Dopamine & Detours
Dopamine & Detours is about riding the waves of life — the highs, the lows, and all the unexpected side quests along the way. Born out of our own infertility journey, this podcast dives into raw, unfiltered conversations about what it really means to keep going when life doesn’t follow the script.
Through interviews and honest storytelling, we explore the moments that test us, surprise us, and shape us. From heartbreak to humor and everything between. Because even in the detours, there’s always a chance to find connection, resilience, and maybe even a little dopamine
Dopamine & Detours
Publicly Processing Our Shame
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This week we answer couples relationship questions, talk embarrassing moments we’ve had in front of each other, go through immigration test questions for your spouse, and react to a wild Reddit story about an absolute douchebag baby daddy.
What's up, dogs?
SPEAKER_06Hi.
SPEAKER_02Welcome back to another episode of Dopamine and Detours. We're this week, we're a day late and a dollar short.
SPEAKER_06How do you do that? You just came.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I did. Word, word came.
SPEAKER_06That sounded bad.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_06You went from staring at me dead in my face like saying that we're losers to that.
SPEAKER_02Well, you people be slacking. We only have like minimal listeners out there. Step those numbers up. Slackers. But the people that I'm talking to are the only ones that are listening, so this little defeat defeats the purpose here.
SPEAKER_06It does. Okay, I'm gonna play this and we're gonna answer these questions. Okay. Oh, this might be loud. Alright, ready?
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm. Can you and your spouse pass an immigration marriage interview? You'll be separated and be asked personal questions to see if they match. Get your spouse. The two of you should take this test together. Ring. Ring. Two. One. Question one. What color is your spouse's toothbrush?
SPEAKER_02White. No. You have a light blue.
SPEAKER_06Am I blue? And you're gray?
SPEAKER_02I don't even know.
SPEAKER_06Shit.
SPEAKER_02I was blue at one point, but you just started stealing my toothbrush, so I think it you took it over.
SPEAKER_06Not true.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Not true.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So I just replace the head and rock with it.
unknownOh my gosh.
SPEAKER_06Not starting off great.
SPEAKER_00Question two. Which side of the bed did your spouse sleep on?
SPEAKER_02The right side.
SPEAKER_06Yes.
SPEAKER_00Question three. What did your spouse where the bed left?
SPEAKER_02Uh the pajamas that don't fit. Question four. Cold game?
SPEAKER_01Question five. Why? When was the last time the two of you went out to a restaurant? What was the restaurant and what'd you eat?
SPEAKER_02Wait, pause it. I need time to think. What when was the last restaurant wool? Hmm, tacos? No.
SPEAKER_06Tacos?
SPEAKER_02It's the last restaurant we went to and sat down and ate?
SPEAKER_06We had dinner with Snow at White Dog.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, we did have dinner.
SPEAKER_06What are you talking about? When we went to our secret Mexican restaurant and the walls almost fell down?
SPEAKER_02No, when Riley was there.
SPEAKER_06That was the same day.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I thought it was a different day. Two. We only have two TVs. Dang, what the seven?
SPEAKER_01How many locked on the front door of your home?
SPEAKER_02Two? How come you're not answering? Okay.
SPEAKER_01Question nine. What time did you stop being for working?
SPEAKER_02How come you're not answering these questions?
SPEAKER_06Because it's going so fast, it's just easier if it's just you.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm. I got nothing. What did it just say? What time did you leave for work? I don't know. Probably like 11.
SPEAKER_06Oh, I actually did leave for work at 11 yesterday.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was out the door. What time did I leave?
SPEAKER_06You leave at 5.46.
SPEAKER_02That was wrong. I left at 5.30 the other day.
SPEAKER_06Did you? It's usually like 5.45, 5.46.
SPEAKER_02Sometimes I'm late.
SPEAKER_06Anyways.
SPEAKER_00Question 10. Name everything hanging on the walls in your bedroom.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, right. That sucks because it's- There's not enough sh fucking we don't have enough time on this podcast to name all the things on our wall in the bedroom.
