In Which Our Hero Calls His Mother

What the heck is this place?! Emerging victorious against the monster underneath Threed, the children find themselves in a wacky world inhabited by the Mr. Saturns, a race of silly little creatures as brilliant as they are friendly. Grateful for rescuing them from that horrible vomit beast, they show Ness and his friends a good time in their village before leading them to the second Sanctuary at last.

And then, they’re off on the next leg of their adventure, farther away from Onett than Ness had ever ventured before in his life! Will Ness and his friends stump the formidable Trillionage Sprout? Will they EVER get through this dang-nabbit traffic jam already and finally reach Fourside? And what nasty little bit of Ness’s past will rear its ugly head once more…?

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

It’s The Podcast Against Giygas!

Garrett McMahon 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Gaius Episode six in which our hero calls his mother. A week before, Ness could say he had never ventured very far out of his hometown of Winnette, but now, as he followed the strange little roly-poly creatures into the hole in the wall, it seemed he was traveling somewhere not even a part of this earth. A village awaited Ness and his friends that was just as alien as the friendly creatures guiding them, where everything seemed to be just a little off. Bright yellow grass, bright green sky, bright orange sunshine, and bright pink and purple houses and trees. The non-Euclidean huts as big as human-sized houses with a complex web of ladders to enter them, and fun chutes to slide down when you wanted to leave. The children took in their surroundings in awe, none of them more than Jeff.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Could it be?

Garrett McMahon 1:22

Yes, I think it's the Saturn Village by gum. The what? The Saturn Village, Ness. They're said to be brilliant creatures, capable of devising very advanced technologies. They can build just about anything they have in mind to build, which must be why that slimy fellow must have had them cooped up in his marmite factory. Ness scanned the weird houses one more time, already looking like his best attempts at making Lego houses back when he was five, and noticed a few of them lying on their sides as if taking a nap, and even one with the point of the roof serving as the foundation, the bulk of the house rising up into the shape of an ice cream cone. Even though they don't have hands, huh? Dr. Andonuts, I mean my dad, has been looking for this place his whole life. To think all one has to do is blow up a wall. Three of the rolly poly creatures approached the kids, and if they had hands, you could imagine them waving if you put your mind to it. Zip zippy hoppy hop. Boing boing Whoa, that's so weird. I understood him. He said hello, welcome to our home. Boing, boing, doopy, doop, mister Saturn. Me too. He said his name is Mr Saturn. Now he's introducing us to his friends. They're they're all named Mr Saturn. I guess you are right, Jeff Jeff Paula turned around to see Jeff positively gobsmacked.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Incredible.

Garrett McMahon 3:00

It's Glossolalia Glossal what now? Glossolalia, Ness, the perfect language. No matter the tongue in which you were born and raised, when you hear it spoken you can understand it perfectly, and when speaking to one fluent in it, again, no matter what language, they comprehend you just as well. It's very scientific, you see.

SPEAKER_04 3:22

Zoom dinghy dingy dong Zoop At this the children erupted into raucous laughter.

