In Which Our Hero Goes Home Again

We’re at the home stretch! Ness now has awesome psionic power crackling at his fingertips, and the only thing left to do is prepare for the final battle against Giygas, the Destroyer of Worlds!

With the help of Dr. Andonuts, and a few cute fluffy little friends, the Chosen Four decide to travel deep into the past and strike at Giygas at his weakest point. The only problem is, Dr. Andonuts needs a power source for his new machine, and the only one it can take is an extraterrestrial rock! Luckily, Ness knows exactly where to find a big rock that came from another planet…

Will the Chosen Four get their hands on a sample of the mysterious Zexonyte ? Will Ness’s newfound ice powers pull through for him in the end, or maybe Jeff’s newly-made Pencil Eraser AND Eraser Eraser, or maybe Paula’s ability to flip her eyelids back (probably not, but they’re all fun to do anyhow)? Will they have the courage to confront the entire Starman army, and its leader the Starman Deluxe, with a little help from his… family?!

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

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You’re listening to… The Podcast Against Giygas!

Episode twenty-one: In Which Our Hero Goes Home Again

*

On the walk back to the Andonuts Labouratory, Ness gave it the old college try to explain to his friends what happened in his head while he was out cold, but in between a fully-grown Buzz-Buzz and the bouncy-bounce ground and rainbow world Magicant, the revolting Sea of Eden and the knock-down drag out fight with his worst nightmare, Flying Man, exploding trees, his parents having superpowers, some kind of Enlightenment Apple, and not to mention talking to hour-later himself? He figured as much that their main takeaway would be how funny it would be if Prince Poo actually wore tiger footy-pajamas to bed.

Back in the world of Magicant, Buzz-Buzz had told Ness that the extent of his psionic power remained to be seen, and one apparent, and very welcome, new addition to his powers was the ability to withstand the Winters cold. Not as completely as if he was full of Dr. Andonuts’s compound, of course, but like Prince Poo, enough to walk in the snow and feel like he had a nice winter coat on. And a good thing, too, because enough time had passed from their time in the Lumine Hall to that rumble with the Starman Deluxe that once they returned to Dr. Andonuts’s labouratory the miracle warmth elixir would be well and worn off. 

The temperature was not the main thing on their minds when the children arrived at the Andonuts lab, however. It was more the large plume of black smoke rising from the lab, the walls with bombed-out holes and piles of rubble, and that, once inside, they saw that the entire lab was destroyed, and everything that wasn’t valuable was smashed, crushed, and burnt to a crisp.

Jeff saw his father lying on his back on the floor alongside some junk and torn notebooks, groggy, disoriented, but apparently uninjured.

—Dr. Andonuts! I mean, father!

He ran to his father and got him to his feet, who then fumbled around the floor for his glasses while keeping his eyes on the fuzzy wintergreen talking blob standing before him.

—Finally! You must be the Oxbridge intern I’ve been asking after for months now. That worthless Double Cheeseburger, running off after the first spot of bother…

—What in the blazes are you on about? It’s me, Jeffrey!

Dr. Andonuts found his glasses, and putting them on his face regarded the boy for the first time through them.

—Ah! So you are.

—Well… what happened here?! Are you alright?

—In the order your questions were received, my answers are as follows: some time after you left the lab, I was minding my own business continuing my research, when some corpulent and rather aggravating boy, and a mob of what I could only guess were extra-terrestrials, turned the whole place upside down. And… as well as I can be, with my entire lab in a shambles. Well, let’s see if I can root through this mess and scrape up a cuppa for you lot. 

Even in the face of complete ruin, Dr. Andonuts was a Winters man and a Winters man had his priorities. Soon enough, the children were seated in a less-ruined wing of the lab and sipping the good doctor’s famous “nice cup of tea.”

Ness felt awful for the doctor to be sure, who, even if he was a little absent-minded, had been nothing to them but hospitable. But another part of him knew he urgently needed to continue his quest, and his time within his own mind showed him the way, showed him exactly what he needed to do, and whose help he needed to get there.

—Dr. Andonuts, I hate to ask you at a time like this, but, you said before you were working on something that could travel through space and time?

—Well, that’s just it, young man. Those blasted aliens and that blasted pig boy made off with the jewel of my research, my life’s work. The Phase Distorter is gone. 

—I’m, sorry if this is a stupid question, but is there any way we could make another one?

