Earthbound: The Podcast Against Giygas!
An unofficial retelling of the 1994 Super Nintendo video game Earthbound: The War Against Giygas.
Time-traveling aliens, deadly robots, scary monsters! It’s going to take the strongest warriors to stop them from taking over the world… and we got four kids.
It's the wildest, wackiest, and stinkiest podcast around... It's the Podcast Against Giygas!
ROCKIN!!!
Earthbound: The Podcast Against Giygas!
In Which Our Hero Faces the Destroyer of Worlds
This is it! Everything has been leading up to this episode, this grand momentous battle.
The Phase Distorter is complete, and now there is only one thing left for the Chosen Four to do: travel millions of years into the past and face Giygas, the Destroyer of Worlds... where he...
And he has... oh. Oh my...
He's...
Uh... I'm gonna sit this one out folks, it's too scary! You're on your own till next Monday!
“I’ll talk about my adventure, and you can tell me about all your mistakes!”
You're listening to the podcast against Giygas. Episode twenty-two, in which our hero faces the destroyer of worlds. Five whole minutes had passed, and Jeff was still cheering, screaming his lungs out, pumping his fist, and really getting Ness's goat. It went like this. Ness and his friends returned to the Saturn village from the big battle against the hordes of Starmen and successfully brought Dr. Andonuts the Zexonyte he needed to power his Phase Distorter Mark II. While the Mr. Saturn's excavated and refined the Zexonyte sample away from the dross that made up the rest of the meteor rock, the Doctor summoned the children to his workspace one more time.
Garrett McMahon:Well, young ones, we are finally nearing full completion of the Phase Distorter Mark II. It just needs one last thing. And I'm afraid it's just as vitally necessary, and perhaps just as elusive as that meteor sample. The machine needs a steady source of fuel, you see. And I'm not sure I understand the Mr. Saturns, it might be a cultural idiom or some such thing, but... well, it's like this. They are saying the fuel it requires is a constant ex nihilo supply of... trout -flavoured yogurt?
Garrett McMahon:Ness and Jeff were both agape. Ness looked to his friend in bitter disgust as Jeff let himself be overcome with elation.
Garrett McMahon:Yahoo! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Garrett McMahon:Oh come on! You gotta be...
Garrett McMahon:I did it! I am the best inventor in any dimension.
Garrett McMahon:Ah, that's stupid. I can't believe... what a rip-off!
Garrett McMahon:You owe me a million dollars. No, a million pounds sterling. Pay up!
Garrett McMahon:I'm not paying you anything, ya doofus!
Garrett McMahon:Finally, as all things do, even the high that Jeff wrote over another successful invention passed. As much as he hated to part with his trusty bazooka component of his grand machine, which had performed so well in recent field tests, Jeff relinquished the machine that opens most doors, especially when you have a slightly bent key, portable unlimited trout flavored yogurt dispenser, pencil eraser, eraser eraser, and bazooka to the undercarriage of the phase distorter Mark II.
Garrett McMahon:Right. Now that that's settled, all that remains is to smash the champagne bottle against the hull, as it were. Jeffrey, would you be so kind as to assist me with installing this Zexonyte core?
Garrett McMahon:F or a second, Jeff didn't realize his father was actually speaking to him, actually asking him for help.
Garrett McMahon:Who... you mean me, father?
Garrett McMahon:Well don't be daft, boy. Do you see any other gentle little folk here named Jeffrey? Anyway, this will prove to be a delicate procedure, and I'm going to need an assistant with nimble fingers. Not to mention an assistant with um... well, fingers.
Garrett McMahon:Jeff and doctor Andonuts went to the machine together and announced that they would work alone, even politely requesting that the Mr. Saturns leave them be for the while, a request which they happily granted. Who knows what father and son spoke about when they applied the finishing touches on the doctor's life work, now also partially the work of the Mr. Saturns, the chosen four, and especially Jeff. Maybe it was some heartfelt words kept to themselves for far too long. Maybe it was rudimentary shop talk. Soldering eye on Jeff! Now the monkey wrench, Jeff. Maybe it was negotiations for patents and publications and tours on the Expo circuit. Maybe they didn't say a word to each other at all. Who knows indeed, but Doctor and Jeffrey Andonuts?
Garrett McMahon:An hour or so had passed, and finally the doctor and son once again summoned the remaining chosen four and the Mr. Saturns together.
Garrett McMahon:Ladies, gents, and Mr. Saturns, I give you the complete and fully -functional Phase Distorter Mark II. With it, as promised, the four of you will be able to bend space and time itself to your very will. Before you undertake this grand enterprise, however, it obliges us to inform you of some caveats.
Garrett McMahon:Jeff stepped forward and cleared his throat.
Garrett McMahon:Quite right. First, the process of time travel cannot sustain biological lifeforms, at least not without some nasty corrosive side effects. Thus, it will be necessary to reassign our consciousnesses into vessels capable of withstanding the rigors of time travel erosion.
Garrett McMahon:In short, we must transfer your waking minds into temporary robotic bodies. No need to worry, the Mr. Saturns are experts at this sort of thing, minimally invasive and 100% painless.
Garrett McMahon:The children were brought to four beds prepared for them and instructed to lie flat on their backs, and a Mr. Saturn master anesthesiologist was brought in to read aloud a copy of The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. The next thing they knew, the children woke up. Well, woke up isn't exactly the right word for it, because when they suddenly came to, they found themselves beside the beds they were not long ago lying upon, and saw themselves still lying on the beds, fast asleep.