Garrett McMahon 3:31

Who knew, on top of their many talents, that the Mr Saturns had such a zany madcap sense of humor? Well, that was actually really funny. The Mr. Saturns went on to explain that they were held in captivity by that horrible vomit monster who suddenly, unexpectedly pierced the veil between the pseudoscientific human world and the idealoscientific Mr. Saturn world, and kidnapped them down to the last roly-poly puffball among them to, as Jeff correctly predicted, construct the most efficient marmite factory as quickly as possible to feed a massive worldwide zombie apocalypse. They thanked Ness, Paula, and Jeff as their liberators, and bestowed upon them the title Friend of the Mr. Saturn's. It was hard for Ness to decide what part of the kooky Mr. Saturn village was his favorite. The majestic Schleeple Pooser with its fun little brumby wimps, the serene field of tumpty hams with kimble cumple wumpats as far as the eye could see, or the great gezeep, which took pride of place in the towns of central Dufinchmies. It was all very fun for a while, but a Mr. Saturn, who acted as their guide, indicated for the children to follow him to the second sanctuary. The Mr. Saturn led them to a pleasant yellow meadow, where in it they could see a big pond underneath a gushing waterfall. It was not just any waterfall, though, for a viscous pink liquid rushed down the slope and into the pond, which then bubbled and splattered, shooting pink lava lamp gobs of the stuff, gently floating into midair and lilting back down to the pond mouse below. It looked delicious to drink, sweet like a whole cotton candy or bubblegum milkshake of a swimming pool, and the name of the curious pond, Grapefruit Falls, only made it more appealing in Nessa's mind. Whoa! Rockin' But before any of them could get a closer look at the magical waterfall, the Mr. Saturn led them to what looked like a small yellow sprout in the middle of the field. The three of them gasped when the sprout suddenly flashed big googly eyes at them and cleared its throat. Greetings, children. You must be the chosen four, or at least the first three. Whoa! You can talk? Of course I can. I learned how to speak your language oh about a thousand years ago. A thousand? How old are you? I'd say a little more than a trillion years old. I say, if you are indeed at such an advanced stage, why have you never progressed past the seedling phase of your plant life? I subsist on only the miraculous waters of the grapefruit falls, and it stunts my development while prolonging my life. After all, everyone knows that maturation leads to old age, which inevitably leads to death. Now, children, to reach the very same grapefruit falls, you have to get past me, just as you did, the first guardian of the sanctuary. The first guardian? Do you mean that gigantic mutated ant? I do indeed. A dear friend, that Gerald. And not much of a guardian, as I'm sure you gathered. No doubt he tried to yap your little heads off again with another of his poems. Still, such a pure soul, that Gerald. So kind and friendly and always so very cheerful. Ness and Paula both cringed and looked to each other. Well, to be honest, we Paula nudged Ness in the shoulder and shut him up. That's right. Such a friendly big ant he was. He read us uh a limerick. It was very funny. A limerick? That doesn't sound like Gerald. He usually composes sestinas. I guess he's experimenting. Well, let's get on with it. As I know just about anything and everything under the sun, it is tasked upon you to ask me anything. If you stump me, you may proceed, but if you give up, you will never see the sanctuary. Paula gave the plant a scoff. No offense, but you're just a sprout. We could step right over you. You're welcome to try, young lady. Paula shrugged, looked to the others, and indeed stepped over the Trillion Age sprout. After taking a few steps forward with a self satisfied smirk, she suddenly shrieked and fell right on her back to the yellow grassy field. She rose to her feet and saw the Trillion Age sprout resting upon a huge mound of soil that had erupted from the ground before her. No matter which way she tried to walk past, dodging and fainting like a basketball player, there was the sprout on his mound to block the way forward. Paula gave up, folded her arms, and grumbled. Oh all right, if we must. The children then put their heads together to come up with the best doozies they could. Jeff started with a real head scratcher. What is the smallest unit of time? And the answer was the metric Goopal Flex, one nine hundred ninety-nine billionth of a nanosecond, first measured with a microscopic wristwatch by one Dr. Gordon J. Schliemenbert in the year 1897. Paula had a good one. Do we see red the same way as other people see red? We don't, was the answer. The poet laureate of Eagle Land, for example, sees red as a more mauvish purple. The last team of astronauts to walk the moon see it each to a man as a grainy polka dotted orange, and the president saw it as simply the number eight. What language would you think in if you didn't know any? The answer a series of symbols for a cipher designed but ultimately discarded by the culper ring as quote, too silly. At what point does a ship completely disassembled and then reassembled again become a different ship entirely? At 79.578% reassembly. Can an all-powerful being create a rock so heavy they can't lift it? No, but they can create a rock so heavy that while they can't lift it, a couple friends of theirs could pitch in and hoist it up if need be. Finally, what is the closed form solution to the three body problem? Jeff asked, a lot of ideas, and the trillion age sprout amazingly answered him. And what was the solution? Wouldn't you like to know? It went on like this, until Jeff and Paula both gave up. Ness was shaking in his sneakers now. He was a bright boy, to be sure, but he wasn't smart, like Jeff or Paula were smart. He was getting C's in history and science and and everything else. Best you didn't ask. He stammered and hesitated until the Mr Saturn guide nudged his leg with his bulbous nose. Ness was surprised to find he understood this gesture just as easily as the creature's glossolalia. It said you can do it, Ness. Your friends tried to be too smart. Instead, try something a little more lowbrow. The very first thing that came to mind was a dumb little joke one of his friends tried once at the tree house. Without even thinking, he blurted it out to the trillion age sprout. If a man named Pete and his friend Repeat are on a boat, and Pete falls off the boat, who is still on the boat? Why that's easy. It would be his friend, Repeat. If a man named Pete and his friend Repeat are on a boat and Pete falls off the boat, who is still on the boat? Um as I said, it is obvious that it would be the other among them, Repeat. Ness laughed, and the others giggled with him. If a man named Pete and his friend named Repeater on a boat, and Pete falls off the boat, who is still on the boat?

