Dopamine & Detours

Publicly Processing Our Shame

Ashley and Jordan

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0:00 | 31:19

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This week we answer couples relationship questions, talk embarrassing moments we’ve had in front of each other, go through immigration test questions for your spouse, and react to a wild Reddit story about an absolute douchebag baby daddy.

SPEAKER_02

What's up, dogs?

SPEAKER_06

Hi.

SPEAKER_02

Welcome back to another episode of Dopamine and Detours. We're this week, we're a day late and a dollar short.

SPEAKER_06

How do you do that? You just came.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I did. Word, word came.

SPEAKER_06

That sounded bad.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_06

You went from staring at me dead in my face like saying that we're losers to that.

SPEAKER_02

Well, you people be slacking. We only have like minimal listeners out there. Step those numbers up. Slackers. But the people that I'm talking to are the only ones that are listening, so this little defeat defeats the purpose here.

SPEAKER_06

It does. Okay, I'm gonna play this and we're gonna answer these questions. Okay. Oh, this might be loud. Alright, ready?

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm. Can you and your spouse pass an immigration marriage interview? You'll be separated and be asked personal questions to see if they match. Get your spouse. The two of you should take this test together. Ring. Ring. Two. One. Question one. What color is your spouse's toothbrush?

SPEAKER_02

White. No. You have a light blue.

SPEAKER_06

Am I blue? And you're gray?

SPEAKER_02

I don't even know.

SPEAKER_06

Shit.

SPEAKER_02

I was blue at one point, but you just started stealing my toothbrush, so I think it you took it over.

SPEAKER_06

Not true.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

Not true.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So I just replace the head and rock with it.

unknown

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_06

Not starting off great.

SPEAKER_00

Question two. Which side of the bed did your spouse sleep on?

SPEAKER_02

The right side.

SPEAKER_06

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Question three. What did your spouse where the bed left?

SPEAKER_02

Uh the pajamas that don't fit. Question four. Cold game?

SPEAKER_01

Question five. Why? When was the last time the two of you went out to a restaurant? What was the restaurant and what'd you eat?

SPEAKER_02

Wait, pause it. I need time to think. What when was the last restaurant wool? Hmm, tacos? No.

SPEAKER_06

Tacos?

SPEAKER_02

It's the last restaurant we went to and sat down and ate?

SPEAKER_06

We had dinner with Snow at White Dog.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah, we did have dinner.

SPEAKER_06

What are you talking about? When we went to our secret Mexican restaurant and the walls almost fell down?

SPEAKER_02

No, when Riley was there.

SPEAKER_06

That was the same day.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, I thought it was a different day. Two. We only have two TVs. Dang, what the seven?

SPEAKER_01

How many locked on the front door of your home?

SPEAKER_02

Two? How come you're not answering? Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Question nine. What time did you stop being for working?

SPEAKER_02

How come you're not answering these questions?

SPEAKER_06

Because it's going so fast, it's just easier if it's just you.

SPEAKER_02

Mm-hmm. I got nothing. What did it just say? What time did you leave for work? I don't know. Probably like 11.

SPEAKER_06

Oh, I actually did leave for work at 11 yesterday.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I was out the door. What time did I leave?

SPEAKER_06

You leave at 5.46.

SPEAKER_02

That was wrong. I left at 5.30 the other day.

SPEAKER_06

Did you? It's usually like 5.45, 5.46.

SPEAKER_02

Sometimes I'm late.

SPEAKER_06

Anyways.

SPEAKER_00

Question 10. Name everything hanging on the walls in your bedroom.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, right. That sucks because it's- There's not enough sh fucking we don't have enough time on this podcast to name all the things on our wall in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_06

Brief summary.

SPEAKER_02

Records. Some finger paintings that you did.

SPEAKER_06

Um finger paintings.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

There's a paintbrush involved.

SPEAKER_02

Oh. Looks like fingers. Um.

SPEAKER_06

Savage.

