In Which Our Hero Goes Underground

Prince Poo got a right trouncing and now he’s more or less on Ness’s side for good. And not a moment too soon, because Ness is going to need all the help he can get for the next leg of his adventure!

After so many setbacks and delays, the Chosen Four finally head to the Great Pyramid in the desert of Scaraba, wherein lies the way to the ever-elusive Third Sanctuary. From there, it’s just a matter of figuring out the mysterious riddle of the Sphinx. And then solving a good old-fashioned dungeon puzzle or two, or five. And, oh yeah, doing it all before ugh, PORKY!!! can throw a wrench into the whole thing. 

Will it be Porky who blinks first in the standoff that ensues, or the Chosen Four? Will the ancient brain-teasers of the Great Pyramid be enough against boy-genius Jeff, now fully out of the Summers slump and finally “in his idiom”? And what secrets await them beneath the grand edifice, in… the Lost Underworld?

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Chapters

• 0:00 It’s The Podcast Against Giygas!
• 0:35 Dance Before the Sphinx
• 8:11 Ugh, PORKY!!!
• 15:01 Jeffrey Andonuts, in His Idiom
• 21:29 The Inscription is Lying!
• 30:04 Thank you for listening!

Transcript

Garrett McMahon: 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Gaius Episode thirteen in which our hero goes underground. You could be forgiven for thinking, after the miserable four days at sea with him, that the sudden disappearance of Prince Pooh after that horrible punch up at night was the best thing to happen to the chosen four. True, while the main source of constant rancor had vanished, the remaining chosen three nonetheless smoked around the remainder of their voyage at sea. Ness blamed himself for the fight, for not handling it better, for not being able to follow his mother's constant advice to talk it out with someone who's angry with you, or for even going along with the journey the way he did, maybe if he had just done something differently in some way that could have prevented all this. Heck, he even wondered if things could have gone any worse if he had just given him the soundstone. All this was on his mind when early morning, on the fifth day at sea, the ship finally docked in the Scaraba port town. Ness didn't know what to expect when he landed, assuming it would all be like the cartoons he saw, men in turbans and long beards, women veiled from head to toe, rustic street urchins scampering around the exotic minarets and small huts, pinching sweet fruits and precious jewels from street side bazaars, dodging burly guards swinging skimitars as big as he was, that sort of thing. He was surprised to see that while there were plenty of domed arabesque buildings and street merchants, there were just as many pickup trucks, men and women alike wearing blue jeans and t-shirts, and radios playing rock and roll. It at least gave Ness quite a bit to write to his mother on a postcard, this one bearing a photo of the region's world famous pyramid. What surprised him even more than Scaraba, however, was the immediate sight of Prince Pooh waiting for the children as they disembarked. He was holding a camel by the reins, bearing thickly stuffed sacks of supplies on his back. I'm sorry, I could only get one camel. But it has everything we need to get to the Great Pyramid. If we leave now and make camp at an oasis tonight, we can reach it before the sun is at its highest tomorrow. They left the port and followed Prince Pooh into the desert without another word. While the lack of his constant negativity was an all too welcome change, it was no more pleasant being around the prince than it was on the ship. Aside from absolutely essential instructions, or yes and no answers to rudimentary questions, it was as if he was still bound by that oath of silence, as he was before his thirteenth birthday. They did indeed stop at an oasis and make camp for the night. And while Ness had a mind to try and reconcile with Prince Pooh that night, he thought against it, and instead allowed his companions hypnotic playing on the jaw harp to lull him to sleep. They left just as the sun came up the next morning, and it was only a couple hours' walk before they reached the grand edifice at last, the great pyramid of Scaraba, and right beside it the magnificent Sphinx, a great stone lion guarding against intruders and evildoers. Ness had seen famous places like this in books and movies every day, but to finally be right up close to this larger than life tomb of the ancient Coptic Empire's most famous king, so close he could actually touch it? There were so many firsts that Ness had experienced since stepping out of his front door on that very first day of his quest, good and bad alike. And seeing so much of the world around him was a first to put right square into column good. If only he had a Photos taken instantaneously I am a photographic genius if I don't say so myself. Okay get ready for an instant memory Look at the camera. Ready? Say Fuzzy Pickles Fuzzy Pickles Wow What a great photograph It will always bring back the fondest of memories Having seen to that, the children continued toward the Great Pyramid's gates. A huge stone slab full of etched coptoglyphics, elegant little pictures that made up words in their ancient language, hung over the great doors. Prince Pooh pointed to each individual word as he slowly translated them for all to hear. We built this pyramid fortress to defend against the destroyer of worlds. Our efforts were futile, we lost the battle, but our pyramid was protected by the gods. The invaders who hide behind space and time will be reborn every millennia No, wait every generation and attack again and again. Therefore, the true hero shall dance before the Sphinx and enter, where we wait with fingers crossed behind. The hawk's eye lights the way for the true hero to the stairway to heaven where we live in the sky. But the thief shall be shown the way to the lost underworld below. Jeff was at it again, pacing around, deep in thought, scratching his chin. I've read a bit on ancient scarabin sieves. Most of this sort of thing was meant to scare off confused grave robbers. Hmm I say, do you notice something about that cat symbol? And the frequency in which it is juxtaposed with a heron, is it? He squinted at the inscription, held up a ruler and a protractor at certain angles. Then, with a snap of his fingers and a little murmur of recognition, Jeff began to run around the front of the Sphinx. Stopping at a first spot, he leaped with both feet, and upon landing a chime rang out. Their curiosity piqued, the children let Jeff keep at it. He ran to other spots before the great structure, stepping with great deliberation at highly specific points, and more chimes rang out, each one a higher pitch than last. It almost looked like he was making the shape of a big pentagram in the ground. Jeff finally ran to the last spot, right in front of the Sphinx. He smiled at the others and gently tapped his toe on the ground. Which then made a little exotic jingle murmur in their ears. With that, the Great Pyramid's doors creaked open before their eyes. The true hero must dance before the Sphinx. And have an advanced knowledge of geometry, so it seems. Fair not, everyone, whatever secrets this grand edifice has locked away with puzzles and riddles, they won't remain locked for long, for you see, I am no petty grave robber. I am Jeffrey Andonuts, four time consecutive second place runner up of the Snow Wood Science Expo, and I am in my idiom. Anyone else seeing a friend of theirs brag so much would have most likely been annoyed, but seeing Jeff, after a long hard decline in summers, finally in his idiom again, brought the other kids in high spirits. Only one thing could have possibly brought those spirits tumbling right back down.

