In Which Our Hero Goes Into His Own Mind

Ness wakes to find himself in a strange cartoon world, called Magicant. Existing solely within his own mind, created with the power of the Sanctuaries, unlocked with the Soundstone, and full of wacky visions of people he knew in waking life, good friends and bad friends, Ness wanders around the dream world and tries against all odds to make it all make sense. Worst of all, he has to do it while walking around completely… in his pajamas. 

But it’s not all just squeaky ground, huge vegetables growing like trees, and all his friends wearing ridiculous animal costumes. Here, Ness will encounter incredible truths about his friends, his family, his sworn enemy, even ugh, PORKY, and even his ultimate destiny, all while in this extremely silly place.

Will Prince Poo keep those tiger footy pajamas around? Will “steak flakes” stirred into a batter and baked in the oven taste just as good as the real thing? And will Ness discover the true reason why he was chosen to lead the four in the War Against Giygas?

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Chapters

• 0:00 It’s The Podcast Against Giygas!
• 0:33 My Parents Are Super Weird
• 12:11 Welcome to Magicant
• 29:00 WHAAAAAT?!!!
• 36:04 Thank you for listening!

Transcript

Garrett McMahon: 0:00

You're listening to the podcast against Gaiga. Episode nineteen, in which our hero goes into his own mind. Oh, thank goodness, Ness said to himself when he woke up in his old familiar bed. So it was all a very strange dream. Aliens, meteors, weird cultists from Tucson, zombies, talking monkeys, flying machines, telepathy, telekinesis, teleportation, way too many tellas for comfort. And just who were those kids he never met before anyway? He could barely even point to Winters or Delam on a map. Well, good thing that's all over. Time to stretch the sleep out and wait for King to jump into his bed and begin the day with plenty of pets and slobber. But King was a long time coming, which was unusual for a summer morning. Maybe his mom was taking him on an early walk, or maybe he slept in way later than he thought, especially considering how long and wacky that dream had been. With another good yawn and a big stretch, just in case, Ness swung the covers off and stepped out of bed. But when his toes reached the floor, Ness found that they touched not his slippers as usual, but just the carpet. It was only then that he bothered to look around the rest of his room, and he gasped at what he saw. It was nothing. Nothing at all. Not just the slippers, but every single thing in his room had been somehow removed overnight, leaving him with only the pajamas on his back and the bed he slept on. He ran downstairs and saw that every other room in the house was stripped bare. What was going on? Did his parents move away and somehow forget to bring him with them? He hoped his mom was at least still there. Mom Mom What happened? Where are you? In here, sweetie. Breakfast is almost ready. I made your favorite. Ness ran into the kitchen, which he was shocked to find had nothing in it but the table, the oven, and his mother, almost like one of the local musicals she would star in, his own kitchen a threadbare production. Indeed, while she whiled away at her tasks, she sang a song he heard her sing a million times. I believe the morning sun always gonna shine again. I believe a pot of gold waits at every rainbow's end. In a large grey mixing bowl she poured a grey box full of what looked like some kind of cereal, which Ness could see was labelled steak flakes. I believe in roses kissed and do why shouldn't I believe the same in you buddy? Finishing that verse, she playfully poked her son on the tip of his nose. Then she mixed the flakes with a spoon like a cake batter, and once doing put the whole thing in the oven. After a few seconds, the timer on the oven went ding, and his mother pulled out a platter of nice, rare, juicy steak. Here you go, dig in. Ness brought the plate to the table, where there was no fork or knife to eat the stuff. Luckily the oven had thought to pre-cut the meat into long slices, and so he ate a couple pieces with his fingers, his mother watching his every move. And wouldn't you know it? It was really good, perfectly cooked sizzling steak. As far as he knew. I'm so glad you like it, sweetie. You know, if you want to, when this is all over, you can stay here. If you really wanted to, you could stay forever. Mom okay, this is really weird now what? Just then, the black rotary phone in the living room rang, and Ness used this as an excuse to get away from the strange goings on at the kitchen. He went to the living room and picked up the phone, half figuring he already knew who would be on the other line as usual. Elliot Residence? Hey a slugger, it's your dad. Hi Dad, what's up? Just wanted to let you know you need four thousand nine hundred and forty-nine more EXP points to the next level up. And I just deposited your latest batch of earnings into your account. Based on how many enemies you beat and how much you've spent so far, you should have nine billion eight hundred fifty one, three hundred and sixty-eight thousand nine hundred and ninety dollars. Don't spend it all in one place.