—Young man, I will not tell you that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but I assure you that was not one. It is at the very crux of my current despondency. And the answer, most unfortunately, is no. Or perhaps, if you gave me thirty more years time... Even my notes are unusable. That blasted Double Cheeseburger, all this time, he wasn’t even taking dictation. Look!

Dr. Andonuts showed them some notebooks. There were indeed a lack of scientific notes scribbled upon the pages, and far more crude drawings of Cro-Mag hunters chucking spears at mammoths and dinosaurs, that sort of thing.

—It bears noting that they do resemble your early compositions, Jeffrey. Circa long before your proper schooling… Hm. I wonder what the correlation is in that. It offers me a twinge of sentimentality in this little dark night of the soul of mine, in any case. 

Right beside the notebooks, Dr. Andonuts produced some worn crayon drawings clearly done by a young child. One of them, if you squinted hard enough, looked like the Sky Runner, with a young Jeff and a slightly-younger Dr. Andonuts taking off into outer space. Scrawled on the bottom in red and green crayon letters was TO THE MOUN WITH JEFFEY AND DOCTER ANDONUTS! I MEAN DAD! 

—…you saved my childhood drawrings?

—Well, purely for scientific inquiries, you understand.

—…right, of course. 

—At any rate, I’m sorry to say that it would be a profound impossibility to produce another such machine at the juncture in which you require.

Jeff frowned and slammed his tea on the table.

—No! I don’t accept that. “Nothing is impossible, if you’re stuck in a rut you only have your limited intellect to blame!”

—Pah! Why, whoever said that great lot of codwallop?

—You did!

Dr. Andonuts sighed, placed his teacup on the table and went to his son, putting an arm on his shoulder and speaking to him with the same gravity another parent would tell their child that the family dog had been hit by a car.

—I’m sorry, my boy. The truth is there are two kinds of impossible. There's one, which, yes, is just a stepping stone to a breakthrough, the invention of flight and so on. And then there's just impossible. The pure creation or destruction of matter, an object in motion stopping by itself, or, time travel. It’s very Newtonian, you see. Let me put it this way. The only way I could build another is if I... well, if I went to the Saturn Village. 

A light twinkled in Jeff’s eye and he sprang to his feet.

—Well, that’s no problem at all! I’ve bean to the Saturn Village before! We all have!

—Oh, come now, Jeffrey, this is no time for nonsense-

Jeffrey stamped his foot on the floor, which surprised his father into silence.

—It’s not nonsense! I can take you there right now!

And with that, the children and Dr. Andonuts huddled before the last intact aluminum wall of the Andonuts labouratory, and after launching one of his trusty bottle rockets in the air, Jeff guided the missile by his trusty remote control right into the middle of the wall, blowing open a wide hole and revealing…

…the other side of that wall, which was a snowy drafty Winters field. Dr. Andonuts glared at his son.

—Jeff…REY!

Jeffrey gave his father a sheepish look.

—Erm… now that I think of it, there might have been a variable I overlooked… 

But before the doctor could give his son a thrashing or not, Prince Poo stepped forward.

—Wait. You really have been there before? Then I can teleport us all! Just like how we got here, just think about it and send the thought to me. 

—Ack! You couldn’t have mentioned that before this dunderhead starting blowing more holes in my labouratory?

*

Prince Poo apologized to Dr. Andonuts in advance for the bumpy ride that was to come, and had him hold hands in between Jeff and Paula just in case, with Ness still taking up the caboose. Then, with Ness thinking with all his might about the wonderful dip in the Grapefruit Falls, and Paula sending that thought to the Prince, they zipped through in mere seconds thousands of miles, and a few dimensions, arriving at the wacky Saturn Village.

They were greeted by a mob of Mr. Saturns who immediately recognized the children and welcomed them back in their goofy language. Dr. Andonuts looked at the non-Euclidean houses, yellow grass, green sky, and pink and purple trees in utter disbelief, while Jeff looked on with a big grin.

—Is this… really…

—Yes, father.

—Are they… are they speaking-

—They are, father!

—Well… blow me down!

One of the Mr. Saturns approached the doctor and introduced himself with a giggle and a couple backflips.

—Bloooopy zoom, zippy dippy deeee!

Dr. Andonuts regarded the creature for a long while before letting out a big laugh himself (though he opted not to backflip).

—Ah… well, why didn’t you say so, man?

