Episode 33 - Claire Nix

Claire has trusted the Lord most of her life and when her son's life ends at a young age, her faith grew even stronger. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hello, I'm Becky Dowd, and this is The Journey to Salvation. Join me as we walk alongside real people and hear the unique journeys that led them to faith in Jesus. Today my guest is Claire Nix. Hello, Claire. Good afternoon. How are you doing? I'm doing great. Thank you for coming in today. Well, it's my pleasure. Anytime I can talk about my Lord, I'm ready. Well, good. So I would, you know, I was just thinking about my first memory of you. I think I might have more than one, but the very first one was um I was friends with your next door neighbor, the Kernodals, Janet Kernotable, and you lived right beside them. And I think you were probably a teenager or young adult, a teenager at that time. And were you a majorette too? Yes, I was. See, I remember that too, going to the ball games and just watching you twirl, and that was just so exciting. You know, whenever you're that young and you see someone older, a teenager, you're like, I want to be like them, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Well, we tried hard and practiced a lot, so we I thought we were all right.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

No, y'all did a great job. Uh, but since then I've gotten to know you uh at church. We used to go to church together for years and years and got to work closely with you there. And um, but why don't you just give us a little background information of your life growing up, maybe until you were 18 or so?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Well, my life, uh, Becky was is very common to my generation. I'm obviously um in the prime of life, I would I will say. Excuse me. Um, and my dad uh served in World War II. And uh my mom uh uh was a homemaker. Actually, my family, I was I was kind of thinking about it today in preparation for this. I had had kind of forgotten it, but my family, my dad's maternal and paternal descendants were cross county folks, and my mom's mother was cross-county folks. Oh wow. Mark's descendants were cross-county folks. As a matter of fact, my grandchildren can count like six, five, six, and seven generations of people living in the Wynn area, the cross county area. So I am definitely a homebody. I went to college for a little while and came, you know, even finished at A-State and uh lived at home. Yeah but um like I said, it was a very simple, uh loving, happy. I had a very, very almost uh almost June cleaver, except we didn't live in as nice a house. You know, and my mother didn't wear quite as nice a dress as June Cleaver. Uh and uh my dad uh actually was saved as an adult. So, and my mother already was, so church was a huge part of our lives, and um everything was just going on track. I I um was getting into junior high and I was so ready for all of the stuff that goes with you know junior high and high school. My sister uh was a couple of grades ahead of me, but something happened uh when I was in the seventh grade, just before I turned 13. My dad suddenly died of a massive heart attack. Oh wow quickly. He was in the hospital because he was kind of quote unquote not feeling well, and and um, well, I think maybe your dad even uh saw him in the hospital some of the few days that he was in there, and um he suddenly died, and my mother found herself at 38 being a widow, and I had never I had been to one funeral in my life before that time, and it was some distant c relative of my grandfather's, and I had never been close to a casket. I had never seen any, I'd never experienced anything. Uh my grandparents were still living, except for my dad's dad, and he was a lot older. He had died much younger, you know, many years before. To say that my life changed is an understatement. And I will say, my precious mother, she absolutely she just could not handle it. And actually, she went to bed, and I did not know what life was going to be like. And what I will say though, and I saw it years later, which is another part of my story, but I saw our church family and even the Wynn community be exactly what God calls the church to be. There were so many, uh, there were so many people in our little house that you could hardly move, and um, they ministered and helped, and it was it, it just really seared into my brain, the memories of the people coming in and out. And interestingly enough, one of the ladies that came into my mother's kitchen was my future mother-in-law. Oh wow. And I remember her coming in with something, you know, to some food, you know, to leave with us. And but I will tell you, I saw something then later that also changed my life. Because my mother was grieving so horribly, and I mean, weeping just horribly. I'd never seen anything like it. Um, but sometime after that, I don't really remember how long it was, but our church had a pastor come in and he was doing an emphasis on the family. And this was the Baptist church downtown, the old, you know, old Baptist Church. And so uh he had an altar call. So he was calling all of these moms and dads, husbands and wives, to come forward with their children and commit publicly to rear their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And there sat my mother alone. But she got up out of the choir, she sang in the choir, she came down for front and she motioned for my sister and me to join her down front, and again, weeping almost uncontrollably, she committed to raise my sister and me in the Lord. And I saw that broken woman, there was a strength that became so evident in her, and she uh actually she came she kind of became like the woman of steel. I mean, she she just the things that she uh did for us and endured and did alone. Now, of course, we oh I had two uncles especially that were wonderful. Mother was an only child, but my dad had a large family. And so there that there was there was extended family that was very, very helpful. But you know, those day in and day out things she did and she did beautifully. And if I have perseverance in my life today, I give God the credit for giving it to my mother, and I saw it lived out in our home.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

