In Which Our Hero Stays Up Way Past His Bedtime

Almost-twelve-year-old normal boy Ness finds himself in an anything-but-normal situation when a meteor crash-lands in his sleepy small town of Onett. Wandering out of the house at night to investigate while only in his jams, and armed with only a cracked wooden baseball bat, his trusty dog King, and his irritating next-door-neighbor Minch, Ness discovers he has an important part to play in an huge intergalactic conflict, and by the end of the episode makes not one, but two deadly enemies! Will Ness get to the bottom of the mysterious hunk of space rock? Will he survive the fearsome alien attack? Will he make it back to his bedroom before his mom catches him in the act? 

Find out on the very first episode of…. The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

It's The Podcast Against Giygas!

Garrett McMahon 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Giygas. Episode One, in which our hero stays up way past his bedtime. The year is 199 X. Onett, a small town in Eagle Land.

Garrett McMahon 0:39

The houses lining the street lied still and snug together in the night like dozens of eggs resting in their cartons. Not a single light peeked out of their windows, and not a single peep could be heard over the summer cicadas. Like the rest of the small town of Onett, Ness Elliot, a boy eleven years and 364 days old, was fast asleep. His bed next to the slightly open window in his room that overlooked the backyard and hills surrounding the town. His golden retriever, King, slept at the foot of his bed with him. Ness had spent his entire life so far, since that first moment, 11 years and 364 days ago, growing up in the small town of Onett.

Garrett McMahon 1:19

In many ways, he was like most boys in Onett. He loved summer most of all, which is what he was right smack in the middle of now. He loved baseball, playing it with his friends and then lazing the rest of the day in their tree house, or playing one-on-one with his dad, at least before the big promotion and the temporary move to Tokyo. He loved water of all kinds, either dipping into the lake a mile past the valley behind Onett and sunburning on the sand the rest of the day, or getting splashed by King when he and his mom gave him a bath, or even the feeling of a nice mud puddle squelching under his feet. The kind of good muddy spot that gets you grounded for a week for even thinking about walking back into the house. He loves staying up watching spooky movies, zombies breaking into your house, grasping for your brains, aliens beaming down in saucers poised to conquer Earth, or playing video games with his friends, where the hero leaps and bounds through level after level of death-inducing obstacles and bottomless pits, or squares off against foe after foe, barbarians, sorcerers, ninjas, whittling down each and every one of their energy bars to zero with his powerful fists. All of those things, to Ness, were "rockin!"

Garrett McMahon 2:26

Though he loved being a spectator to excitements such as these, it should be noted that there was nothing in Ness that allowed for real-life daring do. Every chance he got to bend or break the rules, whenever his friends goaded him to go on an exciting excursion to a spooky place cordoned off with do not enter signs, or jump off a slightly higher cliff than usual into the safety of the lake, Ness would always refuse. The fear of consequences stopped Ness from joining in any activity that could get him into trouble, at home, at school, anywhere really. Though he enjoyed watching heroes be heroic, Ness preferred not to answer the call to heroism in his own life.

Garrett McMahon 3:04

Still, all this was no reason to ruin a perfectly good summer. The best thing about summer was, on top of trips to the lake in the morning, and all the hot dogs and soda he wanted all day, and fireworks and sleepovers at night, his birthday was to come. All that and school was a million years away. Such was a night like this. Even with the anxious foreknowledge of his next birthday only one more sleep away, Ness and his dog alike were in a deep slumber, one that almost nothing could disturb. Not even a zombie attack, he thought in his dreams. Not even a spooky alien invasion.

Garrett McMahon 3:37

Well, to be fair to his dreams, the thing that did disturb his birthday's sleep was neither a zombie attack nor a spooky alien invasion. At least not just yet.

Garrett McMahon 4:20

Seconds later, every single light and every single house in Onett lit up like the skyline of a much bigger city. Ness snapped awake and flung the window open to see. Straining his eyes in the dark, he could see a plume of smoke up on the hill ahead. From behind him, Ness heard King whimpering. He turned around and saw him huddled in a corner, shaking, terrified of the big blast. Ness instantly forgot about the sight out the window, went to his dear friend, and gave him a big hug, stroking the fur on his head.

