🎙️ Leadership Is Lonely Here's Why Nobody Talks About It

In this episode of Command 2 Corporate, Larry Perry explores why leadership can feel lonely, how isolation quietly impacts decision-making, and why every leader needs trusted mentors, coaches, and peers to stay grounded.

Whether you're stepping into your first leadership role or leading at the executive level, this conversation offers practical insight into one of leadership's least discussed realities.

🎯 In this episode:
🔹 Why leadership often feels lonely
🔹 The difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy isolation
🔹 Why leaders stop asking for help
🔹 How loneliness affects decision-making and team performance
🔹 The relationships every leader should intentionally build
🔹 Practical ways to stay connected while carrying greater responsibility

Leadership isn't about carrying every burden alone.

It's about building the wisdom, relationships, and perspective to carry them well.

Subscribe to Command 2 Corporate for practical leadership conversations designed to help you grow your influence, strengthen your leadership, and become the leader others trust to follow.

🔑 Key Takeaways
🔹 Leadership changes relationships long before leaders realize it.
🔹 Healthy boundaries strengthen leadership; isolation weakens it.
🔹 Great leaders ask for perspective before they need rescue.
🔹 Emotional isolation can quietly affect judgment, patience, and decision-making.
🔹 Every leader needs mentors, coaches, or trusted peers who provide honest feedback.
🔹 Leadership isn't about having all the answers—it's about continuing to grow.
🔹 The strongest leaders build support systems before they need them.

📌 What's one thing nobody told you before you became a leader?

Was it the responsibility... the pressure... or something completely unexpected?

I'd love to hear the lesson you've learned that could help someone else on their leadership journey.

👇 Share your experience below.

#leadershiplonely #leadershipisolation #impostersyndrome #mentor #coach #leadershipdevelopment #command2corporate