SPEAKER_02 12:06

Ugh What are you up to, little boy? I have more than sufficiently answered you.

Garrett McMahon 12:12

It is the friend of Pete named Repeat. The children could not contain their mirth as Ness continued the joke relentlessly. He got in a good ten more repeats, as the trillion age sprout became more and more enraged.

SPEAKER_02 12:29

Ah the answer is repeat a million times repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

The Grapefruit Falls and What Ness Saw There

Garrett McMahon 12:38

The sprout became so angry he could barely speak, reduced to sputters and curses. At this, Paula and Jeff winked at Ness. Say, Ness, why don't you leave this to us, eh? He is a trillion years old, after all, and he knows anything and everything under the sun, so I'm sure he'll come across the right answer eventually. Now then, my good Mr. Sprout, sir, supposing a man called Pete was sailing upon a seaworthy vessel and not good. Ness may not have been as book smart as his friends, but he was smart enough to take Jeff's hint. He left behind his friends and the furious sprout, and followed his Mr. Saturn guide until they reached the shore of the Grapefruit Falls at last. Zippa dip dippa doo zippa dip dippa doo Even if his Mr Saturn guide wasn't speaking Glosalia, the way he then proceeded to run in as fast as his funny little feet could take him and dive snout first into the pond made it perfectly clear what he said to Ness. Come on in, the goop is fine. Oh um okay. Now of course Ness loved nothing more than jumping into a good old swimming pool or lake, but that was when he had his trunks on, and also when he was with friends or family, and also most importantly when he was on planet Earth. Still, the Mr. Saturn's had been nothing to Ness and his friends but kind, welcoming, and a whole lot of fun, and they were made honorary friends of the Mr. Saturn's, and his mom taught him how it's rude to refuse the generosity of a friend. Ness kicked off his sneakers and peeled off his socks. He would at least wait in the great grapefruit falls as a token of his gratitude to the Saturn village's hospitality. He took his time tiptoeing his pale bare feet to the water's edge and dipped his toes in, then one foot, then the other. And every single thing that made him worry and hesitate evaporated away. It felt amazing. As his feet sunk into the pink stuff, swelching through his toes like the best mud puddle ever, a wonderful sensation fizzled through his entire body like a lemon lime soda, a pleasant tinkling like a good stretch after a long sit in the classroom, or the cool feeling of a pillow right when you get into bed, but all over. Any soreness, discomfort, or even any sad or angry feelings that might have lurked in Ness's heart were instantly washed away, leaving him feeling renewed and in good spirits. With every step he took, Ness found that sometimes his feet schlepped into the weird pink water, and other times rested on the surface as if it were a solid, albeit slimy floor. If Jeff had been with him, his friend would have no doubt explained that it was an interesting specimen of non-Newtonian liquid. He raised his leg, thinking it would be covered with a hopelessly sticky, slimy, weird stuff that would take hours to clean off. Yet the pink goop effortlessly slid off his leg and splashed into the pool, leaving it completely dry. With a little giggle, his Mr. Saturn friend walked toward him on solid water, then cannonballed in front of him, splashing huge gobs of goop that floated around in spirals and swirls, but also knocked Ness back and fully immersed him. Ness found he didn't have to hold his breath or close his eyes underwater, as the bright pink liquid of Grapefruit Falls was just as breathable and easy on the eyes as plain old fresh air. He spent a long while laughing and playing around with his Mr. Saturn friend, splashing and dunking each other into the stuff, just as good as if he were with one of his friends from the tree house back home. And for not having any arms or legs above his little feet, the Mr. Saturn got in some pretty impressive dunks on his part, Ness had to admit. Ness figured out how to walk on the liquid as a solid and when to let himself sink at will, and once doing stood on the water's surface and skipped and splashed and somersaulted and cartwheeled around, then fell over like a plank and rested flat on his back. He spent a long while like this, letting the grapefruit falls float him wherever it may like a lily pad, arms and legs splayed out, wiggling his toes in the air. He decided then and there that he could stay in that moment forever. Which, of course, is always the moment one realizes one precisely can't stay in a moment forever. Floating to