I Got New Boobs!

I got new boobs! And not through a cosmetic procedure or plastic surgery, but the au natural way - healing my trauma 🤪 I’m sharing how my chest became ground zero for my healing journey, where I would eventually get inches taller, develop a new spectrum of emotions, and finally face my reflection after years of avoiding it. Hips, hormones, period pain, and a newfound libido.. We’re talking all the things my brain blocked from me for the past three decades, and how I’m reclaiming my body one inch at a time. 

If episode one was catching you up on my sex life, this one is all the necessary body background - the messy, painful, hilarious, and deeply human process of learning to exist in a body again after repressed trauma.

Chapters

• 0:00 Act I: Intro
• 3:05 All About the Boobs
• 16:33 Body Unfreezing - Posture, Hips and First Period
• 27:28 Poplight: Pop Culture Puberty
• 41:35 Act II: The Science of a Second Puberty
• 50:41 Growing Taller, Getting Hips and Feeling Horny

Transcript

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And I'm telling my therapist. Please. Like my boobs hurt. My hips are growing. I'm angry. I'm crying all the time. I'm horny. I'm in so much pain. What the hell is happening to me?

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Yes, and it felt like my body was betraying me.

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Yep. And my therapist just looks at me and she says, Jacy, do you know what this is?

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And when I tell you what she said to me, your jaw is going to hit the floor.

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You.

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Places, everyone. It's showtime. Welcome back to The Naked Puppet, the podcast where we pull back the curtain on all things sex, intimacy, and body.

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Especially after learning that the prolog got erased aka repressed childhood trauma. But the show went on anyway. I'm jk. I am backstage pulling all of the strings and setting the stage for my other half.

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That's me. I'm Jacy on stage in our puppet theater, shining a spotlight on all the juicy topics. You don't want to miss.

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Yes, because today's episode is all about boobs. Yep. The girls, the tatas, the twins, the honkers. Whatever you call them, stay with me. Because today's episode is pretty crazy. We're not just talking about capsizes and underwire trauma. We are talking about what happens when your body finally feels safe enough to speak. And it starts when your boobs have a lot to say.

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Yep. And for me, it was chest pain that came out of nowhere. Not hormonal, not medical, but something so hauntingly personal that it kicked off. Something that I never expected.

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Yup. And before we raise a curtain, a quick note.

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Today's performance does discuss sexual experiences, dissociation, the impact of childhood trauma, and if any of these topics are at all triggering. Please take care of yourself and step outside of the theater if you need to. The door is always open if you want to return.

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And if you are watching the visual version over on our YouTube, please note that some scenes have been cut to comply with platform guidelines. But if you want to hear the full, uncensored, unfiltered podcast version, I have left some links down in the description below. If you want to check those out, you can listen to the full podcast anywhere you can listen to podcasts.

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What a concept!

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All right. The stage is set, the spotlight is warm, and our leading lady is in position. Jessie, are you ready to dive into our boobies?

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In my business, we call that a motorboat.

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Okay, Jessie. Okay. Why are we talking about boobs today?

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okay, so episode one covered a lot of the sex stuff that I'll be talking about throughout this podcast series.

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But one of the other parts and one of the pivotal, foundational pieces of this podcast is My Body.

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Because you guys, my body is going through some of the most insane changes on this healing journey. And I am literally, truly, genuinely feeling my body for the first time.

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Well, what do you mean by that?

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So if you had asked me a year ago

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how my body felt, I probably would have said, like, I don't know, pretty good. Like I had just run a half marathon. I was going to the gym every day,

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But what I really meant was I had no idea where my internal organs were.

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I physically couldn't flex any of my muscles, and I thought that was kind of odd. And I was medically diagnosed with a high pain tolerance, and I was just like, heehee, ha ha, that's all kind of normal.

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And a perfect example of this is I used to play a game with myself called Zap Tongue, where I would make my Top Ramen soup and I would stir the boiling water with my fork, and then I would take it and I would press it against my tongue, and I would give myself zaps. And I remember I'd be like, well, it's it's so that I could remind myself that I can feel pain.

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Why didn't I think that that was that was not normal. So basically, I've never felt my body, but that was my baseline and I just didn't even realize it.

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Okay. That is, actually insane.

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Yes,

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But that's because

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my body had been stuck in functional freeze for most of my life. And then over this past year, as you guys know, I started on repressing trauma.

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I started on this healing journey, and I started feeling my body for the first time in my life. And it all actually started with my boobs. And it's then started permeating from the fibers of my body. From there.

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So there it is. Okay, so back up, back up. So your healing journey started with your boobs.

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So my boobs just started hurting one day, and it led to me coming out of a 30 year body paralysis.

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Okay. Tell me more.

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Okay, so when I entered my trauma treatment program that I went to for ten weeks, when I started going to therapy, my boobs started hurting.

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And not like period pain, but like a dull, angry kind of ache. And this was odd because my boobs never hurt. I was one of those people where I never really got PMS symptoms.

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You know, my boobs never got sore. I never had to deal with cramps, thankfully. And so I was like, this is a new sensation and I don't like it. And so I was really struggling with it for weeks. And so finally there was one day where my boobs were hurting so much at home that I literally was like, oh my God, why are you hurting?

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And this little voice in my head said, because you hate me.

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Wait. Like a literal voice.

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Yes. Like a literal voice. And it was kind of like, oh, congratulations to me. I unlocked some sort of boob grief. Like they weren't sore. My boobs were emotionally disappointed in me, and I didn't even know it.

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So what did you do?

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So I go back to my therapist and I say, hey, I had a I had a conversation with my boobs last night, and it was kind of weird. And as I was working through it with her, she asked me, she says, well, what do your boobs feel like? Like on your body?

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What do they feel like? And I'm like, they hurt. She's like, no, what, what what do you feel like? Take a moment to really get in your body and feel it. And during this time, I was panicking because this is when I started unraveling, that I couldn't feel my body and I couldn't get into my body, that I had depersonalization in, and I was dissociating out of my body.

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And it freaks me out because just like, take a few deep breaths, and after I was kind of able to settle into my body, I'm like, whoa, okay, I can I can kind of feel that that there might be some tattoos on my chest like that. That's kind of crazy. But I couldn't facilitate the conversation with my flesh orbs past that.

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So all I could do at that moment was I apologize to my honkers. I said, thank you for all you've done for me. I don't hate you, and I apologize that you feel that way. And I just kind of thought like, oh, okay, then I'm healed. They're not going to hurt anymore. I'm pain free and can move on.

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I'm guessing that's not what happened.

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no, absolutely not.

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So what happened the next time you started feeling your boobs again?

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So a few months later, the bags started hurting again. And I did the steps to breathe and get into my body and feel them. And the voices started coming back to. And the voice kind of just said, we hate our boobs. Like we hate them so much. And it just felt like,

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I don't know, I was getting emotionally dragged by my own tits.

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Like, I highly recommend this.

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And so I brought it back to my therapist and she said, well, what do you feel emotionally when you touch your boobs? And I said, well, they've just been in so much pain. So I've been foam rolling them to try to get the pain out, but they're just so tender and it hurts so much. And she's like, no, no.

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What do you feel when you feel them like with your own hands? And I blinked. It was, again, that glass shattering sound where I had this huge realization of

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I've never tried.