Without wasting any time, the children and Dr. Andonuts explained the situation to the Mr. Saturns, who replied in glee that they absolutely could help the doctor build another Phase Distorter, in fact, they were just thinking about one last night, and if they all put their minds together they’d have it ready in no time!

The children once again became accustomed to Dr. Andonuts hard at work on a round metal vessel of some kind and paying them little to no attention. But now they were in the Saturn Village once again, and there were plenty of fun little diversions to be had. Ness made sure to heartily recommend the Grapefruit Falls to the others, and in between listening to some good Wappenzoofle-shlub and playing some rigorous games of Quippenblushey Fumposhmitz, the Mr. Saturns also had a great deal of advanced scientific principles and abilities to teach the Chosen Four.

Ness came running up to Prince Poo, who was keeping to himself, and was he… doodling something on that scroll? Whatever it was, he hid it behind his back before Ness could see.

—Hey, Prince Poo, check it out!

Ness pointed his hands at the grass, his eyes went blank and a ring! chimed in the Prince’s mind. A blast of ice shot out of his fingertips and generated a snowman before them. 

—I have ice powers! The Mr. Saturns showed me how to do that!

Prince Poo grumbled and folded his arms.

—That would have been very useful at the Fire Spring. 

—Uh, yeah… whoops, sorry, hehe. Hey look, I made you this!

Activating his power the same way, Ness summoned what looked like an intricately-crafted ball of ice and plopped it in Prince Poo’s hands. 

—It’s a snowglobe!

Prince Poo inspected the thing, and it indeed appeared to be sculpted in the shape of the round planet earth.

—…you could have thrown one of these, at the fire monsters, in the Fire Spring!

—But it’s a snow, globe. Get it? A snow…globe! Do you like it?

Prince Poo rolled his eyes and gave up with a sigh.

—It’s beautiful, Ness. I’ll cherish it forever.

Ness let out a stupid giddy cheer and ran back to the Mr. Saturns for more fun, at which point, of course, the snow globe instantly melted in Prince Poo’s hands. 

Later, while secluded in another remote part of the village and working on the same doodle, Jeff came bursting in with his intricate machine, which again caused the Prince to hastily hide his scroll.

—I say, Prince Poo, look here! It is possible to construct a Pencil Eraser, and an Eraser Eraser! The Mr. Saturns showed me how it’s done! See?

Jeff placed a thumb-sized pink rubber eraser before them, pointed his invention at it, and after a push of a button a ray emerged from the thing and the eraser vanished.

—I now call it the “Machine That Opens Most Doors Especially When You Have a Slightly-Bent Key, Portable Unlimited Trout-Flavoured Yoghurt Dispenser, Pencil Eraser, AND Eraser Eraser!” Huzzah! And now, it fits right in your pocket!

Prince Poo yelled at Jeff through gritted teeth, and was so mad he actually waved his arms up and down. 

—We’re not even in Winters anymore, Jeff! What good is an Eraser Eraser gonna do now?!

—But don’t you see? It’s a thing that erases the thing, and a thing that erases the thing that erases the thing! In one and the same instance! Just don’t bring this into an eraser shop!

—There’s no such thing as an eraser shop!

—Well, not yet! But with this major scientific breakthrough, anything is possible now!

From behind the two boys they could hear Paula catching up to them.

—Hey, boys! Look what the Mr. Saturns taught me how to do!

—AARGH! I DON’T WANNA KNOW!

Prince Poo stormed off as Paula caught up to Jeff.

—Huh. I wonder what’s up his butt. I was just gonna say, the Mr. Saturns taught me how to flip my eyelids back. See?

Paula did so, and then made a gleefully ugly face to Jeff.

—Haha! Brilliant!

—Want me to teach you?

—Yes!

A few hours after that, at another secluded part of the Village, Prince Poo was still hard at work doodling on the scroll, lying on his back, his feet dangling up in the air. Ness approached from behind.

—Heya, Poo.

Prince Poo jumped out of his skin with a shout and hastily hid the scroll behind him.

—What?!

—The Mr. Saturns are teaching us a game called Whippenshnoots. It’s a lot of fun! Want to come play?

—Sure, that sounds great. I’ll join you in a moment.

—Say… watcha workin on?

—Nothing!

—…is it a drawing? Can I see?

—Yes. I mean no! I mean it is but... you…

Ness tried to sneak a peek behind Prince Poo, who scrambled out of his reach in a desperate game of keep-away, a game which Ness, to the Prince’s utter dismay, eventually won.

