Earthbound: The Podcast Against Giygas!

In Which Our Hero Has a Sleepover at Jeff’s House

• Season 1 • Episode 17

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Garrett McMahon:

You're listening to the podcast against Gaius. Episode 17, in which our hero has a sleepover at Jeff's house. Paula had only the day before narrowly escaped from an alien attack while under the Earth's surface, where dinosaurs were still alive and rocks could talk. And after she traveled thousands of miles in only a few seconds to Winters of All Places, she was huddled before a fire wearing a prep school jacket lined with penguin feathers, watching a friend of hers fiddle with a machine that could already generate disgusting fish yogurt out of nothing, in the hopes that he could eventually take down a gigantic black monolith in the shape of a number two pencil blocking the way. None of that stunned her, absolutely floored her, as much as the sight of Ness and Prince Pooh approaching her and Jeff, arms around each other's shoulders and actually smiling. Hey guys, sorry we were gone for a while, but I have some really good news. We're cool now. Yes. I made a long overdue apology, and I would offer the same apology to you both. If I ever did anything to cause you offense on this journey, I beg your forgiveness. Prince Pooh bowed his head and put his hands together in Dolomese salute. Jeff's concern evaporated away at the display, and he offered his hand to the prince with a smile. Right under the bridge, old boy. Prince Pooh, not really knowing what he was in for, took Jeff's hand, and the other boy shook any and all coldness he might have been feeling right out of his body. Now Paula really couldn't believe it. Jeff actually called him old boy. He only ever called people that if he really liked them. She sighed and patted the prince on the shoulder. Ah shucks, well, if Ness likes you, then I guess I'll like you too. Brilliant. I'm also pleased to announce some fortunate news. I have made some modifications to my invention that I think will help us traverse this blasted monolith. I call it the machine that opens most doors, especially when you have a slightly bent key, portable and limited trout flavoured yogurt dispenser, and pencil eraser. Jeff pointed his complicated machine at the large pencil and pushed a button. A beam emitted from the thing, interacted with the color and molecular makeup of the black monolith before them, and just like that, the pencil vanished before their eyes. Jeff turned to his friends, beaming. Guaranteed to erase all pencils and anything pencil shaped. Just don't ever bring it into a pencil shop. Jeff waited for the others to respond, no doubt in complete astonishment, in sheer dumbfounded awe of his brilliance. They said nothing. Because well, then all the pencils will disappear. And then if someone really needs a pencil, well they can't buy one. And the shop, it'll lose all that business, and then it'll have to shut to its doors. And yeah, Jeff, we get it.

unknown:

Hmm.

Garrett McMahon:

Now that that's well and done, I propose we all join hands and let Prince Pooh do his magic warping trick to that stonking great rock thing, you doofus. All right, all right. Whatever it is, let's just hop to it. The children joined hands once again with the prince in the lead. He meditated, closed his eyes, opened them flat white, and turned off the world. They were once again zipping through the winter's countryside, and mere seconds later they found themselves slamming into a solid wall and stumbling into the snow. Prince Pooh rose to his feet and once again immediately went to Jeff, beside himself. What just happened that time? Again, you're asking me The children looked up to find, indeed, another huge black structure. How many of these stupid things are there in the stupid country? Well don't yell at me. I'm not the bloody one putting the bloody things down. Whatever. Just zap it so we can get going. I'm sorry, old boy, I can't use my pencil eraser this time. What do you mean you can't? It's not a pencil. Look. Jeff pointed up to the thing. Indeed, rather than taper off to a single pencil point on top, the structure had rounded smooth corners and formed a perfect convex in its zenith. Not to mention, the great big letter E etched into it to remove any and all confusion as to its true nature. It's an eraser. Well fine, make another thing that erases erasers too. An eraser eraser? I already have a pencil eraser. How could I possibly construct an eraser eraser? Why not? Well think about it, man. A thing that erases the thing and a thing that erases the thing that erases the thing. In one and the same instance, it's an impossibility. It'd be easier to fold the whole universe on itself more than seven times. It's Aristotelian. Fine then, just make something else. Something else? Like what? How should I know? Make a stronger rocket or something. Anything! Of all the absurd How do you think this works? I don't just have inventions knocking around in my pocket, you know. They don't just grow on the trees here. Oh, you're right about that. Nothing grows on the trees here. Oh, please, now there's no need to resort to Ant Hum and remark just hurry up and make something already. You're killing Ness! Although I'm not killing anyone! I just became best friends with Ness. If you let my best friend die of hypothermia boys Jeff and Prince Pooh snapped out of their friendly disagreement and looked to Paula, wrapping her green jacket covered arms around a shivering Ness. Pooh's right. Ness is catching his death out here, and I'm not exactly sweating myself. What's the plan? All right, all right, everyone. My suggestion is this. The Andon's laboratory is now only a five minute walk from our position, as opposed to the entire day. Let's stop by the old homestead and warm ourselves by the proverbial hearth. We can stock up on supplies, and on the following morning we'll be more than equipped to make the walk to Stonehenge. No matter if there's a hundred of these ridiculous things. Agreed? Agreed. Following Jeff's lead, the children made their way as quickly as they could, Ness even stopping for the occasional jumping jacks, even finding them kind of fun to do now. Jeff's calculations were slightly off, as it took the children eight minutes to reach the only house among the quaint cottages in the neighborhood made entirely of excuse me, aluminium. Jeff bade the children to enter the Andinuts laboratory, which Ness eagerly did in all haste, stomping the snow off his sneakers and shaking the cold out of him. For a house that was more a science lab than a house, it was quite cozy.

