In Which Our Hero Makes a New Friend, Four Thousand Miles Away

The nefarious Happy-Happy Cult has been defeated, Ness has one part of the Sanctuary’s melody good and recorded in his Soundstone, and now it’s time to get out of Twoson and hit the road. Too bad the next town over has been invaded by spooky zombies! With such an infestation of the living dead in Threed, no buses will go near it with a ten-foot pole. Nuts! 

Ness and Paula have no choice but to bum a ride with the touring yacht-rock act the Runaway Five, who just so happen to be Ness’s parents’ favorite band of all time, not to mention Ness’s uh… not-so favorite band of all time. He’s tangled with aliens, with weird cults, and with predatory taxi cabs, but now Ness will face his toughest foe yet… a whole three-hour set of smooth-jazz rock, right in the front row! 

Will Ness and Paula endure the encore’s extended drum solo? Will they make it out of the strange circus tent in the middle of town and live to tell the tale? And how on earth will they ever get their third friend to join them, when he lives four thousand miles away?!

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

It’s The Podcast Against Giygas!

Garrett McMahon 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Giygas. Episode four, in which our hero makes a new friend, four thousand miles away. Ness stood on his tiptoes and slapped a handful of $20 bills on the counter of the Twoson bus station. His business in the town finally complete. His new friend Paula good and rescued from a sinister, if also a little silly, cult, the first part of the sanctuary melody good and recorded into the soundstone, and not to mention a rockin' photo of Ness at the giant step good and snapped by a strange man from the sky.

Garrett McMahon 1:01

Two one way tickets to Threed, please.

Garrett McMahon 1:04

All routes to Threed have been canceled due to a recent zombie outbreak. The next bus to Onett leaves in an hour.

Garrett McMahon 1:13

What? But I just came from Onett.

Garrett McMahon 1:17

Sorry, kid, that's all I got.

Garrett McMahon 1:20

Paula grumbled and spoke up to the ticket seller, also needing to stand on her toes.

Garrett McMahon 1:26

Please, mister, it's an emergency. We just have to get there. Anyway, they're just zombies. We can take care of ourselves.

Garrett McMahon 1:34

The seller raised an eyebrow at them both.

Garrett McMahon 1:38

Oh, I'm sure you can, children. Nonetheless, I have no buses en route.

Garrett McMahon 1:45

Well we can't just go back where we came from.

Garrett McMahon 1:49

Well, guess you're staying in Twoson for a while then.

Garrett McMahon 1:53

How long is a while?

Garrett McMahon 1:55

I don't know. You tell me how long it takes to clear out an infestation of the living dead. You can always take in the runaway five. I heard they're starting their world tour tonight right here in Twoson. History's about to start right in our backyard, boys and girls.

Garrett McMahon 2:13

Deflated, Ness and Paula had nothing to say to the ticket seller. The adults behind Ness and Paula made their way to the booth and took their spot in line.

Garrett McMahon 2:24

We're stuck in Twoson, and to make matters even worse, we're stuck here with the runaway five.

Garrett McMahon 2:30

Ness grimaced and took in a deep breath of disgust.

Garrett McMahon 2:35

My dad likes the runaway five.

Garrett McMahon 2:38

It was true. A short walk to the Chaos Theater, a small music venue closer to the outskirts of Twoson, showed that the world-famous dad -rock band The Runaway Five were playing their inaugural show of their biggest tour yet. Scores of fans waited in line at the box office, holding out hope that they would eventually reach the ticket cellar at the front of the line and purchase their chance to witness the band's longtime deft blending of raucous rock and roll and blues with smooth jazz stylings.

Garrett McMahon 3:08

Wait, this is our chance to get to Threed.

Garrett McMahon 3:12

How so? If they're going on tour, they're bound to be headed there next. There isn't any other town worth traveling to so far down south for miles away. We hitch a ride with them.

Garrett McMahon 3:24

On cue, the ticket seller shoved down the shutter on the box office window, revealing a sign that read Sold Out, which elicited a deafening groan from the queued-up line of fans.

Garrett McMahon 3:36

Aw, nuts! Just when it couldn't get any worse, we can't even get into the stupid Runaway Five show. How are we gonna get to three now?

Garrett McMahon 3:45

As the crowd milled away to lick their wounds, one among them held his tickets before them, laughing at them with an irritating nasal snicker. Whether he was just a jerk in general, or a scalper, fundamentally unaware of how scalping works, was anyone's guess.

