The Caring Death Doula

Grief is hard

• Season 1 • Episode 8

Share episode
Speaker 00:

Welcome back to the Caring Death Doula. I am so glad that you are here with me. In this episode, we are going to talk about how grief is so hard. And I'm going to have a little bit of a twist on that. It's not going to be at all what you're expecting because we all know that grief is hard. When you lose someone or something that you really loved, you really longed for, you really really enjoyed having in your life and was part of your life, was a deep connection with, a deep part of your life, there's grief. We all know that. So this is a little bit of a twist when I say grief is hard. There are times when someone is the caretaker, caregiver, excuse me, of a loved one that is dying and actually doesn't even have to be a loved one. You can just be a hired caregiver, right? And you get to know the person you're taking care of and you spend many hours taking care of him or her and you're there and you're talking with them, you're getting to know them, you're developing a relationship. Yes, they're on their death journey. They're walking their last weeks and months, but you're there taking care of them, visiting, spending time, just getting to know them. So whether it's your loved one or you're hired to take care of this person, sometimes They're in so much pain, and this is probably more, I would have to, I've talked with caregivers. I don't know if I've specifically asked them this question, so I think I'm going to go to referring to your loved one in this moment. Your loved one is dying, and you're taking care of them, and you're seeing them suffer, and it's going on and on, and they're struggling and maybe struggling to breathe and then they get to the end and they're not eating and just it wears on you and sometimes you just can I say it you can't wait until they die and you are in that mode of anticipatory grief where you're anticipating that they are going to die They are going to die. They are going to die. And you have to deal with that every day. You don't know when you're going to get the phone call. You don't know when you're going to show up and maybe they just died or they die 10 minutes after you get there. You don't know, but yet you know it's imminent. Like we all know we're going to die and we're all going to die. We know that, but it's not in our faces. But when you're on your death journey, or your loved one is on his or her death journey, you are faced with it. And like I said, every time that phone rings, you're anticipating their death. And so that's a grief that we often don't talk about. And we don't talk about the fact that there is relief when that loved one finally dies. There's relief. And then the thoughts come in. What kind of person are you? I mean, really? You're glad they died? You're glad they are gone? And then that guilt gets heavier and heavier. The shame settles in and then you you start beating yourself up. But I want you to know that grief is hard and you having these feelings is okay because you were anticipating their death every single day, every single visit, every single phone call, every single time the phone rang, it You're like, is this it? Is this the call? Because it's like you can't really grieve someone if they're still here, but yet you are grieving a little bit. You know it's coming. You know you're going to be grieving. And I want you to know that it's okay. It's okay to have that anticipatory grief. And I want you to know that I see you if you are in that right now. Because most people don't realize that. Oh, yeah, they know you're taking care of your parents or your spouse or whomever. They understand that you're doing that. But they don't understand the depth of it unless they've experienced it. They don't understand that. the depth of that anticipatory grief. But I want you to know that I do. And I see you and I'm holding space for you because it is hard. Because this goes on and on and on and on. And maybe your loved one isn't talking anymore. Maybe they're barely eating or maybe they're on an IV. And it's been a year or two years And it is so hard. This grief is hard because your loved one isn't here. Your loved one's already gone. But yet, they're laying there in bed and you come in and take your turn at caring for them. Or you've hired people and you're talking to them. But it's still there in the back of your mind. You're waiting. You're waiting for death. And that's a horrible feeling to have. And it can cause, like I said, it can cause shame and guilt after your loved one has died. Because it's just, it is such a sigh of relief. In a sense, it is a relief that they are finally gone. And I want you to know that that's okay to feel that way. You're not alone in feeling that way. It is not wrong to feel that way. It does not take away from your grieving of their death. It does not take away from your love for them. If you're relieved that they are finally out of pain, that it's over with for them, if you are relieved that finally you can get back to a quote unquote normal life that's okay I want you to know that please hear me those feelings are all okay it does not take away from your love for this person yes you are still grieving you're grieving differently now because they have finally died. Your life has changed. Grief, loss, change, death, they're all changes. Death, grief, and loss, they're all changes. And life is all about changes, the good and the bad. I don't like to say bad. The good and the hard. Changes are good and hard. Maybe you're okay using the word bad. Because some of the hard could be really bad if it was totally out of your control. You know, a drive-by shooting or something like that. But I want you to know that what you're feeling is okay. It's normal and it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Wherever you find yourself in this death journey, either you're waiting for your loved one to die. And that's a horrible way to put it. I know, I've been there. But you see them suffering. You see them struggling. And your life is not the same. same as it was before they entered their death journey. And then, of course, when they do die, you are guilty. You feel guilty for having felt that way that, okay, they're finally gone. Now I can move on. I can get back to my life. I can get back to my own family. There's no shame in that. There's no... Please don't guilt yourself on that. It is very normal. And it's all right. And I want you to know that it is all right. Grief is hard. Another way that grief is hard, which is this is just another little twist that I want to throw out there, but sometimes you were almost thriving in taking care of your loved one and being so involved and being responsible and making the phone calls and setting things up and being there and maybe you almost felt alive maybe this is something you're really good at is managing things and then your loved one dies and then you are sitting in your life now and you miss it you miss having someone to take care of and it's like the thoughts come in again and you start beating yourself up it's like well what are you saying are you saying that you want to have a loved one in pain, dying, just so that you can feel needed or useful or they feel so good because you're serving them, you're taking care of them, that's okay. These are types of grief that we don't talk about. But I want you to know they're out there. I want you to know they're normal. And it's okay. It's okay to have the anticipatory grief and it's okay to miss. There's that grief of missing and it's all tied up into missing your loved one. Don't ever think that it's separate or that it doesn't belong or that it's not true grief or that it takes away from the love that you had for your loved one. It's not. Grief is hard. And there are so many types of grief, so many situations of grief that we don't acknowledge as grief. And that's what I'm trying to do here in this podcast. As the Caring Death Doula, I am wanting and working to get us to understand how complicated grief is. Grief is such a huge part Life is consistent of constant changes, and changes bring grief. The good, the bad, the hard changes bring grief. Death, loss, grief. We need to get comfortable with it. We need to understand it. We need to be comfortable talking about it, living it, acknowledging it, that it's part of our lives. And there are so many different kinds of grief, and there needs to be no judgment, no criticism, no comparison. But we need to understand grief. We need to acknowledge it. We need to get comfortable so that we can be there not only for others, but we can be there for ourselves, holding compassion and grace. You're not broken. You're not doing it wrong. You're not doing it too fast or too slow. This is your journey. I am the Caring Death Doula, and I am here for you.