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Now that I think about it,

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I don't think I've

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ever touched my boobs myself.

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What?

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Ever. Like, not even in a sexy way. Not in a medical way.

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Not at all.

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Pause. You've never touched your own boobs.

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No. And I'm like, oh my God, men are more familiar with my own boobs than I am. What a crime. What?

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I still don't get it. You've never felt your own boobs. How is that possible?

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That's my same exact thought because I started reflecting and going,

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well, it wasn't intentional. It's not like I was avoiding it or wasn't allowing myself to. It was one of those things that, like, it never occurred to me. It was like a blank spot in my mind of an option to do so. I just never did it again.

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I had no baseline, and my therapist was telling me like, hey, maybe try massaging your boobs and, you know, feeling the emotions that come through. And again, my first thought is, okay, I'll try that. And I grab a foam roller and it's like, why am I outsourcing this? Why is my brain not even allowing me to touch my body, even though I know that that's the next step?

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So I tried, so I held them through a t shirt. I was holding my own business and I still couldn't feel much. But, you know, the pain kind of started going away, so I didn't think about it again.

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But then a few months later, they started hurting again. And I remember very specifically they were hurting in the shower.

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So I said to myself, okay, let's go massage them and find what emotions come through. So I literally this is so crazy, you guys. I got out of the shower and I put on a t shirt, and then I started touching them and I was like, dang, I don't still feel much. And then it was like I came out of my senses and I was like, wait, I was already in the shower naked.

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Why did I have to put on a t shirt to feel my own chest? Because. And it was, again, this glass shattering sound of okay, not only have I never felt my own boobs, but it was like I wasn't allowed to touch them skin to skin. I still needed another layer in between them. Whether it was a foam roller, whether it was my own t shirt.

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Oh my God. So you've literally never touch them.

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No. And I'm like, how long has this been going on? I didn't even realize it. It was so subconscious and so second nature to not even touch my own body.

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wild. I mean, what happened when you finally did?

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So I'm massaging my breasts and, it was it was really devastating, actually, because it's like they were trembling in my own hands. They were shaking. And

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Really

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the best way I could describe it is

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it's like. It's like my boobs were basically in a 30 year plank and finally got permission to exhale and release. You know that feeling when you're tensing all of your muscles and they shake?

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That's that was their resting state, and I didn't even know it. And they had been locked in this tension loop for 30 years. That it took me finally taking my own bare hands to my own bare skin onto my breasts. And I had to breathe

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to get them to relax.

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whoa

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But I couldn't do it. Like I couldn't access the muscles in my chest

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to stop the tension.

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And again, this is months after I started my trauma therapy program, and I knew at that point that I couldn't feel my body.

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But now, months later, I'm starting to understand. Oh, I don't

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I don't even have control of my own body.

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So when did that change?

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So the real shift happened a few months later. Because at this point, I'm realizing. Wow. I've never even touched my own honkers by myself. And I didn't even realize it. But a few months later, I was massaging them because they were hurting again. And I passed by a mirror and I froze because as my hands are on my boobs, I turned to the mirror

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and it was like I couldn't release my hands to look at my boobs.

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And again, glass shattering. I'm like, oh my gosh, these milk muscles have been on my body for over 30 years and I've

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never even looked at them in a mirror.

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there is no way.

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I never even looked at me naked. I avoided mirrors like the plague, and I'm realizing I've never even seen my own boobs on my own chest.

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not even coming out of the shower.

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Nope. I literally I put on a robe as soon as I get out of the shower, and I'm never looking at myself completely naked, because then when I go in my room, I change my clothes, and the only ever times I'm looking at my body or like critiquing my body, it's when I'm in a brand underwear.

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and I'm literally standing there telling my brain it's okay to release my hands and just look at them like my brain was blocking me from even seeing them. And as soon as I look at them,

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felt like an exorcism. You guys. It was like this crazy transformation where it's like, oh, oh, I could put my chest up.

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Like, there was so much shame in my posture that by just looking at them, I could lift my chest up and all of a sudden I could take this deep breath

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that I had never been able to do before.

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And I'm looking at my boobs. I'm looking at my body, my posture, immediately changes and I'm like, whoa. Like

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that's that's me.

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That's that's my body. And it was like I was looking at myself

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reborn. I it's so hard to explain, but it's like I'm looking at myself almost like, whoa, this is what I've looked like. No wonder men are so obsessed with me. Because this whole time I'm a hot.

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No, I get that. Like, I get the appeal of boobs. But I'm also just like, wow,

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I didn't realize that I have these on me. You know, I've always had sweater puppies that have given me back pain for years, but I just never connected it to my own body in that. In that way.

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Okay, so first you felt your boobs, but now you're seeing them for the first time.

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Exactly. Because then came the hardest part. So there was one day where instead of just

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looking in the mirror as I'm massaging my boobs, I go to just physically look down, just tilt my head down and see with my own two eyes, my own breasts.

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Okay.

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it was that same thing where it's like I would look down and my brain wouldn't let me remove my hands.

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My brain

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jolted my head back up and was like, warning, illegal move! You are not allowed to look there. And I literally had to relax my own frickin cranium enough to look down with my own eyeballs, to perceive my own

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body.

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It wasn't until

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I looked down that I realized, okay, so I've never this is so crazy, you guys.

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But it's so true. Not only have I never seen my boobs through a mirror, I've never actually looked down and seen them connected to my own

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chest.

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Oh, there is no way.

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That's how much of a blockage it was. But how little? I even realized that that was a case. Again, I cannot emphasize enough that it was just it was just never an option.

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But I didn't know it was an option.

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So I look down and I do the steps that I slowly have been learning. Where

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I try to feel them. I try to take a deep breath and get into my body. I try to understand the emotions behind it. And that's where I learned that there were somatic memories being held in the tension in my muscles, and I had to talk to that part.

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I had to release the emotion, I had to warm the fascia, and in doing so,

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I was able to get that muscle out of tension,

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and then all of a sudden I could

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access the muscle

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Really

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and I could turn it on and off for the first time. And

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in that whole process, I

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reclaimed my boobs. I reclaimed a piece of me.

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Wow. So

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finally you felt like you had boobs.

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Yes,

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For the first time, it was like I had boobs. I wasn't just walking around with

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pain balloons on my chest. They were connected to me, and they held emotions and memories and feelings

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and

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a lot of

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new feelings of womanhood, because it kind of felt like the inner teen girl inside of me was like,

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oh my God, we've been mILF coated this whole time.

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This is crazy.

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So then were you healed? Were you cured? Did you finally get your body back?

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Oh God. No. Because that same process of

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feeling, breathing, touching, looking at them, accessing those muscles

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that was happening all over my body.

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Chaotic? I'm sure. I mean, as all of that trauma is leaving your body, I can only imagine how disorienting that must be. I mean, did you change physically during this time to.

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Yeah. So here's here's where things get interesting. I stopped working out when I went into my trauma treatment program about a year ago, so I have not physically exercised in a year now because I was lazy, but because I was hurting like I had this newfound fibromyalgia. Everything kind of hurt, and all of my doctors really encouraged me to focus on getting access to the muscles again, because we can't strengthen muscles that we can't even reach.

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So I went cold turkey, are not exercising, and my body changed more in the past year from just healing mentally

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than anything physically. Exercise has ever done with my body

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really.

