When Forgiving Hurts

Forgiving can be difficult. In this episode, we talk about forgiving, even when it hurts. 

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Welcome to Hope at the Cross. This is Christina, and today we are going to be talking about forgiveness. I know that is a topic that is discussed about a lot in the Christian world, but it's because it is so important. You know, Jesus forgave us, and forgiveness is key to our reconciliation with him. Anyway, today specifically, we're going to be speaking about forgiving when it hurts. And the reason that I am choosing to talk about that today is because it's something that recently happened to me. So before we start, as always, let's go ahead and begin in prayer. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for the day that you have given us. Thank you so much that you love us. Thank you for forgiving us. Thank you for reminding us of your love through your forgiveness and allowing us the opportunity to continue to show your love through the forgiveness of others. Lord, I ask that you let your Holy Spirit guide this message. Lord, move me out of the way. Let it only be you that speaks. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. So I'm gonna start off reading a little bit of scripture before I go into my story. We were reading from Matthew 6, verses 13 through 18. And where we are in Matthew 6, for those of you who don't know, I'm just gonna give a little bit of a background. This is coming from the Sermon on the Mount. This is the longest sermon that Jesus gave, and he kind of goes through everything. It's a very powerful sermon. Anyhow, at some point, Jesus shows us how we should pray. And of course, it is the Our Father that so many of us know. So we are gonna start off at the end of the Our Father prayer. Again, the verses that I'm gonna read is starting from verse 13, chapter 6 of Matthew. So it says, and don't let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one. If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your father will not forgive you. And then when you fast, do not make it obvious as the hypocrites do. For they try to look miserable and disheveled, so people will admire them for their fasting. I tell you the truth that this is the only reward they will ever get. But when you fast, comb your hair and wash your face, then no one will notice that you are fasting. Except for your father who knows what you do in private. And your father who sees everything will reward you. So a lot of times people will just look at verses 14 to 15 when talking about forgiveness. But the reason that I went ahead and went further back into verse 13 and all the way to 18 is because I think it's really important that we grasp the fullness of what is going on. So we know that Jesus is a strategic and an on-purpose God. Everything that he says is done with purpose and on purpose. So when he leads out of the Our Father, I want you to realize that the scripture before this says, Don't let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one. He goes on right into forgiving those who sin against us so that our father can forgive us. And he doesn't just stop there. He also reminds us that if we refuse to forgive others, then our father will not forgive our sins. And I continue to go on because he talks about fasting in a sense that when you do fast, that it is something that is private between you and our father in heaven. But listen to how that ends. He says, No one will notice that you are fasting except for your father who knows what you do in private. And your father who sees everything will reward you. And here's the thing: that is not just in fasting. Everything that you do, your father will notice. He sees what you do in private, and your father who sees everything will reward you according to the things that you do. I don't think that it is something coincidental that it runs together with forgiveness and temptation. Because unforgiveness is something from the evil one. And we can be tempted a lot of times to not forgive. For the most part, when people have a difficult time forgiving, it's because we feel like we have the right to be upset. I know I've heard people in the past say they don't deserve forgiveness. And I think that some people might have the misconception that it makes what they did okay, and that's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness, rather, is releasing that hurt to God and allowing him to have it and handle it because he is a just God. And as we forgive them and we release that to God, we trust him to handle it from there. That's one reason that I know I've heard people say they have a hard time forgiving. I've also heard people say, I forgive, but I don't forget. In reality, that's not forgiveness. That is not a godly forgiveness. Because when God has forgiven us, we are wiped clean. That sin is covered. Because love covers a multitude of sin. And that's not to say that we should allow people to hurt us or anything like that. I would never advise anyone to do that. What I am saying is forgive them. Release it to God, and you don't have to continue to associate with that person. You can pray for them. You can allow God to work on them without you subjecting yourself to any more hurt. Because I promise you, God would never want you to be in a situation where you are being hurt. So that leads me to what I wanted to talk about. There are some things that are easy to forgive. You know, with me, when something hurts my feelings, I can work through it. You know, when someone says something about me, I could pray about it. If somebody does something wrong, I'm okay. But you know, when someone hurts