Earthbound: The Podcast Against Giygas!
An unofficial retelling of the 1994 Super Nintendo video game Earthbound: The War Against Giygas.
Time-traveling aliens, deadly robots, scary monsters! It’s going to take the strongest warriors to stop them from taking over the world… and we got four kids.
It's the wildest, wackiest, and stinkiest podcast around... It's the Podcast Against Giygas!
ROCKIN!!!
Earthbound: The Podcast Against Giygas!
In Which Our Hero's Journey Finally Comes to an End
It’s over, at long last…
Ness’s fearsome foe is defeated, the world is saved, the Chosen Four are okay, we’re all gonna be okay!
Now then, boys and girls, just follow the bouncing ball, and a one and a two…
🎶 Grown-ups have done so much more stuff than me
There's many things that I still want to see
Now I take my backpack to the world
and fill it with memories
My favorite baseball cap rests on my head
My worn out sneakers, faded white and red
My own guitar pick, shiny and clear
Safe in my pocket, right here
Though sometimes I got sad and almost cried
You were right there with me, by my side
I knew we were friends to the core
But maybe it was something more
🎶 Together, we walked that road for so long
We laughed, we played, we got hurt, we grew strong
When taking short-cuts, and getting lost
I learned what I'd known all along
That even if you can't put faith in those
Who you meet, and lose, and love, and hug
Overall, you just can't give up
Believing in your friends
And just by being there, you've woken me
Just by being who you'd always be
Now I see, you helped me to know
The stronger, happier me
Like a gentle breeze, through the grass and the pine trees
You always wore a smile
🎶 Now we, who shared our
Smiles and Tears... (I miss you)
We two are now far apart...
“I’ll talk about my adventure, and you can tell me about all your mistakes!”
You're listening to the podcast against Giygas. Episode twenty-three, in which our hero's journey finally comes to an end. Okay, so it's like this. On the one hand, the universe has laws, and they must be obeyed, no matter what. It's the social contract we all sign on the dotted line at the very moment of our birth. And these aren't laws like the ones we have for murder or arson or tax evasion or ripping that tag off your mattress, where you can technically break them, and it's okay as long as you go to jail for a very long, long time. No, these are different. You cannot break them at all, no matter how much you try. There's no such thing as an object going up and never coming back down again. There's no such thing as something moving by itself and then stopping by itself without another force stopping it just because it feels like it. There's no such thing as a planet orbiting the sun any old which way except orbitally. There's no such thing as energy concentrated in one place flowing any little old where except to a place of lower concentration. And above all, there's no such thing as someone going back in time, destroying the thing that is their direct cause of their generation, and then existing anyhow. It just isn't done.
Garrett McMahon:On the other hand, if we really want to be honest with ourselves, there really were a lot of things that happened in this story of which there is no such thing, weren't there? There's no such thing, for example, as conquering aliens traveling from millions of miles away to lay waste to our world. There's no such thing as the power to disintegrate something with a concentrated blast of force from your mind. There's no such thing as a girl who can set things on fire and move cast iron skillets with the force of her will and read thoughts and send her own thoughts out to other minds. There's no such thing as a twelve-year-old boy, no matter how smart, constructing a flying machine that can go faster than time passes around the world. There's no such thing as a boy who can stop time to travel thousands of miles away in seconds. Let's keep going, shall we? There's also no such thing as cars, road signs, gas pumps, and big cups of coffee that grow big teeth and googly eyes and try to eat you. There's no such thing as policemen who like to beat up their own citizens for fun. There's no such thing as a statue that deludes people into worshipping a color. There's no such thing as zombies, let alone zombies who like to eat not human brains, but marmite. There's no such thing as a cup of coffee sending you to a photonegative land where you have to work every weekday from nine to five. There's no such thing as a nice sea monster living in one lake, or a mean sea monster living in an ocean. There is no such thing as a cave full of monkeys who not only can talk, but like to eat pizza. There's no such thing as a pyramid full of talking statues, or a world under the earth where dinosaurs are still alive. There is no such thing as an alternate dimension where pink, roly-poly beings can speak glossolalia and build upside down houses. There's no such thing as a big footprint left by a caveman a hundred feet tall, or a waterfall of pink non-Newtonian liquid that cures negative thoughts and dyspepsia, or an active volcano you can comfortably walk around in your bare feet, or a magical room just right underneath Stonehenge full of blinking lights that can display your thoughts.