That was just a shock because of his age, him passing away. But for you being that age and your sister being a few years older, I just can't imagine going through that.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

It it really it I I I my words aren't adequately describing. I mean, I I was literally fearful. I had no idea what my life was fixing to be. It was just uh it was it was just unbelievably sad. But on the other hand, it is an it is a one of the many examples in my life where I saw God's grace and his comfort and his provision lived out and change, change a life. Right. And uh so, you know, life did go on, and um uh something else that happened very significantly in my life before I turned 18 was uh to the chagrin of my mother for a while, I fell in love at a very young age with my my love of my life and my high school sweetheart, my husband Mark. Um we were engaged, we were engaged by the time we graduated from high school. Oh wow, yeah, and my mother, because my dad's upbringing was so simple, he was of that generation. He thought that a college education was the answer to a good life. You know, if you had a college degree, then then the life, you know, it was whatever you wanted to make it. And and they had lived very simply preparing for my sister and I to go to college. And then after his death, mother was on a mission. She was determined, my sister and I were going to college. She never asked us if we're going to college. Do you want to go to college? Her question always was, where are you going to college? So it wasn't, it was not an option. Yeah. So uh Mark and I married, though. Uh uh, I'm fixing a past 18. Is that okay? We married when we were 20, so we were young, but he was just as committed to me finishing my degree because he understood, you know, mother's mission in life. And once once I did, um then uh the Lord brought a precious, precious stepfather into my life, Hugh Bones Taylor. He was from Wynne, and uh he was our claim to fame. You know, I used to play professional football and and all. And so uh he was he became the uh uh uh substitute, maternal grandfather for my kids, and he was he was wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

So uh that kind of took me into you know our married life and okay, let's back up a minute because um tell me about when you surrendered your life to the Lord. Oh, mercy me, of course. Because yeah, I heard Mark's story on on his, yes, and it's kind of funny, but I want to hear what you had to say first. That was I'd gone, I'd written some stuff down.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

I can't believe that's the most important part. Yes, as a uh I was in third grade. Okay, and I began to have that uh I I didn't even know how to describe it, but that that uneasy kind of that inside feeling that was just strange and unsettling, and I hate to use the word fearful, but i I I was kind of fearful. Uh so I I I finally realized that um that was God telling me that I needed Jesus. I'd heard it, you know, all my life. And so as a third little third grade girl, eight, nine years old, I went forward in church during the revival, and I told the pastor that um I was lost and I needed Jesus to save me. I didn't really didn't know, I certainly didn't understand all of what that meant, but there was such an overwhelming peace that immediately settled into my little heart. And um I I was, you know, convinced that it was real. But as time, you know, as you get older and you see a lot of people begin to question that childhood salvation, there was a point in in my later life that I thought, you know, am I really? And you know, and and I I did what I learned to do when there's something about spiritual things or God that I did not know the answer for, I went to his word. And I am a strong, strong believer that God speaks to us through his word. That's the primary through his word and the Holy Spirit. That's the primary way that that he uh corresponds with us. And um, so he led me to Romans chapter 10, verse 9. If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thine head uh thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. And God showed me that that is exactly what I had done as as a child. So I I never I never wondered again. I I it was it was I was secure uh in in in him from from being you know a young girl.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

Uh so whenever I was doing Twilight Miller's episode, you know, she was saved during the Jesus Revolution. And I called and spoke with uh Rick Proctor, who is your brother-in-law. Brother-in-law.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Yes, married to Mark's sister. Yes, was married to Mark's sister, yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