unknown:

Dr.

Garrett McMahon:

Andonuts was still hard at work on his huge machine, the same one Jeff saw his father tinkering with the day he first left in the Skyrunner. Again, the doctor spoke to his son without looking up from his work. Jeffrey Fama I couldn't help but notice your return sands the Skyrunner. Have a donut? I'm afraid it couldn't be helped. Wrecked beyond repair by a dastily alien snake attack. Fair not, I'll have another up and running in no time. Ah, cheers. Donut anyone?

unknown:

Dr.

Garrett McMahon:

Andonutz raised an eyebrow from his complicated formulas and intricate circuit boards, offering the donuts to others. This wasn't part of the usual greeting banter. He looked up and saw two other boys and one girl with his son, which was a sight he found novel enough to break away from his work for just a moment. Ah, so you brought company. Ness quickly swallowed the big bite of donut already in his mouth, and waved to the doctor as the other children helped themselves as well. Hello, doctor Andonut, sir. I'm Ness, and this is Paula and Prince Pooh. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Ness, young man, Paula, Prince Pooh. You all must be those friends of my son, gone off to save the world or some such bother. He has told me so little about you. I say, father, there appears to be some sort of prehistoric man in your laboratory. Jeff motioned toward an especially clanky and cacophonous swing of the great Andonut's lab, where there was indeed a hulking hairy man with a small mushroom top tuft of filthy blonde hair, wearing nothing but a ring of leather rags around his modesty, and swinging around a big club with a few iron nails hammered in and sticking out halfway, poking, prodding, and outright breaking some of Dr. Andonuts's equipment. Prehistoric Oh, you must mean my cave boy. Yes, yes, a colleague of mine at Oxbridge recently came across some authentic specimens of Cromag. And remarkably intact too. I previously let slip that I was in need of an amanuensis, so he lent me one. At least I hope it was old Boris, or else who knows how the old devil got in here. Anyway, I like to call him Double Cheeseburger. Father, why do you like to call him the cave boy swung his club and spilled the contents of a beaker, a bubbling, steaming, green glowing chemical that spilled into some others and caused a mildly explosive chain reaction that left the brute with a sooty face.

SPEAKER_01:

Double cheeseburger Ah, I see.

Garrett McMahon:

A living crow mag, eh? Sounds implausible. Absurdly so. Well, that's what I thought. But there he stands and bobs her uncle. Oh dear. Jeffrey, it appears a handful of your compatriots were unwise enough to dress themselves with arms and legs quite uncovered. Let's get a good copper, new young ones, and get that dreadful winter's cold out of your bones. Minutes later, the kettle whistled on the stove, and doctor Andinuts poured thick black tea with cream for all four children. Bottoms up, you lot. When it comes to tea, you'll find I'm quite owellian. Nest took a gingerly sip of his cup, to be honest, still a little put off by hot beverages in a mug ever since his nightmare romp and moonside, and the moment the hot tea glided along his tongue and into his stomach hot but smooth, that same warm, tingly feeling hit him in an instant. He saw the whole rainbow swirling around him. His friends, doctor Andinuts, Double Cheeseburger, the metal lab, all emitting a kaleidoscope of he, just kidding. The tea really hit the spot. It was hot without burning his mouth or stomach. It wasn't bitter like that rotten sip of coffee he had at Foreside, but strong and complex, a wild mixture of something like pepper and cinnamon and I don't know, a Christmas tree maybe, all in one cup. And the fresh cream and two lumps of sugar he asked for helped it all go down, no questions asked. Jeff, of course, was a veteran tea drinker, and finished his before the others, but Ness wasn't too far behind. Hmm, that was great. Thank you, doctor Andinuts. Oh no trouble at all. I also took the liberty of adding a secret ingredient. Why don't you take a quick step outside and see? Ness was puzzled by the suggestion, but did as the doctor ordered. He stepped out the front door of the lab, took a look around, and wondered what was supposed to happen, when, with a gasp, he looked himself over and saw himself standing in the thick of winter's weather at night, in his shorts and t-shirt, and felt fine. He felt great, actually, perfectly toasty warm, as if his mom just got done bundling him up in his thick, fluffy snow gear for another wild snow day off from school. Whoa, rockin'!

SPEAKER_01:

Guys, check it out.

Garrett McMahon:

The others joined Ness outside, Jeff humoring them all the while, and felt the effects of doctor Andonut's mysterious ingredient. Like that, eh? A tasteless and odorless chemical compound that adapts your body to extreme temperatures. I'd wager you lot will be right as rain for the next twenty four hours or so. Yes, it's fortunate I can manufacture the stuff practically in my sleep, as they usually sell it to tourists for quite a pretty penny, or to those fools milling around like Tessie or but Dr. Andonutz's words fell on deaf ears, as the situation devolved into a friendly, but nonetheless fierce, snowball fight between the chosen four. The tea long since consumed, the children sat and watched the doctor tinkering along with his elaborate machine. What little fumes he ran on to acknowledge guests, let alone host them, were well and used up. I say, father, what is all this fuss and bother you're working on? I haven't seen you at anything else ever since I was uh well at least a year three. Oh longer than that, my boy, I assure you. This is my life's work. I call it the FaZe Distorter. It will have the ability to bend space and time to its very will. When it's done, of course. The Faze Distorter. Jeff sampled the name in his head, like a drop of fine wine. His father always was better at coming up with names for inventions than he was. Could I would you maybe like I mean when school is shuttered for the winter winter, I'd be happy to oh no, no, no, nothing doing. I couldn't possibly share in the glory for such a grand undertaking. Extra names on grants and patents and such things, you understand? Well it's bad enough I have that blasted double cheeseburger taking my dictation. Dr. Andonuts failed to notice that his dismissal of his son's offer for help, without even looking up from his work, wounded the boy just a little bit, but the others certainly did. Jeff waved off the moment and turned to his friends. Well, I say we leave the good doctor to his devices and spend the remainder of the evening how we like. What to do? There's the board game closet, bound to be something diverting there. I have a collection of ant farms in my room that are getting on brilliantly. There's the family stockpile of fireworks, or maybe Oh, of course I have the first three seasons of Doctor Who recorded on Video Cassette. Prince Pooh suddenly snapped to attention. What did you say? Oh yes, I'm rather fond of the classics. William Hartnell's a wonderful time lord, and the special effects, while primitive, have a certain charm No no no no. Before that Oh, um the stockpile of fireworks? You have fireworks? Well, yes, of course. Every house in Winters has at least a few for emergencies, you understand. Show them to me at once. Well, uh I'd have to um secure all the necessary permissions, and fell out the proper Prince Pooh slammed his hands on the table and snapped to his feet, pointing his finger at Jeff. In my capacity as the heir and parent to the Emperor of Delam, I secure all necessary permissions, absolve you of all consequences, and demand you escort my royal person to the Andonuts family stockpile of fireworks this instant. Oh all right, all right. Keep your trousers on. Jeff easily opened the locked door to the fireworks stockpile with his trusty machine that opens most doors, especially when you have a slightly bent key, portable unlimited trout flavored yogurt dispenser, and pencil eraser. And once shown the immense collection, Prince Pooh's eyes went wide with greed. Firecrackers and Roman candles and Catherine wheels, of course, but then silver dragon's eggs, rainbow brocades, strobing torbillions, electric jellyfish, nuclear whirlwinds, Armageddon crossettes, it was all here and more. Jeff nervously backed away from the prince as he watched a fever take over his companion. Running from the stockpile to the front door with as many rockets and doodads as their arms could carry, Jeff stopped when he was an earshot of his father, who was still giving the complex machine in his lab his full undivided attention. Father, don't mind us. We're just going to light some fireworks in the backyard. Just be sure you don't eat too many, or you'll spoil your appetite in the morning. Jeff and Prince Pooh looked to each other, shrugged, and ran outside with the bundle of explosives in hand. While the prince set up the first round of decorative ordnance in the yard, Jeff went to the kitchen with Ness and Paula in tow to scrape together something for the night's supper. He rummaged through a rather sparse pantry, grumbling. Well, I must apologize, but it seems that doctor Andonuts, I mean my dad, has in his zeal for the pursuit of science once again neglected the stores of provisions. I found some bangers and hoagie rolls in the refrigeration unit, but there's not a blessed thing else to eat except chocolate bars, marshmallows, and what do you call these blasted things? Jeff took a box of something from the top shelf and looked it over. Gram crackers What in the blazes could we possibly What? Jeff looked up to Ness and Paula looking back at him, positively beaming with delight. Well, there you had it. Sure, it was ten degrees Fahrenheit with a steady two feet of snowfall predicted for the evening, but with a belly full of Dr. Andonuts' tea and magic warm all the time chemical compound, and with winter's savory weenies roasting on a bonfire and all the s'mores they could eat, and fireworks booming overhead, for the chosen four, it was as good a summer night in winters as it was anywhere else in the world.