Garrett McMahon 4:50

Oh no. It's okay, boy. Don't be scared. Whatever's out there, it's got nothing to do with us.

Ness's Friend, Minch

Garrett McMahon 4:59

Not long after the blasts, the house was disturbed by another loud bang, this time coming from the door. It was someone's idea of a knock at the door, if it sounded in fact more like a drum roll, followed by shave and a haircut two bits somehow still off the beat. Ness sighed and hurried to the door, realizing he all but recognized a knock like that. He opened the front door, came beside him, and found himself not at all surprised.

Garrett McMahon 5:24

There was his next door neighbor, Minch, the mayor's oldest boy, and by all accounts Ness's very good friend. At least if an adult were to ask him if he was so. The frantic run next door took a lot out of Minch, who, so his parents always told him, was rather big boned. His overalls came undone on one strap from the run, and his beat up red sneakers looked somehow even more worn out than usual. He wheezed his breath back in, flipping the tufts of his poorly cut blonde bowl cut back, which was always getting into his eyes.

Garrett McMahon 5:56

Minch, are you crazy? You're gonna wake up my mom.

Garrett McMahon 6:00

Ness, I saw it! I saw it come right out of the sky. Come on, let me in.

Garrett McMahon 6:05

Three years ago, the fathers of Ness and his friends all banded together and helped build their beloved tree house. Minch likewise went to his father, who then went to the other fathers to express his deepest congratulations, and also his deepest hope and wish that his dear oldest son would be included in the treehouse activities along with the other boys. With that same alacrity he exhibited three years ago, Minch invited himself into Ness's house.

Garrett McMahon 6:30

Did you see it? Did you see the meteor crash?

Garrett McMahon 6:33

No, I was uh... sleeping when it happened.

Garrett McMahon 6:38

Oh, well, my parents let me stay up as long as I want. That must have been why. Come on, we have to go check it out.

Garrett McMahon 6:46

No thanks. You go ahead. I'm going back to bed.

Garrett McMahon 6:49

Ness turned around and headed back toward the stairs, when Minch stopped him with a hand to his shoulder.

Garrett McMahon 6:54

Wait, I can't go by myself.

Garrett McMahon 6:57

Then take your brother with you. Or do your parents not let him stay up too?

Garrett McMahon 7:02

Minch hesitated, and for just a moment Ness noticed a hint of real fear quiver out of his voice, which he promptly shoved back down.

Garrett McMahon 7:10

That's uh well that's just it. He went out of the house to find it before me, and now he's lost. If my dad finds out we snuck outside, he'll kill us. Or worse, dock our allowance.

Garrett McMahon 7:24

Ness knew Minch long enough to know that no protests, no words of common sense of any kind were enough to puncture even the worst of his ideas once he puffed himself up with one. And the other unfortunate thing about Ness was, as much as he never dared to do anything that risked danger, or that risked not angry, just disappointed from his parents, neither did he have the backbone to go against one of his troublemaking friends, should they dare him the trouble first. The next thing he knew, he agreed to help Minch on his quest, shaking on it with a loogie hocked into the palm of his chubby hand. He gave Ness barely enough time to put on his slippers, whistle King to his side, and grab his lucky baseball bat, which, since his dad first got it for him before the new job in Tokyo, had seen its share of home runs and foul balls alike and was rather cracked.

Garrett McMahon 8:11

What do we need my bat for anyway?

Garrett McMahon 8:14

For protection. You know, in case we weren't at any hobos along the way. They get t o stay up late too, you know.

Garrett McMahon 8:22

On top of it being dangerous, on top of the fact that both of their parents would ground them forever if they got caught, and on top of Minch being the last person he wanted to do this for at three in the morning, Ness was going to be outside in public, wearing his jams. Minch dragged Ness out of the house and away they ran toward the valley behind their houses. They stopped at the first police roadblock, where about fifty people were politely mobbed and badgering the officers with questions they neither could nor were allowed to answer. Move along, nothing to see here. Move along, nothing to see here. No fare, said one of the townspeople. Nothing interesting happens in this town, and when it does, the police are always setting up roadblocks in front of it. That's right, said an officer. This town's known for its roadblocks. In fact, we're trying to set the world record for most roadblocks set up in a year. Move along, nothing to see here. Ness was at once defeated by the heavy police presence, hopeful that such a police presence would promptly end the fool's error and Minch quite literally dragged him into, and relieved that apparently he was not the only one outside in his sleepwear.