SPEAKER_06Brief summary.
SPEAKER_02Records. Some finger paintings that you did.
SPEAKER_06Um finger paintings.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06There's a paintbrush involved.
SPEAKER_02Oh. Looks like fingers. Um.
SPEAKER_06Savage.
SPEAKER_02That might be it. You just changed it though.
SPEAKER_06I know that was. Now there's a lot on our walls.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Vision board.
SPEAKER_00Question 11. What is the color of your couch in your living room?
SPEAKER_02Uh, like a blue-gray? Bush gray?
SPEAKER_00What more of transportation does your spouse take to work and how long does it take? So how many did you get right?
SPEAKER_02You drive a car.
SPEAKER_00She drives a car.
SPEAKER_02She drives a car. Toilet around four.
SPEAKER_06How long does it take?
SPEAKER_02Uh well, if you leave at 11, it probably takes you 45 minutes.
SPEAKER_06Takes me 30 minutes to get to work.
SPEAKER_02Oh.
SPEAKER_06Good job you passed the immigration test.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I answered every single question. Right. Correctly. I have more. Oh, okay. I feel like Jeopardy.
SPEAKER_06If you lost me in a grocery store, what aisle would you check first?
SPEAKER_02Well, right now in this current moment. Yeah. Probably the cereal aisle. It'd be parked next to the Cocoa Pebbles.
SPEAKER_06I did spend way too long in the cereal aisle just now because I wanted chocolate Cheerios.
SPEAKER_02I'm surprised you didn't come home with some nasty chocolate cereal that wasn't good.
SPEAKER_06You like cocoa pups?
SPEAKER_02No, I don't like chocolate.
SPEAKER_06Wait, what are those? Cocoa crispies? I don't like You don't like chocolate flavored things.
SPEAKER_02I don't like chocolate flavored cereal.
SPEAKER_06You like fruit like fruity pebbles?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'd rather have fruity pebbles than cocoa pebbles.
unknownGross.
SPEAKER_06If I lost you in the grocery store, what would you check first?
SPEAKER_02Well, I wouldn't check because I would be the one that lost. So what would you check?
SPEAKER_06That's what I'm asking myself. If I couldn't find you, it's probably because you were staring at the protein bars.
SPEAKER_02That's probably fair.
SPEAKER_06If I had a warning label.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Catch me in that juice on the other hand.
SPEAKER_06If I had a warning label, what would it say?
SPEAKER_02Caution.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that was rude. What did you just think in your head?
SPEAKER_02Caution. I was gonna say will attack. But then I was thinking like, hmm.
SPEAKER_04Like, uh I don't know. What are the signs they have for the mean dogs?
SPEAKER_06Beware of dogs.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but like Beware of the pregnant wife.
SPEAKER_06I'm only mean to you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. That's fair.
SPEAKER_06Yours would say caution, we'll bore you with dumb golf facts and peptide information.
SPEAKER_02That sounds exciting.
SPEAKER_06What's the one thing you'd never let me be in charge of?
SPEAKER_02Cooking the meats.
SPEAKER_06Hmm, that was a good one. I don't want to be in charge of that.
SPEAKER_02You don't be cooking meats, Doc.
SPEAKER_06What is the one thing I would not let you be in charge of?
SPEAKER_02I don't know. That's a great question.
SPEAKER_06Deep cleaning.
SPEAKER_02Pushesha. I just deep cleaned the bathroom. What are you talking about?
SPEAKER_06You didn't even take the trashes out.
SPEAKER_02I scrubbed everything.
SPEAKER_06You didn't even take the trashes out. They weren't full. We're gonna move on. What's my go-to excuse when I don't want to do something? My feet hurt. That is not fair. My feet are literally gigantic. You asked. I get upset. That's stupid, though.
SPEAKER_02Okay, you want should we try something else? Um try it again, ask me again, and I'll think of non-pregnant version you. Thank you. Okay.
