In Which Our Hero Gets Into a Fight

The fourth member of the Chosen Four has arrived at long last!

…too bad that fourth member happens to be Prince Poo, of all people. Still miffed at his recent role of servitude, he can’t help but make life a complete drag around Ness, Paula, and Jeff. He acts like such a jerk to the others that it’s bound to all come to a head, where Ness will indeed get into a fight. And while he and his friends encounter a horrible sea monster with razor-sharp fangs and fiery breath, that’s not even close to the hardest fight he’s up against aboard the sea captain’s ship!

Will the newly-united Chosen Four survive when the gigantic, ferocious, and almighty kraken attacks? Will Ness’s Gutsy Bat be enough to withstand the blows of an ancient and deadly sword? And if not, then where in the world will he find a power in himself to stand up to his most fearsome foe yet… Prince Poo himself! 

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Chapters

• 0:00 It’s The Podcast Against Giygas!
• 0:34 Feast Your Eyes Upon... The Kraken
• 9:33 Pick Up Your Weapon and Defend Yourself
• 17:31 I... LOST?!
• 19:40 Thank you for listening!

Transcript

Garrett McMahon: 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Gaius Episode twelve, in which our hero gets into a fight. You could be forgiven for thinking that the chosen four being fully united at long last would be a momentous occasion, a cause for celebration even. But for Ness, Paula, and Jeff, it was an utterly miserable experience. There was simply no cheering up Prince Pooh. For as much as he ran his mouth on the summer's beach when they first met each other, Prince Pooh remained silent whenever the four of them were in their cabin quarters together. When previously, time in between missions was spent chatting about their lives back home, chatting about nothing in particular, or sharing little jokes and other nonsense. Now the other three kept all that to themselves, for the one member of their group who would have none of it. In fact, the only sound that came out of Prince Pooh since that contentious first meeting on the beach was his trusty jaw harp he would often play, admittedly very well, but for long hours at a time, and only stopping when he alone grew bored with it. The third day since embarkation was such a day as the others, with the sun just getting ready to set, dinner already served on the ship, and Ness not even caring if it was awkward to pretend he had to go to the bathroom again just to get out of the cabin and away from Prince Pooh. Well, maybe he felt a little bad that he left Paula and Jeff to their own devices. He walked around the deck a few times, admired the chopping waves, waved to some playful dolphins swimming near the hull, and then almost jumped out of his skin when he heard someone behind him absolutely blowing chunks. Ness followed the sound and found none other but the sea captain, retching up his dinner over the deck. He looked up and saw the boy, resigning himself to his sad fate with a sigh. Ugh must have been a summer's lubber for longer than I thought. Or maybe just too many kicks. Ugh the shame of it. A sea captain getting seasick Um don't worry, sir. Your secret's safe with me. Say, Laddie, you look a little doon in David Jones's locker yourself. Here, a bit of grog never hurt anyone. The captain offered Ness a big glass bottle of something that smelled horrendous, and Ness, trying to be polite, well, not to mention having no idea what grog actually was, took a sip, tried not to gag on the stuff himself, and returned the bottle to the captain. It's just um well, I'm travelling with someone, and he's been nothing but a big jerk. Ah you sourpus of a companion. I know the feeling. Ten years ago I had a first mate, rotten to the core. Back talking, ration sneaking, drinking, gambling, and general dereliction of duty, you name it. I was at my rope's end with him. And you know what I did? Did you use your words? Come to understand your differences and respect each other's boundaries? I tapped him on the shoulder and sucker punched him in the fist. Oh Ness had a feeling it wasn't going to be those words his mother all but drilled into his head whenever he encountered a bully at school, or even just a minor disagreement with a friend. He let the sea captain continue. We had a right tussle we did. Our battle raged on till the sun came up, with neither of us giving quarter to the other. And now he's my best mate. I'd take a bullet for him, and he'd do the same for me. Jeez I don't know if I should fight him. Trust me, laddie, there are some folk like that ninja in your cabin, who only speak one language, and I don't mean Dalamis. But you're a bright lad. You'll figure it out. Before Ness could think about it much, the ship lurched forward, nearly sending them both tumbling to the deck as it came to a sudden stop. They both ran to the bow, where they saw pretty much the rest of the ship gathered, gasping, screeching, and pointing at something horrible in the water, directly ahead of them. A monster emerged from the ocean before them, huge, snake like, with a big bulbous head and two long, sharp canine teeth amid a row of already formidable jaws. It roared and blew a wicked plume of fire, just barely missing the ship itself, which was rocking up and down as the beast slammed its flat tail on the water and made tall, deadly waves. As Nest and the captain looked on at the horrible thing, eventually Paula, Jeff, and Prince Pooh joined them by their side. This is it, children. This is the reason why those summers captains are so deadly a fear to sail these seas. Feast your eyes upon the Krakin. I'll take care of it. In the stress of the moment, no one noticed as Prince Pooh drew his sword, walked toward the edge of the bow, and vanished. The captain paced back and forth on the deck, his sudden dread making the other kids panic. Surely there's a reason your vessel braves these deeps over all the others? Surely you have failsafes, an arsenal of torpedoes, perhaps? Well, you see, it's like this um I usually just know how and when to sail around it. The children looked to each other in horror. Was this it? After every hardship they encountered, were they doomed to meet their end in the belly of the dread kraken of the ocean deep? They were in such a paralyzing terror that neither of them noticed a blazingly fast streak of light and energy whiz by the monster five times, then whiz right back onto the ship. I'm sorry I let you doon. It's just too horrible a beastie to even think of fightin'. Its fangs slice the meat off your bones, its fiery breath melts the very eyeballs out of your sockets, its stomach a bottomless chasm that nigh all the other ships in the world could say it. It's the devil that sailors meet in hell. It's the nightmare every sailor's wife has asleep in their beds at night. It's it's dead. The captain and the children all looked behind and saw Prince Pooh standing there, sword drawn. He thumbed behind him. I just killed it. We can continue. The others regarded the monster, utterly baffled. True it was moving, gnashing its teeth, breathing fire, and chopping the waters a little bit less than before, but oh right, I forgot. Prince Pooh sheathed his sword with a satisfying click, but in that instant, the dread monster disintegrated into five huge pepperoni slices, and screeching with a death rattle, toppled back into the sea. Well uh Well thank you you we samurai lad. As Prince Pooh headed back to the cabin, Ness and the others ran to catch up to him.