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Yes,

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again. I ran a half marathon last year. I was going to the gym every day doing high intensity interval workouts.

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My body changed the most by fixing my brain.

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Okay, but how?

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So at the time, I didn't know what was actually happening, but my posture started improving right away. Kind of like what I describe. Just looking at the mirror and looking at my boobs. It's like I was holding my body differently, but I also was accessing muscles that I was able to hold myself differently, and it was like my spine was going from a question mark to an exclamation point real quick.

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And it's like, I literally I stopped looking like a guilty raccoon all the time, like scared and fearful. And I started walking like a woman who had no boundaries. Like, I'm not even joking. I was literally getting

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taller because my posture was changing. I was getting taller like a teenage boy.

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Yeah.

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And

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as a result of feeling taller, though, and holding myself differently, I also started feeling like I was almost getting too big

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for my own body, like I was.

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I don't know how to describe it.

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Yeah. I mean, it kind of sounds like you were outgrowing your shell, if you will.

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my God, yes, exactly. Like I was a snake in need of shedding its skin like I was a crab outgrowing its shell and it wasn't just my posture, a big area where I felt it was actually also

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my hips because my hips started rounding out for

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the first time in my life, because I was one of those people that I thought I had hip dips.

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But turns out I just had trauma dents because all of that shape of my body

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was where I stored trauma.

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And once I released the trauma stored there,

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my body started to change shape and again, it wasn't from losing fat, it wasn't from the fitness,

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but it was from gaining the freedom

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from

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my past.

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Wow. That is

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very profound and very beautiful. I mean, you've got boobs now. You've got hips now. It really sounds like you're just becoming a woman.

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Oh my lanta! Speaking of becoming a woman, I got it. Okay, so I got to tell you about,

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I got to tell you about the first period

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that I got since I started going to my trauma treatment program, because it was a doozy. And by doozy, I mean it was hell on earth.

00;19;56;05 - 00;19;57;25

No. Wait. Why?

00;19;57;25 - 00;19;58;07

you guys.

00;19;58;07 - 00;20;22;26

It was literally like my my uterus finally found the group chat after 30 years. And she had some things to say. Because I didn't need a heating pad for this period. I basically needed a priest for an exorcism. Okay, so I like I said, I thought I was immune to cramps and boob pain and back pain, and I kind of just attributed to the fact that I had been on birth control, like most of my life.

00;20;22;26 - 00;20;41;19

You know, I've been on the pill since I was 13 years old, and I just thought like, oh, that cured all of the symptoms that I had. And so when I started feeling my boob pain and when I started having cramps, I realized, oh, it wasn't the pill that was doing all that. It's that those zones were completely frozen from trauma.

00;20;41;19 - 00;20;51;27

And so when I started to thaw them, I was like, oh, oh shit, this is what you guys are complaining about with your period.

00;20;51;29 - 00;20;52;14

Yep.

00;20;52;20 - 00;21;11;29

That first period was so painful. You guys, the cramps were so bad. I almost went to urgent care. I literally almost went to the hospital. And I truly had those fleeting thoughts of like, oh my God, could I be on? I didn't know I was pregnant and am I having a miscarriage right now?

00;21;11;29 - 00;21;19;00

That was a thought that I literally had, even though I would know that that's immaculate conception because I've been celibate for years.

00;21;19;03 - 00;21;22;06

I don't know, Jane the Virgin is a real thing, but I literally

00;21;22;06 - 00;21;37;26

it was so painful and I was like, dang, the fascia was so frozen over for years that as soon as I could melt it and my skin could grab onto those muscles. It was so angry at me that I caught up on 30 years of periods that I missed out on.

00;21;37;29 - 00;21;41;14

I mean, doesn't healing also affect your emotions a ton?

00;21;41;22 - 00;21;50;16

Yes, because I was suddenly having feelings not just physically, but emotionally, that I had never experienced. And I didn't know why.

00;21;50;16 - 00;21;51;04

way.

00;21;51;04 - 00;21;51;28

Yes,

00;21;51;28 - 00;21;55;09

every single minor inconvenience, felt

00;21;55;09 - 00;22;07;01

just like a personal attack from God. It was like I was ready to throw hands at my barista, because they had the audacity to ask me to tip on a $7 latte that I'm already paying for.

00;22;07;04 - 00;22;17;13

I was getting so angry at everything, and anger was a new emotion for me. Because if anybody knows me personally, you know I am the Optimus. I am forever positive

00;22;17;24 - 00;22;24;22

and I see the brighter side of things. And I don't like to be angry and I don't like to hold grudges. That was very much inherent to my personality

00;22;24;22 - 00;22;30;14

and now all of the sudden, I am feeling things I've never felt before.

00;22;30;14 - 00;22;33;11

God. So you were feeling rage for the first time.

00;22;33;11 - 00;22;37;24

Oh, it wasn't just rage. Because that that absolutely was was occurring.

00;22;37;24 - 00;22;38;09

It was

00;22;38;09 - 00;22;39;19

everything.

00;22;40;07 - 00;22;49;17

Because for years I only felt extremes of emotions. It's kind of why I was misdiagnosed as having bipolar because I would only feel

00;22;49;17 - 00;22;56;13

mania or despair. I would only feel super, super happy or super, super low. And I never felt

00;22;56;13 - 00;23;07;19

the in-between, like I never felt the spectrum of emotions. But now I was moody, I was irritable, I was sensitive, and I was feeling emotions that I couldn't describe.

00;23;07;19 - 00;23;19;07

But again, I remember in therapy they give you this feelings. We all where it kind of starts off as like, are you mad? And then it goes deeper and deeper of like disgruntled, irritated and I had to use that

00;23;19;07 - 00;23;26;26

stupid, silly feelings wheel more than I can describe because I was like, actually, I don't know what I'm feeling, but you know what?

00;23;27;02 - 00;23;46;11

Now that you mention it, I am a little irritable and not just mad. And so I had to learn new terms for what I was feeling, but then I had to understand that I think I am just feeling more emotions than normal, because I started crying over sad commercials more often. But then I'd I'd snap at text messages that I didn't appreciate,

00;23;46;23 - 00;23;47;08

Yep.

00;23;47;08 - 00;23;50;09

and I felt everything back to back.

00;23;50;09 - 00;23;54;24

And I'm like, I get why they misdiagnosed me as having bipolar, because it was

00;23;54;24 - 00;23;59;08

this emotional whiplash. It was going from super happy to super sad all at once,

00;23;59;08 - 00;24;16;08

I just started feeling the gamut of emotions and, I actually one of the emotions that I started to feel that was extra new was I started to get horny, which was a problem.

00;24;16;08 - 00;24;19;24

Wait. Hold on. You got horny, and that freaked you out.

00;24;19;24 - 00;24;30;27

Yes. So first of all, that was never an emotion that I ever felt before. I never I started to understand that. I never really felt sexual attraction before or sexual desire.

00;24;30;27 - 00;24;32;01

Okay.

00;24;32;01 - 00;24;33;22

And I think it's because

00;24;33;22 - 00;24;49;02

before going on my healing journey, I was the kind of person where I needed to feel safe, connected, emotionally secure, and I guess, like personally connected to somebody before I even considered them attractive.

