The Time Capsule: Vagina veg | Harry Styles | Dead wife butter

Coco (the time travelling tart) and Queera Lynn  have decided to put together a time capsule, so to educate future British youth on the difficulties we all face today... but what will they put in?

They talk vagina vegetables, camels drinking fuel and much more!

Should a Belerussian boy be allowed to put chess pieces in a strangers dog? Will making butter help a grieving Irish man? ... Find out in Coco's Confession and Queeras Question. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:11

Well, bugger me with a geroboam of tatender champagne. We're back. Welcome to another episode of Tart Talk with me, Coco, the time-travelling tart.

SPEAKER_06 0:23

And me, the nation's sweetheart, Quiralin. Hello, everybody, how's it going?

SPEAKER_02 0:27

Hello to all our delighted followers around the world, including His Excellency, the Emperor of Japan. Yes, Kanichiwa.

SPEAKER_06 0:36

Kanichiwa, your excellency. Nice to have you with us again. We've got lots of people, you know, who are becoming Japanophiles because of this show. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

I got nervous when you said file there. I just get very nervous. Any file, I I get angsty.

SPEAKER_06 0:51

I'd hate to think anyone was inspired, you know, to get on the register because of us. They shouldn't, but if they did, we are not responsible.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

And with that in mind, a very good afternoon to our nonce listeners around the world as well. We are here to cure you of your little pedo tendencies and move you into more adult fantasies.

SPEAKER_06 1:14

For example, you know, we haven't we haven't discussed doing an OnlyFans, but we would do a sponsored OnlyFans to try and get the nonces out of their noncery, wouldn't we? Absolutely. We'd rather them bash one out to us than a kid in an Argos catalogue.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

That's quite right. Yeah. Those poor kids in Argos catalogues. Trapped forever. Trapped. And and no coincidence that I recently did my first ever brand partnership for Argos. And and on the air we're talking about them now. Um, but we love you, Argos. It was a great pleasure. Yes. Funnily enough, I do think OnlyFans would be a good chat for exploring particularly medieval kink, i.e., torture, which isn't very Instagram friendly.

SPEAKER_06 1:56

No, no, there's not although you say that some of the people that I call out on my social media, uh, there's a guy that I called out recently called Tyson James, uh, an American rapper, not really a rapper, but he makes homophobic rap music, like you're not gay, there's a demon that's inside of you, uh calling people. I mean, it's really nuts, it's like really homophobic. And I've had fans of mine uh report him, and Instagram's replied being like, uh, we don't find that this has broken our uh uh standards. So basically, you can you can go on to Instagram uh and threaten to shoot people for being trans and gay, and it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Darling, yes coming up on today's episode, we've got lots to talk about. We are gonna be doing something slightly different, everyone. We are going to be talking about what we're going to put in our in our time capsule, yes.

SPEAKER_06 2:52

I've invited Coco Round. I'm not in my apartment in London today, I'm in my English cottage. And Coco's come round and we're gonna put some things in the time capsule and we're gonna bury it for future generations of young British people to to dig up and find. And uh you've bought a few objects, haven't you?

SPEAKER_02 3:11

I've got a few objects, I'm very excited. I hope around the world everyone is thinking about what they'd like to put in the time capsule as well.

SPEAKER_06 3:19

I've just I've just realised the time capsule is probably a very Western thing because a lot of people in the world wouldn't think I've got something, let me bury it. So um, if you are out there and you don't know what we're talking about, it's a thing where you put a load of objects in in a box, watertight, of course, naturally I've got a bit of liner for that. Watertight, and then you bury it, and then people find it in the future.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

I think the French equivalent is a slightly larger capsule but up the arse. So it's sort of like you you bury it, but it stays on you, sort of like what they do in prison.

SPEAKER_06 3:49

Well, that's what they do, they stick a time capsule up a kind of young Frenchman's arse. Obviously, the age of consent there is about I don't know, 13. So you have to be at least 14 to take the time capsule. That's true. And then when you get to 80, they get it out of you, and younger generations see what they pull out of your ass.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

That's why the French are so literally uptight, and particularly the waiters, and the initiation for becoming a waiter in Paris is you have to put a little capsule with, I believe, a lock of your grandmother's hair inside, or is there some strange French ritual or that would be it? Something about Victor Hugo. Oh! And then after that, after a little time capsule exploration, we have got a Coco's confession and a queer's question.

SPEAKER_06 4:33

We have, as always, the world is better when we sort it out, and that's true. That's right. And I'll fight anyone that says it's not.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Thank you, darling. I also have a shameless plug at the end which may involve Scotland. Okay. Listen, we've got a few goodies in front of us. I've just spotted a box of Ben Dix bittermints, which aren't quite after eights, but the fact that they've got the word dicks on that's always fun.

SPEAKER_06 5:00

And buttermint. My high school, right? This is relevant. My high school, uh, our motto was parma magna crescunt, right? Cress cunt? Yes. What Cress cunt. It was Latin for something. Cress cunt is a Latin word. Cresc cunt, yeah. Someone who eats a little summer sandwich. Well, you say that. As you would walk into my school, it would say parma magna cress, and the word cunt was just shown to every child coming in. It was great. What does it mean? Uh I think it's something like live up to your potential or some some shit like that. Why they're getting kids from, you know, Worcestershire to think about their potential when that pretty much most of them will be lucky to have children that aren't born with extra fingers and work in a field. No disrespect to my Worcestershire people.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

But that's what you need with extra fingers.

SPEAKER_06 5:49

I was lucky to get out. I got out like you know, like someone escaping the Taliban under a lorry, you know, holding on through the through the hills.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

As you should.

SPEAKER_06 5:59

As I should, and I earned my right to come to the big city. I've got a little gift for you. Go on. I'm quite excited. Wait, have I got it? Reach your hand across. Reach it across. Yeah, reach it across. We're quite far away from each other, and I'm a short woman.

unknown 6:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 6:18

Oh. You've seen it. No, I haven't seen it yet. Oh fuck me. Oh god.