SPEAKER_00: 8:10

Hold it right there.

Garrett McMahon: 8:13

They turned around and saw, to their complete dismay, none other than Porky Minch. Wearing a tan linen safari outfit and waving around a remote control with a single red button, he ran up to the children, huffing in deep, exhausted breaths. Finally, it took you dweebs a whole month. Ugh What do you want, Porky? Well, Ness, what I really want is to stomp on your face so hard it sends you all the way to the center of the earth. But if I can't have that, then I'll settle for blowing up whatever lies in that oh so important pyramid, and letting the ten thousand star men I have at my beck and call vaporize you into dust. Jeff made a curious face at these words, scratching his chin. Well, which is it going to be?

SPEAKER_00: 9:02

Vapor or dust?

Garrett McMahon: 9:03

Make up your mind, man. Oh, look who it is, the big blinding nerd again. Hey, why don't you climb in a little phone booth with doctor who gives a crap and go back to Winters? Jeff grunted at the boy and drew both laser pistols. Now you've gone too far. That man is a national hero. They all are. I dare you to say that again with both safeties disengaged. Prince Pooh drew his sword and trained it at Porky, pointing his two left fingers up in a ready attack stance. Jeff is right. If he's in league with the destroyer of worlds, we should cut him down at once. Well, well, well, Ness. You sure are attracting more and more flies, aren't you? Nice sword, Bucko. Think you can get at me with it before I push this button? Porky waved a chubby finger over the button on his remote control. Prince Pooh remained in his attack stance, undaunted. Yes, I do. No, don't We're so close we can't risk it. That's right. You're not as stupid as you look, are you? Paula stepped forward, her eyes turning white. Oh come on, Ness, let me just roast this little piggy boy so we can get a move on. Hey, that's Porky to you, Missy. Porky flashed a toothy grin at the children, taunting them with his remote, before he suddenly frowned. I mean uh no it isn't. Neither of those are to you, Missy. Oh come now, Paula, it's dreadful manners to call him names like that. After all, I'd hate to make the pole boy squeal. Hey, you stop that very well, if you say so. I know better than to cast my pearls before. Swine?

SPEAKER_00: 10:52

Stop it! I'm warning you, you'll be sorry.