SPEAKER_01:

Woo! Let's do an even bigger one now.

Garrett McMahon:

Prince Pooh was rapacious and mad with power at the fireworks station, while Jeff did everything he could to make sure they both ran far enough away from the lit fuses and kept all their fingers intact. Something long dormant within the prince blossomed that night. As a very young child, long before the real rigors of his emperor to be training ever began, he loved nothing more than the night celebrations in the Dalam capital city, and especially the thundering displays of fireworks. Now with dazzling colors emblazoned in the night sky, and gunpowder booming so loud it shook him in his very heart, to be so close to such an awe-inspiring power that was man-made for once, that didn't come crackling from the fingertips of either himself or some other superpowered being, it exhilarated the prince, in a way he had long forgotten. Ness joined in the fun for a bit at the start, but noticing Paula sitting by herself on a log by the fire, he sat by her side and offered to roast her the perfect golden brown marshmallow for her s'more. He burnt it to a crisp anyway, but Paula didn't seem to mind when he gave it to her with a smile. Paula thought back to her days before joining Ness on his adventure. They were filled with long days of boring lessons at school while overhearing the jeering thoughts of her classmates and teachers alike, and long meals in silence with her father, while overhearing his thoughts of great shame for his strange only child. Sitting alone on a pew and listening to her dad preach sermon after sermon on the importance of keeping in one's thoughts a spirit of conformity and obedience and humility, and dousing the fire in one's heart of pride and ambition and recklessness while overhearing everyone else in the congregation thinking of her. And then long nights and weekend days locked snug behind the bomb shelter doors with books and records and stuffed animals to keep her company, and of course the recurring nightmares of alien attacks and dead friends lying at her feet. She wanted to feel the same joy that Jeff and Prince Pooh felt, but she had no idea where to start.

SPEAKER_01:

Come on, Jeff, bigger ones, more explodey ones.