Garrett McMahon:There is no such thing as any of these wonderful, wacky, scary, unbelievable happenings, and yet, and yet, the universe nonetheless allowed them to happen to these four brave children. And let's not forget the um, elephant in the room. There's also no such thing as going back in time and destroying the cause of your own generation in the first place. It's... it's a time paradox for a reason! You have to exist first, and then you step into some portal to go back in time and to destroy the thing that causes your existence, but then once you do, you, you couldn't have ever stepped into the portal to do it because you don't exist, which means you never went back in time to destroy the thing that causes you, so you never did destroy... so you do exist? Ugh, what a mess!
Garrett McMahon:Well, needless to say, the universe found itself in a very fuzzy pickle indeed. So this was the deal. In recognition of the outstanding courage, wisdom, and friendship displayed by these four remarkable children, and especially its leader, who bravely, selflessly sacrificed himself to save countless others and countless worlds, in exchange for all that, and just as a little treat, and just this one time, so don't ask again, the universe would look the other way for just a second, while somehow, in some weird way, someone or something would bend its unbendable laws just a little bit.
Garrett McMahon:And there they were now, four lifeless mechanical bodies lying in front of a cave in some barren crystalline land twenty five million years ago. A ball of light glowed from each robot and slowly rose into the air. Why, these were none other than the immaterial consciousnesses of these brave children, the subtle bodies of the chosen four so expertly inserted into artificial vessels by the master surgeons of the Saturn village. And one by one they transformed into their recognizable shapes. The soul of the August Child of the Ivory Throne of Dalaam, Pu yi Huang taizi of the Xuantong era, the soul of Jeffrey Maximilian Lovelady Winniford upon Avon And onuts, the soul of Paula Margaret Carpainter. And yes, indeed, one more glowing white ball of consciousness joined his friends, none other than the soul of Nestorius Franklin Elliot.
Garrett McMahon:For in recognition of their outstanding courage, wisdom, and friendship, the universe bestowed upon the chosen four the supreme, exquisite privilege and honor of enjoying the remainder of their existence. The souls took the form of four little angels, complete with glowing white togas, little cherub wings, and a glowing halo over their heads. They even had little harps too, even though they could barely play a note on them between the four of them. It was all very silly. And the deal was, these four goofy little angels would fly back twenty five million years into the future, and through a few dimensions, back to the Saturn village, and then cannonball dive right back into their little sleeping bodies.
Garrett McMahon:They awoke together at the exact same moment, and gave each other great big hugs, ecstatic that they made it out of that nightmare world alive. They remembered everything that transpired up to then, you see, even Ness's brave sacrifice. So first they hugged Ness for all they were worth, and then the three of them gave him a good tongue lashing. What was the big idea with all that? He didn't even let them help him. He didn't even tell them. Not to mention, it didn't exactly tickle when he knocked them back with that force field. Ness let his friends holler their lungs out at him, because they knew they were mad, only because they loved him so much. And he just said, I'm sorry, again and again. And soon enough they built a bridge and got over it. Because they knew he did it all only because he loved them so much.
Garrett McMahon:Then the deal was, they would find that everything around them had stopped. Not quite stopped, though, but rather everything was going backwards, very slowly. They would find that the further they walked back to their homes, the more time would reverse itself back to one singular and very important moment. The night before Ness's twelfth birthday, only this time a night where there was no falling meteor, no Buzz-Buzz, no scary Starman, no Giygas, and therefore no war against Giygas.