00;24;49;02 - 00;24;50;16

Like, I was that person where I'd be like,

00;24;50;16 - 00;25;10;15

yeah, they're cute, but can they make me laugh? And do they make sure that they're not gonna hurt me? And now I would be in the grocery store and I'd see I'd see a man going and grabbing some protein powder, and I'd be like, oh my God, do I want that guy to ruin my life just to be inside of me?

00;25;10;17 - 00;25;35;06

Kinda. And that was it was this new primal feeling. And it was disorienting because I didn't know how to manage it, because it's those conflicting feelings of, oh my God, like, I want to bed to that person, but they're not safe. But it's okay. I can just look at them. Danger, danger. Like it was like someone had turned on this switch that I didn't even know I had.

00;25;35;11 - 00;25;47;10

But then I had all these other parts going and trying to flip off the switch as soon as I could. And again, it was this emotional whiplash of happy, sad, horny. And I just I didn't know what was going on.

00;25;47;10 - 00;25;54;10

your body for the first time. You're accessing emotions you've never felt before. What did you even say to your trauma therapist?

00;25;54;12 - 00;26;13;20

So I sat down in therapy and I'm venting to my therapist like a teenage girl on day two of her cycle. And I'm like, please, you got to help me. My boobs are hurting. My cramps are killing me. I feel like I'm growing out of my own skeleton and my body hurts. But I also hate everyone and I want to make out with everybody.

00;26;13;22 - 00;26;36;09

But I'm my body's changing and it hurts. And my hips are growing. And I know I'm here in therapy to continue on repressing my trauma and to unravel this OCD diagnosis and all of these quote unquote, multiple personalities that I'm learning that I have. And I know I'm here to heal all the brain side of things, but please help me, because my body,

00;26;36;09 - 00;26;41;15

my body is just freezing out and I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do.

00;26;41;17 - 00;27;04;13

And my therapist, she takes a deep breath and she says, Jesse, do you know what you're describing and what you're going through? And I said, no, what is it? And she says, Jesse, I think you're going through a second puberty. And I said, oh, my fucking cat. That explains everything.

00;27;04;13 - 00;27;15;12

Wow. Okay, so we are definitely going to be diving way more into that into act two. But let's give our nervous system a little break and play a fun game in our pop light

00;27;15;24 - 00;27;17;14

Ooh. My favorite part.

00;27;17;14 - 00;27;25;15

We're going to bring the curtain down for a brief intermission. And when we come back, Jessi, the spotlight is all yours in our game of pop light.

00;27;28;16 - 00;27;40;29

All right, curtain's back up. It is time for our pop light segment, our mid-show breather, where I dive into some pop culture before diving back into some of the emotional trenches of this episode.

00;27;40;29 - 00;27;52;10

Today's segment is called Pop Culture Puberty, because if I'm going to be going through a second puberty, you know I'm going to be dragging pop culture and celebrities into it.

00;27;52;10 - 00;28;05;12

Here's how it works. Jacy, I'll be asking you a few classic coming of age questions, but you'll be answering them twice. One for how middle school you would have answered back during your first puberty.

00;28;05;14 - 00;28;12;24

You know, the person who was tragically misguided and overly lip gloss and deeply obsessed with whatever Disney Channel was

00;28;14;23 - 00;28;16;01

I love it.

00;28;16;01 - 00;28;26;00

then the second puberty version of you will give your answer the you that is freshly unfrozen, slightly unhinged, and experiencing hormones like they're a

00;28;27;29 - 00;28;37;04

honestly, nothing will humble you faster than realizing your current celebrity crush is somehow more chaotic than the one that you had when you were 13 years old and.

00;28;37;04 - 00;28;39;22

All right, Jacy are you ready to play our pop culture

00;28;39;22 - 00;28;42;13

Yes, I am so ready.

00;28;42;13 - 00;28;49;27

right, let's dive right in. Jacy, during your first puberty, who was your first celebrity crush?

00;28;50;04 - 00;29;03;26

Okay, stay with me. Because this one's kind of niche. But I think you guys will know who I'm talking about. So when I was about 12 years old, I was up late one night. And do you remember how they used to play infomercial shills for CDs? Like, I remember that iconic one with Celine Dion?

00;29;03;26 - 00;29;04;16

Yep.

00;29;04;16 - 00;29;18;13

Well, there was this infomercial for this Irish band called Celtic Thunder and it's like this group of men butt out on stage runs this, I don't know, 12 year old boy with bright blue eyes

00;29;18;13 - 00;29;23;07

and the deepest bass voice I've ever heard come out of a young boy

00;29;23;09 - 00;29;29;03

And they called him Puppy Love.

00;29;29;03 - 00;29;34;14

Oh, I guess they'll never know.

00;29;34;14 - 00;29;36;02

and, my jaw

00;29;36;02 - 00;30;08;21

dropped. I felt my lady bits tingle for the first time, and I said, who is that boy? I am absolutely in love with him. His name was Damian McGinty, and I would stay up late to watch that half hour long infomercial for this Celtic Thunder band. My mom bought me their CD, she bought me their DVDs, and Damian McGinty actually went on to not only participate in the Glee Project, but he won and was on the show Glee as Rory,

00;30;08;21 - 00;30;10;00

that little Irish boy.

00;30;10;04 - 00;30;11;04

No way.

00;30;11;07 - 00;30;15;08

Yes, he was my first crush that I can remember

00;30;15;08 - 00;30;29;15

genuinely having a parasocial relationship with and being like, oh, so I'm going to marry that boy someday. Got it? Got it. Pretty sure he's married now with a kid. But definitely a niche celebrity crush. But the first time I was like, oh, I'm in love.

00;30;29;27 - 00;30;47;27

She forgot to mention that we actually auditioned for show choir with the song Puppy Love, inspired by Damien. And of course, we made the squad. So, Damien, if you're out there, I hope you're happy with your wife and child, but moving along for your second puberty, who is your current celebrity crush?

00;30;47;27 - 00;30;51;27

So for my second puberty crush, it changes every month.

00;30;51;27 - 00;31;11;03

My go to like staple celebrity Crush, I always say, is Dylan O'Brien. He's just the perfect archetype of handsome and silly and gregarious. But right now, my current celebrity crush is Gianmarco Soresi. He, he is a comedian. Think of him as like a Ben Schwartz type. Right now.

00;31;11;04 - 00;31;30;09

My type is I like my men funny, but I also like them a little zesty. I like when people have to question if they're straight or not. But then you're having such a good time with them that it doesn't even matter. And Gianmarco is exactly that. Look him up. He is wonderful. But right now he is my celebrity crush.

00;31;30;09 - 00;31;34;17

Yes, I suppose we do like our men a little fruity these days,

00;31;34;17 - 00;31;53;00

but before the next question, to everybody watching at home. Feel free to play along in the comments and let me know some of your answers for your pop culture puberty. I want to know your answer from when you were a middle schooler and what your current answer is now, because it's kind of funny to look to see how our tastes and preferences change over time.

00;31;53;04 - 00;31;56;02

So let me know in the comments down below.

00;31;56;02 - 00;32;02;15

right, Jacy, during your first puberty, what song made you feel like a baddie?

00;32;02;15 - 00;32;20;07

Oh, my cats. I remember high school homecoming being sweaty in the gym, doing those weird grind trains to the song. Get back in Here by DJ Feliz. Fell. Nothing made me want to put my hands on my knees all the way down to the floor. And twerk on some random boy.