Garrett McMahon 9:28

Oh nuts! The police are gonna block off every way up to the valley. We'll never get to him now, and that's even if he's still there.

Garrett McMahon 9:37

Ha! the police serve the mayor of Onett. And who is the mayor of Onett?

Garrett McMahon 9:43

Ness answered in the most here we go again voice he could possibly muster.

Garrett McMahon 9:48

Your dad...

Garrett McMahon 9:50

Ness's feet moved by themselves when they followed Minch up to the roadblock, he puffing his chest up to the first available officer.

Garrett McMahon 9:57

Move along, nothing to... Minch, what do you... shouldn't you be in bed? Your father must be worried sick.

Garrett McMahon 10:03

My father wants me to personally inspect the crash site for hazards. A public service, if you will.

Garrett McMahon 10:10

Be that as it may, we have to keep all civilians away from the site to ensure their safety. Even you Po...

Garrett McMahon 10:17

Every officer at the roadblock went silent and shot a tense look at their colleague. The officer stammered and sputtered as he met a sudden furious gaze from the boy.

Garrett McMahon 10:27

What were you going to say?

Garrett McMahon 10:31

Um nothing. I I...

Garrett McMahon 10:34

you sure?

Garrett McMahon 10:36

Um Yeah, positive.

Garrett McMahon 10:39

You weren't going to call me something? Something that started with a P maybe had an O in it somewhere?

Garrett McMahon 10:48

No, of course not. Um Tell you what, why don't we give you an escort, just so we're extra careful? We don't want the mayor's boy and his friend getting hurt now, do we?

Garrett McMahon 10:59

That will do. Thank you, officer.

Garrett McMahon 11:02

The unfortunate officer turned his back to the boys, relieved that he smoothed over that close call for himself, and called out to the others on his team.

Garrett McMahon 11:10

Hey Sanderson, why don't you go on up to the crash site and bring Minch's boy along with you? He's right...

A Time Traveler and an Alien Attack

Garrett McMahon 11:16

but when the officer turned his back, Minch's boy and his friend were gone. The way boys do disappear when an adult turns their back for even a second.

Garrett McMahon 12:09

Ness, Minch, and King by his human side ran as fast as their legs and adrenaline could take them. Even Minch putting a little more pep in his step than usual when it came to running away from the cops. When the coast was clear, they headed up to the right side of the valley toward the plume of smoke and dull light that led them toward the fallen meteor. Just like out of a sci-fi movie, the black jagged rock stuck out of a newly formed crater in the ground. Ness took a moment alongside Minch to admire this new and novel thing to happen to their sleepy town, before he broke away from his companion to scan the area.

Garrett McMahon 12:46

Hmm, I don't see him anywhere.

Garrett McMahon 12:50

When he eventually noticed, not Minch's brother anywhere, but rather the fact that Minch seemed no longer that concerned about finding him either, and instead transfixed on the awesome glowing hunk of space rock, a thought occurred to Ness that made him kick himself for not thinking of it earlier.

Garrett McMahon 13:07

Say, the meteor had only fallen like a minute or two before you came to my door. How did your brother get lost out here so fast if...

Garrett McMahon 13:18

Minch snapped out of his reverie and looked to Ness, stammering and dissembling while still keeping an eye on the rock.

Garrett McMahon 13:24

Um yeah, about that. My brother isn't out here. He never was.

Garrett McMahon 13:30

What? Minch, you jerk!

Garrett McMahon 13:33

Look, I'm sorry, I lied to you, and that was maybe wrong of me, but I had to see it for myself. I just had to. And I wasn't kidding before. We really needed your bat. My dad got me a really nice one made of solid titanium, but it hasn't come in the mail yet.

