How We Teach Kids to Ignore Their Bodies

You've probably already heard that pressuring kids to eat backfires. It will likely make them more resistant to eat the things you want them to eat. But even when we know it - sometimes it's hard to not do it... even when it's not really effective.

But the thing is, it's not only that it's ineffective or that it will likely backfire. It's likely interfering with your child's long-term relationship with food and how they connect to their body.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why the short-term reactions we see are only part of the picture
• What's happening underneath the surface - and why this is actually the far more important consequence
• The long-term impact of controlling feeding dynamics, including what it looks like in adults
• Why your child's body cues are actually their best tool for a lifetime of healthy eating
• A simple check-in to notice where this might still be sneaking into your own mealtimes

If you've ever caught yourself saying "just one more bite" and wondered if it's really that big a deal - you'll want to listen to this one!

CONNECT with Nicole:

- Instagram: @nicolecruzRD
- Book a FREE Eating Alignment Call with Nicole to learn more about our approach and how we can work together: Eating Alignment Call

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW:

If you loved this episode, it would mean so much for you to follow, subscribe, share, or leave a review.

Your support helps us reach more conscious and loving parents who need these insight!

Thank you for tuning in and see you next week!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Intentional Table Podcast. This is where we go beyond nutrition to not only talk about how to help your child eat well and get the nutrients they need, but how to also support them in having a healthy relationship with food. If you want your child to eat a variety, listen to their body cues, eat the amount they need, and not be obsessed with sweets, or you just don't want to fight about food, you're in the right place. Here you'll find practical tips and compassionate guidance to support your family in navigating food with more joy and less stress. I'm Nicole Cruz, registered dietitian and mom of three, and I can't wait to dive in to today's episode with you. Welcome back to the intentional table. So you've probably heard that you shouldn't pressure your kid to eat something or make them try bites or tell them to finish their plate, or that you shouldn't limit or restrict them, or, you know, try not to get them to have cookies or not bring them in the house because it will backfire. It will probably make them want the cookies more, want their broccoli less, or it just won't work, you know, like the picture of the kid who's falling asleep at the table because his parents told him that he needs to finish his dinner. And so there they are in a standoff, right? We probably all know these stories, or maybe have even experienced them ourselves. And yet, I think it can still be really challenging sometimes to not step in and say, you need to have a bite of your hamburger before you try your milkshake, or you need to at least try a bite of your broccoli. Just try it. You'll like it. You know, you don't have to eat it, but take a bite. Or, you know, you need to eat two more bites and then you can be done. Because we want our kids to eat a variety of foods, to try new things, to get the nutrition they need, eat in a balanced way. So it makes perfect sense that sometimes we resort to these methods, especially when we feel like our kids won't eat the broccoli or all they would eat would be the cookies or the milkshake. And we also feel responsible for our kids. You know, it's our job to help them and to support them. And I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't be helping or supporting them, but we do want to recognize that a lot of the tactics that we use in this approach is just not effective. And so a lot of us are familiar with the fact that it probably doesn't work well or might even backfire in the moment. But I think a lot of times we're not actually aware of the impact that this can have long term. I was recently interviewed on the Do Less Parenting podcast. And as we were chatting, Robin, the host, said, Oh wow, you know, I realized that when we restrict foods, it will make them feel more like the forbidden fruit. And if we pressure our kids, it's gonna make them more resistant to wanting to eat those foods. But I really didn't realize the bigger impact and the secondary thing that's happening as well. And so that's what I want to share with you today so that we can look at both the short term and the long term. Most of us realize that in the short term, it makes our kids more reactive, right? This is what I call reactive eating. That if we want them to eat more of those quote unquote healthy foods, they are going to feel that and they are going to react in opposition and not want to eat them, not want to try them. And if they feel like some other foods are limited or restricted or we don't want them to eat them, often things like cookies, candy, sweets and general quote unquote junk food, then they're going to want those foods even more. And this is normal. This is human behavior. There's a psychological term for it called reactants, that when we feel like our autonomy is being threatened, we try to regain that control. So if our kids feel controlled in any way around food, they are going to try to exert their control to get back their autonomy. I saw this so clearly with my kiddo, not even around food. But during COVID, we were doing school at home for a few hours every day. And so the kids would hop on their like Zoom with their teacher and they would have to do some assignments for a couple hours every morning. And my third grader at the time was sitting at the table in the kitchen on his Zoom. And even though the Zoom was open, the teacher was talking, he was doing anything but paying attention to his schoolwork. He was bouncing the ball up against the wall. He was getting up and going to the bathroom a million times. He was trying to play with the cat. He was saying that he was hungry and needed a snack, on and on. And I kept trying to redirect him, like, hey, let's pay attention. What is it that you need to be working on, etc.? And it was just not happening. And finally I decided, like, this is just not healthy for either of us today. I think we just need to take a break. And so I said, Hey, why don't we just hop off? Why don't you close down, you know, the computer and let's go outside and throw the ball around for a little bit. And he looked at me like I was out of my mind, like, what? You're telling me not to do my school right now? And he started to close the cover of his computer and stand up. And I started to walk outside and he walked past me and he turned around and he yelled at me. I want to do my Zoom and you're not letting me. And I was like, what on earth is happening? That is the last thing you want to do. I've been trying to get you to do it all morning. And now that I'm telling you not to do it, you're yelling at me that you want to do it.