Garrett McMahon: 10:56

Yeah, maybe in a pig's eye. Paula looked to Jeff with a little chuckle, joining in on his game. Hello! Excuse me!

SPEAKER_00: 11:05

Did we all forget the part where I can summon ten thousand starmen in seconds anytime I want?

Garrett McMahon: 11:11

Oh, and wouldn't that just make you happier than a hog and mud? Oh man, I'm really gonna enjoy watching them obliterate you. Nice and slow. You just sitting there crying to your mommy, begging for your pitiful lives, then all of a sudden, zap, and you're nothing. Well, I suppose anything is possible now. You did, after all. Fly, huh?

unknown: 11:36

Ha.

Garrett McMahon: 11:37

Thank you for reminding me, I almost forgot. One of my greatest triumphs. You thought you were gonna fly here all nice and comfy, didn't you? But no, I snatched that chopper right from under your dumb noses, and I flew here. I flew across the sky. I flew for hundreds of miles over the ocean.

SPEAKER_00: 11:56

I flew I just got that one! Dang it.

Garrett McMahon: 12:03

Jeff and Paula erupted into raucous laughter, and even Ness sniggered a little at seeing Porky's so bothered.

SPEAKER_00: 12:10

Shut up!

Garrett McMahon: 12:11

Shut up Oh, alright, alright. We had our little fun. Now let the boys speak. You, sir officially have the conch. Ooh, good one, Jeff. That's a deep cut. Oh I thank you. But I don't think he'll grasp that one, though. Yeah, me neither. Enough You dorks can laugh it up all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that it's all a faded complete now. I beg your pardon, it's all a what now? A faded complete It's a big word that means it's all over for you now. For all the good your little sword's gonna do you, or your freaky mind powers, or your little pew pews, all I have to do is push this teeny weensey Lil Something fell from the sky and hit Porky on the head with a satisfying bonk, knocking him out cold and face down in the sand. The children were relieved that they were out of danger for now, but bewildered as to what it was that saved them, looking to each other and shrugging. Paula tiptoed to Porky on the ground. She picked up the mysterious object. It was black, solid iron. When she looked it over, it was round, hollow, and quite heavy, with a handle on the end. As she looked closer, it had a nice season to it, like you could fry an egg on it with no butter. It wasn't until she turned it upside down and noticed the brand engraving, brick road cookware, and a personalized set of initials directly below the brand, PC, that she gasped and held it up to show her friends. Hey, look, I'm not going to be able to do that. Impossibly vast compared to the already vast monument on the outside. When Paula found some old unused torches hanging on the walls and helpfully lit them all, the Grand Hall shined a bright yellow with gold and fine marble everywhere. The walls were covered with hundreds of inscriptions and coptoglyphics, and surprisingly intact paintings and fresco of mythical, larger than life events of the gods and kings of ancient empires alike. One of these depictions caught Jeff's eye, in which a group of travelers ascend a staircase to an open door in the clouds, as two bird headed demigods point the way up. Meanwhile, a gaggle of unlucky grave robbers were tumbling to their deaths in a giant chasm. Jeff scratched his chin as he looked around. In addition to the neatly arrayed tombs of the kings of the Coptic Empire, there were two great golden statues, hawk headed guardians of the tombs. They were pointing up to a magnificent set of doors atop a small staircase, locked shut by an impossible array of bolts, gears, and switches. Jeff smiled at the room around him, full of puzzles, riddles, enigmas begging to be solved. He was in his idiom. Ah Jeff spotted a big ornate jewel in the eye of one of the hawk headed statues. Noticing a conspicuous ornate jewel shaped slot in the big doors above the staircase, Jeff put two and two together with a smug grin. The hawk's eye will lead the way. Give us a boost. Ness and Paula duly boosted Jeff to the statue's head, and with a little doing, Jeff successfully pried the jewel from its socket. He triumphantly ascended the staircase, and placed the jewel in the door's