Garrett McMahon 4:01

Ha ha ha! Suckers! Go home and watch the show on pay-per-view! Not me! I got front row seats, baby. Backstage passes the works! Me and my old lady are gonna have one heck of a time. Eat crow, you bunch of losers! Eat crAAAH!

Garrett McMahon 4:23

One moment he was flaunting his tickets in their faces, and the next, they disappeared from his hand like a magician's trick. The crowd, still bummed that they had to miss the show, gleaned whatever solace they could from seeing this man forced to eat a hefty helping of crow himself.

Garrett McMahon 4:41

From a good distance away from the line, Paula inspected her new telekinetically gotten tickets. Well, well, looky here, front row seats, backstage passes, how about that? Meanwhile, Ness raised a cautious eyebrow at Paula.

Garrett McMahon 4:57

That's stealing, you know.

Garrett McMahon 4:59

Paula gave Ness a smile and a wink.

Garrett McMahon 5:02

As soon as the show's over, I'll give them ride back. I'll promise.

Garrett McMahon 5:07

With that, Ness and Paula took their place in line, and once the ticket taker waved them down and temporarily confiscated their baseball bat and frying pan, and once black X's were drawn on their hands, they were ushered in with every other ticket holder to the old Twoson Chaos Theater.

Garrett McMahon 5:24

Oh nuts! As if it couldn't get any worse, now we actually have to see the runaway five.

Garrett McMahon 5:30

Oh hush up, you.

Garrett McMahon 5:34

The annoying man outside the Chaos Theater was true to his word. The children had front row seats facing the direct center of the stage. There was not a single note, gesture, or mannerism to be missed from the Runaway Five. While Ness sulked at the situation he was in, stuck for three hours in a loud room full of adults listening to music for people who wished they had a yacht, Paula took in the new sights and sounds the place afforded her. Being cooped up in her reinforced steel bedroom for most of her life, she had only rarely been outside it, rarely socialized with what few friends she made at school, and certainly had never been to a rock and roll show. Even the buildup to the main event, the grand hall full of the audience's chatter, and roadies scrambling around the stage and fiddling around with musical instruments, thrilled her.

Out of a Nightmare and Into a Dream

Garrett McMahon 6:22

Finally, the runaway five took their places on stage. The two black-suited and fedored singers, "Gorgeous" Donald Walters and "Lucky" Decker Hagen, grabbed their mics and asked how everyone was doing tonight, before ripping into their first number, "(She's a) Full-blooded Lithuanian Lady." Ness spent the entire two-hour and forty-eight-minute runtime of the show frowning, sighing, and resting his head on his hand with his elbow on the armrest. Paula, meanwhile, took in the early raucous blues rock numbers and smooth jazzy ballads in equal rapt attention. She danced along as the lead guitarist and saxophonist "Fine" Mikey Ryan and Jimmy "Okey" Dokey, respectively, flew through wild solos and played off each other through well-known hits such as "The Magician's Shoehorn" and "Sally, Don't You Steal That Produce." Finally, the band rounded out their set with the encore, a 15-minute improvised rendition of the popular showstopper "Rabbi for Sale," featuring an extended drum and bass solo from the low-end leader, "Nice" Guy Fox, and that master of the kit himself, "Groovy" Gus Wakeman, before bowing to the audience and wishing Tucson a very good night, till the next time they see them at the show. Ness and Paula were then ushered into the inner recesses of the Twoson Chaos Theater and, after presenting their backstage passes, were introduced to the six runaway fivesmen. Despite the earlier good time presumably had by all, none of the runaway five seemed particularly energized, pumped, pepped, or otherwise generally glad to be there. They almost had to make some kind of effort of enthusiasm when they finally noticed the children greeting them backstage, which, to their credit, they did.

Garrett McMahon 9:01

Hey hey! Here come the VIPs.

Garrett McMahon 9:06

How do you do, kids?

Garrett McMahon 9:08

Say, that sure is a new demographic, huh?

Garrett McMahon 9:12

Yeah. Most nights we play to a bunch of dads.

Garrett McMahon 9:15

And maybe their wives.

Garrett McMahon 9:18

Paula cleared her throat and broke their silence first.

Garrett McMahon 9:21

Well, not me. I thought you were all simply stupendous. We both did... Didn't we?

Garrett McMahon 9:28

Paula elbowed Ness in the arm.

Garrett McMahon 9:31

Uh, yep! Me too. Loved it.

Garrett McMahon 9:35

Well, how about that? We're finally hip with the kids. Say, children, what's your favorite album?

Garrett McMahon 9:42

Ness grumbled and rolled his eyes.