unknown 6:05

Right.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

But this just illustrates exactly what happens all the time around food. When they know that we want them to do something, they are going to push back and resist against that. Now, taking away the reactivity is so helpful right now, in the moment, to not have battles about food, to actually help our kids eat a greater variety, to not be obsessive about sugar and sweets. It helps so much now in our day-to-day. And the part that we're often not realizing in what Robin was talking about was that not only are they reacting in the moment, but they're also slowly disconnecting from their own body cues, like hunger, fullness, and satisfaction, and even from their own curiosity about food. So they're now just reacting to the external and not even checking in with am I hungry? Am I full? Do I like this food? I wonder what it might taste like. So they're not even paying attention to that anymore because all they're doing is reacting to whatever that rule, guideline, limit, the thing we're asking them to do is. And that's what they're paying more attention to. So they are losing the ability, losing the, what's the word I want to use? Like the practice, right? They're losing their practice of checking in with themselves, going internal, because now everything is so focused on outside of them and what they're supposed to do or not supposed to do. And over time, that's no longer going to be part of their eating process, part of their fueling process, listening to their body, noticing its cues, checking in with themselves. And what ends up happening is that we end up with the adult who feels like they always have to finish their plate because food is just there. It feels wrong or weird to leave it, or it's just become so ingrained in such a habit, or they're just not even paying attention to if they're feeling hungry anymore, or if they're full. Or it feels like a rule or like it's wrong to leave food. It makes them actually feel bad to leave food. Or sometimes it just feels compulsive and like they have to do it. And a lot of times, this isn't even on a conscious level. Like when I say rule, they're not thinking like the rule is I have to finish my plate. No, it's just so ingrained in us on a subconscious level that that's what we do, that's how we eat. Or I may have shared this with you before, but this also could turn out like my dad, who to this day still won't eat peas. And he has zero curiosity about what they might taste like. Maybe I would like them. I wonder if they would be good mixed into this food. All he says is, I hate peas because I was always forced to eat them. So it's just like a hard no, but there's no curiosity. There's no natural desire to even consider them. And honestly, this is so common. So many adults that I work with are not even clear about their hunger and fullness or what foods they even truly enjoy anymore. Sometimes they think they like something, and then we do a mindful exercise around it, and they notice I don't even like that food that much because they've stopped checking in and now they're just eating from a place of either reactivity, rules, or habits that have been built. But again, there's no process for checking in anymore. Or if they try, they feel like they don't really know what their body feels like or what they want. So if we look at the big picture, our job as parents is to create the structure, right? To support our kids, to provide those boundaries and guardrails around food, but then to give them the autonomy within that structure to allow them to listen to their body, to check in, to see how much they want to eat, what foods they want to eat from what we provide. That's how we are keeping those cues intact and providing them with the ability to continue to stay connected to their body, because that is the best tool that they have, right? We see how diets come in and out and these rules around eating and guidelines for how many hours apart, or you should be fasting for X number of hours each day, or you know, cut these food groups out. There's all of these constant changing rules and guidelines in our culture. But that's the thing. They're all fads, they're all just moving. What's the new trend now? The best guidance that we ever have is directly coming from our body. Now, I also know that on a