Garrett McMahon:And here we are in our robot bodies, just as good as the real thing. In fact, in many ways, even better. We will be stronger, haughtier, no longer hungry or thirsty, and yet for all intents and purposes otherwise unable to notice all mechanical forms save in this way.
Garrett McMahon:Jeff knocked on Prince Pooh's head like a front door, and it gave off the clanking sound of metal against metal. They all thought it was funny at first, until Jeff kept knocking on the prince's head, who swatted him away.
Garrett McMahon:Wow, neat!
Garrett McMahon:It was Jeffrey's idea, in fact. But in one way he misspoke. You will be hardier, true, but not invincible. Paula looked over their unconscious selves still on the beds.
Garrett McMahon:I think it's a little spooky...
Garrett McMahon:Okay, so what's the other thing, Jeff?
Garrett McMahon:Well, supposing we are victorious against this Giygas fellow so far in the past, it will create a continuum in which he never obtained this magic apple thing, never started a war against the universe, never brought this struggle to our planet, and thus never created a reason why the four of us should meet and become the very best of friends.
Garrett McMahon:He preened over this announcement for a moment, as if it were another of his brilliant deductions to be praised by his father, and not the horrible news that immediately sunk into the very depths of Paula's, Prince Poo's, and especially Ness's hearts. Eventually it sunk into Jeff's just as well.
Garrett McMahon:Which is why, um... I thought it best we should say all goodbyes before we embark.
Garrett McMahon:It was too cruel for Ness to even imagine. How could this be? How, after the planet had been showing him over and over again how important they all were to him? How, after he had let them into his heart and taken up so much space and set down such deep roots, could they at the very end be so easily yanked out, to journey for so long, to be told he must combat a fearsome, world conquering enemy from beyond the solar system, and to find at the end of that journey that the love he felt for his dear friends was in very fact the source of his great world defending power, only for it all to vanish in the end, just like that. Like a wonderful dream you promise over and over again to yourself you'll remember forever, only for the memory of it to scamper away the very second you wake up. It wasn't fair.
Garrett McMahon:And in case you were wondering, could it possibly get any worse than that? Oh, it certainly could. Buzz -Buzz had told him that his decision to either confront Giygas head on or face him in the past before he ever received the apple of enlightenment was harder than he'd might think, that he didn't want to discourage him when he was so close to the end, and that his parents had their reasons not to do as much. The fact that his mom and dad were practically superheroes, which had given him so much confidence when face to face with his nightmare, all but devastated him now. His parents had met for the first time and fell in love, and married and moved to one out and had a baby boy, all because of Giygas.
Garrett McMahon:If Ness went back in time to stop Giygas from becoming Giygas, he would also be stopping Ness from becoming Ness.
Garrett McMahon:His nightmare had asked him, can you even imagine infinity? Well was this it? Infinite nothingness? There never was a Ness? And never will be? No goofing off in the tree house, no going for walks with King, no baseball games with his father, and he'd never hear his mother sing again.
Garrett McMahon:But something stopped him from bursting into tears then and there. He remembered that vision back at the Dusty Dunes desert, and Dr. Andonuts's lab destroyed, the people of Twoson under a mad delusion, and Threed under siege by monsters, and Fourside trapped in a nightmare. He remembered the devastation of his home, and the faces of the people he and his friends rescued. He even recalled that footage Buzz -Buzz had shown him of other planets, so many unknown civilizations in the far reaches of space, all fallen to the destroyer of worlds. So many people he had hurt, and the power to do it all over again on a whim. If Ness chose not to do this, if he didn't stop Giygas from ever obtaining the apple, then Giygas could simply re-emerge in another time and hurt more people. And if he lived to see another time like this one, knowing that he had the power coursing through him and the choice to stop it once and for all, and he didn't, he would never forgive himself.
Garrett McMahon:So he chose to continue as planned, and travel deep into the past with the phase distorter Mark II. And critically, he also chose not to tell his friends any of this, knowing that if they knew such a horrible fate was in store for him at the end of his path, they would never let him walk it. In all the years it took for Prince Poo to complete his mu training, Ness achieved the same in the span of five minutes.
Garrett McMahon:And so the chosen four said their goodbyes. Ness first went to Jeff.
Garrett McMahon:So your stupid invention was good for something after all, huh?
Garrett McMahon:Well, who knows what'll happen. Maybe you'll find your way to Winters and we'll bump into each other again. It's not impossible.
Garrett McMahon:Make sure you let me try the marmite.
Garrett McMahon:And you make sure to bring me my winnings.
Garrett McMahon:They gave each other a hug, and then Ness went to Prince Poo.
Garrett McMahon:Thanks for um... for listening to me that time. And for teaching me how to play baseball.
Garrett McMahon:Poo, there's something I have to tell you. The soundstone was made for me to unlock the power I didn't know I had. It was to show me how strong I could be. You see, you never needed it. You were always strong enough.
Garrett McMahon:No, I wasn't. Leave luck to heaven, Ness.
Garrett McMahon:Leave luck to heaven.
Garrett McMahon:Prince Poo gave Ness the traditional Dalaamese salute, and Ness did the same. Right after, they both thought that this wasn't adequate, but it was Prince Poo who decided to do something about it first, giving him a bear hug to repay the one Ness gave him back in the palace.
Garrett McMahon:Finally, Ness went to Paula, who was already tearing up. They hugged each other.
Garrett McMahon:Thank you so much, Paula. I could have never done any of this without you.
Garrett McMahon:I really wish I could visit you in one at, like you said.
Garrett McMahon:Maybe we will someday.
Garrett McMahon:Paula broke away and wiped tears from her eyes.
Garrett McMahon:Oh Ness, it's so sweet of you to say, but no, we won't.
