.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

How dare you say, are you like the Irish bloke? There is no elegance to that phrase also. Also, I'm now. Can I can you shut up? Because I'm upset with you for saying um our listeners. We do not have listeners, we only have tarts. You're right. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 28:00

Would you like me to apologize?

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Do I want to ask someone to issue a formal apology? I get around one or two of these a year. Yes, I would like you to issue a formal apology.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Well, I'm only going to do it to our Japanese listeners who are loyal. It's loyal. It's part of their culture. Please do. It's the samurai way of life. I'd like to apologize to a Japanese uh contingency of roughly 90 people. It's gone up. 90? Yeah. Are you joking? We've got 90 Japanese listeners. Well, to be fair, it was 81 like on average last time. That's amazing. Got up nine in it's a series three. That's amazing. It is amazing. I remember when we were on one. The sad reality, we were so excited. The sad reality is that we only do this for our Japanese listeners. It's it might be true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:47

So we get basically. Sorry, but Koko, how would I apologize in Japanese?

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Um, well, it depends to whom the status and therefore the grammar and the words you use, but I probably go for extremely formal, like you're apologizing to his Imperial Majesty, the Emperor of Japan. Well, he is listening. So I would probably say something like, Um, Your Excellency, uh, by the grace of your wisdom, I hereby ask for your full forgiveness with me on my knees. So I'd probably say that translates as let me just do a few little oh yeah. So Honju Karyo Sutu Aramataeo, Kashki Dadesta, Hajamashta. That's how I probably would say it. Obviously, you can you can add your own impression. Sure, sure. Well, maybe no, I I think I'll just leave it at that. No, you want one more. You don't want to kiss us, do you? I don't want to kiss us too much. No. Or you could say, Hindi haratodore, motor. Hadiah. Probably something like that. Our specialist subject was supposed to be heat waves. We're not talking about heat waves at all. But it does get hot in Japan. It does get hot in Japan. With all that armour on.

SPEAKER_03 30:16

Yeah, with all that armor on. Oh god. Right. Shall we do a confession or a question or what?

SPEAKER_01 30:22

Do we have anything more to say about anything? Heat waves. It's hot. It's hot. It's bloody. What's your favourite desert? Oh, can I can I say one more thing? I think we just start this part here. Can I just ask one thing?

SPEAKER_03 30:38

What's your favourite desert?

SPEAKER_01 30:39

No, no. I I struggle. I really, really struggle with what? With the difference in spelling between desert and dessert. Is there a difference? Well, one's hot and one's sandy. No, one's sandy and one well, you can have hot desserts. I don't like hot desserts. Baked Alaska. No. So would you rather have a desert or a lactose intolerant now?

SPEAKER_03 31:03

So desserts are not my well.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Well, there's no milk in the desert. Oh, it's a camel milk. Can I drink camel milk? You could. Is there a camel? Make sure it's a female. What's my favourite desert? Great question. Favourite desert? Now I'm thinking sandy, rocky, or icy. What you could be pedantic. That annoys me. Alright, all right.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

No, when people say the Antarctica is a desert, I just I just want to punch them in the face.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

What you want is Sandy Duny Tintin Desert. That's what you're about.

SPEAKER_03 31:35

I want Sandy Dooney. Well, obviously, I'm gonna say the Sahara. That's a very basic one.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Well, and well, you can't accuse me. And na so on one hand I'm pedantic. On the other hand, I can't be. There's nothing wrong with basic. Simplicity, I know what I want. I want desert and oasis. I could go Not the band. Not the band. I don't want I don't want to be in the middle of the Sahara, desperate, gagging for a a glass of cool vodka, and Noel and Liam Gallagher arrive in their fucking jackets.

SPEAKER_03 32:08

If I was in the desert dying of dehydration, right? And of course I've recently had heat heat exhaustion, so I've I've been you know I've been close. Um if I was in the desert dying of dehydration, and I have actually once been lost in the African bush and you know, very dehydrated before, and Oasis started singing Wonder Wall, I would find the nearest lion and put my fucking neck in its mouth. That's what I would do.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

I'd put them in the lion's mouth. I wouldn't mind seeing Noel and Liam Gallagher eaten to death by African animals. Eaten to death. I'd like to see Noel No, not Noel, Liam, because Liam Noel's alright. No, Noel's fine. Noel's actually talented. Liam just happened to be born with a nice voice.

