Love, Sex, and Everything in Between: God's Vision for Your Dating

Check out this latest podcast from RUF Live as Pastor Jermaine unpacks God's Vision for your Dating Life! #LoveGodLoveJSU

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

So this series, I'm sorry, Peggy. Could you run and get me a water? Thank you. Thank you. This series is kind of framed by two verses in the scriptures. Framed by two verses. Exodus 34, 6 through 7, and then 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 8. I'll read Exodus 34, 6 through 7 says, And God passed in front of Moses, proclaiming the Lord the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion, and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished. He punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation. And then 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 8 says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Amen. It does not dishonor others. Thank you, baby. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. That's the frame for our service series. I'm gonna turn this off for.

unknown 1:29

Appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

And as we have been talking about, we've talked about singleness, we've been talking about, um, we're going to talk about marriage, we've been talking about, man, God has designed us to reflect him, male and female. We image him, we reflect him. Um, but especially today, we're talking about might even be a touchy subject about dating and God's vision for our dating. Before we start, though, I want to give a couple notes just on dating, on talking, on the process of relating and romancing your person or someone that you're interested in. Um, for one, dating is one way to live a godly life. It's one way. Marriage is one way to live a godly life. You might have been in church and have maybe been single in church and have not really felt like there's a place for you. Um, and it may feel like all the programs, all the initiative is like, all right, so when are you gonna find your somebody? When are you gonna date? When are you gonna get married? When are you gonna, you know, be in that space? Um, and I would say that man, dating is one way, it's a calling, marriage is a calling for some, and singleness is the other way to live a godly life. Jesus himself was single, Paul himself was single. Um, Jeremiah the prophet was single, and they lived fulfilling godly lives. If you want to hear more about that, we had a whole sermon on singleness. It's on our podcast. Get the link for me. So dating is one way, marriage is one way to live a godly life. And then, too, the other note I would say before we start is that dating, or this process of getting to know someone for the sake of marriage changes from culture to culture, from time to time, from country to country, from people to people, from ethnicity to ethnicity. Navigating the dating landscape is a wisdom issue, not a righteousness issue. It's a secondary issue, not a primary issue. Meaning that there are some things in life and in the world that are really important. Really important to know what you believe. Like it's really important for you to know what you believe about Jesus. It's really important for you to know what you believe about the word of God. Like it's really important for you to know what you believe about salvation and how somebody is made right with God. That's like primary importance, a righteousness issue. And then there are things that are a wisdom issue. Like, God hasn't told you in his word what's a good major, what's a better major. That's you'll never find that, right? God has never told you like what's the best way to cook ramen noodles. Some of you may think you know. Some of you may think, you know, it's best to cook it on the stove. Yes, no, maybe so. Some people may think it's best to cook it in a microwave. Yes, no, mate. Microwave, okay. Um that this is a wisdom issue. We know it's not best to eat ramen noodles raw. Anybody eat ramen noodles without you do? Of course you do. Of course you do. Of course you do. But that's the st that's the same with dating. Dating, this process of dating as we know it, as we see it, is not seen in the scriptures. But just because it's not seen in the scriptures, does not mean, what's up, Rich? Does not mean that dating or God doesn't care about our dating. But let me take you to this movie. It's one of my favorite movies. Uh, Columbus Short and Stomp the Yard. He notices Megan Good's character. I forget her name. He noticed Megan Good's character. And he notices what her favorite color is. Don't say it. Anybody remember what her favorite color is? Her boyfriend doesn't know what it is, but it's the color of her sweater, it's the color of her earrings, it's the color of her notebook, and it's the color of her car. I don't know. Hold on. One, say the color on three. One, two, three. No. No, it's green. It's green. It's green. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's green. It's green. And that's maybe one of the first things that Megan Good starts to notice. Okay, something's different. Something's different about this guy. Um, and I would say that's getting at the heart of dating, of pursuing. Dating is centered around noticing, appreciating, pursuing, romance. That's the heart of good dating. And so as we think, as we think today, we'll always be thinking through anytime you come to REF Live, we'll always be thinking through the same format, the same four points: creation, fall, redemption, consummation, which basically means how has God designed it? How has sin corrupted it? How does Jesus redeem it? And how does he transform it for our actual lives in real time? And that's kind of what we're thinking through today when we think about dating. So if you're taking notes on your phone, you're writing it down, um, that first point is, man, how has God designed romantic love? How has God designed dating? I think the first thing we can think about is 1 Corinthians 10 31. 