Garrett McMahon 9:44

Oh um... all of them? But especially, um... your first one.

Garrett McMahon 9:52

Well, myself, I'm a recent convert, I must admit, but from your set list, I could see a gradual shift from the 70s arena blues rock that made you famous, exhibited in early hits like "Turquoise Vestibule," to your more adventurous, dare I say playful fusions of traditional blues and rock with big band swing and even hard bebop jazz, as showcased in a track like, say, "Moroccan Quinceanera." And yet, there's a rigorous musicianship to it, classically trained even. If we look at something like your second to last song, for example, there was an interesting counterpoint between the sax and the rest of the band, on the Mixolydian scale, if I'm not mistaken, that suggests a Baroque fugue that would make Handel himself proud. What was it called again? Oh yes, "Geisha of the DMV."

Garrett McMahon 10:41

Wowzers! you sure know your stuff, young lady.

Garrett McMahon 10:45

Paula giggled a little and shrugged.

Garrett McMahon 10:48

Well, I just love music. I'd have a lot of time to listen when my pa locks me up in the basement for the day.

Garrett McMahon 10:54

A pall suddenly came over the gathering, but Paula, who recognized a mess of her own making when she saw one, took up the slack and cleaned it up.

Garrett McMahon 11:04

Say, I bet you got a lot of exciting places lined up on your big tour. I guess you'll be starting in Threed first.

Garrett McMahon 11:12

Oh yeah, all around the world, baby.

Garrett McMahon 11:15

Fantastic. We were wondering if maybe you could do a couple real kid fans of the Runaway Five a big runaway five favor.

Garrett McMahon 11:25

Ness, already in the presence of his least favorite dad's favorite band for too long, rolled his eyes and spilled the beans.

Garrett McMahon 11:33

We need to bum a ride to Threed.

Garrett McMahon 11:37

...that's right. No buses are going there from the local station. It's a matter of life and death that we get there, you see.

Garrett McMahon 11:44

Despite Paula giving Ness a dirty look over spoiling her careful diplomacy, the Runaway Five didn't seem to dismiss the notion out of hand.

Garrett McMahon 11:53

Uh sure, well you can hop on our bus. It's big enough for two more kids.

Garrett McMahon 11:59

Except...

Garrett McMahon 12:00

Except?

Garrett McMahon 12:02

The Runaway Five, all to a man, fell silent and gave each other shifty looks. There is no world tour. We're not going anywhere!

Garrett McMahon 12:14

We uh... we entered into a bad contract, you see.

Garrett McMahon 12:18

And by that he means we smashed a bug of toys and amps after a show, you know, to try and get cool with the kids. And maybe smash some other stuff in the theater.

Garrett McMahon 12:29

And now it's pay up or perform this dead -end dive forever. I'm afraid the good people of Twoson are going to enjoy the show for quite a long time.

Garrett McMahon 12:41

I'm also afraid we're going to abandon the usual whimsy and insuition of our lyrical output and start constantly singing about how we need the money. Just take out this little ditty we've been knocking around. With that, gorgeous Donald Walters and Lucky Ducker Hagen cued the band who got to their instruments. Ness's heart dropped. Ugh, I thought it was over, he said to himself. But thankfully, the group merely sampled the new tune's chorus.

Garrett McMahon 13:10

"Money, that's what I want/

Garrett McMahon 13:13

Money, that's what is hot/

Garrett McMahon 13:16

Money, that's what I want/

Garrett McMahon 13:19

Money is what we ain't got, except freedom, freedom, freedom/

Garrett McMahon 13:25

Freedom's what we really sought!"

Garrett McMahon 13:29

Even the impromptu rehearsal, while lacking none of their usual virtuoso chops, seemed a joyless affair in light of this setback. It was no "Geisha of the DMV," at any rate.

Garrett McMahon 13:41

Well, how much do you need?

Garrett McMahon 13:44

I'm thinking about calling it "Money, That's what is hot." Though I think you might be on to something with that freedom, freedom... wait wait wait, what?

Garrett McMahon 13:52

Well sure. Maybe we can help. And in return you can give us a ride to Threed?

Garrett McMahon 13:57

Yeah, right, kid. Look, it's kind of you to offer, but I don't think you've got ten thousand clams in those little pockets of yours.

Garrett McMahon 14:05

Ness smiled to Paula and pulled out his wallet, which had his trusty debit card, snug inside.

Garrett McMahon 14:12

Well, no, it'd be in a bank account. But if you're sure you don't need her help, I guess we'll just be going then. Thanks for the show, guys!