Ness opened the scroll and gasped. It was his familiar dopey face drawn by the Dalaamese mystic seers, but Prince Poo had added a full body to the face, and his three good friends beside him. They were posing before the photographer man, Ness with his two fingers up, and a word balloon pointing from his mouth with some words in his country’s pictographic script.

—Whoa! It’s all of us! Rockin! And… what am I saying there?

Prince Poo looked to his shoes, utterly mortified.

—You're saying, uh, “fuzzy pickles,” in Dalaamese.

—Haha! Fuzzy pickles! Wow, this is awesome! Hey, guys! Check it out!

—No! Don’t…

But it was too late. Paula and Jeff were on their way.

—A remarkable likeness! And you made my teeth nice and straight!

—Oh my goodness, Prince Poo, you look so cute! I wish I could just pinch your little cheeks!

—I say, father, take a look at what our friend Prince Poo made for us…

—No! No, don’t…

But it was too late. Of all things, Prince Poo’s drawing was enough of a diversion to break Dr. Andonuts from his important work for a moment.

—Good show, young man. Bold confident lines and interesting use of negative space. I think you have a natural knack for the thing. Hm, maybe there is an expert in art among these gentle folk. I say, Mr. Saturns…

—Argh! No!

But it was too late. The Chosen Four and the doctor were hounded by Mr. Saturns, who simply loved the drawing. In fact, it was so good they hung it in the Mr. Saturn gallery with pride of place. There, for all time, the Mr. Saturns could admire the heroes of Saturn Village, who rescued them from the dastardly clutches of Master Belch and the zombie invasion of Threed, and who were destined to save the world entire.

—Perfect! I just wish we had a…

—NO! DON’T SAY IT!

AAAARGH! NOOOO!

—Photos taken instantaneously !I am a photographic genius, if I don’t say so myself!

—Come on, everyone, get in! Get the scroll in the shot too! C’mon Poo, get in here!

—…ugh. Alright…

—Okay, get ready for an instant memory! Look at the camera, ready… say, “fuzzy pickles!”

—FUZZY PICKLES!!!!

*

Finally, Dr. Andonuts summoned the children to his workspace. The Phase Distorter Mark II was coming along brilliantly, as if it had never went missing at all. Of course, there was one big notable difference: the machine was built in the shape of a gigantic metal Mr. Saturn, complete with a shiny-chrome snout in the front and a silvery wireframe antenna in the shape of a bow tie. 

—We are nearing completion of the Phase Distorter Mark II at long last! And I must say, I am greatly indebted to these Saturn folk. I have never seen such sharp scientific minds in all my days, least of all on that pedestrian planet we all call home.

—Beep beep a zoom zip!

—Well, you heard the man! The Phase Distorter Mark II now only lacks a power source. Unfortunately, the precise one it requires cannot be procured here. We need a material called Zexonyte. It is extraterrestrial in nature, and so can only be gathered on this planet from a fallen meteorite.

Ness’s eyes lit up.

—Perfect! Come on, guys, let’s go!

His friends gave him a blank stare, which deflated the pep in his step.

—Well, what are we waiting for? We have to get to a meteor. It’s easy!

—…it is?

—Well, yeah! 

—…how so?

—We just go to where… the meteor is. Right guys?

—Oh, right… so… where would that be?

—Ugh! There’s a great big meteor in Onett!

—…there is?

—Yeah! It’s like, it was like the first thing that, it’s… 

—Oh. Well, okay. 

—Argh! Come on, let’s go already! 

Ness took up the back of the teleportation chain as usual, and thought of that spot on top of the hill that summer night in Onett, a day that seemed like years ago, and just like that, they vanished. 

The children re-emerged under the starry night sky in Onett, standing before that fateful spot stuck in Ness’s mind, where so long ago the war against Giygas began. Ness wasted no time, approaching the formidable crater to find…

…an empty crater.

—Nuts!

—Don’t worry, Ness. We’ll think of something.

—Yeah, I guess I should have figured the Minches would have gotten it by now… huh?

Ness was surprised to find, of all people, not a person at all, but a dog wandering around the area. Taking a closer look, it was a golden retriever. Taking an even closer look, it was a golden retriever he recognized very well, and one who recognized him back.

—King!

Ness’s dog eagerly ran to his human, who was more than willing to give him pets.

—Boy, am I glad to see you, buddy! But… what are you doing all the way out here?