Garrett McMahon 13:47

A sudden pulsing of the yellow light from the meteor broke Minch's concentration away from even kind of trying to placate Ness. Even Ness couldn't help but glance at the thing, mad as he was at his sometime friend. It was then that he saw something. Even in the dark, he could have sworn something come out of the rock. Fly out even. Was it a bug or a...?

Garrett McMahon 14:08

Yes. I'll have my dad set up an excavation team. Should be no problem there.

Garrett McMahon 14:13

Hey, do you hear that? Sounds like a bee or something.

Garrett McMahon 14:17

Shh, not now, I'm thinking. It's gotta get into my room after that. I wonder if it can fit through my door. I've been meaning to have sliding automatic doors installed anyway.

Garrett McMahon 14:28

It was! The biggest bug Ness had ever seen in his life flew right up to his face and hovered, with a humming buzz right over his nose.

Garrett McMahon 14:37

A bee, I am not.

Garrett McMahon 14:41

The buzzing thing spoke to Ness with a deep hum and an otherworldly echo. The sound itself seemed to stay completely within his own head. It sounded nice, actually.

Garrett McMahon 14:51

And then we might as well build an addition to my room since we got the contractors in there already. I'm sure we can just put the unground pool somewhere else in the house.

Garrett McMahon 14:59

I have traveled ten years from the future with a dire warning. Giygas, the Destroyer of Worlds, has laid all to waste.

Garrett McMahon 15:10

Huh?

Garrett McMahon 15:11

The pool ness. I mean, I really don't want it so far away from my room. I prefer not to walk through the house so far and only my trunks, so no reason I can't have both, I guess. We'll just need two extra rooms added to the house.

Garrett McMahon 15:24

But hope yet remains. An ancient legend tells of three boys and a girl who defeat Guidus. I believe that you, Ness Elliot of Earth, are one of these chosen four.

Garrett McMahon 15:38

What?

Garrett McMahon 15:39

Four... No, just two should be fine. We don't have to go overboard. Or maybe maybe we could just get the other neighbors to move out and we can buy that house. I'm sure the HOA can drum up something. It just can't be helped. There's no room anywhere else. I

Garrett McMahon 15:54

t appears Gygas has sent his plan in motion at this point in time, and if you set out to contract him at once, you may yet be able to stop him.

Garrett McMahon 16:05

Minch, are you hearing this? Ness, please! I told you I'm trying to think... GAH! what is that?

Garrett McMahon 16:14

Terror overtook Minch as he pointed at Ness, flinging his right index finger at him again and again, sputtering out feeble attempts at more words. Even King began to bark with a fury unlike him.

Garrett McMahon 16:24

I, I keep trying to tell you it's this bee. Well well I guess he said he's not one, but... GAH! what is that?

Garrett McMahon 16:32

Ness finally turned around and saw an alien creature looming over the boys. It looked like a spaceman in a spacesuit, but as if the spacesuit was an organic entity in itself. Its suit shined a liquid silvery sheen, its arms and legs slithered like viscous tentacles toward the boys, and its spacesuit helmet head, despite there being no other features beside a translucent black visor, gave them a look that in no uncertain terms said, I am the predator, and you are my prey. The same way the not -bee spoke to Ness, the spacesuit aliens spoke to them all, localized directly into their heads. But while the former's voice was pleasant, the other was anything but that. Shrill, tinny, electric, nails on slate. It sounded like a bad radio signal, and though the voice was clear to comprehend, it created the same feeling of frustration of trying to make out something hopelessly garbled.

Garrett McMahon 17:27

What a fool you are to think you could stop the great destroyer, or to even escape his grasp by traveling through time.

Garrett McMahon 17:37

You're doomed to fail, and your master with you. The apple of enlightenment foretells it.

Garrett McMahon 17:43

What's it saying?

Garrett McMahon 17:45

I don't know..

Garrett McMahon 17:45

Giygas fears not the apple. He will annihilate this planet just as easily as he did. Your own world.

Garrett McMahon 17:55

Minch cowered behind Ness, practically shoving him toward the freakish thing, while King barked and growled by his side. Ness froze in place, his back quivering in his hands, and did his best to stifle tears while he waited for the inevitable. The thing slithered closer and closer, and Ness was riveted to the ground. Something in him, because it wasn't his brain, finally lifted the bat in the air, ready to swing.

