I Got a New Job [BRAINS]

Season 2 of The Naked Puppet is here… and everything is changing.
I've been gone for a few months, continuing to heal but also starting a new job... one that’s helping me heal in ways I didn’t expect. What started as a simple brand ambassador role turned into something much deeper: real-life exposure therapy for my brain.

If you’re new here, I’ve spent the last few years navigating dissociation, OSDD, and reconnecting with my body after uncovering repressed childhood trauma. Season 1 of this podcast was all about interviewing my different “parts”… but now, things feel different. I feel different. 

Welcome to Season 2 🤍

Transcript

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Hi friends, welcome to season two of The Naked Puppet. And things are gonna be a lot different around here. That's because in season one I was interviewing myself, and that's because for my whole life I always was interviewing myself in my head, but I didn't realize it was because I had these OSD parts. So by bringing that to a visual format through my podcast was so therapeutic and so cathartic, and it really helped me process a lot of my healing journey. However, it started to not feel like it fit me anymore. And that's because you guys, my process for season one would be I would script out all of these really heavy topics, I would film both sides, and then I'd watch it back and cry. I'd watch it back and process what I was even saying. And that was so helpful, but I also realized, oh, that was still coming from a lot of the depersonalization that I had, that I couldn't feel it in a first-person perspective. I've done so much healing now that that process doesn't really work for me anymore. I also realized the season one format was trying to appease all of my parts separately. You know, I had LA JC who wanted to do the pop light segment and bring in some of the entertainment news and pop culture. I had healing JC that wanted to bring this really heavy thesis at the end of every episode to explain all of the things that was happening. And then I started interviewing all of my parts individually so they could tell all their stories separately. But I was so much more fragmented in season one. And that was all very true at the time, but things feel differently now because I've I've done so much healing, you guys, and my parts don't feel like they're fighting to be heard anymore. They're not fighting for the microphone for their stories to be told. It all feels like me. And the voices are quieter, the urge to appease all of my parts has more so shifted into this feeling of like we're on the same team now, and I'm in control, and I'm so much more integrated. And y'all, I am evolving in the truest sense of the word, and so is this podcast. I am still the naked puppet. I am still on this intensive healing journey, brains, body, sex, and intimacy. But the format that I had in season one doesn't fit me anymore. So, hi everyone. I'm Integrated JC, and I'm on this wild journey towards completeness, and I still want to bring you along, but it's just gonna be me for now. So, for season two, I'm just gonna be sharing a one-on-one talk with you guys about everything going on in my life. So I hope you enjoy this next season of The Naked Puppet and this next chapter of My Crazy. Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Naked Puppet! I'm so excited to be back, you guys. I haven't sat down and filmed anything in months because so much has been going on. I can't wait to catch you up. Uh, but if you're new here, or maybe if season one's format wasn't for you, which I totally get, um, welcome and let me give you a brief backstory of what's even going on here. So hi, I'm JC. Uh a few years ago, I was kind of dying. My body was shutting down, my brain, it felt like I was going crazy, and I basically was just letting myself wither away because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. But then um a little voice in my head, actually, JC, something happened to you and it's not your fault. That's where I went into a trauma treatment program where I unrepressed childhood trauma that makes so much more sense for everything about my life. I learned I have OSD, which is a form of quote, multiple personalities as well as having chronic dissociation. I learned I have severe depersonalization, so I see everything from a third-person perspective. I also had a lot of crazy body things. I have fibromyalgia now because essentially my body shut down in childhood, and that's why it felt like I had no access to it anymore. And basically, since all of that, I've been on this really intensive healing journey for the past two years trying to get my life back. And this podcast is telling you all about the brains, the body, the sex, and the intimacy that I've been learning to re-introduce myself to in this new chapter of my life. But the big update I have for you guys and where I've been for the past few months is I got a new job. And this job has been one of the biggest reasons I've been feeling so much more integrated with all of my parts. And not only for all the therapy that I've been doing, but because I didn't just get a new job. I accidentally built the perfect exposure therapy for my brain and all of the ladies that live inside of it. And I'm gonna tell you guys about it. So, my new job is I am what's called a brand ambassador here in LA. And that's so much different than like a