In Which Our Hero Walks on the Dark Side of the Moon

Welcome… to Moonside!

Ness drinks the coffee, and finds himself in a spooky inversion of the big city of Fourside. Dodging monsters and wacky townspeople alike, Ness frantically heads closer and closer to the demon statue. Meanwhile, poor Jeff is still stuck in the real world, and it’s up to him to keep Ness’s body safe while his friend’s consciousness wanders around the neon nightmare world. And that’s a tall order in itself, what with Ness stumbling into heavy traffic, a security system full of deadly robots, and ugh, PORKY!!!

Will Jeff save the day at the top of the Monotoli building? Will Ness ever find a man in a Hawaiian t-shirt drinking a Mai-Tai to successfully teleport him to a man with a unibrow and a gold tooth so he can get in before the melting Dali clocks make him take the math test again and again for the rest of his life? Will, uh… will that last one make a little more sense in context?

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

It’s The Podcast Against Giygas!

Garrett McMahon 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Gaigo. Episode eight, in which our hero walks on the dark side of the moon. Meanwhile, back in the moon's side, Ness figured he might as well leave the dreary cafe. The patrons on his side of the city just as unfriendly looking as on the other side. He grabbed Jeff by the sleeve. Come on you big lug, let's get out of here. Jeff let Ness drag him forward by the sleeve with no resistance, his gait a slow, sleepwalking lurch, his arms hanging limp below his shoulders. Ness exited the cafe and gasped at the sight of the open streets of moonside, everything black with flashes of white, everything a film negative with thick black backgrounds and grumpy people with silver white faces, and around the jagged contours of the eternal dark city were streaks of red and green and yellow flashing neon light. More animated than any of the people in the city were the various objects and detritus around them. Sinister fire hydrants glared and growled at Ness. A pack of ornery gas pumps twirled their nozzles like cowboys holstering smoking pistols. Though the Monatoli building was only up the block, to Ness it was as good as a million miles away. Meanwhile, back at Foreside, Jeff saw, to his horror, Ness walking out of the cafe on his own volition, muttering the same nonsense as before, his gait a herky jerky step that suggested an alien trying out legs for the first time, and failing miserably at using the elbows as well as the knees. Ness, wait for me. He bolted out of the cafe in hot pursuit of his friend, who was making a beeline to the Monotoly building. If I may be frank, I think my yogurt plan is better than whatever this is. Grimbo, splackserx weep lundi brimbax Right, well, be that as it may. God man, look out! You're walking right into Jeff gasped, flinched back, and covered his eyes and mouth as frantic horns, screeching tires, and curses he never heard before invaded his ears. When the noise finally faded, he peeked his eye through a slit he made with his fingers. Heavy traffic. Meanwhile, back in the moonside, Ness dragged Jeff toward the imposing building, pushing through the dozens of moonside townfolk, donning their regular workday clown suits, space suits, nuns' habits, and wizard's gowns, and who, unlike the adults he encountered in Foresight, paid him much more attention, waving and smiling with a welcome to moonside, or hissing a welcome to moonside moonside. The boys stayed on the sidewalk and avoided the unruly street creatures, and upon approaching the great doors of the building were stopped by Monitoli's chief of security, wearing a neatly pressed white sailor's uniform. You want to get in? Um yes, please. Then beat it, kid. The sailor shoved Ness away and let in some other folks through the revolving doors instead. Miffed, but undeterred, Ness approached the man once again. You wanna get in? Yes. Then scram Once again the sailor shoved Ness away. Ness was thankfully at the bright young age where when something didn't work for him the first two times, he could at least try to come up with a different way of approaching a task the third time. You want to get in No Well fine by me, but I'm not letting you in unless you're with a big guy with a unibrow and a gold tooth. So this was the way of