And uh anyway, but he told me he remembered when Mark was saved, your husband. Yes. He told me whose house it was at. And so I whenever I saw Mark not long after that, I s talked to him about that a little bit, and he said he was telling me that he went to I shouldn't tell his story, but I don't think he'll mind. I don't think he will. But he was uh trying to impress you, I think. I don't know what age he was at this time. We were uh we're about 16. Okay. And so he had gone somewhere at his mother's family, yes, his grandmother's. And he came back and he was gonna go to church and um he was gonna show you that he was a good man, so he was gonna go up when they had that altar call. But he said he was sitting there and he said he could not move his feet because he was he knew he was going up for the wrong reason. Yes. But then he was saved during one of those meetings that they had during that time at um I think he told me the Baker's house.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

It was either the Baker's or it was Dr. Jackson, Dr. and Miss Jackson's house.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Yes. So anyway, so I just thought that was a neat story.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Yeah, yeah, because there was there were a bunch of us that were gonna go forward because we had uh felt like we had, you know, really recommitment that we wanted to make public. And I had told him all about it when you know he came back from his grandmother's. And and I knew that he was just a little skeptical, but he was like, okay, okay. Uh so yeah, uh, yes, and he got when he got saved, he really got saved. Yes. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

That was that was a sweet story, I thought.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Yes. And so our we were blessed in that our marriage began uh with a tried to have a understanding of what God meant for marriage and our roles at h as husband wife, and and uh he was the love of my life, I'm telling you. Um and I knew it when I was 16. Although he told me at 15 he loved me, believe it or not. Oh, really? And uh I don't know that my mother thought we would last, but and that's not the norm, and I don't necessarily recommend it. But for us it was God's will, and and He has He has very much honored our lives. And we've been very, very blessed. So you went to school, got married, yes, uh I finished my degree, but by the time I a music degree, by the time I uh uh was I finished a semester early, I was uh pregnant with our with our first uh daughter. And so uh I didn't uh want to. Uh my mom had always stayed home, and so I wanted to stay home. So uh Mark was good with that. So she was born, and then in two and a half years later, we had our our precious second daughter, Chrissy, and life was great, but I will tell you, um, this is a little odd, maybe, but for some reason, I guess maybe because my dad had died so young and I never had any brothers, I had an interesting kind of longing to have a little boy because I had never, other than the kernel kids, kernel boys, I had never had um, you know, a real association with with little boys. And even most of my cousins were girls. And uh so anyway, I I started praying for a little boy. I had my precious girls, they were blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girls, and I wanted a blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy to go with them. And this is really bizarre. You might even want to, you might even cut this part out. But no joke, I'm watching TV one day, and this, I've forgotten what the commercial was for, but there was this little blonde-haired boy rolling on a hill in green grass playing with these white, fluffy puppies, cutest little boy you know you've ever seen. And I literally out loud said, God, I want a little boy just like that. Oh wow. That's what I want. And honest to goodness, that is what I got. Our son Todd was born uh in 1981, and he ended up with blonde hair, had blue eyes, and I'm here to promise you this is the truth. We ended up with a white dog, and that dog had white fluffy puppies, two of them. And I walked out of my house one day. He was playing the yard. We lived on a hillside, we live on a hillside. He was rolling in the green grass playing with those white fluffy puppies, and I stood there going, Well, Lord, you gave me exactly what I asked for. I had my little boy playing with white fluffy puppies in the yard. Um, our lives were great. We were getting into that um life. Nikki was um by this time was in high, you know, ninth grade, and Christy was in junior high. Todd was in third grade. And something that I need to stick in here, I had forgotten to mention, one of the things that happened uh before Mark and I got married, um, Mark had a brother uh that was a few years older, and um he died in an accident on the farm uh in uh 1973. And uh my my father had died young, Steve died very young, and um so we had experienced um grief, both of us in real ways. Uh but you know life had gone on, and you know, we were happy and our children were happy, and we were loving, you know, our church family, our girls had been saved, and you know, yeah at young age, and