Episode 42 - Inkara Black

Inkara did not have a strong example of a healthy marriage growing up.  Those experiences could have led her down a very different path, but through her surrender to the Lord, she found the one relationship that would last forever...a  relationship with Jesus.  

Transcript

Becki 0:10

Hello, I'm Becky Dowd, and this is The Journey to Salvation. Join me as we walk alongside real people and hear the unique journeys that led them to faith in Jesus. Today, my guest is Inkara Black. Hello, Inkara. Hi, Becky. How are you today?

Speaker 2 0:29

I'm doing really, really well, thank you.

Becki 0:31

How are you? I'm good, thank you. Inkara, we met, I think it was about two months ago. I was in Arizona visiting my friend Mary and Rex, my friends Mary and Rex, and um I also went to their Bible study. I was actually there on a night that you had your last Bible study until the summer started, and I got to meet you there. And um just talked a little bit and we made arrangements for you to share your story on my podcast. So can you just give us some background information about you, where you grew up and that sort of thing?

Speaker 2 1:06

Yeah, absolutely. So uh basically my mother uh she grew up Catholic, so we kind of grew up starting ish Catholic, and then we kind of transitioned through a lot of different denominations and religions, Mormonism, Christianity. Um but my mother kind of pulled away from the church because of a lot of church hurt that had happened and a lot of abuse that had happened in her life that she felt the church didn't adequately support her or rally behind her, um, which definitely it definitely hurt her, but it kind of pulled our entire family away from the church. So um that was really, really hard. But, you know, eventually I made my way back to religion, although it was through Mormonism. Uh my high school was right across the way from a Mormon church. A lot of my friends were Mormon, and they were very kind, they were nice people. Um, and I was going to seminary because it was right across the way from my school. So uh it was a great, great experience to get to know what that religion really was about and what it entailed. But I had too many questions that went unanswered, and not even the um oh man, I'm blanking on what they call him. The uh the pastor, essentially. He couldn't answer.

Becki 2:32

Now, did you grow up in Arizona?

Speaker 2 2:35

I did. I grew up um mostly in Arizona, although my family kind of traveled around because my stepdad at the time uh he worked for Schwans, so we were constantly moving around. I lived in California, Vegas, but I've been in Arizona most of my life.

Becki 2:54

Kind of grew up here. So do you have siblings?