Garrett McMahon 14:22

Paula took Ness's lead and pretended to show themselves out the door, in which case the helpless band frantically changed their minds and rushed them back into the backstage hangout room, suddenly thinking, oh whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, maybe they can work something out with the boy. A payphone on the premises was soon procured, and Ness made a long distance call to Tokyo.

Garrett McMahon 14:44

Hey ya, slugger. Jeez, I'm about to order lunch. You must be up super late over there.

Garrett McMahon 14:49

Hey, Dad, I um... I know you said the Tokyo job was going to give you an extra bonus, but... you wouldn't happen to have ten thousand dollars to bail the runaway five out of a bad contract so they can give us a ride to threed?

Garrett McMahon 15:04

A long, protracted silence followed on the receiver, which made Ness wince and dread.

Garrett McMahon 15:11

Are you kidding me right now?

Garrett McMahon 15:15

I'm sorry, I know it's a lot, but...

Garrett McMahon 15:17

The runaway five?!

Garrett McMahon 15:21

Uh... um yeah, that's right.

Garrett McMahon 15:25

You betcha I got 10,000 for them. Holy cow, the guys are gonna flip!

Garrett McMahon 15:32

Phew, well, that's... you sure it's not too much?

Garrett McMahon 15:36

Not at all. I told the boss man all about you and your quest. We all agree you're doing very important work. One condition though, milk them for all they're worth. I'm talking box sets, season tickets, backstage passes, autographed merchandise, the works.

Garrett McMahon 15:54

I uh... I don't think that'll be a problem.

Garrett McMahon 15:58

The Runaway Five, hot dog! Seriously, kiddo, you have no idea. Without them, you wouldn't even exist. See, they have this early song called "Fallin' Love," and there is this log cabin out in the woods, and your mother and I...

Garrett McMahon 16:12

okay dad, I gotta get going. You know, they're uh waiting for me, but thanks again.

Garrett McMahon 16:18

Oh well okay slugger, till next time.

Garrett McMahon 16:22

Till next time, Dad.

Garrett McMahon 16:25

Ness returned to the backstage room where the band and the chaos theater waited on tenter hooks.

Garrett McMahon 16:32

So my dad said um... he needs your...

Garrett McMahon 16:36

Ness took out a paper from his pocket with a handwritten note and looked it over.

Garrett McMahon 16:41

Your wire transfer number.

Garrett McMahon 16:46

A half hour later, funds were wired, signatures were signed, hands were shook, and the band all but leapt for joy at their new emancipation, all six of the Runaway Five not forgetting to give big bear hugs to Ness and Paula alike.

Garrett McMahon 17:00

Whoa, baby, these little tikes brought us out of a nightmare and straight into a dream.

Garrett McMahon 17:05

Woohoo! All right, now let's get out of this dump.

Garrett McMahon 17:48

Lucky Decker Hagen jumped into the driver's seat, and after a small mishap with the curb that left a dent in the bus's rear, and not a small crack in the two cent pavement (Hey, watch where you're going! Lucky Ducker Hagen scolded the curb as he backed out), they finally hit the road to Threed.

Garrett McMahon 18:07

Not to worry, children. Once we start jamming out, this bus is gonna be way too loud for any spooky things to bother us. Zombies, ghosts, what have you.

Garrett McMahon 18:17

True to their word, they did, and it was. For the entire eight-hour ride to Threed, Ness and Paula's entire sensory perception was the runaway five and nothing else. They saw, heard, and even felt the hours and hours of jams, improvisations, rehearsals, starts and stops as the band played on and on. Ness grimaced and covered his ears. Man, this is really gonna take eight hours?!

Garrett McMahon 18:45

Paula shouted something to Ness, but for all that she might as well could have just been mute mouthing words. Ness shrugged, and Paula made a motion as if to say it and hold on. Paula's eyes went white, and even over the runaway five he heard a ring. The next thing Ness knew, there was total empty silence in his head, like seashells held right up to both of his ears. Even the whirr of the engine and the whoosh of the bus speeding down the highway were gone. And then there was Paula's voice. The same one that led him to her and comforted him when he was discouraged, and even sang a little song for him.

Garrett McMahon 19:25

There. Much better.

Garrett McMahon 19:28

Wow! Rockin! You can read minds too. And hey, your accent's gone.

Garrett McMahon 19:34

Hardee har har. I can send my own thoughts and receive them when they're sent to me, but uh technically no. I can't read someone's private thoughts.