SPEAKER_03: 5:10

What anyway, do you need me to save your game? Sure, you can uh save my game.

Garrett McMahon: 5:21

And done. Well, your dear old dad is thinking of hitting the hay for the night. Best you do the same. Get some rest. Good night, Slugger. Sleep tight. Um Dad, I think you got the Tokyo time zones messed up again. It's morning here. I just woke up. Ah, well. Ness, you like to work hard, just like your mother. But I don't think it's good to work too hard, you know? Think about it. Anyway, till next time, Slugger. Till next time. His house was empty, and both of his parents were acting super weird. Was it some kind of prank? An act they put on before some kind of surprise announcement they would soon reveal, and gently laugh at their poor, confused son while they pat him on the head and assure him everything's back to normal now, but we got you, we got you so good, didn't we? Before he could wonder anymore, he was interrupted by a knock at the door, or at least someone's idea of one, if it sounded in fact more like a drum roll followed by shaving a haircut two bits, somehow still off the beat. Ness sighed and hurried to the door, realizing he all but recognized a knock like that. He opened the front door and found himself not at all surprised. There was his next door neighbor, Minch, the mayor's oldest boy, and by all accounts Ness's very good friend, at least if an adult were to ask him if he was so. Hey, Ness Ugh What do you want, porky? Ness surprised even himself when that name came so freely out of his mouth, but it positively stunned Minch.

SPEAKER_03: 6:59

Ness!

Garrett McMahon: 7:00

I I told you As much as Minch tried to stop it from coming, his anger over that insult turned to sorrow. He hastily wiped tears away from his eyes, as if thinking if he did it fast enough that Ness wouldn't notice they were ever there. I told you not to call me that Oh oh my gosh, Minch, I'm I'm sorry Porky let himself in and plopped himself down on the Elliot House couch and let out fresh tears. Ness normally would have been miffed by the intrusion, but given the circumstances he let it slide this time. He cautiously approached his erstwhile friend and stood beside him.

SPEAKER_03: 7:43

You you know everyone else calls me that. I thought you were my friend Mensch is this a trick? I didn't I I thought you Ness I don't know how to do it. Everyone likes you, but I don't know how to get them to like me. Maybe I'm just not as lucky as you. Maybe if we were friends I could learn how. I could learn from you Let's just be friends then, okay, Ness? Let's be friends forever. Mensch, I'm so sorry.

Garrett McMahon: 8:19

I I didn't know you were as Ness watched his neighbor weeping on the couch, he came close to realizing something about himself. Something that for the entire journey he shoved way way down into the bottom of the big dirty clothes hamper that was his mind. Something that made him feel horrible. Don't worry, Ness. He's not real. None of them are. Ness hadn't heard that voice in a long time, but he instantly recognized it. He turned around and saw floating right above him a man he had technically never seen before. Wearing a sleek silver spacesuit, a huge helmet with eyes that made him look like a bug, with a breathing tube that hooked up to a strange rocket pack in the back. That same machine had some kind of peripheral appendages that propelled him in the air, flapping thousands of times per second like a hummingbird's wings, and if you thought about it really hard, you could imagine it sounded like the buzzing of a bee. It was none other than the grown-up, fully human-sized version of that very first friend of his he had never met before. BuzzBuzz. That is not my name, but yes. Good to see you again, Nestalia DeVirth.

SPEAKER_03: 9:37

You you're alive?