SPEAKER_02 6:25

I don't like it.

SPEAKER_06 6:27

It's not that I don't like it, it's that my ex is Scottish and this'll taste like giving him a gobble, I reckon. Iron brew.

SPEAKER_02 6:35

Is that what his knob tasted like? Yes. Orange irony.

SPEAKER_06 6:40

Have you never sucked off a Scotsman?

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Darling. Hmm.

SPEAKER_06 6:43

You're doing it now. Yeah, I might be doing it right now. Jock, can you get out?

SPEAKER_02 6:47

Jock, just get up, please, darling. Get out. Thank you very much. No, thank you very much.

SPEAKER_06 6:51

Oh Gardner. No, I'm gonna look forward to this. This is gonna be quite nice. Well, look, everyone, we've got a can of iron brew. They won't be going in the time capsule.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

I didn't get this because it's any relation to Scotland, by the way. Did you not? Just to be absolutely.

SPEAKER_06 7:06

Just because it was a silly foreign item.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

I just thought, hmm, that's different.

SPEAKER_06 7:10

Have you ever had one before? Yeah, I have. Have you? Um I have, slightly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

I actually invented a drink with iron brew. Do you want to know what it is? It's um it's a Scottish weird. Ultimate Scottish drink.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

It's iron brew with a depth charge of uh Scotchin. And I had a bloody great name for it, but I've forgotten it now. I'll come back to me.

SPEAKER_06 7:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll just shout it out like midway through the show. Yeah, I am. Well, look, before we get on with the time, Capshaw, uh give me one thing about your week. What stood out for you? One thing about my week, darling.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

Um I've got to be honest, it was probably taking people on a time travelling adventure in my comedy show.

SPEAKER_02 7:52

Which was just really fun. Which sold well, didn't it? It sold very well, as it should. As it should. Why wouldn't it? Um, but a lot of stuff happened which we could never have planned. And there are a couple of really, really gobby gays in. Oh dear. And I slightly didn't quite shut them down hard enough, and I should have said something like, Pride's over, um, now shut up. Yeah, pride is over.

SPEAKER_06 8:19

Yeah. It's time it's time for the Saudis. Yep. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Every year after Pride, I take a short trip. I've told you this, I take a short trip to Saudi Arabia just to calm myself down.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

That's absolutely what doctors should prescribe over anxious gay people. Yes. Go to Saudi.

SPEAKER_06 8:36

Yeah, you're you're probably full of anxiety and stress because deep down you're you're you know hungry to gobble. Um what you need to do is go to a place where your gobble will cause you death. So that would really chill you out.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Would you would you go and perform at the Saudi Arabia Comedy Festival? I'm running it.

SPEAKER_06 8:54

Oh you always know that. Yeah. Oh really? You're in touch with Mohammed bin Salah. Oh, Mohammed bin Salah, Mohammed bin Ja'far, Mohammed Mohammed bin Bin.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

Mohammed bin Bin. Oh, yeah. I kid you not, I met someone the other day and his name first name was Jafar. Beautiful. What about you? What about one highlight from your week?

SPEAKER_06 9:13

Well, my highlight for my week, everybody, is I went back to Worcestershire for my friend's wedding. I'm sorry. It was Ash and Denise's wedding. It was a half Italian, half English wedding, only half spoke English. The vicar decided to go off script. The whole service was in uh written in English and Italian, and it would we'd get part way through, and then the vicar would go, Oh, do you know something? I've just got to say and it was like, and the Italians were like, They had no idea. They had no idea, they were just fucking lost the whole time. And I did a speech, I half in English, half in Italian. You spoke Italian, Quero. I did, yes. I've I I translated my speech and did it in bits, and the bits that I did uh in Italian, I I I was very much like the Pope. It was beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Good gracious.

SPEAKER_06 9:57

Yeah. Uh and on the way around the villages to have a couple of pints with my cousin, I twatted my car on a curb, which was good. That was good fun. But being British and stiff upper lip, um I was on a beautiful country view. Uh we happened to have broken down right in front of a pizza van salesman. Um so I had a pizza, a can of dark coke with a lovely family member. And when the guy from the AA turned up, he thought it was my cousin's car. And then he said, Oh, is it your car? And he said, No, it's it's it's it's my cousin Queer Lynn. Well he knew who I was, of course. Uh and then um he said, You're remarkably calm for a woman who's just, you know, trashed their car. And I said, Oh, w we won't get anywhere by by overreacting now, will we? And you could see in his eyes that if the war kicks off against our Siberian, you know, adversaries, that he saw a future leader in me.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

He saw a tank commander.

SPEAKER_06 10:56

Definitely. I I could have a battalion, at least four tanks, any more than that. Did you crash any tanks back in the day during the forties? I crashed German tanks by firing into them. Very good. It's amazing how much they crash when when a missile goes into the side. Did you hear about that board game of tank commanders?

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Did you hear about it? It's so random. No. Apparently it's the most complicated, longest board game ever, but you played tank commanders German versus English. And it's set in North Africa with like Rommel and the Desert Rats.

SPEAKER_06 11:35

Yes, I have heard about that.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

And it gets so complicated, you have to like sort of on a on a move, like prescribe sort the rations for your men and you have to work out oil.

SPEAKER_06 11:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have heard about that. There's another World War II game called Cold It's, which is have you played that? Uh yeah, but I gave up because it was too boring. It's really boring. It's really boring. It's right, and it's nothing happens at all. Even if you're German, right, it's it's not as fun as you might think. Because you only get like two shoot-to-kill cards. And if I was a German sentry, I'd my whole deck would be shoot-to-kill cards.