a shallower part of the pond, Ness finally got to his feet and took out the sandstone, now glowing on its second side, the etching of a geyser now recognizable as the grapefruit falls. A song came into his ears, danced around in his head, and settled deep into his heart. But just as two bars passed, just when it was about to get good, the melody stopped just as suddenly as it started. His vision went blank, though his eyes weren't closed. When he could see again, he saw a vision of himself as a younger boy, playing out like a movie. He remembered it very well. It was when he was sick in bed with chicken pox. There was his mother beside him, taking his temperature, applying a cool towel to his head, feeding him chicken soup. The movie cut to another scene, Ness on the mend, a wicker basket at the foot of his bed, covered with a white cloth, tied with a red ribbon. He woke, and whatever was in that basket nudged through the cloth. He sat up and was greeted by a puppy, who scampered from the basket, leaped into Ness's arms, licked Ness's face, who laughed and hugged his new friend and petted him all over. The montage continued, Ness and his mother walking King, giving him a bath, Ness and King playing in the mud, and further efforts both of them getting baths that time. Ness and his mother watching baseball on TV, who loved the game almost as much as her son and husband. Ness with King on his lap, who promptly got ejected off it with every run scored, and would only shrug and trot himself right back on his human's lap again. And then Ness heard her sing. His mother was always singing, and she had a wonderful voice. He heard her singing along to the radio, singing along with his dad to the runaway five, even singing in the local one at musical productions, which was what she liked to do when she wasn't taking care of her son. Hearing it here, it was more than just a pretty voice. It comforted him when he was sad, like on the day he thought he almost lost King after the second time he tried walking him alone. It soothed him when he was very young and terrified of a dream he had that a big mean oak tree was running after him and would explode if it reached him. Long story, don't ask. It kept him calm when he got into tussles with bullies at school, when she told him to talk it out and use his words. And each and every time he saw her do something he knew she did often, but always took for granted until then. The way she would always touch his head, how she would stroke his hair, or give him a kiss on his forehead, and whatever bad feelings ailing him would vanish in an instant. Her voice was a gentle, guiding song. It all but raised him to be the boy he was and who he was meant to be. Then the movie ended. Ness waited out of the Grapefruit Falls and sat by the pink water's edge. Whereas the first sandstone experience was a pleasant, if a little silly, vision of something he enjoyed, this one was a full detail reenactment of his mother and his beloved friend King. Ness found it far from comforting, especially after the euphoric swim in the Great Fruit Falls. It was instead a harsh reminder of something from which he was hopelessly far away. And worse, if the disastrous fight against the slime monster was any indication, something he could lose at any time. Ness knew he had to put on his socks and sneakers and get going, but he didn't. He sat by the grapefruit falls and sighed, defeated, so much that he even doubted that another quick dip in the miraculous pink waters would help. His Mr. Saturn guide snuggled beside him, the way a pet cat or dog would do the same. Even without his arms, it felt to Ness just as good as a hug from a friend.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

I do. I really do.

Garrett McMahon 23:00

Just like the first time, several hours went by with Ness in the sanctuary spot before he finally rejoined Paula and Jeff, who were passing the time by, respectively, listening to an orchestra put on by the Mistress Saturns with sounds just as bizarre as the instruments they came from, and reading up on a scientific journal whose text was all circles, triangles, and spirals, and which of course was all quite comprehensible. Hey Ness, did you see anything? Maybe more steak Oh, um no, just you know, weird alien stuff. Ness's two friends noticed his glum demeanor, more than they had encountered out of him thus far. But before any of them could put a comforting hand on his shoulder and say, Come on, Ness, what's the matter? Don't worry, you can tell us. We're your friends, after all. A thundering fanfare of brass and violins filled the air.

SPEAKER_02 24:05

Photos taken instantaneously I am a photographic genius if I don't say so myself Oh what's all this then?