SPEAKER_03 32:53

Not now. Have you heard them sing now? It's dreadful. Is it? Oh, it's just yeah, it's just crap. It's just not it's not good.

SPEAKER_01 33:00

Well, another that's another point in my favourite. I would like to see Liam Gallagher ripped apart by laughing hyenas. They would be laughing. I'd be laughing. I'd be laughing. I'd be as you're in your African bush, which sounded quite sexual by the way. Have I never told you about that? No. I tried No, you go on, go on.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

Yeah, I tried to find a quick route home from work when I worked in Africa. And um this is so general.

SPEAKER_01 33:22

When I worked in Africa You sound like you're in the 19th century.

SPEAKER_03 33:26

Well, pretty much, yes. And uh my usual route took like a long way round, and I thought, well over there is where I'm walking to. So fuck it, I'll walk that way. And I didn't have the car then. Not my new car, but I didn't have the car then. So I I picked, I went, I thought I'm gonna go across and I well as I walked, what I actually did was take a complete fucking U-turn, and I was lost in like the African bush for about four hours, no shade, no water, it was terrible. And then a kind of like old tribal fella gave me some water out of a bottle, and that's where I caught dysentery.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

From the oh from the that's racist. You could have got it from somewhere else. That's very racist. Assuming I I have you know, he th if if you were where I think you were, I think at around that time, didn't they have a brand deal with Evia? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:20

However, they do refill the bottles in local wells. And to counteract the idea that it was a racist assumption that he gave me dysentery, it's actually my white feeble immune system that couldn't handle it.

SPEAKER_01 34:36

Well, well, well. How the tables have turned.

SPEAKER_03 34:39

I remember. This is true. I I've I've had African friends that I've worked with, right?

SPEAKER_01 34:44

You know when you know when someone's not right. I my African friends. Yeah, but this is important. This is important because it But hang on, were they white Africans or black Africans? Or indeed Chinese Africans? They were they were Inuit Africans, they were Inuit Africans.

SPEAKER_03 34:59

Ice fishing was not going well. Eskimos in Africa. Eskimos in Africa. That's a cartoon. That's um anyway. So uh I remember one of my African friends, uh, they they they saw me in the hospital, right? And I was on death's door. Like I was it was a really bad situation. And she just looked at me and she went, You are weak. Really? Yeah, she goes, Why do people are weak? And she meant it as well. And it was there was no like love, it wasn't like a kind of banter, it was just you're weak. Wow. And that was and then she said to my friend Alice that she'd got fat. It's just beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

That's quite a quite a thing to have happened.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

I just want this on record. I miss Africa and it's a beautiful place. Why don't every human should see Africa before they die?

SPEAKER_01 35:46

And we don't mean that in a sort of neal neo-colonial term. We're not suggesting, darlings, you go off and you try and conquer Africa.

SPEAKER_03 35:54

No, we no, no.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

Should we have a question or a confession? Well, hang on a sec. Because you asked me what my favourite desert is. What's your favourite desert? Or desert?

SPEAKER_03 36:03

The Arabian Peninsula.

SPEAKER_01 36:06

Is that a desert?

SPEAKER_03 36:07

But I suppose so. There's a there's a a big sandy clog in the middle of it, yes. I like the Bedouin. Sandy clog. I like the Bedouin way of life. What do you like about it? It's something romantic about it. The fact the fact that, you know, they they like Lawrence of Arabia kind of shit.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

I like that. I like Lawrence of Arabia. Lawrence of Mylabia as well.

SPEAKER_03 36:28

You're probably related to him, aren't you, you posh old dildo.

SPEAKER_01 36:32

I might be. I might be. Right. Yeah. I was gonna play a game called Um Desert or Desert, where I read out and you have to guess whether it's a real desert or a dessert.

SPEAKER_03 36:43

Have you pre-planned this? Yes. Right? Okay, we'll definitely play it. Okay. Do you want to do a jingle? You do a jingle.