SPEAKER_02 12:11

I think it should be more shoot-to-kills. Yes, absolutely. That's what the game should be called, shoot to kill. How many people from Calditz can you shoot? Yeah. The game should be from the perspective of the Germans, not the people escaping. That was the problem.

SPEAKER_06 12:24

Well, you can do both. You can either be a British, an American, a French, or a German, I think. Oh really? Yeah, I think there's different colours. There's like blue for French, yellow khaki for English, and then like a dark green for the Americans. I see. And then the black is for German, you say. Yeah. Because they had a lot of black people in their military. Did they? No.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

Let's do it. It's time for our time capsule deep dive. Deep dive. Deep dive.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Deep dive. Deep deep deep deep deep. Deep dive. Deepest of the dive. Deep dive, deep dive, deep dive, deep dive, deep, deep dive.

SPEAKER_06 13:06

Okay, Kiko, let's put some things into this capsule. Okay, we need the youth of the future to know what a time we've lived in today. Now I'm gonna put one thing in already. Yeah. Okay? I know that people are gonna accuse us of having a sponsorship and selling out, but I'm putting in this can of Dr. Pepper strawberries and cream. Do you know I got a message from a fan s uh on my Instagram at Queer Relin?

SPEAKER_02 13:34

Uh a message from Do you mean your v increasingly viral Instagram account?

SPEAKER_06 13:39

I do, yes. Thank you. Thank you for for your support. Um I got a message from a fan uh with a picture of a strawberry a Dr. Pepper strawberries and cream saying um thank you for the recommendation. Oh really? Yes, I did, yes. And and that brings me great joy.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

So they should bloody be paying us, Dr. Pepper.

SPEAKER_06 13:59

We're influencing people.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

We are influencing people Dr.

SPEAKER_06 14:01

Pepper's.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

We're basically sponsoring people, we're not getting paid for it. I mean, this is outrageous.

SPEAKER_06 14:06

It's pathetic, is what it is.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

Well, it's just it goes it's against my way of being, frankly.

SPEAKER_06 14:11

Which is elegant and well, I don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 14:13

I mean, you want me to give a shout out, then slip something into my handbag.

SPEAKER_06 14:18

Well, look, I'm putting this can of Dr. Pepper's strawberries and cream in the capsule. I want people in the future to know how good we had it. Because in the future they'll be drinking radioactive water, they'll probably be sucking their dads off for Christmas dinner, you know, it'll be a difficult time.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

I don't know, like even how far in the future if humans will be even drinking? I mean, maybe like what if our mouths uh shut up? Like, literally, like and we have to like sip from our bums. Or nose. Or nose. And we have to is would that then be called drinking or would it be called sniffing? Well then you'd get Dr.

SPEAKER_06 14:54

Pepper you know, strawberries and bum.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

There we go. Well Dr. Pepper, that would certainly be a nice spicy kick up the nostrils, wouldn't it? Um sorry, I was thinking about all the heat and all the fires in Spain and France. I suddenly thought, Will Surrey be a desert in fifty years' time? I hope so. Like the Sahara, you're just a few miles from London, and you find yourself stumbling through exhausted, and you see a sort of mirage. And like a camel's skull. Next to a BP garage with sort of rusted metal signs and pumps. Yes. And you go in and I'd like that. And then you yeah.

SPEAKER_06 15:32

It would make the time capsule easier to dig up. It would actually.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Okay, so so you're putting in Dr. Pepper's strawberries and cream can. Right. Fine. Well, I think what I'm gonna put in is something which I think we'll all need, which I'm probably going to put in a Prince Charles and Princess Diana commemoration engagement plate.

SPEAKER_06 16:02

I really thought you were gonna say Andrew. I just I really can we change that. You said Prince, and you looked me dead in the eyes, and I thought, it's definitely Prince Andrew.

SPEAKER_02 16:11

Maybe we should be selling Prince Andrew or Andrew Merch. Well, can I I just like I just think that'd be quite funny. Yes. Could I just shout out to our followers? Darling Tarts around the world. If we were to release some limited edition Andrew Merch, would you buy it and what form should it take? Plate, t-shirt?

SPEAKER_06 16:31

I know what he should have. We should have a t-shirt with tartar in his face, and then under his face it says I'm the dandy. I think that would be good. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

I don't even know, but yes, but I daughter Father to two very ugly girls. What well hang on. I won't say a bad word about Beatrice and Eugenie, alright? No, well you know him. I know him very well. That's right. Um you can't tell them apart, but it's the picture, the photo of Andrew in the car with his chin almost tucking into the back of his neck. Yeah. Do you know that? Do you remember that photo? Yeah, he's he's got a royal neck. So that in fact, I'm gonna change it. I'm going to put the f the photo of Andrew in the back of the car in the time cards on the back, yeah, we'll write a message together s saying like this was Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Michael Jackson was here. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 17:25

I think that's but see, that's the thing. You went to put something in from like the 1980s. So it was very confusing there.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

It was, but also I think with this, we're allowed to build on the ideas.

SPEAKER_06 17:36

Yeah. So you But then where does that end? Am I allowed to put in like an edition of Mind Camp from 1948?

SPEAKER_02 17:42

No, no, what I mean is I started with uh something, and then you built on the idea, and then I decided to change it because you're over. Yeah, yeah. So that's something I put in. Yeah. A framed photo of Andrew. Framed. It's gone up. Yeah, it's gone up, it's gone frame, it's framed now. It's yeah, you don't want it damaged. So this is quite a time cut. So we've got Dr. Pepper, strawberries and cream, and a framed photo of Andrew papped in the back of that car after all the revelations came out.

SPEAKER_06 18:09

I think that's great.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

Okay, your turn. What's next?