Garrett McMahon:And yes, it was true that once a given child of the chosen four reached their home and waved till next time to their friends, they would immediately lose all memory of that wonderful trip they shared together. And that was kind of sad. But that's okay. In some weird way, traces of those wacky and scary and weird and happy adventures would linger in their hearts and minds, one way or another, whispering to them, making them choose one thing over another, usually for the better. Besides, who was to say they'd never see each other again? It wasn't impossible. Indeed, to paraphrase the great Dr. Andonuts, nothing is impossible, and if they really couldn't think of a way to reconnect with each other due to a problem so trifling as no memory of having ever met before in their lives, well, they only had their limited intellect to blame.
Garrett McMahon:So they walked, from the Saturn village all the way to the misty mountain kingdom of Dalaam, and Prince Poo invited them to walk up the mountain that led to the palace, and watched the massive Dalaam sun rise over the great mountain kingdom. It did, and then the prince waved till next time to his friends, turned his back, and went home to the golden palace of the ivory throne. They walked all the way from Dalaam to Winters, not even cold anymore. The snowflakes floated in midair, and if you looked at them long enough, you could see them falling up back into the snowy sky. They walked past the Great Andonuts Laboratory, past Stonehenge, and to the edge of Lake Tessie, where that old girl just so happened to be waiting for them, allowing the children to jump on her back so she could swim backwards across the lake. They reached the iron gates of the Snowwood boarding house, gave Jeff a boost up and over, and Jeff waved till next time to his friends, turned his back, and made it all the way to his bedroom before any prefects ever became the wiser.
Garrett McMahon:Ness and Paula walked from Winters all the way to Twoson, holding hands, smiling to each other, saying nothing. Ness walked her to the front of the great blue house, and Paula went to the mailbox with the flag still up. She took the orange Franklin badge from the box, pecked Ness on the cheek, waved till next time, turned her back, and entered her house. Ness walked alone back to one ed, past cars on the road technically driving but stuck in slow reverse, and reached his hometown at last. Everyone's homes were still there. Everyone was safe. There were some policemen putting up roadblocks, though in reverse it looked like they were actually taking them apart for once. There was Frankie Fly and his sharks at the arcade, playing a game from the ending all the way back to the beginning. There was George's house and William and Maxwell and Avery and Gordy's house, and the tree house in his backyard. He walked all the way to the house on two hundred and fifty seven Juniper Street, and there was his mother, frozen in the middle of a song. He gave her a hug and walked to his room. And there was King, lying on his bed, his tail suspended in mid-wag. He gave him a hug, then got into his pajamas, brushed his teeth, made his bed, got into the covers, and went to sleep, The courtiers and retainers of the Golden Palace of the Ivory Throne of Dalaam were all abuzz with fuss and trepidation. It was the morning of the young August child's thirteenth birthday, you see, and word was he had passed his mu recital with flying colors. He was to appear before his entire court first thing in the morning and speak his very first words. It was a nerve-wracking ritual. The first announcement to escape from the prince's lips would be an appraisal of their entire tutelage. Their entire lives would be weighed, valued, and judged by either faint praise or a biting reprimand. And the way the prince usually comported himself, they were all too aware it was far liklier to be the latter.
Garrett McMahon:The doors creaked open to the young prince's quarters, they waited on tender hooks. Another moment of suspense, and they all would have dropped dead then and there. The August child appeared and stood before the court, with a big smile on his face.
Garrett McMahon:Fuuuuzeeeee Pickles!
Garrett McMahon:The prince played his trusty jaw harp in his mouth and punctuated his proclamation with a loud and proud boing! The courtiers looked to each other in confusion. Well at least it wasn't a reprimand.
Garrett McMahon:It is I, the August child of the Ivory Throne, Pu yi Huang taizi of the Xuantong era, or Prince Poo for short. And this is my first decree. Away with pomp and circumstance, away with lessons and recitals. It is my thirteenth birthday, and I demand a proper birthday party.
Garrett McMahon:Prince Poo paced back and forth around his court, beside himself in dumb giddy joy.