someone that I love, when someone hurts my child, for example, that's where forgiveness gets really hard. Because when someone hurts me, I could tell myself, let it go. God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive. But when someone hurts my daughter, something different rises up in me. You know, I want justice. I want them to understand what they did. I want them to, and I don't know if I want them to hurt the way my child hurt, but I at least want them to recognize that they hurt her. If I'm being completely honest, sometimes I don't even want to forgive. That's where God has been dealing with me. I hear him saying, Christina, ask me to change your heart until you actually want to. And that's a very different prayer because forgiveness sounds beautiful when we're talking about it in church. But forgiveness can be painful when you're standing there in the middle of a thing that hurts you. And that's what I want to talk about. It's something I have learned. What does it actually mean to forgive when forgiving hurts? I've been asking God to help me forgive someone who hurt my daughter. And I realize something about myself. Like I said, I'm much better at forgiving people when it is me that they have hurt. It is so much more difficult for me to do that when it is somebody that I love. You know, this is my child, and I want to protect her. I want to defend her. And there's a difference between protecting someone that I love and caring hatred towards the person who hurt them. I can both protect my daughter and tell the truth. I can recognize wrong behavior, I can have boundaries, I can still say, God forgive her. I can say, God forgive her. And not because what she did was okay, and not because she has earned my forgiveness, and not because I suddenly trust her, or that the hurt has disappeared, but because I don't want what she did, because I don't want what she did to become something that is living inside of me. I don't want someone else's brokenness to produce bitterness in me. I don't want their behavior to determine the condition of my heart. So I have been praying a very simple prayer. God help me want to forgive her. Change my heart, take the anger out of me. God help me to see her the way that you do, and help me to remember that you are the judge and I am not. And sometimes that's what forgiveness looks like. It's not pretending that she didn't hurt me or didn't hurt my daughter, or forgetting it, or trusting blindly, but choosing over and over and over again to put that person and the pain and the desire for justice into God's hands. So you know, when I think of forgiveness, one of the stories that come to mind is the story of Joseph. Because Joseph didn't have to forgive something that was small. He was betrayed by his brothers. I mean, these weren't strangers, they weren't distant relatives, they weren't the friend of a friend, they weren't his in-laws. These were his brothers. They were people who were supposed to love him, and they threw him into a pit and sold him. I'm gonna go ahead and read the story of Joseph for those of us who don't know it. I'm going to read from Genesis chapter 37. When Joseph was 17, he tended to his father's walks. He worked for his half-brothers, the sons of his father's wives, Bilba and Silva. But Joseph reported to his father some of the bad things his brothers were doing. Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other children because Joseph had been born to him in his old age. So one day, Jacob had a special gift made for Joseph, a beautiful robe. But his brothers hated Joseph because their father loved him more than the rest of them. They couldn't say a kind word to him. And one night, Joseph had a dream, and when he told his brothers about it, they hated him even more. Listen to this dream, he said. We were in the field tying up bundles of grain. Suddenly, my bundle stood up, and your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before mine. His brothers responded, So you think you will be our king, do you? Do you actually think you will ever reign over us? And they hated him all the more because of his dream and the way he talked about them. Soon Joseph had another dream, and again he told his brothers about it. Listen, I had another dream, he said. The sun, moon, and eleven stars bowed low before me. This time he told the dream to his father as well as to his brothers. But his father scolded him. But while his brothers were jealous of Joseph, his father wondered what the dreams meant. Soon after this, Joseph's brothers went to pasture their father's flocks at Sheshem. When they had been gone for some time, Jacob said to Joseph, Your brothers are pasturing the sheep at Shashem. Get ready and I will send you to them. I am ready to go, Joseph replied. Go and see how your brothers and the flocks are getting along, Jacob said. Then come back and bring me a report. So Jacob sent him on his way, and Joseph traveled to Shashem from their home in the valley of Hebron. When he arrived there, a man from the area noticed him wandering around the countryside. What are you looking for? he asked. I am looking for my brothers, Joseph replied. Do you know where they are pasturing their sheep? Yes, the man told him. They have moved on from here. But I heard them say, let's go on to Dothan. So Joseph followed his brothers to Dothan and found them there. When Joseph's brothers saw him coming, they recognized him in a distance, and as he approached, they made plans to kill him. Here comes the dreamer, they said. Come on, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns. We can tell our father a wild animal has eaten him. Then we will see what becomes of