Garrett McMahon 19:47

Well, still, that's neat. It's crazy how much stuff you can do with your mind. You're like a superhero.

Garrett McMahon 19:53

It's not that great, really. I've had these abilities ever since I can remember. It was harder To control back then. Always the loudest, angriest, most messed up thoughts that got into my head. I was too young when I found out how really bad people can be. That and no one wants to be friends with the girl who accidentally sets things on fire.

Garrett McMahon 20:17

Paula said nothing for a long while, looked out the window past the rushing blur of trees on the side of the road. People are in their own cars making steady pace against the side of the bus, listening to their radios, not paying them a single care.

Garrett McMahon 20:31

Most people just think I'm weird. My dad always thought I was weird.

Garrett McMahon 20:38

I don't think you're weird.

Garrett McMahon 20:41

Well, I know you're just saying that to cheer me up, but thanks all the same.

Garrett McMahon 20:46

Come on, Paula. I almost got eaten by a taxicab on the way here. You're not even close to being the weirdest thing I've seen so far.

The Town of Threed, Zombie Central

Garrett McMahon 20:56

Ness gave Paula a little smile and pat on the shoulder, and that actually cheered her up. Finally, the bus pulled into the threed city limits just as the sun set. The small town was entirely deserted. Not only was there not a single soul present in either its impressive downtown center or any of its quaint suburban clusters, but indeed, the kids and the runaway five alike noticed many of the residents making a frantic break to their homes, slamming their doors shut, turning bolt after padlock after reinforced steel chain, swiping curtains, turning off the lights, shuttering window after window, and were some of them even nailing two by fours over the windows? Even if there wasn't an alleged zombie outbreak in Threed, the town was as good as dead. Ness and Paula exited the bus last as the band looked around the joyless small town and shrugged to each other.

Garrett McMahon 22:25

We're gonna hit the road. This place is too down in the dumps.

Garrett McMahon 22:30

With that, the runaway five hopped back into the bus and headed toward their next destination. Not missing a beat, Ness and Paula could still hear the music coming out of the thing even only minutes after peeling away from the gloomy town. Once they got going, nothing could keep down the runaway five. Well, nothing short of staggering fiscal irresponsibility, of course.

Garrett McMahon 22:52

Ness took a look around. He could have maybe imagined a time when Threed was bright, bustling, full of smiles and chatter as people went about their day, but that time was gone now. Now it was as if everyone was to spend every waking moment indoors, under bolt-locked front door and shuttered windows, as if even the sun was afraid to come out. A zombie invasion will do that. Imagine his surprise when he spotted, just beside the thread city limits, the very same hippie he encountered in Twoson, and there indeed was his ramshackle wooden kiosk, the big spray-painted placard above him advertising five cent hints. Paula regarded the site with a little laugh, before she noted Ness heading toward the booth and followed close behind.

Garrett McMahon 23:37

Ness, what what are you... You're seriously going to buy a hint?

Garrett McMahon 23:42

Eh, at least they're cheap.

Garrett McMahon 23:45

Ness approached the kiosk with a wave and a smile, as the hippie looked on without a word or gesture.

Garrett McMahon 23:51

Say, how come you left Twoson? And what brings you all the way out here?

Garrett McMahon 23:56

Sorry, kid, but have we met before?

Garrett McMahon 24:00

What... what do you... of course we have! You run the hint booth at Twoson. Or or you used to.

Garrett McMahon 24:08

I've never been to Twoson in my life. Born and raised in Threed myself.

Garrett McMahon 24:13

Ness frowned and folded his arms.

Garrett McMahon 24:15

Come on, you look and sound exactly like the guy. You have the exact same booth and the exact same service for the exact same price.

Garrett McMahon 24:24

It's a franchise. I work at the Threed branch.

Garrett McMahon 24:28

Ness grumbled, dug into his pocket, and slipped a nickel into the tin. After taking a moment to shake the nickel around in the can, the hippie cleared his throat.

Garrett McMahon 24:38

There's a zombie invasion in the works here. Things were never the same when the dead started walking in the once quiet town of Threed. The sun never shines, no one ever smiles, and everyone passes the night locked in their houses.

Garrett McMahon 24:54

Ness and Paula looked to each other. You get what you pay for. Paula grabbed Ness by the hand before he could drop another coin into the slot.

Garrett McMahon 25:03

Oh come on, we don't need that junk.

Garrett McMahon 25:06

With that, Paula dragged Ness away and they went deeper into the spooky town of Threed.

Garrett McMahon 25:12

Where are we going?