While the other three were wandering about the place, Paula looked out toward the bottom of the hill, where the suburban section of Onett lay. 

—Oh no! Ness, look!

Breaking away from King, Ness ran to Paula, who pointed to the town below. 

It was ruined. Every house that Ness would have recognized in its right spot was a smoldering pancake of rubble and fire. Trees that weren’t uprooted and knocked down were on fire, and worst of all, it was full of Starmen marching in formation, and tentacled Mooks chasing the townspeople, lifting them in midair and laughing while their victims cried out in terror for the drop that was or was not to happen, and Octobots laying down even more devastation to what little was left intact.

—Ness… I’m so sorry… 

Ness remembered seeing something very much like this horrible sight long ago, when Paula way back in the Dusty Dunes Desert sent him that nightmare vision of his home under attack. But while back then he responded with overwhelming fear and despair, seeing it right in front of him inspired something else in his heart.

Pure, unfettered rage.

—He’s never going to stop! He’s going to attack somewhere else, someone else, again and again and again! We have to stop him once and for all! We have to go back in time and stop him before he ever gets another chance to hurt someone ever again!

Calming down just a little bit, he turned to his friends. 

—I think I know where the meteor is. But before I go get it, I’m going to help those people down there. Are you with me?

Paula put her hand on Ness’s shoulder.

—Of course we’re with you. We’re always with you, ya silly. 

Jeff stepped forward and cleared his throat.

—Before we move on, I have an announcement. I think I have finally perfected my invention. Ladies and gents, I give you the “Machine That Opens Most Doors Especially When You Have a Slightly-Bent Key, Portable Unlimited Trout-Flavoured Yoghurt Dispenser, Pencil Eraser, Eraser Eraser, and…

Jeff pushed some buttons on his convoluted machine, slid some movable parts, and ended up with a wide cylindrical weapon, complete with a laser-guided targeting system and self-loading missile magazine.

—…Ba-zooka!”

—Good! Let’s go!

Paula’s eyes went white, her skillet orbiting her at the ready.

—Right behind you!

Jeff pushed some buttons on his bazooka, it whirred and shoved bottle rockets into the magazine.

—God save the Queen.

Prince Poo drew his sword, and shouted in Dalaamese,

—Leave luck to heaven!

With Ness leading the Chosen Four, they ran toward the ruined town of Onett. Leaving behind the element of surprise along with the crater, they all shouted and met the advancing Stamen and Mooks.

For the first time in their journey, the children fought the alien menace together as equals. No longer picking up the slack for a de-powered Ness, they worked together, complemented each other’s abilities, and kept each other safe from harm. Ness led the charge with a force field in his left hand at full force, knocking back the gathered Starmen like bowling pins, and Prince Poo zipped by and dispatched them in midair one by one. As satisfying as it was incinerating alien attackers with his ray, Ness found it was much more fun to summon huge force fields and just barrel through enemy formations, as it kept his friends safe and also made aliens scatter. Jeff tried out his bazooka for the first time, scoring a couple direct hits on some hovering Octobots, but the recoil kept on knocking him off his feet. Later he’d have to work on that, but in the meantime Ness was more than willing to break his backwards falls with a force field to prop him back up. The wreckage from the Octobots left Paula with a lot more metal junk to telekinetically play with while she roasted Mooks and knocked around Starmen. 

They tried a fun little game where the other three would give one of them a boost and throw them in the air, and see who could snag more baddies before touching ground. Paula spun around in circles as her fire ray blasted Mooks and dropped floating Starmen like an electric mosquito trap, which Prince Poo dispatched before they could hit the ground. Jeff slung his bazooka on his back for the game and drew both laser pistols, and beat Paula’s record by just a smidge. Prince Poo did even better, but they all agreed it was sort of cheating, as his sky-walking power allowed him more leeway to defy gravity as he chopped down floating aliens one by one. Ness’s death ray was bigger and more ferocious than the other kids’ powers, but it afforded him a little less finesse, and so technically Paula scored a few more on her try. Making the winner, Jeff, maybe? When Ness hit the ground, he occupied himself with knocking back alien pop-flys, which Jeff skeet-shot out of the sky with his bazooka and Prince Poo sliced in half whatever he missed.