Garrett McMahon 18:19

The alien swung his arm in kind, knocking Ness out of his way. He fell to the ground on his back with a grunt, and when he rose to his feet he was amazed to find himself not hurt. Not even the wind knocked out of him, but for all that his cracked bat was now a jagged stump of wood in his hand.

Garrett McMahon 18:35

The alien's head glowed yellow, and a laser shot out of the clear black visor with a bang. Ness shielded himself with his hands, and was seconds later stunned to see that the shielding hands actually worked. Well, not really. There was some kind of force field around him, deflecting that laser, and many more lightning quick blasts from the spaceman's head.

Garrett McMahon 18:55

Holy cow! How did you do that?

Garrett McMahon 18:58

I, I don't know... I...

Garrett McMahon 19:00

it took Ness a moment longer to realize that he wasn't doing it at all. His new small friend had summoned the force field, and with every frightening blast out of the alien's head, he deflected it from Ness with equally lightning quick precision, as if he could already tell beforehand where the laser was going to go. As if he was a real fly.

Garrett McMahon 19:20

But the alien being could take as much punishment as it could dish out. The buzzing alien friend fired just as many haymaker blasts of laser force at the enemy, who brushed them off with force fields of his own and kind. A fierce battle raged for the span of a minute or so, where Minch watched his friend alternately cower behind a strange force field and yet somehow also fire wave after wave of concussive fusillades of alien power, wearing down the enemy's defenses bit by bit.

Garrett McMahon 19:48

Within his own mind, Ness heard the tiny alien shout. If a bird song or maybe a wind chime could give a war cry of utter desperation and fury, that was it. With all its Power, he shot a gigantic blast of energy at the freakish alien thing. A second later, the light cleared, and the ringing in the ears stopped for Ness and Minch, and they found, instead of the horrible alien thing, a set of two viscous alien legs supporting a smoky torso.

Garrett McMahon 20:17

That was too close. He's on to me, sending his minions to kill me before I got to you. And I'm lucky I did. The strain of traveling to this year must have affected my powers along with my size. There's not much time left.

Garrett McMahon 20:31

Without letting Minch say anything else about the terrifying occurrence or the logistics of his new meteor alike, Ness ran away from the sight, came beside him, and Minch huffed and waddled close behind him. There was nothing left in him save the desire to go home. Maybe he'd get in trouble for going out at night, but at least his mom could figure out all this weird spooky stuff, if not make it all go away. Everything would be okay once he got home.

The Soundstone, and "Porky" Minch

Garrett McMahon 21:24

Ness's feet brought him home after all, not to mention after covering an impressive distance to the valley and back all in his bedroom slippers. For whatever reason, rather than immediately under the house, Ness hung back and took in some deep breaths with Minch.

Garrett McMahon 21:39

Oh man, this is bad. What do we do? What do we?

Garrett McMahon 21:43

With both hands, Minch grasped Ness's arms and dragged him toward the Elliott residence.

Garrett McMahon 21:48

Ow! What gives? Hey, knock it off.

Garrett McMahon 21:52

Sorry, Ness. Nothing personal. I'm out of the house at three in the morning and I need an alibi.

Garrett McMahon 21:58

Minch brought Ness, struggling against his grip to the front door, and, not before clearing his throat as if to give a sophisticated speech, rang the doorbell. Ness's heart sank to his ankles as he heard the bell chime through the house. He looked on in horror, unable to move, as Minch rang the doorbell a couple more times. The lock and deadbolt came off from behind the door. It was happening. The door creaked open, and any moment now his mom would be standing there, robe and slippers, hair musked, first with a gasp of astonishment, followed by pursed lips, folded arms, and a tapping foot. Ness clenched his eyes shut and gritted his teeth. Any moment now, here it comes...

Garrett McMahon 22:40

Ness, Minch, what on earth are you doing out here?

Garrett McMahon 22:44

He opened his eyes and saw his mother less angry and more bewildered at the sight of Minch grasping her son by the arm and his sudden fawning demeanor.