Garrett McMahon:Summon to the court every child in the capital between the ages of oh ten or eleven and the ages of, let's say, fourteen or fifteen. Auditions will begin at once for the very important administrative role of my best friend. All other children will become my other friends, and every single friend shall be invited to my birthday party. There will be cake and candles, there will be music and dancing, there will be wrapped gifts... Wait a minute. I'm the heir apparent, I don't need gifts... There will be gifts for everyone else! Yes, that's the ticket. There will be games, there will be baseball, and when the sun has set, there will be fireworks. I am the August child of the Ivory Throne, and as I have spoken, so it shall be done.
Garrett McMahon:Prince Poo made his proclamation official with another loud boing from his jaw harp that echoed in the hall. The courtiers were frozen in utter bewilderment.
Garrett McMahon:Well, what are you waiting for, Christmas?! Get a move on already! We've already spent three minutes not celebrating my birthday.
Garrett McMahon:The courtiers scattered with a terrified shout to a man, and all began preparations for the greatest, most magnificent birthday party the ancient mountain kingdom of Dalaam has ever and would ever see!
Garrett McMahon:Or else...
Garrett McMahon:Jeffrey Andonuts awoke from his cot at precisely seven forty eight in the morning and jumped out of bed. He had the dream again, and as was the case when he had the dream again, he paced around his room like a madman, which woke up his roommate and friend, Tony.
Garrett McMahon:Jeff, what is it?
Garrett McMahon:I've just had the most peculiar dream. Again. I joined two boys and a girl, I don't know, on the other side of the world. For a grand romp against d an alien zombies, it was it? And doctor... I mean my dad. He made a time and space machine, and and we Oh dear. But it wasn't all bad. It it was wonderful. They were... I already miss them terribly, and it was all so real. I say, Tony, have you ever had a dream so real, and then you woke and wondered whether the dream you had was your waking life or your waking life was a dream?
Garrett McMahon:Well, I...
Garrett McMahon:I'll make an invention! Yes, there must be a way, some undiscovered principle as of yet unploughed in the great field of quantum physics. I will construct a machine that will make the dream come true. It's not impossible, is it? Why nothing's impossible, really...
Garrett McMahon:Tony leapt out of the bed and grabbed Jeff by the lapels of his pajamas, shaking them for all his worth.
Garrett McMahon:Jeff! Jeff! You're raving!
Garrett McMahon:Jeff looked himself over. His friend was right. He hadn't even put on his glasses, or even his slippers. He composed himself, and then rectified those two shortcomings at once.
Garrett McMahon:I see your point and concede it too, you old boy. There's a great Saturday before us, and I am a winter's boy, and by gum a Winter's boy on a Saturday must have his priorities. My suggestion is this. We report to the cafeteria at once, for breakfast tea and rashers and currant buns, and then we get up the old boyos and light some bottle rockets straight away into the headmaster's quarters.
Garrett McMahon:Tony pumped his fist and slapped on his cowboy hat.
Garrett McMahon:Wicked!
Garrett McMahon:Today was the day! Unusually for a birthday morning, it did take a little more slobber on King's part to get his lazy bones of a human out of bed, but get him out of bed he certainly did.
Garrett McMahon:Ah! Okay, okay, I'm up. I'm up. Hello. Good morning, boy.
Garrett McMahon:Ness sat up and gave King a big hug and plenty of pets. Only then, the sleep good and licked in the face by his dog right out of him, did the gravity of the situation finally sink in. It was his twelfth freaking birthday. His mom would give him the usual cake and candles and some gifts first. Then the big party was to come, with all his friends, and Uncle Lloyd and Uncle Teddy too. Rockin'.
Garrett McMahon:He dressed himself in his best blue and yellow striped shirt and jean shorts, slapped his favorite red hat on his shaggy head, and ran downstairs to his mother, who was singing a song as usual. She gave her son a hug and kissed his forehead, and then the birthday ritual began. She gave him a list of groceries for him to pick up, including the birthday steak, and whichever frosting he wanted for the chocolate cake she was to make from scratch. Ness put on his red high top sneakers and ran out the door with the list in hand. This time he chose German chocolate cake frosting. You know, it's not actually from Germany. It's named after the inventor, Mr. German. He didn't know that until just recently.