1 Corinthians 10 31 says, So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. So that means in your dating, do it for the glory of God. But that begs the question: how does God get glory in your dating? What does godly dating look like? Although dating is not in the Bible, God has created humanity to grow in maturity upwards to him. And so dating in the context of Christian maturity becomes a process where we grow closer to God and we grow closer to that person that we're seeking marriage in. Dating should be done to the glory of God. I'm gonna frequently go back to these two guys, uh, Henry Cloud and uh Dr. Townsend. Their ministers are also, no, they're not ministers, they're uh counselors, they're Christian counselors. And they wrote a book called Boundaries in Dating and how boundaries protect healthy dating. Um, if you want a copy, please let me know. I can get you one. But I'm gonna be going back and forth with them because I think they got some helpful thoughts. Uh they say that dating is an activity that people do, and as with a lot of other things, the Bible does not talk about it. What the Bible does talk about is being a loving, honest, growing person in whatever you do. So, I, they, I would also have to say that the biblical position on dating has much more to do with the person you are and are becoming rather than whether or not you date. Dating is more concerned with who you're becoming and not really concerned about whether or not you marry the person that you're dating or whether y'all break up. The biblical position on dating would be to date in a holy way. And then they give kind of maybe seven benefits of dating. What's is dating even good? Is it worth it? I would say there's seven reasons why dating is worth it. Number one, dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context. The bottom line is the more you date, the more you learn about yourself. You learn what you like, you learn what you don't like, you learn what grieves you, you learn what you love about dating and about the other person. Number two, dating provides a context to work through issues. In that safe, ideal place, you learn how to work through conflict, how to resolve conflicts. Number three, dating helps build relationship skills. You learn how to talk to one another, you learn how to conversate, you learn how to make time for one another, you learn how to prioritize communication. Dating, number four, can heal and repair. There are a lot of times when I dated my wife that I found my soul healing from various wounds in my life. Were times where I felt maybe even lonely, or I felt insignificant, or I felt like my gifts were not as spectacular. Dating can heal and repair. Number five, dating is relational and has value in and of itself. So without even considering any of the benefits of dating, just dating in general has value in and of itself because it is relational. And that goes back to what we know about the triune God. The triune God of the scriptures is relational. He is in relationship with himself. And so anything that gets at building relationships, bettering relationships, growing in relationships, that in and of itself is good. Genesis 2.18, the Lord God said, It is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. And that's the first time we see in the scriptures something being not good. Mainly Adam being alone. So dating, getting at building that relationship has value in and of itself. Number six, sixth benefit of dating. Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex. Proverbs 31, 10 through 12 says, A wife of noble character who can find. And I will also say when you read Proverbs 31, um, it it you can exchange wife for husband as well. Um these are good qualities you should look for in a wife, in a husband. But especially for a wife. A wife of noble character who can find, she is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs is a poetic book, so it speaks in metaphor. It captures your imagination, and what I hope that in that text you see is that good dating, godly dating, captures what you desire. And essentially teaches you how to desire what is good and desire someone who fears the Lord, who has a noble character. Number seven, dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delaying of gratification. Healthy, good, godly dating teaches you good skills in long-term satisfaction. In delaying it, well, I would say, in delaying the gratification of sexual desire, which is good. Hear me now, which is good. But I think in learning how to say no for a time in a good, godly dating relationship, you learn strength. You learn self-control, you learn how not to idolize dating and its benefits and marriage and its benefits. And I think you become a better dater, you become a better husband, you become a better wife as you're dating. Alright, those are some of the benefits of dating. So now I just I just want to encourage you, man, take some time and evaluate your dating experiences over this next week. Take some time in your journal and ask, man, how has God used your dating experiences for your growth? What have been some good lessons that you have learned about yourself? And maybe if you've never if you've