Garrett McMahon 25:14

We should find a hotel or something. If there are zombies, it won't do any good being outdoors while the sun's down.

Garrett McMahon 25:21

I mean, what are we doing here? How did you know we had to go to Threed anyway?

Garrett McMahon 25:28

I just know. It's a hunch.

Garrett McMahon 25:30

A hunch?

Garrett McMahon 25:32

Yes, a hunch.

Garrett McMahon 25:34

Come on, really, you can tell me. How come we're in Threed?

Garrett McMahon 25:39

Ness noticed that this question seemed to bother Paula more than the others. She hesitated for a long while and then sighed.

Garrett McMahon 25:48

I can see small glimpses of the future. It's in Threed that we meet our third friend. And when I see it in the future, you can trust it's gonna happen no matter what. They always come true. Always.

Garrett McMahon 26:04

You can see the future too? Wow! You're like a psychic.

Garrett McMahon 26:09

It's not as neat as all that. Only very small glimpses, a couple seconds usually. Brief moments, but significant and intense.

Garrett McMahon 26:20

S ay, do you know if like... you know, have you seen if we... well, do we win? Against Giygas?

Garrett McMahon 26:30

Now this question really bothered Paula, though Ness still had a little growing up to do to gain the emotional intelligence enough to realize this. Paula tried not to think about the nightmare world, where the only sounds are someone's screams, and the only sights are black and red misty haze and red blood in the pitch dark, and before her three boys she had never met before, lying on the ground dead, and she only she alive to gaze upon their broken bodies, the last thing she saw before the world was destroyed, these three boys she had never seen before in her life, at least when she first had the nightmare. But now that some time had passed and the adventure was good and begun, she remembered that one of the dead boys wore a blue and yellow striped shirt, red high top sneakers, and a bright red baseball cap.

Garrett McMahon 27:22

No, I haven't seen that far ahead yet.

Garrett McMahon 27:26

Ah, nuts. Oh well. Sheesh, is there anything you can't do?

Garrett McMahon 27:31

I guess I can't make boys walk faster and stop asking me stupid questions.

Garrett McMahon 27:37

Sorry.

Garrett McMahon 27:39

Ness giddied up and caught up to Paula as they headed deeper into Threed. After a little bit of wandering, since there was not a living soul outside to ask for directions, they came across a modest hotel and went inside. A record playing a minor key dirge warbled throughout the lobby, slowed and warped as if someone stretched out the tape. The concierge was a Dracula, handing out keys and wishing every bloody a spooktacular stay in their bootiful suite. Bellboys wearing white sheets with holes poked out for eyes led guests with jack-o'-lantern heads to their creaky, cobweb-ridden rooms, and a werewolf wheeled a pushtray to a guest for room service, serving them a platter of spiders, scorpions, and worms. In the convention center, a wild group of partygoers were helping themselves to copious red cups of fruit punch, or let's hope it was fruit punch anyway, and performed a wild dance that uh, was supposed to send them back in time or something? And a booth of brochures near the door advertised a carnival, a huge circus tent with bloodshot eyes and a sharp, jagged-toothed mouth for a doorway, promising a frighteningly good time, a Halloween extravaganza.

Garrett McMahon 28:54

It was the middle of June.

Garrett McMahon 28:58

On second thought, let's not stay here. I think if we stay here, it will be the biggest mistake we ever make.

Garrett McMahon 29:05

Paula about faced and made herself scarce from the lobby, and Ness followed close behind. Even if they had not glanced at the brochure with the menacing circus tent carnival back at the bone-chilling hotel, it would not have been hard for Ness and Paula to spot the thing. It was the only place in the dark and desolate town lit up and playing music. Determined, Paula headed toward the spooky carnival, and Ness nervously traipsed behind her, stopping at the threshold of the open tent.

Garrett McMahon 29:34

I don't know, what if it's a trap?

Garrett McMahon 29:37

I can set things on fire with my mind. That's what if it's a trap.

Garrett McMahon 29:42

Paula entered the tent with confidence, and Ness, more or less satisfied with her response, followed behind with a lot less confidence. Inside they saw a horde of terrors shrouded in the dark, an expansive circus full of creeping figures, shadowy crevices where only spiders dared to creep and cast their webs. As far as their eyes adjusted to the dark could see, clowns were everywhere, painted on posters and performing a single animatronic task again and again, juggling, unicycling, packing on masks into tiny cars, you know, clown stuff. As Ness stepped back and reached for his bat, Paula scanned the area.