SPEAKER_02: 7:43

How did you do that?

Garrett McMahon: 7:45

Move so fast like that. My people call it walking across the sky. It's how I went back and forth to you and Delam all this time. In fact, we probably could have just warped the pyramid with my power. What? Really? Why didn't you say so then? Oh, you did such a good job getting the ship that I didn't want to take that joy away from you. Here, jot down a little note for me next to your face, so I'll remember next time. Prince Pooh shoved the scroll with Nessa's face in his hands and picked up his pace away from the others. A day later, the stars were out and the winds were mild. The ship sailed gently against the gurgling ocean water. Ness, Paula, and Jeff were the only ones out on the deck that night, heading aft, Ness holding a plate of good sea captain's ship fare, of salisbury steak and roasted potatoes, following the sound of a jaw harp. There was Prince Pooh reclining on the deck near the stern, plugging away at a tune. He ignored his companions as they walked closer to him, and Ness offered the plate. Hey, Prince Pooh, so I thought we should all talk about uh our plans and stuff. We already ate and we couldn't find you, so we saved you before Ness even knew it, Prince Pooh smacked the plate out of Ness's hands, making a mess on the deck.

SPEAKER_02: 10:20

Hey, what is your problem?

Garrett McMahon: 10:23

I told you at great length what my problem is back on the beach at Summers. Forgive me if I thought you were listening. You know, none of us want to be here any more than you do. You could show us a little respect. You're right, I could. Or you could earn it. Ness was only partly truthful about the purpose of their meeting. In fact, Paula and Jeff joined him because they all figured things would come to a head with Prince Pooh's rotten attitude, and they needed to be there to back up their friend when it did. I say, you're not being entirely fair to Ness. You can't deny we've made significant progress thus far. Yeah. We have two parts of the melody for the sandstone, and Ness smashed the statue back and forth, all without your help. Prince Pooh rose to his feet in uproarious laughter, which caused Ness to look away embarrassed. Ness you did didn't you? No no, don't worry, I did, but it's true. I needed his help. Prince Pooh snapped his head toward Ness and pointed his finger at him, poking him hard in the chest. That's right. You needed my help. Just as you relied on your friends to bail you out of trouble every other step of this journey, you're a worthless leader, a weak, simpering crybaby. I am not a crybaby. I only cried once. Paula stepped up to Prince Pooh, clenching her fists. That's enough now. You can't talk to him like that. I can, and I will. Passing by Paula like she was nothing at all, Prince Pooh got into Nessa's face and gave him a shove, making him stagger back a couple paces. Hey, cut it out. Prince Pooh scoffed and pushed him again. Or what? You'll whine at me to death? What hope do you have against the destroyer of worlds if you can't even deal with me? Do you think he'll lay down ground rules before he tries to kill you? Do you think he'll care if your feelings are hurt when he lays waste to everything you hold dear? Prince Pooh gave Ness another shove at the end of each of his questions, each one stronger than the last. I don't want to fight you pr too bad. I want to fight you. Prince Pooh shoved him hard enough to knock him down to the deck. As Ness scrambled back to his feet, the prince drew his sword and held the tip under Ness's chin just as he was coming up from the deck. Paula gasped and walked toward the two fighting boys. Are you crazy?

SPEAKER_02: 12:56

Stop it!

