Grief of Two Funerals in Four Days

Grief doesn’t follow rules, and it may sometimes not even arrive one loss at a time. 

This week, your host, Frances, shares a raw, intimate account of attending two funerals in four days while holding the quieter ache of a father whose memory feels too easy for others to forget. The contrast is striking: the shock and numbness surrounding a brother‑in‑law’s passing versus the slow, complicated sorrow of a parent you loved but didn’t fully know. That tension opens a compassionate space for anyone who has ever wondered if their grief “counts” when the relationship was distant, uneven, or misunderstood.

We move from story to structure, noticing the parts of a service that either comfort or create friction: the flow of the ceremony, the choices made by clergy, and the unseen labor of funeral home staff. Those details become prompts to prepare—clarifying wishes, organizing documents, and making sure loved ones aren’t left to guess under stress. Planning is framed not as morbid, but as mercy: a gift to the people who will one day need clarity, calm, and care.

The conversation also challenges workplace norms. When a daughter returns to work the day after a funeral, it exposes how narrow bereavement expectations can be. 

 And throughout, we honor the many valid ways to mourn: photo albums and stories, quiet rooms and small circles, laughter among grandkids, or simple silence. For those who feel like the only ones left to speak a loved one’s name, Frances offers a steady hand—say the name, share the memory, keep the thread.

If this resonates, share it with someone who needs permission to grieve at their own pace- to grieve outloud in their own way. 

Subscribe for future episodes, leave a review to help others find this space, and share : whose name are you keeping alive today?