Garrett McMahon: 9:39

No. I did indeed meet the end of my physical existence at the hands of the large Minch woman. But a tiny sliver of my consciousness lingered in the sandstone. As soon as you leave this place, I will disappear along with it. We're inside the soundstone? Not quite. The sandstone was merely a key. The four sanctuaries of this planet were the locks, and they opened a door directly into your mind. Into a world called Magikant. Here, let me show you. Buzz Buzz waved his hand, and board by board Ness's house disintegrated, leaving only the living room floor with his mother standing by and holding that platter of just cooked sizzling steak, King lying on the rug wagging his tail, and Porky weeping on the couch. Then the house disappeared, and Ness finally saw the world around him. A surreal inversion of oneette, with huge vegetables for trees, purple and pink carrots, blue and green tomatoes, red and orange tufts of cauliflower sprouting from the ground. Sometimes it was winter with pink snow, or summer with bright orange sky and a purple sun behind blue clouds. And then only seconds later a green snow winter all over again. There were houses from Gwinnette, little bungalows from Tucson, huge skyscrapers from Foreside, and even the bizarre upside down houses from the Saturn village, all haphazardly laid out together. And then there were the people. Everyone was someone he recognized, either people he knew very well, like Paula, Jeff, and Prince Pooh, or people he met only for a little while in his journey, like the friendly sea captain in Summers. Or even if he only saw them for just a short time, like the sad barista at Foresight. Some of them were old teachers or classmates of his, or even boys on the baseball team from a competing school in games played long ago. And all of them were dressed in some kind of furry animal costume. Paula was a kangaroo with a teddy bear in her pouch, Jeff a big glasses wearing owl, and Prince Pooh a tiger. He waved to his friends, who didn't recognize him. Paula hopped away, Jeff flew up into a broccoli tree branch, and Prince Pooh roared a not very tiger-like and rather very boy sounding rarr before crawling off on all fours. There was the sea captain, as a shark, of course, walking on his tail fin and getting into a boxing match with the hint booth hippie as a sloth, who, it transpired, was not particularly good at boxing. Speaking of sharks, Frankie Fly and his gang were now cute fluffy little rabbits, who bounced around and munched on carrots. There were the runaway five, the two lead singers were roosters, crowing and cawing, and the rest of the band parrots, making just as much of a racket. Paula's dad, the Reverend Car Painter, was now a big blue cow walking on all fours and mooing and trying to eat the grass, but spitting it back out because he was still a person. And even the chief of Wennet Police was there, a big bloodhound running around with a big mallet, smashing the heads of his other deputies, all big huge moles, arguing over which ones were the third strongest. When they got hit by the chief, they grew big bumps on their heads and blubbered their lips with their fingers as canaries flew around them chirping. Hey, look at that. One of those canaries was the girl at Summers who liked baking magic cakes. There were even the founding Padres, now three big tomcats, singing the same strange caterwalling song that everyone was screeching out of tune. It was a very silly place. When you brought the soundstone to each of the four sanctuaries, the power of the planet came together in your mind where you created this world and filled it with your beauty, kindness, sorrow, and hatred. Let's go for a walk. Buzz Buzz floated in mid-air and led Ness deeper into this wacky cartoon world. Even though Ness was outside in only his pajamas and barefoot, he wasn't even close to being the most ridiculous looking person there. In fact, if there was any place in the universe where a boy should be outside in only his pajamas and barefoot, it was Magikand. The grass was soft like a shag carpet. The ground beneath him was squishy and resilient, and it squeaked like one of King's doggy toys with every step he took. Being careful to keep up with Buzz Buzz, he jumped around on the rubbery ground, as if it were a big bouncy bed, with no parents around to tell him that he couldn't. You like that, huh? It is also in magicant that you will discover your true power. Power? What power? Psionic power, Ness. Psionic You mean I can do what Paula can do? Those who wield psionic power have talents unique to themselves. It manifests in Paula as telepathic empathy and pyrokinetic ferocity. In Prince Pooh, his great discipline allows him to slice through time and space itself. And in his own way, even Jeff's ability to invent such wonderful machines is a sort of preternatural power, isn't it? So my power is that what happened when I fought Prince Pooh on the ship? That is a fraction of it, yes. Its full extent remains to be seen. Ah, here we are. I trust you'll find this venue accommodating. Buzz Buzz motioned toward none other than his beloved tree house in his friend Gordy's backyard. Overjoyed, Ness climbed the wooden steps and pulled himself up to find not just Gordy, but all of his friends there, even Paula, Jeff, and Prince Pooh. They were all in their pajamas like Ness was, except Prince Pooh, who still wore his silly tiger footy suit. It looked like another big sleepover was on, and indeed there was a huge TV set up in the clubhouse, for which everyone lounged upon a couch or the floor and kept their full attention, munching on buttery popcorn and guzzling down cans of cherry coke all the while. Buzzbuzz motioned toward the TV, and Ness sat down on the couch in between Maxwell and Jeff and watched the screen as it turned on. Over 100 years ago, this race abducted a man and a woman from your planet and kept them for their studies and experiments. Ness saw on the screen a real dusty, old-timey log cabin, the kind from a time where the men wore rough flannel and overalls, and the women wore frilly gangham dresses, and someone was always playing a banjo somewhere. Indeed, the caption beneath it read, The year is 1890X. Podunk, a small town in Eagle Land. The man and woman who lived in the cabin, looking straight out of that painting he saw at school of the old frowning farmer holding a pitchfork with his wife, looked up at the night sky to see a blinding flash of light. The next second they were gone. The alien race was a peaceful one, at least back in those days. And though the humans were their captives, they treated them with kindness and charity. They allowed the woman, whose name was Maria, to adopt a child of their own kind. The scene cut to the old timer and his wife aboard the alien spaceship. Liquid silver sort of human-shaped aliens poked and prodded them on occasion, but as BuzzBuzz said, they looked like they also treated them pretty well. The next scene showed the woman, Maria, rocking a cradle in what looked like the aliens' best guests at a human child's room. The baby in the cradle had a silver