Speaker 2 2:58

Yeah, so my family tree is very complicated. Um, I'll do my best. But my mother, um, she had all three of us children. Um, all three of us share her as our mom. Um, it's me and my older brother and my younger brother. But my youngest brother and my oldest brother was from another marriage. My mom was married to a man and he had a previous son from another marriage. So we kind of incepted him. So technically, I have three siblings. Okay. But yes, so I grew up um around all of them. All of them are very important in my life. And um, we don't do the whole half-step thing in our family, which I think is so nice. Really gives us a sense of community within our own family. Um, yeah, so basically my mother was involved in a lot of abusive relationships. Um she also didn't have like the best upbringing. Families are complicated. Um, and so I guess she never saw a relationship that mirrored healthy and was always seeing relationships that were unhealthy. So um that kind of impacted the way that she views the world as well. And as a child growing up, seeing all of these different men that she was with and the same kind of issues that kept coming up and arising that I could see as a child. Obviously, things happen behind closed doors I'm not privy to. But kind of seeing the same patterns and things, it kind of built up this resentment in me almost for men. Um, that I couldn't trust men. For whatever reason, it didn't matter. Brother, um, brother, uncle, friend, friends, dad couldn't trust them. And um, yeah, so that kind of sat with me for a really long time, so much so that it even impacted my relationship with God, I felt. Couldn't even trust him, you know. Um, but kind of seeing all of that happen to her, I was kind of dead set on not ever getting married, not ever being in a relationship with a man. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see how I could ever come to trust someone like that and trust them not to hurt me in all the ways, mentally, spiritually, physically. But my mother um she got into another relationship with a man who was our other stepdad, who was none of our biological dads. He was um a completely different guy that she met when we were um living in the homeless shelter uh after she had fled her last domestic violence situation with us. And um I saw a lot of the same patterns coming up in her relationship. And I was 12, so obviously I'm not gonna tell my mother what to do or not do, but um, one day he came to all of us and said, Hey, I'm gonna ask your mom to marry me. What do you guys think? And I said no. And of course, my brothers said yes, but I definitely said no. And I think at the time it wasn't taken seriously because I'm 12, I'm 14, somewhere around there, when he asked, and that kind of stuck with me through for a long time. But I came to realize I just need to back off. My mom's an adult and she's gonna do what she's gonna do. So him and I had a very strained relationship, and he actually was very narcissistic and abusive. And I'm still working through a lot of those things that he did to me in therapy. And my brother is as well, my older brother. I'm not sure about my younger brother because he sees him as his closest dad figure, because he grew up with him mostly in the house as his dad. Whereas I grew up with my younger brother's dad being my dad. So everyone's got a different view of it. But um, yeah, so that that whole seeing that play out again and being older and being able to see, wow, my mom really is just making the same decisions over and over again. And no matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to find her way out of these relationships and these mistakes. And I thought to myself, like, I just started to really feel for her more than anything. I used to have this anger about it, but because of how it impacted me. But now more than ever, I was just like, this is just so unfortunate that she doesn't view herself as worthy enough of a man that does not do these things, that doesn't say these things. And that impacted how I viewed relationships. So when I got into my first relationship that was serious at 17 in high school, still busy working, doing all these things that a 17-year-old would do. And I finally graduated and moved out with this person. And at this time, I had officially put God, I don't even want to say on my back burner. I just kind of was like, not for me. You know, he's not for me, which is crazy to say. Looking back. But um, yeah, I moved out, was definitely living in sin. Um, I was kind of pressured into having sex before marriage, which I regret so much. Um, but we were living in sin for a while, and slowly but surely he started to show his true colors. And I would call my friends and my family, and just I'd be crying. I wouldn't tell them about it, but I'd be crying, I'd be sad, I'd be depressed, all of these things. And it got so bad that one of my friends actually said, I love you, and I love you so much, but I can't do this anymore. If you won't leave, I can't watch you drown in this. I just can't do it. And I was really mad at her for doing that. But I kind of needed that wake-up call for someone to just say, I'm telling you, you're if you keep going, you might die. And whether that's from the suicidal ideation and abusing alcohol, you know, the drugs, the prescriptions that I was given, whatever it was, she just had this fear that I was all of a sudden gonna find a way to end it if he didn't do it. And so then, fast forward a couple months after she does that, my friend, who I very much considered my sister in more ways than one, committed suicide.

Becki 9:47

Oh wow.

Speaker 2 9:49

And I can remember it clear as day. Um the person that she was living with was an ex-boyfriend who she was still very much in love with. And he said, Hey, have you seen her? I haven't seen her in a couple days. And I said, Whoa, a couple days. Like you live in the same house. And normally she'll tell me when she's going on a trip or something. So I am not really sure. So I call her, I text her, I don't hear anything from her, and then her brother reaches out to me and says, Hey, have you heard from her? And then another friend from out of state, have you heard from her? And I'm like, This is so odd. And her friend, her roommate, ex-boyfriend, gives me a call again and says, Hey, I'm really worried. And I'm walking him through this. And bear in mind, I'm like 18 at this point, and I'm walking this like 27-year-old man through like what he should be doing. Um, but he was working, and I said, You know what? When you're off work here in about 20 minutes, go home, see if you can see her car. Um, he said he saw her car, and I said, Okay, he must be in the house then. And so how many dates is this? This was like three days. Like about two to three days.

Becki 11:04

And he lives in the same house as her.

Speaker 2 11:06

Mm-hmm. Same place. And he just hadn't seen her. And I was like, well, maybe their paths just to cross, or I don't know. Like, I can't think of anything. So I was like, why don't you go to her door and just knock and say, Hey, I'm just worried about you. You don't have to come out or say anything, or you can put me to the door, like on speaker. I'll say, Hey, just text me, whatever. And he was like, She's not answering, she's not answering and I said, Okay, well, at this point, we're worried about her safety because she did have issues. Um, like some she had severe uh BPD. And so I was like, break her door down. If you have to break the door down, it's just a door. We can change a door. He broke it down, and I just remember him going completely cold, silent on the phone. And I was like, Hello? Are you still there? Hello? And his breath is like super shaky, and he just says, She's dead.

Becki 11:56

Oh.