Garrett McMahon 22:53

Hello, missus Elliot, ma'am. Good to see you as always. I just wanted to let you know that Ness went outside by himself in the middle of the night. Looks like uh someone wanted to see the big meteor before anyone else. Imagine that.

Garrett McMahon 23:10

He was, huh?

Garrett McMahon 23:12

No, mom, it's a lie. I was...

Garrett McMahon 23:14

Minch slapped a hand to his mouth, shutting him up.

Garrett McMahon 23:18

I just wanted to do my due diligence as an upstanding citizen of Onett and as your neighbor, and make sure he got home safe and sound. You know, if anything horrible were to happen to him out there, I just I just don't think I could have ever forgiven myself.

Garrett McMahon 23:35

Denying Minch the chance to say anything more, Ness's mom sighed and placed a single index finger on her son's forehead. An awkward moment passed, Ness looking at the finger with cross eyes, before she took her hand off and let them inside.

Garrett McMahon 23:48

Come on in, I'll make you boys some hot cocoa before you go back to bed. Shoes off in the house, Minch.

Garrett McMahon 23:55

As the boys let themselves in, Minch whispered to Ness while his mother ambled toward the kitchen.

Garrett McMahon 24:00

Why does your mom always do that when you're in trouble?

Garrett McMahon 24:03

I don't know.

Garrett McMahon 24:05

Ness felt like a sticky band-aid had finally been peeled off, free for the most part from Minch, and figuring it a good sign that his mom at the very least hadn't gone postal. Abandoning Minch to the living room, he followed his mom into the kitchen, who already had water on the kettle and was scooping cocoa into two mugs.

Garrett McMahon 24:24

Mom, I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I swear I didn't. You gotta believe me. You believe me, don't you?

Garrett McMahon 24:31

She turned to her son and smiled.

Garrett McMahon 24:33

I believe in you, buddy. Though maybe next time you might want to change out of your jams first, huh?

Garrett McMahon 24:40

She looked over Ness, whose pajamas were muddy on the pant cuffs, and his slipper bore a new hole for his big toe to wiggle around in. They were interrupted by a loud bang at the door, followed by the kitchen gently shaking from someone's gate in the room beside them. Someone, it should be said, also big boned, which meant only one thing. The rest of the Minches invited themselves over. Ness and his mom both looked to each other with a shared and silent oh boy.

Garrett McMahon 25:08

While his mom hung back and kept working on the cocoa, Ness traipsed into the living room, Minch already waiting for him, to see Mom and Dad Minch, the very same illustrious mayor of one at himself, B. H. Perkle Minch, and of course his lovely wife Lardna, mid-waddle from the slammed front door on the way to plopping themselves onto choice sofa and armchair real estate. Mr Minch was dragging along another boy by the hand, about nine years old or so, and also in his pajamas, even more sleepy than the other boys. Minch's mother, fully dressed like her husband and in full vibrant makeup that suggested the plumage of a tropical bird, snapped at her older son in a way that sounded like she was yelling at him and Ness both.

Garrett McMahon 25:50

There you are! Where on earth were you, young man? Do you have any idea how late it is?

Garrett McMahon 25:56

There's a very simple explanation, ma. Ness went outside to see the falling meteor, and I went out to bring him back home safely. He was lucky, too. It almost landed right on top of him, but I rescued him just in time.

Garrett McMahon 26:09

To Ness's dismay, he realized that someone else followed the Minches and let themselves in. Yes, it was the talking bug from the meteor, now buzzing around the living room. So it was all real. It wasn't some kind of sleep-deprived hallucination.

Garrett McMahon 26:25

There you are. You ran off so fast I almost lost track of you. There's more I have to tell you, young Ness of Earth. Listen, in ten years' time, Giygas will destroy this entire planet.

Garrett McMahon 26:38

Mr. Minch, that isn't true. I swear I was just wait, he'll do what?

Garrett McMahon 26:43

Hmm. That was very dangerous and reckless of you, boy. We'll have to give Junior a hundred spankings for it.

Garrett McMahon 26:50

The younger boy snapped awake.

Garrett McMahon 26:52

What? Why me? I was sleeping the whole time.