day-to-day, this could feel really challenging, especially if you're thinking, but my kid would eat 20 cookies if I let them, or they would never touch the broccoli if I didn't make them try a bite. And so there are a few things to remember about this because I think there's space to recognize all of it and the nuance in it. So one thing is, is that actually true? Because if your child has been experiencing some sense of pressure or some sense of restriction or some sense of control, like they're supposed to eat a certain way, then they will still be in that space of reacting and not wanting to eat the broccoli, right? Or only wanting to eat the cookies. So have you truly been putting this into practice and seeing that's true? And for a lot of clients that I work with, there are still subtle things that are happening at the table here and there, or little comments that they make, or how they respond to food that are still keeping things a little bit out of balance or giving your child that message. And even if you truly aren't doing that anymore, if there has been some sense of that, it takes some time for the pendulum to swing. So it's normal if they're still in a reactivity mode for even months after you make some shifts to how you're doing food until things start to come back into balance. Another thing to remember is that food doesn't need to be a free-for-all. That is not what we're suggesting. So remember, you are still in charge of providing that variety, making certain foods available and other foods not available at different times. So it's not just, yes, eat as many cookies as you want whenever you want. And lastly, some kids do need more support with this. They might be more selective for another reason that doesn't have to do with those external pressures. It might be because they are slow to warm up to new situations. They don't like different textures, they don't like certain sounds or the way that food sounds in their mouth when they're chewing it. There can be a lot of things happening here. And so pressure still isn't the answer to get them to try things, but they might need some different tools and support to create that safety, comfort, and curiosity around trying new foods. Now I want to ground this in a little bit of action. So I want to invite you to look at some of the feeding dynamics that are currently happening with you and your child. Maybe think back to a few recent meals or notice what happens tonight at dinner and think to yourself, check in and say, is there anywhere that I might be interfering here with them actually being able to listen to their body, with them being able to decide what foods they want to eat or how much they want to eat from what I've provided from within this structure? Does my child potentially feel like I'm trying to manage bites or control their intake or like there's certain foods that they should or shouldn't eat, or that I really want them to eat or don't want them to eat too much of? I think oftentimes we really know the answer, especially if we put ourselves in our kids' shoes and think, what might they be feeling? I think we know when we're coming from a place of trying to manage those bites, versus sometimes there are just practical aspects that happen. Like there isn't enough bread to go around, or I'm saving more of that bread for later this week, versus us really trying to control or get them to eat in a certain way. So check in with yourself, look for those places that that might be coming up, and then think about how you can practice giving your child more autonomy and truly allowing them to listen to their body, because that is the best gift we can give them. Because remember, we are feeding for now and for the future. So, as we wrap up, let's take a moment and remind ourselves, as we always do, that nourishing a healthy relationship with food is just as important, if not more, than the food itself. Thank you again for joining me at the intentional table, and I'll see you next time. If you found this episode helpful, can I ask you to share it with a parent who might find it useful as well? Because the more that we do this work together, the more that we change the collective as a whole and truly help change the cultural narrative around food and bodies so that we are all giving our children a healthy relationship with food and their body.