Holding Space for Grief

Grief doesn’t wait for the calendar to clear, and it rarely gives a warning. After an unexpected death in our family, we sit with the shock, the numbness, and the way priorities snap into focus. 

In this episode Frances discusses what do people really need in those first days—and in the weeks when everyone else returns to normal? We talk candidly about the urge to gather our children and grandbabies, the care not to push them past their limits, and the deep relief when presence becomes possible. That tension—between need and respect—reveals a simple truth: love and life are fragile. And, presence  matters. 

We open up about how personal loss forged our path into grief work, and why the role of a death doula is as much community-building as it is bedside support. The heart of our conversation is practical and all about creating a safe place. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” we offer steps you can actually take: bring a meal, sit and listen without fixing or sharing your own experience, and keep checking in after the service. You’ll hear how small, steady gestures create a net that holds families when they feel too numb to ask for help, and why revisiting stories of the deceased is not repetition—it’s healing. It’s presence. It’s becoming a safe place for the grieving person. 

If you’ve ever worried about saying the wrong thing, or if you’re carrying your own fresh grief, this episode is a companion and a guide. We challenge the social habit of rushing sorrow, and we model a slower, kinder approach that honors the ongoing nature of loss. By the end, you’ll have language, tools, and the conviction to show up for someone you love—today and again later.

 Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more people find grief support that is calm, practical, and real.

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Chapters

• 1:24 Welcoming Into A Grief Space
• 2:32 From Personal Loss To Calling
• 3:19 The Shock Of An Unexpected Death
• 4:34 Needing Family Presence
• 5:56 Balancing Need And Not Pressuring
• 7:14 Gratitude And Being Held
• 7:57 Why Ongoing Support Matters
• 9:01 Practical Ways To Show Up
• 10:23 Reach Out Today And Be There

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:43

This is Francis, your host of the Caring Death Doula. Thank you for joining me today. It means the world to me. You know, when I realized that grief work was going to be my work, it was becoming my passion. And I know that sounds strange to people. They don't want to talk about death. They don't want to be around grieving people. They don't know how to handle it. They don't know what to do with it. And they just would rather avoid it. So I so I know that it seems strange, and I understand that, that I would want to hold space for grief. In a way, it's something that, as strange as it sounds, it's something that lights up my soul to be here, to have created a space for others to come and feel supported. That just it really does mean a lot to me. It lights me up. It is my passion, and it is going to be my work in this season of my life. And my journey of becoming the caring death duelist started with my dad's death. And since then, it's been two years. Two years that I have worked through my grief, two years that I've trained and taking, taken a variety of classes to do this grief work. Two years since my dad died. And that's it's very hard to think that it's been two years since he died. But since then, you know, there's been death in the community. There's been death for those around me. But nothing close, nothing really that would make life stand still for me and really make me understand and grasp sharply and painfully the fragility of life, how fragile life is. You know, when my brother-in-law died on Friday, we went to his home to sit with the family. First we went to the hospital to be there in those moments when he's just those those those first moments. And we went to his home to sit with the family, to show our support, to show our love. And it was really an interesting feeling for me that I wanted my children. I wanted my local children to come and be a part of, be a part of this gathering. I I needed them. I needed to see them, have them around me. As the family started arriving back home, the grandson coming from college, the granddaughter coming up the two hours from where she was living, just as everybody started coming in, I wanted my local children there as well. You know, we need presence. We need to feel those arms wrapped around us, the hand holding ours, sitting next to us. We need that. We need that presence and we need that love. And as I sat in those first days in that first week, I realized I needed all my children. I needed my out-of-state children to be here. But it's a lot of pressure to put on them. It's a hard spot for them to be in. I needed them. I needed to see them because of that sharp, stark reality that life is precious and fragile. Because remember, my brother-in-law's death was so unexpected, very unexpected. He was not sick, he was not ill with anything. He just died out of the blue, in a sense, you know, just that unexpected death. And so I needed my, I needed, I needed my children. I needed to hug them and hold them and feel them and be in their presence. I needed to see my precious grandbabies because life is fragile. But yet I didn't want to put any pressure on my sons to travel with their families in winter, to take time off from work. I could only hope that this need was going to be fulfilled. Hope that they had employers that would give them time off. Hope that school programs would allow them time off. That my son could find somebody to take over his church on Sunday, to allow them to take time off, to come to honor a cherished uncle, to be with his family, to be with their family, to gather together, to grieve together. I want to thank you for tuning in. Because at this time in my life, I realize how much I need others. I need my family around me. I needed their presence this past week. And it was so good to see them. It was so good to have them around. But I need, I need others in my life to hold space for me, to help me to hold space for my family. So I want to thank you for coming and listening to this episode today. For holding space for me. And I hope you know that I'm here for you. I'm holding space if you are grieving today. You are not alone. You are understood. Because it has been very revealing. I mean, I already knew this. This is why I got into this grief work. Because when my dad died, there were so few people that supported me. And I saw how much of a need there was. And now my brother-in-law has died. And I just, life goes on. And I just, my heart's going out to my nieces because it was their dad. And so people are going to think the funeral's over with. You get back to work, life goes on, and they're not going to be holding space for them. And the widow, my sister-in-law, we may hold space for her. We may, you know, touch base with her, support her for a few weeks, and then it's going to dwindle, and she'll be all alone. And so this is why I'm doing this. This is why I've I've done this podcast, so that we can be with each other. Because I see how lonely it is. And so this death of my brother-in-law has solidified my work, my passion to do this work. Because this is not the time to be alone. If you know someone who's grieving, I want to encourage you. And I hope that you can really be there for them. I hope that these podcast episodes that I that I put out can help you in some way to be a presence, to understand what's needed for someone who's grieving. Be that presence. Just sit with them. Or send them that text that says, I'm thinking of you today. And as we've talked about in other episodes, there are so many little things that you can do that will mean a lot. You can stop in with their favorite cup of coffee. You can bring a meal, whether it's homemade, store-bought, or picked up. Or maybe you can just sit with them or give them a call. And you're going to listen. You're not going to tell them, oh yes, this happened to me, and this is my experience. This is what I went through. You're not even going to say, as I know it is the first response that we have in these situations. Oh, I'm here for you if you need me. Let me know if you need anything. Tell me how I can support you. If you need me, give me a call. Okay, they're too numb right now. They're too numb to be able to tell you what they need. They don't know what they need. But be there for them. And you know, you never know when you sh make when you show up. When you make that phone call. It may be the right moment. When they needed to hear that somebody cared and was thinking of them. They needed someone to sit with them. They needed someone to listen. To let them tell their story over again. To let them share whatever their heart needs to share in that moment. So I want to encourage you to reach out to somebody today that you know is grieving. And whatever way is comfortable for you. Perhaps it's just sending a card. But whatever way that you have the capacity to reach out to someone today, I ask you to please reach out to somebody. And if you're grieving, know that you're not alone. I am here for you. Thank you for supporting this podcast. Thank you for creating this space with me. Thank you for walking alongside of me as we change the way we handle grief. How we support grief, and how our society deals with grief. I am the caring death dealer, and I am here for you.