Anticipatory Grief

Grief doesn’t always wait for the moment of loss and death—it can arrive early, sit quietly beside us, and shape our days long before goodbye. We explore the reality of anticipatory grief with honesty and care, naming the emotions that surface in limbo—guilt, shame, tenderness, and I validate that having anticipatory grief does not mean you have given up.

 I share personal moments from sudden losses and prolonged declines to show how different paths through grief can feel, and why neither is easier or “better”—just different. One may feel harder but all grief is hard. All grief carries weight.

Together, we talk about what makes waiting so exhausting and how to protect your energy when the timeline keeps shifting. You’ll hear simple, practical ways to care for yourself: creating small rituals, holding gentle conversations, journaling memories, and taking photos or voice notes that honor the time you still have. 

Most of all, this conversation gives you permission to feel it all without judgment. Anticipatory grief is valid, real, and hard—and  yet, it can open space for meaningful connection, a softer goodbye, or a moment of peace in a difficult season. If you’re carrying this kind of grief, you’re not doing it wrong; you’re being human.

 Subscribe for more compassionate guidance on navigating loss, share this with someone who needs it today, and leave a review to help others find support when it matters most.

Sign up for my newsletter, ask questions, and get responses via Email: thecaringdeathdoula@gmail.com

Follow on FB The Caring Death Doula

https://www.facebook.com/share/1CUfH9Kek6/?mibextid=wwXIfr

IG The_Caring_Death_Doula https://www.instagram.com/the_caring_death_doula?igsh=MXdjOTF3MWo2a3RpYw%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Chapters

• 1:23 Welcome & Safe Space
• 2:11 What Is Anticipatory Grief
• 4:01 Shame, Hope, and Mixed Emotions
• 5:36 Personal Stories of Both Griefs
• 7:51 The Hard Part: Living in Limbo
• 9:46 Care For Yourself and Create Rituals
• 12:51 Benefits Without Comparison
• 14:46 Practical Ways to Cherish Time