brand ambassador for social media, where it's like, oh, I'm a partner with Alani New, and I'm always sharing about the same energy drink. So essentially, this job, it's more of like a subset of modeling slash using your personality. So I'm signed to a few different brand ambassador agencies. And how it works is that, you know, I have my profile on there and there are events that I apply for. And then the clients book me for their events. Sometimes it's for street teams, just handing out flyers. Sometimes it's more promo modeling because I'm pretty and they just want a pretty face to represent their brand. Sometimes it's just really cool events that are happening at the Grove Mall or outside of a football game. And sometimes, you guys, it's literally I get paid to just be put in a room and chit-chat with people and have a personality. It's awesome. And this job is so perfect for me because you guys, I'm literally just getting paid to use my personality. It's kind of like combining all of the hospitality and serving industry experience that I have with a lot of my marketing know-how, but also just being fun. And the best part about this job is I get access to really cool events. Um, for example, I'm going to Coachella next weekend. I'm working Coachella for the next two weekends. My accommodations are paid for. That's also why I have my Coachella hair right now. I'm already prepared for it. I get to go to influencer events and get free stuff. I get paid to go to really cool events and just be me. Um, which is funny because I got into social media for that exact reason. I literally was like, how can I just get paid to be myself? You know, how do I get paid for my personality? Um, but content creation got a little stale. It stopped paying the bills. And this feels like a more real life version of what I've been wanting to do. But from the very first gig that I got as a brand ambassador, I learned so much about myself and so much about my OSD disorder. How redundant. So much about my OSD that I have to tell you guys all about it because it's so insane. So the very first job that I booked as a brand ambassador was for a street team, which I don't love street teams. It's basically you're a glorified flyer hander outer. You know, you stand on the streets and just distribute flyers. And so it was like a six-day gig, and I was so excited because I'm like, yeah, I can't wait to get started in this industry. So on day one, I show up and I am my brightest form of personality. Like, I don't know what part of myself I was, but I was shining, I was talking with all of the other brand ambassadors. I was literally glowing light bulb that people were probably already annoyed with. And so as day one goes on, I'm like, oh wait, this is kind of I'm doing way too much for passing out flyers. Like, let me tone it down a bit. By day two, it was really weird because we kind of had this territory to cover, and we're like, okay, we covered our territory. And then our clients were like, oh, you were supposed to be in that whole area for six days. Go back and hand out more flyers. And so we were like, oh, it's really confusing because we're like, ah, we don't even know what we're supposed to be doing. Are we supposed to be chit-chatting with people or just handing out flyers? Because this should not be in the same area for six days. So on day two, I shut off a little bit more of my personality. You know, I'm not as bright and bubbly and I'm definitely more chill. And I remember my coworkers, they were kind of like, Oh, are you not feeling well today? And I was just like, No, I'm feeling fine. But I definitely like turned something off a little bit because I was doing too much. Then by day three, we show up and our team lead says, Hey guys, we might be getting a new territory today and a few more different duties, so just hang tight because I'm gonna get more word. And that's when I said this line that I literally had to write down because I'm like, oh my gosh, everything about myself makes sense. I said, Hang on, Mr. Team Lead. I need you to tell me exactly what we'll be doing so I can decide who I'm going to be. And I literally gassed when I said that because I was like, oh, I have been putting in my different parts like we're a freaking soccer team. And I, you know, everybody has masks that they put on, and I always knew I was really good at masking. But as soon as I said that, it's like I went inward in my brain and I saw all of my parts sitting on a bench like a basketball game. And for that first day, I put in LA JC, that biggest, brightest version of myself. That second day, I put in college JC of a little bit more chill, you know, get the job done, but not really care all that much. And by day three, when the job was changing, I was like, I demand to know what we're doing because I need to know who on my roster I need to put in. And I've said this whole time, you guys, that I'm like, I knew I had a superpower. And I'm starting to realize, wait, I do have a superpower and I could kind of use this job to learn how to use it. So after that gig, that gig was kind of a bust. But after that gig, I started realizing I can lean into this and learn my parts through this job because they're all just gigs. You apply for different gigs, you have different coworkers every time. I'm a part of like 10 different agencies. And so I could work with new people, I could have new expectations every single time, but I