Garrett McMahon 24:20

Ness sighed, looking to the viewfinder and holding up two fingers without even bothering to smile. We don't know yet, but if you look at the camera and say fuzzy pickles, he'll go away. Jeff shrugged a good win in room shrug and said as much to the photographer man.

SPEAKER_02 24:39

Wow what a great photograph it will always bring back the fondest of memories.

A Traffic Jam in the Dusty Dunes Desert

Garrett McMahon 24:51

As the photographer man floated back into the air from whence he came, a Mr. Saturn approached the kids, holding a platter with three hot mugs of well, they did call it tea, but it was for sure the most hot neon pink tea the children had ever seen. Ah now you're really speaking my language. Can't say when was the last time I had a good kapa. As Jeff eagerly accepted his cup and Paula did the same with a little less gusto, Ness hesitated, which again drew the attention of the others. I don't know. I don't really uh drink tea. Ness, it's atrocious manners to refuse one's hospitality. I'd swallow it down and think of Eagle Land if I were you. Cheers. Jeff took the last cup and all but shoved it in Ness's hands. They all clinked their mugs and took a sip. The tea glided along their tongues and into their stomachs hot but smooth, and the same warm tingly feeling that Ness felt in the grapefruit falls hit them in an instant. They saw the whole rainbow swirling around them. The kids themselves, the Mr. Saturn's, the whole Saturn village, all emitted a kaleidoscope of new reds, oranges, yellows, greens, blues, pinks, and purples. Pretty soon, even recognizable shapes and things vanished, and all their perception was a spiral of wild colors. The next thing they knew, the three kids were just outside Threed, in fact, right beside the hint booth hippie. I guess you can only find the Saturn village when you're not really looking for it. And once you do, then just like a wonderful dream, just when you think it couldn't get any better, it's gone before you even know it. Huh. I guess so. Thanks, hippie. Without a word, the hippie placed a small, closed sign on the booth and walked away. Ness, Paula, and Jeff likewise turned from the booth and headed toward town, where they were greeted by the immediate upshot of their earlier adventures. The sun was out. It was a brand new, beautiful summer day in Threed, and its people were finally out and about enjoying themselves. Backyards were full of barbecues and sun tanning ladies and kids running through sprinklers and cannonballing into pools, and a massive summer parade marched through town on the main thoroughfare. The circus tent, once the epicenter of a sinister conspiracy, once again became a place of joy and excitement, and even gained a few roller coasters and ferris wheels and carnival stands for its trouble. The good people of Threed would never meet the saviors of their town, but they were deeply grateful for the favor all the same. The children took in the contagious joy of the town for the day, spent the night at a hotel, which funny enough was already Halloween themed long before the zombie invasion, and then made their way to the bus station for the next leg of their adventure. Ness and Jeff waited in line for tickets, as Ness's dad was going to pay for them after all. As Ness advanced further toward the booth, he noticed Jeff jotting down notes in a threed postcard. Hey, what you doing, Jeff? Oh, just writing a dear friend of mine back home. Oh, well that's nice of you. Yes, he's quite fond of me. The fact that I had to go on leave for so long in this little world saving jaunt was a terrible blow for him. He doesn't really have anyone else to say. I'm getting a postcard from every place where to visit to show him where I've been and that I'm still quick with life, as it were. Though of course I may play the part of Caesar and Gull and embellish our exploits a bit, you understand. Say you're not gonna tell him I um when we fought that monster and say no more, old boy. Your secret is safe with me. Meanwhile, Paula was off at a nearby convenience kiosk, procuring snacks for the road and refilling their canteens with water bottles. As she was ringing up her haul, a newspaper caught her eye, a fluff piece about the newly elected mayor of Forsyth, Gildegard Monatoli. Two mayors so far had preceded him in the huge coastal metropolis' highest political office, and all were ousted due to rampant corruption and unforgivable scandals. But Monatoli, the handsomest, most charismatic, and