SPEAKER_06What's my go-to excuse when I don't want to do something?
SPEAKER_02I don't want to do that.
SPEAKER_06I don't really come up with excuses.
SPEAKER_02Because I don't want to.
SPEAKER_06I just say I don't want to. What's your go-to excuse? You're kind of the same. I just don't want to. Except we're different. I will tell the people, I just don't really want to go, not feeling it today. Can we try to reach out? Yes, you blame it on me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because you don't care.
SPEAKER_06Or you'll come up with like an You you feel like you have to have an excuse to people. Like, oh, we can't, we're not gonna come because and this and this, where I'm like, we're just we just don't want to. We're gonna just not today. Thank you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I blame it on the phone.
SPEAKER_06This is why you have friends and I don't.
SPEAKER_02I blame it on you because it's easier that way. It's so messed up. But you usually you don't want to do things, so it's easy to be like That's not true. Well, the things I have to like pawn off on you. But like, oh yeah, she just she doesn't want to go golfing.
SPEAKER_06When have I ever not wanted to go golfing?
SPEAKER_02When it's cold.
SPEAKER_06I don't get invited.
SPEAKER_02Or real early in the morning.
SPEAKER_06If our relationship was a weather pattern, what would it be right now?
SPEAKER_02Right now, it'd probably be like outside. It's like nice and sunny on the surface, but it's a little windy out there. Things blowing around.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I did just have a whole therapy session about you today.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I was supposed to probably do.
SPEAKER_06If you had to describe me to a therapist, where would you start?
SPEAKER_02She's mean. With her words. She gets mad at me for not reading her mind. That's what I would say.
SPEAKER_06Soup's not true. I tell you the thing on my mind and then you don't do it.
SPEAKER_02Okay. I guess I would say she gets mad at me for not completing tasks on her timeline.
SPEAKER_06Thank you. That feels fair and accurate.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because it is.
SPEAKER_06If I had to describe you through a therapist, where would you start? I say nice things about you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because you say all the mean things to my face.
SPEAKER_06Today I described you as very kind and thoughtful.
SPEAKER_02Hmm. That's nice.
SPEAKER_06And then followed it up with he's not very compassionate though. So if I called you from jail, what's your first guess for why I'm there?
SPEAKER_02Not again. Sorry.
SPEAKER_06We're gonna move on. Not again, is crazy to say. If you called me from jail, what's my first guess for why you're there? Honestly.
SPEAKER_02Guess why I'm there? Is that what the question was?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, what's if I called you from jail, what's your first guess for why I'm there? I would think that it would be my cousin running his mouth and you getting involved unnecessarily and you both getting arrested.
SPEAKER_04Hmm.
SPEAKER_02Maybe.
SPEAKER_06That feels accurate.
SPEAKER_04Could happen. Potentially.
SPEAKER_06That was it. That was all of the seven.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Easy piece of cake.
SPEAKER_06I could find more. What's the weirdest thing you find attractive about me?
SPEAKER_02Probably that you're mean. Wow. No, this that you it's not really weird. I don't think there's any weird things. What do you do that's weird?
SPEAKER_06What's the weirdest thing I find attractive about you? What's the weirdest thing I panic? I thought it was attractive the other day when you plugged in my foot massager. Acts of kindness? What's the weirdest thing?
SPEAKER_02That's an odd question, because it's like if I thought it was weird, but I think it's attractive.
SPEAKER_06Okay. If we were characters in a sitcom, what would our show be called?
SPEAKER_02Hmm. Dopamine and Detours.
SPEAKER_06There you go. What's your favorite thing I wear that I have no idea you love?
SPEAKER_02Hmm. What's say it, say it, read it to me one more time.
SPEAKER_06What's your favorite thing I wear that I have no idea you love?
SPEAKER_02Hmm. I like when you wear your bucket hat.
SPEAKER_06Hmm. I like when you wear your vans. Got my vans on, but they look like sneakers. If you had to describe me using only food, what would I be?