and you know, we were active in all the different you know church activities and everything was was just wonderful. And but something happened in the uh spring of uh uh 1990. We were having a revival back in those days, you know, they had revivals, and for some reason, Becky, I could not explain it. And I when I told Mark, I said, I this is just so bizarre. But I said, I am having this most extreme urgency to pray for our little Todd's salvation. He was barely eight, and you know, the girls had been saved young, but you know, boys usually were, you know, come a little bit behind on you know girl maturity. And uh, but I'm literally I was weeping. I I would sit in my bedroom on my bedroom floor begging God to save that child. And I was just, I just couldn't figure out what was why. And we even had a prayer meeting, ladies, the pastor had a prayer meeting for the ladies uh for the revival, and I even shared with the the group of ladies that were there to, you know, please pray for my son. I said, I he's young, but I just have this urgency. Well, he was saved during that revival. Precious, precious. We came home one night from it, and uh we Mark led him to the Lord. He prayed there, you know, with us in his bedroom, and and then he went forward the next night, and he told, you know, the the pastor that he had trusted Jesus, and so we were rejoicing, our family was complete, we would all spend eternity in heaven, and you know, everything was everything was just wonderful. Well, come the fall of that very year. The absolute nightmare of every parent. And it happened to happen on our farm again. Uh Todd uh was playing over on the farm. He did that. He had this little three wheeler and his little white helmet. He would, you know, we lived off the farm, but his parents lived on the farm. He would ride that thing back and forth, and he was spending the day over there. It spent the night at my at Mark's parents, because Chrissy's bunking party, birthday party. Was you know that weekend. And anyway, he was going back and forth and he'd get on the combine ride with Mark. He'd go to the coffee shop and get ice cream with his you know papa, he'd go over to his grandma's house and you know, and just back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And just a kind of a typical fall day. And my mother-in-law came home from the grocery store and she realized she hadn't seen him for a while. Anyway, without going into any more detail, I at the time that was the Farm CB radio era. And Mark hollers over the radio that Todd's missing. And I told Chrissy and her little friend, I said, call my mother, Mimi, get her to come and pick you up, and just tell her something's something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but come and get it, y'all. Well, before I even got to the farm, Mark screamed over the radio to call an ambulance. So I stopped on my way. No cell phones then. And the Lord did something to me that on that on that drive to the farm. Sometime before that, our pastor, our and a good friend, Don Dunavant, had preached through Revelation. And when he came to Revelation 4.11, thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power, for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. I thought that was the most fabulous verse in the Bible. And I memorized it. Just intentionally memorized it. I loved that verse. I'm driving over to the farm, and the tone of Mark's voice, something was badly wrong. And I began to quote that verse, you know, for thy pleasure, they are and we're created. And I said, Lord, I know Todd was created for your pleasure. He's yours. We've given him to you. I don't know what I'm fixing to find, but but I just know, I just know he's yours, and and please, please, please. And I just I quoted that verse over and over and over. I get to the farm, the shop, Mark's the grain truck is at the shop, and people are already gathering and lights on everywhere. And uh I climb up on the that uh uh grain truck, and my father-in-law and Mark were in the back of that grain truck with our son trying to revive him. I fell to the ground and fairly pretty soon the ambulance got there and we headed to the hospital. And and I just kept, I told Mark, I just said, God has just given me this verse, and I just kept quoting that that uh Revelation 4.11 over and over. I said, Mark, God has created Toffer's pleasure. I don't know what he's gonna do, but you know, he is his more than he's ours. And um that wonderful ER doctor, I haven't don't even remember, I have no idea what his name was, uh came out and asked some questions, and you know, and that the the the ER was filling up, the word was getting out, and our church family was gathering around us, and my little son had a short life. God did take him home. And as soon as I got home, we had to go pick up our girls, they were at my mother's, and um we get home and my house is full already of people. And when I got up to our bedroom, the Lord brought back to my mind the spring when I was so burdened to pray for his salvation. I went, oh dear God, that's why. That is why. Because there was no doubt that he had reached the age of understanding and he knew I knew we knew, we knew where where he was.