SPEAKER_06 18:12

Hmm. How would I want the future to see the world that I live in today? I'll tell you what I'd put in. Go on. Right? And don't read me wrong here, but I might put in uh Make America Great Again hat. Okay. Right? Do you see do you know why? Why? I'm not a fan, right, personally. Mainly because they look horrible. No one looks good wearing them. I mean, Americans in general wear hats incorrectly. They always wear the wrong hat with the wrong item of clothing. So they'll wear a fedora with a t-shirt, or they'll wear a baseball cap with a suit. If you wear a baseball cap with a suit, you look like a cunt, and I want that on record. Absolutely you do. And those hats look vile. But what we're gonna do when we put make America grey again, right? We're gonna cross out with great right, and then we're gonna cross out again, and then it's just gonna say America not.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Make America. No, oh well I just put the hat in. Okay. Could that be merch for us? Like make something great again?

SPEAKER_06 19:23

Make tart talk. Make tart great again.

SPEAKER_02 19:28

I think it needs to be a an a vowel. Make great again. It begins with A. Andrew? Make Andrew. Make Andrew great again. Make or make Andrew go away. I like great again. I like great again. It's more funny, but oh but actually make Andrew go away.

SPEAKER_06 19:50

Right, fine. I'm changing I'm changing it. We've built on. I want an Amer I want a a I want a Make America great again hat, but with the words make Andrew Great Again. Make Andrew great.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

And and what's your argument here? What do you mean by great?

SPEAKER_06 20:08

Well, great, uh you know, what is great for one man is different for another woman, you know. To many people, Osama bin Laden was great. I happen to think he was a bell-end. But you see, greatness is in the eye of the beholder, you see.

SPEAKER_02 20:21

It's true. I wonder how you just made me think of like all the Andrews around the world in 2026. I I think by putting in a MAGA hat with our own Andrew Slant, or sorry, we've got the Prince Andrew photo in already, but like we're capturing the spirit of how Andrews must feel like the person we thought of was Andrew Garfield, the actor, who I haven't seen in a lot of films since the whole Prince Andrew thing took off. So has his brand actually been negatively impacted?

SPEAKER_06 20:52

But it's interesting you say this because I've always felt sorry for the for adults, you know, it must have been very sad being an adult. Or other adults in history.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

Oh, back in the like, how many adults were around during the 1930s, for example? Quite a few. There's a lot. There's a few around now, aren't there? Strangely. Yes. And I'm and I don't mean neo-Nazis.

SPEAKER_06 21:13

Two of my dogs are called Adolf.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

You got two dogs called Adolf. Yeah. How do you tell when you want one to come? Don't they both come?

SPEAKER_06 21:20

Yeah, but I always want them to come at the same time. Wow. You see. Okay. I'm not gonna have one without the other. So you got the you got Adolf, but also think of the name Joseph, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Oh yeah, well I immediately think of it.

SPEAKER_06 21:33

Darlin, Goebbels, Fritzl, Fritzel, and Technicolor Dreamcoat. And people are still calling people Joseph. It's wild, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 21:41

It is wild.

SPEAKER_06 21:42

Anyway, I'm sticking in the MAGA hat. Make Andrew great again. Or make Andrew go away. Well go it go away, because I don't want people to think that we're somehow in cahoots.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Is our time capsule about sort of 2026 or what we just want to preserve? So it could be something. From the earlier decades that we put in. I think it's around this time period. Okay, so what's in vogue? I think I think I'm uh I think I might put in the head of British Rail. Oh, that's a good one. Just his head sliced off. Yes. With a few ticket stubs. Because let's be honest, everyone around the world who ever has to take a train, you've probably been made aware by the fact that prices are becoming astronomical. In Britain. And historians will write about 2026, like they write about the causes of the French Revolution. French Revolution had a famously bad harvest, and 2026 had famously high train tickets. Yeah, I agree. And I don't understand why there's so much. And we've we're talking about this. Here we are. I'm getting I'm getting energized now. Go for it, lose it. Firstly, I may be going to Birmingham on the train tonight. I was outraged that there was no first class, number one. And secondly, a standard ticket, single fare to Birmingham New Street. Not return. Not return cost £95. I could go to fucking Timbuktu for £95 and have the time of my life. Why the fuck would I pay 95 quid to go to fucking Birmingham? Good point. Because I actually need to. Yeah. So I might have to cough up. Which is fine. Yeah. It's no skin off my back. No, well you've got the money. Well, I have. Yeah. But it's not. Even if I was, you know, a trillionaire, I have no interest in being a trillionaire. But even if I was, I'd still just be I I have this taste in my mouth. Like But what how much is the train before? I think that's the outcome. Twenty quid! It's 20 quid off peak. And yeah. And j and when it gets peak, it's sort of slightly pre-peak at 75. All of this is pretty fucking peak, really.

SPEAKER_06 24:08

And then once it gets once it gets 5 pm, boom, they up it. Yeah. Do you know something? Genuinely, come the revolution. There's two things I'm going for, and it's the supermarkets and the rail networks. I don't know why when we buy a train ticket, when the they say the price over the counter, I mean they've got protective glass there, and we know why. It's because I throw a good left hook. Why they up the prices all the time, I don't know. I'm not inciting violence, but I am saying when the revolution comes, go for it. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

I'm I I don't I don't hate price rises as much as I hate shrinkflation.

SPEAKER_06 24:48

Do you think it I mean the service isn't getting better? It's not.

SPEAKER_02 24:51

And wait until the condom brands start doing that. Shrinkflation. It's not gonna go well when a magnum condom doesn't fit on little stubby Simon. It's not gonna be a fun, fun time. Well that's why I just let people jaff up me. Oh, fair enough. I really think this podcast we should complain more often. Right, I'm gonna replace the bagger hat, okay? Okay, well I'm gonna do it with it with a complaint. So hang on, hang on. Let me finish. Yeah. I'm putting in to the time capsule a single ticket to Birmingham New Street in August 2027 or six. We're six uh for 95 pounds. Right, fair play. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 25:35

Next, queer. Next, what I'm gonna put this is gonna be a big rant episode. Here we go. I'll tell you what I'm putting in. I'm Well, it could also be things we like. No, no, we want the future to know how shit we had it. Okay. This is not a time period where people can look back and think, oh, those were better years, because they weren't. I'm sticking in. They will, it's the power of nostalgia. No. I'm telling well, by then they'll all be speaking Russian and having to suck people off for calories. We'll be dressing like they do in Arabia, they'll all be drinking Huel.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

No, I think camels will be drinking Huel. Because we'll need camels in England.