Garrett McMahon: 12:57

Prince Pooh held up his free hand, wordlessly telling Paula and Jeff to keep away, the force of it making Paula take a couple steps back in spite of herself. Prince Pooh then turned back to Ness, sword drawn at his throat. Your friends won't save you this time. Pick up your weapon and defend yourself. Ness was shaking all over, furious at his attacker, who was supposed to be his friend and companion, and scared out of his mind at the prospect of locking blades and bats against him. He took out his trusty bat. Good. If you can disarm me, then I will bow down and call you master. Prince Pooh lunged at Ness, who didn't so much parry the attack as scramble away from it. His opponent prowled in circles around him, like a shark eyeing a bleeding fish in the water, fainting, thrusting. Ness was totally out of his element. Prince Pooh had little else to show for his life but top notch weapons training, while the extent of Ness's fencing experience involved playfully whacking sticks together with a friend in the backyard. Prince Pooh lunched at him again with a ferocious downward thrust, and on sheer instinct, Ness blocked the blow holding the bat with two hands. Amazingly, despite both Ness and the Prince expecting that blow to turn the thing into splinters, the sword stuck in place. So there it was. True, the Sword of Kings was an impeccably forged ancient weapon of razor sharp metal folded on top of razor sharp metal eight times, but this was the almighty Gutsy Bat. The rarest, hardest, and most molecularly densest wood from a small forest in Sri Lanka, treated with a top secret triple ash and pure varnishing for a maximum lightness, power, and grip comfort, no matter your swing, no matter your size, guaranteed to repel any pesky old ancient sword or your money back. Prince Pooh shrugged, impressed in spite of himself, and only pressed his attack harder. Ness, still stumbling backwards, still not at all a fighter, was gaining newfound confidence in his indestructible bat, slowly adapting to Prince Pooh's advances. Prince Pooh adapted as well, getting closer to Ness, swinging hard at the bat to break Ness's balance, then tripping him up with his feet. Tumbling onto his back, Ness saw to his horror that the soundstone tumbled out of his pocket and rolled on the deck. He scrambled to the small red stone and grasped it before his opponent could get too close. Allowing Ness to rise to his feet, Prince Pooh stretched out his open right hand, just like the other times before. Give it to me. I won't ask you again. Ness shoved the stone into his pocket and raised his bat. You have to take it from me. Prince Pooh changed his strategy, abandoning show offy finesse. He took a few gingerly steps toward Ness, who all but allowed the ground his opponent claimed, and brutally swung his sword in an arc. As Ness blocked the attack, Prince Pooh swung again and again, looking more like a lumberjack than a fighter. Ness's bat was up to the challenge, but Ness himself a little less so. His knees began to buckle as he withstood Prince Pooh chopping and pushing down with the sword, over and over. With all his might, Prince Pooh raised his sword above his head with both hands and brought it down, meeting his opponent's weapon and creating a stalemate. Locked in an arm wrestling match of baseball bat versus sword, Prince Pooh loomed over Ness, who staggered back, grunting and groaning under the strain. All four of them knew this match was now the prince's to win, and it was only a matter of him deciding when he felt like winning. He'll destroy the whole world, Ness. I have a responsibility to my people. I can't let you fail. Prince Pooh brought his sword down harder, making Ness grunt and buckle into a kneel. He held his bat up all the same. He didn't give up. He'll never stop. He'll take away your homeland, your friends, your mother, your father? Something in Ness snapped. Maybe Prince Pooh's words made him remember the vision at Grapefruit Falls, that brief glimpse of joy he shared with his mother and beloved dog, whatever it was, where his Ness was full of fear and trepidation and in over his headedness, it emptied his whole heart and left in its place unbridled fury. No! He rose to his feet and pushed Prince Pooh off. His eyes went pure white, a deafening ring chimed in all four of their minds. A huge blast of energy exploded from Nessa's body, and a ray of pure power slammed into Prince Pooh, glowing geometric neon shapes, triangles and squares and trapezoids in a jigsaw puzzle of crackling yellow, red, and blue. It lifted the prince off his feet and sent him flying into a packing crate. He hit the thing and fell straight to the deck, dropping his sword. Nessa's power dissipated. He looked over his hands, stunned at what just came out of him. He then noticed Prince Pooh staggering to his feet. The wind knocked out of him. I'm sorry. Are are you okay? He tiptoed toward Prince Pooh, who glared at his opponent and roared Get away from me. Prince Pooh sucked in staggered, panicked breaths, shaking all over. Looking over himself like he was covered in slime, he picked up his dropped sword, and the shame of it finally sunk in. He actually lost for quite literally the first time in his entire life. And he wasn't taking it very well. Ness tried to go to Prince Pooh and console him anyway, but before he knew it his opponent vanished, walking across the sky to who knows where.

SPEAKER_02: 18:55

Wait!

Garrett McMahon: 18:56

No, don't Only when the coast was entirely clear, when there was not a trace of Prince Pooh to be found, did Paula and Jeff dare to approach their embattled friend. Don't worry about him. He'll be back. Are you okay? Um yeah. I'm fine, thanks. Jeff stammered and sputtered, as what he just witnessed left him completely unable to pipe in with his usually charming bon mots.

SPEAKER_02: 19:25

Ness! How did Did you do that?

Garrett McMahon: 19:32

Ness looked at his hands, still tingly with the blast of power that burst from them. I wish I could tell you. You've been listening to the podcast against Gigas. The Podcast Against Gigas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige Sato Itoi, with production. By William Pulowski and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Etoe. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.