Episode 45 - Jean Taylor

Listen in as Jean shares her story of adoption.  She spent a lot of years questioning why her birth mother gave her up for adoption.  Peace and contentment didn't come from finding her birth mother though.  

Transcript

Becki 0:10

Hello, I'm Becki Dowd, and this is The Journey to Salvation. Join me as we walk alongside real people and hear the unique journeys that led them to faith in Jesus. Today my guest is Jean Taylor. Hello, Jean. Hello, Becki. How are you today? Great. How are you? Good. Hey, thank you for coming in and sharing your story. Um, why don't you just kind of start where it all began?

Speaker 0:35

It all began on November 17th of 1970. Um, I was a close adoption. Um, my mother was never shy about my adoption. She was always very transparent with me. Always knew your your uh my my adopted mother always knew that I was adopted. She always was very transparent. I had all my information that she was given when she adopted me. Um and I knowing these things carried throughout my life. Um it where were you adopted? What city did you? I was I was adopted out of Pensacola, Florida. That's where she got me. Okay. And I'm not uh honestly, to be honest with you, I'm not sure where she finalized the adoption because it didn't just happen right away. She had to go through all the legal procedure to finalize. And it may have been Arkansas, but I'm not completely sure of that. But she did get me in Pensacola. Now I was born in a little town outside of St. Louis, Co-Clayton, Missouri, and I was taken to Pensacola, Florida. I don't know why or how or any of that. That's not made known to me. And the foster family that took me was in Pensacola.

Becki 2:04

Okay.

Speaker 2:04

Um, just a little backstory about my childhood. She knew that there were health issues, um, and she still chose to adopt me. At three, I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Um, and during that time, like right after my diagnosis, my father passed tragically. And um, she was left with me and my two siblings, and we, you know, it was really tough for her. Prior to that, she had lost two children, and she was it was a tough situation for her. We never wanted for anything. We we I always had medical care. We were just your average family, you know. Were the other children uh adopted or were they biological? The other two were biological. She had four, two were deceased, she had two that were living, and she her the longing for more children is what prompted her to adopt me.

Becki 3:24

Okay.