Garrett McMahon:Ness thought for a long while, then turned to all of his friends together.
Garrett McMahon:Hey, listen everyone, my mom and dad, whenever we leave each other, we don't say goodbye. We always say till next time. Because we always hope it won't be the last time. The last thing I said to my dad before he went to Tokyo for three years was till next time. So this isn't goodbye, okay? It's till next time.
Garrett McMahon:So the children all hugged each other one more time and said their till next times. Then they faced doctor Andonuts and nodded. One by one they entered the phase distorter Mark II, and the doctor shut the reinforced door behind them. There was little else in the machine's interior except plenty of room for four children to stand in relative comfort. No chairs or seatbelts or windows to admire the view. It wasn't that kind of vehicle, you see. A phase distorter doesn't travel to a time or place per se. You entered coordinates into the machine, and the next thing you know, you were already there.
Garrett McMahon:To that end, the children regarded the large console before them, with hundreds of buttons, levers, joysticks, pulleys, and blinking lights, of which there must have been infinite permutations of coordinates to input, any time in any place. The three boys shrugged to each other, the console even stumping Jeff. None of them noticed Paula let out a sigh, make a beeline to the console, and enter in buttons and pull joysticks back and forth with a plum.
Garrett McMahon:Paula? Is that where we're...
Garrett McMahon:Yes it is.
Garrett McMahon:How did you...
Garrett McMahon:Paula gave Ness a sad look that wordlessly said to him, You don't really have to ask, do you? He didn't. A strange thing happened then. The children could tell they were standing on solid ground, but felt like they were moving thousands of miles an hour. They stood in silence for only a minute or so, but felt like eons had passed them by. To be precise, twenty-five million years had gone by. The children exited the phase distorter Mark II and took a look around the land in which they found themselves. Were they still on planet Earth or some other far reach of the universe? Wherever they were, it was as alien a world as they had ever seen in their lives. The sky was midnight black, and thunder cracked from black clouds that gave off no rain. The ground was crystalline silver white, smooth beneath their feet with jagged geometric outcroppings of rock obstructing their way, and sheer cliffs beside them, whose rock bottoms seemed to take a lifetime to reach. And could it be? The children saw shadows before them, reflecting on the mirrored rocks and floating in the white foggy air, black and red glowing ghosts of starmen. They swirled around the advancing children as if about to attack, but being immaterial could do little more than look menacing. Here they were treading upon earth in its infancy. No life could grow in the mirror smooth ground beneath them, no life could crawl under that black and shattered sky, and no warmth or joy could be felt anywhere.
Garrett McMahon:Going a good distance from the Mark II, the chosen four came across a pile of junk and rubble, standing out among the frightening geometric elegance of the world around them. Jeff went by himself to get a closer look, recognizing it at once. He picked up a piece of metal detritus, inspected a fried circuit board. Like a man who beats his own horse, he said to himself. His father pursued that machine with his life until it made him an old man, and now it was garbage on the ground. It was well and good to stop Giygas' sinister plans before they ever started, but he would also see to it that that horrible boy would pay dearly.
Garrett McMahon:The children went on. There was a mountain before them, the only landmark for hundreds of miles around them, with a wide open cavern at its base, leading to something dark and ominous. Entering the cave, they were surprised to find it lit, which was fortunate for them, given that there had been nothing organic around to make torches. The ground beneath them clanked metal against metal, and looking around they saw a network of pipes and tubes, throbbing and breathing like a system of organs and blood vessels. There was no other way but forward, and so they went.
Garrett McMahon:The children encountered an elaborate machine at the end of the cave, the beating heart of its mechanical circulatory system, all connecting at a gigantic, pulsating, fleshy dome at its very center. There were no buttons, no levers, no readouts, no video screens on the machine, just living, breathing metal in an eerie red glow. In fact, the same color glow as the starmen ghosts haunting the world around the cave. Ness grasped his gutsy bat and took the first step toward the thing, when he was interrupted by the sound of another great machine.
Garrett McMahon:A huge mechanical spider floated before them, gently letting itself down to solid ground like how an actual spider would while spinning its own silk. A black tank-like warmech, its pointed and razor sharp eight legs slammed onto the solid ground, poking holes in the metal ground with each step it took closer and closer to the children, stopping right before Ness. A dome at the top of the machine retracted, revealing its pilot.
Garrett McMahon:None other than Porky Minch.
Garrett McMahon:Jeff had warned the others that time travel in an organic body would result in the deterioration of that body. That must have been what happened to the Minch boy, because he looked awful in every way. His skin was grass green with mossy black splotches. His hair was thin enough to where you could finally see his eyes, which were bugging out of his sockets. He had lost about half his weight since they last saw him, and the gangrenous skin hung like rags on his bones. Though the suit he still wore from his days in Fourside was still in impeccable condition, it barely fit him anymore, and it was hopelessly stained with yellow and black sputum that leaked from open sores and his sagging eyelids. And despite all that, here he was, holding himself together by sheer malice for his archenemy. The boy standard. Standing before him and his dear friends behind him. Standing upright in the cockpit, he let out a raspy laugh through his grinning yellowed teeth.
Garrett McMahon:I told you, Ness! Every step of the way, you'll never be rid of me.
Garrett McMahon:Even his voice was unrecognizable. He spoke with an ocean of gunk in his throat and sounded like he had smoked every cigarette in the universe.
Garrett McMahon:What are you? Robots, you know. You look pretty...
Speaker 3:He was interrupted by his eye, which fell out of its socket and dangled along his face by the optic nerve. He grumbled and poked the thing back inside.
Speaker 3:Pretty stupid.
Speaker 3:You look a little under the weather yourself, man.