Garrett McMahon 30:22

Ah, there we go. She went deeper into the ring and found a circuit breaker fastened to a post. Flipping all the light switches from left to right, she illuminated the whole tent in an instant. Lights flashed, the animatronic clowns laughed, and canned renditions of the entrance of the gladiators blared tinny through speakers. And as the circus emerged from the dark, so did the zombies.

Garrett McMahon 30:47

Ness and Paula sprang to action with their weapons. Fortunately for them, the zombies appeared to be an easy foe, slow, unorganized, doing little more than shuffling their undead carcasses toward the only two living things in the tent, arms outstretched, decayed sputum dripping down their open, moaning jaws. As the children knew very well, a simple blast of buckshot to the head could stop a marauding zombie right in its tracks.

Garrett McMahon 31:12

Unfortunately for Ness and Paula, neither of them remembered to pack any shotguns. They did the best they could with their bats and levitating cast iron skillets before Paula let loose a warning blast of pyrokinesis on the bare ground between them and the zombies, which was ignored. Her eyes went white. The next moment, the zombie in front of her was engulfed in flames. Her target now screeching, flailing around, running like a beheaded chicken, Paula worried for a moment that the burning zombie would catch the whole tent on fire with them all trapped inside. But luckily, another zombie was on hand with a fire extinguisher, who doused his burning comrade in the stuff and saved the poor thing's unlife. Ness and Paula gave each other a look of dread. Maybe they were a little more organized than they thought.

Garrett McMahon 31:59

They didn't have long to worry, though. As the kids did what they could to fend off the undead horde, as they could all but watch as one finally lumbered up to them and grasped with rotten, outstretched hands, the next thing they knew, that zombie was knocked down on the ground, out well, colder. Standing before Ness and Paula was the very same mysterious Dolomese boy that Ness encountered on his way out of Onett, who single-handedly dispatched all the sharks and also got Ness in trouble with the cops. Now, they watched a veritable kung fu flick in the circus as the same boy went one on fifty-eight with the zombies, knocking them all down with blazing fast punches, flying kicks, and even a few painful elbow shots directly to the face.

Garrett McMahon 32:43

The zombies seen to, the boy approached Ness again with the same gesture, an outstretched hand and a not in the mood at all right now frown, wordlessly demanding that Ness cough it up. Ness knew this time what he was meant to cough up, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the glistening red soundstone. Paula gasped in horror at the sight and ran to Ness pushing him away from the other boy.

Garrett McMahon 33:09

What are you doing? Stop it.

Garrett McMahon 33:11

The boy grimaced and motioned to Ness with his open hand one more time, but Paula stepped in between them both.

Garrett McMahon 33:18

No! It doesn't belong to you! Now whoever you are, get out of here. Go on, git!

Jeffrey Andonuts, at Your Service!

Garrett McMahon 33:25

The other boy sighed, then motioned to the pile of beaten zombies on the ground, as if saying, Be my guest. He threw something on the ground and vanished in a cloud of smoke. Ness and Paula looked to the fallen zombies, rising to their feet, moaning, and fixing upon the kids a glare of newfound rage. That's the annoying thing about zombies, you see, since they're already dead, you can't really stop them, even if you give them a good kung fu thrashing. Ness and Paula found themselves locked in a dungeon. Literally. A dank basement with nothing but various medieval torture devices, an authentic racking table, iron gibbet, iron maiden, Catherine Wheel, and Lazy Susan, each with a warning note from the circus management: Please be careful around the authentic medieval torture devices, some of them are older than you'll ever be. Paula went to the locked door and banged on it with her fists, but no dice. On the other side of the door, the children could hear the raspy voices of the zombies.

Garrett McMahon 35:31

Hehehe! Stupid kids, wandering a carnival alone. Works every time.

Garrett McMahon 35:39

That's right. There's nothing a kid likes more than a circus with dark clown aesthetics. Put one up, and they're like moths to a light.

Garrett McMahon 35:47

We'll keep them here until the boss wakes up. Been a while since he's had children to eat.

Garrett McMahon 35:54

Paula waited a moment until the zombie's faint voices could no longer be heard, and then swung at the fragile rack with her skillet, breaking it into pieces on the floor.

Garrett McMahon 36:06

I can't believe I've already been abducted twice!

Garrett McMahon 36:09

Ness, meanwhile, went to the door with his bat, and it worked in opening it about as well as you'd expect.

Garrett McMahon 36:17

Nuts.

Garrett McMahon 36:18

Paula then turned her attention from the destroyed piece of medieval history to her companion.