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Transcript

Grieving A Distant Father

Family Bonds And Gaps

A Week Marked By Funerals

Shock Versus Slow Goodbye

Practical Lessons From A Service

Rethinking Workplace Bereavement

Many Ways To Mourn

The Weight Of Grieving Alone

An Invitation To Grieve Out Loud

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Hello, thank you for coming and joining me today. This is Francis, your host of the Caring Death Doula podcast. As I'm sitting here the week after the funeral of my brother-in-law, Daryl, I'm also thinking of my dad's death. And I'm thinking of the grief that I have for him. It's been two years. The funeral for Daryl was actually on my my dad's birthday. And you know, I was so numb and so centered on the grief, no, so numb from the grief of his death and you know, having the family come in and just the grieving and that it was the funeral. I didn't even think about the fact that it was my dad's birthday. And I'm I'm thankful that I didn't because I didn't need more grief. I couldn't have handled any more grief. But I've been I've been thinking about that. That I'm grieving my dad alone. There weren't, and I don't know, I'm not talking numbers. I I'm not sure what what exactly I'm saying, except it doesn't feel like there were many people that grieved my dad. You know, I didn't we weren't close growing up. He loved me in his way. And I know as an adult, I know he loves me. He he had told me he loved me at times, and I told him I loved him, but we weren't really close. I mean, I think we understood each other. And we had some good conversations when we would talk. We didn't we didn't call each other very often, but you know, he was still my dad, I still loved him, and so I I'm grieving him, and I sometimes I feel very alone because he didn't he didn't take the time to get to know my husband. And so they don't really have much of a relationship. My husband probably would say he didn't really know my dad, he wasn't close to him, he didn't really know him. And the same for my children. He was not he was not really a grandpa to my children. Uh there was one son who was in baseball, and for some reason my my dad did start going to his games and became involved in his life. So I think for that son, he was, he felt close to his grandpa, and he probably grieved the most, or had, you know, had the relationship. Had had had his grandpa in his life, in his, I don't remember, junior high, high school years. But you know, the the other children weren't weren't didn't know their grandpa really, especially my two youngest, really didn't know their grandpa. I mean, they knew who he was, but they didn't really know him. He wasn't part of their lives. And so it's like everybody else has just gone on and forgotten him, and and I'm the one it matters that he's gone, that that sometimes the grief will hit me. You know? And I I just been sitting here thinking about that, you know, because I had the funeral of my brother-in-law, Daryl, last week, and it's my dad's birthday. You know, the month of February is my dad's birthday. And uh Saturday we had another funeral to go to. Uh, a dear, a dear man in in our community, in our town, that was a special friend to our family. You know, our family he meant a lot to our family. And so my husband and I, and some of our children that were able to went to the funeral on Saturday. And I don't know how many of you have ever gone to two funerals in a week, especially when one was so close. It was hard. It's still hard. It really brought up the second funeral, and he was an older man, he was in his 80s, you know, and he'd been sick and suffering, and so you know, those those times it's almost a relief sometimes when they pass. Not that you aren't grieving, not that it's not hard, but it brought up for me different issues, you know. With with my brother-in-law, I think it was just the numbness, it was just it the shock. We were just all grieving. It was just different. There wasn't a lot of thinking. But going to the second funeral, I didn't, well, I don't know if I really thought about it, but if I did think about it, I would probably think that it wasn't gonna quite hit me the same way. But I wanted to be there for the for his son and daughter-in-law and all the grandchildren and the nieces and nephews. But it brought up some different things that made me look and have a discussion later with my husband of things that we need to make sure that that are set up, that are you know, organized, and just some things that you just start questioning that I like I said I hadn't thought about with my brother-in-law because that was just the emotion, the grief. But with this second funeral, just some things became aware. Just I don't know if it was being around the funeral homeworkers for the second time in a week. I noticed different things. And, you know, the pastor, the service, the type of service, how things were handled, how things were done. And I'm not even sure why I'm even telling you all this, sharing all this with you. I just know that we need to support each other more than we do. Our societies, our communities, we need to change how we deal, how we handle, how we talk, how we walk life with grief. The employers need to change their ways, many of them, and be more compassionate. You know, my my daughter ended up going to work on Thursday, the day after the funeral, and it was hard for her. She needed more time off. But she didn't feel, you know, she asked for Wednesday off, and she didn't feel right asking for Thursday off. Didn't think that, you know, she would be understood as to why she needed that time off. And that grieves me. That I feel the burden of that. Because we need to allow people, I mean, if they are ready to go to work, let them go to work. But if they need extra time, we need to change our thinking on this so that we can be there for people, so they can take the space they need to be with the people they need to be, to grieve as they need to grieve. You know, as I've talked in the past, some people want to get the pictures out of right away and share stories and look at pictures, and other people don't want that. Other people need to just be alone with immediate family. Others want want friends and extended family, and they want more of a conversation, or maybe they want the distraction of children or grandchildren and playing games and laughing and and just being together. So I I don't know if this I don't know if this episode is making any sense. I don't know if it's hitting any of you, if it's encouraging, supporting any of you. I just I just know things need to change. I can't change how many people or like I said, I'm not counting numbers, but I I can't change who's grieving for my dad. I can't change the way he lived his life and how he chose to be close or not close to people, what he thought, what he assumed people wanted or didn't want, how he loved us by staying back and allowing us, you know, I don't know what he was thinking. And I can't change that. I can't change the numbers of the people that are grieving for him. But man, do I feel alone. Like I'm the only one left to grieve for him. That if it wasn't for me, his name, Amil, would not be spoken again. That if it wasn't for me, no one would be grieving him. If it wasn't for me, his life would it matter? His his life wouldn't be remembered. And so being in these different situations that I'm grieving alone for my dad. Grieving with the many others who are grieving my brother-in-law, grieving the local older man who was ill and suffering in his eighties. There's so much wrapped up in all these different ways. And yet the main thing that's coming through is that we need to be there for each other. We need to understand grief, to be willing to talk about it, to be willing to change how we handle it, how we talk about it. We need to grieve out loud, to not be ashamed of those tears, to not have to be strong, to be okay, to say I'm not okay. I need help. I need a hug. I don't know what I need. Just know that if you're grieving today, I am here for you. I'm holding space for you. You are not alone. This is the caring death, dealer, and I am here for you.