Speaker 3:Oh, what, this? This is nothing. This just comes with the... the territory. So the apple of enlightenment predicted you'd make it here. But things aren't going to go exactly according to plan. Why? Because of me. The apple never could have seen me coming.
Speaker 3:He pointed a bony finger at the ominous machine's pulsing globe, and the fingernail dangling by a thread finally fell off.
Garrett McMahon:There he is. You like that little invention of mine. It only took me two million years to build it. He's in there. Long before he ever got hold of the apple. And every single moment of his timeline is collapsing and folding onto itself even as we speak. All his power, all his hatred, prematurely pumped into his brain. He's not just the universal destroyer anymore. He's pure evil itself. All thanks to me. Now we'll destroy you and become more powerful than even he could have imagined. What do you say to that?
Garrett McMahon:There's only one thing I have to say to you.
Garrett McMahon:Ness hesitated, closed his eyes, and took in a deep, sad breath.
Garrett McMahon:This is all my fault. I... I should have never called you that name. You're not a bad person, or at least you weren't. And I should have given you a better chance. I feel like there's a timeline somewhere out there where if I had just been a little more patient, a little kinder to you, we could have been great friends. But that's never gonna happen now. And it was all because of me. I'm so sorry. Parker.
Garrett McMahon:Only this on the part of Ness, genuine contrition, could have spurred the Minch Boy into the complete fury that overtook him even now. There was no greater punishment that could assail his rotten heart than forgiveness. And for his part, there was no greater answer he could have replied with than silence. And so he did. No more snide sarcasm, no more laughter or mockery. He clutched the controls on his mech, and the great machine advanced toward the chosen four. As the mech fired lasers and bullets from four of its legs it did not use to walk, Nest put up a force field to cover himself and all his friends. Paula used her firing pan to smash the metal and crystalline ground around her for more telekinetic detritus to launch against the machine, while Jeff applied heavy fire with both laser guns and plenty of remote-controlled bottle rocket bundles. All while Prince Poo zipped to and fro and took potshots with his sword, and Nest blasted the thing with the biggest death rays he could fire.
Garrett McMahon:Nothing worked.
Garrett McMahon:Prince Poo's sword bounced off the mech's hull. Paula's firepower was useless, and none of the telekinetic junk could even give it a dent. Jeff's usual strategy of launching his immense firepower at the joints of a machine of death like this one wasn't helping. Worst of all, the mech shrugged off Nessa's haymaker's psionic blasts. It seemed like the Minch boy had spent his time in the past learning his enemies' strengths and adapting to them.
Garrett McMahon:But while their combined powers bounced off him harmlessly, neither was he making much headway against the chosen four. His weapons tore holes in the metal pipes and tubes around them, but the children either dodged them well enough themselves, or were protected by Ness's force fields. Confident in his mechs and vulnerability, he changed tactics, rushing at the four kids and using the machine's own legs as his weapons. If anyone got too close to the mech, it slammed a spider leg into them and sent them flying across the room, force fielder no. The sharp-pointed ends of the legs even seemed to pierce Ness's reflective fields.
Garrett McMahon:Prince Poo made a valiant charge with the sword of kings and met the business end of the mech's front leg directly in the chest. He fell on his stomach and struggled to rise to his feet. Seeing Ness alone in the tussle, the Minch Boy concentrated all his efforts on his most hated enemy. He pummeled him with blow after blow from the spider legs, tasking his force fields to their very limit. One leg pierced the field and knocked him against the head, sending him to the floor in a daze. He didn't see the mech raise one razor-sharp leg, poised to stab him in his vitals. And since that blow made his head spin, he wouldn't see it in time to get out of the way.
Garrett McMahon:Prince Poo saw this, and adrenaline took over. All his training and discipline vanished, and in his mind only one thought entered and took over, shouting again and again. Not Ness, not my best friend. Ness can't die. He can't. My best friend can't die. He won't, he won't. Somehow, a great power welled up in his fist. And just before the mech could bring that sharp leg down and pierce his best friend in the heart, he threw it.
Garrett McMahon:A white hot ball of power exploded from his hand and careened into the mech, knocking it back, saving Ness's life. Prince Poo was never trained for this, and he had no idea what he was doing. He threw the power in his hands at the mech again and again, one after another, a scream of rage tearing his throat to shreds. The mech staggered further and further back, unable to withstand this new assault of raw power. More and more destructive forced from Prince Poo's glowing hands, again and again and again, and only when he flung the coup de gras at the wicked machine, knocking it over on its back, the spider legs dangling impotent in the air like a dead bug, leaving it a smoldering pile of rubble to join the rest of the junk in the miserable cave, did the prince realize that the clusters of psionic power he lobbed at his foe were triangular, jagged, almost star -like.
Garrett McMahon:He had done it. He had performed that ancient technique of his people, of which no enemy, no matter how numerous or powerful, could even hope to withstand. He had cast the very heavens down upon his enemy. He had mastered the Star Storm. And his old master was right. He was probably never going to use it again. What else could merit such an awesome attack, but the very life of his dearest friend? The children kept their gaze on the ruined mech, weapons ready, as its pilot pulled himself out of the wreck with a laugh. Dragging himself on the floor, his legs dead weight, he inched closer and closer to the elaborate pulsating machine.
Garrett McMahon:Not bad. Not bad at all. I gotta say though, it's about a gazillion years too early for you to be fighting Giygas, isn't it? You don't even really know what he looks like, do you? Wanna see?
Garrett McMahon:Give it up. It's over.