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

You know, no one warned me, and maybe no one warned you that being a leader, becoming a leader, would be lonely. You know, they tell you about accountability, people may tell you about responsibility, you'll have to make the difficult decisions. But what they don't tell you is that the higher you climb, and even that first step up, the fewer people you can speak to honestly about like what's going on, you know, how you're feeling, everything. It's just you just don't have anyone that you can talk to at times. So today we're talking about why leadership can feel lonely. And it's not that it's a weakness, it's just a reality of leadership. Welcome to Commander Corporate. So, why does leadership become lonely? I mean, leadership changes relationships off the bat. You're no longer one of the team, you're not a peer, you've now moved up. People watch what you say differently, some conversations could easily become inappropriate. Friends at times can become direct reports, peers become competitors. Sometimes, and many times you carry information that you can't share. Um, the higher your responsibility, the heavier the emotional load can be at times. You know, I think about the first time I became a leader was, I mean, I was given opportunities to hold, you know, going back to my days in the military, that would be the first time, little opportunities to lead certain things and kind of move up and have, you know, be in charge without actually being responsible for, you know, writing counseling statements and things like that. Um but it's different, I would say, in the military, because you actually separate. So you you'll get promoted, then you go away to school. So your peers won't see you for maybe a month at a minimum, and then you come back and you're wearing this this higher rank. You've been promoted, or you may go before the the the uh company, your your teammates and and get promoted and they witness it, get the promotion. But in the military, they respect the rank, so they respect the structure, everyone knows it, so it's different because at least my experience was different. You you you put on the rank, and it's just it is what it is. So now instead of them calling you by your last name, you're now sergeant so-and-so, you know, whatever the case may be, but that's what they will call you. They're going to, you know, stand at a certain way, parade rest when they're addressing you. So it's just because that's the way it is. Uh, in the civilian sector, I can see it not being such a smooth transition. And that's not to say that in the military, people don't feel some kind of way. Um, but I think probably one of the things that surprised me is that it seemed like an easy transition in the military, you know, but it it happened to, it was kind of like a change that happened overnight. I mean, people know that you're going before the board and they're already preparing. Some people are preparing for it in their mind. Like you will one day be, I will report to you. Um, and it's like it's okay. You know, it's not where it's and everyone's kind of can take their own path, their own journey, strive to reach that, become promotable, get promoted. I mean, everyone, it's in your hands, so people know it's coming, you know, and it's just the way it is. You know, loneliness doesn't happen because people stop talking to you. It truly does happen, and I see this more so in the civilian sector. It happens because your role changes. And what's the difference between being alone and feeling isolated? Being alone, physically, you're separated, but isolation is emotional. You know, healthy leaders would create boundaries. So where you would be buddy buddy and talking about everything, well, now I'm in charge. There has to be some boundaries. We can still be friendly and things like that, but there has to be boundaries because now I have a new set of responsibilities. Unhealthy leaders would just build up walls, almost like, don't talk to me, I can't talk to you and be real standoffish. And it's like, man, we can't, you know, we can still be friendly. So, where privacy protects trust, isolation can actually weaken leaders. And I've I've seen plenty where they just stay closed off. They don't talk, they don't engage, and it's like, you know, people are just looking like what's wrong with them, you know, they don't even speak, they don't greet people, you know, they just walk in, go in their office, shut the door, have go in and out, maybe have, you know, meet with some people here and there, and then they're gone and they just walk out. Sometimes even though they they left. And once you're in those kind of roles, you know, you don't need everyone to understand your decisions, you know, because you're in charge, but you should have someone, going back to that loneliness, have someone that understands your journey to kind of help you, you know, so that you're, you know, you have an outlet. One of the biggest mistakes leaders make is believing that they have to carry everything themselves when they don't. But where do you go? Who do you talk to? What should you do? And in the military, the good thing about the military is there's the structure is there. So you'll have people that are the same rank as you, so you'll have those peers at different levels, you'll still have the people that you report to, they will act as mentors and coaches for you. So it's all there because though you're you go through a course, you learn to you know how to navigate your job, you go through all this training so that you know how to operate in your lane as this newly promoted leader. And this is at each stage, whether you're uh enlisted or an officer, you go through these courses, but you have others that have already been through that, so they can help support you and guide you and identify areas where you can improve and things like that because they're observing and watching you as well, because they're handing down tasks, they're watching you execute, and then they may say, Hey, come, come here, let me talk to you about how you just did this. A lot of it is on-the-spot correction, but that's good. It's kind of helping you go along the way. Um, whereas in the civilian sector, I don't see that. I mean, for one, there's no leadership schools to get you ready for the roles that you're gonna take. It's just like, hey, you really did good at this, we're gonna promote you. We've talked about that before, and now you're promoted, and it's just like, okay, what do I do? And so many times the leaders above you have not had anything formal in themselves. So it