SPEAKER_06 26:09

And we'll have to drink out of the camels.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

Yeah, but we'll feed the camel Huel. There'll be Huel branded camels walking around the deserts of the home counties. And it'll be like a petrol station.

SPEAKER_06 26:20

You have to take your camel to be hueled up. Yeah, exactly. And they'll they'll huel your camel. They'll huel your camel. And then you ride it off to drink muddy water.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

And the price of a camel ride will go through the roof as well. Oh dear.

SPEAKER_06 26:34

I mean, I've never understood. I saw an advert the other day where someone was like, Do you know what? Um because of my life in London, I've got too much going on. Uh, and that's why Huel is really good for me because I can get all I need in two easy drinks. And I thought, I tell you what, the issue isn't that you don't have time to eat, the issue is that you've allowed people in your life, your boss, for example, to tell you you can't fucking eat in the middle of the day. In France, you can actually get in trouble for not allowing your staff two hours to go for lunch in the middle of the day, right? You can get in trouble for it. In Britain, you can tell your staff, actually, do you know what? I think you should just drink your fucking lunch. Isn't that hideous? It's like a space meal. It isn't. And anyway, that's not what I'm putting in. Go on. I'm putting in a physical Tesco Club card.

SPEAKER_02 27:25

Explain yourself.

SPEAKER_06 27:26

I will explain. It's the same as the nectar card. Basically, if you're a lot of our listeners remember, I'm not from our glorious aisle. If you're from outside our glorious aisle, um, in Britain, if you go to a supermarket, you see two prices down most aisles. You see the supermarket price, and then you see the club card or the nectar price. Oh, yes, yes, yes. If you do not possess a club card in a big shop like Tesco, you have to often pre like sometimes twice the amount. And the reason you have to give up lots of your buying information to these big supermarkets so that you can have, I don't know, four quid knocked off at the end of the shop, and each shop monopolizes this. They can make a profit from the nectar price. They're still making a profit, they're not doing you a favour by doing a club card price, they're still making a profit, which goes to show everything in there is just a fucking rip-off. What kind of things are nectared, like discounted? Well, nectar is Sainsbury's club card is Tesco. Let's stick with club card because I'm confusing myself. I can hear myself. A club card. I mean, firstly, it's not a club.

SPEAKER_02 28:37

It's not a club. It's not a you the fact that you've got a Grouch show. It's not the fucking grou and I wouldn't be a member there. Uh I was last year, I'm not going back. Really? No. I mean, the best thing about the Groucho Club was free drinks on every uh first Friday of the month. It was free drinks, 5 to 8 pm. And I remember, did I tell you about this? At 7 55, I went to the bar and I asked for seven glasses of rose. And I literally like cradled them like my frog spawned children back to my table. And I got and I and I guarded them for the for the next hour. Are they are they are they not doing them anymore? No, they are, but I've rescinded my membership. Yeah. Because in my opinion, we could go on about this, is like a club, there's two types of clubs. The club bar biscuit. There's yeah, no, there are three types. There's there's there's the type of club you'd find in a supermarket, like your Tesco Club card or club biscuit bar. Then there's the wank club, the club of wankers, where you're just going to be seen. It's Soho House. Soho House. It's possibly the Groucho Club. The EDL. The EDL, exactly. Though I would maintain the EDL does have some perks, which I'll come on to. Bold people have respect for one. Exactly. Bald people have respect. Um, and the other type of club is the sort of arts club, but they're never called if an arts club is called an arts club, it's gonna be shit. It's a type of club where you go to and you just meet really interesting people who are curious about life, and you have a chat, maybe you have a drink, maybe you play chess, maybe you sort of, I don't know, throw a dwarf at a velcro wall. Exactly, throw a dwarf at Velcro Wall. I love those types of clubs. That's all I have to say about that. And I'm quite passionate, like a lot of people like like most clubs are pale, stale, and male, and I think that's true. Or they're full of lawyers pretending that they actually have creative jobs, or finance bros talking about their potential podcast ideas. Fuck off. They're cunts, aren't they? Well, it's not that they're cunts, it's that they're boring. I mean Yeah, boring cunts. A crash to be called a crashing boar is if I was ever called a crashing boar, I'd throw myself off the top of Buckingham Palace.

SPEAKER_06 31:00

I think anyone who bros somebody without it being ironic should be shot with a Luger pistol in public.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

I completely agree with that. And thank you for bringing up the Luger Pistol. Do you want to put one of them in the term caption?

SPEAKER_06 31:12

Well, it's quite throw people off.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

It would throw people off.

SPEAKER_06 31:16

I just want to end with my club cart. Sorry, sorry, I I hijacked your own. I just want to end my club cart note. It's unkind to people who uh don't like elderly people who aren't up to date on all the digital apps and things like that. And if you're a foreign visitor from some other country almost as good as Britain, you basically get fucked over at the till because you thought you risk of spending a lot less than you do. And I don't like that. I don't like that one bit.

SPEAKER_02 31:42

I don't bloody like it.

SPEAKER_06 31:43

We should all pay the same as everybody else. The fact you can come out with the same shop spending more than somebody else is awful. Anyway, back to you.

SPEAKER_02 31:51

But could I could I not invite you, Quirra, to stop shopping and start growing your own veg? I mean, you are a 1940s dig for victory girl. I was. So what's why are you now buying your packet of carrots in in a sweaty little bag?