never dated, if you've never had a relationship, what's the vision that you have? What's the vision for what you want your dating life to look like? Spend some time thinking about that. So maybe that's got that's maybe some of the ways that God is designed and God's given us some wisdom for dating. But then, as we know, with everything, sin has corrupted our dating. That's our second point, the fall. How is sin corrupted good dating? Ephesians 5 3 says this but sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you as is proper among the saints. So let me let me break down those big five-dollar terms. In Ephesians 5 3, Paul is writing to the Ephesians church. It's a very basic letter. All the other letters that Paul writes are occasional, they're specific. They're talking about a specific issue. The church in Ephesians is very basic. He's given basic gospel living. God has saved you. Now go and do and be God's salvation or God's child. And in Ephesians 5, sexual immorality, that word really means exactly what it means. It's just sexual amoral behavior. But then impurity not only gets at sexual impurity, but also just impure thoughts, deeds, actions that don't accord with God's design. Right? So that's that's not just like a sexually charged term. That also concerns the way we speak, it concerns the way we treat one another, it concerns how we love or how we withhold love. The purest maybe substance or the purest essence that we always see in scripture is God. God is always pure, which means he's always holy, which means he's always unique, he's undefiled. And so when we think about impurity, impurity is really anything that we do or that we see or that we beheld, that is ungodly. That is not God's best. Covetousness is just a word that means desire. And especially desiring someone else's life. And I think you kind of see that when we compare ourselves to others. A lot of times I find myself comparing myself to other pastors or other men or other husbands or other potential fathers. Um, I covet their life. I want what they have, I want the success they have, I want the platform that they have. I want what is not mine. I'm not content in what God has given me. And maybe some of y'all have felt the same way. I want the way he pursues her, I want the way she treats him, I want their dating success. I'm not content in my own. The reality is, man, dating hurts people. Dating can hurt people. Cloud Townsend says that dating does not hurt people, but dating in out-of-control ways does. So what are some of the ways? What does that look like? What does out-of-control dating look like? Number one, dating leads to intimacy, but not necessarily to commitment. The reality is that dating is not marriage, right? Dating plays at marriage and it aims at marriage, but it's not marriage. And so it doesn't have the commitment piece, the serious covenant-binding piece that marriage does. And so often we can confuse intimacy, what's up, Ridge? We can confuse intimacy in dating with covenant. And that's wrong. Song of Songs 2-7, uh, Song of Songs, great book by the way, that gets at the intimacy of marriage. Uh Song of Psalms 2-7 says, I adjure you or I compel you, daughters of Jerusalem, sons of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. Basically saying, and when you see the term awaken love, he's talking about marriage. Do not awaken marriage, do not make vows until you're ready to. That there's something so special about marriage, and there's something so special about man and woman coming together in covenant that we've got to be cautious in the way that we date. Number two, how does dating hurt people? Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. Tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. The reality is, like when you see somebody you like, I mean, you might not even know them. You just want to get to know them, though. And so you rush the typical stages of friendship that you normally would do with somebody else. You might have some friends that say, how are you in love with them? You just met them. You just met them a month ago. That's what dating can do. Dating in unhealthy ways. Number three, dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. Don't need to say much there. But oftentimes in unhealthy dating, we confuse physical relationship for actual intimacy. Number four, dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. A lot of times you might date, you might date in a silo. Nobody knows where you are. Nobody can get a hold of you, nobody can hang out with you anymore because you are with her or you're with him. That's real. Number five, dating in many cases often distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. You might have your friends ask you, hey, have you applied for that college? You apply for that grad program. Nah. What you been doing? I've been hanging out with her. I've been hanging out with him. Right? Number six, dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness. And number seven, dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character. In the sense to where you might not know if the person that you're dating is presenting the authentic them or are they just putting on in front of you. Um I would also add that from my re not, I don't say research, but from my conversation, like, because dating has changed from culture to culture, I would even say dating has changed from when I dated my wife to now. Like, there's a lot of confusion from what I've heard in what is dating. Like, I don't even think the word, the term dating y'all use. Is that fair? Yes, no, maybe so?