SPEAKER_02Cafe Rio.
SPEAKER_04Or a cheeseburger. That's where you would be.
SPEAKER_02A cafe Rio salad burger.
SPEAKER_06Mmm, gross. What would you be? Steak.
SPEAKER_02Or tacos, probably.
SPEAKER_06I was thinking some type of taco and a soda taco. What's the most embarrassing thing I've done in front of you? I think it just happened the other day.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say there's this thing that's coming to my mind right now that I don't know if you want me to put on the interwebs.
SPEAKER_06Did it just happen the other day?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, we almost died. As a collective family. There was a gas leak in our house.
SPEAKER_04Reverberated off of my leg.
SPEAKER_06That was so embarrassing.
SPEAKER_02The messed up part is you got totally up out of your spot and literally came and sat on me and then got got all cozy and you ripped ass on my leg. And then it stunk. So that that's probably my answer.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's fair. That was embarrassing. I don't know. What's the most embarrassing thing you've done in front of me?
SPEAKER_02Probably happened to me the other day too.
SPEAKER_06You farted on me?
SPEAKER_02No, I didn't fart. Remember you were outside? You were sitting on the patio and I came to join you.
SPEAKER_06No, what happened? This is you got in bear story.
SPEAKER_03I sound like a teapot right now. You have to say it because I can't.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's pretty embarrassing. Uh Ash was on the back patio chilling in the sunshine, and I I was inside and the dogs were outside, and everyone was just chilling, and I was swiftly walking to the outside. Sorry guys, our batteries died. Anyways, like I was saying, I was swiftly walking to the outside, and we have one of those uh on our sliding glass door where the screen door would be. We have one of those like magnetic like screen doors. I don't know if you've seen them, but they like open up. Well, I thought that that was just what was there, and I ran face first into the sliding glass door.
SPEAKER_03It was so funny for me.
SPEAKER_02Like legit boom. Well, I'm pretty sure my forehead is still smudged on the glass.
SPEAKER_06It is. That was the funniest thing that's ever happened.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that that got me good.
SPEAKER_06That was funny.
SPEAKER_02Rang my bell a bit, a wee bit.
SPEAKER_06Is it still going?
SPEAKER_02It's still going.
SPEAKER_06Alright.
SPEAKER_02Our batteries might die again. Sorry. Beware. Is that was that all the questions?
SPEAKER_06Oh. Yeah. No, but while we were having technical difficulties, I left. Um, let's see, let's see, let's see. Do-do-do.
SPEAKER_02What do you have now? You left and went nowhere? Or did you pull up your Reddit? When you don't, what do you got?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I was gonna pull up some Reddit. And then we were done.
SPEAKER_02Well let's do the thing.
SPEAKER_06Okay, I have options.
SPEAKER_02What are your options?
SPEAKER_06Sorry, hold on. If it says it's an update, oof no. Okay. Boyfriend's mom wants to be at the hospital when I give birth, but I don't know how to tell her no. My sister has been saying she and her husband oh, we already read that one.
SPEAKER_02So you don't have options.
SPEAKER_06I do. I might break up my engagement because my fiance doesn't eat my food. Wait, did we read that one?
SPEAKER_04Mm-mm.
SPEAKER_06Am I the asshole for not adding my baby's father to the birth certificate or giving the baby his surname?
SPEAKER_02Ooh, that could be juicy.
SPEAKER_04Do you want to do that one? True.
SPEAKER_02Was he like active father, showed up, was there, everything? Because if so, that's hacked up.
SPEAKER_06I'm 2024.
SPEAKER_02He's 2024? Female?
SPEAKER_06It says I'm 2024.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you are.