could also put in a new version of myself every single time. So here's how that went. So I was a part of one agency that was definitely more catered towards my hospitality experience. It was a lot of wait staff and catering and private parties where you're cleaning up after rich people. And I realized, okay, I'll put in high school JC for those gigs. It's more of just like straight up serving, you know, Johnny Rockets JC can easily handle that. And I don't have to worry about being the best at my job. I can just get the job done. I'd be booked for trade shows where it'd be a lot of memorization and being a product specialist and really knowing everything about a specific brand. Okay, cool. I'll put in college JC, who is really great at studying and memorizing things, and just having that memorization and communicating those skill sets. When it's a really fun activation where I'm the face of the brand and I'm just trying to coax people over to our event space that requires a lot of personality. That's LA JC. Put on your biggest and brightest smile, let people tell you how pretty you are, and just be that face of the brand. And then, of course, I stopped signing up for street teams because I was like, all right, I'm not, it's not worth my time handing out flyers. But for street teams, if I just needed money and I'm free for that day, put in Zombie JC where I turn off my personality. I am not even trying that hard. I am there just to make a quick buck. Zombie JC can do the job. So I was having fun. I was learning that I did have this superpower where I literally could switch in and out of these personalities. I could let them take over my super suit and kind of just get to know them better and let them thrive individually as these ladies in my brain. But one of the biggest things I started experiencing in these new environments was I was getting split screened more than ever. So if you haven't heard me say the term split screening, I talk about it a lot over on my TikTok. The best way I can explain it is this it's like two of the ladies in my brain are trying to drive the body at the same time. They're trying to use the supersuit at the exact same time. And I'll get split screened because they both feel radically different about one thing. You know, I have one part of me saying and thinking and feeling emotions over here, and then I have the other part feeling the other way and trying to take control because it's the complete opposite. And I can feel the tension between them in real time. And it's not subtle, it's confusing, it's overwhelming. And honestly, it's a little bit scary, especially when it first started happening, where I'm like, why can't I tell off that person and instead I'm fawning and people pleasing? Oh, it is because I have these parts and I'm getting split screened. And throughout my healing journey, I've gotten so much better at not only bringing awareness to it, but dealing with it in real time because these situations I started putting myself in as a brand ambassador with this new job forced me to slow down and actually identify which parts are showing up and why. And before I would spiral and shut down and it felt like I was going crazy. Now I had the tools with all of my therapy that I could go, oh, I know what's happening in my brain. And not only am I aware of it, but I can fix it in real time. And so this new job started really helping me identify my split screens and bring a lot of my parts closer together. So here's some examples. So I was working this one gig with a bunch of girls where it was a super fun activation. You know, we were just paid to hand out samples and look pretty. It was a really fun, big event. But there was this one girl I was working with who she really started to piss me off, you guys. So on day one, she says, like, we're outside. She goes, Oh, I forgot sunscreen. And I'm like, Oh, no worries. Here, I have some, borrow some of mine. She's like, Okay, cool, thanks. Then our lead is talking about some of our duties for the day. And she wasn't paying attention, but she comes up to me and she's just like, Hey, sorry, I missed that. What did she say? And I would say, Oh, she was just telling us, like, hey, make sure we hand out all the samples, but don't give out these yet today. She's like, Okay, cool, great. Day two comes around and she comes up to me, she goes, Hey, can I borrow the sunscreen? And I'm like, the sunscreen? First of all, it's my sunscreen, but yeah, sure, here you go. Then the lead is talking about new updates for the day, and she's actively on her phone. And then once our lead's done talking, she comes up to me and she's just like, Hey, sorry, I was answering an email. What did she say? And I'm a little annoyed, but I'm like, She said, like, okay, today we can hand out this side of the samples, all right? She's like, All right, cool. Day three comes around and she goes, Hey, pass me the sunscreen. And I'm I'm that I was like, the sun, pass me the if this is not communal sunscreen. This is my nice La Roche-Pose sunscreen that I'm letting you borrow. By day three, you should know you should be wearing sunscreen or bringing your own. No, I'm not giving you my sunscreen. And I tell her, no, I don't have any. Our lead is giving us more updates. And I watch her actively be on her phone again, knowing she's just gonna come up to me and ask me for the recap. And sure enough, she does. She goes, Hey, sorry, what did she