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:42

Welcome to this episode of the Caring Death Doula. I am happy that you are here with me. I am sorry if you are experiencing grief right now, and that is how you found this podcast. But I hope that it will become a safe place for you. And if you are not currently in grief but desire to learn more, to become a better supporter of someone who is grieving, or any future people that'll be in your sphere that are grieving, I thank you for being here. And I hope our discussion today helps you to understand deeper. Today we are going to be talking about something that is very tender. And I want to ask you if you've ever experienced or if you think that we can grieve before a loss. Anticipatory grief is a very real experience. It happens before an actual loss, which often is due to an illness or a decline of a parent or grandparent, or a big life transition. This grief is natural and valid, it's real. It's not a sign of giving up hope. Nor should there be any shame in it. Please do not beat yourself up. Just like all other grief, this grief before a loss can have all the ranges of emotions. And they can come in waves and hit you just as out of the blue as grief can hit those after a loss. It's like you are preparing for the change, the loss, the death, and even the grief that is coming. Your heart knows and starts to prepare you for the changes coming, and yet your mind refuses or balks at accepting this change. It fights and it brings in the shame and the guilt. But please remember you are not giving up on hope. Don't beat yourself up. Anticipatory grief is not giving up hope. It's just preparing yourself for the reality that is coming. And it is a prime example as to why we need to get comfortable with grief. We need to get so comfortable that we talk about it, that we acknowledge and understand that it is a part of our lives. Anticipatory grief would not be so hard for people. I've gone through both types of grief. I've gone through the grief where boom somebody dies. I've gone through the changes of an onset of an illness. The relationship that just abruptly ends. And I've been on the other side where I've had anticipatory grief of a move, of a change, of a loved one declining, being told his cancer pill is no longer working, and he can go on hospice if it's his choice. So I understand the differences. I see it. And I know many of you have experienced it, but if we could just be comfortable with grief, because when someone's in that anticipatory grief, most people don't acknowledge it. They don't support them. And so here you are trying to go on with your life, but yet your loved one is dying, or this there's this major change coming up, and everybody else is just going on with your their life, and no one seems to understand. No one's acknowledging, no one's being a presence so that you can talk about this. It is a prime example of our need to talk more about grief and get really comfortable. This grief, like all others, affects your body and mind. It's both harder and more beneficial than grief from a loss that gives no warning. Harder because you are living in limbo between two worlds. Like I mentioned before, you are taking care of or visiting or managing that some change is coming, that your loved one is dying. And at the same time, you you have to go on with your life, and nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care, no one's there for you. It is a prolonged state of grieving, of pre-grieving, of living in this grief, of living in a prolonged state of grief, and it can be draining. Because you have no idea when it will end. And you'll go through where if it's a loved one's death, they may say, oh, he's he's he's declining. It's gonna be a matter of time. It's only gonna be a couple days, and then a week later, your loved one is still still present. He hasn't died yet. And then you're wondering again, and nobody seems to care. Nobody's there for you. This can really take a toll on your emotions and on your body. And so it's very much important, vital that you take care of yourself, that you cry if you need to cry, if you can communicate with your loved one, with the people that are involved in the change that's coming. If you can have a conversation, if you can do rituals that will increase your memories and help you to enjoy this time. Because that's one of the benefits of anticipatory grief. And I know this is hard to hear, but you get a chance to say goodbye. You get a chance to possibly work out anything that needs to be worked out or worked through. And sometimes in these tender moments, you can talk to your loved one before they move out, before they come to the end of their death journey, and things can be healed. Maybe there can be extra laughter, there can be talks of memories. Now, this isn't always going to happen, and I'm sorry if you've had anticipatory grief, and then you've had the death or the change, the loss, and you didn't have that chance to do all the things that you could do that maybe you could have done, but that just wasn't your situation. That doesn't make your situation any less hard. I'm just trying to show you how anticipatory grief has its hard is harder on us. But yes, it also could have its benefits, doesn't always. But it helps you to lean in a little bit and maybe cherish this time, knowing that the loss is coming, that the change is coming, that the move, the child, adult child moving out, that your life role is changing. There's grief, and feel free to cry over that. Remember to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to. But also realize you've been given a gift that a lot of people who have a loss, an abrupt loss, don't have. And I'm not comparing. I am not comparing grief. I am just trying to define the difference between the anticipatory grief and the grief that comes after the loss, after the change. One is not better or easier than the other. It's just different kinds. Both are grief that will go through all the motions, or can both grief have the same, where there's no rules, there's no shame or guilt. So I want you to remember to take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself if you're in dealing right now with anticipatory grief. Journal, cry, try to really think about ways that if you can, it depends on your circumstances, but if you can, rejoice right now, have a conversation, take the extra pictures, maybe write letters, create a memory journal, do whatever rituals your family does together, have a favorite drink or a favorite meal. And just remember to take care of yourself, especially if this is a loss of going to be a loss of a loved one. I hope that you can spend extra time with them. But it's draining because it's prolonged and you don't you don't know when the end's coming when when talking about the death, the coming death of a loved one. Now, if you're moving or your child is moving out, those you have a date on them, so it's not quite the same as someone who's in an illness or who's declining. But the biggest thing I want you to take away from this is please take care of yourself. Do what you need to do because this prolonged grief, this prolonged period of time of grief, the anticipatory grief, please do not beat yourself up. There is no shame, there is no guilt. This is very valid, very real, very hard. Take care of yourself. And if you know someone who is waiting, who is going on that death journey with their loved one, please keep them in mind. Reach out to them at times and try to bless them. Try to be a presence for them so that if they need to cry, if they need a break, if they need to talk. Anticipatory grief is very hard. It is very real. And I just wish that we could be more conscious of it so that we can be there for each other. My heart goes out to you if you are dealing with it right now. Please reach out. You can find me on Instagram, you can find me on Facebook. Reach out to me because I am here for you. I see you and I'm holding space for you. I am the caring death, doula, and I am here for you.