The Caring Death Doula
In a world that rushes past death and ignores grief, The Caring Death Doula stops to listen with tenderness, truth, and time. Whether you are grieving right now or here to learn how to help those grieving, join your host, Frances, a certified grief educator on the journey of finding connection, conversations, and comfort. Let's make grief and death a natural part of our conversations.
The Caring Death Doula
Death needs to be a natural honest part of family life & conversations
I share a candid story about a family conversation on death that left my daughter almost in tears—and why that moment proves the need for open, ongoing talk about endings and grief.
In this episode we discuss the importance of planning your last days, creating simple remembrance rituals, caring for yourself during heavy months, and supporting others with gentle, low-pressure check-ins.
• making death a normal part of family conversations
• planning beyond wills: care wishes, rituals, clarity
• including children & teens with honest, simple language in conversations of death being a part of life
• creating remembrance traditions that fit your family
• caring for yourself during grief bursts and anniversaries
• using nature to help with grief
• supporting others with texts, cards, and no-pressure contact
• marking calendars for tough dates and reaching out gently
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Welcome back. I am very happy that you are here with me today, and I hope you're doing well. I was having a conversation the other night with my family, and we were just talking about a death and how we need to plan, you know, talking about, you know, just planning your will, planning what you want, how you want your death journey to be. And I was talking with my oldest and not really thinking about um that, you know, I mean, I was just in our living room and, you know, my teenage daughters were there, and just not really thinking about it, just, you know, just discussing things, talking about, you know, what my husband and I should be doing. And, you know, my mother uh is the only one that that uh we have left right now, and if the older gen the oldest generation in our family, and just you know, just talking through some things and how we need to get together and line up some things and just have everybody on the same page, you know, talking about, you know, with my brother and uh in regards to my mom, and just you know, just to ease things for when the time comes. And so when I was done and my oldest daughter left, my youngest daughter was like, you know, she needed a hug. And then she was like, you know, I feel like crying. And I realized, okay, this is just a prime example why we need to talk about death. We need to get comfortable. And I know that maybe that's not the right terminology, that maybe that bothers some people for me to say get comfortable. But what I mean is that we just make it a natural part of our life, of our conversations, so that we're not stuffing it down or whispering or, you know, stopping the conversation when the young people come into the room. I mean, how many children are excluded from conversations because we think they can't handle it? Do you know how much more scary it is for them when there is a death in their family and no one talks to them? Nobody sees what questions they have. It leaves them with nothing. I mean, there it can lead them with anxiety, it can leave them with issues that as they grow older, they have they have issues. Because when they were a child, it wasn't explained to them. They weren't free to talk about it, their questions weren't answered. And so, you know how it is with any topic, anything that you're concerned about, if you don't talk about it, if you don't get the truth or the reality, your mind can make it so much worse. And so it just reinforced for me the importance of what my work here in this podcast and the other big dreams and ideas that I have for my journey here is this really is important. We need to plan out our last days, and that's more than just having a will or a trust, so much more than that. And when grandma and grandpa die, we need to talk. And then six months, a year, five years, we need to still be celebrating. And I know some families do this. Some families, you know, on the birthday of their loved one, they get together and they have their maybe their favorite meal, or they, you know, they have a cake and they celebrate their loved ones' lives and they go around and they just they laugh and they share stories. And I think that's wonderful. And if you have a family that does that, then you're already a step ahead of the majority of people in in the world, in the especially in the Western, in the Western world. Um, and that's just that's my whole point, is that we need to get comfortable, comfortable with death, which in turn leads to grief, right? Like if you're struggling right now and you're having a bad month, you know, maybe October is your anniversary month of your loved one's death. Or maybe you have two loved ones or three in the month of October. October's hard for you. And you know this. Well, you've got to be able to talk to somebody about it. You need to be able to really know yourself, know what you need. You need to put into your calendar and your schedule more rest time if your body calls for that, more time to be out in nature. If you if you can somehow get out, even if it's alone, but if you can just get out, even if it's just for five minutes, but if you can just get out, sit in the grass, put your feet in the grass while you're sitting on the bench. Just be in the fresh air. And if you can't even manage that, then at least open a window. And if you don't want the noise or the sounds of vehicles or people working or their voices, then do it later in the evening. Do it at midnight if you wake up. Do it at three o'clock if you if you wake up. But I want to encourage you, if this is a hard month for you, focus on yourself. It's okay to focus on yourself. Open that window or step outside, but get some fresh air. Get into nature if you can. Get your face up to the sky, you know, and and the heat of the sun if it's daytime, if it's nighttime, enjoy the beauty of the stars and the moon. But think outside of your grief. Think about yourself and re- in resting and renewing yourself so that you can continue with your life. Because, like we've said, you're not going to get over grief. There's no rules in grief, there's no timeline. We're trying to ease the grief in your life by being comfortable, being able to talk about it, reaching out to someone if you know that this is the month. If you know this is the month that's the hard month for them, then reach out to them. And it may just be a text because when you're in your hard moments of grief, you may not want to be around people. You may not want to talk to anybody, you may not want to answer the phone or answer the door. You may not even want to look outside. So even a text, though, is a safe, is a safe thing for a grieving person because they can read it and they can be comforted, but they don't have to respond. And then you, as the supporter, don't be offended if they don't respond. Just know that you've told them that you're thinking of them. A card is another way that it's just a beautiful way for them to receive your support, your thoughts that you were thinking of them. You know, this is their anniversary month, or you know, this month is hard for them. You know, whatever you want to say in the card, it doesn't have to be a lot. It can just be I'm thinking of you. But that card is something that they don't have to respond to, but yet it's there for them to hold. It's there for them to see and to know that they are seen, they are they they are understood, they are known that this is a grieving time right now. I really want to encourage you, if you're a supporter of someone who's grieving, take a minute and just pause and be like, okay, does October hold anything special? Is it the anniversary of the death? Is it the anniversary of the marriage? Is it a birthday? Is there anything in October that would make those that are in my circle of life have a hard time with grief? And just pause and see who comes to mind. And then reach out. Just reach out in a gentle manner. Whatever fits you. Whatever just can just maybe softly nourish them with just a little bit of love. Let's get comfortable with grief and with death. Let's prepare. Let's talk. Let's plan what our death journey will look like. Let's plan how things are going to end. And let's talk about it so that our young people will understand that yeah, someday grandma's gonna be gone. Someday mom and dad are gonna be gone. Help us to value each other and the the beauty of life, the uniqueness of life, needs to be valued and it needs to be understood that it is limited. Let's help each other have an easier time with death and with grief. Let's grieve out loud. Let's be there for each other. This is the caring death, doula, and I am here for you.