Garrett McMahon 26:56

You should have been up to stop your brother. Who knows what trouble he could have gotten into out there otherwise? Why, he could have ran into a hobo.

Garrett McMahon 27:04

He will send his minions to time, as you just saw, and he will also infect the minds of innocent people with evil thoughts.

Garrett McMahon 27:13

Ness, young man, might you be so good as to point where in your house you keep the spanking room?

Garrett McMahon 27:20

Uh, I don't think we have one of those, Mr. Minch, sir.

Garrett McMahon 27:24

Not surprising, considering the salary your father must be pulling. Oh well, nothing doing. Tomorrow, then.

Garrett McMahon 27:30

Having seen to the elder boy's safety and the younger boy's imminent punishment, the Minches had now only to make themselves comfortable. As proportionately large as their oldest son, the weight of Mr and Mrs. Minch's seating emitted a groan from the seats themselves that made Ness cringe. While the mom ran her finger along perceived dusty areas of the furniture adjacent to her, the dad took out his wallet and began counting huge wads of bills.

Garrett McMahon 27:56

Sheesh, this wallet is so uncomfortable to sit on. Always so full of money.

Garrett McMahon 28:02

On your journey, Ness, three things will be of the utmost importance wisdom, courage, and friendship. Remember always the words of the Apple of Enlightenment.

Garrett McMahon 28:14

Dad, can we have the meteor put into my room?

Garrett McMahon 28:17

Of course, of course. Only the best for my boy. Ugh, and so hard to fold, too.

Garrett McMahon 28:24

Let the chosen boy sing the song of the four points. The passing of time will shatter the nightmare rock and reveal the path of light.

Garrett McMahon 28:34

A meteor? Now? Darling, we can hardly afford the underground pool as it is. We've been in abject poverty ever since you gave that loan to Mr. Elliott.

Garrett McMahon 28:44

Hmm, yes, I remember. It must have been for like a hundred million dollars.

Garrett McMahon 28:49

The, the the path of... what?

Garrett McMahon 28:52

On second thought, maybe you're right, Ness, young man. Maybe it was a tad less than that.

Garrett McMahon 28:57

The minuscule not -bee stopped flying around Ness and opted to rest on the coffee table, which Ness stood by as his guests took up the other available furniture. Minch, the oldest boy, that is, rose from his chair with a gasp and pointed at the table.

Garrett McMahon 29:12

Ugh, a dung beetle!

Garrett McMahon 29:14

This made his mom rise from her seat and screech, as if a mouse had crawled directly underneath her.

Garrett McMahon 29:20

Where? Kill it! Kill it!

Garrett McMahon 29:22

Wait, no. Mrs. Minch grabbed the nearest weapon she had available to her, which this time was her third best handbag, and brought the thing down hard on the table. The glass surface cracked upon impact, but thanks to Mrs. Minch's heroism, the dung beetle crisis was otherwise fully averted. The bug man fell from the table onto the floor, and Ness, horrified, ran to his side.

Garrett McMahon 29:47

We'll have to call an exterminator for you. You can let your mom know we'll arrange things. We'd hate to have any vermin hitch a ride into our house.

Garrett McMahon 29:56

At that moment everything seemed to go quiet. There was nothing in the room except the bug, which, upon a closer look, Ness could see was actually just a tiny man in a spacesuit. The buzzing of some kind of futuristic jet propulsion backpack. There was no sound in the room now except the minuscule man's soothing telepathic voice cascading into his ears and gliding through his body like a nice swarm cup of cocoa.

Garrett McMahon 30:23

I'm weaker than I thought. The fight must have taken a lot of my strength out of me. There's not much time now. Here, take this.

Garrett McMahon 30:33

Ness wondered how the tiny man was going to give him anything when he patted the right pocket of his pajamas. He took out a dull red rock, about half the size of his fist, pyramid-shaped, a four-sided die, with tiny engravings on each side. His eyes skimmed over a footprint, then a rendering of some kind of geyser or waterfall, and was that Stonehenge? Before bringing his attention back to the otherworldly small man.