SPEAKER_04 36:49

Welcome to Desert or Desert.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

Okay, here we are. Are you ready to play Desert or Desert? No. Okay. Here we go. What and this is sort of which do these refer to? Oh god. Sticky date pudding. Is that desert or dessert? Desert. It's correct. Yeah. Sand dune. Desert or desert? Desert. It's a desert. It is correct. Eaton mess.

SPEAKER_03 37:21

Desert or dessert. Well, Eaton is famously uh people don't know this, it's in the middle of the Gobi Desert. But I'm gonna say it's uh desert.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

It's correct.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

Um Oasis. Uh I wouldn't want to listen to that during dessert, so I'm gonna say desert.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

That's correct. Um Lemon Tarte. Dessert. Well done.

SPEAKER_03 37:46

Baclava.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Ooh, the backlava desert.

SPEAKER_03 37:50

That's a very good one. And there's not an option for both, is there? It's one or the other. No, one or the other. Baclava. I'm gonna say dessert.

SPEAKER_01 37:57

It is.

SPEAKER_03 37:58

Well done. Fata morgana. Fata morgana. Can you do it in the accent it's supposed to be in? A fatamagana? What? Fata magana? Desert. It's dessert! Oh, I was on for a hundred percent. Fata morgana is a type of dessert. And the final one, Milfoy. Well, I don't want to play now. I was on for a hundred, I'm sulking. Milfoy, that's a dessert. It's a dessert! Fuck! Milfoy! Did you not know? It's a French dessert. No. Has it got milk in it? It might do. You insensitive fuck. Most desserts do, darling. Yeah, well, thank you for reminding me of my boring life now.

SPEAKER_01 38:39

Fata Morgana, what the fuck is that? I liked that game. Well, it's a very difficult game.

SPEAKER_03 38:45

Yes. Not f not easy, I would say. Dessert or desert. It wasn't easy to be in it either, to be honest. And I'm sure our listeners haven't found it easy to listen to. Remember to press stop? Yeah. Do you do you want are you still chewing a carrot? Coco is sat in front of me. Chewing a carrot. Well I can't smoke in here. No. So I smoke carrots.

SPEAKER_05 39:08

Deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, deep.

SPEAKER_03 39:14

Dive. Ricey then. Uh confession. It is time for Coco's Confessions. Which is my favourite jingle. Shall I kick it off? Do it, darling.

SPEAKER_06 39:27

Confession. Confess. Your session. The wedding of the Lord. Confession. Confessions.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

Dear Coco. And this is a foreign one as well. Queensland, where's that? Or is that Australia? No, it's in near Bolton, I think. Okay, Bolton. Dear Coco. I have recently started. It's Australia, I was joking. Oh, is it? Oh. Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't I don't know. I don't know. Dear Coco. I have recently started to watch Granny Porn online. I'm 22. Should I be concerned? And that is from Mikey in Queensland.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

Well, firstly, if we're in Queensland and you're watching Granny Porn, then there's no hope for you. And I know there's not a lot to do in Queensland.

SPEAKER_03 40:21

What have we got in Queensland? We've got a bit of jungle. I'd just like to apologise to the audience who think that Coco might sound like she's having a tooth operation. I've got a carrot in my mouth.

SPEAKER_01 40:29

So, Queensland, what's there? Brisbane, the Gold Coast, a bit of tropical stuff.

SPEAKER_03 40:35

And nothing more. I've just realised we've opened up an Australian box, haven't we? Go on, mention your sold-out tour.

SPEAKER_01 40:42

So during my sold-out tour run in Australia.

SPEAKER_03 40:45

Did you go to Queensland?

SPEAKER_01 40:46

I actually didn't, but a lot of a lot of my coconuts were begging and gagging for me to come, but I like to keep them waiting. Well maybe maybe this guy wanted some old meat. I think you did. Are you implying me? That I mean you get a slap for that. You get an absolute slap for that. So listen. Do we judge? I don't think so. It all depends what genre of granny porn. Because I think it does a disservice for the geriatricians in the adult film world, just to say granny porn.