not to mention wealthiest candidate the city had seen in years, was going to make big changes in Foreside. There he was, young, good looking, hopelessly affluent, grinning ear to ear on the front page, surrounded by nearly everything in his mayoral office covered in gold, as he promised a new era of transparency and governmental efficiency and fiscal responsibility. And then she saw it, nearly choking on her lemon lime soda pop when she did. It was hard to spot among all the other gold junk surrounding the man, but it was there plain as day. Furious, she grabbed a copy of the paper and slammed it on the counter. Finally, it was Ness's turn to get tickets. But once he took out his wallet, and before he had a chance to give the man his dad's credit card, Paula arrived, snatched the card from his hand, and gave it to the ticket seller herself. Three one way tickets to Foreside. Jeff sat between Ness and Paula on the bus, who the two boys could plainly see was quite upset about something, who knows what, but really ticked off. More than Ness had ever seen, and especially Jeff, having only known her for the past couple days. Neither of them said a word to each other, and Ness wondered if the trip to Forside could get any worse. It certainly could. The driver stopped the bus and stood up to address the passengers. Traffic jam, everyone. No cars moving for a hundred miles up ahead. I'm turning this bus around. You can get off here or go back to Threed. What choice did they have? They got off the bus and watched it drive away in the opposite direction, completely free of traffic. Already miserable, now they had to bear their company with no transportation, no air conditioning, and not even close to enough water in their canteens to walk a hundred miles through the Segwaro filled, dusty dunes desert. Paula walked down the highway along the line of jammed cars, and Ness and Jeff struggled to keep her pace. If she was angry before, now Ness was starting to feel the same, with poor Jeff literally stuck in the middle of them. Was she crazy? Making them walk a thousand miles in the hot desert? And for what? Why were they going to Foresight? Who did this bossy girl think she was? An hour had gone by since they got off the bus, and the canteens were now empty. Ness had dumped most of his onto a wet towel he kept on his head, which, since it remained wet for about ten minutes under the desert sun, in hindsight was maybe not the best idea. And there were still cars, cars deadlocked on the highway up to the horizon, all of them relentlessly honking their horns and shouting to the car ahead of them to move it already. So, um it might not be any of my business, but um but I couldn't help but notice how neither of you have spoken in the last um Ness shouted and slammed his backpack and bat onto the ground. Nuts! Look at that! It goes on forever and Foresight is like a thousand miles away. More like two hundred, but yes. We haven't even reached the five mile marker yet. We've probably only walked about three so far, I'd guess. Three? Well, we can't stop and stay here forever. We have to get to Foresight. Paula turned her back on the boys and kept walking, but this time Ness did not follow. Why, Paula? Why? Why are we going to Foreside? What are we all doing here? Who is Gigas? What does he look like? What does he want? Why do I have this stupid rock? What does it do? Why did a talking bug tell me I have to save the world with you? Why don't you tell me something for once? If this is such an important mission, why can't someone just explain one thing to me normally? Why does everything have to be so weird and so stupid? Ness punctuated each word of his last question with a kick on his backpack. Paula watched Ness's outburst with folded arms and pursed lips, waiting for him to finish. When it looked like he did, she took out the newspaper she had bought in three. Fine. I'll start with your first question. We're going to Foresight because of you. She threw the thing at Ness hard, and it landed flat on the ground, front page side up. Ness took in the picture of Mayor Monatoli and, unlike Paula, spotted it immediately. There it was, taking pride of place in the man's glitzy mayoral office, the evil demon statue from Tucson, not only not even close to being smashed to bits, but indeed, all things considered in excellent condition. Much of Nessa's anger deflated at the sight of that hateful object and was instead replaced with abject shame.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