SPEAKER_00 26:29

And um you know, and at that time God knew what was gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

Yes, he did, he already knew. Yes, he was preparing. I think that was one of the ways he was preparing us for for what was to come. Yeah, the only way, uh, you know, most most everyone, I'm sure, that's listening, they've experienced grief of some sort. Some somebody that they love has gone to be the Lord. But I will tell you, Becky, that grief, I I would try to think of words in the English language to describe it. And literally, it was like a shroud fell over our home. Uh it's the grief was so intense, it was hard to breathe. It was literally the weight of was so such a heaviness. And that night Mark and I are sitting on our bed, and I'm going, how do you plan a funeral for an eight-year-old? It just the whole, you know, it it was just, it was just it, it it felt like a nightmare.

unknown 27:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

And of course, uh, anyway, and people were staying in the night in our house. We had friends and family that sleeping on our floor. Uh, and that morning, early the next morning, uh finally we fell asleep. I woke up, Mark was still asleep, and I just I was trying not to wake him up, and I just was laying there thinking, oh mercy, this really is real. My phone rang. It was Odell McCallum. He didn't say, Claire, I'm gonna pray for you. He said, Claire, get your Bible. He said, turn one of the passages was he said, turn to Joshua chapter one. Be strong and courageous. He said, read it. He didn't read it to me. And see, all along, all through that night, I knew I knew what I needed. I needed God to speak to us and I needed his word. But I will just frankly tell you, I didn't have it in me to open it. But when he called, he instructed me, he gave, and I he instructed me, I read two passages. You can't say no to Mr. McCallum. No, you couldn't. Absolutely not. And so that began the healing, the way God really healed our heart, Becky, was through his word. Uh, of course, you know, as time went on, things were difficult, but uh there's just so much I could share. I just I guess I just tried to do the highlights. But one of the things got impressed on me so strongly, I mentioned Nikki by this time Nikki was in the ninth grade, and he gently spoke directly to my heart that if I closed myself off for three or four, two or three or four years, I would lose her high school years and I could never reclaim them. And I was just as much her mother as I was Todd's mother. And he gave me the ability to strive to try with his grace to be the mother that they still deserved because they deserved their mother. So that's one of the big, big things that God did. Uh course, Mark having um tried to revive our son was, you know, I I and something else I found out. I'm I'm no psychologist or therapist or counselor or anything, but in my little sphere, I have found out that grief is grief, but there's different layers of grief. Like when there's an extended illness, that's a that's grieving in a way that a sudden accident like our son, right? That's not there. It's a different, that sudden, all of a sudden for that in any way. It's a different type of grief. And and Mark doing what he had done was a different type of grief, a different layer of grief. And he was suffering so badly. And I started begging God for peace for him. I said, God. He's just broken. God did something that then he beg, like I said, he began to do for the rest of my life. He led me to Isaiah 26, 3 through 4. Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusteth in thee, trusting in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God Jehovah is everlasting strength. Becky, I wept and I wept when I found that verse, and I knew that was God's answer for us. I began to, I memorized that verse. I said it over and over and over and over. I said it to Mark over and over and over, and I learned later that that phrase perfect peace, the word perfect in the Hebrew is the same word as peace. So it's like he'll keep you in peace, peace, like a double portion of peace. And that has become our life verse. That is the one that when we're given the opportunity to share with someone who's grieving, that's that's what we that's the verse that we always share. And so, you know, the days were as life does going on. But if I could just take a few minutes to tell a couple more things. Um about in February, after Todd had died in November, I was sitting at my dining room table by myself because Mark did have, you know, life went on, and so he was um out, and the girls were in school. And it just was not a good day for me. It was just not a good day. And uh I had had the privilege of uh starting to teach high school girls in Sunday school. I absolutely loved it. It just opened up God's word to me, a new, a new journey of studying his word and just learning. And I just I just had a God was giving me a passion for it. So um one actually, and it's a group of girls that is now our pastor's wife, and another of our staff pastor's wife was in that Sunday school class, uh, Stacy Dunbunt and and uh Heather Maynow. And we were studying the book of James, chapter one, verse two, count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Well, I just preached to those girls to the hilt. I mean, I was saying, girls, do you realize this doesn't say please count it all joy or you should count it on joy? I said, This is like a command. And I and I listed all these horrific circumstances that