Speaker 3:25

Um I went through extensive hip surgeries um during my childhood. We went through four hip surgeries, we went through extensive sur uh extensive physical therapy, and after about four years of that, they sent me home in a wheelchair and told her that there was a really good chance that I wouldn't have a normal life education-wise, having children, being able to walk, because the surgeries were a 50-50 thing. I went home and um it was the around that time she had gotten in church, gave her hearts to the Lord, and she was praying for healing for me. And so I had I was at home and doing home physical therapy, and just like a baby, we'd learn to walk. I would skit on the floor, I would pull up on things, and then I started taking steps. And I would I I was probably eight or nine years old around that time that I remember. And I would just take steps with the walker, and just one day I moved that walker out of the way and I started walking on my own. And we were going, we I was in Shriner School, so I was in school for disability, and the walking just got better, and I just got more mobile, and I did more on my own. Um, so we started public school in around fifth grade, and I had to have a lot of sped because that if you're in the education field, you know, four years of no education is gonna put a kid real far behind. Um, I don't even think that it was anything with brain damage. I think I was just really behind and I struggled. Um, I from that point on, I had pretty much a normal childhood, learned to ride in 10 speed, did did all the things kids did, played in the mud, yeah, did all I was just a kid. Um so much so that when I turned 17, I was a rebellious kid. Um, and I got an intoxic relationship, and I moved away from home, and I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. And um four years into that, I I was just I dropped out of school and and I was mentally just kind of amiss. I moved back home, and and during that time, I did my first search for my biological mother. And the search was fruitless and silly, and it was just me calling hospitals and anyone that would listen to me. It was just it and it left me very empty and dry. And why did you want to find her? Just why did I want to find her? You know, Becky, to be honest, at that time, I don't even think I knew why. I think I just wanted answers. Why did you give me up? Why did why why why did my life turn out like this? I just I wanted to I wanted to know why she didn't want me, you know. Um those are very real emotions for adoptees. And I finally got home and I moved in with my grandmother who encouraged me, and she knew that I just wasn't in a good place. She knew that that I was just not right, you know. She encouraged me to go back to school, get my GED, and start college, which I did. Um, and then it wasn't too long after that that I lost her to a massive stroke. So there I was, I was grieving the loss of my child, the loss of my grandmother, this toxic relationship that left me unhealed, and then a battling adoption trauma. I was literally a mess. And so I I got a place of my own. And in order to, you know, during that time, I had had some suicidal tendencies and thoughts because I just was overwhelmed with so much grief and all the questions and things. And when I got a place of my own, instead of allowing myself to be suicidal, I drank to forget. It was a numbing agent. Um, and I partied, and this is back when I lived up in Indian Hills apartments, had a little apartment there close to the college, which was good for me. I didn't have far to drive to get to school. Um, and I was still going to school. During that time, I met my ex-husband. And the partying had somewhat settled down because we, you know, he liked the good time girl, and you know, we we did our thing, but it had settled down some because he he he loved me, he was showing me love and acceptance, and I was spending a lot of time with him and his family. We started dating in September. We were engaged by December, pregnant in March, and planning our wedding, and that was a pivotal moment where I really had to examine my life because I was fixing to bring a child into the world and be a wife. And I knew that growing up in church, I knew about the Lord, but I didn't know the Lord. And so I searched for church and I got myself in church because I knew that's where my roots were. And I I gave my heart to the Lord and I said, Lord, if I'm gonna serve you the way you want me to serve you, you're gonna have to teach me how to. And I knew that I didn't want to raise my kid any other way. I didn't want her to see that the person I had become. So the next nine months of my pregnancy were spent getting a relationship with the Lord going so that when she came into this world, I wasn't a mess anymore. And that sort of happened. Like I didn't think I was completely where I should have been, but I wasn't where I I was before. It was better. So the adoption trauma magnified when I had her, like it took off. I had my daughter, and she went through after birth, she went through its separation anxiety. They took her to labor and well, they took her to the nursery. It's where they took her to do all their things. And for an hour and a half, my baby screamed, screamed to the top of her lungs. They brought her back into me and they said, We can't do anything with her. She's just screaming her head off. You just take her, you know. And so they laid her in my arms, Becky, and she was instant, just instant hush. She was silent, and it got my mind thinking, that's crazy. And I would look at her and I would think, how could that woman walk away from me? How could she do what she did? Bitter, bitter question. Bitter is how I, and I was judgmental and I was bitter, and I thought, I'm a mom now, and there's no way I would do my kid that way. I when they started school, I didn't even want my child, you know, and two and a half years later, Wesley came along and I felt the same way toward him. I said, I don't even want them going to school. I want my kids right here with me all the time. That was such a precious time in my life, even though I had a lot of bitterness and anger built up, I still was enjoying my babies and enjoying being their mom. Um birthdays were tougher than Mother's Day was tougher. Because I was so, I just didn't understand. I didn't, I didn't know how to comprehend her decision toward me. And I battled with that. Well, it at one point Mike's husband and I, we we would watch talk shows, and my mom was real big into talk shows, and they would have all these shows about you know families being reunited, how beautiful it was, and you know, uh, and they encouraged me to do that. Now we were a a family of four at this time. We had just bought a house. We didn't have this kind of money to pay a company. And so my ex-husband said, Well, we're we're we're gonna do this. We're gonna pay this company. You don't have to search. We just do this and it's done, and we find what we want to know, you know. And he he he he encouraged it. He it was his way of ending the war that he knew was raging in me. He knew it, and he couldn't do anything about it. Neither, you know, and and another struggle that I had was I had to go to my children at some point and say, I'm adopted. I don't know who my biological parents are, but this this my my mom, because she was my mom, she's still my mom, and she'll always be my this is your grandmother, that's it. You know, that was pretty much how I would have to present that. But even my children saw the struggle. That's what hurt. So we paid the company $1,500 to search. I had made a few phone calls to check in. Three months into it, they went bankrupt. We lost every penny of that money.

Becki 14:02

Oh wow.