SPEAKER_06 32:09

Well, I'll tell you something, when I was doing Dig for Victory, I was uh all manner of stuff. I actually, for a decent time, whilst Reg was off fighting on the front, I had a large kind of mound of soil in my vagina when I went to bed and I was growing onions.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

Oh, so that's what the campaign was all about. Oh, I misunderstood. I thought Dig for Victory was encouraging the nation to home grow veg, but actually it was inviting women to to grow Yeah, vagina veg. Vagina veg.

SPEAKER_06 32:38

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I grew I grew onions one year. I grew I I grew a particularly large marrow one year, which was quite enjoyable. Uh, and then I had a failed beetroot season. I don't know why I was going for beetroot.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

Failed beetroot. Well, the colour's already intense enough in a vagina. I don't think it needs beetroot in there. And also, frankly, it's not something that Anthony Beaver ever wrote about. Isn't that ironic? A man called Beaver not writing about I'd say Vagina Veg. Vagina veg, which is a huge reason why. Yeah, beaver Brussels sprouts. The Allies were able to overcome the Nazi Axis forces.

SPEAKER_06 33:14

I inspired people during the war. I did. I used to write pamphlets and everything about how to grow vagina veg. It was inspiring. Don't see the Germans doing things like that.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

Well no, they I well maybe they did, because isn't sauerkraut fermented cabbage? Were not the Germans putting cabbage sort of under their armpits in their asses? Like, is that sort of where sauerkraut gets the and what what are the Koreans up to with kimchi? Originally. Where's kimchi grown?

SPEAKER_06 33:45

Well, I mean they're a different kettle of fish over there completely, and we know that to be sure. Um is kimchi sort of what's the difference between kimchi and sauerkraut?

SPEAKER_02 33:55

Um I think it's the the name. That's good. That's good, the name.

SPEAKER_06 34:00

It's it's chili, isn't it? Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Koreans spice it up, whereas the Germans have no they don't actually have taste buds, the Germans. Did you know this? I didn't know that. Germans are born without taste buds. Like dogs are colourblind, Germans don't have taste buds. Really? Yeah. Well that explains so that's why And Spanish people see an infrared.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

Hence the flag. Hence the flag being flagged. Hence the flag being so red. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pampalona bull run and the tomatoes.

SPEAKER_06 34:24

They think their flag is is actually uh green and blue.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

Green and blue, exactly. That that says a lot about the Spanish. It does. That makes more sense now. What about the what about the Argentinians? But they can't see. They can't see.

SPEAKER_06 34:38

They're like those creatures from uh what's that movie? They just come out The Descent. Oh, pitch black. No, no, no. With Vin Diesel. Have you seen the Descent? Is that the one where the women go into the paved? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually haven't. Is it any good? Oh, it is it's good. It's of its time and it's quite good for that. Of its time. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 34:55

Well you're sound like it's sort of from the 1930s. Wasn't it a recent film? It's like 18 years old. The descent. It is good. Anyway. What do you mean of its time? Hang on, what are they saying? Like anti-trans rants down a cave being chased by is it about trans zombies? What's it about?

SPEAKER_06 35:14

Anti-trans, uh you know, very anti-women. No, no, they just it's just visually of its time. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Hmm. Let's put one more thing in the time capsule together. Let's to reiterate, we've got a kind of Dr. Pepper's strawberries and cream. Yeah. We've got a framed picture of Andrew in the back of the car.

SPEAKER_02 35:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 35:49

We've got the a ticket for nice pounds to Birmingham New Street. We've got a Tesco Club card. Should we try and put something positive in there? I I mean the can of Dr. Pepper is to sweeten up the deal. So I say we put something else in that's horrible.

SPEAKER_02 36:07

What about why don't we put Harry Styles in there? Yes. Because, like, he's had a good run, but frankly, I think it's all got a bit too much. I'm bored. I'm a bit bored. You don't need to do five nights in Wembley. I don't think there's much talent there.

SPEAKER_04 36:22

Watermelon sugar, uh watermelon sugar, uh.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

I've never had watermelon and su you don't need watermelon and sugar. Watermelon's quite juicy as it is. It is. Apparently it's slang for vagine. Is it? A watermelon sugar.

SPEAKER_06 36:36

Now that did you not know that is not good. And you've got kids out there walking round singing watermelon sugar. I don't approve of that.

SPEAKER_02 36:45

Well, if if that's what a vagine is, what is Harry Styles' his little funny thing for a bum? What's an what's an arsehole in Harry Styles language? I don't know. Watermelon sugar's uh Fanny. I don't know. I'm sure he's been taken up as would it be like I don't know Do you know I shared a bath with him?

SPEAKER_06 37:02

Coconut pie? Do you know that? What? I shared a paddling pool with him once. Harry Styles? Yeah. When was that? In the early last week. In the early nineties, yes. I just dropped the microphone into my face. Um you shared a paddle well take us through it. Yeah, well, my mum knew his mum when we were little, and like they were friends for like, I don't know, one or two years. So as like very little dotty kind of like toddlers, I used to hang out with Harry Stiles. God. I know. Yeah, it's true. And it it a a lot of people think that uh he's from uh Manchester, but he's not, he's from Worcestershire originally. Eve Shimon Redditch was it is where It's from your neck of the woods. It's from my neck of the woods originally, yeah. Well that explains a lot. It does well, yeah, I suppose so. So He could he could only wish for a career like mine. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 37:53

I don't know if I don't know if Harry Styles is artistically fulfilled though. I don't think it's a few. All those concerts singing, dressing up as a woman. Dress up as a woman. Um what about if we yeah, let's actually put in the real Harry Styles and a suggestion in a a paddling pool, a real paddling pool. Well he's got the Dr. Pepper Strubbers and Cream to keep him going. Yeah. And he's got the Andrew photo for entertainment. We'd need to give him a bit of food though for the time capsule. We could give him a huel. We'll give him Huel. We'll give him a large bowl of multi a multi-pack of Huel. A multi-pack of Huel.