Garrett McMahon:As he walked out of the grocery store with a full brown paper bag full of stuff, he saw out of the corner of his eyes someone wandering down the street. She wore a pink frilly dress, knee high stockings, and shiny red shoes, with blonde hair bobbed to her neck. She sort of looked like she was on her way to church. In other words, she stuck out like a sore thumb, especially since it looked as though she was lost, if that fully unfolded map of the town of Wanette she had her nose poking in the middle of was any indication. His curiosity piqued, Ness made his way to the girl, but before he could get a word in edgewise, she approached him first.
Garrett McMahon:Oh, excuse me. Could you help me?
Garrett McMahon:Hello. Yeah, sure. Say, you kind of sound like you're from Twoson.
Garrett McMahon:Well, I am. And it just so happens I'm trying to get back to Tucson, but I just can't for the life of me find this dang nabbit bus station anyway.
Garrett McMahon:Oh, it's easy. Uh just go straight down two blocks, make a right on chestnut, and it's on your left there. You can't miss it.
Garrett McMahon:Ness leaned closer to the girl and pointed the way he described with his finger along the map.
Garrett McMahon:Oh, why thank you, you're too kind.
Garrett McMahon:No problem. I just hope you don't miss your bus.
Garrett McMahon:Oh, not to worry. I got a few hours before it goes. But the way I was carrying on before, I sure might have. Well, thanks again.
Garrett McMahon:Sure. Take care.
Garrett McMahon:The girl made her way down the first two blocks toward Chestnut Street, and Ness went his separate way back home. He kicked his sneakers off and made his way with the bag of stuff toward the kitchen, where he passed by his dad, sitting in his usual spot in his favorite recliner by the sofa, reading the paper.
Garrett McMahon:Heya, Slugger.
Garrett McMahon:Hey dad.
Garrett McMahon:Ness made it a good way to the kitchen before his body froze, making him drop the entire bag on the floor. He gingerly stepped back into the living room. He had to be sure. Could it be? Could that man sitting in his dad's favorite chair reading the newspaper in just that way? Could it be? And the man lowered the paper, revealing his grinning face and his big bushy dad mustache.
Garrett McMahon:DAD!
Garrett McMahon:As his father rose from his seat, Ness leapt into his arms and squeezed the life out of him.
Garrett McMahon:Watch out! I just took my inhaler.
Garrett McMahon:You're back! You're really back.
Garrett McMahon:Well, of course I'm back. If I were in Tokyo, I would have missed your birthday by now.
Garrett McMahon:Oh I missed you so much.
Garrett McMahon:You better believe I missed you too, Slugger.
Garrett McMahon:Only then did Ness relent in his boa constrictor grip and let his father breathe once again.
Garrett McMahon:Are you back for good? Are you back for real?
Garrett McMahon:Well, not quite. I still have a year and some change. But the thing is, I never realized I'd been accruing all this PTO for so long. So, I'm gonna be here for the entire summer. And then, later on, if you got a game you want me to go to or anything else, give me a call and I can probably hop on by. It'll be like that for one more year. And then poof, back to normal.
Garrett McMahon:Wow! The whole summer? Really?
Garrett McMahon:You betcha. I think we should take a vacation. Where should we go? Summers, maybe? Or the Scarabin desert to see the pyramids? I hear the sunrise in Dalaam is something else too.
Garrett McMahon:But first things first. An excellent rare steak had to be chowed down, and twelve candles on a German chocolate cake had to be blown out, and presents had to be ripped open. Ness loved every one of them, including a brand new gutsy bat. Wooden, of course, since all the professional records were set with wooden bats, but nonetheless the hardest, most molecularly densest of rare wood from a small forest in Sri Lanka, treated with a top secret triple ash and pure varnishing for maximum lightness, power, and grip comfort, no matter your swing, no matter your size, guaranteed to pop the most fastballs over the fence or your money back. He gave it a few practice swings, and it was just the thing to replace his old one, which by now had an unfortunate crack.