Speaker 14:03

And I was devastated. I had so much hope. It was then that I started turning my questions to the Lord. I really started having hard conversations with him and saying, God, I don't understand what you don't want me to know. What are you keeping me from? Why is it like, why am I feeling all these emotions that I can't do anything with and I can't explain them? And they're just there and they're so strong. And I battled with that for a while and I prayed, and and I thought, okay, okay, I I I didn't want to one do that to my ex-husband anymore. I didn't want to do that to my kids anymore. People were coming to me and they were saying things, making remarks that that I know they didn't mean to hurt me, but it was just playing on my mind. And it was horrible, Becky. It was just hard. Like, oh, it could be this, and or that person could be your your biological father. Just things that that that they didn't realize were just tearing me down even more.

Becki 15:24

Right.

Speaker 15:26

And I had this book, and I was writing down things, just joting down notes, things that I that I I really thought I was searching for somebody. So fruitless, you know. And I took that one night and I went to a riverbank and I said, Lord, I cannot do this anymore. I'm I was I was mentally drained at that point. I said, I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to know. I say, I don't want to know, knowing in my mind that's not how I felt. But I threw that in a bank, riverbank, and I watched that float away. And that was by faith in God, I'm not doing it. I'm giving this to you, I'm burying this, and I'm gonna just let you take the lead.

Becki 16:20

Because it had somewhat consumed you.

Speaker 16:23

Oh, yes. Yeah, it definitely consumed my life and was tearing me apart. It was then that the Lord really started to minister to me things that I would need in future pretends and didn't know that I would need. I learned what biblical love was, what biblical forgiveness was, how those two coexisted, and how you couldn't walk in one without walking in the other. I learned so many things about just who Jesus was, how he wanted to, how what he wanted to be in my life. He wanted to be father, he wanted to be mother, he wanted to be everything that I needed, he wanted to fill the voids. That's who he was. And he and I'm not gonna say overnight that that happened because it didn't. It was a process that took place in me over time. And I started loving her and forgiving her, and and it was just a beautiful thing to release all that to the Lord and not not live in it anymore. It was a good feeling. And I'm not gonna say that I didn't have moments still, because I did. I still battled, come to us and said, told us that she was pregnant, she was 17. And um when she came and told us that she was expecting, we did not question what we would do. We didn't talk about it. The the father's family we didn't, who we're still really close to, by the way. We um we none of us talked about what we were gonna do. We didn't say, are we giving up the baby for adoption, or we what are we doing? We knew. Which was what we were having a baby, we were having us a baby. And my my granddaughter is my oldest. Man, she is such a blessing to all of us. Like, even though my mom, they were young kids having kids, she is her own person, let me tell you. Well-rounded, she's just just so smart and beautiful, and she'll tell you, I'm going to college, I'm doing this, you know. It's just such a blessing to see how well-rounded she is. And she knows she is so loved and so wanted. Um, and she has been since day one. It was not that it wasn't tough an adjustment for us, because in my mind, that wasn't what I wanted for my child at that time. But the way the Lord used that birth of my granddaughter was crazy. So you know, as in your birth of a child, you got tons of pictures of things going on, and there's one specific picture that the Lord really used to minister to me. My first real raw emotion toward my my biological mother, and my daughter's sitting on a hospital bed next to my son, she's holding my granddaughter and she's looking down at her. And I don't know what she was thinking, knowing my daughter, she was thinking about Spongebob. Um, but what I saw was something completely different, and the look that went across her face was, what am I gonna do with you? And I was taking it back. And I know that it was in the spirit realm that I could see this, but I I seen this black and white hall corridor, this woman standing there. She's barefoot, big as a barrel, looking down, trying to find her feet. And all she's saying is, What am I gonna do with you?

unknown 20:50

I'm sorry.

Becki 20:52

That was a you feel like that was a glimpse of your mother?