SPEAKER_03 41:19

Yeah, I would I mean that's so um reductive. The larger the tuner, the longer it swam in the sea. I would say that it's it's fine to like an older woman, Maggie. It's beautiful, in fact. You know, there's experience. You won't be the first pole she's slid down, you know. She you can she she'll she'll enjoy it more. She might be more grateful for it. And if she's a widow, she might have some cash. So think of it like that. But um Well he's not he's not meeting her, he's watching Granny porn. Oh, I know, but but I think he wants to know whether or not this is okay for him to explore further.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, interesting. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 41:56

But I would always say the problem with those kind of like, you know, 80 to 20 relationships is you're gonna you're gonna have a bit of a uh, you know, a flow of relationships because they're gonna keep dying on you. That's true. But if you are genuinely into a nice older slice of muff, go and get it.

SPEAKER_01 42:13

Don't worry about it. It's what I would call a reverse DiCaprio. So if you're into a reverse DiCaprio, then fair enough.

SPEAKER_03 42:23

Yeah, no one will stop you. No. And Australian, old Australian birds have gotta have some game about them, surely.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

Absolutely. I've met I've met I've actually performed in old people's homes. I'm sure you have as well. In Australia. Maybe in Australia, yes, in Australia especially. And I can tell you, some of those people, men as well, are absolute top shaggers.

SPEAKER_03 42:46

They're they're sex farms, is what they are. I are I did a show in an old people's home in East London, right? And it was proper, like old school, right? And uh part way through the gig, I was singing the oldie worldie music, and I said to them, I go, Are you all enjoying yourself, right? And there was like a yeah, and uh one old boy at the back just went, Nah shit. How old was he? Probably about I don't know, 42. No, no, no, no. He was he must have been late 80s, early 90s. But the fact he he loudly told me I was shit, I loved that. That's great.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

Yeah, because we have this impression of old people being so somehow dodgery and polite and not quite with it. Like they're with it and they they'll tell you. The best thing is having a conversation with someone who's old, but they're razor sharp and you can see it in their eyes. I that's probably my favourite conversations. Like when I was a bit younger, I when I was at dinner parties and stuff, I would always get sat next to the grannies.

SPEAKER_03 43:44

Sorry, how old were you when you were going to dinner parties?

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Probably like I don't know, but you know, when I was in my teenage years.

SPEAKER_03 43:50

Really? You went to dinner parties as a teenager you weren't like down the bot the park with a bottle of black fawn cider, like No Wow. We had very different upbringings.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

Yeah. So I was at a dinner party and I was called a granny specialist. That was my role. Because I like talking to old people.

SPEAKER_03 44:08

And you lesed off with them, didn't you?

SPEAKER_01 44:10

Maybe. Depended on the quality of the dessert. Yeah. If it was a pavlova, if it's a sort of a nice, you know, meringues. If they're too crunchy. Ugh.

SPEAKER_03 44:20

Never had a meringue in my whole life.

SPEAKER_01 44:21

We never had a meringue. No. There's a type of a particular type of meringue where you bite into it and it's the perfect texture of there's crunch and then there's uh this soft whippy foam and then there's chew, and it is delicious.

SPEAKER_03 44:36

Do you know what I like? Post-revolution, I know I'd survive and you wouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

Which one? Uh post-revolution.

SPEAKER_03 44:41

Let's say we had a commi one in the UK. I would definitely survive and you would not.

SPEAKER_01 44:47

Well, it depends what type of rev. If it was a if it was an upper class revolution, then I would say No, a commi one. Oh, sorry, you did say it commies. Like Cmir Rouge. Sorry, sorry. Um well no, because I've survived many revolutions already. Italian, French, American. You should get out in time. Russian, no problem. Yeah. And also You wouldn't this time.

SPEAKER_03 45:07

The Poles.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

The Povs loved him. No, no. The Poles. I'm not a The Poles, exactly. The Poles love me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Poles love me. So wherever I go, I'm protected by Polish people.

SPEAKER_03 45:18

And they're the best people to protect you, to be fair. Because they're loving as fuck.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

And they're fucking hard as nails, the Poles.

SPEAKER_03 45:23

Yeah, they are. Don't fuck with them. Don't fuck with the Poles. No. Shagger. Shagga granny, Mikey.