Garrett McMahon:It was then that his father produced one more present. It was smaller than usual, like a thick stack of papers. It might have been a biggish book. The birthday was going well enough that it wouldn't have been the end of the world if it had been a book, but still.
Garrett McMahon:Alright. One last present. Before I give it to you, try to remember. You were going on a long trip, right on your twelfth birthday, and your mom and I told you you had to go, and you begged us, please, please don't make me go. And I told you, I got you a present, but I couldn't give it to you until you get back. But once you did, you would think it was the best one you ever had. Remember? Well, you're back. So here you go.
Garrett McMahon:What? What on earth was he talking about? It was his twelfth birthday now. Well, his dad was always a little goofy at times like this, so Ness shrugged it off. He accepted the gift and felt it through the paper and gave it a little shake. It wasn't a book.
Garrett McMahon:Go on, open it, you silly.
Garrett McMahon:He did. It was a white envelope of some kind. Full of a bundle of papers? No. He read some text on the front of the thing. Sky Photos TM. Photos taken ins...
Garrett McMahon:Photos taken instantaneously! So get this. You're on vacation, right? And everything's going great until you realize, "oh no, I forgot to pack my camera!" Well, this company actually sends someone out, flies them down literally from the freaking sky to take pictures of you at any and all major landmarks, no matter where in the world you are. Well, I went ahead and spent a little more money and got you the deluxe package. That's the one that deliberately flouts the laws of space and time.
Garrett McMahon:How do they do that?
Garrett McMahon:Dunno. All they said was sign this dotted line, gimme fifty bucks more, and don't ask. Anyway, come on, open it up.
Garrett McMahon:He did. And was greeted by a photo of himself standing right outside his house. And just what in the world was this face he was making? He showed the thing to his dad.
Garrett McMahon:Come on, keep looking.
Garrett McMahon:He did. The next photo showed him all the way out at the giant step in Twoson. Weird. He had always wanted to go there, but had never been. But nonetheless, there he was, with his little bare foot making the huge footprint next to a girl. He kept looking. There he was in Threed, at their great summer carnival, with the same girl and another boy, kind of nerdy, dressed up like he went to a prep school or something. He kept looking. And there he was in the Saturn Valley with Paula and Jeff... What? The Saturn Valley? What the heck was that? And how did he already know what the heck that was? And Paula, Jeff? Who were what was going on?
Garrett McMahon:He kept looking, and there he was in Fourside, near the big suspension bridge, and another by a big Saguaro cactus in the Dusty Dunes desert, with a friendly looking mariachi band beside them. Now he was joined by another boy, a real sourpuss of a companion from Dalaam, if you had to guess. Were they in Summers? If they were, why was this boy so grouchy? There they were in a museum of natural history, with huge dinosaur bones behind them. There they were in a cave with goofy talking monkeys. One of them was eating a slice of pizza. Another one with the Great Pyramid and the Sphinx in the Scarabin desert. And what was this place? A jungle somewhere? A volcano behind them? That's neat. And there he was with Prince Poo and Dalaam. The sun high above them, the golden palace on a hill behind them. They were playing baseball. And Winters, Stonehenge. Wow! His friends were cheering him on for something. Who knows what? But they were jumping and screaming out of their minds. Oh yeah, it was because he discovered his... psionic powers.
Garrett McMahon:Everything came back to him all at once, a tidal wave of funny and scary and sad and wonderful moments. A dream he had for his whole life, which he could have sworn was true even while he dreamed it, even right when he woke up. His mother and father, watching him all the while, went to him and put their arms around him.
Garrett McMahon:So... it really happened. It all happened.
Garrett McMahon:Yeah, Slugger, it all happened.