the moonside. Yes is no, down is up, right is left, and right is all wrong. Ness turned away from the line and faced Jeff, who was not getting any more responsive since the cafe. All right, Jeff, it's easy. We just gotta find a big guy with a unibrow and a gold tooth to let us into Gosh, what am I saying? Meanwhile, back at Foreside, Ness hobbled along through the lobby of the Monotoli building, Jeff nearby to keep him from trouble or from certain death alike, and both of them soon found themselves before the main elevator that they had only an hour ago been on before. Jeff helpfully pushed the call button and the doors opened, where a liveried operator awaited them. I say, don't you work the cash machine at a cafe down the block? I have to work three jobs to get by. Don't ask what my third job is. What floor, boys? Schmumbil flacka whoapin boppin' saga walkin' bomba flaps Um he said the penthouse floor, good man, if you would please be so kind. The penthouse floor is off limits. Mr Monitoli is not seeing anyone at this time. So you say now. But perhaps if I could convince you to look the other way, there'd be great rewards in it for you. Say a lifetime supply of trout flavoured yogurt. Eh? Eh? Jeff gave the operator a sly smile and gently elbowed him in the waist, as that was as far up as Jeff's elbows could reach. The operator stared at the boys, then the dozens of buttons on the switchboard for each and every one of the building's forty eight floors, and sighed. Can we skip to the part where I grow old and die? Meanwhile, back in the moonside, Ness figured the best place to procure a big unibrowed and gold toothed companion was the same way one gets anything else, at one of the numerous boutique shops lining the downtown street. And there it was. The unibrowed gold toothed man's big and tall of Moonside. Ness approached the countertop and rang the bell, where a sharp dressed salesman approached. The man bore a fantastic eyebrow that ran along his forehead in a single line like the great wall of China visible from space. But his smile unfortunately revealed a set of fine ivory dentures. Hello, I'd like I mean, I don't want one unibrowed gold-toothed man, please. Ah, splendid. I do have plenty in stock, as you can see. Ness took a look at the shelves, and it was true they were fresh out. Ah, nuts. Do you know where I can get one somewhere else? Yes, I know exactly where there are others available. Ah, nuts. Did you try asking a man in a Hawaiian shirt drinking a Mai Thai? Not many people here know that men wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking Mai Ties can teleport anywhere they want to. Hmm. Yes, I did try that. I knew Hawaiian shirt wearing men drinking Mai Ties could teleport for as long as I've been alive. Thanks for the suggestion, sir. A Hawaiian shirt wearing man drinking a Mai Thai entered the shop. Hello and goodbye. Ness and Jeff were teleported to the official moonside Hawaiian shirt wearing men drinking Mai Ties Convention. The crowd all stopped their conversations and stared at the two boys. Hello and goodbye. Every single Hawaiian shirt wearing man drinking a Mai Thai vanished, leaving the boys stranded and alone in the Hawaiian shirt wearing men drinking Mai Tais Convention, all except one man, who, Ness noted, had a lovely row of gold teeth, but sadly two distinct bushy caterpillar-like eyebrows. Excuse me, sir, I really, really don't need to get sent to a man with a unibrow and a gold tooth. It's not a matter of life and death at all. The man shouted and clenched both fists at the boys, who gasped and flinched backwards. The only place I'm not gonna send you boys is the hospital. The next thing they knew, the boys were in the waiting room of a hospital, with the Hawaiian shirt wearing man drinking a Mai Thai standing by with a smile. Here we are. This is not the Saint Mungo Jerry Memorial Hospital of Moonside, as promised. And goodbye. Ness approached the front desk nurse, who was a big burly man with a huge single eyebrow all across his forehead, and whose smile glistened with one gold canine tooth. Excuse me, sir, we really don't want to get into the Monotoli building. Can you help us? Yes. But why, sir? Because I like the look of you. You aren't the most irritating little spoiled brats I've ever seen in my life.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