Speaker 20:55

That was a glimpse of my mom, my bala's mother standing in that hallway, and this overwhelming sense of compassion for her flooded me out of absolutely nowhere. I was not expecting it. Just just a little it was God softening my heart toward her because my heart had been so hard, and all I was thinking, uh, you know, my daughter always had support. She had my ex-husband and I, she had um, she had uh well, he was her husband for 10 years. She had her her her ex husband and his family, and we came together and we loved each other and we loved our grandchild. She had a system in place. And I was told that my mother was forced to give up her child and placing it on my mother's. Home. Can you imagine the loneliness that she felt? And that was God's way of bringing about a softness toward her. And I walked in that for a while. You know, I was learning to love her and forgive her and be compassionate because I didn't know her situation. But at the time the Lord was showing me what she in in after learning her situation. Um I'm even more compassionate. So shortly after the birth of my granddaughter, my ex-husband and I, we had struggled for years with things, and we had chosen to no longer you know get a divorce. The best thing for both of us for our kids, um, not ideal. Um but I was grieving that marriage, you know, I was in such a I would say with my relationship with God was in a good place. And I said, Lord, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, and the Lord knew this was all really stressful, you know, just stressful time. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna get one of my friends, and we're just gonna go away, and when we we're gonna go to the beach for a few days. I said, Lord, when I do, I'm taking my Bible. I want to sit on the beach, and I want an appointment with you. I said, I'm making my appointment now, so I need you to be ready, Lord. And Becky, I'm telling you, the Lord showed up in such a way that changed my total existence. Um, I was battling depression for so long, and and the divorce just added to it, you know. So I went to to Gulf Shore. No, I think we went to Orange Beach that year. Me, my friend, and her daughter went, and um, I said, I want you to bring your daughter so you will have someone to hang with while I'm doing what I need to do. I went and sat on the beach and the Lord led me to. I was actually watching a video from a lady who it was a minister, and she ministered from um Exodus chapter 14. And I went back and read it, and a lot of things she was talking about was moving, moving. We say moving on, like, well, if you're gonna move on, where are you gonna move to? That was my mindset, and she presented as we move forward. So I sat down and read that passage, which is such a good passage, and it talks about how um the Egyptians were chasing the Israelites and led them off to the Red Sea and got part of the Red Sea and told the children of Israel, you just walk forward through the Red Sea and I'll do the rest. And it says in the passage that the pillar of cloud, which was really meant to lead them, and that's what it was, moved from the front of them to behind them and separated them from the children of Israel. If you know the story, you know, the children of Israel, the these the Israelite children were slaves of the Egyptians. They were in bondage. So the Lord was showing me all these things, all these years that you've been in bondage to so many things. I'm showing you how to get free. I need you to just move forward one day, one hour, one second, whatever it takes, move forward toward me and I'll separate you from all this junk. Because it wasn't just a divorce, it was a divorce, the adoption, it was so many things. Your childhood trauma, because I had some childhood trauma. I'll separate you from all of that if you will just focus on me and move forward. So I did. Like I went all the way to the beach to hear the Lord say, I'm gonna part the Red Sea and you're gonna walk forward. And from that, that that was a pivotal moment in my life. So many things I was walking away from that I I it wasn't just one thing. Um things began to change in my life. I was lifted out of the depression little by little. I was learning to love myself, forgive myself, and I because I had done some things I shouldn't have done, been in relationships I had no business being in. Um I had done more damage than I did good. Um, and the Lord was releasing me. How gracious of a God to just swoof in and