Garrett McMahon:It wasn't so long ago we were in the same boat, your dad and I, and your Uncle Lloyd and Uncle Teddy. In the end, we couldn't do what had to be done. Who knows if we made the right choice?
Garrett McMahon:But you? To be that brave, to willingly face such a huge responsibility, knowing that even if you succeed, you won't know your friends anymore, or you might not even exist. That's the sort of thing that makes you a better person. That's something you deserve to remember.
Garrett McMahon:He gave his mother and father monster hugs all around. His dad was right. It was the best gift ever. He gave him his dear friends back. Grumpy Prince Poo, who was an excellent fighter, and not so bad at baseball too. And "Jeffrey Andonuts, at your service," a little eccentric, but he could build anything that should or could work. And Paula Carpainter, kind, strong, and ferocious Paula, who always wore that frilly pink dress, knee-high stockings, and shiny red shoes, always looking like she was on her way to church, and that charming little accent from... Twoson.
Garrett McMahon:Oh.
Garrett McMahon:Oh no.
Garrett McMahon:Oh my gosh.
Garrett McMahon:Ness had to go. He had to go right now.
Garrett McMahon:Mom! Dad, I have to go! Thanks so much for the presents. They're great. They're the best ever, but I gotta go. I'll be right back. I'm sorry, I gotta go!
Garrett McMahon:He scrambled to put his sneakers on, almost forgetting the bundle of photos taken instantaneously, and ran out the door. He ran down Main Street to the supermarket. He ran two blocks from there, ran right down Chestnut Street, ran all the way to the bus station, and saw the bus to Tucson driving away full speed ahead.
Garrett McMahon:No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not when he was so close! He ran after the bus, ran as fast as he could, ran even though every limb in his body hurt, ran even though his lungs could barely grasp enough oxygen for his body to ever take him there, ran even though, as far as he knew, his psionic powers didn't include super cheetah speed. It was driving away faster, farther. He had to do something. He screamed Paula's name down the street, screamed it till it tore his already tired lungs to shreds. And then, without even knowing what he was really doing, without ever knowing he could do it all along, he tried one more thing.
Garrett McMahon:It stood to reason that as the son of the former great heroes in the war against Giygas, the psionic adepts Ninten and Pollyanna Elliott, Ness could do anything they could do. His father could fire ferocious death rays of pure destructive power from his fingertips and channel it through his bat. And uh, I think he might have also had ice powers or something? I don't know. And his mother could move objects with the force of her mind, protect her friends with powerful defensive force fields, and also do one other thing. He stretched out his hand toward the bus and screamed at the top of his lungs without ever opening his mouth.
Garrett McMahon:PAULA!
Garrett McMahon:On that bus, a certain young girl wearing a frilly pink dress, who looked like she was on her way to church, who brought with her a big teddy bear packed with her sundries, and spoke with a charming Twoson accent, rose from her seat.
Garrett McMahon:Stop the bus! I have to get off.
Garrett McMahon:Of course, the driver did not stop the bus. If bus drivers stopped the bus every time some silly girl traveling unaccompanied asked them to stop the bus, then no buses would ever go anywhere. She had to try harder than that.
Garrett McMahon:I... I'm gonna throw up!
Garrett McMahon:The bus screeched to a halt and burned rubber against the asphalt. A second later, Paula was shoved off the bus and it skidded away, Twoson bound. She looked down the street and saw a boy running toward her. Was it it was that same boy she met on the way to the station. He was sweet and kind to her then, sure. But why...? The boy finally caught up to her and collapsed on the street, sucking in huge gulps of air.
Garrett McMahon:Oh man! I thought I... Oh, thank you. Thank you. I thought I... I thought I lost you forever.
Garrett McMahon:Paula tiptoed to the wheezing boy, lying flat on his back, holding some kind of bundle of papers.
Garrett McMahon:You spoke to me in my mind. You can do what I can do. Who are you?
Garrett McMahon:I'm a friend. I'm a friend you never met before. Paula.
Garrett McMahon:How do you know my name, Ness?