SPEAKER_02

That might be it. You just changed it though.

SPEAKER_06

I know that was. Now there's a lot on our walls.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Vision board.

SPEAKER_00

Question 11. What is the color of your couch in your living room?

SPEAKER_02

Uh, like a blue-gray? Bush gray?

SPEAKER_00

What more of transportation does your spouse take to work and how long does it take? So how many did you get right?

SPEAKER_02

You drive a car.

SPEAKER_00

She drives a car.

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She drives a car. Toilet around four.

SPEAKER_06

How long does it take?

SPEAKER_02

Uh well, if you leave at 11, it probably takes you 45 minutes.

SPEAKER_06

Takes me 30 minutes to get to work.

SPEAKER_02

Oh.

SPEAKER_06

Good job you passed the immigration test.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I answered every single question. Right. Correctly. I have more. Oh, okay. I feel like Jeopardy.

SPEAKER_06

If you lost me in a grocery store, what aisle would you check first?

SPEAKER_02

Well, right now in this current moment. Yeah. Probably the cereal aisle. It'd be parked next to the Cocoa Pebbles.

SPEAKER_06

I did spend way too long in the cereal aisle just now because I wanted chocolate Cheerios.

SPEAKER_02

I'm surprised you didn't come home with some nasty chocolate cereal that wasn't good.

SPEAKER_06

You like cocoa pups?

SPEAKER_02

No, I don't like chocolate.

SPEAKER_06

Wait, what are those? Cocoa crispies? I don't like You don't like chocolate flavored things.

SPEAKER_02

I don't like chocolate flavored cereal.

SPEAKER_06

You like fruit like fruity pebbles?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I'd rather have fruity pebbles than cocoa pebbles.

unknown

Gross.

SPEAKER_06

If I lost you in the grocery store, what would you check first?

SPEAKER_02

Well, I wouldn't check because I would be the one that lost. So what would you check?

SPEAKER_06

That's what I'm asking myself. If I couldn't find you, it's probably because you were staring at the protein bars.

SPEAKER_02

That's probably fair.

SPEAKER_06

If I had a warning label.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Catch me in that juice on the other hand.

SPEAKER_06

If I had a warning label, what would it say?

SPEAKER_02

Caution.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, that was rude. What did you just think in your head?

SPEAKER_02

Caution. I was gonna say will attack. But then I was thinking like, hmm.

SPEAKER_04

Like, uh I don't know. What are the signs they have for the mean dogs?

SPEAKER_06

Beware of dogs.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, but like Beware of the pregnant wife.

SPEAKER_06

I'm only mean to you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. That's fair.

SPEAKER_06

Yours would say caution, we'll bore you with dumb golf facts and peptide information.

SPEAKER_02

That sounds exciting.

SPEAKER_06

What's the one thing you'd never let me be in charge of?

SPEAKER_02

Cooking the meats.

SPEAKER_06

Hmm, that was a good one. I don't want to be in charge of that.

SPEAKER_02

You don't be cooking meats, Doc.

SPEAKER_06

What is the one thing I would not let you be in charge of?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know. That's a great question.

SPEAKER_06

Deep cleaning.

SPEAKER_02

Pushesha. I just deep cleaned the bathroom. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_06

You didn't even take the trashes out.

SPEAKER_02

I scrubbed everything.

SPEAKER_06

You didn't even take the trashes out. They weren't full. We're gonna move on. What's my go-to excuse when I don't want to do something? My feet hurt. That is not fair. My feet are literally gigantic. You asked. I get upset. That's stupid, though.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, you want should we try something else? Um try it again, ask me again, and I'll think of non-pregnant version you. Thank you. Okay.

SPEAKER_06

What's my go-to excuse when I don't want to do something?

SPEAKER_02

I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_06

I don't really come up with excuses.

SPEAKER_02

Because I don't want to.