00;32;20;09 - 00;32;22;22

More than that. So song.

00;32;22;22 - 00;32;28;04

And now, during your second puberty, what song currently makes you feel like a baddie?

00;32;28;09 - 00;32;52;18

Right now my go to song. When I need to. Just feel like that girl. Like that bitch. It has to be alter ego by Dolce. That is. That's going to be like my number one song on Spotify Rap this year, because that is my hype up song that played in the bars recently. And I'm pretty sure I was peaking in life because I had never felt so much happiness and baddie deaths.

00;32;52;18 - 00;32;54;08

So anything by Dolce.

00;32;54;08 - 00;32;59;18

I asked dokey, she has haters, she has stans, she has fans in the stands. We love her.

00;32;59;18 - 00;33;04;13

All right. Jacy, during your first puberty, who was your style icon

00;33;04;13 - 00;33;27;11

you. That is who we are wearing on our shirt. So I have raven salmon, from that. So Raven and you have Lizzie McGuire. Two of my style icons growing up, especially because they weren't afraid to mix and match patterns and go with bold colors and weirdly layered scarf over t shirts and skirts over jeans and crazy belts.

00;33;27;11 - 00;33;43;14

They just went for it, and they were absolutely the pinnacle of fashion growing up. Now. Did actually wear any of that stuff? No, I probably would have been teased for how I would try to put together an outfit through their mindset, but I actually find a lot of my style inspo coming from them in nowadays. So I like to.

00;33;43;14 - 00;33;46;29

I like to have them represented in some of my graphic t shirts at that.

00;33;47;01 - 00;33;56;14

Yes. They really were the queens of layering everything in your closet. But now as you're going through your second puberty, who is your current style icon.

00;33;56;20 - 00;34;28;25

Tracee Ellis Ross, Tracee, my girl, every single look of hers I am obsessed with because she perfectly matches bold colors with like, chic silhouettes and she balances like fun and outgoing personality that's visible in her fashion while also being cool. Plus, I'm a little I'm a little biased because Tracee Ellis Ross is one of those people that, if you ask me who I want to play me in a biopic, age me up and have her play me because I just want to be her and not because she's related to Diana.

00;34;28;25 - 00;34;32;15

I just love her as well. The curly hair, the jokes.

00;34;32;28 - 00;34;38;06

Tracee, girl, you are my style and life icon. And I love you.

00;34;38;06 - 00;34;44;13

Yes. Also Tracey, if you want to send me any pattern beauty curly hair products, I accept,

00;34;44;13 - 00;34;51;23

Ooh, this one's a little spicy. During your first puberty, what was your first experience with bisexual panic?

00;34;51;23 - 00;35;03;10

Okay, I have to. The first one, I was much younger, and it was more so, like confusing feelings. And it was the Little Giants with both Becky, the Ice Box and Junior Floyd.

00;35;03;10 - 00;35;04;25

Okay.

00;35;04;25 - 00;35;10;07

And that's because Junior Floyd was like another one of my first crushes where I'm like, oh my God, I want to marry that boy.

00;35;10;13 - 00;35;26;12

And then with Becky, I couldn't identify if I was like, what are these feelings do? Do I want to be her or do I like her? Especially when she put on like the cheerleading uniform? I very distinctly remember as a kid being like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how I feel about that. How do I feel about that?

00;35;26;14 - 00;35;39;28

And then in high school, that feeling that I felt, I was like, oh, that was by panic. And I felt it with Bring It On because I love Jesse Bradford. Oh my God. The song Just What I need is still on my Spotify playlist.

00;35;39;28 - 00;35;47;05

Oh, my God, that was such a banger. You're just what I need. Not everything works. And then you guys know the one banger.

00;35;47;05 - 00;35;47;29

Yes,

00;35;47;29 - 00;35;58;24

but then Elijah Dushku, when she comes in and flips off and rubs off that tattoo of her arm, I was like, oh, oh, I'm gay.

00;35;58;27 - 00;36;06;25

Oh, that's what that feels like. Oh, but then there's another boy in this movie that I'm also attracted to. Okay, this is by panic. I think I finally understand what that means.

00;36;06;25 - 00;36;12;20

And now, during your second puberty, what was your most recent experience with By Panic?

00;36;12;22 - 00;36;33;22

Oh, God. Whatever. Whatever's going on with frickin Zoe Kravitz and Harry styles, how do I become a third in that throuple right now? But movie speaking, I will say, an easy one is challengers. But that's not even by panic. That is, by comfort, because that movie was made for the bisexual like me, and it was one of those movies that I'm just like, yeah,

00;36;33;22 - 00;36;38;24

they need to make more movies like this because this is hot, hot.

00;36;38;24 - 00;36;44;23

but Jay-Z, during your first puberty, what was your go to beauty product?

00;36;46;11 - 00;37;07;10

Okay, so I didn't start wearing makeup well into my 20s. So during puberty, I thought the peak of beauty products was baby lips. For one. I remember I only had one two because it was kind of expensive. Before that I was doing just Lip Smackers, but baby lips, I thought, wow, all of the boys in middle school are going to fall in love with these luscious lips.

00;37;07;10 - 00;37;08;13

Absolutely.

00;37;08;19 - 00;37;27;15

And that I also had. Do you guys remember that? Like glitter spray? It was like glitter perfume body spray. And I was like, oh my God, I'm going to be shimmering like a disco ball. How are these boys going to resist me despite my acne and braces? And I don't know how to deal with my curly hair, but the shimmer, spray and baby lips that'll do it.

00;37;27;15 - 00;37;35;20

Looking like Edward from Twilight with that body spray. But now, during your second puberty, what is your current go to beauty product?

00;37;35;23 - 00;37;40;29

Oh, I really am going through a second puberty because maturing is realizing, so boring. But

00;37;40;29 - 00;37;55;11

the most important beauty step is your sunscreen. You guys, I used to be a tan goddess. Nobody ever questioned me if I was half black because I was just always golden. And then I realized, oh, like, my family is all getting skin cancer, so I should wear sunscreen.

00;37;55;17 - 00;38;01;24

And now that I do, I'm like, oh, all of my melanin is gone. It's been quite depressing. But also

00;38;01;24 - 00;38;13;24

it's been very therapeutic realizing, oh, I am protecting my skin and that is my go to beauty product during my second puberty. It's so boring. But really it has made all the difference. So where are your sunscreen, ladies and gentlemen?

00;38;13;24 - 00;38;19;16

Wear your SPF. Even indoors. I'm still working on that part, but, it's worth it in the long run.

00;38;19;16 - 00;38;33;18

Yeah. Got to protect that skin. That half white side of us might come back to bite us in the butt. So protect your skin, everybody. But during your first puberty, Jacy, what pop culture moment made you self-conscious about your body?

00;38;33;29 - 00;38;56;00

Oh my gosh, I so I grew up in the era of the skinny, like, you know, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, low rise jeans, tiny, tiny, flat stomachs. That never bothered me as much. I remember what so got ingrained in my head was thigh gaps. I remember I had a Pinterest and I had a board called Thin Inspiration. How sad.

00;38;56;07 - 00;39;15;17

And it was all about the thigh gap and everybody was taking photos literally of their pelvic area being like, look, my legs don't touch. And I would. I internalize that so much. And I look back on that part with so much sadness and so much grief because it's like, oh, well, first of all, I couldn't have gotten a thigh gap just based on my own biology.