really becomes challenging for those newly promoted leaders. And guess what? It could be leaders, you could be someone that's in a positional, I'll say position of leadership, having never gone through anything and still carrying this. You can even be a senior leader still going through the same thing. Because at times it could be where you uh even though you have peers at your level, you just don't connect, or you're not open to discuss and things like that, and so you still feel isolated, and so it's like, you know, what do you do? Why do so many leaders even, you know, they don't even sometimes seek to ask for help? Why not? Fear of looking weak, fear of losing credibility, pressure that they have to have all the answers. And I would say that's more so for people that have moved up higher to into higher levels, you know, and maybe they lucked out, maybe they were went from an individual contributor, someone left, the company shifted, all these different things, and now boom, you're in this role, and now we've shifted again, and now you're a senior leader in the company, you know, whether that's a senior director or vice president, senior vice president, whatever it is, and now you're there and you're like, Well, now I have to have all the answers. So that is all that pressures. So then I'm not gonna ask because I should know. Then that imposter syndrome comes on, and then it's that thought of I'm the leader or I'm in this position, I should know. But but some but you won't, you don't know, you don't know, and and it's the reality of things, you don't know. The strongest leaders ask better questions, not fewer questions, and and sometimes you have to rely and lean on your people. Um, but I think in leaning and maybe going down and asking questions, don't make it seem like I know everything and just tell me or kind of push it off on someone else because you flat out don't know. I would rather say, you know what? You're coming with me with this, you know, I'm asking this question because I don't know. Like, help me out. Let's work through this together because this is something that I have not ex don't have much experience with. Maybe you do, have you? Let's kind of work, collaborate, and see what we can come up with. I think that's a better, better uh approach than to just not say anything or put together anything or push it off on someone else because you don't know. Then when you push it off and they give you back something, then you're just critiquing the hell out of it. You know, I would expect better, and I would this and that, and all of these things that you, you know, kind of negative things, putting it down, but it's like, but you didn't know to begin with. So come at it from the other direction because coming at the other direction where it's let's collaborate, I don't know. To me, right then and there, you've built better credibility than to push it off and then critique when someone gives it when you don't know how to do it yourself. Ask for help, ask questions. Why did you come to this? Help me understand because I honestly don't know. Don't start spouting out answers to things that you don't know because then then you'll look like a fool. Because then everyone will know you don't even know, you know. But I'm they're not gonna say anything because you're you're the leader. So they're gonna be like, oh, but but you really don't know. I remember when I was first, I moved in uh my first civilian, I would say 100% civilian job. I was new, I spent, I was a supervisor, uh, new to an industry, hired because of my leadership background coming out of the military. Uh, I did have a degree at the time, bachelor's degree at the time, and I remember going through 45 days of training, then I went to night shift. And there was an incident at the time we made a uh pharmaceutical product, and something happened where there was like discrepancies, you know, the manufacturing, no matter, and just no telling how much we had made at the time that had this defect. So I had a specialist, uh, manufacturing specialist, have been there years, and he said, Hey Larry, here's what we need to do. And now I have never experienced this before. Though I'm in charge, I am new to the industry, having never experienced this before. Excuse me. So he says, Here's what we need to do. We need to shut down the line, we need to take this group of people, and we need to start reworking it here on the line, meaning going through the product and finding the defects and throwing it out. He said, Trust me, I would not steer you wrong. That's what we need to do. What do I do? Do I say no, leave it, keep running, like fix the problem and keep running, and we'll just leave it and I'll talk to someone else about it? Or do I shut down the line, which costs money, bill the people the rework, rework, that's waste costing money, and do it that way. I could have made the decision and said, you know what? No, we're not, we're just gonna push it off to the side, fix it, and keep going. But I said, okay, you know what? You've been here longer than me. I trust your judgment, let's do it your way. Okay, great. He shut down the line, he grabbed the people, they start doing it. So then the day shift comes in. So I report out, hey, we found a defect, here's what we're doing. And at the time, they were like, hey, good call. Thanks. It wasn't me, and I'm always about giving credit where credit is due. That gentleman there told me this was the best core of actions. Well, hey, we need to recognize him or thank him or whatever, but that was a good call. And it wasn't until I gained experience under my belt to know when that would be appropriate or when what I thought to do and keep running was appropriate. But it's asking for help, asking people what we should do. They've been there, they've worked the line, been in the manufacturing environment some 10, 15 years. And I was young too at the time. I was probably one of the youngest people in the department as a supervisor. So I had to rely on them. And it was no shame because at the end of the day, I want to be successful, I want the team to be successful. So, what's the best course of action? If leaders stop asking for help, what happens to the people they lead? You know, it it you just don't want to, you're gonna lose that credibility for one. They're gonna be like, well, you know it all, then you figure it out. You could be set up for failure, things could start to fall apart, and they will see it and they'll know that you're again putting up the walls. Don't ask me, I know what's best because I'm in charge. You won't always know what's best. So, how does lonely leadership