could befall life, and I said, God says right here we're supposed to count it all joy. That day I was sitting at my dining room table. God vividly brought my words to my mind of what I had said to those girls. And I went, oh me. And that sweet, quiet voice, are you going to do what you told those girls they should do? Because it said all, A L L. So I sat there trying to even think of how to word, I didn't even know what, I didn't even know what I needed to say to the Lord. Uh, but I finally said, okay, God, okay, God. As best I can in faith, I'm going to try to count this all joy, but you're gonna have to help me do this because right now I do not feel joy in my heart at all, and you know that. But he's been, he was so gracious. I I he said he accepted my sincere effort to try my best to obey him. And um that was a that was kind of a turning point in in my personal uh uh not the grief continued, but then you're healing. That yes, yeah, it really, it really began. Uh there's a couple of other verses. We we got we got so many uh sympathy cards that our sweet uh uh post late postman lady, she had to bring them to the house. You know, we lived out. And uh so she had to drive down our drive and you know, hand us this bundle. And of course it read them all. And in one particular one, you know how and you open the you open up the card, and at the bottom of the left hand side is this little bitty Bible verse, you know, in these little bitty font, you know, and it said something about tears in a bottle in the book of Psalms. And I went, tears in the well, I don't even know what that meant. What is that? So it you know, it gave the reference, so I think it's 56.3. So I looked it up and it's it's a verse about uh, put thou my tears in thy bottle, and you know, and and I thought, what I'm not even sure what that means. And I had a footnote in my Bible that in the ancient East in those days, people would collect their tears in little vials or little bottles, and they would lay them at the uh tomb. You know, altar of the person, the grave side. Oh and I I let me let me read it exactly because I did I did reference it in case I couldn't remember it and I'm I'm not remembering it. Um put thou my tears into thy bottle, are they not in thy book? Becky. That told me that God had known every tear. There was not one I had shed for my son up to that point, nor would they any that I would share afterwards that he was not acutely aware of, and he was he was saving them. And some I don't know if I may not be interpreting that verse completely, but but it was so comforting to know that he was so fully and completely aware of our grief. He knew what we were going through, and he reminded me in those days, he willingly gave his son so I could spend eternity with the son. I didn't willingly give. I did not willingly give my son. Um, I had willingly given him to the Lord, and it came to God requiring this, and I accepted it. I accepted it, but I wouldn't have given him to anybody for anybody else's sake, uh, neither would any other parent. Uh and uh so it just he just would constantly show me his word and weeping endureth for the night, but joy cometh in the morning. I told Mark, I said, you know, Mark, one of these days I think we're just gonna wake up and suddenly, it's not gonna be sudden, but we're gonna suddenly realize that things are a little better, maybe, because it was just dark, that the everything was just dark. And uh uh one morning I was standing in my living room, and and really I I suddenly went, Oh dear Lord, there's just something, there's just a little bit lighter sense uh uh over me, and I was breathing easier, and I thought, dear, dear Lord, I believe it's beginning to dawn again in this house. And it did, and life continued, and um we became a happy home again. We we truly were, God did not leave us in that horrible place of grief, he did exactly what he says he'll do in his word. And um so from that point on, I meant, you know, jump ahead years and you know, we raised our daughters and uh they're both, you know, they married and had children, and we'd done the grandparent thing and absolutely loved it. And the most one other thing that I'll I'll share about concerning Todd, um, you know, I'd said that I uh wanted to do all those boy things, and Todd had started playing t-ball, and the kid loved it. As a matter of fact, he would in the front yard of our house, he would toss a football over our house, and he would run around to the back, and he could catch that ball before it hit the ground. It was amazing. Uh and he wanted to be a Washington Redskin just like his Papa Bones. Oh, and uh loved sports, absolutely loved it. And um we have nine grandchildren, three are girls, which you know, give me the fru-frou and all the girl thing I have loved. But he gave us six grandsons, and we saw not just T ball in one year of Little League, we saw on up into the years of baseball and we saw football, and we're still seeing. We just went to a track meet the other day with one of Chrissy's boys, and um I believe God gave us those six grandsons so that we could live what we had what we didn't get to live. And I know that's just kind of an earthly worldly kind of maybe way to think, but it was it was just tender to us. And one year, this one that we saw as track meet the other day, he was playing uh t ball, and he was a catcher just like his uncle Todd was. Mark and I sat and watched that almost nine-year-old play catcher in a baseball, just like we had observed years before with our son.