Garrett McMahon:Oh no, it isn't. Not even close. You see, Ness, Giygas can't even think rationally anymore. His mind was destroyed by his own power. Now he's nothing but an all mighty idiot. And the only thing standing between you and him is this button.
Garrett McMahon:He plopped a decaying hand on the machine, and it responded to his touch, surging and metamorphosing into a control console. Grinning at the chosen four, he slammed his palm a glowing red button. The machine's worrying came to a halt. The big fleshy globe stopped pulsing. It gurgled and sputtered, a liquid putty, changing into something, a shape, a face of some kind. Ness saw the fleshy globe mutate into a slimy, gurgling image of his own face. A monstrous mirror image of Ness looking right back at him. Paula squeezed Ness's hand beside him, and he squeezed hers even harder.
Garrett McMahon:Look at you, the chosen four! No different from the rest of the garbage in this world. Just wait till you be burnt up. Scared yet? Why don't you cry for your mommy and daddy? Use your telepathy or whatever. Cry for help, I dare you. No, no one's gonna help you now.
Garrett McMahon:A howl of intermingled rage and terror filled their eardrums to the brim. A red bloody mist gurgled out of the image of Ness's horrific eyes and mouth in the globe, filling the air like a bag of tea seeping into hot water. Then the globe popped, flaps of gooey flesh hung impotent over the machine, while even more red mist oozed from the thing like pus. The mist coagulated in the air before them, forming some kind of inhuman skull with wide eye sockets and jagged toothy jaws. The red skull filled the air around them. The misty red oozing form filled their eyes everywhere the children looked. Its screeches filled their ears no matter where they tried to listen, covered every inch of their skin with goosebumps and prickle points and sandpaper, filled their nostrils with death and decay, filled their mouths with the taste of bitter poison and blood. Every single facet of the world was overrun by every single point in the monster's timeline. Every single moment of rage and sorrow and power collapsed onto this one horrible moment twenty-five million years in the past. The entire world had become Giygas, the destroyer of worlds.
Garrett McMahon:Even the ground beneath them collapsed. The ground now nothing more than an extension of Giygas' furious will. They aimlessly floated in the lava lamp space of Giygas' misty red malice as his voice shrieked into their brains. Nest fired blast after blast from his fingertips. Paula tried in vain to set the air before her on fire. Jeff fired his laser guns and rockets at nothing, and Prince Poo swiped the mighty sword of kings at nothing all the same. How could they attack their foe when their foe and his immense idiot power had become reality in itself? Reality screamed into their minds.
Garrett McMahon:And then he attacked. An atomic blast of force exploded before the children, sending them careening through miles and miles of Giygas space, caught in a riptide of the monster's fury. Ness's force field was the only thing that kept the children from evaporating then and there, but the blast stunned all four of them into temporary weakness. Dizzy from the blow, they picked up their weapons and looked around to fight their foe. But their foe was all around them, everywhere. Everywhere all around them screamed into their minds.
Garrett McMahon:Another blast erupted, and because Ness had been too disoriented before to put up his reflective field, this time the children took the full force of it. Thankfully, their robotic bodies helped them endure the agonizing explosion, but even then their mechanical bodies began to wear. The artificial skin peeled off their metal limbs, and sparks crackled between their joints. The monster screamed right into their ears.
Garrett McMahon:It let loose another horrific attack. This time it was a localized explosion, trained directly at Prince Poo. His robotic body spasmed like he stuck a fork into an electrical outlet, his open mouth and eyes glowing hot white as an immense power incomprehensible to him bubbled over, before exploding with atomic force within him and leaving his body broken, short-circuited, dead.
Garrett McMahon:Paula screamed and brought herself to her fallen friend. The world around them prepared another blast. Jeff forced himself to Paula's side, jumping in between her and the full brunt of the blast. Like Prince Poo, it overwhelmed his mechanical body. His limbs spasmed and his circuits popped, until he too joined his friend, Prince Poo, floating in the Giygas space, motionless. Dead.
Garrett McMahon:The monster screamed. The monster prepared one more astronomical blast. Paula winced as the red misty whirled around her fired, but opening her eyes she saw Ness standing over her, holding up the full fury of the explosion with a force field, keeping it up with every ounce of his strength. It wasn't enough. The explosion slowly tore through the field, burning off the rest of Ness's artificial skin, singing his hair, melting the eyes out of his sockets. By the time Ness summoned another quick reflective blast behind him to knock Paula out of harm's way, and the blast tore through his body just like his friends before him, there was nothing left but a crackling broken metal body with a red baseball cap on his head, floating in space. Dead.
Garrett McMahon:Every single one of Paula's friends were dead, motionless, never to breathe, smile, laugh, or cry ever again. Their metallic corpses floating in a horrific dimension millions of years away from home, like dead fish in a water tank. Her nightmare had, at long last, to the minutest detail, came true.
Garrett McMahon:Despair overwhelmed her. Holding Ness's broken body before her, she cried so hard it hurt her entire body. It all came true. It always comes true. Why did we even bother going all this way? What was the point? She should have told everyone when she had the chance. Maybe they could have done something else some other way. But she knew that wouldn't have helped either. It always comes true. Well then why should I have even bothered being alive all this time? Why did I have this life to even live if I was doomed to an end here, and now in such a horrible fate?
Garrett McMahon:But Jeff's words to her back in the lost underworld lingered in her heart. Time is so bloody infinite, isn't it? No matter how high the number, you can always add one. No matter how dire the moment, another second passes right after. There was only one thing she could do. She closed her eyes, and when she opened them they were flat white. She retreated into her own mind, just as the Giygas world geared up to deliver her the coup de grace. And she thought back to everyone. Everyone she ever encountered on the journey. Everyone her friends encountered, and begged them, shouted at the top of her telepathic lungs. She prayed with all her might and all her heart.