say? And I literally looked at her and I said, Go ask the lead. And in that moment, I got split screened because I was like, Whoa, JC, why are you being so mean? That was so mean of you to say to her. She was probably answering some work email. You would have been nicer in the past and told her what's going on. But then I had this other part of me going, This is a grown-ass woman not doing her job. I'm not getting paid to relay all this information back to her. We are all self-employed. We are all got hired as individuals for this gig. It is not my job to help her out or give her my nice sunscreen. And it was so interesting because this was the first time where I wasn't actually handling it in real time because I was so fun and bubbly over here. I was being my best and brightest self. And whenever she would even speak to me, it's like I revoked my personality. It's like she would look at me, my face would fall, my humor would change, and I would look at her and go, I don't know. I don't know, figure it out. I don't know, go ask the lead. And then I'd look back over here and be fun and bubbly again. And it was so weird because I'm like, wow, I really do have these parts where my humor changes, my vernacular changes, my whole personality changes. But I was also like, JC, you can't do that. Like, you can't be a bitch to her and then a bright, bubbly person over here. There's gotta be some in between. And so in that example, I had to go home and be like, hey, let's let's find a let's find some middle ground here, JC. And I had to do parts work and be like, okay, we don't need to be a bitch to her, but we can also be a little bit more polite in letting her know, like, hey, it's not my job to really have that information to you. Go ask the lead. And that I don't have to like pop off on her and be like, it's my sunscreen. Just be like, oh, I don't have it today. Sorry. You know, like there was definitely a middle ground that I had to learn. So I started working more gigs. I was having so much fun, but I was getting split screen constantly. And it started to feel overwhelming, like, oh my God, like I'm mentally ill. I'm never gonna get over this. But then I got faster and better at working, at like working through it. But I also realized, oh, it's happening a lot more because I was zombie JC and healing JC for so long. Because zombie JC, my job was social media. I am just talking to myself in my apartment, to you guys on a camera. There wasn't a whole lot of social interaction. And this was at the peak of my dissociated states, where I was spending hours a day like a zombie wandering around my apartment just in La La Land in my own brain. So that was definitely a very isolating time. But then healing JC, a lot of it was just me and my therapists. It was me doing my parts work. It was me doing all of the internal work that I was just spending so much time alone. And I wasn't lonely by any means, but I was definitely a lot more by myself in the past few years. And so by doing this new job, I was getting split screen more constantly because I was putting myself in situations where I'm around other people and I'm in new environments and situations and interacting with strangers like I hadn't done to that extent in years. And here's another example. So I was working this one gig and there was a really cute boy on our team. And this is very like female-dominated industry, which is great. You go girls, but there was a cute boy on our team. And so as soon as I show up, my brain immediately goes, Oh my God, a cute boy. I want him to like me. I want to flirt with him. Like, let me have a little work crush. And by the first conversation I had with him, oh my God, he was so dull. He was so dull. He was so boring. It was literally like pulling teeth trying to have a conversation with him. I literally was like, I would rather paint a house with a toothbrush than talk to this guy ever again. But then day two comes and I'm getting ready for the job and I'm like, oh, I gotta put on a little bit more makeup today. Oh, I gotta make sure I'm standing up straighter when I'm around him. And I was like, wait, why am I doing this? And I get split screened and I can hear a little voice in my head go, Well, I want him to like me. I want him to think I'm pretty. And then I have a side over here going, why? That guy was dull as doornails. Why do we care what he thinks about us? And then this other part over here goes, Well, I don't, I don't know. And that was the first situation where I was able to recognize recognize it immediately because I've learned so much about my parts. And I'm like, this is middle school, JC. This is the version of me that believed that male validation was the most important thing. I'm sure everybody can go through that in middle school, where boys liking you is all about survival. It's all about your own self-esteem and self-perception. And even if I didn't like the boys, so much of my middle school experience was about just finding anybody who would like me and just hoping that boys would like me back. And all of those feelings, I could feel it head to toe, where even though this guy, I he was attractive, but never would I even go for him because he was so boring. I still just wanted him to like me. So in real time at that event, I had to do parts work with middle school JC, where when I'd catch myself looking at him and seeing if that he was talking to another girl and feeling jealous