SPEAKER_06 38:32

One a year. Harry will be fine. Wait, hold on. So when they open up the time capsule in like a hundred years' time, he'll still be going, do you think? He'll still be going.

SPEAKER_02 38:42

We'll make sure there's a little air pipe. Well, let's open it in 50 years so that he's on the five. I think that's enough to make him reflect. I bet you don't want to spoil him. Do you know what will happen? As soon as we let Harry Styles out in the year 20, whenever, 20. Thank you, 2070, he'll be like, um, I'd like to do another tour of Wembley. Yeah. I'd like to book Wembley again. And I'll be like, back in.

SPEAKER_06 39:10

And he'll be singing watermelon sugar, and people will be like, What's a watermelon? Yeah. Because there'll be no food. And what it's too dry for water. Watermelon need water to become watermelon. And the people who open them up will see all those empty packs of fuel and they'll say, Have you been drinking camel fuel the whole time?

SPEAKER_02 39:26

Yeah. I I honestly think this is an inspired edition. The real Harriet Styles. So what have we got? So we re So let's recap our time capsule, which we're burying in the ground. Most of it angry, but fine. Yeah. We've got number one, a can of Dr. Pepper strawberries and cream. The people must know. Number two, we have a framed photograph of Andrew, formerly Prince Andrew, HRH, the Duke of Kent. Next. That was Kent. That was Kent. We've got a ticket to Birmingham New Street for £95 single.

SPEAKER_06 40:08

Do you want to put in a snapshot of the £20 beforehand as well, just to show the outrage?

SPEAKER_02 40:14

£20. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You've got to show the output. Yeah, and a photo of the cheaper ticket an hour earlier. Um and then we've got We've got after that we've got a Tesco Club card. Tesco Club card.

SPEAKER_06 40:26

With one of those little things saying like, I don't know, McVitty's biscuits, £3.50, club card price £1.99.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Exactly. Club card price. And will it have your name on Quiry Lynn? Yes. Great.

SPEAKER_06 40:42

I've I'll have signed it for a fan who worked at Tesco.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

I wonder if there's a way you can put on a sort of, I don't know, you know whether you you include a little extra little hidden thing like MP3 track of you singing a song or something. Anthrax. An I thought you were gonna say Anne Frank. Anthrax. Okay. She'd have done well in our time capsule, to be fair. She would have been fine. No problem. Yeah. Anne Frank is probably the SAS level of time capsule humans. Harry Styles would be whinging away, and Anne would be like, darling, shut the fuck up.

SPEAKER_06 41:15

If you say that, Anne Frank did very well, but she was absolutely blown out of the water by Maddie McCann. Hide and seek champion 05.

SPEAKER_02 41:22

That's true, actually. She's still doing quite well.

SPEAKER_06 41:25

She took the game very seriously.

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Well Anne Anne was a pro, but she got portrayed. I mean, there's not a lot you can do in hide and seek if one of your supposed friends tells everyone where you are. Fucking hell. This is it.

SPEAKER_06 41:38

This is it. Never trust the Dutch. Pisses me off. And the Germans love hide and seek, but they're always they always prefer to be seeking. Always.

SPEAKER_02 41:45

They'd always prefer to be seeking. Or in bunkers. And finally we got Harry Stiles. The real Harry Styles with a multi-pack of Huel and a paddling pool. I'd say that's pretty solid. The only question is, Queer, where are we burying our time capsule?

SPEAKER_06 42:03

Um so the south of England will be a desert in ten years, you say. I think Clapham Common. Clapham Common. A large park in London. Yeah, a large park in London. With a sign that says please do not walk on Harry Stiles is drinking his Yule.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

Yeah, because there'll be the little airpipe for him, so that'll need to be protected. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:22

Deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, dive, deep, deep.

SPEAKER_02 42:28

Dive. And it's now time for Coco's Confessions. Oh, confession. Oh confession. Confessions. So the confession this week comes from Vladimir Franchuk. Interesting name from Belarus. Now this is very interesting. And this is actually themed around the subject of chess. So this is what he said. Dear Tarts, I have come to be very interested in your podcast. But I must say I have a kink which I would like to run past you. My kink is that I like to put chess pieces up the ass of other people's dogs in the park without telling their owners. Is this something I should be concerned about? Thank you. That's quite an unusual confession. Great impression of him though. Thank you. Well it's just doing justice to the case. I was closing my eyes there.

SPEAKER_06 43:40

I thought I felt I felt there. Um I would say I don't know why he's concerned, because this is a traditional Belarusian thing to do. Yes. Yeah, they're all at it.

SPEAKER_02 43:50

I'd be more concerned as if he was trying to teach dogs how to play chess. But I mean, it's tough times in Belarus. So I mean but how many chessboards are there?

SPEAKER_06 44:02

I what I'd say what was his name again? Uh Vladimir Franchuk. Vl Vlad. Can I call him Vlad? Vlad, what I'd say to you is that in your kind of post-Soviet world, um you know, you're lucky to have the chessboard, really. You are. Um 'cause most of people who own chessboards in Belarus burn them for fuel. So what I'd say is that only put the pieces up the dog if you know you're going to get the pieces back. Because you need to keep your mind sharp, you know, like brain games or doing a sudoku on the train. Uh you need to keep your mind sharp. So uh as long as the dog lets you do it and you get the pieces back, I'm all for it.

SPEAKER_02 44:45

Well, there we have it. And now it's time for uh uh for queer's questions.

SPEAKER_04 44:52

Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question.

SPEAKER_06 45:02

The question this week is from Seamus O'Dowl. Uh hello, Seamus. And he is from Cork, which uh I do believe is in Ireland. So that's rather fabulous, isn't it? Um now can shall I read it out in in an in an Irish brogue?