unknown 42:30

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

There are no words to describe how precious that was to us. That was just kind of our own personal little gift from the Lord that he gave us to uh uh, yes, for whatever reasons, our son's life was to be short. But um he gave us uh a bunch of grandchildren and most of them were boys, and uh so we have lived that loved that life shortly after Todd died, just two years. My stepfather died quickly, suddenly, as well. It just seemed like every um death we were associated with until Mark's parents uh you know uh got older. Uh every my dad, Steve, Todd, Mark's brother, Todd, my stepfather, they were all just sudden, uh without with very little warning. Uh but we have found God to be, like I said, exactly who he says he is. He does exactly what he says he will do in his word. He did not leave us comfortless. Jesus did not leave us comfortless. And um when we, as years passed and the girls, you know, left home and they had their families, we began to then become the caregivers for Mark's parents and my mother, and we did that for 13 years. That's a different challenge in life. And um, but I had the most precious relationship with my in-laws, you can imagine. And um I was with each one of them when they breathed their last breath. And so that's pretty much my life. I I now I'm loving uh teaching a lady leading a lady's Bible study. I've done that for years and years. And uh Mark, we've retired from farming, but he's working full-time. Um down hell on a chemical, so he's still working farmers' hours. Uh and our lives are just rich and full at this stage of our lives.

SPEAKER_00 44:44

Let me ask you about something. Whenever I texted you and asked you about doing this, um one thing you said, and I want you to kind of elaborate on it, but you said, I pray I can truly express how much God has done for us. You know, based on what your story is, there's so many people that would think, how can she say that? She lost her son. But can you just speak a little bit into that?

SPEAKER_01 45:12

You know, uh, Becky, part of it is because we had had some trials prior to this. It wasn't, you know, it was just some of those life things that you deal with, like farming is not always every year as successful, to put it mildly. And so we had dealt with some real intense years that looked like Mark might have to change profession and didn't want to. And we began uh really seeking God and trying to discern what he would have for us. And he we began to see his word come alive, and he began, we'd see Bible verses that we're like, okay, God, that just looks to me like that's your promise to us, like uh uh uh the book in the verse now about uh making the crooked places uh straight and the rough places plain, and and we're like, okay, Mark, Mark's deep desire was to continue farming. And that's another one, that's Mark's Mark's testimony. But uh let's just say after Todd's accident, Mark wanted out of farming. And his brother had already died, and um, you know, in that setting, and his father, his dad, and that's another thing I can say about my husband's parents, they they lost a son, and then they saw their son lose a son, and their kindness and their strength and their dependency on the Lord was a great influence on on our, you know, on our lives. But we just through different things, we just saw God's word be real and alive, and and our view of God, He gave, He gave me the son I begged him for. And I told someone one time when they were kind of asking me the same question, I said, um, because I was I was lit literally, I was asked, are you angry with God? And I was flabbergasted at the at the question because I oh, I was wanting my life to be one that would, you know, how soon was this after the accident? Not long, not long at all. Uh and it was a family member, as a matter of fact. And I thought, oh, have I not shown my life, have I not shown her how much I love God and how much I trust him? And oh, and it was very disconcerting to me that she asked me that. But my answer to her was I said, How can I be angry with the God who I begged to give me a son? And he did. I didn't ask for a son that would outlive me. I just simply asked for a son. And he gave me one for almost nine years. And I guess I don't know, Becky, God is just like I said, I I his his word, he he just kind of early began to give us a passion for his word. And we and as I read, even now, um I'm doing a study that's the chronological study of the Bible, so it it's just uh still eye-opening to get a glimpse of God and his glory and his sovereignty and his goodness, even when our circumstances aren't good, and there was nothing good uh from a human perspective about losing a child. Uh, and my heart just oh, every time I hear it, I just I just grieve. Uh because if the if there's if there's anything worse in this world, I I really honestly I've asked God to spare me of it. I'll be real frank.

SPEAKER_00 49:34

Uh as a parent, we've we feel like that's the worst thing.