and feeling like I wasn't good enough, I'd have to recognize that part. I'd have to say, Middle school JC, like, hey, I hear you and I acknowledge you, but we don't need to do that anymore. That guy is not even worth your time. You are so much better than this. And hey, I'm here, I can take control now. And I know that we are having so much fun talking to the friends over here than caring about if that boy likes us. And in real time, middle school JC would be like, uh, you're right. What a relief. I'm having such a better time over here than worrying about that boring guy. And I started to realize, wait, I can choose not only how I want to show up, but I can take that roster of parts that I have on my team, take that bench of players, put them in for a little bit, show them that they don't have to feel that way in that situation. And they kind of like, I don't know, voluntarily put themselves back on the bench and realize, you're right, I don't need to be in this situation right now. So the last uh concrete example that I'll give, uh, because I think it's kind of interesting, was I was working this event and it had lots of different stations. It was a big activation. Also, activation is just the marketing term for basically like the big booth that you see at an event, like when they have a big spinny wheel or where they have some sort of big structure to it. That's called an activation in this business, teaching you guys some of the lingo here. But I was working this really big activation and there were lots of different stations. And my role during this whole event was I was the floater. So I had to learn all of the different parts, and I rotated and basically gave everybody their breaks. So on day one, I rotate into the first station. And these people, mind you, had been working at this station for hours. They kind of had their plan down. But I come in and I'm like, oh, I would have done things differently. You know, maybe you guys aren't doing things as efficiently or you aren't having as much energy as I think you should. For example, this specific event had like arcade games, and when there was like a new high score, lights would go off, everything, and these people would just be like, Woohoo, good job, here's a golden ticket. And in my head, I'm like, Like, what? We should be like, wow, high score. You did it. Like, I don't know. Like, I just have that kind of energy, and that's the kind of experience I wanted to give. So I walk in, and that's the first thing I said. I said, Hey, maybe we should give more energy when somebody gives a high score. And the look this girl gave me, she was just like, okay. Whoosh. I got immediately split screened because I had that one side who said those words go, No, I'm right. We could be doing a way better job. Like, why aren't we making this a better experience for everybody? And then I got the other side of me going, oh my God, she's right. Why am I bossing these people around? I'm not the team lead. The team lead could have told them that and she didn't. Why am I bossing people around? And in that moment I realized, oh, I'm getting split screened with high school JC. She is the goody two shoes, the rule follower, but also, I don't like using the word bossy, but she is a little bossy where she's gonna tell you, like, no, this is how things should be done if we want it to be done correctly. The other side I got split screened with was like me now. It was the version of me going, like, we don't need to be doing all of that. In fact, it's more tiring to be bossing people around. That's not what we're here to get paid for. Like, again, we're all individual employees. That is not our place. And what I did in this situation is I said, like, oh, okay, high school JC, I heard you substitute into the game here, take yourself off the bench. But here's why we don't need to be doing that. Because I got this. I'm the oldest version of myself. I know how to maintain all of our energy. I'm kind of the coach at this point of our whole roster on this bench. And you gotta trust me to know how to win this game. And in that moment, high school JC went like, all right, let me go sit on the bench and see what you do. So, in real time, I, as like this integrated version of myself, realized I don't need to boss around those people. I could just do what I think we need to be doing. And so when somebody got the high score, I cheered, I got all excited, but I didn't make them do it. Then I rotate to the next station where I see like they're doing a registration of some part. I'm like, oh, they could be doing it so much more efficiently if they just made the line go this way and they separate out a little bit. I'm not gonna tell them to do that, but when it's my turn to flow into that station, that's what I'm gonna do. So I'm like, hey, let's try this. Let's let's do this real quick. We switch it up, and then that team realizes, oh, actually, this is a way better format. Let's continue this throughout the whole event. Long story short, my team lead and the clients for that event told me, hey, we just want to let you know you were the MVP of this whole event. We have 13 brand ambassadors. You were the best one. You brought the energy, but you're also intelligent. You made the event more efficient in ways that we didn't even realize could be more efficient. And we just want to let you know that. And after that event, that client actually hired me on specifically