Ness looked around for more alien fodder to take out his anger on, and noticed that not only were there not any around, but also, they had advanced exactly where he had meant to, all the way to the smoldering rubble of his own house, and next to it the only intact building in the whole town: the Minch house, with the shiny meteor taking pride of place in the front yard, and sitting upon the roof like a king, with Dr. Andonuts’s Phase Distorter right beside him, was none other than the oldest boy of that house, Porky Minch.

—Hey there, Ness! Like what I’ve done with the place? The meteor I always wanted, right where it’s supposed to be! And wouldn’t you know it, I have this nice little time machine that needed a little piece of rock from it! Waste not, want not!

Hearing the boy’s voice reignited the rage in Ness’s heart. Without even realizing he was doing it, he fired a devastating blast from his fingertips to the roof of the Minch house, and it harmlessly bounced away from a force field of its own. Ness was so furious he kept firing blast after blast, even knowing it wasn’t doing any good. 

Of course, the Minch boy did not have psionic powers, and neither did the house. The real cause of the deflecting field hovered over the house and landed next to the boy: none other than the Starman Deluxe. 

—Oooh, look’s like someone’s been-

—SHUT UP! I’ll never forgive you for this! I’m taking down Giygas, and then you’re next! 

—Hey, Ness! Take your best shot!

With a laugh Porky climbed into a side-facing door of the big machine, and seconds later it vanished. The Starman Deluxe took that as its cue to leap from the roof and challenge the children to one-on-four combat. 

 Ness started the fight, knowing what the Deluxe was capable of, with the most rockin’ omega blast of his psionic power he could muster before the alien had a chance to speak or act. Their enemy predictably responded with a force field, and fired his own frightening psionic blast. Thankfully, Ness’s force field was just as much up to snuff to keep them safe from a blast that would have annihilated them and the ground they stood on.

There was a bit of a stalemate. The Deluxe’s power couldn’t breach Ness’s defenses, but neither could Ness’s power break through to their foe. Well, maybe not Ness’s power alone, but what about… a psionic blast that can set anything on fire? And maybe, along with those two, a concentrated blast of heavy bazooka fire? And on top of that, someone laying down slash after slash with an ancient all-powerful blade dozens of times per millisecond? Maybe all four of those formidable powers, working together, maybe they could do something amazing!

The Starman Deluxe withstood them all for a while, but its liquid-silvery legs began to buckle under the weight of their combined assault. And then, Ness’s blast broke a hole in the field and met its target, deactivating the reflective field in an instant and knocking back the enemy right in front of Prince Poo. The boy responded by kicking the Deluxe in the head, as hard as he could, sending him right back to Ness.

Have you ever seen a group of four kids play an especially intense game of four square? It was kinda like that. Ness slammed his powered-up bat into the Deluxe, who went careening toward Paula, who knocked him hard with the skillet toward Jeff, who keeping seated on the ground for the recoil pumped a rocket into the alien, who bounced over to Prince Poo, who socked him in the face with a skywalking-powered punch back to Ness. Over and over again, the four children all screaming themselves hoarse in their shared fury, and never letting him bounce on the ground more than once.

The Deluxe took a direct-hit monster swing from Ness’s bat and landed, instead of at Paula’s feet, right into the meteor on the Minches’ front yard. The alien rose to its feet at once and prepared a haymaker psionic blast. Ness took his time, waited for just the right moment. The Deluxe fired, and half a second later Ness launched his force field, right in his enemy’s face. The blast ricocheted off the reflective field and went right back into the Deluxe.

Good thing Ness already had his force field up, because the explosion wrecked the meteor, the Minch house, and most importantly, the Starman Deluxe alike. After the dust cleared, Ness released the force field and picked up a good baseball-sized hunk of meteor rock. 

*

It was only then that any of the children looked up to see the throngs of Onett citizens, sooty, shellshocked, and huddling by the Chosen Four’s side. All that time, he never realized he had been rescuing everyone in town from the aliens. There was his sixth grade math teacher, there was the local librarian, there was the guy who ran the arcade, and speaking of the arcade, there was even Frankie Fly! 

The townsfolk all looked up to the sky and gasped. There was another wave of aliens on the way, one battalion in flight and another marching down Main Street, and no doubt they were incensed at their leader falling at the hands of the Chosen Four. The children stood their ground, weapons drawn, but even Ness could tell that there were too many for just the four of them.

A sudden explosion rocked the enemy formation, and those who weren’t disintegrated scrambled in the air, disoriented. They looked ahead and saw a cluster of rockets careening toward them, blowing another group of Starmen to bits. 