Garrett McMahon:

Instead, in between toasted s'mores and crispy bangers on buns, swimming in spicy mustard and tomato catsup, as Jeff called it, she asked Ness to tell her all about his home. Ness told her story after story about his adventures in Winette. Walks with his dog and baseball games with his mom and dad, and sleepovers in the treehouse, and long dives into pools and watering holes, of long weekends of especially tough video games and especially scary monster movies that kept him up at night, of the look on his mom's face when years ago he tearfully woke her up to tell her there was a rattling ghost in the top drawer of his dresser. He told her all about the old train bridge, some abandoned tracks over a modest river flowing along the suburban side of Winette. It was a fun little spa for him and his friends, since the train never came, and it was right over the water. They'd hang out there and goof around for hours, until one day, when oh no, there was a train barreling ahead right for them, and they were all like, Yeah, what do we do? And we're gonna die, we're too young to die. Until right at the moment of truth, as the engine's whistle hammered into their ears and rattled their hearts, the boys jumped all the way down into the mucky river, and they walked back to their houses covered in green river slime, thinking they were going to smell like muddy farts for the rest of their lives. Ness had been grounded for a whole week, but it was also the grand impetus that gathered the fathers together to pool their fatherly talents and build for them their beloved tree house. Paula drank it all up, and was greedy for even more. Ness paused to roast another marshmallow for Paula. That all sounds like so much fun. Yeah. Hey, why don't you come over sometime? After this is all over. You you mean it? Of course. I'll show you everything. My house, the tree house, the train bridge Ah yeah!

SPEAKER_01:

That's what I'm talking about.

Garrett McMahon:

Oh I don't know if I want to go on the train bridge, though. Oh don't worry, it's fine. The trains don't run on it anymore. Right, of course. Well, what about your friends? Will they want to share your clubhouse with a girl? Yeah, sure they will. Ness thought about it for a second and frowned. Er they better. I'll fight them if they don't. Paula let out a belly laugh at the sight of Ness, actually putting up his dukes, and imagining himself getting into a tussle defending her honor. This time, Ness actually did roast Paula's marshmallow a nice golden brown. He scraped the gooey thing off his twig with a sandwich of graham crackers and chocolate, and gave it to Paula, with a wide, giddy smile on his face. All her life, if she wasn't teased by her peers, feared by adults, and despised by her father, Paula was only ever afforded the occasional classmate who sat beside her at lunchtime solely because they pitied her, a pity which was by no means not finite. In all her long twelve years of her sad life, she not once ever looked at someone looking back at her with a smile like the big stupid smile plastered all over Nessa's face. Here, right in front of her, was this sweet little boy with melted chocolate and ketchup dripping on his shirt, offering her a mess of melted sugary goop squeezed between crackers, and with that smile assuring her that there was no one else in the whole world he'd rather share this moment with than her. Her, weird, freaky Paula car painter, and no one else, for no other reason than just because she was Paula, and Paula herself was more than good enough. In that moment, she cranked open the blast doors of her heart, and all the misery of her former life in Tucson, and all the hardships on the journey, and all the nightmares of aliens and gygus and dead boys scampered away like cockroaches at the flick of a light switch, and in its place she finally allowed herself to let in joy. Oh no, Paula, what's wrong? All that and she didn't even realize she was crying. She hastily wiped away her tears and accepted the s'more with a smile of her own. Nothing's wrong. Everything's perfect. Everything's gonna be okay. Jeff and Prince Pooh stopped in mid run from a lit fuse and saw Paula lean her head on Ness's shoulder, who let her do it, and actually seemed to like it. Jeff nudged Prince Pooh in the arm with a smile. Ten quid says they're gonna snog. The prince gave him a look of utter bewilderment. Snog? What is snog? Jeff sighed and placed a friendly arm around Prince Pooh's shoulder. Well, my good Master Pooh, when a boy and a girl like each other very much, they transpired that Jeff lost that ten quid after all, for Ness and Paula did not snog, but instead laughed their heads off at the sight of Jeff and the prince toppling over face first into the snow, completely forgetting the lit bunker busting sparkle storm right behind them. As all good things do, the acceptable amount of missing fireworks in the Andinut's stockpile came to an end. They sat by the fire and looked up at the stars, on such a winter's night so clear that you didn't even need a telescope, though Jeff produced his own for the occasion anyway. Then, retiring to the lab for the night, Jeff offered to turn on the first episode of the first season of his favorite show. Ness and Prince Pooh didn't last five minutes before conking out for the night, and with Paula following pretty close behind the sleeping boys right before the episode's end, Jeff curled up beside his friends and slept off the remainder of the great and historic sleepover at Jeffrey Andinutz's house. You've been listening to the Podcast Against Geigas. The Podcast Against Geigas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige Sato Itoi, with production by William Pulowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.