affect your team? Decision fatigue, your patience is short, you know, you less coaching of them, less listening. I don't want to hear it. Micromanagement can start to set in, emotional exhaustion. Leaders start to become reactive instead of intentional and like planning and thinking strategically. People don't experience your intentions, they experience your behavior. People are gonna remember how you treated them, they're gonna remember your how you behaved, also how you let others behave. They will remember that. That is probably the uh when I when I think about why people stay on a job. I think you know, you have an awesome leader. You can have pretty halfway decent, you know, employed team members, but if you have an outstanding leader that's there for you, helping you grow, all giving you opportunities fair across the board, you'll stay. Sometimes you can have a bad leader, but your team is so awesome and they they they they uplift each other. And I mean the whole team, when y'all make it through, that could be reasons why people stay too. So it's those types of behaviors that people kind of connect with and feel that'll keep them there. So, how do leaders protect themselves without shutting people out? So, why should every what should or who should every leader have in their corner? And we just talked about this before. Number one, a mentor. I think, I mean, you could have a coach. Uh you could have both, you know, honestly. Um, I see coaches actually going through it myself for the first time, where it's like, well, what do you think you should do? How did you feel about that? Do you think you should have done it this way? What was the outcome? What was your approach? What was the response? You know, it's kind of those things where it was a mention. It was like, hey, here's what I want you to do. I want you to stop doing this, I want you to try this approach. It's like getting you to that end goal quicker. Because let's say, and until you know and you can start to formulate and kind of reflect on what you're doing, maybe you just lack the experience where coaching may not get you there. And you might just feel like, well, I don't know. That's what I'm asking you for, but that's not their job as a coach. Whereas a mentor is gonna say, stop, do this, do that, try this. And that has to also be coupled with your general personality as well. Because people that are outgoing and more extroverted, I think they can just a mentor tells them, go forth, they're gonna go do it. Like, I'm all right, I've got it. Um, you know, they can talk to the people, what would you say? They make notes and they're going out there. Introverted is gonna be could be a lot more work, still be emotional, emotionally draining, you know, because it's just not in them. I also think for people that are in that get promoted to leadership, and a lot of people want to get promoted, they want to make that one and they want to be in charge, but I also think you have to be a people person and like people. That sounds might sound funny. Um, but do you even care about people to begin with? Because if you don't, that's also gonna be very hard, and that could also lead to your own isolation because I don't really care, I'm really closed off. I'd rather not deal with anything, but you're gonna do a disservice to your team. So when you finally do have that culture mentor to kind of help you get out your cell, and it's gonna be over time, it's gonna be exhausting, but it really just helps you, for one, not have that loneliness, not build up those walls against your team members. And this could not even be like I said, you just got promoted and they were previously your peers. You could have already been on this journey for a long time and still facing the same thing. And and it's about having the right mentor and the right coach. So it's almost like you hear this, but you also have to reflect on that and say, what do I think? Do I feel that that is the best way to go? Should I tweak this? Should I just also having a trusted peer, someone that may be completely out of your out of your department, it could be out of your company, you know, but something that's come up with you that could possibly share things to kind of help you out. It could be your significant other, it could be professional network, a leadership community, former leaders. That's usually that that really helps out a lot because they've already been there. Some of them retired, and you can go to them and say, Hey, this is what I'm feeling. How what do you think I should do? Um, you know, and ask questions. How did you overcome this? Asking them questions. Have you ever felt this way? You know, don't build an echo chamber, build people who challenge your thinking. You have to. Let me sit in my leadership corner, let me assess the situation, let me put up healthy boundaries, let me start to talk to mentors, let me use others outside of my direct reports and my immediate team members to talk to and work through issues and maybe share the secrets and talk through secrets and how should I approach it because this is coming down the line, or whatever the whatever the topic is, they talk to their their the people below them, their subordinates. They talk to them, they talk to their favorites. Those same peers that you were in the club with or going out with, even though you got promoted. Oh, they're still, y'all are still tight. So you still share, you overshare. That gets messy. It's going to get messy. Don't do that. People learn the hard way. Do not do that. It will get messy. Uh, somebody's gonna say something, it's never gonna stay a secret, it will get out, and then it's gonna come back to you. What did you say? Who did you share this with? This is supposed to be confidential. Now you're backtracking, and then ultimately it could lead to you being terminated. So you don't want to do that. And some people can't get their mind wrapped around that, especially. I mean, I won't say it's about age because I've seen it, you know, when people are younger, the inexperience of uh being a leader can lead to that. But there's people that are older that still maintain, I would say, the first thing that comes to mind is toxic relationships where you're sharing stuff that you should not share. And once you start it, it just opens the door to me, manipulation, um, just a toxic environment. And once you cross that, you've not put up the boundary and the and the gates are down, and people are just running across. It just makes it where when things finally go south and you have to act on uh someone's negative behavior, you can't, it's uncomfortable, you can't