I will come with you if you want me to. Who said that? Certainly not me, his identical twin brother. I don't look a thing like him, let alone exactly like him.

Garrett McMahon 9:21

Ness and Jeff looked around the hospital's waiting room, but could not find another soul that fit the description of identical to the big burly man with a unibrow and gold tooth.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Over here. Everyone can see me perfectly. It's not as though I conducted a bunch of science experiments years ago that made me completely transparent to light.

Meanwhile, back in Fourside...

Garrett McMahon 9:43

Oh, you're not invisible, huh? Well, that should be a deal breaker for the sailor guarding the door, as long as you definitely do not have a unibrow and a go, oh my gosh, what am I talking about? Meanwhile, back in Foreside, Ness effortlessly climbed up the very top of the stairs of the Monotoli building, with Jeff only a few floors behind him. They were alone and safe on the stairwell because think about it, who on earth would be so crazy as to scale sixty-eight floors of a skyscraper from top to bottom on foot? After reaching the top floor with Ness safely by his side, Jeff collapsed onto the stairwell floor, wheezing in deep breaths. I hope you'll quite proud of yourself. Oh boy. It took Jeff a couple minutes to recover from the ascent, but he did all the same and rose to his feet. The door leading to the floor from the stairwell was predictably locked, which, thanks to Jeff, was no big obstacle at all. His machine that opens most locked doors, especially when you have a slightly bent key and portable unlimited trout flavored yogurt dispenser, made short work of the door, and the boys entered the penthouse floor. Right, we have to plan our next move carefully. It's not as though Caesar knew he was going to win when he crossed the Rubicon after all. Hmm, a grid of invisible triplas that activate who knows what ghastly security systems. Primitive, but effective nonetheless. Horgum Schmill a little bang a wangam ps Jeff poured into his rucksack and failed to see Ness wander off. Yes, yes, bang a wanghams and all that. Just a moment. I think I have a few countermeasures for this blasted Ness Ness Oh dear. Jeff rose to his feet and sighed, resigned to what was going to happen next. You'll you're going to walk right into that laser grid, aren't you? Meanwhile, back in Foresight, the patrons and employees of the nearby cafe carried on much the same way that they did when the two strange boys came in and ordered a cup of black coffee between them both. A third strange boy walked in, who seemed even grumpier than any of the adults sipping their beverages and getting mad at the newspapers. He was a boy from Delam, maybe, with a long black braid going down to his back being the only hair that covered his bald head. The boy approached the counter like an especially notorious cowboy entering the saloon, and he had the same effect on the baristas and patrons. Keeping an intense glare fixed on the register man, he pointed to the menu, then to the countertop, as if to say, one of those, here, right now. Somehow the barista knew exactly what on the menu he ordered, and the boy responded by flipping five big coins in the air, all of which landed in the barista's hands, all of which, the man was later defined, was exact change with a generous twenty percent tip. The boy was served his drink and he took one sip. The colors around the room began to fade, as if leaking out of what was once a black and white room. The pleasant music began to warble and distort, as if whatever it was that made music itself pleasurable was evaporating away in the hot sun. So this is it, the black wicked moonside of the city, the boy thought as he dumped the remainder of his drink in the garbage, slid the empty cup on the countertop, and left as casually as he came in. Meanwhile, back in the moonside, Ness easily gained entry to the Monotoly building after duly presenting his invisible big burly man with a unibrow and gold tooth to the faithful sailor guarding the doors. Now it was time to infiltrate the deeper workings of the mayor's sinister operations, and with any luck, ascend to that highest, fifty eighth floor. He dragged Jeff along and saw hundreds of Monatoly employees busy at work. The workers would glance at the clocks on the wall to see when their breaks were due, or maybe when they could punch out for the day. But unfortunately, every single clock in the office was a dolly clock, which melted into a thick goop on the floor whenever anyone looked at one. It was impossible to tell the time, which meant it was impossible to leave. A pack of feral dolly clocks saw Ness and Jeff and slithered from the walls, splashed onto the floor, and swarmed the boys like a pack of rats. Ness grabbed Jeff and ran away, but one clock pounced and bit him on the ankle. As he saw the other slippery clocks gaining on the boys, and as he frantically tried to kick the thing off his leg, Ness could feel the dolly clock's horrible effects start to take hold. Oh no, he was late. Homeroom was going to start any minute, and there he was messing around in the Monatoli building. That must be why he had a perfect zero grade in math class. He'll have to stay in school for twenty more years to make up that class. Ness kicked the pharaoh clock off his leg just in time and ran away from the others, barricading himself and Jeff in a nearby room with a door helpfully ajar. This appeared to be Monatoli's private art collection, but to Ness's dismay, every painting in the room was a great mural of an exact duplication of the room. It was hard for Ness to see which of the great walls led to the room's door, and which was a treacherous canvas that merely mimicked the room. He anxiously studied the four walls, and ruling out the two with paintings that had teeth and eyes, and were even now rattling themselves off their hooks to devour the two boys, he picked a door and entered, slamming it behind the wild paintings just in time. He found himself in the exact same room. Dang it. He entered another door, only to find his situation unchanged. Again, he entered a door to find it led to the same room. He looked behind him and saw a painting of himself in the room, trying a door, like the trick one does where if you hold up a mirror in front of a mirror, you can see infinite duplications of yourself. Ness, keeping count, walked through 178 doors before he started to think that maybe he took a wrong turn somewhere. It did no favors to his courage when he saw, looking ahead, infinite mirror copies of himself in a painting, this time running around in circles with a cackle, hitting himself on the head with a mallet and blubbering his lips with a finger, like he saw in cartoons when someone does when they have well and good lost their marbles. Ness scrambled back and forth around the room as Jeff looked on, still slackjawed and catatonic, a state which Ness was at once fearful he would very soon become, and at the same time envious of in its comparable serenity. Okay, stay calm, Nest. I've gone through 278 doors so far, so I have to go through the difference at the quotient permutation of negative five over a radical nine and a half. Carry the one up to the hundreds, and according to Pemdas, they should arrive at the station at the same time and oh no, I forgot to show my work!