SPEAKER_06

I just say I don't want to. What's your go-to excuse? You're kind of the same. I just don't want to. Except we're different. I will tell the people, I just don't really want to go, not feeling it today. Can we try to reach out? Yes, you blame it on me.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, because you don't care.

SPEAKER_06

Or you'll come up with like an You you feel like you have to have an excuse to people. Like, oh, we can't, we're not gonna come because and this and this, where I'm like, we're just we just don't want to. We're gonna just not today. Thank you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I blame it on the phone.

SPEAKER_06

This is why you have friends and I don't.

SPEAKER_02

I blame it on you because it's easier that way. It's so messed up. But you usually you don't want to do things, so it's easy to be like That's not true. Well, the things I have to like pawn off on you. But like, oh yeah, she just she doesn't want to go golfing.

SPEAKER_06

When have I ever not wanted to go golfing?

SPEAKER_02

When it's cold.

SPEAKER_06

I don't get invited.

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Or real early in the morning.

SPEAKER_06

If our relationship was a weather pattern, what would it be right now?

SPEAKER_02

Right now, it'd probably be like outside. It's like nice and sunny on the surface, but it's a little windy out there. Things blowing around.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. I did just have a whole therapy session about you today.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I was supposed to probably do.

SPEAKER_06

If you had to describe me to a therapist, where would you start?

SPEAKER_02

She's mean. With her words. She gets mad at me for not reading her mind. That's what I would say.

SPEAKER_06

Soup's not true. I tell you the thing on my mind and then you don't do it.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I guess I would say she gets mad at me for not completing tasks on her timeline.

SPEAKER_06

Thank you. That feels fair and accurate.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, because it is.

SPEAKER_06

If I had to describe you through a therapist, where would you start? I say nice things about you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, because you say all the mean things to my face.

SPEAKER_06

Today I described you as very kind and thoughtful.

SPEAKER_02

Hmm. That's nice.

SPEAKER_06

And then followed it up with he's not very compassionate though. So if I called you from jail, what's your first guess for why I'm there?

SPEAKER_02

Not again. Sorry.

SPEAKER_06

We're gonna move on. Not again, is crazy to say. If you called me from jail, what's my first guess for why you're there? Honestly.

SPEAKER_02

Guess why I'm there? Is that what the question was?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, what's if I called you from jail, what's your first guess for why I'm there? I would think that it would be my cousin running his mouth and you getting involved unnecessarily and you both getting arrested.

SPEAKER_04

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe.

SPEAKER_06

That feels accurate.

SPEAKER_04

Could happen. Potentially.

SPEAKER_06

That was it. That was all of the seven.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Easy piece of cake.

SPEAKER_06

I could find more. What's the weirdest thing you find attractive about me?

SPEAKER_02

Probably that you're mean. Wow. No, this that you it's not really weird. I don't think there's any weird things. What do you do that's weird?

SPEAKER_06

What's the weirdest thing I find attractive about you? What's the weirdest thing I panic? I thought it was attractive the other day when you plugged in my foot massager. Acts of kindness? What's the weirdest thing?

SPEAKER_02

That's an odd question, because it's like if I thought it was weird, but I think it's attractive.

SPEAKER_06

Okay. If we were characters in a sitcom, what would our show be called?

SPEAKER_02

Hmm. Dopamine and Detours.

SPEAKER_06

There you go. What's your favorite thing I wear that I have no idea you love?

SPEAKER_02

Hmm. What's say it, say it, read it to me one more time.

SPEAKER_06

What's your favorite thing I wear that I have no idea you love?

SPEAKER_02

Hmm. I like when you wear your bucket hat.

SPEAKER_06

Hmm. I like when you wear your vans. Got my vans on, but they look like sneakers. If you had to describe me using only food, what would I be?

SPEAKER_02

Cafe Rio.

SPEAKER_04

Or a cheeseburger. That's where you would be.

SPEAKER_02

A cafe Rio salad burger.

SPEAKER_06

Mmm, gross. What would you be? Steak.