SPEAKER_02 45:20

Do it, darling. But specifically Cork, actually. Okay, yeah. Bit more lilty.

SPEAKER_05 45:26

Lil I really like uh like that. Alright. Okay, fine, fine. Dear Queer I've been wondering for quite a while um about going out and finding a new woman. Um my wife died um uh about eight years ago. Silly bitch. And I've been wondering how long I can leave it before people think that I'm uh dishonouring her memory. Uh am I allowed to go dating again or am I uh should I carry on being in mourning?

SPEAKER_06 46:07

And that was um Seamus Odell from Cork.

SPEAKER_02 46:10

Nice to have you on, Shay. Thanks, Seamus. Well, the obvious answer is um you're in serious need of a makeover. And we will be very prepared to come to Cork to help you transform your life. And when he says he's in mourning, does that mean literally he's stuck in the morning, like a m? He's not able to get into sort of afternoon mode. Is that what he means?

SPEAKER_06 46:33

Yeah, I think that is what it means, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:34

Well, that's understandable. That's that's what I call breakfast syndrome. I just have That's very common after your wife dies.

SPEAKER_06 46:40

I've just had a brilliant I I thought of a show. It's like Chinny and Susanna, but me and you turn up and we just wreck people's lives.

SPEAKER_02 46:47

Oh yeah, that'd be good. Yeah, yeah. Well I think we'd do. Does he have a job, Seamus?

SPEAKER_06 46:51

No, he's retired. He's he's he's he's in his early 70s.

SPEAKER_02 46:54

So that's where I think he's gone wrong. He needs something to do, so we're gonna give him an activity, it uh a pastime, but frankly, I think he needs a proper manual job. Cottaging would be good fun. Cottaging would be good. I was gonna suggest going back into the into the butter factories and and crafting hand I think what Seamus should do is start a handmade butter business called um what's his surname? Odal. O'Dal Just O'Dowell's. Just O'Dowl's. But maybe No, but O H, like O and then Dow. But I think Odowell's would be good biscuits as well.

SPEAKER_06 47:33

Odell's breakfast butter? Oh, that is good because he's stuck in the morning.

SPEAKER_02 47:38

Yeah, it's morning. That'd be good. Odell's breakfast butter made for mornings, brackets, and afternoon teas.

SPEAKER_05 47:45

Brackets, my wife is dead.

SPEAKER_02 47:47

Yeah, brackets, my wife. Maybe the brand should be called my wife's dead.

SPEAKER_03 47:55

Oh butter.

SPEAKER_02 48:05

I think that's the best thing I've ever said. My wife's dead. We must have that as butter merch. Would the We must create that?

SPEAKER_06 48:13

Would the butter have like a picture of the wife? Just like her face.

SPEAKER_02 48:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 48:18

Like a Victorian picture.

SPEAKER_05 48:21

My wife is dead.

SPEAKER_02 48:23

My wife is dead. Oh dear. Wow. I mean, that is so, so, so fun. So listen, we've got such rich, genuine, authentic merch ideas of Seamus O'Dell's My Wife's Dead, butter, and we've got the Make Andrew Great Again caps, which should be pink and yellow, right? They would be. Um, have we got any other merch coming up?

SPEAKER_06 48:51

Mmm. I'm sure, I'm sure we do.

SPEAKER_02 48:55

What about the paddling pool?

SPEAKER_06 48:56

Yeah, we could do a paddling pool.

SPEAKER_02 48:58

With Harry Styles.

SPEAKER_06 48:59

We could do anything. Anything with, you know, tart talking our faces on. Anything you want. Shall we end the show?

SPEAKER_02 49:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 49:09

Right, that's it.

SPEAKER_02 49:11

Thank you very much. It's been a great pleasure, Queer. Um, I want to say two things. Permission to plug? What, me?

SPEAKER_06 49:19

Well, uh me actually. Go on, you plug yourself in front of me. You are here in your knickers. Thanks, darling. For those who don't know, Coco's very warm today. I want to say two things. She sat in in front of me, literally just wearing her knickers and upon those.

SPEAKER_02 49:33

I've I'm fanning my flaps. Well, why not? Yeah, you're right. You are right. Listen, I'm late. I've got to crack on. I'll be away in August, performing at the Edinburgh Fringe, gallery tours by day, comedy show at night. If you're there, come up. If you're not, why not? Tell your friends and frenemies. And we'll be taking a little break, won't we?

SPEAKER_06 49:53

A little break so that you can push your solo career with in a very Harry Styles-esque way. It's not really solo, it's just sort of like Well, we both had good careers before we met each other. That's the beautiful thing. We're not symbiotic. We're we're we're Hitler and Mussolini. We're two great dictators.

SPEAKER_02 50:10

Who have a d destined destined to do great things for a short time.

SPEAKER_06 50:15

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. You see, we've we've got that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:19

Very good.

SPEAKER_06 50:19

Well, good for you. If you are going to the fringe, don't go and see anybody else. Go and see Coco, because everyone else is shit in comparison. I know you shouldn't say that, but.

SPEAKER_02 50:29

I actually agree with you. Yeah, there you are.

SPEAKER_06 50:31

Thank you, darling. Yeah, there's a lot of tat that goes on there.

SPEAKER_02 50:35

Fuck off, Jeffrey.

SPEAKER_06 50:36

And on that note, it's goodbye from me, the uh ever brilliant uh and fabulous, but also humble, kind, and British queer alin.

SPEAKER_02 50:46

And it's goodbye from me, your working class girl, Coco, the time travelling tart.

SPEAKER_06 50:51

I I've got the car keys on me, so I say you put your your skirt back on. I'll put my skirt back on. And we we belt down.

SPEAKER_02 50:58

That's great. I need to go for a poo first. Bye.