SPEAKER_00 17:11

I'm gonna fail the math test! I'm gonna be in math class for the rest of my life.

Ness Smashes the Statue with His Bat

Garrett McMahon 17:16

And then a tap on his shoulder made Ness turn around, and the sinister art gallery disappeared all at once. In its place was the stranger, the mysterious Dolomese boy, frowning and folding his arms. By rote, he put out his open hand one more time. Meanwhile, back in Foresight, Jeff watched helplessly as Ness sauntered deeper into the halls of the Monotoly penthouse floor, the incessant clanging of the security system certainly oppressing his ears, if not Ness's. Panels in the walls and corners of the hallways opened and revealed the building's defenses, deadly metal robots on tank treads with laser beams and buzzsaws, floating spinning saucers wielding razor blades and death rays, even the mechanical octobots that walked on its eight legs and arms and floated in the air. Well, if it's a game of lemmings we had to play. As dire as the situation was, something sparked in Jeff's heart upon seeing the great arsenal of robot death that was akin to a strange kind of joy. Most of the foes he had encountered so far were either human or else freakish amalgamations of puke. In other words, foes in which it was either unethical or else ineffective for him to use the great arsenal of his own. Not to mention that while that googly-eyed freak certainly was a worthy foe, it, rather unsportsmanlike, took away his spectacles. But here was a mechanical deadly force, right at his fingertips. He couldn't wait to open his rucksack, take out the dual laser guns and extensive collection of bottle rockets, and see what those babies could do. Warning, surrender immediately. We are authorized to use lethal force. What luck? So am I. The robots attacked, and Jeff returned fire of his own, with both laser pistols blazing. As Ness wandered through the halls, apparently oblivious to the chaos around him, just like a well, a lemming, Jeff made sure that his friend was safe by any means necessary, jumping, running, sliding, and pirouetting in fine form in front of and behind his friend as he blasted robot after robot with heavy laser fire and constant bombardment of radio-controlled bottle rockets. The way Jeff carried on, you would have never guessed that back in Snowwood boarding school, the Andonuts boy only got half marks in physical education. And then there they were. The doors to the inner sanctum itself, plated in such prominent gold lettering you couldn't miss it if you tried your darndest. The private offices of Geldegard Monatoli, the man of the seventy eighth floor himself. Ness, as if lucid for the first time since sipping the fatal cup of Coffee, made a beeline toward the great doors, and Jeff duly followed behind, blasting robots to clear the way. That's far enough, Dweebs. Unfortunately, while Mr. Monatoli was most likely behind those doors, it transpired that the only one in front of them was none other than the man on the seventy-seventh floor. His new political advisor and right hand man pulling the strings behind the curtain, Mr. Porky Minch himself. Mr. Porky Minch, that is, and about fifty robots behind him, absolutely loaded for bear. Porky regarded his arsenal behind him, pretending to count on his fingers. Hmm, let's see. One, two, three Yup, I'd say you're outnumbered. Jeff shrugged, took out his remote control. It fired a rocket, which then Jeff steered in mid-air, and, after pressing one more button, split into dozens of other rockets. Porky watched in dizzying horror as rocket after rocket buzzed around the hallway and met its target, blowing up robot after robot, and littering the floor with metal detritus and flooding the place with the overpowering scent of exploded fireworks. Porky looked at Jeff with a nervous gulp, who flashed him a smug smile. I have two laser pistols. How many do you have again? Porky stammered, then put up a finger as if to retort, before giving up on the matter and running away about faced with a pathetic whimper. Jeff smiled and waved bye bye. Ness backed away frowning at the Dolomese boy, who once again was trying to mooch off his soundstone. No! We already told you before, you can't have it! Now I have to go statue Paula's smash and save Mr. Monitoli. The other boy raised an eyebrow at this, and Ness sheepishly looked off to the side. You know what I mean. Now go away, I don't need your help. Ness sharply turned away, then screamed as he faced the latest horror Moonside had to offer. A gigantic coffee mug. The black liquid spilled and gurgled out of the thing, and a horrible coffee monster emerged, with goopy jaws, bloodshot eyes, and coffee limbs that it used to drag itself amoeba-like toward the terrified boy, its cup dragging behind him like a mollusk's shell. Wait! I need your help! I need your help. The coffee monster hissed out a laugh as it crept closer to Nest.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

It's too late, little boy. You drink the coffee. Now you're trapped in here forever.

