The 6th Stage of Grief no one talks about - Anxiety

In this episode of Father's Refuge, host James Moffitt delves into the often unspoken connection between anxiety and grief, particularly for fathers. He discusses the sixth stage of grief, as identified by Claire Bidwell-Smith, which is anxiety. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, Moffitt emphasizes the importance of acknowledging anxiety as a natural part of the grieving process. He encourages listeners to seek support and share their experiences, highlighting that vulnerability can lead to healing and community.

Takeaways

Anxiety is a common experience for those grieving.

Grief can stem from various types of loss, not just death.

The sixth stage of grief is anxiety, as noted by Claire Bidwell-Smith.

Personal experiences of loss can lead to profound anxiety.

Anxiety can change our perception of daily life and relationships.

It's important to acknowledge and accept anxiety during grief.

Healing involves sharing your story and seeking support.

Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

Community plays a crucial role in the healing process.

You're not alone in your struggles with anxiety and grief.

Sound bites

"Anxiety is the unrecognized sixth stage of grief."

"Healing begins with honesty. Share your story."

"Anxiety doesn't make you weak, it makes you human."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Anxiety and Grief

01:22 Understanding the Sixth Stage of Grief

03:36 Personal Reflections on Loss and Anxiety

06:06 The Impact of Sudden Loss

08:23 Navigating Grief and Anxiety

10:46 A Message to Fathers Facing Anxiety

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Transcript

James Moffitt (00:01.378)
Hello and welcome to Father's Refuge. My name is James Moffitt and I will be your host. Father's Refuge is a space for healing, honesty, and hope. Today we're leaning into a topic that touches more fathers than we can often admit. Anxiety. Whether it's the weight of grief, the pressure to stay strong, or the quiet battles we fight alone, anxiety can feel like a shadow we're not allowed to name. But here we name it.

we face it and we walk through it together. This episode isn't about fixing everything. It's about starting the conversation. It's about faith in the midst of fear and finding refuge, not in perfection, but in presence. God's presence, our presence. The kind that says you're not alone. Let's breathe deep, lean in and begin. So before we get started, I want to say that

This article was written by Jim Parton on medium.com. I've been reading articles on medium.com for quite a while and I also do a lot of writing. And I read this article that Jim Parton wrote on anxiety and he gave me permission to share it here on the podcast.

James Moffitt (01:22.936)
So having said that, let's dive in. Let's talk about the sixth level of grief that no one wants to talk about. Again, written by Jim Parton on medium.com. Why do I feel so anxious? I can't fall asleep easily. Food isn't fixing the problem. I've lost interest in the things I once loved. Reading seems tedious. Travel makes me feel worse. And I once loved to travel.

I've lost interest in planning for the future. I feel stressed, undone, and I don't know why.

James Moffitt (02:03.317)
If any of these conditions feel familiar to you, then you may be experiencing grief over a loss. Death, however, is not the only loss that can cause you grief. Divorce, children leaving home, terminal illness, a forced move from one place to another, the end of a long-term relationship with a friend. All of these and many more may cause you to grieve. You may be grieving without realizing that you are in one of the many stages of grief.

The five stages of grief have been discussed so thoroughly since they were introduced by psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. She identified or labeled the stages one goes through in grief as follows, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In 2018, clinical professional counselor Claire Bidwell-Smith published the book Anxiety.

The Missing Stage of Grief. This book added to the well-documented mental process that we go through, especially when a loved one dies. Anxiety is the unrecognized sixth stage of grief. For myself and my family, we were experiencing the first anniversary of my sister's tragic accidental death. For our entire family, the loss has been hard to process. Her death was sudden. She was one.

She was the one in the family we all knew would live to be 100, just as many of our female family members have done so in the past. I've been cloaked in anxiety since her sudden death. After one year, I'm just climbing out of the abyss of loss and anxiety.

She and I were very close. We are the two different children in the family. We both have same-sex relationships. We loved many of the same interests in life. She was my middle sister, and she and I looked like the maternal side of the family. Our other three siblings looked like the paternal branch.

James Moffitt (04:13.112)
Her partner at the time of her death was my best friend from my teaching days in California. We met over 30 years ago. They began communicating with one another for about a year before they let me know they were becoming more than friends. I was thrilled. I always knew that they would be compatible. And I couldn't have been more excited about welcoming my good friend of 30 years into the family.

But my friend Angie lived in California and my sister Novo was a rural Oklahoma rancher lady. Thank goodness Angie and I have had each other to talk to for comfort over the past year. Our journey through the stages of grief has paralleled one another. For months we talked daily trying to make sense of the unimaginable. Now we stay in touch weekly as we will always be friends and family.

We have both traveled the usual stages of grief, but the one stage that caught me most by surprise and paralyzed me for several months was anxiety.