his dreams. But when Reuben heard of their scheme, he came to Joseph's rescue. Let's not kill him, he said. Why should we shed any blood? Let's just throw him into this empty cistern here in the wilderness. Then he'll die without our laying a hand on him. Reuben was secretly planning to rescue Joseph and to return him to his father. So when Joseph arrived, his brothers ripped off the beautiful robe he was wearing. Then they grabbed him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty. There was no water in it. Then, just as they were sitting down to eat, they looked up and saw a caravan of camels in the distance coming towards them. It was a group of Ishmaelite traders, taking a load of gum, balm, and aromatic resin from Gilead down to Egypt. Judah said to his brothers, What will we gain by killing our brother? We'd have to cover up the crime. Instead of hurting him, let's sell him to those Ishmaelite traders. After all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood. And his brothers agreed. So when the Ishmaelites, who were Midianite traitors, came by, Joseph's brother pulled him out of the cistern and sold him to them for twenty pieces of silver. And the traitors took him to Egypt. Sometime later, Reuben returned to get Joseph out of the cistern. When he discovered that Joseph was missing, he tore his clothes and griefs, then he went back to his brothers and lamented, The boy is gone. Then the brothers killed the young goat and dipped Joseph's robe in its blood. They sent the beautiful robe to their father with this message. Look at what we found. Does not this robe belong to your son? Their father recognized it immediately. Yes, he said, It is my son's robe. A wild animal must have eaten him. Joseph has clearly been torn to pieces. Then Jacob tore his clothes and dressed himself in burlap. He mourned deeply for his son for a long time. His family all tried to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. I will go to my grave mourning for my son, he would say, and then he would weep. Meanwhile, the Midianite traders arrived in Egypt, where they sold Joseph to Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, the king of Egypt. Potiphar was a captain of the palace guard. So they throw him into a pit and then they end up selling him. And you know what gets me about Joseph is that years later he has the opportunity to get even. He had both power and authority. He could have looked at his brothers and said, you know what, it's my turn now. But he didn't. So for those of you who don't know, what ends up happening is the favor of the Lord is on Joseph. He ends up going to the Potiphar's house where he gains Potiphar's trust, but then uh Potiphar's wife falsely accuses Joseph of misconduct, and so he goes to the king's prison. And while he's in that prison, he has more dreams that end up helping the Pharaoh, and so it ultimately gets Joseph second in command over all Egypt. So there is a famine, and Joseph is able to let the Pharaoh know that there's gonna be seven years of abundance and seven years of famine, and so they're able to be wise about that. And that is how Joseph's brothers end up reuniting with Joseph because they have to go to Egypt in order to get grain. So what ends up happening is those brothers go to him, um, they don't recognize him at first. He sends them to get his little brother, and they bring back his little brother. When they do bring back his little brother, he ends up revealing who he is, and then he sends for his father. So I'm gonna read from there. In Genesis chapter 50, we'll start with verse 14. After burying Jacob, Joseph returns to Egypt with his brothers and all who had accompanied him to his father's burial. But now that their father was dead, Joseph's brothers were fearful. Now Joseph will show his anger and pay us back for all the wrong we did to him, they said. So they sent this message to Joseph. Before your father died, he instructed us to say to you, Please forgive your brothers for the great wrong they did to you, for the sin in treat in treating you so cruelly. So we, the servants of the God of your father, beg you to forgive our sin. When Joseph read this message, he broke down and wept. Then his brothers came and threw themselves down before Joseph. Look, we are your slaves, they said. But Joseph replied, Do not be afraid of me and my God, that I could punish you. You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. In that, Joseph recognized who he was and who his God was. And he realized that God's hand was in it at all times. Joseph was humble in this because he realized it's not his place. Because he says, Am I God that I can punish you? You know, at the end of the day, I hope we can say, you know, you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. Now, what Joseph did not say was that it wasn't really that bad, or you didn't hurt me, or what you did was okay. He acknowledged the truth. He said, You meant evil against me, and that is the truth. But he continues and says, But God, and we all know, but God, right? That's where forgiveness begins is with God. Not pretending, not forgetting, not denying the pain, but with those two words, but God. Someone hurt me, but God. Someone betrayed me, but God. Someone talked about me, but God. Someone hurt my child, and it's hard for me to forgive them, but God. And that's where I have been personally. Someone hurt my daughter, and it is so hard for me to overcome that. I have done my best in trying to get her to a place where she is not hanging on to that anger of bitterness, but at the same time, I'm having to work on that myself. When my daughter is crying because of something someone said or