Garrett McMahon:Paula gasped.
Garrett McMahon:How do... I know your name?
Garrett McMahon:Ness rose from his feet and gave Paula the bundle of photos. It's a long story. And if I told you, you'd never believe me.
Garrett McMahon:Paula accepted the bundle and took a look at the first photo with a laugh.
Garrett McMahon:You look like a doofus.
Garrett McMahon:Come on, keep looking.
Garrett McMahon:She did. She saw the next photo with him at the giant step, his little bare foot right in the middle, like all the tourists do, still very much looking like a doofus, with her next to him. She flipped through photo after photo, and everything came back at once. She remembered the walk on the dusty dunes, the spooky carnival at three, the kidnapping at Foreside, the lazy days in summers, the trip to Scaraba, and that wonderful night by the fire at Jeff's house. She let tears of joy stream down her face, which were apparently contagious, as the boy before her started crying too. She put down the photos and looked up to Ness.
Garrett McMahon:It's all true. It happened.
Garrett McMahon:Yeah, it all happened. I, I wanted to uh, to invite you over to my house. It's my birthday today. And I... oof!
Garrett McMahon:Paula leaped into Ness's arms and hugged him with all her might, laughing and crying into his shoulder, and Ness did the same, not carrying a single jot if any adult or any shark saw them and thought them weird or silly.
Garrett McMahon:For his twelfth birthday, the world had given Ness his best friends back to him. This was the hardest part, just getting one of them, and here she was, crying tears of joy and laughing a sweet little laugh at that sweet little boy with a stain on his shirt who gave her a s'more that one night by the fire. Here she was, and soon Ness would bring her to his home and introduce her to his parents and his treehouse friends. One friend down, two more to go, he said to himself. There had to be something in the phone books, directories or school records or some such thing, and he was sure he had permission from his parents to make a long distance call to Winters. Not to mention, how hard could it really be to find the sitting heir apparent of the entire monarchy of Dalaam? Or heck, what did they even need to call them for? They had telepathy for crying out loud. Paula did it to Jeff before, either of them could do it again.
Garrett McMahon:But that was all for later. Paula and Ness had some tears of joy that were welling up inside them for twelve straight years now, and they had to hurry up and cry them out. Ness and his three brave friends had together saved the world, and the world was ready to pay them back for the favor a hundred thousand fold. They had a whole lifetime ahead of themselves, the four of them together, a whole entire lifetime full of new happy memories and fun new gatherings and exciting new adventures. A whole lifetime together, full of even more smiles and tears. And yes, Ness's adventure with Paula, Jeff, and Prince Poo against the evil Giygas, the destroyer of worlds, has come to an end. And I'll miss them all very much. But don't be sad, because the great big adventure of Ness's weird, wacky, wonderful life is just getting started. Indeed, there are to be plenty more warm and sunny summers, more snow days off from school, more baseball games, more fun romps around the world with his three new best friends, and not to mention, more Smash Tournaments to win. And as proud wielders of psionic power, no doubt there will be even more fierce battles headed their way, in defense of the planet Earth and all those living upon it who cannot defend themselves.
Garrett McMahon:But for now, the dread alien conqueror known as Giygas will never menace the good people of this world again. The journey was hard, and much of it was scary, but it wasn't all bad. And truth be told, it was a whole lot of fun too. And most importantly, Ness had help, without which he could have never gotten as far as he did. Help from his friends, his family, from kind and well-meaning strangers he met along the way, and especially from you. And so, most of all, I'd like to thank you, listeners, dear friends, for sticking by him from the very beginning, from that very first step he took out his front door, all the way to the very end, face to face against his greatest foe, and always believing in him. It made all the difference. Well, I hope to see you all again when some other adventure comes our way every Monday morning. But until then, take care of yourself. Till next time. Um well let's go ahead and read it. Here we go.
Speaker 3:The card I sent you so very long ago. Say, buddy, did you forget something on your way out? A time machine, maybe? I told you every step of the way you will never be rid of me.