SPEAKER_01 45:31

I think why say the word granny? Would you have sex with someone you're attracted to who's above the legal age and it's consensual? Yes. Go for it. Do we really give a fuck what age someone is, whether you're listening to this? If you're 120 or you're 20, we don't really give a fuck. Just wrap it up before you slap it up and have a good time. It is now time for queerest questions. Questions. Who, where, what, why, when, how. Questions, questions. Who, why, what, when, how.

SPEAKER_00 46:18

Question. Question. Question. Question. Question. Question. Question. Question.

SPEAKER_02 46:25

Is it a question or not?

SPEAKER_03 46:29

Well, uh, this is from Newfoundland. Which I do believe is somewhere in Wales.

SPEAKER_01 46:35

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 46:35

Yeah, absolutely. Uh, so hello queerer. It's a bit annoying. You got deer, and I got hello. I think that's a bit sad.

SPEAKER_01 46:43

It just shows, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_03 46:44

It just shows. It says something, doesn't it? Hello, Queerer. Is it acceptable to expect a woman to split the bill on the first date? I went on a first date with this bird the other day, and she expected me to pay the lot. Am I wrong to think splitting is okay? Ben Newfoundland. I'd like to point out I changed the word girl to bird because I didn't like the word girl.

SPEAKER_01 47:08

Fine. Well, listen, because firstly, if you're in Wales and you're a young man and you've got a date, congratulations. Yeah. Yeah, I think Newfoundland. Then well done for a start near Newport. Because there's only about six women in Wales. Exactly. So if you've managed to get a date, which is quite a feat, and then she's saying, can we split it? I mean, look, follow, follow each of those decisions. You say no, you're gonna look like a proper stingy twat.

SPEAKER_03 47:42

Yeah. And also, you know, splitting splitting what I can only imagine to be a half penny for one cabbage that you're, you know, both eating without cutlery. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 47:52

I darling, do you know what? I think just dig into your savings account and cough up. I really do.

SPEAKER_03 47:58

But is chivalry dead? Well here's the thing some some women get in a hissy. I opened a door for another woman the other day. See what I did there. I opened the door for a fellow woman the other day and she gave me a bit of a look.

SPEAKER_01 48:13

Don't say fellow woman, there's that's irony in that.

SPEAKER_03 48:16

Fellow. Yeah, well I'm a fellow woman.

SPEAKER_01 48:19

A fellow woman. Yes. Okay, fine.

SPEAKER_03 48:21

Yes. Well, I opened the door for her and she gave me a look as if she kind of said, Don't you patronize me.

SPEAKER_01 48:26

I don't hold the door open for anyone. Especially women. Especially women. They hold the door open for me. The only person I'll hold the door open for is His Excellency, the Imperial Majesty in Japan.

SPEAKER_03 48:40

But the revolving door fascinates me because obviously I do a lot of exposes on ex-gay people online. And quite a few of them have revolving doors on the front of their closets. And I I like that. What do you mean? Well they're in and out, aren't they? You say? Because you could in you can always you can remain in a revolving door. It's like Schrdinger's I don't know fist.

SPEAKER_01 49:01

Schrodinger's fist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how does Schrdinger's fist work again?

SPEAKER_03 49:07

Basically, are you ever if if someone is fisting you, right, and you can't see the fist. Is it in you? Is it in you?

SPEAKER_01 49:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or are you imagining it? Or are you imagining Schrdinger's fist? Schrdinger and and I imagine that was the original, and they were like saying to Schrdinger, Thanks, babe, but do you think you might just want to tone that down a bit? Like I get we get it. Like, I don't think you need to lead him with fisting, and he'd be like, Yeah, I know we need to lead with fisting. This is important.

SPEAKER_03 49:43

Typical European fantasy man, you know. But this is exactly like our meeting with Dr. Pepper, you know, like we get what you're doing, we know who you are. So hang on, hang on, hang on.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

So therefore, Schrdinger's cat is if there's a cat up your arse, but and then you look around, is that right? It disappears. If if you feel if what if you feel a cat up your ass, don't look round, otherwise it will disappear. Is that correct? Is that Shrodinger's cat?