SPEAKER_02

Or tacos, probably.

SPEAKER_06

I was thinking some type of taco and a soda taco. What's the most embarrassing thing I've done in front of you? I think it just happened the other day.

SPEAKER_02

I was gonna say there's this thing that's coming to my mind right now that I don't know if you want me to put on the interwebs.

SPEAKER_06

Did it just happen the other day?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah, we almost died. As a collective family. There was a gas leak in our house.

SPEAKER_04

Reverberated off of my leg.

SPEAKER_06

That was so embarrassing.

SPEAKER_02

The messed up part is you got totally up out of your spot and literally came and sat on me and then got got all cozy and you ripped ass on my leg. And then it stunk. So that that's probably my answer.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, that's fair. That was embarrassing. I don't know. What's the most embarrassing thing you've done in front of me?

SPEAKER_02

Probably happened to me the other day too.

SPEAKER_06

You farted on me?

SPEAKER_02

No, I didn't fart. Remember you were outside? You were sitting on the patio and I came to join you.

SPEAKER_06

No, what happened? This is you got in bear story.

SPEAKER_03

I sound like a teapot right now. You have to say it because I can't.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's pretty embarrassing. Uh Ash was on the back patio chilling in the sunshine, and I I was inside and the dogs were outside, and everyone was just chilling, and I was swiftly walking to the outside. Sorry guys, our batteries died. Anyways, like I was saying, I was swiftly walking to the outside, and we have one of those uh on our sliding glass door where the screen door would be. We have one of those like magnetic like screen doors. I don't know if you've seen them, but they like open up. Well, I thought that that was just what was there, and I ran face first into the sliding glass door.

SPEAKER_03

It was so funny for me.

SPEAKER_02

Like legit boom. Well, I'm pretty sure my forehead is still smudged on the glass.

SPEAKER_06

It is. That was the funniest thing that's ever happened.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that that got me good.

SPEAKER_06

That was funny.

SPEAKER_02

Rang my bell a bit, a wee bit.

SPEAKER_06

Is it still going?

SPEAKER_02

It's still going.

SPEAKER_06

Alright.

SPEAKER_02

Our batteries might die again. Sorry. Beware. Is that was that all the questions?

SPEAKER_06

Oh. Yeah. No, but while we were having technical difficulties, I left. Um, let's see, let's see, let's see. Do-do-do.

SPEAKER_02

What do you have now? You left and went nowhere? Or did you pull up your Reddit? When you don't, what do you got?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, I was gonna pull up some Reddit. And then we were done.

SPEAKER_02

Well let's do the thing.

SPEAKER_06

Okay, I have options.

SPEAKER_02

What are your options?

SPEAKER_06

Sorry, hold on. If it says it's an update, oof no. Okay. Boyfriend's mom wants to be at the hospital when I give birth, but I don't know how to tell her no. My sister has been saying she and her husband oh, we already read that one.

SPEAKER_02

So you don't have options.

SPEAKER_06

I do. I might break up my engagement because my fiance doesn't eat my food. Wait, did we read that one?

SPEAKER_04

Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_06

Am I the asshole for not adding my baby's father to the birth certificate or giving the baby his surname?

SPEAKER_02

Ooh, that could be juicy.

SPEAKER_04

Do you want to do that one? True.

SPEAKER_02

Was he like active father, showed up, was there, everything? Because if so, that's hacked up.

SPEAKER_06

I'm 2024.

SPEAKER_02

He's 2024? Female?

SPEAKER_06

It says I'm 2024.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you are.