Speaker 2 11:56

And I was like, Wait, you're kidding? You're I'm sorry. And he was like, No, she's dead. And he starts crying and hyperventilating. And I went, Okay, check. Can you check a pulse? And he was like, There's blood everywhere. And I was like, Find a spot to check a pulse. And I'm like, having to ground this man because he's in shock. And I would be too, anybody would be. And all of a sudden, he's like, No, she's she's dead. I don't know what to do. And he starts blabbing, and I'm like, call, I had to like say his name, like, call 911. I will be there. I'm hanging up now. Call 911. So he called 911, and everybody is rushing to their place, like completely on the other side of town. And by the time we got there, like, I just the only thing I remember is when we got there, the police asked if we're her family, and we said yes, because we're basically her her family. And he said, I do have to let you know that she's no longer with us. And at that moment, I dropped, Becky, I dropped my knees in just pure disbelief. I my mother, I blacked out. According to my mother and other people around me, I was wailing like a banshee for three hours, and the crisis team could not calm me down. It was probably the most one of the most traumatizing moments of my entire life. But in that, in that experience, I kind of started to see and understand being somebody who was affected by someone else's suicide, someone else's way of escape, so to speak. I would never want my little brother to find me, you know, on the floor in my room. Like I would never, I couldn't do that to him. He was for some reason the one reason that kept me there. And I'm I'm glad he did because now I'm here, you know, being able to have this conversation with you and share my story and have been able to share my story with others. But yeah, so that that really affected me. And I finally one day came home and we got into this big fight. My boyfriend and I at the time, he was my fiance technically, and we got into this big fight, and all of a sudden he threw a computer monitor at my head because we worked from home, and I was just in shock. Like I dodged it, thank, thank the good lord, because I don't even know what kind of injuries I could have had from that. But in that moment, I was like, you know what? I got him to calm down enough for him to go to bed in the bedroom. And I went, I should probably not stay here. And woke up the next morning, everything was fine. It was like back to normal. But then the next day, I wake up to this pile of laundry being thrown on me, and I'm like, what is happening? And he starts yelling at me off the rip. I just woke up, he's just yelling at me, screaming about how I didn't do his laundry and now he's late for I think it was PT or something. Like he's just angry. And in that moment, I know it could have only been God who gave me this level of peace about it, but I was so calm, abnormally calm. And I I just stood up, started packing up clothes, and he goes, What are you what are you doing? Like, you know. And I just I finished packing my bag with just bare essentials, and I looked at him and I said, I'm leaving. And he he was like, he did this pity, this sad pity thing to try to pull me back in, which he does every time. And he was like, Well, it's been nice knowing you. And I was like, I turned around and I said, Well, that makes one of us, and I just left. I I don't know if that was the right thing to say at the moment, but it's what I felt.

Becki 16:04

Yeah.