I told you to smash that statue. Now that man is going to use it to do something horrible to those people, just like it did to my hometown.

Garrett McMahon 35:45

Now we have to go waste our time and foresight so you can actually destroy it this time. And you lied to me. I'm I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 35:55

I tried to you tried. How do you try to smash something with a bat? Did it get up and run away? It's bad enough you tried to give away the sandstone, but this is ridiculous.

Garrett McMahon 36:08

Listen, you don't understand. No, you don't understand. This isn't a game, Ness. The fate of the whole world is at stake, and you're acting like a child. This was more than Ness could take. It was the worst scolding he had ever gotten in his life, worse than even his parents were capable. And it was all at the hands of a no good bossy girl. The lion in Ness's heart, once let out back at Threed, now roared. Well maybe it is. Maybe it is all a game. Maybe it's some weird vision you put in my head just to drag me out of my house because you need the attention. Miss Nobody likes me. When Paula was merely angry before, this side of Ness truly hurt her feelings, though she did the best she could to hide it with only the tiniest gasp. You stop it right there. Well where I'm Paula. I'm so weird and no one likes me. Boo hoo hoo. Gee whiz, I wonder why. I'm warning you, not another word. Or what? You'll set me on fire with your mind? Is that what you do when you don't get your own way? Oh no wonder they had to lock you up in a cage. No wonder your dad hates you. Before either Ness or Paula realized it, Paula's open hand snapped out and smacked Ness right in the face. As Ness reeled from the blow, Paula approached him, put the tips of all ten fingers around his head, and let her eyes turn blank white. The world around Ness vanished, and in its place was a small town. A swarm of alien UFOs swooped from the sky and fired beams that leveled the small houses in an instant. Terrified townsfolk ran away as alien creatures marched over the ashes of their home. Hundreds of them, humanoid, liquid metallic, their black visors with no eyes, their telepathic voices screeching directly into your brain. A sight Ness was all too familiar with, just like that horrible alien creature that first attacked him at the meteor in Wanette. Only now there was more than one, and in different shapes and colors, one with sharp spikes on its shoulders, the obvious leader of them all, the Starmen. They attacked a fleeing people with frightening blasts of energy and light from their minds, just like before. Other aliens swarmed around the ruined town, a mess of tentacles and three bloodshot eyes, mooks, they were called, howling with laughter and pure malice as they wrapped other victims in their long sucker pocked arms and dangled them in the air for fun. Hundreds of robots, robotic starmen, robotic mini flying saucers, and tentacled octobots reeked further mayhem with laser beams and bombs. And in the middle of it all was the mad general of the invasion, the Genghis Khan of the great alien horde. It was him, huge, terrifying, indescribable, even as Ness laid direct eyes upon him. The destroyer of worlds. Gigas. The vision finally mercifully ended. Ness screamed and staggered back, falling onto the sandy ground. It's oneette, isn't it? It's where you live. Paula's anger in that moment seemed to fade, replaced by a certain pity for her friend, who spent a long while just kneeling on the ground, too shell-shocked to move or speak. We have to fight That Paula could only give Ness a sad nod yes.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

I I can't I can't fight.

Garrett McMahon 40:00

Like that He put up a valiant effort to hold them back, but in the end he lost. He sobbed hard right in front of his new friends. He could hardly even remember the last time he cried, let alone to anyone other than his parents, but nonetheless there he was, letting his tears flow full steam ahead.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

The statue got into my head. It called me a stupid boy playing with my toys. It could see everything I was afraid of. It said that I'd fail, then I'll die. Then I'll never see my mom and dad again, or my friends or my dog.

Garrett McMahon 40:45

Why did the stone pick me? I'm useless.

SPEAKER_00 40:49

You can do so many things with your mind, Paula, and you can build anything you can think of, Jeff, but but I can't do anything. I can't do anything. The last thing my mom said to me was I'm a strong, brave boy, but I'm not. I know I'm not. I'm so scared.

Garrett McMahon 41:13

As Ness sputtered and wept, and Paula stood by stunned. It was Jeff of all people who made the first move, after feeling quite ineffectual himself during the whole spat. He sat down beside Ness and put his arm around his shoulder. There there, don't fret now. He reached into his blazer pocket and took out a white handkerchief, embroidered with J A in blue stitching, because well of course he had a set of personal handkerchiefs embroidered with his initials, and gave one to Ness. Without really knowing what to do with it, but also seeing them in cartoons before, he wiped his face off and blew his nose with it like a tissue. There you are. There's a good lad. There's lovely. Jeff squeezed his arm tighter around Ness, who was surprised how much it helped cheer him up. Even Paula sat down at his other side and did the same for him, and soon enough the tears began to fade. I'm scared too, Ness. I'd see that vision every night and wake up screaming. My pa would say it's just a nightmare, but I knew it was real.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

Only one thing kept me going back then. I knew that one day I'd meet you and you, Jeff. And one more boy.