did, there's a part of me that wants justice immediately. And I don't understand why somebody would want to cause the pain that they did. I have to take that to God. I have to say, God, I know you told me to forgive, but it's hard right now. And then I realized that maybe I should start off with, God, give me the desire to forgive. Change my heart. Take the bitterness out of me. Forgiveness does not mean we are saying that what they did is okay. I know that. I also know what God has called us to do, and I know what his word says. Joseph never said what his brothers did was okay. He just refused to let what they did determine the rest of his heart. In fact, he realized that in what his brothers did, it gave him an opportunity to be in a position where he could help his family. That's the favor of God. And that favor followed Joseph and all that happened to him after his brothers left him. I've always been amazed at Joseph's response. He gets it. He gets that in all of it there was a purpose. I know that you meant that, but God was doing something. And look, it didn't happen overnight. For Joseph, it was years. He was in prison for years. Had he not forgiven his brothers, he would not have been in a place where he was because he would have been a bitter person. And a bitter person, their fruit is bitter. But that's not what Joseph was. You know, I can protect my daughter, I can tell her the truth, I can have boundaries, and I'm relying on God's strength for it and through it. I'm relying on his love. I can say that the first few days it was very difficult. But with those prayers that I've been saying over and over and over again, Lord, you know, help me. Because I didn't want to let go at first. I was pretty upset because I felt like my daughter did not deserve what was being said and done to her. And it was unfair. It broke my heart to hear her cry. I thought, you know what? I'm not going to associate with this person. I'm not gonna speak to her. I am not. I don't want anything to do with her. And I had to start praying that prayer, asking God to change my heart, to help me forgive, because he called me to do that. I don't want to be disobedient. I want to be obedient. I want to carry his fruit of love, patience, gentleness, and kindness. And I cannot do that while I'm carrying the fruit of bitterness and unforgiveness. Those two can't coexist. Slowly, God has helped me to look at her with more compassion. Because I can see how unhappy this person is, and that's sad. What kind of representative of Jesus would I be to fight evil with evil or to not be obedient to what his word says? Because then I would just be a hypocrite. And that is not the new creation that he has made me to be. I don't know what God is going to do with every painful thing I experience, but I do know this. I want to end my story with But God. With that being said, I do want to end with another scripture. This is Ephesians chapter 14, verses 17 through 32. And of course, Paul is writing to the Ephesians. And in this particular book, it starts off titled Living as Children of the Light. So with the Lord's authority, I say this: live no longer as Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness, and they wander far from the life God gives, because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity. But that isn't what you have learned in Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have heard I'm sorry, since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on a new nature, created to be like God, truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth. For we are all parts of the same body. And don't sin by letting your anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry. For anger gives a foothold to the devil. If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way that you live. Remember, He has identified you as His own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of All bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. These are words that sometimes I think we can read through and don't really grasp the power in it. It's a very serious thing. It's not something we should take lightly. We are now held to a different standard. We are held to the Lord's standard and to his righteousness. So we have to be careful of what we allow in our hearts and what we allow ourselves to see and hear because those will become the things we focus on. You know, I could focus on this person's actions and the consequences of those actions and how they affected my daughter, and I could allow myself to get stuck there. I can remember the person that I used to be and all those things. You know, I had hurt feelings and I just didn't care. I didn't. There was a part of my life where my ex abused me physically and I had no sympathy for anyone because I didn't care. I didn't. Why should I? At that time I felt like no one cared about me. So I just didn't care. I treated people like however I wanted to because I was unhappy. I was miserable. And at that time I didn't care if other people were miserable because I was. And that is a horrible way to live. Horrible. And I realized that this person, God has given me the ability to look at her with compassion to a point where I'm reminded what Jesus said on the cross. He said, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. And I realize, Father, I don't think she knows what she's doing. Forgive her. Forgive her because she does not know. And I hope and I pray that through being obedient, that something will change in her. Maybe she will start to see Jesus in me. And he'll work on her heart and soften it just like he had to work on softening mine. I don't ever want to be a hindrance