Garrett McMahon 36:24

You were gonna give that boy the soundstone. Why would you do something so stupid?

Garrett McMahon 36:29

I don't know. Maybe I don't want it.

Garrett McMahon 36:33

What do you mean you ... it doesn't matter if you want it, it's your responsibility.

Garrett McMahon 36:39

His responsibility? His responsibility? What kind of a thing was that to say to him in a time like this? What was she a a teacher? Something emerged in Ness that was before only quietly lurking deep within. There were two sides to the boy, and the normal, rational consciousness knew that he was in way over his head, and he needed to cooperate with whoever was to be his ally. But another side, steeped into his very bones from birth, had been poking and prodding him ever since the moment Paula became a real person and not just a telepathic voice in his head. Every single backhanded statement, every ribbing, every grumpy, sarcastic aside that Paula let out to her new companion teased the cage lion in his heart, the unconscious, deep-seated revulsion commonly found in all 12-year-old boys, the immediate and thorough revulsion against a bossy girl. The lion was freed, but before it had a chance to roar, Paula grumbled and changed the subject, sitting down beside the wall.

Garrett McMahon 37:45

Ugh, never mind for now. First let's get out of here. I guess I have to call that second boy.

Garrett McMahon 37:52

Paula took in a deep breath, then her eyes went white. Ness could hear her telepathic message, loud enough for this other person to reach his own mind as well.

Garrett McMahon 38:04

Can you hear me? My name's Paula. I'm a friend you've never met before. If you can hear me, please help us. We're in trouble. Please find us in Threed. Find us.

Garrett McMahon 38:21

She finished her message and sat back down in the same spot.

Garrett McMahon 38:25

Now what?

Garrett McMahon 38:27

Now we wait. He's all the way out in winters.

Garrett McMahon 38:31

Winters?! That's like a million miles away.

Garrett McMahon 38:35

Four thousand, but yes. It could take him days, weeks to fly here.

Garrett McMahon 38:52

They were interrupted by a deafening crash, as something fell through the ceiling, crushing the Iron Maiden and the lazy Susan alike. Stunned, Ness and Paula rose to meet the strange heap of junk that literally dropped in to meet them. If Ness had to guess, he would have guessed it was some kind of UFO, almost perfectly sphere-shaped and metallic, impressive in its design, if not its current appearance. A hydraulic door on the UFO gushed steam and opened, and outstepped not an alien, thankfully enough for Ness after having his full of aliens and zombies alike, but a boy, dressed entirely in green nonetheless.

Garrett McMahon 39:32

The dust cleared from the crash, and the two kids took a better look at the boy. He was the same age as them, a little taller than Ness, but far skinnier, and well dressed. A green blazer with matching neatly creased green slacks and brown leather penny loafers. Indeed, a small logo with heraldic arms on the lapel of his jacket indicated some private school or other that no doubt made the formal attire necessary. He was pale white with freckles and rosy -red cheeks, he had a neatly cut blonde bowl cut parted down the middle that rose just above his ears, and he wore glasses with thick black square frames.

Garrett McMahon 40:09

The boy dusted off his suit, took a moment to orient himself, and then saluted to Ness and Paula. He spoke in an accent which confirmed he was indeed from Winters, a cold little country on an island all the way across the ocean called North Armourica.

Garrett McMahon 40:26

Jeffrey Andonuts, at your service! You gave me a ring in my head and I got here as soon as I could. I'm not very strong, a little nearsighted, quite eccentric and extremely reckless, but I can fix anything that should or could work, I'm a crack shot with a laser pistol, and I have a rucksack full of bottle rockets. I'm your man to the bitter end!

Garrett McMahon 40:46

You... you really you got here... all the way from Winters?

Garrett McMahon 40:53

Right you are. You get the booby prize.

Garrett McMahon 40:56

And who do I have the pleasure of conversing with?

Garrett McMahon 40:59

Uh, I'm Ness, and this is Paula.

Garrett McMahon 41:03

Jeff offered his hand, and Ness and Paula both took turns shaking it, the former boy giving their arms a rigorous workout.

Garrett McMahon 41:10

Ness, Paula, Chuffed to bits, I'm sure.

Garrett McMahon 41:14

But she only contacted you a second ago. How did you get here so fast?

Garrett McMahon 41:19

Jeff chuckled and flashed them a little smile.

Thank you for listening!

Garrett McMahon 41:23

I'm so very glad you asked. You've been listening to the podcast against Giygas. The Podcast Against Giygas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige sato Itoi, with production by William Pawlowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.