00;39;15;19 - 00;39;30;24

But how sad that that's what I was idealizing going through puberty, because it just it was so unhealthy and that was just such a dark time for body image. For a lot of girls out there that, I have I have so much sympathy for that part that had to go through that.

00;39;30;24 - 00;39;43;00

I know, so sad that thin aspiration was ever a term that we used quite often. But now, during your second puberty, what is a current pop culture trend that makes you self-conscious about your body?

00;39;43;04 - 00;39;50;05

Oh, I'm not self-conscious about it. But I'll tell you what the internet tries to make me self-conscious about. It's my thin upper lip.

00;39;50;25 - 00;40;03;29

I am living in a time where lip fillers are the norm, where you're seeing natural before and afters, but then you're also seeing the super exaggerated, overdone, pouty fish lips. And because I tell people I'm half black, I get every single video.

00;40;03;29 - 00;40;15;07

I get comments going like, you must have gotten your upper lip from my mom. And it's like, yeah, I did. And I lick my mom's upper lip. I like the way my smile looks with my small upper lip, so you can't bully me into getting lip fillers.

00;40;15;27 - 00;40;23;01

But I will admit that every now and then I'll look at a photo myself being like, you know, well, she's a little bit of all.

00;40;23;01 - 00;40;30;14

You might look good, but no, no, resist. Resist the peer pressure because I like the way I look now. But that's definitely one of those

00;40;30;14 - 00;40;33;16

current trends that I think we might look back on,

00;40;33;16 - 00;40;51;12

similar to thigh gaps, and go, it just embrace your natural body, you know? And I think that's the interesting thing about going through a second puberty is I have a different mindset and a lot more grace for myself and a lot more security and confidence in who I am and the fact that I am going through so many body changes.

00;40;51;12 - 00;40;57;18

I'm becoming so much more secure becoming a woman in the second puberty.

00;40;57;20 - 00;41;00;28

Well, goddamn right. I think our small upper lip

00;41;03;11 - 00;41;13;13

Because honestly, I sometimes I feel like I have a lisp and I feel like if I got lip filler, I would just be more self-conscious about that. So I'm fine with my lips for now. And everybody, you're all beautiful the way that you are.

00;41;13;13 - 00;41;19;12

If you want to change the way that you are, do it with good intentions and because you love yourself.

00;41;19;12 - 00;41;23;17

But that is going to be it for our game of pop light. Thanks for playing as usual,

00;41;24;06 - 00;41;26;17

Yes. Thank you so much. I always love this one.

00;41;26;17 - 00;41;34;20

but now let's dive back into act two and talk a little bit more scientifically of what you even mean by having this second puberty.

00;41;35;14 - 00;41;38;25

So, Jake, you are going through this second puberty.

00;41;38;25 - 00;41;40;20

How is that even possible?

00;41;40;20 - 00;41;41;13

Yeah. So

00;41;41;13 - 00;41;53;20

I'm basically learning that I've never really had a body. Or at least it's never been mine to feel. Because due to the incident that happened in my childhood, my body shut down, my nervous system shut down,

00;41;53;20 - 00;42;05;17

I dissociated out of my body, I developed depersonalization, I developed all these OCD parts, and I became completely disembodied for just most of my life.

00;42;05;17 - 00;42;06;14

Really

00;42;06;14 - 00;42;07;08

Yes,

00;42;07;08 - 00;42;08;24

And so as I've started to

00;42;08;24 - 00;42;15;21

reconnect with my nervous system and begin to feel the full spectrum of emotions and sensations again,

00;42;15;21 - 00;42;27;28

my body and brain may finally get the chance to do what it couldn't do back then, which is to actually develop, to feel, to emote and

00;42;27;28 - 00;42;31;25

explore desire in a safe way.

00;42;31;25 - 00;42;32;21

whoa

00;42;32;21 - 00;42;51;07

And I'm not just imagining that this is a second puberty. This is a real delayed developmental process that has finally allowed to complete itself, and not in just a mental or metaphorical way, but in a medical and physiological way as well.

00;42;51;20 - 00;43;00;02

Okay. So let's explain some of those. You started finally feeling your body, and all of that started with your boobs. Why? They're.

00;43;00;02 - 00;43;18;25

So I came to realize that my boobs were just such a huge trauma zone for me. It's part of my soul bruise. Which I don't know if I've gone into detail in this podcast, but keep that. Keep that little phrase in your brain. But it was part of my soul bruise that essentially died during the childhood incident,

00;43;19;08 - 00;43;19;28

and

00;43;19;28 - 00;43;23;26

it's where I actually started to realize I was holding my breath.

00;43;23;26 - 00;43;26;25

So during the incident, because I was clenching and holding my breath,

00;43;26;25 - 00;43;31;17

that got stuck. And I've never really been able to breathe my whole life.

00;43;31;26 - 00;43;33;26

And so even just by accessing,

00;43;33;26 - 00;43;42;26

know, my tatas, my hunkers, my fun bags, I could breathe again and I could stand up straight and I could hold myself differently in a way

00;43;42;26 - 00;43;45;10

that I'd never been able to before.

00;43;45;13 - 00;43;47;08

But even after that, I realized

00;43;47;08 - 00;43;51;24

how many feelings were in my boobs because it I realized I was holding shame there,

00;43;51;24 - 00;44;04;18

and it's because my breasts became sexualized before I even knew what sex was. I was a kid, and so for my whole life, I held pain and disgust and fear in them,

00;44;04;18 - 00;44;08;20

and they really just became a no no zone to my brain.

00;44;08;20 - 00;44;11;12

Like, even to myself. My brain was so scared

00;44;11;12 - 00;44;16;03

of letting any kind of trauma happen to them ever again that it just, like,

00;44;16;03 - 00;44;22;07

it, blocked the zone of my body, even from myself. And so my boobs weren't just sore,

00;44;22;07 - 00;44;28;05

they were carrying three decades of emotional rejection

00;44;28;05 - 00;44;29;17

from me. And

00;44;29;17 - 00;44;30;13

whoa

00;44;30;13 - 00;44;32;07

that's and that's sad.

00;44;32;07 - 00;44;39;23

And you know, when they started hurting, it's because my body was finally safe enough to talk to me. And in somatic therapy, which I've been doing a lot of lately,

00;44;39;23 - 00;44;48;03

we learned that pain is actually communication. And it's something that I've been avoiding because pain hurts and I don't want to feel it, but it's really my body talking to me.

00;44;48;03 - 00;44;50;12

So when I finally asked my boobs,

00;44;50;12 - 00;44;53;12

why do you hurt? And because I heard

00;44;53;12 - 00;44;57;08

because you hate me. That wasn't just a metaphor. That was

00;44;57;08 - 00;44;58;13

a memory

00;44;58;28 - 00;45;05;27

being held in the fascia and the tissue and the fibers of my body. That was shame and fear

00;45;05;27 - 00;45;11;07

being stored in the very essence of myself.

00;45;11;07 - 00;45;18;29

Wow. So your brain blocked you from not just looking at your own body, but touching it, too. Why is that the case?