say, okay, we're setting you free. And the more that I focused on him, I learned to put, I didn't know I could have boundaries. I thought I just had to accept whatever. I learned to put boundaries in place. I learned to love myself. I learned to forgive myself, and in forgiving myself, I learned to forgive others and love others. Like it was a beautiful thing, you know. That was a really, it was a it was a good time in my life. It was a settled time. And and even, even we were, we were in the kitchen one day, and my son and I we were, I guess I was fussing at something, and he goes, he's like, Mom, listen. I said, what? He said, Do you hear that? I said, what? He said, that's peace. He walked away. And I have to say, I have to kind of broke on him a little bit because during that time, you know, he had had a scholar uh a scholarship and he was signed with the baseball team because baseball is his passion, and he had given that up to stay with me during a really hard season. He's my hero. During that time of our that season of our lives, he he met his wife, and they moved, they got married and bought a house and started their life. And you know, him leaving home was a little bit of an adjustment. He didn't go far, though. Um, and I had gotten a job that I really wanted and I love it. It's just in a little office um selling satellites. This lady came in one day, and Becky, I'm I'm walking in my freedom, I'm walking in my deliverance, I'm living my life, my kids are good. Great stuff going on here. This woman comes in and she says, I want you to be up in a satellite. Okay, you know, when you deal with the public, you just strike up conversations. She begins to tell me, oh yeah, I'm I'm moving up here. This is my biological father. I found him on Ancestry DNA. And yada yada yada. I'm clinching the desk. I'm like, what? And so she leaves my office. I'm doing my job. Okay, yeah. I'm a top teacher too. My story's not as good as yours, but okay. Yeah. And so she leaves my office and I literally clenched my desk and I look up and I go, why? God, why? I was just, I was in such a good why did you let her come in here? I was agitated that. Yeah. Um, and so I I started talking to my ex-husband about it because he kind of, he's kind of always been the one that that really he would help me, you know. And he had already done ancestry DNA, so I had some questions. I was like, what is you know? He said, Well, it tells you your origin and it tells you this, and it has ancestry. I think you should do this, Jeannie. I think you should do this. And I'm like, What? You've seen me go through. Why would you suggest that? He said, and he kind of he kind of presented it in a fun way. He's like, you can find out what you're made of. I have 1% Nigerian in me. We can find out what you're made of, you know. I'm like, you know, so I found myself getting the kit. I didn't do the test right away, but I did get the kit. And I'm like, and of course I went to my daughter and we talked about it, and she was like, okay, just bring the kit to me. Because if you you're not, you know, you'll just talk yourself out of it. Because I was, I would look at that box and I knew what it could possibly lead to. Because you'd already made peace with I had made, I had made peace. I was good. I was like, and I even told the Lord that when I bought the kit, and I said, Lord, I don't have to do this. I'm good. You know, you you've you brought me out of Egypt, you brought me out of bondage, I'm good. I stared at that box and I thought, you could ruin my life, you know. Uh, and I tried not to look at that way, and I tried to kind of look at it how my ex-husband was presenting to me. Well, this could be fun, you know. Um, so needless to say, I took the kit to my daughter's and she helped me do it, and we sent it off. And every move I made with that kit, I was so reluctant because I knew where it could take me. And I didn't want to go there. Um, of course, you know, I told my mom, I, you know, every single time I searched, I never kept that from her. She's she she would she said, if you ever search, you know, I want you to come to me and be honest. And of course, my my one of my sisters, she had concerns. She said, I just don't want her to get hurt anymore. And I think my family knew the struggle that I had. I know my mom did adopt another child later on in life, my little sister, and and her story, you know, is not my story, it's totally different. She was a CPS child, and she's had a lot to unpack.