SPEAKER_06Hmm. Okay, that's confusing. I, 35 female, visited my home country after living abroad for several several years. While I was back, I met a guy on Hinge. He's 38 male. We headed off straight away and ended up talking every day for months, even after I returned to the country where I was working. On a second visit home, I fell pregnant. Around that time I had slept with H that's him, that's what she's calling him, and one other person. So there were genuine doubts about paternity. H was honest that he didn't want to commit his relationship. He said he enjoyed sleeping around, and I was also going back abroad, so things were complicated from the start. After the 12-week mark, we were still speaking daily, and I told him about the pregnancy and the uncertainty. I came back again for the holidays and we actually had a really nice time together. Bonding over my bump, it felt hopeful. But when I went back abroad, I found out he was still actively dating other people. That hurt a lot, especially because I had lent him money, which was never repaid, and he was effectively using that money to take other women on dates. To be fair him to be fair to him, he never promised exclusivity, but I thought given the situation, he might change his mind. At the time, I blamed myself a bit, thinking the paternity doubts might have pushed him away. Eventually I moved back home permanently, had the baby, and moved into the house with a relative. The baby is 100% H's, no doubt now. Probably look just like him. H was present at the hospital, but honestly he wasn't very supportive. I had an emergency C section and he complained quite a bit about his own discomfort. So eventually he went home to rest. The first night I was alone, terrified, sitting upright with a newborn who sounded like he was struggling to breathe. I was too scared to lie down and physically couldn't move properly. It was a rough start. Now, a year later, H lives about five miles away. There's a train station near both of us and it's about fifteen to twenty minute walk on my end. He works part-time, but despite that, he only sees the baby anywhere from once a week to once a month. His main reason is that he quote can't handle the commute. When he does come over, he'll stay one to three nights. He is kind to the baby, patient, and generally generally helpful around the house. But he gets tired quickly, becomes irritable, and then leaves. Even if he doesn't have work. That used to really upset me, but over time I've just gotten used to it. Financially he contributes nothing. I currently can't work because I have no childcare, so I'm relying on savings, benefits, and help from friends and family. I can't breathe.
SPEAKER_02She definitely doesn't live in the US, tell you that.
SPEAKER_06H says he doesn't have much money, but he still smokes and spends money on g on money on games he plays. I get people that people are allowed to have their own spending, but it's hard not to notice he has some disposable income, yet none of it goes towards his child. When I registered the birth, H wasn't there, so I registered the baby with just me, my chosen first name and my surname. Since then, H has repeatedly asked to be added to the birth certificate and wants the baby to have his surname. I've said no. Part of it is practical. I don't see us being together long term, and I may want to move abroad again. I don't want someone who is minimally involved to have legal control over decisions like that. Part of it is emotional. I feel like I've done the vast majority of the work. Pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, financial responsibility, and it doesn't sit right with me that he can just step in, put his name on everything, and leave. There's also smaller things like not loving his surname in English, but that's not the main issue. He says I'm being unfair, and that he has a right to be recognized as a father. I'm torn because biologically he is a dad, but in reality, his involvement has been inconsistent. But on the other hand, he's tried to show commitment on paper. He casually said one day in the bathroom that we should get married now, and was upset when I turned him down. I don't think I want to marry anyone, and definitely don't think we should be doing it just because we have a baby together. Recently he's got behind on rent, so is also trying to move in with me. I've said absolutely not because he cannot handle staying here for a few days, let alone more permanent situation. I think without a solid foundation, living together will just be strained. And I just feel like he says the right things, but doesn't step up to support any of us in any real substantial way. Am I the asshole?
SPEAKER_02Nah, fuck that guy.
SPEAKER_06That's hard to read.
SPEAKER_02Fuck that guy. The thing about it is it it sounds like maybe he's trying a little bit now. Too little too late, pal. Too little too late. You weren't there. You weren't you didn't help her when she came out of the hospital.
SPEAKER_06Sorry. That was made me tired reading that for some reason.
SPEAKER_02None of that is good. None of that is good. This guy's a real piece of work.
SPEAKER_06Well, I'm wondering why he even wants that anyways. And why does he suddenly now want to get married?
SPEAKER_02Probably because he doesn't have any money.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, he wants to marry her so he has somewhere to live.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Also, she don't have a job, so. Where are they getting that money?