When a person close to us dies, we are forced to reorient ourselves in the world. Who are we without that person in our lives? What role do we play now that they are not part of our daily process? How does their absence from our lives change our perspective on so many issues? For myself, and perhaps for Angie too, I had what can only be described as unbearable sadness.

I remember telling my husband, look, I'm not upset with you. There isn't anything going on that needs changing. I'm just sad. I had an unshakable feeling of dread. I could not find joy in the little moments of life.

James Moffitt (06:04.074)
Even amongst co-workers, friends, and my husband, I feel alone, or I felt alone. Even close family members who were trying to cope with the same loss were hard for me to connect with. The only connection I could remotely cling to was Angie, my sister's life partner. We had the bedrock of friendship to fall back on, plus the additional shock of losing someone we both cherished and loved.

Anxiety comes along with grief because sudden loss changes who we are. Let me say that again. Anxiety comes along with grief because sudden loss changes who we are. We look at our own mortality and the precariousness of our daily existence. The unpredictable events of our day confront us with the harsh reality that we don't have as much control over the events of our lives as we foolishly think that we do.

Anxiety at its root is fear. We fear the unknown that we can't control, and death is an overriding fear for many. We go about our lives blithely believing that we will go to bed and wake in the morning, and the day will unfold as it normally does for us, just as it has before.

James Moffitt (07:22.658)
But change is inevitable. The biggest change we experience in life is death. Death is inevitable. When death arrives unpredictably, we are shaken to our core. Death is not a part of our American culture. We don't discuss death. We don't plan for it. And we don't consider that death will apply to us. After all, we have so much to do today and tomorrow. Constant anxiety

demands the production of adrenaline. Our body sits in a constant state of fight or flight. Perhaps the best example I could describe demonstrating this is my sudden loss of fear of my sister-in-law's family dog. All my life I have had a fear of dogs. I was bitten in the face by a dog as a child and even the bark of a small dog bathes my body in a rush of adrenaline.

My sister died in November 2024. For seven weeks, I had been in the perpetual state of anxiety. But the time we reached her home in Kentucky at Christmas and their big dog barked at me, I felt nothing. No rush of adrenaline. I had no more to give. The visit was relaxed and happy and the dog, who normally terrorized me, accepted my presence because I was not constantly in a fight or flight mental state.

Being in a state of anxiety perpetuates more anxiety because you become anxious about being anxious. Physical symptoms begin to manifest and your health can deteriorate.

After five months I began to climb out of my state of anxiety and sadness and small things began to make me joyful. I smiled again at happier thoughts and enjoyed special moments. The sadness and pain from the loss of my sister still sit beside me every moment. But I have learned to live beside grief and once again move forward in life. If you're experiencing a time of grief,

James Moffitt (09:29.888)
I encourage you to accept that anxiety will be part of your grieving journey. You'll still experience the arguments of denial, bouts of anger, bargaining to change the circumstance, depression from loss, and final acceptance. Final acceptance is, without a doubt, the hardest to cope with. There is a bit of guilt in finally accepting the death of your loved one.

So that's the end of that article. And again, the article was written by Jim Parton on medium.com. And I will try to leave the link to the actual article in my show notes. So from a personal standpoint, there is a lot of anxiety with regards to walking through a situation where you have a family member that's...

has cancer or a terminal illness, whether it be a child, a spouse, a loved one, a significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, it doesn't matter.

The relationship does matter, but the closer to you that the person is, the harder it becomes.

I remember very succinctly that I experienced a lot of anxiety with regards to our journey with Jessica, Jessica Ann, who passed away in August the 5th of 2001 from cancer. So this is very good article and I want you to know that you're not alone. This is natural.

James Moffitt (11:16.168)
and I want you to be aware of it. wanted to share this article on anxiety with my listening audience so that you would be aware of it and that you can get help. Don't go it alone. Talk to your wife, talk to your significant other, talk to your family.

James Moffitt (11:44.45)
Before we close today, I want to speak directly to the Fathers listening. Those carrying silent burdens, those wrestling with anxious thoughts in the quiet hours. You're not alone. Anxiety doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. In that humanity, God meets us with grace. If this episode stirred something in you, I invite you to pause, breathe, and remember, healing begins with honesty. Share your story. Reach out. Let someone in.

At Father's Refuge we believe that vulnerability is strength and community is healing. So whether you're walking through grief, faith, or fear, this space is for you.

I would invite you to reach out to me at fathersrefuge.pm.me or fathersrefuge.protonmail.com. That's my direct email. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to reach out to me. Tell me your story. Ask your questions. I may not have the answers, but together I can help you walk through it.

So until next time, may peace find you in the stillness and may courage rise in the chaos. You're seen, you're loved, and you're never walking alone. So again, my name is James Moffat and this is Father's Refuge podcast. And until next time, may God be with you and God bless you and take care of you. And we'll talk to you later. All right. Bye-bye.