SPEAKER_01 49:38

Yes, yes, as a parent. I mean, there are other there are other things. But I will tell you something else that God showed me. Um He showed me a young man that chose a lifestyle contrary to uh God's best, and he uh died a slow, horrible, horrible death. And I stood beside his parents, beside his mother, uh at the funeral home. And I did not have that layer of grief to live through that she did. Um so you can always in the most horrific of circumstances, the goodness of God is is there if we will just have the time, even give an inch of a time to allow him to to to let us see it.

unknown 50:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 50:39

Because we have to view that, I say this a lot, we have to view everything like that through his perspective.

SPEAKER_01 50:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 50:45

And not through our human eyes that only see the natural.

SPEAKER_01 50:49

Yes. And you know, God only granted those very you know, Daniel's the one I think of the most, that opportunity, and of course on the Mount of Transfiguration, that opportunity to see the heavenlies and to to see what how much more, you know, there is. And and we are just limited because he and that's faith, you know, that's that's why we walk by faith and and not by sight, uh, or strive to. Believe you me, I I fail a lot. Uh and I should know better by the now the age I am, but God is God is so gracious to meet us where we are, and he met us where we were, and he showed himself mighty and showed himself faithful.

SPEAKER_00 51:35

So at Wynne Baptists years ago, we had several children pass away.

SPEAKER_01 51:42

It was uncanny. The even uh, you know, uh the pastor, one of the new pastors came in and said, This is just for the size of our community, for the size of our church. It was just unreal, the the number of younger children that that did pass away.

SPEAKER_00 51:59

And you were there probably to help walk with some of the people.

SPEAKER_01 52:03

Yes, we we tried to, but I will tell you something that I learned, Becky. Um, and this might seem a little odd. I hope I can explain it accurately. I uh uh we would, we would always reach out, but and and as graciously as they could, they would receive it. But I realized the people that they needed the most were the people they were closest to. We could always offer, you know, later on and at some other point, but that initial hours or days after it, uh that they needed they needed the people who who were closest to them. But we did. We we we we would reach out. We all or we always tried to reach out. Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:50

And I'm sure at some point that connection is needed and helpful.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

And you know, it's one of those uh it's like any experience, shared experience in life when you when you have the same experience as someone else, you are just bonded. You know, that and especially in the in the spiritual, in the Christian realm, spiritual realm, you know, we uh uh just we are we're just bonded because it's a shared, it's just a shared experience. And and so we get to share the difficulties, the wonderful scriptures God gave us, and just the comfort, you know, for for one another. And see, I learned uh from my dad's death and from Mark's brother's death. My mother, as difficult as it was, and same thing for Mark's parents, life does go on. And it it's tempered, it's never the same. Uh my goodness, our son died in uh 1990. So uh 36 years it will be this fall, 36 years. Uh the chances are very great that on the anniversary of his death I will cry as if I just got the word. It doesn't happen all you know nearly as often as it used to. Um but but even something just suddenly out of the clear blue, it seems like, you know, can can just suddenly trigger uh you know uh that grief and it will sw it will swell back up. But you know, I strive to do what God told the children of Israel to do. Remember what I did for you. Remember what I did for you. And uh so I I I fail so miserably so much, but I do strive to uh uh remember his faithfulness towards us.

SPEAKER_00 54:56

So I know that you've quoted a lot of scripture, but do you have another favorite verse that you really lean into?

SPEAKER_01 55:03

Well, when my other podcast, your other podcast that I listened to, I heard you ask that at the last and I thought, oh, what if she asked me that? There's so, so many. Um but I guess one of my one that I quote a lot is it is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. And I will tell you, the way I pray for people when I find out they're in grief, I ask God to allow them to see. He promises that his compassions are new every morning, but sometimes we're so blinded by our circumstances and our pain that we're not aware of them. And so that's one way I always pray for, especially moms that are grieving, that they will be able to see through all of that and see those compassions that that are new every morning.

SPEAKER_00 56:02

That's what he says. Thank you for joining us today. New episodes release every Wednesday, so be sure to subscribe and get notified when a new episode is available. You can listen on the Journey to Salvation website, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. So, where are you on your journey to salvation?