socket, bowing as if he was on stage all the while. Any moment now, the jewel's unique molecular properties and the design of its cut will activate the door's myriad locking mechanisms and open the way to us. The jewel stayed put, and the doors did nothing. Any moment now. After a little more pacing and scratching of his chin, Jeff snapped his fingers and exclaimed Aha. Noticing on the floor an array of raised tablets that sank underneath when stepped on, and a series of identical statues of some kind of hulking royal guard, smaller than the Hawkman figures and still heavy but movable, he instructed Ness and Paula to push one after another onto each pressure point. Any moment now, the mechanisms will have no choice but to respond to each of the pressure points sinking to the floor and open the way to us. Ness shoved the last petrified royal guard figure into the last tablet. The door stayed closed. Any moment now. Jeff took another moment to pace around the pyramid and scratch his chin. He stopped, snapped his fingers, and yelled ha when he noticed a single ray of sunshine sneaking through one of the pyramid's crenellations. Looking further, some of the statues bore a helmet with a clear, shiny mirror on top. He instructed Ness and Paula to climb atop those statues and rotate the mirrors, creating a complex web of mirrors reflecting that one ray of light from the pyramid's ceiling all the way to an ornamental mirror atop of the great doors above the staircase. Any moment now, the concentrated ray of ultraviolet light will proceed from that reflective surface into the unlocking device of those great doors, finally opening the way to us. Ness spun the last mirror around, shining the light directly in the center of the ornament above the door. They remained closed. Any moment now. Jeff grumbled as he paced around the pyramid, scratching his chin so much he'd probably start chafing the skin. He noticed a section of the hall with a smooth and slippery floor, almost like ice. On the surface were four huge, individually colored pillars, red, yellow, blue, and green. Jeff smiled and snapped his fingers with a little aha. Jeff, Ness, and Paula all pushed the pillars in different directions, kind of like a game of shuffleboard, until all of them fell into four corresponding colored holes in the floor, and then sank underground. Any moment now the four colored pillars will activate some kind of locking mechanism beneath our feet and open the way to us. The last pillars sank into the floor. And the doors remained closed. Any moment now. Jeff then stood before the doors, grumbling, muttering to himself. He went into his rucksack and took out his machine that opens most doors, especially when you have a slightly bent key and portable unlimited trout flavored yogurt dispenser. O great gods of the old kingdom, we beseech you to open the way for us heroes of light to the very heavens above, and we bestow upon you this gift of trout flavoured yogurt. Jeff presented a paper cup of the awful stinky stuff before the doors, and they remained closed. Ness and Paula looked on, glaring at their friend and holding their noses all the while. Jeff rose from his knees and shrugged. I just had to be sure. Quite a bit of time passed since they first laid eyes on the opulent tomb, and Ness was starting to get nervous. Not only because he saw Jeff get more and more frustrated, but also the fact that at any time Porky could come to from that knock on the head and cause all sorts of trouble for them was weighing heavy on his mind. Jeff, what you doing now? Jeff was pacing around on another part of the floor, this time with an array of tiles that glowed a blue light upon taking a step. He looked more agitated than ever, going one way, the light fading out, then another, making a trail of lights behind him, only for another misstep to make them all go out again. Oh, it's very simple, old boy. It's an elementary scheme in which one is meant to activate all the glowing tiles on the floor by treading on them once and without going backwards. There. Frowning, groaning, blowing air through his teeth all the while, Jeff stopped just before the last tile. All I have to do now is take one more blasted step on this blasted tile.