Becki 33:23

And so So that's child protective services.

Speaker 33:26

Yes, she she she had some trauma to unpack. And my little sister had already met her biological mother, so my mom had already been through this. So I did the kit, I sent the kit off. In three weeks, you logged in and you had this list of names and how you could possibly be related. And they're called Centa Morgan. So higher the Centa Morgan, the closer the relation. Um, and at the top of the list was my half-sister. And silly on me, you know, this was not the this this came at a time in their lives where they were really grieving. It was really hard because my half-sister was on my father's side of the family, or on the father on my biological father's side.

Becki 34:21

Did you think about I know you're thinking more about your mom finding her, but what did you think about finding other siblings?

Speaker 34:28

Yeah. No, I did no, everything was pointed at that woman.

Becki 34:32

Yeah.

Speaker 34:33

Really, it was. It was just about her. She's the one that carried me, and she's the one that, you know, all that was pointing toward her. I didn't even, I mean, I was curious about my biological father, I think. You know, I just kind of wanted to know, you know, but but but the bitterness was toward her.

unknown 34:52

Right.

Speaker 34:52

Because she had more choice. I I fit I guess in my mind I thought she had more choices, you know, and she didn't didn't take any of that. And so I reached out to my my half-sister, and we had corresponded through emails, and and she she said, Well, I'll do some investigating and see where this is. Because I told her I was, I said, I'm looking for my biological mother. Can you tell me anything? And she came back and she said, and and I think it might have been a little strange to say it to me because I was thinking she's a cousin, you know, maybe one of her aunts or uncles. I I didn't know. And she said, Gina, I think we're half sisters. And she started going into the details of everything, and everything just all the pieces fell into place. And there was this obituary online. I didn't know it at the time that I was reading it and looking at the photo because my mind, I looked at that man's photo and I said, He's not my father. I don't look like him, you know, just being immature and silly. That was her father, you know, and she said, That's your biological father. And it was hard to believe at first because I I, you know, it it didn't sink in. It it I think what it was wasn't that I didn't want to believe that he was my father. I think it was that it it was so it came so fast and so easy that I couldn't. So I was I was getting to know her. She and I met. It was a beautiful thing, it was healing for me. And and she was I was getting to know this man who he he passed away months before I came into the picture. So it really wasn't the best time for them, and it was hard for them.

unknown 36:56

Yeah.

Becki 36:57

Um how long had she known her father or had she always known?

Speaker 37:00

Oh, she'd always known. She'd always known. Um, there was I have two half-sisters. Um, one I met, one I've not I've yet to meet. I guess God just does something with me with pictures, I don't know. So I was thumbing through pictures, and I was looking at pictures of my son and his his smile and my father's smile, and they both have this silly, crooked little grin. I said, and the mirroring of it was healing for me. I said, look at this. This man really is my father, because look at his smile, look at my son's smile. It's just crazy. And then there, then the Lord brought about these tender little moments that didn't hurt, they healed. And my daughter was researching some things and she was going through some photos of my half sister on Facebook, and one night she found one where my sister was sitting with a child on her lap, and it was a sideways view, and she looked just like me. Now, to look at her front ways, you wouldn't think that, but this picture, she looked just like me. And my daughter just gasped and she said, Look at this. She looks just like you. And the mirroring was such a healing, like it was feeling it was, I had already received my deliverance. This was just filling more gaps and holes. That it was a blessing from the Lord, and so that relationship took off and the healing began. And I I started, and not long after that, the Lord prompted me to start looking up statistics on fostering and adoption and how, because at one point I was told that I was just crazy, you know, I'm just I'm just crazy. And the Lord said, I want you to start researching some of this stuff that you've been feeling. I want you to start looking this up, and I want you to start seeing some things. And Becky, when I did, everything that I felt toward my adoption was completely normal. Completely normal. Never heard of it, never talked about it. It was completely, and they call it adoption trauma, which I had never heard of it. I started researching this stuff and I and that and looking at statistics on how many kids are born in this country this way, how many kids suffer with this, how many kids deal with this, and it's such a vast majority of kids who cannot, and my heart just broke because I was one of those kids, and now I'm not. I don't walk in any of that anymore. And I had such a desire to advocate for kids and say, look, if you are an adopted parent of a child, this is what your child could go through. I want you to know this is what your child could go through. But I also want you to know how much hope and healing can come through Jesus Christ, through knowing Jesus Christ, knowing who you are in him, knowing that he never, and I'm always taking it back to the garden because I hear people say, just since my deliverance, I've had people come to me and say, Gene, I'm an adoptee. Gene, I'm I wasn't raised by my mom. They walked away. Numerous just people coming out of the woodwork. I wouldn't say numerous, but people coming out of the woodwork and coming to me and saying, This is what I've dealt with. Why did God allow it to be this way? And I'm taking it back. And I went to the Lord and said, Okay, Lord, they they want to know this. Can you tell me? And the Lord takes me back to the garden where he placed Adam and Eve. And he the if you read that story, it's one of the most beautiful stories of relationship with God because we didn't know sin, we didn't know evil, we chose sin. God never intended it to be this way, and we forget that. When I I had that realization, it was so beautiful and so healing to think my father who adopted me through the blood of Jesus when I come to him never intended it to be this way. So now I have a heart that's for kids that have struggled. And it's not just fosters, it's not just adoptees, it's children raised by grandparents, it's children who've had a parent walk away. They all struggle with this. That feeling of unloved and unwanted is serious. And I want to be a voice that says you don't have to live that way. There's a God that loves you.

unknown 42:28

Right.

Speaker 42:30

Jesus loves you.

Becki 42:32

And just like you were trying to fill that void with finding your mom, you realize that it was really God that could only God that could fill that void.