appendage that wagged like a dog's tail. This infant would later become the being you now know as Gygus. Nest then saw Maria singing a lullaby to the alien in the crib, and they both looked happy. But as the years went on, the other who, whose name was George, grew to resent his captivity. He stole the alien's psionic power from self and escaped. Now Nest saw the man, George, running through the ship's hulls, blasting death rays at closing doors and firing them at pursuing aliens, dragging a reluctant Maria by the hand. Who kept looking behind her. This left a scar on the young Gygas that stayed with him his whole life. He felt betrayed by his adopted parents, unwanted, abandoned. And when he came of age and his race asked for a volunteer to lead their armies on a campaign to eradicate any and all other races with psionic power, he answered the call. Ness saw legions of starmen marching in formation, hundreds of flying saucers zipping through a starry sky, and the liquid silvery finger pointing to the horizon, commanding them in that horrible, telepathic, screeching voice to go forth and conquer. In a montage, he saw dozens of planets full of alien life forms, some kind of human, some not even a little bit, all fall to the wrath of Gygus and his starmen. He exacted his vengeance against the universe with an unprecedented ruthlessness and efficiency. He won time and time again and laid waste to hundreds of worlds. But even this was not enough. Gygas wanted a total victory. The TV screen showed a pair of black and green, gangrenous withering hands give the silvery talon hand a strange golden ball. The silver hand of Gaius snatched it away all too eagerly. And so he consulted an ancient alien technology called the Apple of Enlightenment, which can reveal the future to any who look upon it and offer the user infinite chances to travel through time and amend his fate. To his dismay, he learned through the apple that he was doomed to fail when three boys and one girl rise up against him. The golden ball folded and clicked into intricate shapes and patterns, and in Geigas' hand revealed a shadowy image of his monstrous self fighting three boys and a girl, each one wielding massive blasts of psionic power at the other. In the end, the children overpower the monster. Desperate to escape his fate, Gigas exploited the apple to re-emerge in hundreds of different eras. Each time he falls against a given chosen four of that era. Ness, take a good look at these four brave children. Now Ness saw a fierce battle in real time, with four flesh and blood children bravely facing the unseen monster in a pitch black space somewhere. They reminded him a lot of himself and his friends. Their leader fired crackling yellow rays of pure destructive energy, and he also wielded a baseball bat. Hey, he even wore a red baseball cap. There was a girl beside the boy, in pigtails and a nice little dress like Paula's, and she wielded telekinesis, as well as big psionic force fields. And hey, she even swung around a big iron skillet, too. There were two other boys with them, one of them a small, scrawny, kind of glasses-wearing nerdy type like Jeff, and most notable of all, he was an albino. Ness knew another albino. His uncle Lloyd was one. Well, not really his uncle, but a very good friend of his parents. When they learned about albinos in school, he already knew most of the lesson, because his uncle Lloyd already taught him so much about it before. He really liked his Uncle Lloyd. He was super smart, like Jeff and Dr. Andinuts. And if it wasn't for his help, he would have never passed most of his science classes. The last boy was much older than the others, much bigger and stronger too. He had long black hair, slicked into a prominent pompadour, and wore dark sunglasses, even though it was dark where they were. He reminded Ness of his Uncle Teddy, another dear friend of his dad's. Ness loved his Uncle Teddy. He sang in a rockabilly punk band, and though his dad said he wasn't old enough yet to listen to his songs, his uncle Teddy gave him a tape to secretly listen to when his parents were around. And it was really good. A lot of spooky sci-fi and horror-themed songs, actually. Uncle Teddy was always joking around with his dad, teasing him, getting him flustered over some such nonsense or other, and it always cracked up Ness to see his dad get so mad at him, then instantly laugh it all away and be best friends with him again. Well, these four children beat Gygus too, and was he seeing the screen right? Did they do it by singing a song? However they did it, Gygus screeched in agony and blew up in a cloud of smoke and went away forever. The lead boy sucked on an inhaler after the fight and took in deep breaths. He had asthma. Ness had seen those inhalers before. His dad had asthma too, for pretty much his whole life. And then the boy and girl gave each other a look that was much more than just relief that the long and hard battle was over and their friends were safe. They were in love. Time went on after that fight with Gygus, and the boy and girl grew older. They visited each other when they could, and they kept in touch telepathically when they couldn't. Oh, that's sweet. They went to movies together and held hands, took walks in the park and along the beach, and even went to runaway five shows together and kissed. Gross. The boy went to her high school prom, and she went to his right after. They went to the same college, and about five years or so after they graduated, he proposed to her with a big diamond ring. Ness saw them getting married, going on their honeymoon to Japan, getting older and older. Now they were grown-ups. And the boy was a man with a nice bushy dad mustache, and the girl was a woman with a baby. They decided to move to Oneette. Neat, Ness thought. I've been living in the same town as the last heroes who fought against Skygus. They weighed their options and settled on a nice house at 257 Juniper Street. Not too big, but big enough to raise a child. Or even a couple more if they wanted Wait a minute. 257 Juniper Street? That's That's where Ness kept watching, as the man and woman brought in boxes of stuff and furniture, and holding up her hands like a symphony conductor, she telekinetically unpacked and arranged the entire house to their liking in seconds. Exactly the way Ness remembered his house. He saw the mother holding the newborn baby boy in her arms with the dad beside her, preparing a bottle of milk. I think he'll grow up to be a hard worker like you, she said to her husband. I don't think he has to be rich or famous, but I want him to be a thoughtful, strong boy. Try putting your red hat on him. It's too big for him now, but it looks good on him. And just when his father finished filling the bottle with milk, the baby reached out his hands and the bottle seemed to float away from his dad and toward him. Oh boy, he said with a laugh as he grabbed it out of the baby's telepathic reach, the way another parent would when lovingly snatching their toddler away from some household danger or other. Ness watched all this happen in his bedroom.