talk to them, or they know stuff that you shared that you shouldn't have that they could easily leak, and it just becomes a real messy, messy thing. Just don't do it, you know. It fall back, and if you've already crossed this, you need to back out. You need to you need to recalibrate, get that boundary up, healthy boundary. You're the leader, you lead the team, these are no longer your peers, they're they're your direct reports. It kind of re you got to recalibrate, get that boundary up, set clear expectations, say it's not personal, it's just the nature of the job. I need to be in this position, um, and just kind of fall back, treating treating everybody fairly, respectfully, friendly, but you got to fall back, stay in your lane, let them stay in their lane, and then go back to looking for a mentor, a coach, a peer, maybe someone completely out the organization. That's probably preferred, you know, that you're it's not even in an organization because sometimes, depending on the organization, some are large, and you know, you may someone know someone in a totally different state, time zone, whatever the case may be. But outside the organization is probably best. Um, a friend, something outside of work that you could talk through things with that is hopefully has is on that level for you to have those discussions with um as your outlet. That way you can say, okay, you know, all right, and you can go back into the game, you know. So step out, you know, time out, half time, recalibrate, go back out there, and keep playing. How do great leaders stay connected while carrying responsibility? They schedule thinking time, they protect relationships, invest in that mentoring, finding executive peers, executive coaches, continue learning. I think this is a big one. All of those are great. Continue learning. I think many times people feel like they made it, and I don't have to learn because I'm already here, and the continual education stops. But you can always look to get better. There's nuggets everywhere, whether it's through formal classes, whether it's through a book, there's plenty of self-help and guide, all these different kinds of books out there that you can look, research, find something, and read. There's plenty of stuff on YouTube. Um, so continue learning. You know, if you're questioning, you know, uh behavior or something's going on, or something you're feeling, there's a lot of outlets. Type it in, you know, search, see what comes up. Um, but continue learning. I think that's one of the biggest things you can do. A lot of people stop. Um, there's plenty of people that can always try to learn something new, but there's plenty of people stop and stop early, and that could be your downfall. So continue learning. Be honest about your challenges. Um, definitely celebrate small wins. I'm always about taking the win. Many that have worked with me um will know that I say we got to take a win, you know, no matter how small, because when you take that small win, it opens the door for bigger wins to be celebrated for people to uh connect more. So you get that small win, they're like, oh, okay, I see there's some you know some light at the end in the tunnel. So then they're they're eager to see what's next. So then that can help you. Don't lose yourself trying to lead everyone else. Uh, and I think that's it, that's that's pretty good to reflect on because you got to stay true to yourself. Um, and I think you know, staying true to yourself, but at the same time, you know, being that healthy leader, you know, and using resources to help you improve and get better. Like I said, I've been leading people for a good 20 plus years, and this is the first time ever that I've formally had an executive coach. I mean, that's uh that's probably now that's not to say my time in the military, I've had plenty of mentors, so a good half of that I did have mentors, but I think in the civilian sector, I don't can't say that I really had mentors. I had people educating me on how to perform the role, but truly having a mentor or someone to talk to. I've had plenty of people to talk to, I think. But as I've getting gotten higher, that group becomes smaller, and you can start to feel it. And so I think even being able to come home and and talk to my wife or some other friends about what's going on, sometimes just to talk about it and get it out, I mean, it helps, it goes a long way. Um, you know, leadership should expand your life, not consume it. And and that can be that I think a lot of people face because I think they do get in a place of that loneliness and that burden, and it does consume them. Where again, it's like they don't want to ask for the help, they don't want to reach out, they don't want to say anything because you know what? I'm here, I have to do it, and I have to know everything, but you won't. Especially if you're not, I won't say especially, but continue learning. You got plenty around you that are, you know, even younger people are coming in now. They've gained some nuggets. People around you are still learning. You know, if you can have a trusted partner, someone that you see is, you know, has success, you know, they they maybe they you look at their survey results, they're always sky high. Well, what's going on over there? You know, it could be a lot of fluff, but it doesn't hurt to talk about it. So don't let it consume you, you know. But definitely healthy boundaries need to be set, but have those outlets, have those people you can talk to so that you're not feeling isolated, you know, you don't want to feel like that. But remember, healthy boundaries. I can't say it enough. Healthy boundaries. So let's go into our leadership mirror. If leadership suddenly became easier tomorrow, would it be because your responsibilities changed, or because you finally had someone helping carry the weight? Let me say that again for our leadership mirror. If leadership suddenly became easier tomorrow for you, would it be because would it be because your responsibilities have changed, or because you finally had someone helping carry the weight? Leadership challenge. This week identify one leadership conversation you've been carrying by yourself. Instead of continuing to process it alone, reach out to someone you've earned the right to trust: a mentor, a coach, or a respected peer, not for answers, for perspective. Strong leaders don't become stronger by carrying every burden alone. They become stronger by surrounding themselves with people who challenge, support, and sharpen them. Remember, iron sharpens iron. Remember, lead with purpose, lead with courage. I'll catch you next time in the