00;45;18;29 - 00;45;26;06

So I wasn't even doing that intentionally. I guess, again, I didn't realize I wasn't doing it. Like I look at myself in the mirror when I'm doing my makeup,

00;45;26;06 - 00;45;40;08

but I'm not even looking when I'm washing my face or brushing my teeth. I have a dissociation disorder, so most of the time I'm just so zoned out that I don't even realize it, but that I learned over time that that's because of depersonalization, which is something I've been unraveling.

00;45;40;08 - 00;45;46;27

It is a classic trauma symptom where my brain, specifically in this case, learned to avoid

00;45;46;27 - 00;45;52;11

visual recognition of myself because it couldn't handle what it might see.

00;45;52;11 - 00;45;52;23

Yeah.

00;45;52;23 - 00;45;56;07

So a great example I love to give is, you know, movies.

00;45;56;07 - 00;46;02;15

They don't I don't think they do a great job of representing my disorder or did, which is dissociative identity disorder.

00;46;02;21 - 00;46;19;18

That's more of the classic, you know, split personalities where it's like, oh, I have a British man and a southern lady and a little girl all inside of me, and they switch in and out like these characters. I've never had that experience, but there was one movie that they did something and I was like, oh, I do that and spoilers.

00;46;19;18 - 00;46;45;05

But it's the movie called Marrow Bone. And in this movie, basically that this guy lives in a haunted house and he has to cover up all of the mirrors because, like, the ghost of his dad haunts this place. Long story short, you find out that he has died and he switches between these personalities because it was a coping mechanism, and he's covering his mirrors because when he would look in the mirror, he couldn't recognize himself because he'd be switched out of characters.

00;46;45;05 - 00;47;09;04

You know, in his brain he is confronting as a child. But he looks in the mirror and he sees a grown man, and it would freak him out and he would think it was this ghost haunting him. And when I saw that, I was like, oh, I do that because I don't look in the mirror. Because once I started seeing myself in mirrors, I started noticing my posture, and I started noticing that I was this hunched over, shameful, guilty child.

00;47;09;04 - 00;47;20;08

And it was alarming. And I would have to snap myself out of it and I'd be like, whoa! And I would like, be like, whoa, stand up straight, like, whoa, why are we cowering and tiptoeing around my own apartment? And so again, it's like my brain blocked

00;47;20;08 - 00;47;31;10

that off from allowing me to have that experience. And most of my life, I realized I avoided my own reflection as a way to stay dissociated, completely subconsciously.

00;47;31;24 - 00;47;37;19

And so you don't have to face your own body or your story, your pain, or your trauma.

00;47;37;19 - 00;47;39;09

You know, if you just never look

00;47;39;09 - 00;47;39;28

Yeah.

00;47;39;28 - 00;47;40;27

so

00;47;40;27 - 00;47;46;03

looking in a mirror and truly seeing myself for the first time wasn't just uncomfortable,

00;47;46;03 - 00;47;52;25

it was alarming to my nervous system. And then there was the whole idea of looking down and seeing my actual boobs.

00;47;52;25 - 00;48;02;22

it was so crazy because it took months and months to get to the point that my nervous system and my brain said, okay, you're finally ready to see yourself for who you are.

00;48;02;22 - 00;48;03;26

Absolutely.

00;48;03;26 - 00;48;04;19

Yeah. So

00;48;04;19 - 00;48;19;21

I learned that I had fibromyalgia. I talk about it a lot on my social media platforms, but it is important to note because it will come up a lot during this podcast series. But basically what was happening in my entire body was this

00;48;19;24 - 00;48;22;05

After the incident happened in my childhood,

00;48;22;05 - 00;48;29;24

my muscles started chronically guarding themselves for forever, basically just on alert that somebody will hurt us again.

00;48;29;27 - 00;48;52;24

Then my fascia, which is the connective tissue that basically connects your skin to your muscles, that holds a lot of emotions. It holds a lot of that access to your muscles. It started freezing over. So the muscles underneath got stuck in that bracing position. The fascia completely froze over. And my skin, it's like my skin never connected to my muscles.

00;48;52;29 - 00;49;15;17

So as I've been going on this healing journey and defrosting and thawing out my nervous system, the fascia is kind of warming up, and I'm starting to get access to those muscles underneath and being able to turn them off. But the problem is that when you warm fascia up over here and turn off a muscle, you can now feel it over here where it still really stuck because I went too deep over here.

00;49;15;17 - 00;49;25;24

And this part needs attention. So it's been an ongoing month to year long process of pain and feeling my body and

00;49;25;24 - 00;49;39;27

trying to get out of this chronic tension, but I'm also accessing muscles and feeling sensations that I've never felt before. So that's also contributing to the discomfort and to just all of these new feelings going on in my body.

00;49;39;27 - 00;49;45;16

So that's kind of like what my fibromyalgia presents as and why I'm in chronic pain every single day.

00;49;46;12 - 00;49;52;21

So what was happening in my boobs was happening in every single square inch of my body, because also there,

00;49;52;21 - 00;50;00;05

I'm not really looking at my body in the same way. I'm not touching my body. I was never even allowed to look down at my body with my own eyes.

00;50;00;08 - 00;50;06;13

And it's been this incredible healing journey, but also so many physical things changing.

00;50;06;13 - 00;50;11;13

And that's all because I started healing mentally.

00;50;11;13 - 00;50;14;15

all of this was from your body unfreezing.

00;50;14;15 - 00;50;29;15

Yes. Because all of that fascia melting that's actually physiologically trauma leaving my body and very loudly, I might add, I might add, because honestly, it was just it was it was pure chaos.

00;50;29;21 - 00;50;41;05

Oh, wow. That is incredible. I mean, all of the new body sensations that you must be feeling. And you also mentioned that healing your trauma has made you taller. How is that even possible?

00;50;41;13 - 00;50;53;09

Yeah. That's true because my posture was collapsed from trauma and that healing literally added inches back to my height. I just went to the doctor, and I am an inch and a half taller.

00;50;53;09 - 00;50;54;09

No way.

00;50;54;09 - 00;50;55;03

Yes,

00;50;55;03 - 00;51;00;20

And it's because I've been releasing the fascia that was compressing on my spine.

00;51;00;20 - 00;51;07;07

And I've been regulating my nervous system, and basically my spine has become more in a line.

00;51;07;07 - 00;51;32;10

I'm getting access to muscles where I'm able to hold myself up better. And like I mentioned, because I had so much shame stored in my chest area and just kind of releasing that, I'm able to hold myself up higher. I am able to literally grow and become taller because I am releasing those hypervigilant, bracing patterns. That's not only common in trauma, but something I was doing for most of my life.

00;51;32;10 - 00;51;36;08

Wow. So it really is a second puberty. I mean, you've got growing pains.

00;51;36;11 - 00;51;44;22

Literally, they are growing pains because I am genuinely building new neural pathways from my brain to my body

00;51;45;05 - 00;51;47;09

and that physically hurts.

00;51;47;09 - 00;51;51;10

And did reconnecting with your hips also contribute to this second puberty?

00;51;51;10 - 00;52;12;04

yeah. So same thing. The hips are one of the most trauma dense areas, especially around the pelvic floor. And you guys, as I've been releasing tension from my core, my inner thighs, my pelvic floor and my hips, my hips are literally changing shape and rounding out because they're no longer bracing for dear life. They can relax.