SPEAKER_01: 27:18

Do you mean does this mean that?

Garrett McMahon: 27:23

That's right, Ness. You are the latest descendant in a long line of those two humans who first obtained psionic power. The last heroes to face Gygus' wrath as the chosen four were among them none other than Nanten and Pollyanna Elliot. Your parents.

SPEAKER_03: 29:12

My mom and dad. They could all this time, but why didn't they tell me?

Garrett McMahon: 29:21

If they had, then you would have made the same mistake that Gygus made. He and his kind thought that psionic power was a birthright to be claimed, an entitlement, a cudgel to wield and to abuse. But it is instead a great honor and a privilege to be earned, and only by those who exhibit great courage, wisdom, and friendship. And there were those words once again, and Ness realized then that they truly mattered after all. Those beautiful moments in the sanctuaries told him so, especially in the Lumen Hall, as if that place was judging him by his performance on the entire journey. Exactly how did you get all the way here? Were you brave enough to face your enemies beside your friends, or even alone to defend those friends? Were you wise enough to make the best decisions under less than ideal circumstances? And when your companions were down, did you have the love and friendship in your heart to lift them back up again? Are you, Ness Elliot of Earth, worthy of the great responsibility that is psionic power? Without even knowing there was a test, Ness passed it with flying colors. Literally, if his presence in the world of magic and was any indication to go by. Flying colors everywhere. Yeah, I think you're right.