SPEAKER_06Sounds like she had a good savings.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And doesn't live in America. Yeah, what a real piece of work that guy is. That's all I gotta say about that.
SPEAKER_06Top comment. He's a hobosexual.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. That's kind of funny.
SPEAKER_06Another top comment. I don't know the laws in OP's country, but in the UK, if H moves in with OP, she'd have to go through hell to get him out. He wants to use her to finance him. If he's on the birth certificate and married to her, he'd have control over where she and the baby can go. There's no way this guy would be moving in with me. I don't know why OP is even letting this guy stay with her.
SPEAKER_02I feel like they are in the UK, but maybe not. I don't know why it made me I don't know why I was feeling that vibe, but He sounds like a terrible person.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. It sucks she had a baby with him.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well. It kinda happens when you sleep around. Could happen if you sleep around.
SPEAKER_06So since we're married, do I have a choice of whether or not to put your name on the birth certificate?
SPEAKER_02I don't know. I don't think you have a choice.
SPEAKER_06It just happens because we're married?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think so.
SPEAKER_04No, what happens if you were getting divorced?
SPEAKER_02What if you got divorced before you had the baby? Is that our dog? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04An odd sound.
SPEAKER_06Generally, yes. If you're married at the time of birth, the law in most places automatically presumes your husband is the legal father and his name is typically listed on the birth certificate without him needing to sign it.
SPEAKER_05Dang.
SPEAKER_04Dang dang dang.
SPEAKER_06This was a hard episode.
SPEAKER_02Why?
SPEAKER_06Um, because we recorded four minutes and then it my microphone wasn't working.
SPEAKER_02Oh.
SPEAKER_06And then halfway through, we did have some technical thing died, and now reading that story for some reason took all of the air out of my lungs, and now I'm tired. We don't got much room in those lungs. Reading that, I felt like I was suffocating.
SPEAKER_02There's not a lot of space in there. It's true.
SPEAKER_06Brandy wants us to get her friend Paula on the podcast to talk about child development.
SPEAKER_02Sure, come on down, Paula. Come on down.
SPEAKER_06It would be kind of fun to have her and Brandy.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah. Yeah. They could just steal the show for us too. We could just guide them. I love that. One day we'll have a guest.
SPEAKER_06He is another comment. He's staying the night. Assume he does for a reason, which is not the child he clearly could care less about. OP, I don't get why you didn't sue him for child support. Without any other means of income, you clearly need the money. Going to co court over it will get him added to the birth certificate, so he'll get 50% of what he demands. But the baby will keep your last name and you'll get child support. So I'd still count it as a win. Wait, what?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think like he can add to the birth certificate, because right now he doesn't have to pay child support because he's not on the birth certificate.
SPEAKER_06Right.
SPEAKER_02Pretty sure that's how that works. Or I guess do they have to be added to the birth certificate, or they just have to Sounds like what money?
SPEAKER_06He has a let's go after his money. He has no money. It's where he's trying to b take hers.
SPEAKER_02Well anything that he would make would be garnished if he didn't willingly pay it. Maybe that's just in the United States.
SPEAKER_04No say.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that wasn't a very good one. No. No, you're not the asshole. No, don't add him to the birth certificate.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he's a douchebag.
SPEAKER_06I'm surprised that thing's still alive and it hasn't died.
SPEAKER_02He doesn't deserve that. Oh, I have ASMR.
SPEAKER_06Don't do that. Okay, well, I have to be done because I'm dying.
SPEAKER_02Be done then. Take us away, cowgirl.
SPEAKER_06You take us away. Take us home. Take me away.
SPEAKER_02I think I just tried to sing for like four different songs.
SPEAKER_06What even was that?
SPEAKER_02I don't know. We're just gonna we're just gonna end on that note, guys. Any hoosier. Um you know the drill. Like it, subscribe it, and share with a friend. You forgot to give somebody a hug.
SPEAKER_06Bye.
SPEAKER_02Boys.