for their own event. I basically booked myself directly for more gigs by just doing a good job on my own. And so in those moments, high school JC on the bench was kind of like, you know what? You're right. I thought you needed me to come in and play that role, but I understand now that you actually do have a handle on this, and this was a way better turnout for all of our parts on the bench. So I kept doing these gigs, and uh one thing, uh, one thing I should also touch on that I learned about myself and why I've been loving this new job specifically is I need variety. I need a lot of variety in the things that I do because I do have a lot of parts and I have different interests, different personalities, and different masks. But I at first realized, wow, I do need variety so I can rotate between them. I can make sure everybody is getting subbed into the game. And so the gig work has been so perfect for me, you guys, because it just feels like I'm going on side quests and I'm learning my parts. And every weekend is a new event. It's a new brand, it's a new environment. I literally worked an AI conference with robots and technology. And then two days later, I was working a skateboarding competition. I've worked with brands like CoverGirl and Postmates and Bud Light and Jellycat and Google. I've met celebrities like Guy Fieri and Issa Rae and Pink Panthers, and I've gotten access to really cool events along the way. And I've been so much happier because life feels so full by having this new job. And in the process of all of this, unknowingly so, I have become a lot more integrated, which is so interesting because when I first learned that I had OSD, my therapist said, like, all right, so like the next steps after this diagnosis is to get integrated, to basically get all of your fragmented parts all into one and you become one whole person. And that terrified me when she said that because I was like, I don't know if I want that. I'm first of all learning that I have these parts. I want to get to know them. Everything about my life is making sense. I don't want to just combine them all and not learn about them. But then I was also really terrified that I would lose my dazzle, I called it. I was like, I knew I had something different about me. I knew I had superpowers. I knew there was something special about me, whether it was neurodivergence or mental illness, I don't know. But I was terrified of integration because I was like, what if I lose everything special about me? But then integration, you guys, started happening naturally. And it started feeling right because it started feeling like, wait, it's not that I'm getting rid of my parts, it's that they're all becoming one version of me that I've been trying to become for so long. And I truly thought that all of my healing was gonna come from these hours of therapy, from journaling, from sitting alone in my apartment and doing parts work and figuring myself out. And all of that helped so much. I wouldn't be where I am without all of that process. But what I didn't realize is that I was still doing all of that in a controlled environment, in the safety of my therapist's office, in the safety of my apartment. And this job completely broke that facade because I was suddenly thrown into unpredictable, high-energy social situations where I couldn't just pause and process and journal and tell you guys about it. I had to respond in real time and let things reveal themselves in real time. And all of my patterns, all of my parts, all of my triggers, they didn't live in my thoughts anymore. They lived in my reality. They lived in my reactions. And for the first time, I wasn't just analyzing myself and processing things from a depersonalized view. I was meeting myself. It genuinely feels like I accidentally created the perfect exposure therapy for my brain. And so now everything that, like, I don't know, used to confuse me, just kind of just shows up in real time and I can work through it. Like I feel like I'm on the, I used to be at like the beginner and intermediate levels of OSD integration. Like now I'm at way advanced and I, it's not even just about awareness. I can fix it in real time. So if I'm at a gig and all of a sudden I get that overwhelming gut feeling of like, why do I feel like I'm in trouble? Why do I feel like I'm doing a bad job? Oh, that's little JC coming through. Hey, I know you're scared of being in trouble, but I can reassure you, we're doing great. Don't worry, go back to the bench where it's comfortable and safe. I got this, and she's okay with that. Or I'll go to events and I'll think, oh, why do I feel like I'm trying to be best friends with this coworker that I don't even really like? I don't even enjoy their company, but why am I so worried about them liking me? Oh, that's my people-pleasing team of parts that are trying to keep me safe by fawning and making sure that people like me so that no harm comes to me. I can remind them, hey, all of you, it's okay to just be professional. We don't have to ask them to go out for drinks afterwards just to make sure that they like me and write a good review about me. Not everyone has to like me. It's enough to just be polite, professional, and just a good vibe to be around. We don't need to be our highest, brightest part of self just to get through this gig. We can just be a relaxed, normal person. And now I am, ooh, maybe like five months into this new job as a brand