Speaker 2 16:06

So yeah, and then I went back to live with my mom, but my mom was also still married to the narcissist. And leaving an abusive environment just to be put into another one was probably not the best idea. It was the only thing I had at the time, though. So I'm grateful, you know, I at least had a place to lay my head. Um, I got this wonderful dog behind me to help with um, you know, my panic attacks and things like that. I started to get on new medication. I thought, you know, this is on the up and up. I got a new job. I was working overtime and just really putting in the work. When all of a sudden, one night, my mom and him get into this huge fight, and he drags the whole family into it. Like, he's name-calling us kids and like saying stuff about how we're horrible and ungrateful and just all of these things that are just not true. And, you know, I got really upset and I yelled, and I was like, Well, if that's how you feel, why are you even here? Like, why are you staying here with us? What what do you want from this? What do you gain? And he started yelling at me, and I just I blacked out again. And I had these periods of blacking out when people yell at me now, which I still have. Um, and I was like, you know what, I can't do this. So I scooped up my dog. She was like a tiny puppy at the time, and I just went to my room and I locked the door, and I am on I am in this smelly stinky carpet that has been in this house for probably longer than I've been alive. And I'm sobbing, Becky. I am my tears are soaking this carpet wet. And I was just like, I don't know what to do. My body, I just wish my body would stop freaking out because mentally I know what's wrong. Logically, I know what's wrong. I know what he's doing is wrong. I know it's because of what I've been through, but my body is shaking and I can't stop crying, and my blood pressure is just going crazy. And I said, you know what? This is a last-ditch resort. But Lord, if you are real, if you, if there was ever a time to come to me, if there was ever a time where you felt now's the time for you to come back into my life and just take over my life, please take this, like, and I I know I'm not Jesus, but at the time I said, Lord, take this cup of me. Like, let this pass from me. God, I am leaving this at your feet. I can't do this alone. And if I am alone, then you know, I'm just gonna end it. Like, I can't do this. And all of a sudden, it was this like supernatural, what could only be described as the peace of the Holy Spirit just washed over my entire body. And I all of a sudden, it was like I snapped out of this and I just stopped crying. My body completely, I don't want to say numb, but just completely unalmost unfeeling in this way where my high emotions weren't controlling me in the moment. And I was like, there's no way. I cannot believe this is how and then I start to cry again, but they're tears of joy, there are tears of joy this time. And I was like, okay, God. And I in that moment I prayed. I said, Lord, you are you are the Lord of my life. I am I'm not going anywhere. It is just you and I now. I am locked into this for life, and I will do everything and anything I can to serve you and share my story. And that was wonderful. I'm sure that he took that as a really big win. And I started going to church and really starting to get back into the community. My friend that wasn't talking to me anymore, she started talking to me again because I told her about everything that had happened and this wonderful encounter with the Lord. And so we started going to church together, and all seemed to be going the direction that I was always hoping for my life. But as God does, you know, he does tell us when when we're doing things wrong or, you know, not staying open to his plans for us. And I was in the middle of watching a show that I used to watch in high school and pet my dog one night. And I just, this big voice in my head was like, hey. And I was like, okay, put everything's off. What are we talking? What are we talking about? Like, let's let's do it. And he's like, I don't like the fact that your heart is so hardened against men. And I don't like the fact that you think you know better than me what would be good for you. And I was just taken aback and I was like, okay, well, you know, there are some guy friends I guess I could reach out to from high school, and he was like, that's not what I mean. I mean the intimate relational, like one day possibly being a wife. And I was like, Whoa, I don't want that. Like, I don't want that. And he was like, exactly, because your heart is hardened. And I was like, wow, okay. So as any modern young woman does, I was like, let's do this, I guess. Let's go on the dating apps, let's just go on a couple dates, maybe dip my toes in. And I was on all these different dating apps, Becky. I don't know what I was doing. I don't know what was happening, but um, you know, it was like that for a few months, and I went on a couple dates. It was really nice to get back out there. Lots of lots of hurt happened along the way as well, because you know, people aren't always there for the right reasons, and they're also not always so kind. But, you know, I was I was glad that God got me out of my shell at least, and I learned that I could trust him. When he tells me something, I can trust what he says a hundred percent. And one day. He was like, okay, I love that you did this, but let's scale it back a little bit. Because I don't think you're gonna find the man I have for you on you know these this specific couple apps. And I was like, okay, fair.

unknown 22:12

Fair.

Speaker 2 22:13

So I deleted all of them except for one. And the reason I didn't delete this one was because I was having the most positive interactions with people, whether it was like just friends or like, hey, I saw your prompt and just wanted to say this thing. So I kept hinge on my phone. It has all these prompts that really get you to know somebody. And I was like, I'll just leave it. I won't go on it. But of course, as we always do, I went on it a couple times. I I happened to across my my now husband's profile, this this man. I happened to cross this man's profile. And he said, it was like, what's a fun fact about you that no one knows? And he said, fun fact, I've never seen any of the Harry Potter movies. And I was like, Lord, I can change him. I said, this maybe not other things, but Lord, I can change him about this. So I sent him a message, and it's actually a wonderful, a wonderful story about our story personally, which I can get into at another time if need be. But basically, after we had gone on our first date, I felt such a connection with him. And it wasn't one of those high connections where, like, oh, we have so much in common. And that's, you know, I've never had so much in common with someone. There was something about his spirit, there was something about him as a person that was so calming and grounding, and just exactly what I had always envisioned a man of God or a man that I could potentially ever see being with. That's what he would look like. And I'm praying for him. I'm praying hard for him because he was dealing with a lot during our our dating. And I was like, God, you know what? If he's for me, you'll bring him back. I'm letting, I'm letting you have all the control because you that's what you said you wanted from the beginning.

Speaker 1 24:11

So I'm not gonna try to step in and think I know better.