Garrett McMahon 31:00

It's called the Soundstone. Go to each of the sanctuary spots in the four corners of the earth, and with that stone record the melodies you find there. The complete melody will unite the power of the earth, and with it amplify your own inner power. Find the other two boys and one girl, find the remaining chosen four. And remember always wisdom, courage, and friendship.

Garrett McMahon 31:31

The man coughed his last words, and not long after breathed no more. Ness watched in sorrow as the tiny man disintegrated into dust, blowing away somewhere under the couch. A miracle of science, a man no taller than his pinky, who travelled from who knows how many light years away, and who faced down horrible alien menaces and lived to tell the tale, was laid low forever by a woman whose greyest battle in her whole life would only ever amount to asking for the manager. The warm, comfy feeling of his telepathic voice left Ness forever, immediately replaced by the chatter and screeching of the Minch family. He rose to his feet and roared

Garrett McMahon 32:16

You idiots! Look what you did!

Garrett McMahon 32:19

The room fell silent, the others not sure if they should be more offended by the outburst, or confused by the empty patch of carpet Ness was pointing at, until Minch finally broke the silence.

Garrett McMahon 32:31

What's your problem? It was just a stupid bug.

Garrett McMahon 32:35

Oh, why don't you just shut up, Porky?

Garrett McMahon 32:39

This left the Minches stunned, none more so than the oldest Minch boy himself.

Garrett McMahon 32:47

I told you not to call me that ever.

Garrett McMahon 32:54

There was something in Ness that finally broke the damn of his restraint. Something in him, when he heard Minch say Don't call me that, interpreted it as I dare you to call me that again. The very sight of him, of his horrible family making themselves at home in his home, insulting him and his family, made him physically sick. No more would he pretend to be his friend just because his mom said it was the nice thing to do. No more would he hesitate to wield that name at him, a name that cruelly zeroed in on the most sensitive part of him, and was whispered behind his back among even his most cherished friends. A name that Ness sometimes imagined, daydreamed using, after putting up with his worse, but never dared to his face until now.

Garrett McMahon 33:38

Well too bad! I did! I called you Porky, Porky Porky, Porky, Porky Porky.

Garrett McMahon 33:46

So Ness did. And so Minch was to be. Never again just Minch. Never again whatever his real first name was that not even he or his parents ever used. From now on, he was always to be Porky Minch.

Garrett McMahon 34:01

The boy seethed, huffing deep through his teeth, clenching fists as he kept a horrible glare on Ness, who, as good as it felt in that brief moment, now started to regret bestowing upon him his new name.

Garrett McMahon 34:16

You and I are now mortal enemies. Everywhere you go, no matter what you do, I will be there every step of the way to thwart you. I will stamp out every hope and dream within you, no matter how faint a glimmer it may hold in your heart, and then I'll just rip it out right in front of your face and squeeze it in my hand like so much orange juice. From now to the end of time, I swear on my life, you will never be rid of me.

Garrett McMahon 34:54

Without giving Ness even a second of a chance to respond, he made a beeline to the door and slammed it behind him, and not long after that his parents followed him, dragging the young brother with him. Ness's mom entered the living room with two cups of cocoa and perfect timing.

Garrett McMahon 35:10

What on earth was that all about?

Garrett McMahon 35:13

Ness took his hot drink and plopped himself on an armchair, and his mom sat herself down on the couch, helping herself to the other cocoa.

Garrett McMahon 35:22

I called him porky on accident. And then a lot more times on purpose.

Garrett McMahon 35:31

Oh dear. That might not have been a good idea. Maybe tomorrow you can apologize to him.

Garrett McMahon 35:37

No way! It's all his fault! This whole stupid night was his idea.

Garrett McMahon 35:42

Still, he is our neighbor. Ness sculpted down the rest of the cocoa in his mug, now not too hot after all the excitement, and headed toward the stairs and up to his room.

Thank you for listening!

Garrett McMahon 35:53

Whatever, I'm sick of him. He's a jerk and he deserves everything that comes to him. Anyway, what's the worst he could really do?

Garrett McMahon 36:07

You've been listening to the podcast against Giygas. The Podcast Against Giygas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige sato Itoi, with production by William Pawlowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.