SPEAKER_03: 30:45

I think I get it now.

Garrett McMahon: 30:48

It was the same mistake I made. I had powers of my own, very similar to yours. I thought they were enough to face Skygas head-on and alone. They were not. It is why I went back in time to meet you, to warn you, to show you the proper way. I'm sorry I couldn't save you back then. When the Minches came over, Mr. Say, what is your name? I'm afraid I can't tell you my true name, or else both of our heads will explode. Nessa's eyes went wide in alarm. Um Yeah, I've seen it happen. It's not pretty. And don't worry about me. The future I come from is not a pleasant one. It is the simple fact that if you succeed in your quest, I will disappear completely, and indeed, I will have never even existed. I I want that for you, Ness. With all my heart. For a second, Ness's companion seemed uncharacteristically sad. It wasn't long enough, however, for Ness to ask why, and for the strange man to reveal just why he had similar powers as Ness had, why his voice sounded so familiar to the boy in his mind, how a fraction of his consciousness was inside Ness's own mind along with him, how he knew to travel exactly where he did ten years into the past, and then what exactly to telepathically say to Ness's parents to prepare their child for his journey, and when he did, by the way, how Ness's parents recognized exactly who he was, and so gave him the silly nickname that their young son was to know him by, BuzzBuzz. Let's continue on. There's one more thing for you to see. The man patted Ness on the shoulder and motioned away from the tree house. Ness nodded and waved goodbye to his friends, who ignored him and simply turned on another cartoon. As he left and climbed down the wooden steps, BuzzBuzz hovering over his shoulder. Having reached squeaky ground, Buzzbuzz motioned far out from the goofball world around Ness. There lied a land of darkness and foreboding, a long and narrow trail of sharp rock within a bubbling ocean of black slime. Thunder and lightning crashed all over, though there was no rainfall to be seen. All of which led the eye to an ominous focal point, a whirlwind of grey smoke. Of course, there's an evil and violent side to everyone, and so there is for you, yes. The Sea of Eden sits at the center of those feelings. It will take you to the truth about yourself. And then I'll have to face him? Gygous? Yes. You can confront Gygas in his present form, or you can make the choice that none of your predecessors ever made, to attack him at his weakest point, deep into his past, long before he ever acquired the apple of enlightenment. Which would mean he'd never be able to fight this war again? No. It would mean he'd have never even fought it at all. Well, that's it then. It's got to be that. It's a harder choice than you think. Your predecessors, especially your parents, had their reasons for choosing how they did. Whatever happens, there is no wrong decision. It depends on what is important to you. Also, you must remember this, if nothing else. Lock it in your heart and don't open it again until you need it. Gigas was the one who involved time travel in his war, and no one else. Purile as it may seem to say, he started it. When he used the apple of enlightenment for such abuses, he made the conscious choice to become accountable for his actions anywhere in his own timeline. That is the terrible price one must pay when such a holy object is used for selfishness and harm.

SPEAKER_03: 34:55

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Garrett McMahon: 34:57

Buzz Buzz sighed and nodded his head. Then as he rose higher in the air, he looked as though he was fading away. Indeed, there was some faint particles of dust or some such thing gently blowing off him and floating away with a gentle wind. You will, when the time is right. I don't want to discourage you when you're so close to the end. Besides, do you remember how much you didn't understand before? Do you remember when you first started you could barely take a step out your front door? Look how far you've come now. As frightened as you may be now, Gaius is just as scared of you and your friends. No matter what you decide, together you are fated to win. As he finished speaking, BuzzBuzz, as well as the fun and wacky world of Magikant, disintegrated into dust and blew away, just like the soundstone after playing the full melody. With no other choice, he looked to the horizon behind him, toward that awful black ocean, the Sea of Eden, where his evil and violent thoughts held full sway. You've been listening to the podcast against Geigas. The Podcast Against Geigas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shige Sato Itoi, with production by William Pulowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.