SPEAKER_06

Hmm. Okay, that's confusing. I, 35 female, visited my home country after living abroad for several several years. While I was back, I met a guy on Hinge. He's 38 male. We headed off straight away and ended up talking every day for months, even after I returned to the country where I was working. On a second visit home, I fell pregnant. Around that time I had slept with H that's him, that's what she's calling him, and one other person. So there were genuine doubts about paternity. H was honest that he didn't want to commit his relationship. He said he enjoyed sleeping around, and I was also going back abroad, so things were complicated from the start. After the 12-week mark, we were still speaking daily, and I told him about the pregnancy and the uncertainty. I came back again for the holidays and we actually had a really nice time together. Bonding over my bump, it felt hopeful. But when I went back abroad, I found out he was still actively dating other people. That hurt a lot, especially because I had lent him money, which was never repaid, and he was effectively using that money to take other women on dates. To be fair him to be fair to him, he never promised exclusivity, but I thought given the situation, he might change his mind. At the time, I blamed myself a bit, thinking the paternity doubts might have pushed him away. Eventually I moved back home permanently, had the baby, and moved into the house with a relative. The baby is 100% H's, no doubt now. Probably look just like him. H was present at the hospital, but honestly he wasn't very supportive. I had an emergency C section and he complained quite a bit about his own discomfort. So eventually he went home to rest. The first night I was alone, terrified, sitting upright with a newborn who sounded like he was struggling to breathe. I was too scared to lie down and physically couldn't move properly. It was a rough start. Now, a year later, H lives about five miles away. There's a train station near both of us and it's about fifteen to twenty minute walk on my end. He works part-time, but despite that, he only sees the baby anywhere from once a week to once a month. His main reason is that he quote can't handle the commute. When he does come over, he'll stay one to three nights. He is kind to the baby, patient, and generally generally helpful around the house. But he gets tired quickly, becomes irritable, and then leaves. Even if he doesn't have work. That used to really upset me, but over time I've just gotten used to it. Financially he contributes nothing. I currently can't work because I have no childcare, so I'm relying on savings, benefits, and help from friends and family. I can't breathe.

SPEAKER_02

She definitely doesn't live in the US, tell you that.

SPEAKER_06

H says he doesn't have much money, but he still smokes and spends money on g on money on games he plays. I get people that people are allowed to have their own spending, but it's hard not to notice he has some disposable income, yet none of it goes towards his child. When I registered the birth, H wasn't there, so I registered the baby with just me, my chosen first name and my surname. Since then, H has repeatedly asked to be added to the birth certificate and wants the baby to have his surname. I've said no. Part of it is practical. I don't see us being together long term, and I may want to move abroad again. I don't want someone who is minimally involved to have legal control over decisions like that. Part of it is emotional. I feel like I've done the vast majority of the work. Pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, financial responsibility, and it doesn't sit right with me that he can just step in, put his name on everything, and leave. There's also smaller things like not loving his surname in English, but that's not the main issue. He says I'm being unfair, and that he has a right to be recognized as a father. I'm torn because biologically he is a dad, but in reality, his involvement has been inconsistent. But on the other hand, he's tried to show commitment on paper. He casually said one day in the bathroom that we should get married now, and was upset when I turned him down. I don't think I want to marry anyone, and definitely don't think we should be doing it just because we have a baby together. Recently he's got behind on rent, so is also trying to move in with me. I've said absolutely not because he cannot handle staying here for a few days, let alone more permanent situation. I think without a solid foundation, living together will just be strained. And I just feel like he says the right things, but doesn't step up to support any of us in any real substantial way. Am I the asshole?

SPEAKER_02

Nah, fuck that guy.

SPEAKER_06

That's hard to read.

SPEAKER_02

Fuck that guy. The thing about it is it it sounds like maybe he's trying a little bit now. Too little too late, pal. Too little too late. You weren't there. You weren't you didn't help her when she came out of the hospital.

SPEAKER_06

Sorry. That was made me tired reading that for some reason.

SPEAKER_02

None of that is good. None of that is good. This guy's a real piece of work.

SPEAKER_06

Well, I'm wondering why he even wants that anyways. And why does he suddenly now want to get married?

SPEAKER_02

Probably because he doesn't have any money.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, he wants to marry her so he has somewhere to live.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Also, she don't have a job, so. Where are they getting that money?