Garrett McMahon:Please help us. If you can hear us, give us strength. Think of us. Please. If you're out there, whoever you are, please, somebody help us. Paula shouted so loud with her mind, the shout traveled millions of years into the future, directly into the minds of everyone the chosen four met, everyone they touched, everyone they helped, everyone they made a difference in their lives for the better, great or small.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the ears of Frankie Fly and the Sharks, the leader of a gang now in a small town in ruins, who remembered a boy that impressed him to no end, going one-on-one against his entire ranks, a shark through and through, this boy, practically born with razor sharp jaws. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the chief of police of Onett, who didn't let something so trifling as his entire town leveled by an alien attack distract him from his duties, which was ordering his deputies to set up as many roadblocks as they could. He remembered a boy in his office who showed real guts and grit against five of his third strongest men. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out. There, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the hint booth hippie at Twoson, with his other lawn hippie friends on the flea market. He remembered a boy who came into Twoson town, and not long after that the weird cult stopped bothering them, and the tourists came in and bought their junk. It had to have been that boy who set things back to normal. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the people of Twoson, so caught up in a weird delusion to paint everything blue. Thank goodness that was over with. And wasn't there some boy in the church with a baseball bat once we finally came to our senses? Well, it had to be him that brought everything back to normal again, wasn't it? They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the Reverend Carpainter, sitting in his blue house, holding the Franklin badge in his left hand, and a picture of his only daughter in the other. He remembered a time when she was just a baby, and he held her in his arms, vowing then and there that there was nothing he wouldn't do for her. What happened since then? Maybe the reason why he was so sad to see her gone was that there was something else in her, beyond the fire and mind reading and mischief, something he loved and missed dearly. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that she'd be okay out there, wherever she was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the people of Threed, finding it so strange that after living under the terrifying threat of zombie attacks for so long, to see it finally lifted, just like that, and the sun shining once again, just like that. Whoever it was who helped them, they owed them a debt they could never repay. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the zombies of Threed, hard at work in their boutique marmite, shop and restaurant, to think they could have been trapped in that awful zombie paper forever, never dying, never being able to move. But those kids, whoever they were, once the zombies well and truly learned the error of their ways, actually released them, and actually let them keep all this gooey, salty, delicious marmite. They owed them a debt they could never repay. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the ears of Gorgeous Donald Walters and the other five members of the Runaway Five. He with a pen in his hand about to sign a very lucrative and not at all exploitative contract with that city's prestigious Topolla Theater. He remembered how not only it blew his mind that there were actually kids out there who liked their music, but also the boundless generosity they showed their little band, bailing them out of a monetary nightmare and right back into a dream time and time again. Not like this contract, though. No, no, this one was airtight. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached little Tony at the Snowwood boarding school, so saddened to spend his days alone sleeping next to an empty cot, but happy beyond belief that his best friend Jeff was true to his word and wrote him a postcard with every passing new destination. It gave him the pluck and determination he needed to ensure his snowballs flew from his strong wrists and met their red blazered targets swift and true. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out there wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the old mariner spending his days beside windy Lake Tessie, never thinking in all his days he'd see that lovely lady of the deep peek from above the surface. He had that nerdy boy to whom he'd sold his tin whistle to thank for that. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the founding padres, still playing shows on the three to four side mariachi circuit, still as catchy as ever, suddenly remembering those lovely children who just needed a ride and some water, and who loved their music so much. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached old Geldegarde Monotoli, hard at work in his office making some long-needed changes around Forside. He remembered that remarkable young lady that set him straight with some tough talk, and also just a sympathetic ear to yap into. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that she'd be okay out there, wherever she was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached George Montague, who was already shaking hands with the curators and directors of the Summers Museum of Natural History. Now, because of this monumental discovery for science, Summers would no longer just be a place to laze under the sun. Now vacationers could learn a thing or two about the world around them, perfect for kids and adults. It was all thanks to those brave children. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the salty sea captain of summers, thankful to finally be out on the open seas, thanks to the young man who reunited him with his dear wife. If only he could figure out how to keep this dang seasickness in line. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the sea captain's wife, who opened a little bakery in summers, and while magic cakes were her specialty, of course it didn't stop her from making plenty of cookies, cheesecakes, cupcakes, and pastries. Anything to give someone a little smile during their stay in sunny summers. It was all thanks to that sweet little boy who simply told her some plain philosophical sense, wasn't it? Do the thing that makes you happy. She hoped and prayed with all her heart that he'd be okay up there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the finicky retainers and courtiers of Dalaam, who, as much as they feared their young charge, also missed having him around the palace to fuss over and teach him neat little things about the world. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that he'd be okay up there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached those boys who played a friendly little game of baseball with a foreigner and someone from the palace. Of course they recognized him immediately as the August child of the Ivory Throne, but what fun would it have been to say so? They would have had to spend a whole hour making all the necessary obeisances. It would have taken a huge chunk out of his game. Besides, his friend was pretty good too, if a little loud, and between them all they got the prince playing well enough. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached the chattering stones in the Lost Underworld, still impressed that those two boys made it out of the fire spring. Not to mention they even asked after poor Trevor. It was thanks to him that they got the old fool back up on his pedestal, and guarding the secret passage to the underworld good as new. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached all the Mr. Saturns, still ecstatic to the moon that they were rescued by the kind and brave children from that horrible master belch. They hoped and prayed with all their hearts that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:It reached Dr. Andonuts, still simply pleased as punch that thanks to his bright young son, he was actually standing among the Mr. Saturns, and with their help, he had finally completed his life's work. Those three world-saving friends of his certainly brought something out of the boy. And now that the phase distorter Mark II could be well and entered into the scientific journals, perhaps now he had more time on his hand to devote to the rearing of this bright young man. He hoped and prayed with all his heart that he'd be okay out there, wherever he was.