00;52;12;04 - 00;52;34;25

And instead of contracting, they can actually expand. And I'm like, oh my God, I have, I have hips, I'm getting hips now for the first time, and I'm starting to feel muscles and sensations I've never felt before. And in that area specifically, a lot of those sensations are sexually because in episode one I mentioned, I have been, you know, feeling my sacrum for the first time.

00;52;34;25 - 00;52;40;10

I'm in pelvic floor therapy, and I'm starting to feel things in there for the first time.

00;52;40;19 - 00;52;53;15

I am shocked at how actually connected that area is to my hips, because it's like I'll release something in my hips and then I'll feel my lady bits tingling and I'll be like, whoa, those are those are all part of the same family.

00;52;53;15 - 00;52;58;09

Those are all connected. I had no idea. And it's not just

00;52;58;09 - 00;53;12;17

that I'm feeling pleasure now, but also like desire because my hips are connected to my pelvic floor. But my pelvic floor is connected to my brain. And all these feelings of intrigue and curiosity of sexual nature, but also

00;53;12;17 - 00;53;19;09

confidence, because this reawakening hasn't just been emotional or physiological or psychological,

00;53;19;09 - 00;53;21;22

it's been mental and it's been

00;53;21;22 - 00;53;24;02

weirdly erotic in a way.

00;53;24;06 - 00;53;37;18

Isn't erotic because you are becoming a woman. And that brings us to your first real period as an adult, at least. Why was that first period since healing your trauma so physically painful?

00;53;37;22 - 00;53;46;15

Girl, my uterus finally RSVP'd, to the trauma healing party, and it showed up without a gift, but with a vengeance.

00;53;46;15 - 00;54;06;15

because I thought I was immune to cramps and no boob pain because of birth control. Nope. It was because of, again, all of that fascia warming up and being able to attach to my stomach. And once those nerves reconnected, it was like my first period was just like, welcome to womanhood, bitch. Here's 15 years of Miss Cramps.

00;54;06;15 - 00;54;08;28

Enjoy.

00;54;08;28 - 00;54;12;14

I mean, emotionally speaking, were you more hormonal?

00;54;12;18 - 00;54;15;05

Yep. So I was starting to feel everything again

00;54;15;05 - 00;54;39;15

because my hormones were literally recalibrating. So when your body is stuck in this functional freeze for decades, your cortisol levels are often suppressed, not quite balanced, but just suppressed. And so your your stress response is stuck in like this, like a muffled panic room, almost. So coming out of freeze meant that the cortisol started moving again, like it wasn't.

00;54;39;18 - 00;54;47;03

It just it had places to go. And so with all that came the repressed emotional energy that I hadn't felt in years.

00;54;47;03 - 00;54;47;22

Wow

00;54;47;22 - 00;55;17;13

And so before, when I'd only feel either super sad or super happy, I'm starting to feel all the in-between because my emotions are getting regulated, my hormones are coming out of the suppression and trying to find out where they belong. And my therapist calls it emotional reregulation. I call it emotional whiplash because let's be real, my body was finally feeling safe enough to stop bracing, but my brain was just like, why the frick frack am I crying over a commercial?

00;55;17;13 - 00;55;22;18

But then wanting to punch the wall because I dropped my salad like it's insane.

00;55;22;18 - 00;55;33;10

It's again, my limbic system coming back online and that part of my brain saying, hey, it's okay to feel again and exist again,

00;55;33;10 - 00;55;34;06

but also again.

00;55;34;06 - 00;55;36;20

Here's 15 years of feelings all at once.

00;55;36;20 - 00;55;39;26

Yeah. And do you think that these newfound hormones

00;55;39;26 - 00;55;43;06

are why you got a libido for the first time?

00;55;43;14 - 00;55;49;13

Yes. And so those I know that those are probably also related to like all these hormone balances going on again.

00;55;49;13 - 00;55;50;12

But I think

00;55;50;12 - 00;55;59;29

a lot of that actually comes from the healing that I've been doing because my body no longer associates desire with being dangerous.

00;56;00;26 - 00;56;10;26

So when you're as chronically dissociated as I've been, your brain often links arousal to danger, because, again, the last time we felt that it was such a threat, like we basically died.

00;56;10;26 - 00;56;21;29

And for trauma survivors, sexual feelings can feel unsafe. Not because we don't want sex, but because my nervous system just straight up equates the past harm

00;56;21;29 - 00;56;27;22

with the performance and just getting through it and not being something that we could enjoy. So coming out of this freeze,

00;56;27;22 - 00;56;34;15

my cortisol levels began to normalize, which allowed the sex hormones to kind of start to rebalance.

00;56;34;15 - 00;57;00;11

Those are things like estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. And testosterone especially plays a role in libido. And assertiveness. Hello. Look at we'll get men on the grand scale of the world. And so when those hormones got unstuck, so did my desire. And so I started seeing people and thinking, okay, maybe you are toxic, but my pelvis is curious.

00;57;00;20 - 00;57;26;28

So for me and my system, desire needs safety. Safety needs my nervous system to be regulated and regulated means I need to have a body and get embodied. So when I was finally in my body, my nervous system regulated and I'm safe within my own brain, suddenly I'm attracted to people viscerally, without permission, without filtering it through that system of are they safe?

00;57;26;29 - 00;57;29;02

Are they kind? And it's been

00;57;29;02 - 00;57;36;01

thrilling. It's been terrifying because, again, these are all new feelings that I've never felt before.

00;57;36;01 - 00;57;47;15

And so in the past, sexual desire has in the past been about trust in another person. And now, for the first time, more than anything, it's all about trust in myself.

00;57;47;15 - 00;57;59;21

Thank you so much, Jake, for explaining all of that, because it really makes sense how physiologically you are going through these changes. And it's amazing how all of this started with your boobs.

00;57;59;24 - 00;58;01;28

Right. It's crazy because.

00;58;01;28 - 00;58;29;06

I would have never thought that my videos or my, my jugs would be the alarm clock to my body healing journey. But it was my elbows that rang first and said, hey, you hate me. You ignore me, you avoid me and we can't do that anymore. And it was because of that experience that I stopped and I listened and I finally felt them, looked down, really looked, and I saw a body that had been waiting to be heard.

00;58;29;09 - 00;58;31;15

And I finally listened.

00;58;31;19 - 00;58;33;16

And what did your body say?

00;58;34;16 - 00;58;39;09

She said, damn, we're kind of hot.

00;58;39;09 - 00;58;46;28

Amen, sister. And I'm sure we're all excited to join you on this new journey into womanhood. So thank you so much for sharing.

00;58;46;28 - 00;58;49;24

Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone.

00;58;49;24 - 00;59;09;28

But that's our final scene on today's performance of The Naked Puppet. If you want to keep the conversation going, come find me on TikTok. I am at Jacy Erin Underscore, and that's where I'm going to be posting clips from this podcast so you guys can sound off in the comments, share your own stories, resonate with others, and keep the conversation going.

00;59;09;28 - 00;59;20;29

Because I feel like if we can all pull back the curtain together, we'll all be stronger for it. So until next time, I'm Jacy. I am backstage and I will be exiting stage left.

00;59;20;29 - 00;59;27;13

And I'm Jake and I thank you guys so so so so much for listening. And I will see you in the next one. Toodles.

00;59;31;28 - 00;59;42;22

The best air.