SPEAKER_06

Sounds like she had a good savings.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And doesn't live in America. Yeah, what a real piece of work that guy is. That's all I gotta say about that.

SPEAKER_06

Top comment. He's a hobosexual.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. That's kind of funny.

SPEAKER_06

Another top comment. I don't know the laws in OP's country, but in the UK, if H moves in with OP, she'd have to go through hell to get him out. He wants to use her to finance him. If he's on the birth certificate and married to her, he'd have control over where she and the baby can go. There's no way this guy would be moving in with me. I don't know why OP is even letting this guy stay with her.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like they are in the UK, but maybe not. I don't know why it made me I don't know why I was feeling that vibe, but He sounds like a terrible person.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. It sucks she had a baby with him.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, well. It kinda happens when you sleep around. Could happen if you sleep around.

SPEAKER_06

So since we're married, do I have a choice of whether or not to put your name on the birth certificate?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know. I don't think you have a choice.

SPEAKER_06

It just happens because we're married?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_04

No, what happens if you were getting divorced?

SPEAKER_02

What if you got divorced before you had the baby? Is that our dog? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

An odd sound.

SPEAKER_06

Generally, yes. If you're married at the time of birth, the law in most places automatically presumes your husband is the legal father and his name is typically listed on the birth certificate without him needing to sign it.

SPEAKER_05

Dang.

SPEAKER_04

Dang dang dang.

SPEAKER_06

This was a hard episode.

SPEAKER_02

Why?

SPEAKER_06

Um, because we recorded four minutes and then it my microphone wasn't working.

SPEAKER_02

Oh.

SPEAKER_06

And then halfway through, we did have some technical thing died, and now reading that story for some reason took all of the air out of my lungs, and now I'm tired. We don't got much room in those lungs. Reading that, I felt like I was suffocating.

SPEAKER_02

There's not a lot of space in there. It's true.

SPEAKER_06

Brandy wants us to get her friend Paula on the podcast to talk about child development.

SPEAKER_02

Sure, come on down, Paula. Come on down.

SPEAKER_06

It would be kind of fun to have her and Brandy.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They could just steal the show for us too. We could just guide them. I love that. One day we'll have a guest.

SPEAKER_06

He is another comment. He's staying the night. Assume he does for a reason, which is not the child he clearly could care less about. OP, I don't get why you didn't sue him for child support. Without any other means of income, you clearly need the money. Going to co court over it will get him added to the birth certificate, so he'll get 50% of what he demands. But the baby will keep your last name and you'll get child support. So I'd still count it as a win. Wait, what?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think like he can add to the birth certificate, because right now he doesn't have to pay child support because he's not on the birth certificate.

SPEAKER_06

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Pretty sure that's how that works. Or I guess do they have to be added to the birth certificate, or they just have to Sounds like what money?

SPEAKER_06

He has a let's go after his money. He has no money. It's where he's trying to b take hers.

SPEAKER_02

Well anything that he would make would be garnished if he didn't willingly pay it. Maybe that's just in the United States.

SPEAKER_04

No say.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, that wasn't a very good one. No. No, you're not the asshole. No, don't add him to the birth certificate.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, he's a douchebag.

SPEAKER_06

I'm surprised that thing's still alive and it hasn't died.

SPEAKER_02

He doesn't deserve that. Oh, I have ASMR.

SPEAKER_06

Don't do that. Okay, well, I have to be done because I'm dying.

SPEAKER_02

Be done then. Take us away, cowgirl.

SPEAKER_06

You take us away. Take us home. Take me away.

SPEAKER_02

I think I just tried to sing for like four different songs.

SPEAKER_06

What even was that?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know. We're just gonna we're just gonna end on that note, guys. Any hoosier. Um you know the drill. Like it, subscribe it, and share with a friend. You forgot to give somebody a hug.

SPEAKER_06

Bye.

SPEAKER_02

Boys.