Grief In Real Time

In this episode, we move through a week of shock after a sudden family death, a second funeral in town, and the strange mix of a full house and private numbness. We explore how small rituals, better listening, and humane workplaces can hold grief with more care.

• sudden loss and the protective fog of numbness
• contrast between anticipated and unexpected death
• family gathering as comfort and strain
• funerals as support and emotional activation 

• small rituals for nervous system care
• setting boundaries and choosing rest
• why workplace bereavement must change   

• planning for the firsts after a death
• an ongoing commitment to share the journey

I’m The Caring Death Doula sharing my fresh grief, encouraging connection and conversations on grief. We must make changes. We must support each other differently, stronger, compassionately, and longer. I’m here for you. Be there for someone. 

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Chapters

• 1:22 Opening And Holding Space
• 1:48 Sudden Loss And Family Gathering
• 3:34 Shock, Numbness, And Fog
• 4:34 Attending Another Funeral
• 7:15 Exhaustion And Wanting To Withdraw
• 8:56 Fragility Of Life And Priorities
• 11:37 Work, Caregiving, And Self‑Compassion

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:41

Hello, this is Francis, your host of the Caring Death Doula. Thank you so much for joining me. It really does mean a lot to me that you are here holding space for me as I hold space for you, here to learn how to support each other and just how to walk life with grief. I in my last episode, I shared with you how my my brother-in-law died unexpectedly on January 30th, a Friday. And so the funeral was Wednesday, so I did not get an episode out last Thursday. And, you know, it's been a hard week. And it's been good in the sense that my out-of-state children have come home. My home has just been full of people and children. And it's it's been wonderful. Uh, we even hosted a nephew from out of state one night as well, and that was a blessing to just be able to be with him, you know, before the visitation. And uh it was just good. It was good for my husband. It was his nephew. So that that's um that was very good. So there's been a lot of good amongst this, but it's it's been hard. And if you're in in the raw grief right now, just know that I am here for you. I'm witnessing you, I'm holding space for you. You know, I I feel very numb. You know, this whole week we've been in shock, we've been numb. You know, like I said, it was unexpected. His wife found him. And just a lot of emotions with just a lot of emotions, just a variety, and like I said, the numbness, like it doesn't seem real. Which I know happens in all death, you know, all grief. There's there's uh a lack of reality because it just it numbs you, puts you in a fog. And so the same day that my brother-in-law died, there was a dear older man in our town that died. So his funeral was Saturday. And on Friday, I was feeling better. I was really feeling like I was able to just feel a little bit and and enjoy my grandbabies and my children. And I was just feeling better. And I thought, you know, I can go to the funeral. I want to go to support the family, you know, go to the visitation before the funeral and stay for the funeral. And so that's what I did Saturday. And it just brought up more emotions, you know, and made me very much emotional for the for the for the day on Saturday. And I am totally wiped out again and just very numb. I did not, you know, yesterday I was talking to my oldest daughter, and I'm like, I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to make Sunday dinner for my family. I I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be with anybody, you know, and and that's just a natural, it's a natural experience that you may feel, may go through after someone dies, and you've possibly attended the funeral, just the whole, all the emotions, you're just so numb. And you know, I really just want to sit in my recliner and have my hot cocoa and my heating pad and comfort food and just ignore everything and everyone in the world. Um yeah, so if you if you know what I'm feeling right now, you know what I'm feeling. It's it just shows you how fragile our lives are when someone dies unexpectedly. Like my brother-in-law, the the older man of the town, he was sick, and he was almost 83, which is still not not really that old, but he had been sick and in pain, and so it wasn't totally unexpected, you know, not like my brother-in-law. But it just it really shows you how we we we just must figure out what really matters, you know, and just really spend time with the people that are dear to your heart, whether that's your family or just close friends that have become family. It's gonna be a very interesting week because, like I said, I'm just I'm tired, I'm I'm wiped out, exhausted, I'm numb, and I don't really care. I don't care, I don't care to be with anybody outside of my immediate family. I don't, I don't want to go anywhere and have to deal with just the common things of life, the things that I don't know. You know, and I don't, I'm starting up a business and some different avenues of of what I want to do in my business, and I don't even feel like doing that. I mean, it's just really that's why, you know, the story that I shared with you about the woman. I mean, this isn't this was my brother-in-law and a dear friend that died this week, and it wasn't my spouse. And so that sh that story I shared with you about the woman that she could take a week off, but she always she had to do, you know, she still had to do work, virtual work for her, for her company. Um I'm just like, how? I mean, honestly, I don't see how it could even be good quality, let alone how did she do it? You know, I mean, I yes, sometimes we have to push ourselves. If you have little children, they have to be taken care of. You know, there's yes, there's things that you have to do. Like I got up this morning and I've I've I've boiled the chicken and put it in the crock pot, and I've made the other things to go in the crock pots. And yes, I'm I'm taking care of my family. I'm doing what I what I need or have to do. But I have to keep reminding myself, make sure that you still make time, you know, for yourself, that you have a dance party, put music on and have a dance party, and you know, make that hot chocolate, enjoy it, sit for a minute, open up the curtains and just absorb that sunshine. I mean, that there are things that we do need to do. But I just can't imagine if it was my spouse and I had to work this first week. I just, I mean, I don't know how he could have done it because I had a house full of people. You know, I had a house full of people, and I was cooking all, you know, cooking the meals or providing the meals, heating up the meals, you know, whatever. And I don't see how you can work. We need to change that in our in our workplaces. We need to rally together and change how we support each other. I mean, the the second funeral of the that I attended of the uh the older man, you know, it was at his church, so I went to the funeral, and there were some people I hadn't seen for a while, and and this one one woman comes up to me, and I was happy to see her. She was happy to see me. She must not have known that I lost my brother-in-law because she didn't say anything. And she really didn't say anything about the man that we were attending the funeral. You know, we were standing in the the foyer before going through the visitation line, and she just starts talking about her life and about her children and grandchildren, and just, you know, her husband was retired and what they've been doing. And I'm just I I was I don't want to say I was stunned, but I just, you know, I nodded and I smiled at the right places, but it wasn't the time for that, you know. It's even when an older person dies, I I we still need to support each other. There is still a gap. Um, you know, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, they FaceTime their grandbabies, and I can't remember now if it was every day or every week. But there's gonna be a gap in that family because you know, grandpa's not gonna be there. The granddaughter has her, I think, sixth birthday party this week, and grandma and grandpa always came to all her birthday parties, you know. So it's like we're not waiting for a holiday for the the first of the first, you know, it's like it's like boom, a week after the funeral, here is our first first of the grandbaby girl's birthday party, and he won't be there. These uh episodes in the next few weeks are gonna be my my journey, my process, my my life of moving through of moving through this, and I hope it can help somebody. Just know that I care. This is the caring death doula, and I am here for you.