Speaker 2 24:15

And so I prayed hard for him, and my heart didn't harden against him either. And I told God, I was like, you know what? I don't really think the marriage things for me, but I appreciate you like, you know, un unhardening my heart, making me softer. And God was like, No, I I want you to be a wife. And that I think that was the first time he clearly said that to me was like, You, I want you to be a wife. You would be a fantastic wife and a fantastic mother. And I went, whoa, we are going off the DN here. Like, I didn't, I don't want kids. Like, I don't want them to. My biggest problem was I I don't want them to see and inherit all of this trauma, any of this, you know, I don't want them to have any of these generational curses attached to their name, Lord. Like, what a what a horrible thing to put onto a child. And God was like, You are a warrior, you are a soldier, and these things that you think are unbreakable have been unbreakable because you've been doing it without me. I'm here, I am your sword and shield. I am going to break these with you. Your children will not suffer these things. And now, as we're married and we officially have, you know, been married for about three years now. I all of a sudden my heart was just slicked on its axis. And I've been wanting children. We've suffered a few miscarriages, and we're trying to conceive right now, and just keeping it in the Lord's hands. But where I look back a few years ago, I always say this as much as I want children. My husband was but a but a whispered prayer a few years ago. And now is this reality in my life, this leading man, this rock that I can lean on, and that we can pray to God together and have such influence over our friends and family. Everyone says we're they see us and they really see the light of God in our relationship, and that's honestly all I've ever wanted. I just, my world is flipped upside down. I cannot believe at the Lord's redemptive power, like when it comes to pulling us out of these situations that we've we've been in. And that's why I I felt so encouraged to reach out to somebody at some point, whether starting my own podcast or just recording a video on my own. But then you came to Mary and Rex's house and the spirit was just like, you need to talk to her. And here we are.

Becki 27:01

Yeah. Well, and I can understand how you didn't want your children to grow up in the same environment that you were exposed to. Not that you were probably gonna be that type of parent, but you did have those relationships too uh in your own life.

Speaker 2 27:20

I do hope one day that the Lord does bless us. I I know that he's told us that we would be excellent parents, but this season is not wasted, this waiting season. We are preparing our minds, and you know, anytime we have little arguments and things, we we always stop and we go, okay, if we had kids right now, what would we want them to see? What would we want to say? How would we, you know, how would that impact how we treat each other? And it's really kind of helped us, if anything, get closer and um almost having a newfound, kind of like you said earlier, like respect. We do respect each other a lot, but it kind of gave us this newfound respect for each other and the positions that we've been entrusted to, like that he's been entrusted to be the head of our household and to lead and guide us, and that I am, you know, a good helper for him, and he should trust what I say and trust my discernment. And you know, so that's that's definitely been something that I I would not take it back. Any us not having children, I wouldn't take it back yet. Um, because it's it's helped us grow in our marriage. And we have just actually just recently this past uh month, so we actually had a really big, I don't want to say breakthrough, but we had this moment of deep understanding that the people around us are also praying so hard for us. And this baby is already so loved and so wanted that it just it gave us this renewed understanding and joy that like when the Lord blesses us, because it's not just about us when we want the baby, it's also about who that child will impact, when at what point in their lives, the people they'll meet, you know, that the Lord wants them to meet. But everybody is so supportive of us. My mom is buying baby books, my mother-in-law, who her and I have had a bit of a rocky, rocky road, so to so to speak. But um, you know, even she is saving quilt patterns to, you know, make a baby quilt for us. And so it it's definitely not a wasted season. And it's it's been so so beautiful to see the way that the Lord has moved through our lives.

Becki 29:45

So, and Kara, as we wrap this up, do you have a favorite Bible verse or one that you really lean into?

Speaker 2 29:53

I wouldn't say I have a favorite Bible verse, um just because I I'm of the opinion that it changes so often. Yeah. Um, I think right now the the story I would say that I'm clinging to most um is is probably Hannah. Hannah's story. Um, I'm really resonating with it and identifying with it, and it's few and far between, but when things do get a little rocky and I'm I'm doubting in any way, shape, or form what the Lord has already said, because I'm human. I I just go back and reread it and think like the Lord was so faithful to her, why not me? Nothing nothing about us is so incredibly different that he would not, you know, want to be just as faithful to me and things he's told me. So and the people around me. I mean, other people have also said, like, I know you're gonna be a great mom, and you know, just yes, I think you will too.

Becki 30:53

And that story is found in First Samuel, I believe.

Speaker 2 30:57

Yes.

Becki 30:57

Yeah, yes. For anyone that wants to go read the story about Hannah.

Speaker 2 31:02

I probably could have said that's my favorite verse is that whole book.

Becki 31:05

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.

Speaker 2 31:11

Yeah, thank you for having me. Seriously, it's such an honor to come onto your platform and be able to share something so special. And I I really hope that it helps someone. I know, you know, I know that it will. I know it will help someone.

Becki 31:25

Thank you for joining us today. New episodes release every Wednesday, so be sure to subscribe and get notified when a new episode is available. You can listen on the Journey to Salvation website, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. So, where are you on your journey to salvation?