Speaker 42:40

Only the Lord could fill that. And that's not just for um it's for all mankind. This is this is because even even the in this in the realm that I was in, there's people that that know their parents and they struggle with just different life issues, right? And they try to fill it with drugs, alcohol, whatever, that's not gonna fill you. It's not. You're gonna keep going to that thing that leaves you empty and dry, and only Jesus can fill you. I don't know that whoever's listening today, I can't tell you that you would receive your deliverance the way I did. Some people get delivered instantly with things. It it was years for me, but the magnitude of my deliverance, I can I can tell you, Jesus is the only answer. He's when he says I'm the way, the truth, and the life, he is the way, the truth, and the life. You're not gonna find love in this world. This world is evil. So our hope should be found in Christ, in Christ alone.

Becki 44:00

So did you ever how did you find out about your mom?

Speaker 44:04

So uh yeah, I didn't okay. My half-sister's stepfather, we're gonna get complicated here. He's really big into ancestry and D-Day searches, and he he's just n knowledgeable. And the internet now is just so it's you can public record pretty much anything if you know what you're doing. And so he did a D-Day search and he found her. He found her marriage license and you know, everything lined up through DNA. And I wipepaged her phone number and got it.

Becki 44:48

And what how long ago was this?

Speaker 44:50

This has been um it was, I think it was after my son got married before the fire. It was somewhere in there. So within the last four or five years. Yeah, yeah. No, I think it's even in the last two years, maybe, you know. Her stepfather and I had had we had talked and communicated, and and when I found her, you know, he kind of counseled me, which was really the Lord, it was wonderful. It was a gift my sister wanted to give me, I believe. Um, she wanted to complete, which is we knew the whole situation at that point. There was no, there's no gray area for us. Um he said, and Jean, you you know the situation, so I want you to really consider that when you call her. And that was the hardest call that I had ever made. Yet the bravest call that I ever made. And I called her and she picks up the phone and I said, Oh, hello. And I'm shaking my voice is shaking like I it's hard to even speak. I said, Yes, ma'am, are you so-and-so? She said, Yes, ma'am. I repeated her name, wouldn't make sure I had it right. She said, Yes, ma'am. I said, so I said, I've been searching for my biological parents, and I found my biological father, and now I'm searching for my biological mother, and my search led me to you. Did you have a child November 17th of 1970? Her response, no. And in that way. A sharp, quick, very concise no. And I thought, am I crazy? And I knew, I knew. I did my heart just told me that was her. And she said, her voice got real soft and low, and she said, but I hope you find her. I said, thank you, and I hung up. And I just I wept and I said, Lord, I did find her. And I knew at that moment that that moment wasn't even for me. That was for her. That was about her. Because I had received my deliverance. She knew now that I was okay. And so what what we what we because she never even told my father I was I was coming. She she never told anybody. She was in an unwed mother's home. Who was she gonna tell? And you know, he she's remarried and has a beautiful daughter, and we we just don't think that they know anything. We think this is something that she has concealed and lived with, you know, and that kind of kind of fits the era of time that she had me in, because babies back then born out of with like were just shame babies. You didn't talk about that. So in hindsight, over the years that I struggled with God to find answers, I didn't find it until I released it on to him. I didn't get what I wanted to, and even even in that, I you know, God didn't have to do that because I had released it, but he did. That's how good God is. That's how good God is. And even though we face struggles and battles and we question, and people say you should never question God. Well, you know what? He's my best friend. He's the one I run to, he's the one I tell everything to. How can he do anything with me if I'm not transparent with him?

Becki 49:03

I think questioning and doubting are two different things. I think we can question him, but never doubt who he is and that he is in control of all things.

Speaker 49:14

He's he's in control of everything. And when we put our faith in him, he works everything for our good. And he definitely did this for me. And now I have a heart to pray for these kids. I have a heart for people that can come to me and say, here I'm I'm struggling, I'm battling, and I I want to be that one that says, I understand. I know how real that is, I know how hard that is, and I can sit with you and pray with you and minister to you. I don't have all the answers, but I know a God that does.

Becki 49:52

Thank you for joining us today. New episodes release every Wednesday, so be sure to subscribe and get notified when a new episode is available. You can listen on the Journey to Salvation website, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. So, where are you on your journey to salvation?