Garrett McMahon 23:19

Now you're a grown-up. Now get to work. The beast swung its coffee limbs at Ness, who swung his bat in defense, which ineffectively coursed through the liquid as baseball bats usually do through water. The Dolamese boy sauntered to the monster's porcelain container, whistling as he kicked at the thing with his toe. Ness spotted a tiny chip fall off the mug where the other boy kicked, and getting the idea faster than the other boy expected, he made a break toward the cup and wailed on it with his bat. The cup shattered to pieces and spilled the beast onto the floor, howling in agony all the while until it was nothing but a big brown stain on the carpet. That was close. Now I have to find this stupid statue. If you really want to help, maybe we can join forces and scope out exactly where this thing is hiding somewhere in the the other boy rolled his eyes and thumbed off to his side. Ness looked, and there it was. Not only the doors leading to the Monatoli penthouse suite, but right in front of them the evil and imposing golden demon statue itself. Oh there it is. Thanks. It radiated a sinister negative energy of deep purple and dull yellow gold, and it gave Ness goosebumps whenever he gave it a look. Ness stood by and did nothing for a while, which caused the boy to motion toward the thing. What? The boy sighed, making a more oblique gesture to Ness and then the statue. What are you saying? I I I don't The boy grumbled. He pointed to Ness's bat, then wildly gesticulated toward the statue. I don't understand. What are you? The boy shouted through his clenched teeth. He made a great effort at play acting, picking up Ness's bat, walking with slow lurching steps to the statue, then swinging his make believe stick at it again and again. Ness watched the whole performance curiously, stroking his chin. Oh, you want me to smash the statue with my bat. The boy groaned, slapped his own forehead, and dragged his palm all the way down his face. Nonetheless, Ness got the picture. He timidly approached the glowing thing and held his bat aloft, as good as on home plate back at the diamond in the park at Winette. He inched closer and closer, and just when he was well within bat reach of the evil statue, he hesitated. The voice whispered in his head once again. Ness.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

You fail. You stupid boy, you have no idea what you're up against, starve. Destroy entire worlds. You're worthless. Fail. Go home. You mommy, cry baby. I'll kill them. All right in front of you.

Garrett McMahon 26:16

The shrill, raspy voices of a hundred bullies crawled into Ness's ear and scratched around like the legs of itchy bugs in his brain. Ness flinched at the voices and took small steps away from the statue, lowering his weapon. Taking a moment, he vigorously shook his head around, then picked up the bat and stepped closer. I can do it for Paula! I can do it for Paula. I'll kill your friends first.

SPEAKER_02 26:42

Then I'll kill your mother and your father. Then destroy your whole world. And make you watch you, stupid, quiet, cowardly boy.

Thank you for listening!

Garrett McMahon 26:56

Just like before, Ness was frozen in place, struggling to keep back the coming tears, let alone muster the Herculean strength to pick up his bat. But unlike before, he was not alone. Before he realized it, he felt the other boy standing behind him, grasping his bat by the hilt and helping him lift it. The other boy guided Ness close enough to the statue, then, with both boys holding and swinging the bat together, Ness, with a war cry of fury, brought his weapon down on the horrible statue. It didn't exactly explode into smithereens, but Ness's blow did knock the thing over and topple it to the floor. Upon impact, it shattered into big chunks of marble, the cheap gilding flaking off at the cracks. Those cracks spread along the statue, and to Nessa's surprise, from outside of it and through the floor, Ness gasped and looked around for his strange companion who was now gone. The cracks grew and grew, spreading along the walls, through the walls, through the windows, and engulfing the whole world around Ness. The broken statue eventually created a huge fissure of Ness's entire perception that shattered the entire nightmare world of the moonside. Back and forth, Jeff and Ness found themselves before the great doors of the Monotoly penthouse office. They looked each other over and patted each other on the shoulders and back as if to ensure they were real. Ness! Jeff! And then, at the exact same time, in mathematically perfect unison, such that no one in the history of human existence ever owed another a coke as much as Ness and Jeff both inexorably owed each other cokes in that very instant, they both shouted You're back to normal! You've been listening to the Podcast Against Gyigas. The Podcast Against Gygas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige Sato Itoi, with production by William Pulowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.