Ness Calls His Mother

Garrett McMahon 42:33

It's going to be hard, but I know we can do it if we just stick together. She's right, old boy. I told you I'm your man to the bitter end, and I meant it. Ness stayed on the ground for a while with his new friends beside him, comforting him, and felt much better. After the last sniffles and gasps left Ness's body, he rose to his feet and looked to Paula and Jeff. Thanks, guys. I don't know if I can do this, but I'll try. I'll give it everything I've got. I promise. I um I'm sorry I said those mean things to you, Paula. Um I'm sorry I hit you. Well, only kinda. Of all the places they sought just a sliver of hope to get them through this latest hardship, they were probably not expecting to find it in a mariachi band. Yes, there they were, three men standing beside the road, their touring van as good and jammed as all the other cars, taking the setback in stride, sharing their music with anyone within earshot, and hoping it would make their ordeal just a little easier to endure. And all in several thick layers of black velvet suits in the desert sun. The kids introduced themselves to the three men who warmedly welcomed the children to their impromptu audience, and introduced themselves as Jorge Washington on the guitar, Juan Adams on percussion, and the band leader, Tomas Jefferson on the trumpet slash the violin, who assured the children that while the names were purely coincidental, they nonetheless were fated in life to meet and form the world-class band, the Founding Padres. They offered to refill the children's canteens and give Jeff, who was more accustomed to the biting cold of winters and therefore pretty much always dressed for it, a wet towel for his head. They then played two of their biggest charting hits on the mariachi billboards, Yanose Kehase Kanea, and of course, Bravo Bravo, Nadite Pueda Igualar. Of course, the children could understand absolutely not a single word spoken or sung by the band, lacking the magnificent glossolalia spoken by the mistressed Saturns, but then again, you don't need so many words to understand good music when you hear it. Ness, Paula, and Jeff were already grateful for the pleasant break from the long walk down the road, but amazingly, at the end of the band's second catchy tune, the jam began to disperse, and cars were slowly but surely coasting down the road. Well, would you look at that? You see, Ness, we told you. You weren't always going to be stuck in the Tutoberg forest. Yes, old boy, things are finally coming up, Trajan against the Dacians now. The children did their best to explain where they were headed to the band, who understood Foresight as well as anybody. As the Padres scrambled to pack their instruments into their van, still parked in the middle of the road, they motioned to the children toward their vehicle as if to say, Hop in. Overjoyed, they profusely thanked the gentleman musicians and duly hopped in. Before they knew it, the founding Padres' little van that could reached the world-famous bright red suspension bridge that led travelers like themselves to the gigantic coastal metropolis of Forside. The children once again thanked the Padres to no end for their kindness, to which they repeated Denada, Denada, with a warm smile and a wave as they drove off and left them at the bus station. Before heading into the big city, Ness asked for one favor from his friends, which they heartily granted him. He ran to a payphone, plunked a quarter into the slot, and dialed a number. Hello? Mom, it's me. Ness. Oh, it's so good to hear from you. How are you, sweetie? I'm okay. How are you doing? Just fine. I'm giving King a bath now. Say hi to Ness, King. Ness heard a bark through the receiver. Hiya, King. Mom, I'm in foresight right now. Can you believe it? I've seen so many crazy things since I left. And how is it all going, your journey? It's um it's pretty hard sometimes, but I'm trying. And I have friends with me. My friend Jeff, he can invent anything. He has these like laser guns and rockets that blow stuff up. And my friend Paula, she can do things with her mind. She can set things on fire, move things around, read people's minds. A girl with telekinesis and telepathy, huh? How interesting. Yeah, they're so cool. I'm gonna invite them home when this is over so you can meet them. That's good. I'm glad you're doing well, and that you're safe. I'd love to hear more of your stories when you come back. I have an idea. I'll send you postcards. Everywhere I go, I'll send you a new one. That way you'll know I'm okay. I like that very much.

SPEAKER_00 48:44

Hey mom, I I really miss you. I know, sweetie. I miss you too.

Thank you for listening!

Garrett McMahon 48:54

Okay, well till next time. Till next time. Ness hung up the phone, took a deep breath, wiped away a single tear before it could bring any friends along or get any other funny ideas, and ran to meet up with his two friends in the grand coastal metropolis of Forsythe. You've been listening to the podcast against Geigas. The Podcast Against Geigas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige Sato Itoi, with production by William Pulowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.