Garrett McMahon:It reached Teddy, Lloyd, Pollyanna, and Ninten. Teddy, who was still chuckling to himself over that funny little friend of Ninten's little man, with his funny little sword. He could even break a rock, though true it would take some time and dedication serving as the young man's sensei to get the boy crushing rocks with his head as good as he could. Lloyd, who was still impressed by that bright young friend of Anna's little guy, a bazooka that could fit in your pocket, and with parts forged and molded with elements not even on the periodic table, he'd have to exchange notes. And Anna, who with their son, for that one moment the three of them were finally together again, after two long years, but all for too short a time. They missed their boy dearly, but were so proud of all the growing up he did on his long journey with his three wonderful new friends. They hugged each other and sang into each other's minds that favorite song of Anna's I believe in you, buddy. I believe in you. They all hoped and prayed with all their hearts that they'd be okay out there, wherever they were.
Garrett McMahon:All these people from all around the world poured their love and prayers into the universe for Ness and Paula and Jeff and Prince Pooh, and sent it back twenty five million years into the past.
Garrett McMahon:And it did nothing.
Garrett McMahon:It did absolutely nothing.
Garrett McMahon:Paula helplessly watched her three dead friends float in the nightmare Gaiga space and continue to be dead. What did she really expect? That prayer works? Only then did she completely give up hope. She held Ness close to her and shut her eyes as the world around them screamed into her mind and fired one last atomic blast. White hot, hotter than a thousand suns, coming closer and and closer and...
Garrett McMahon:oh.
Garrett McMahon:oh no.
Garrett McMahon:It... it it can't end like this. It... it just can't.
Garrett McMahon:Folks, I'm I'm sorry, I, I don't mean to break the fourth wall here, but look, I've read ahead and oh... oh no, this is just horrible. After everything these brave kids went through, for it just to end the way it does, th there must be a mistake. There has to be some other way. Listen, folks, I I know you must be tired of podcasts asking you for something everywhere you look, but maybe Paula's prayer just wasn't enough. Maybe they need as many as they can get. So if you're listening out there and and you care for these brave children as much as I do, maybe maybe if you're not too busy, would would you mind just saying a little prayer for them? Nothing too fancy, just Ness, Paula, Jeff, Prince Pooh, I believe in you. I believe in you.
Garrett McMahon:Well uh okay, let's let's face the music. She held Ness close to her and shut her eyes as the world around them screamed into her mind and fired one last atomic blast. White hot, hotter than a thousand suns, coming closer and closer, and harmlessly bounced off the massive force field Ness held up before her...
Garrett McMahon:What? What the... that, that's not what it said before before. Hold on.
Garrett McMahon:Um... and closer and closer and and harmlessly bounced off the massive force field Ness held up before her.
Garrett McMahon:Oh my gosh. Holy cow! We did it! It really worked. It really worked.
Garrett McMahon:They're okay. They're gonna be, they're gonna be okay. And it was... I don't know. It was Paula, it was everyone, it, it was us too. Or, or maybe maybe they were always strong enough, but maybe like a nervous kid at a school prom waiting to ask a girl for this dance, they just needed a little push in the right direction. Well, whoever it was, thank you. Thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts. Now, let's keep reading. Paula checked herself over, and no, she was not vaporized, and then looked up. Yes, it was true. Ness was up and at him again, though he was nothing but a metal endoskeleton, and holding up his psionic umbrella, keeping her safe from atomic annihilation. Undeterred, Giygas readied another haymaker blast and let loose. Ness's knees began to buckle under the strain, but could it be?
Garrett McMahon:Yes! Prince Pooh rose up and joined his best friend, holding up the field with both hands. Giygas, not to be denied, unleashed another deadly attack. And was it wow, even Jeff is getting in on this. I didn't even know he had psionic powers, but there he was, side by side with his dear friends, holding up that life-saving force field. So too did that blast fall aside and die out like a gentle wave on a summer day at the beach.
Garrett McMahon:If she hadn't been looking down the barrel of an attack of which she could not comprehend its true nature, and so if she had more time to ponder it all, Paula would have maybe realized that psionic power was a power alien in origin true, but also a power that comes as a gift from the planet itself, and fed by good deeds and positivity and friendship and love. And the more love fed to her and her dear friends, the more powerful that psionic power would be, or something like that. But it wasn't to be so eloquent as all that, as Paula rose to her feet and toughened up. Well, she said to herself, it's official. Prayer works, and don't you ever even think about forgetting that now, you hear?
Garrett McMahon:She stood by Ness's side, and a tug of war began between the chosen four and the destroyer of worlds. Well, more like a push of war. Giygas launched a blast of a thousand thermonuclear warheads at the chosen four, who propped up a force field stronger than a million reinforced underground bunkers, and sometimes the children gained ground, and sometimes it was their alien foe.
Garrett McMahon:Finally, the chosen four gave it their last push, and the blast reflected off them and went forward directly into the horrific machine. The cave boomed with the deafening echo of a machine malfunctioning and powering down, and there was silence. The bloody haze of Giygas's psionic malice, the screams, the taste of blood, the prickly heat, all of it vanished. There was nothing left but the smoldering machine, the crackling circuits of the chosen four's mechanical bodies just hanging on, and the rotten minch boy lying on the ground in the same place as before, laughing.