unknown 19:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

I think it, I think from what I correct me if I'm wrong, like live, correct me if I'm wrong, it seems to be that there are like several stages in this relationship piece, but nobody can agree on what the terms mean to other people. So like you you could be talking, and you could be dating, you could be in a relationship, but then there's a confusion of what is expected in each stage. So like if I'm talking to somebody, but then you know, I might be, I might be laboring under the assumption that I could talk to multiple people, but then if the once the other person finds out that I'm talking to other people, she or he might get hurt because they assume that because we talking, you mine. Is that fair? What I'm saying is, 1 Corinthians 14, 33 says, For God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints, when we don't clarify terms or clarify definitions of what we mean in dating, it leads to hurt, it leads to confusion, it leads to disorder. Um, and I would say, man, even in that, like what we just talked about, the talking stage is vital. Because you don't have an emotional relationship with somebody without talking. I mean, that can you imagine? Like, you got some friends, and y'all have never talking to one another, but you would call them friends? That's my friend. Okay, well, when the last time y'all talked? Two years ago. Or I've never talked to them. They just I met them at Welcome Week. What? Y'all not friends. That doesn't make any sense. Talking, the stalking stage is vital, but without a clear definition, it's confusing. Dating can be exclusive. Being in a relationship can be exclusive, but you might be playing games. Games might be played. And then in relationship, relationships can hurt. Even though the person that you're dating, you treasure them, you value them, you love them, because of our fickle hearts, because of your sin, people can hurt you and betray you and cheat on you and ghost you and isolate you. Dating in out-of-control ways, the result of that leads to hurt people and hurt people, hurt people. So think about this. In what ways do you need to repent, to turn from the ways that you have failed in your dating, talking, relating, lusting, love? In what ways do you need to repent and confess to the Lord, man, I've I've sinned in this way, I've been broken in this way? And in what ways do you need to pray and ask for healing for your dating heartache? In what ways do you need to ask God, man, my heart hurts. And I don't want to project my heart and my wounds onto people. I don't want to bleed on people, but I need you to heal me in the ways that I've been hurt. Think about that. Now, just because dating. And just because our this process of getting to know people and discerning well who's a viable spouse for us, just because it hurts and just because it's broken, just because it's dysfunctional does not mean that there is no hope. And I think Jesus gives us hope. Jesus, uh we think about this third point. How does Jesus redeem our dating sins and hurts? Man, Jesus has dated his bride so well that he's married her. Jesus has dated his bride so well that he's married her. And no, Josh, I'm not saying that Jesus had an actual spouse. I know that's what you think. The bride of Jesus is his church. Jesus is the bridegroom. If you read in Revelation especially, you'll see that there's a prominent metaphor that describes Jesus' relationship to the church. Jesus is the groom, and the church is the bride. But what does that mean? I mean, it didn't start there. Jesus had to pursue his bride. And he does. I think that's why Paul writes in Ephesians 5.25. He says, Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So Jesus gives himself up for his church. What does that look like? That means that Jesus pursued the church. He went after the church as a mature lover, dating with purpose and intention to a clear end. All of Jesus' life, all of the things he did, all of his sacrifice, dying on the cross, was so that he would purchase, claim, and marry his bride. And if you believe in him, then he has dated you, he has pursued you well. Proverbs 31:30 says, Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Mainly, and that's mainly saying that the chief love above all loves will never be your boyfriend, never be your girlfriend, never be your husband, never be your wife. It will always be the God of the universe, the great bridegroom, Jesus Himself. The love of Jesus is better, more valuable, and more secure than any love. That's why Jesus says in Matthew 10, 37, whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And that's a hard text. Because y'all got some good moms and some good dads. Y'all got some good aunties, some good uncles, y'all got some good brothers and good sisters. I got a child on the way. But Jesus is saying, man, it's not to say that like you should hate your family in order to love me. He's basically saying, like, the love that you have for your family should come second to me. Because none of your family, none of your brothers, none of your sisters, none of your children have pursued you and loved you in the way that I do. None of them have died for you. That's what Jesus is saying. Jesus has redeemed the way that we date. By dating us, by dating his church clearly, with maturity, with honesty, loving her despite her faults, and washing her with his blood. That's how Jesus has redeemed our sin, our hurts in dating. And then not only does he redeem us, but he also transforms us. He