SPEAKER_03 50:19

I suppose if anything's up your ass, it's n it's it does it exist really, you know?

SPEAKER_01 50:24

Yeah, because d aren't there anal digestive juices which dissolve things.

SPEAKER_03 50:29

Think of the we talked about them earlier. Think of the suppositories for the French. Yeah, the French. You know, that get literally gets rid of a headache.

SPEAKER_01 50:36

I've I I just love the French logic. We don't like the French, do we? I love the French. I have I have a great respect for the French. The question is who started putting things up their asses and why? And the Romans, of course, were in Gaul. So does that mean Caesar introduced like our stuff to Gaul?

SPEAKER_03 50:54

Sorry, I've just remembered the question was should you split the bill on a date?

SPEAKER_01 51:04

Because Caesar they invented all these things for their fortresses, like those little wooden spikes, which were called lily, lily, like lilies. So does that mean they were ramming those? Do you know do you do you see where I'm getting?

SPEAKER_03 51:17

They were very horny people, the Romans. Very horny people.

SPEAKER_01 51:20

Did they come before our stuff? Ancient Egypt.

SPEAKER_03 51:23

Didn't anyone put their Definitely in every culture? Someone's put something up their ass. Anything you can think of, take this room, for example. Most things in this room, someone a clock, someone has tried to put a clock up their ass. A large bottle of Diet Coke, someone has definitely tried to put their ass up.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

Do you think anyone's tried to put a Bible up their ass?

SPEAKER_03 51:41

Yes. Who? Well have you think about it? If you if you take the pages out and roll them up, you can easily do it.

SPEAKER_01 51:47

That's is that why the pages are so thin? Because they're like someone said, listen, I've got this problem.

SPEAKER_03 51:53

Do you know what annoys me about that? Go on. Like if you're trying to get me in deeper into your religion, don't give me a book that I can break easily. You know, I I want a stern I like a book that fights me back, you know. So That's why I like cactuses. So hang on.

SPEAKER_01 52:09

I thought people quite like Bible pages because they could use them for cigarette papers.

SPEAKER_03 52:14

True fact. And historically people just used to doodle in them all the time. I've got a Bible somewhere in this house from the 16th century, and in there is instructions in the back on how to deal with a particularly difficult beast. And it's an instruction from a dad to his son, he's leaving him for like two weeks, how to deal with an angry cow. Really? Yeah, it's amazing, but I can't find it. Sorry, I know that's not good for the show, but it is amazing. Like handwritten, like how to deal with the beast. I think the beast is called like Maggie Waggy or something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:44

But there are some amazing things in Bibles. They're illustrations. I was looking at a wonderful thing called Have you heard of the Book of Kells? No. So it's this brilliant manuscript and it's illustrated. And it's now kept in Trinity College Dublin, I think. It's the most amazing things, but there's a lot of stuff in manuscripts of bored monks doodling and channeling their creativity basically into sort of like quite kinky and weird stuff.

SPEAKER_03 53:13

It would have been a really dull life just copying manuscripts and keeping your hair in a tight skin fade. You know? It would have been really dull. And when they weren't sucking each other off, they had to get their sexual frustration out on the page. Exactly. And they've yet to find perspective. But imagine how good they would have been if they'd have done artistic perspective beforehand.

SPEAKER_01 53:35

But it would have been unstoppable.

SPEAKER_03 53:37

But the problem is this perspective comes in around about the same time as the printing press. So you the the idea of having these monks just constantly copy shit out of the street.

SPEAKER_01 53:45

I think it's a bit earlier.

SPEAKER_02 53:46

Is it?

SPEAKER_01 53:47

Yeah. Pietro Della Francesco around 14 1470.

SPEAKER_03 53:53

Yeah. Shall I go fuck myself, shall I? No, no, you don't need to. Sorry. Just to very quickly, should he pay for the date. Oh, yeah, sorry. Should he pay for the date? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 54:04

I'm so hot. I'm so hot. I just need to fan myself because this episode's all about heat waves, you see. We've stayed right on track. Should he pay for the date? Yes. I disagree. Whoever suggests the date should pay for the first date.