ambassador. And I think back to that very first gig where I told my lead, wait, you need to tell me exactly what we're doing so I know who I'm going to be. And that still gives me goosebumps because at the time that felt so normal and accurate. You know, every situation I didn't realize required a certain version of me, a personality, a tone, a vibe, whether it was a team of parts or an individual lady in my brain. And all of that was so automatic throughout my whole life, but I didn't realize how exhausting it was being all these different versions of myself. And the more I did gigs, the more I realized, oh my God, I don't need to decide who I'm gonna be. I don't need to put in all of the effort of having 12 different players on my team. I could just show up naturally, adjust naturally. And it wasn't this performative identity switch anymore. It was more like instead of having full parts switch in and out, I could access different parts of myself without losing the core of who I am. And truly, you guys, that's been one of the biggest signs that I am getting so integrated is that I'm not constructing myself from scratch every single time I walk into a room. I've been building the person who I am now, and that's who's been showing up every single time, and it feels so natural. And sometimes there is, there is like still a lot of that grief of what my life has been without even realizing it. And, you know, I'm still sad that so much of how my brain operates is because of survival. It was just trying to keep myself alive. And all of these ladies in my brain started as me needing to be whoever I had to be in order to feel safe or accepted or in control. But I realized there's a big difference between something that controls you and something that you can consciously control. And I didn't have any of that before. But that's where I feel like I am now. It's not that those parts are disappearing. It's that I'm not at their mercy anymore. I'm not struggling to grab the microphone. I'm not struggling as a coach of why are you all running around the court right now? Everybody go sit down. I can work with them instead of being run by them. But now I'm at a point, you guys, where it's all starting to come together where I'm like, whoa, are all of you guys me? I'm not sure if I'm there yet, but that's what it's starting to feel like. And the other thing I've barely touched on, which is exciting, I've been dissociating a lot less. Woo-hoo! So the dissociation is a core part of the OSDD diagnosis. And it was the thing that was taking over my life because I didn't realize again, I'd be spending eight hours a day sitting on the couch staring at the wall, being stuck in my own brain, like I was watching a movie. And the dissociating has gotten significantly less again because I've put myself in the real world again. I've gotten a real life outside job, and I can't dissociate on the job. I mean, I can actually. I've also learned to control my dissociation a little bit, especially like on those street team gigs where it's like, I'm just passing out flyers. Well, let me play a movie in my head and just make the time go by a little bit faster. Again, I'm learning how to use my superpowers. But the big root of why I had this dissociation disorder was about escaping my reality and keeping my system safe. For the first time in years, you guys, I love my reality and I don't feel like I need to escape it. So that's been it's been really good. Uh, but one thing I do want to touch on just briefly, I guess is just like a little life update. There are cons to this life. There are a lot of cons to this new industry that I am in and in pursuing being a brand ambassador. The first of which is that this is a very competitive industry. There are a lot of people applying for gigs. It's kind of like applying for acting gigs or modeling gigs. Like it's not like I just sign up. You have to get booked. So there's a lot of inconsistency and a lot of instability. So, right now, for example, last month I was working nonstop gigs. I'm like, oh my God, I could make this my full-time job. This is great. I haven't booked anything in two weeks and I'm stressing because I'm like, I gotta pay rent. I need to book something now. And so I've been seeing myself lower my standards in terms of gigs. Like, you guys, I actually did apply for another street team. Cause I'm like, well, shoot, I gotta eat food this month. That'd be nice. So there is a lot of inconsistency that kind of makes me a little bit nervous. Uh, but at the same time, I like the hustle. It is exciting, uh, but that is one worry. Another con is I'm still learning how to manage my own energy because again, I have a lot of social energy. I am very extroverted. So I'm learning that I will go to an event and expel all of my energy being the best that I could be. And then I'll come home and I think, oh, I can edit a video. I can post on social media. Nope, I am dead. All I want to do is sleep, not speak for two days, and just recover. And so I'm having to learn how to manage my social energy in a way that isn't gonna be all or nothing. And that's hard for me. Ugh, another big con is it is a very physically demanding job, especially compared to what I've been doing on social media for the past years. I'm on my feet all the time, and the whole other side to this diagnosis and this healing journey is all of the body stuff. I have fibromyalgia. I didn't realize I've been