SPEAKER_00: 22:27

In any blasted moment now those blasted doors will open the way to us.

Garrett McMahon: 22:32

Jeff took one more step and activated the light on the tile. He anxiously looked up to the doors. They did nothing. Jeff sighed, utterly defeated. With his head slumped down, he ambled away from the floor, making all the lights go out again, and wandered to the entrance, just under that first engraving with the Hawkmen. As he took slow, labored steps, the floor underneath him rang out as if hollow. He then collapsed to the floor and sat cross legged, his head bowed in his hands. Jeff Go away. Ness sat on the floor beside his despondent friend, and remembering how much it helped him when he was on the side of the road at the Dusty Dunes desert, he put his arm around Jeff's shoulders. Come on, chin up, old boy I'm no smarter than a grave robber. I'm an amateur. I'm plenty stupid. No, Jeff, you are not stupid. Every single thing you invented on this about every single thing you invented on this trip has been a huge help. In this there's gotta be a way through. It can't be impossible.

SPEAKER_00: 23:51

Nothing's impossible. If you're stuck in a rut, you only have your limited intellect to blame.

Garrett McMahon: 23:58

Jeff was obviously imitating someone, speaking those words as he did in a higher pitched, snootier, wheedling sort of voice. Who said that? Dr. Andonots I mean my dad. Jeff groaned and fell to the floor, lying on his back and covering his face with his hands. Ness sidled next to him and also lied on his back beside him. You rescued us at Threed and figured out the whole zombie invasion all by yourself. You made a flying ship that can shoot aliens out of the sky. You saved my life in foresight. You blew up like fifty robots that were gonna kill us. Heck you got us in here in the first place. You're the smartest person I know, Jeff. You're awesome. Paula stepped a little closer to them as well. That's right. If there's anyone here who can crack those stupid doors, it's you. We love you, Jeff. Uh I'm not gonna lie on that dirty floor if it's all the same to you. I don't know. Maybe we're just reading that inscription the wrong way. Prince Pooh, who all the while had been listlessly wandering around the hall, reading inscriptions and inspecting other paintings, snapped to attention. I certainly did not read it wrong. Paula grumbled and turned to the other boy, arms folded and frowning. Oh, there you are. We almost forgot you came along to help us. Got any other bright ideas then, smarty pants? Prince Pooh scoffed at Paula and went back to his own business. Jeff rose from the floor with a gasp. Wait a minute. Ness that's it. We've all been reading it the wrong way. He rose to his feet in a frenzy, pacing around the room and scratching his chin like never before, and Ness slowly picked himself up as well. What did the inscription say? We wait with fingers crossed behind. Don't you see? Jeff held up his hand in front of Ness. Then making a big show of it, he crossed his index and middle fingers together, then placed them behind his back. We wait with fingers crossed behind The Inscription is lying. Jeff ran to the painting with the ascending staircase and robbers falling into the hole in the ground. So then the thief shall try to enter the stairway to heaven, while the true hero shall enter. He ran toward the floor and stomped his foot hard. It rang out through the grand hall, hollow. The lost underworld. Before he knew it, Jeff pounced and wrapped Ness in a pig bear hug, lifting him off the floor. Ness, I could kiss you right now. Please don't Jeff released his friend and ran to one of the petrified royal guards. There, give us a hand with a statue. He shoved the thing with his shoulder, and it tipped off the ground just a little bit. Ness and Paula joined him, and with a little bit more elbow grease between the three of them, they did a heave ho, heave ho, and soon enough the statue went toppling down. It cracked open the floor and left a wide hole, with oddly enough a rope ladder to lead the children down. They took a look over the edge, where they saw to their astonishment, about as far down as twenty floors or so of a tall building, a wild prehistoric land untouched by human civilization. Geysers and small volcanoes alike erupted through the cracks in the land. Various animals hooted and screeched, palm trees gently blew in the wind, and most amazingly of all, dinosaurs roamed the earth. They lumbered and stomped along, munching on leaves and grass, or chasing smaller dinos for a little snack. It was something out of a sci-fi movie, or a comic book, or a dream. It was impossible to believe even as they were looking right at it. It was unlike anything any of the children had ever seen in their Ah The children nearly jumped out of their skin as they turned to see what that awful scream was behind them. It was none other than the petrified royal guard statue they had tipped over. Its head the main thing that cracked the floor open. The statue was now lying on its side, sobbing and shrieking on the floor.

SPEAKER_00: 28:22

My head is pounding! I have a splitting headache! What is wrong with you? Do you have any regard for other people's feelings? Or do you push everyone you mean onto the floor?

Garrett McMahon: 28:36

Oh my gosh! I'm sorry, sir. We didn't know you could talk.

SPEAKER_00: 28:42

Well of course I can talk. I'm made of rock, aren't I? Oh my head is killing me.

Garrett McMahon: 28:51

The kids shrugged to each other, then went to the statue, giving it a college try to get it back on its feet. They failed, however, because of course they failed. It was like five hundred pounds of solid rock. What'd you expect? I'm I'm so sorry, Mr. Statue Guy. You're too heavy to pick back up. Oh, of course you're sorry. Everyone's sorry. Sorry's not gonna make this migraine go away, though, is it?

SPEAKER_00: 29:18

Instead of a bunch of sorries, why don't you give me an ibuprofen? Oh my head.

Garrett McMahon: 29:26

Look, we really gotta go. But we'll send help, I promise. Nuss helplessly looked to the others and then headed down the rope ladder, the others following behind.

SPEAKER_00: 29:37

Oh, I'm sure you will. That's what they all say. And let me guess, it's up to me to patch the floor back up, isn't it?

Garrett McMahon: 30:08

You've been listening to the podcast against Gigas. The Podcast Against Geigas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige Sato Itoi, with production by William Pulowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.