SPEAKER_03 54:21

No. Yes. No. Yes. It's courtship. It's about the man trying to. What if you're a lesbian? What if you're gay? What if you don't believe in these classic roles? Oh, I wouldn't let them into the restaurant in the first place.

SPEAKER_01 54:33

I agree with you. And there's your answer, darlings.

SPEAKER_00 54:36

Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question.

SPEAKER_03 54:47

We just had to say to everyone during this heat wave, um it will get cold again, and then it will get hot again, and then it will get cold again, and then it will get hot again, and then it will get cold again, and then it will get hot again, and that's how the world works. That's how the world works. Maybe we'll have an ice age. I'd like an ice age. I'd like I'd like to hunt a mammoth with a collection of friends. Would you would you bring a mammoth back if you could? Why not? I would. Why not? I'd bring it all back. Mammoths, dinosaurs, um, the ghouls, whatever. Bring them back.

SPEAKER_01 55:21

I'd love to just drop a dinosaur onto Japan.

SPEAKER_03 55:25

Yeah, but the problem is, is that like given the funding and the the health and safety, you'd end up dropping like a paraphylaurus or something. You know, the one one with the big horn, like some herbivore, and it wouldn't cause any madness.

SPEAKER_01 55:37

If if you could release a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a pack of Velociraptors into any British town, which town would it be? Coventry. Coventry.

SPEAKER_03 55:46

Straight off there wasn't even any thought, wasn't there? Just straight off. Coventry.

SPEAKER_01 55:51

One morning. Betty opens her curtains.

SPEAKER_03 55:54

Straight off. I'd love to see a velociraptor go through the Primark, Coventry.

SPEAKER_01 55:58

Great. Well, queer. Um what what's coming up for you quickly? Quite a bit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 56:04

I've got I've got friends' wedding this month. Okay. And pride's finished. I'm done. I'm out. I'm out. I'm I'm I've clocked out. I've got a lovely holiday to a small Saudi town just to get away from it all. Where? Uh um uh Flakhara Sharif.

SPEAKER_01 56:28

Flakhara Sharif. I love it. I've been there. You're gonna have a great time. Yeah, it's lovely. Great.

SPEAKER_03 56:33

Bit of a distance from the airport. Yeah, but I've I've got a camel and I'll be fine. That's all you need. It's a two-day camel ride for the case. Is it classic or electric? The camel. Yeah. It is electric. It's electric camel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very useful. It's a hybrid, really. Hybrid, yeah, exactly. Great. Our brains have ceased to work. This this. Um, and what am I doing?

SPEAKER_01 56:56

Thanks for asking, Queer. I will take care, sorry, but it's alright, no, it's good honesty. Uh thanks for asking. I will be Yeah, whatever. I'll be keeping cool and carrying on.

SPEAKER_03 57:06

Yeah, this is it, isn't it? During a heat wave, people are happier in the sun, but I've noticed this since driving because I've recently purchased a car. Um there's a point. Hang on. You've purchased a car. I have, yeah. There's a point with a heat wave where it goes from everyone being happy and jolly to people starting to be angry and annoyed and losing their trailer for. This episode has been symbolic genius artistically. Because what we've displayed is the third point that people lose their trailer for.

SPEAKER_01 57:38

The only disclaimer I will make is everything I've said is said under the duress of extreme dehydration. And I will not be held responsible. And manipulation, really. And manipulation. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 57:53

But for the large community service. And community service. For what you did to that family.

SPEAKER_01 57:57

Exactly. That Welsh family. They deserved it. Because they were Welsh? No, because they wouldn't clean my chimney. Ah, I see. I couldn't find a gynecologist.

SPEAKER_03 58:08

But you Well, it you shouldn't have asked the kids to do it, really. Darling, it was Victorian England. It was perfectly legal back then. Right, that's it.

SPEAKER_01 58:19

Okay. It's goodbye from me, Coco the time travelling tart.

SPEAKER_03 58:24

And it's goodbye from me, the ever-popular, growing, noble, kind, thoughtful, generally um quite amusing, uh somewhat left of field. Uh but right wing. Kind to animals, yes. Kind to animals. Um very fond of pigeons, queerlin.

SPEAKER_01 58:44

Bye.