Their attacker was someone zipping around with a jetpack, firing rockets, laser beams, and even swooped down to the ground to take out some aliens below with a massive flamethrower. It took a moment for the man to fly himself close enough for Ness to spot him, but when he did he recognized him at once.

—…uncle Lloyd?

The children heard a wild howl from behind them, and seconds later a huge muscular man barreled into the alien formation with fists and feet swinging. He was unarmed, but didn’t seem to need anything except his arms. Alien rays bounced off him as good as if he had Ness’s force field, and his haymaker punches sent them flying in the air, which his companion on the jetpack was more than willing to pick off with his weapons. The cool mirrored shades he wore, even in the dead of night, was to Ness a dead giveaway.

—Uncle Teddy?!

Supporting the jetpack man in the air was one other, a woman this time, who seemed to be flying by herself, floating even, like the Starmen. As the man in the jetpack blew up Octobots and UFOs, the other telekinetically lifted the detritus and orbited it all around her. She became a whirlwind of razor-sharp chunks of metal that took down scores of floating aliens. All the while, a force field of her own kept her safe from the enemy’s own relentless death rays.

—…mom?!

And finally, a white-hot blast of death tore through the aliens’ ground formation. For a second Ness was scared they had a second Starman Deluxe, but no, this was another human defender. This man easily broke the ranks of the alien invaders with his gigantic death rays exploding from his hand, and any that were stupid enough to get close to him met their end with a psionic-infused baseball bat of his own. 

Finally, the aliens turned and retreated, no doubt to get more reinforcements, but for now the battle was in the defenders’ hands. Only then did the four relent and regroup together. Ness maybe could have spotted the mysterious fourth man’s mustache, or recognized the baseball bat he wielded, or the simple fact that he was wearing, as he usually did when he wasn’t at work, a variation on Ness’s usual attire, a striped shirt, blue jeans, and black high-tops rather than red, with a baseball cap to cover his head. But no, it was when the man took out an inhaler from his pocket that Ness realized who it was.

—DAD!!!

The prior Chosen Four, that is, Ninten, Pollyana, Lloyd, and Teddy, were together again at long last. Teddy patted Ninten on the back as he sucked in his inhaler, making him cough it up a little.

—Hehe. Back in the saddle again, eh wheezy?

—Who’re you calling wheezy, meatloaf?

Ana and Lloyd lowered themselves to solid ground.

—Missus Elliott, how do you do?

—Good to see you, Lloyd. Oh, Teddy, you’re hurt!

She went to fuss over a cut on Teddy’s cheek, who let her do it.

—Eh, that’s okay, Poll. You shoulda seen the other guy!

—Teddy getting into another rumble? Now there’s something I haven’t seen before.

Ninten and Ana pecked each other on the cheek, with all the gravity of a couple who had just seen each other the day before. 

—Heya, babes. Missed ya.

—Same to you, bubs. I just hope you won’t get into too much trouble at the office for all this.

—Oh, don’t tell anyone, but right now I’m on my lunch break. So, what does the troupe have on the block this time?

—Kiss Me, Kate. I landed the lead!

—A shrewish, unlovable wife, huh? The role you were born to play!

They both gave each other mischievous grins and Ana poked her husband in the ribs, making him yelp and jump back, just as the other four kids caught up to them.

—Mom, dad! 

Ness leaped into his mother’s arms. 

—Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay, buddy! And I got all your postcards, they were so nice to read.

His mother seen to, his dad was next in line for a monster hug.

—Bwa! Take it easy! I already got asthma!

 The other kids mingled with the other prior Chosen Four warriors, patiently waiting for Ness to sufficiently squeeze his father to death.

—A pocket bazooka? Excellent design, very lightweight! A titanium alloy, I presume?

Jeff beamed over Lloyd’s admiration of his Machine that etc. etc. and Bazooka.

—As a matter of fact, I had assistance in its construction from the Saturn Village.

—Oh… so you're not gonna tell me, huh?

—Erm, no no, I mean that-

—Well, that's alright, keep your secrets... Say, are you an albino too?

—Oh, heavens no, I’m just from Winters, we all look like this. 

Meanwhile, Prince Poo looked up to the hulking Teddy, cracking every bone in his body. 

—Hey, kid. Check it out, I got a butterfly knife.

He produced the small blade from his pocket and flicked it around for the Prince, who frowned and folded his arms.