gives us hope for the way we date. That brings us to our last point, man. How does what does good, godly, Christ-like, healthy dating look like? What does it look like? There are a lot of different Christian pastors and ministers and thought leaders who have thought about this. I've got some handouts that I'm going to give out next week. But let me just give you maybe three aspects of what this looks like. And then next week we'll have some more conversation about it. Basically, when we think about the question, what does good, healthy dating look like? You can really sum it up in these three things, right? For one, you've got to reject worldly ideas of dating and embrace God's vision. Reject worldly ideas of dating and embracing God's vision. You should always be thinking, not even just about who you're dating, but the process, the system of how you evaluate who to date, always be asking, is this wise? Is this godly? Is this holy? Would God smile on this? Romans 12, 1 through 2 says, I appeal to you, therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. That by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Y'all, I think dating is a way that in God's common grace you can test what is God's will. And the test looks like I'm gonna ask her out. The test looks like I'm gonna go on a date with him. The test looks like I'm gonna trust her. The test looks like I'm gonna see, I'm gonna evaluate. That's what dating is. It's a long interview. And when it's done well, I think that God uses it to bring you closer to him and to bring you closer to that person. So, number one, reject worldly ideas of dating and embrace God's vision for dating. And then two, choose wisely. Choose wisely. 2 Corinthians 6, 14 through 15 says, Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? Y'all, uh, a yoke. Let's go, let's go to farming real quick. So a yoke uh in agriculture is just basically like a wooden um a wooden brace that you would put on two ox, right? I don't know if y'all ever seen an ox, but they big. It's basically you put them on two ox, and the farmer will be sitting behind, and like as as as we're as the ox are treading the grain, they're doling out the grain on the crop or whatever. I don't know if I'm using the phrase right. Ideally, you want two ox in, two oxen, I'm about to say two oxes, two oxen to be moving at the same pace, the same direction, eating at the same speed. That's kind of the image that Paul is getting at. So if you have two oxen and they move at the same speed, well, now the crop is even. But as soon as you have a fast ox and a slow ox, well, now the crop is uneven. And now the rain will unevenly saturate the crop. You might not even get all the seed in the crop. Not only when they're uneven, but also when you have an ox and a donkey. Donkeys are not made for treading out grain. That's kind of also what Paul is getting at. Essentially saying that when you choose someone to date, when you're looking, you've got your eye out. If you want to date in a holy way and a godly way, as a Christian, you should be seeking Christians. You should be dating in the Lord. You should be asking real questions, like, okay, I know you got a verse in your bio, but do you have the word in your heart? Like, I know you go to church on Sunday, but like, do you open up your Bible on Monday? I know that you say you love God, but do you love God enough to say no to your flesh, to deny yourself? Like, you should be asking those questions of the person that you're dating. You should be asking those questions of yourself. And then lastly, guard your heart. Guard your heart. Proverbs 423 says, keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Basically saying that because we get in our heads, because we think with our hearts, because dating messes us up and leads us to not use common sense, because that's what it is, because we're fallen, we're sinful, we struggle, keep guard your heart. Now, what does that mean? It means keep God in your life, open your word, pray, be close to Him, rest in the love that you have in Christ, and have people know who you're dating, have your friends get to know y'all together and trust when your friends call out red flags. It means because dating is non-committal, because it's not marriage, you don't owe your boyfriend, your girlfriend anything, really. Now, everything you give is of love, it's out of an overflow of thankfulness, it's out of an overflow of romance. But at the end of the day, you don't have to pay their bills. You don't have to buy them presents, you don't have to do these things because they're not your husband, they're not your wife. Everything that every good gift comes out of generosity and thankfulness. Does that make sense? Um, yeah, Cloud and Townsend say it is dating is mainly about your character growth and how you treat people. Mainly about your character growth and how you treat people. And I think that's also an aspect of guarding your heart. So think about this, man. Who who are you in your dating? What kind of person are you when you date? And who are you becoming in your dating? Who do you want to become when you date? It's the last thing I say. Jesus cares about the person you are becoming as you date just as much as he cares about the person you date. How you date will be how you marry. So choose wisely. And choose wisely because God in Jesus, in his perfect love, has chosen you out of darkness into his marvelous light. So that you would love him more than anybody. Because no human love can compare to Christ's love for you. Amen.