Garrett McMahon:All for nothing. I told you, Ness, back at Fourside, he saw your demise just as surely as the apple saw his own one way or another. You didn't think I was messing around, did you?
Garrett McMahon:As Ness ignored him and walked to the ruined machine, Paula stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
Garrett McMahon:Ness, what's he talking about?
Garrett McMahon:Nothing. He took her hand off and kept moving.
Garrett McMahon:No, wait! Hey you, zombie boy, what are you saying?
Garrett McMahon:Ness looked down on his former friend, then his current ones beside him, and a look of regret betrayed him. The boy on the ground laughed and laughed and laughed.
Garrett McMahon:Oh no! You didn't tell them.
Garrett McMahon:Ness, tell us what? What?
Garrett McMahon:I... my parents met because they fought Giygas when they were kids, just like us. If we do this, if we stop him in his past, then they will have never fought him and they will have never met and I will have never existed.
Garrett McMahon:Ness looked down at his shoes and kept his gaze away from his friends, who were aghast. He ignored the minch boy on the floor, who dragged himself away and laughed uproariously and coughed up his lungs, never to be seen by anyone ever again.
Garrett McMahon:Ness! Are you crazy? You can't do this. You you just can't!
Garrett McMahon:She is right, old boy. There's got to be something else we can do. There are infinite possibilities. We can't just we we can't just let you...
Garrett McMahon:Ness, please. We're your friends. You're you're my best friend.
Garrett McMahon:Ness took one last look at his friends and wiped a tear away.
Garrett McMahon:Guys... Goodbye.
Garrett McMahon:He launched a massive force field before him that knocked his friends back. Underneath the psionic bubble, he could not hear his friends' sobs and desperate pleas to come back, but he could see them pick themselves off the ground and run to the force field and bang on it with their fists to no avail. He turned his back on his friends and headed toward the ruined machine, ready to face his enemy at long last. He reached that gigantic lobe at its center, now burst in leaking oil, and cleared the debris. And here it was that Ness saw of all the things his next door neighbor, the older Minch Boy, did to impede his quest, perhaps his cruelest deed of all.
Garrett McMahon:Throughout his entire journey, when Ness imagined himself face to face with his enemy, he imagined a slightly less intimidating, younger alien version of a frightening conqueror, when he could maybe talk out of grasping the apple of enlightenment for himself, and if not, then righteously bludgeoning him with psionic power. But there before him, at the center of that wicked machine, hooked up with cables and control panels, Ness finally saw the first true glimpse of Giygas, the destroyer of worlds, and he wasn't a scary alien, he wasn't a bloodthirsty conqueror.
Garrett McMahon:He was a baby. He was actually kind of cute. He looked like a silver grey humanoid mouse, with big black eyes, wide elephant-like ears, and a tail that wagged at the sight of him. He purred a little bit too in some otherworldly cadence.
Garrett McMahon:No, no, no, this was all wrong. He couldn't do this to a baby. He was innocent. He he didn't even know anything yet. It wouldn't even be long before he'd be a boy, just like Ness. And maybe somewhere on some distant planet this boy would learn to love some kind of alien version of baseball. Or some intergalactic warmer season where jumping into some strange liquid was the best way to cool off. Maybe he'd have a secret hideout with his friends and gab and goof off about some alien nonsense or whatever. Maybe on that planet he liked scary movies and gory video games too. Maybe he would make three best friends and go on countless adventures, and change the lives of everyone he meets for the better. Did he have a right to take that away from this little alien baby before him? Who was wagging his tail like king? Who was purring? Who seemed to like him even then?
Garrett McMahon:A thought that lied, long dormant, exploded in his mind like a firework. When he used the apple of enlightenment for such abuses, he made the conscious choice to become accountable for his actions anywhere in his own timeline. That is the terrible price one must pay when such a holy object is used for selfishness and harm. Ness wasn't sure if he agreed with that entirely, but it kind of made sense. More importantly, he remembered what he was doing here in the first place. If I don't do this now, he'll come back. Not in this moment, but in another, from one of the infinite number of points along his timeline. He'll always come back, and he'll hurt millions more. It has to stop now.
Garrett McMahon:Ness let the psionic power course through his body, and it comforted him just a little more. He remembered how it felt when he first used it, just outside of Stonehenge. There he realized it was a positive force of good, that it wouldn't work unless he was defending the weak, those who couldn't defend themselves. He was helping millions of people who couldn't defend themselves, and he was helping his friends, who he loved with all his heart.
Garrett McMahon:Maybe if Ness had spent years doing something useful with his life like getting a college degree in philosophy, and maybe if he had oodles of time to use that degree, he could have contemplated the very best choice to make in this tough situation. But there and then, in that do or die moment, Ness decided that the teeming millions of the universe deserved a chance at peace and happiness more than this innocent, adorable baby alien boy deserved a chance to one day, possibly, amazingly, choose not to become Giygas, the destroyer of worlds.
Garrett McMahon:Ness took the infant alien in his hands, and the machine around them glowed a bright neon, red, yellow, and blue.
Garrett McMahon:I'm sorry, little guy, he whispered to the child in his hands. I'm so sorry. Goodbye, Paula, Jeff, Prince Poo. Goodbye, King. Mom. Dad.
Garrett McMahon:The machine exploded in an inferno of red, yellow, and blue psionic fire. The entire world around them let out a death rattle, cracked and contracted and expanded, fizzled into a hopelessly garbled signal of radio static and video -pixelated snow, then collapsed into a neat little bar in the center of the screen, faded into a single white dot, and vanished. You've been listening to the podcast against Giygas. The podcast against Giygas will conclude next Monday. Till next time.