to someone's forgiveness. I'm so grateful that God hears my prayers, especially when they're honest ones, like God help me, because I don't know if I know how to forgive her, or I don't want to forgive her, so help me to want to forgive her. God give me the strength, or God give me your eyes so that I can see her the way that you do. Anyway, I know sometimes forgiving can be painful. No one said that the Christian walk would be easy. In fact, that is why he said it's a narrow road and not many choose it. But we have the hope and we have the assurance of knowing that we don't walk alone. We walk with God Almighty, the creator and the heavens of earth, the God who gave us his son, the God who tells the stars where to sit, the God who knows everything about us and loves us no matter what. He is the one who walks with us on that road. And when we learn to realize that our dependence is on him, when we learn to depend on him to help us forgive, because we are weak, but in our weakness he gets to show us his strength. And like Paul, Lord, let us say, Therefore, most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in my infirmities and reproaches and needs and persecutions and distresses for Christ's sake, for when I am weak, then I am strong. The Lord's grace is sufficient for us, and it is renewed every morning. So if you're holding on to something that, and it can be anything, from when you were a child to something recent, something done to you or something done to someone you love. Some people have a hard time even forgiving someone they don't even know. For example, some people I have heard have a hard time forgiving the president, and that's not even a direct offense that he's done to them. It's just something that people hold on to. There's this unforgiveness and this bitterness, and it starts to fester. And that seed creates a fruit, and it's not a fruit of the spirit. So, like I said, even if it's not you today saying, God, I forgive them, let it start somewhere else. Say God, because God knows. So be honest with him and depend on him to help you. Say, God, I know you want me to forgive this person, but that's kind of hard for me. Either A, I don't want to, B, I don't think I can, or C, it's just too hard. And whatever reasoning, whatever difficulty that it brings you to, bring that to him and ask him to help you with it. And guess what? He will. He is a loving father who listens and he wants to help you in your obedience to him. I want to thank you all for listening in. I encourage you to get into your word. If you're not connected to a church, find a good church that is dedicated to the word of God. If you ever need prayers, I know that you're able to send a message for prayer and just know that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. Because once again, Paul pleaded with God to remove the thorn. He pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from him. And the Lord said to him, My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength that is made perfect in weakness. So it is okay. Go to him and talk to him, rely on him, lean on him, trust in him. Forgiveness is possible even when it's painful. You can do it through Christ Jesus. That's all I got for this week. Next week, we will be talking about the difference between living by faith and denying the truth. Sometimes people who see us living by faith believe that we're just denying reality and they don't understand what it means as far as living by faith and not by sight. About claiming the things that are in his word, even when it looks like what is going on is showing something different. Sometimes some people might feel like that is just denial, but it's not denial. We live in a different reality because we live in a reality of the kingdom. And so I will be talking a little bit more about that next week. I want to thank you all for listening. And before I leave, we're gonna lead out in prayer. But before we do that, I cannot stress to you enough how important forgiveness is and how important honesty with God is. And how I started off with talking about those words of Jesus where he says, What your father sees in private, he will reward you for. I gotta say that again. What it says is that no one will notice that you are fasting. Sometimes no one's gonna notice that you're forgiving people that hurt you deeply, except for your father who knows what you do in private. And your father who sees everything will reward you. Please remember that our father sees you. He sees you when it's hard. I'm telling you, believe me when I say that when you lean on his strength and when you're honest with him, he will help you through it. I speak this not just because I've read it somewhere, but because I just lived through it. And I promise you that God's word is true. With that being said, I'm gonna go ahead and close out in prayer. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for bringing us here today to talk about forgiveness. We know how important this is to you because we know how important it is for us to have been forgiven by you. It is not something that we we deserved, but Jesus made it possible by his blood, and we are forever grateful for that, Lord. If there is any unforgiveness in us, please reveal it to us. If there is any bitterness in us, Lord, please reveal it to us. Work on us. Please help us in where we fall short with compassion and with the want to of not just being forgiven, but also being obedient. Lord, help us. Help us to want to be obedient. Help us to want to live in your spirit and to have less of us and more of you. We love you and we glorify your name. In Jesus' name we pray. Thank you and God be blessed.