—Big deal! I have a three thousand year old blade that never needs sharpening!

He drew the Sword of Kings and performed quick intricate forms before sheathing it.

—Not bad… can you break a rock?

—Of course I can!

Prince Poo went to a nearby slab of rubble, and with a shout smashed the thing in half with his fist, looking up to the hulking man with a smug smile.

Teddy grabbed a piece of the rubble, now about the size of a basketball, and smashed it against his forehead. The boy gaped at the man, then the pile of gravel at his feet. It was starting to look like the Prince had another rival on his hands.

Meanwhile, Paula lent Ana her pan and the older woman looked it over.

—Well, I always swore by my non-stick pan myself.

—Oh, non-stick non-schmick! You just getcher self a nice iron skillet and put a good season on it, and it’ll last you longer than you will! And it’s an excellent home-invasion deterrent, especially if you have telekinesis!

—If I have telekinesis, huh? Hehe.

—Hey… do you hear someone, singing? 

—Oh, sorry, that’s me. I always have a little song in my head.

—Is that the Runaway Five? “Are You Wheeling in the Gears,” right? I saw them live this summer.

Ana gasped, nearly dropping Paula’s pan.

—You did?! Tell me everything! Did they play “Fallin’ Love?” Did they play “Paradise Line?” Did they play “Geisha of the DMV?!”

Now that the thrill of battle was over, Ness finally took a good look at the devastation of his home, and only then did it really sink in. He tried his best to stop tears from coming, but didn’t do too great a job.

—Mom… I’m sorry, I was too late. I couldn’t stop them from… Everything’s gone! They destroyed everything! If only I got here a little faster I could have…

Ness’s mother knelt to her son’s level and put a hand on her shoulder.

—No, Ness. Don’t tell yourself that for a second. Absolutely nothing that happened here is your fault.

Ness’s father joined her.

—That’s right, slugger. You did the best you could. In fact, you did great! You knocked it outta the park, you broke a window! Oh man, when you like, ran down from the hill and you were all like, RAAAAH!… that was awesome!

Ninten always did act more like a kid when he was around his wife and son, and it helped cheer Ness up just a little bit.

—Hehe… yeah, that was pretty awesome.

—You got so far and accomplished so much. We’re so proud of you, sweetie. 

—But everyone’s homes, they’re all…

—Don’t worry. Everyone is safe, that’s all that matters. And it’s all thanks to you and your friends.

—That’s right. Everything else is just stuff. We can rebuild it, we can help each other out until everything’s back to normal. 

—And until then, we’ll stay here with your uncles and make sure everyone stays safe. You just worry about you have to do. You know what you have to do, don’t you?

Ness had finally wiped away whatever tears were left and toughened up.

—Yeah, I think so. 

Ana kissed her son on the forehead.

—Remember what I told you, you are a kind, strong, and courageous boy. No matter what happens, you’ll always be my boy.

—Wait, mom… what do you mean by-

But another wave of aliens appeared in the sky and marching down the street. Ness’s parents and uncles turned to face the oncoming menace.

—Go on, Ness. We’ll take it from here.

—…are you sure you’ll be okay?

Lloyd gave Ness a smile before pushing some buttons on his weaponry.

—Don’t worry, little man. This isn’t our first atom smash by a long shot. Come on, guys! Excelsior, for-

—Now there’s something I never get tired of hearing.

—Ah, stuff it, ya big sack of steroids. 

—Till next time, slugger!

Ness watched as his family charged or flew into the enemy formation one more time, and Prince Poo shook him on the shoulder snapping him out of his reverie.

—Come on, Ness! We got what we came for!

Ness nodded, and the four of them joined hands, and a second later they vanished.

Back at the Saturn Village, Ness immediately ran to the Mr. Saturns and the doctor, still hard at work on the machine.

—Dr. Andonuts! We have it! We have a piece of the meteor!

With great solemnity, Ness produced the rock and held it up. Dr. Andonuts accepted it and gave it a good look with a lot of humming and adjusting his glasses.

—Ah. Thank you.

Without another word, and with not a small amount of disappointment from the children after that whole ordeal, the doctor returned to the great machine with the Zexonyte sample.  

*

You’ve been listening to “The Podcast Against Giygas!” The Podcast Against Giygas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shigesato Itoi. With production by William Pawlowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters.

This podcast stinks! It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad-free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode, and I’ll see you back next Monday, till next time!