muscle guarding for most of my life and I don't have access to a lot of my muscles. I've been in physical therapy, I've been working through a lot of that, and I've gotten to the point where the pain is manageable. But you guys, the pain is always there. I feel like my second job is not coming home and working on social media, but instead coming home and foam rolling and taking hot baths and making sure that my pain is manageable as opposed to a big giant flare-up where I'm stuck on the couch for three days not talking to anybody. So that's been tricky to navigate. But the one thing that I will say about the pain side of things is pain is a new feeling and sensation for me. And I'm learning so much about my body that it's not the worst thing in the world because I'm I feel like I'm getting more attuned with my body. So it's really hard and it's tough and it's fucking painful. But I won't complain about it because, again, it is manageable and because I don't like to complain. And the last con I would say is that semblance of identity grief, that idea that maybe I am losing parts of myself because I am still processing a lot of repressed memories that have still come up. I'm still processing a lot of my life that I've lost to trauma. And that feeling of again, I'm am I gonna lose my dazzle by becoming integrated? Am I not gonna be who I was before? And am I not gonna be special anymore? And I have to still work through a lot of that. But I think this gig overall is helping me. It's helping me learn about myself, it's helping me learn about my body and where pain is coming from, but again, integrating a lot of those parts. So I think I do want to stay in this world a little bit longer, even if it means less TikToks and less videos on YouTube. But I want to stay in this world. So, right now, what life looks like for me is I'm gonna try to make being a brand ambassador my full-time job. You know, if I can just book five gigs a week, I will be solid. I still want to do some social media, but I don't want to do content creation. You know, that started feeling very disingenuous, where I was, you know, looking at my stats and going, what videos are performing best? What do you guys want to hear from me? Like, what's gonna make me go viral and make a bunch of money? I've been trying to do that for so long and it it wasn't working and it wasn't bringing me any joy. So I'm choosing what brings me the most fulfillment in terms of all of my platforms, and that's this podcast. Because this doesn't feel like content creation, it feels like I'm just sharing my life. And even if this makes me zero dollars, I'm the happiest with that because this has been so important in me again processing a lot of things. But I do hope that it's entertaining for you guys and you can learn something from it. Or I don't know, you just like hanging out with me, like I always say. So I hope you'll follow along in this chapter. Because the overall takeaway I want from this podcast episode, from this new season of this podcast and in life, is that I am the happiest I've been in so long. And I don't mean that in an over-the-top way, in everything is perfect kind of way. I'm healed, I'm cured. I mean it in the quietest way, in this really calm and steady, almost unfamiliar way, where I don't feel the need to escape my life anymore. I don't feel the need to tell you guys about every little thing that happens. Because for so long my default state was wanting to get out of my body, wanting to get out of my mind, out of whatever situation that I'm in. And now I'm having moments where I'm here and I'm present in my body for the first time and in my brain for the first time, and I'm laughing and I'm I'm enjoying myself, and I'm not wanting it to end. And that's something I genuinely didn't know if I would ever get back. And it's quiet, but it's everything, and I just want to enjoy that for as long as I can. And I hope you guys will be here joining me on the Naked Puppet to hear more about it. But that's gonna be it for today's episode, the season premiere of The Naked Puppet. If you guys want to follow my life as a brand ambassador, go follow me on Instagram at JC Aaron. I post about these gigs. I'm telling you what brands I work for and how it works from that insider thing. I think it's really fun, so make sure to go follow there. Um, I don't want to plug all my other social media because I don't know what I'm gonna be posting on here, but make sure you're following this podcast because this podcast is about my healing journey, which is all things brains, body, and again, sex. This podcast was started so I could talk about things that I didn't want to put on YouTube. And you guys, I still have so many juicy things that I want to talk to you guys about. In fact, the very next episode, you are not one gonna want to miss. I don't know if I can even put it on YouTube, but it's one of those foundational things I've been wanting to talk about for so long that is not safe for work, but is something very important on my healing journey I've been wanting to talk about. So make sure you check out that next episode. If you're listening to this, I don't know how podcast works, give it a five-star review, like this video on YouTube, and join for the next one because I'm excited to be back and share about this crazy healing journey with you guys. But I love you so, so, so, so, so much. I'll see you in the next one. Toodle, you know.