Why “I’m Sorry For Your Loss” Still Matters

In this episode, Frances, The Caring Death Doula, pushes back on grief-shaming and makes the case that a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is better than nothing.

Frances shares how to move from polite words to real presence, and how to invite stories, hold tears, and build a culture of support without perfection.

• why simple condolences still matter
• how not reaching out deepens isolation
• presence over fixing as the core skill
• questions that honor the loved one
• learning grief skills we were never taught
• moving beyond scripts without shaming others
• practical ways to check in after the funeral
• choosing connection over perfection

If this episode touches you, please let me know. Leave a review and share so others can find the support they need either in their time of grief or in supporting someone who is grieving. 

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Chapters

• 1:23 A Reel That Crossed The Line
• 3:21 Why Simple Condolences Still Help
• 4:49 We Were Never Taught Grief Skills
• 6:59 Presence, Listening, And Safe Space
• 9:01 Better Than Silence: Say Something
• 10:59 When People Miss The Moment
• 13:07 Ideas Without Shaming
• 14:44 Let’s Choose Connection Over Perfection

Transcript

Why Simple Condolences Still Help

We Were Never Taught Grief Skills

Presence, Listening, And Safe Space

Better Than Silence: Say Something

When People Miss The Moment

Ideas Without Shaming

Let’s Choose Connection Over Perfection

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Hello, this is Francis, your host, and I want to thank you for listening in on the Caring Death Doolah podcast. I'm going to be doing something a little bit different today because it just is on my heart. Now, most people do not get all the uh reels on grief like I do. I mean, that's pretty much all I see is reels from other people, other groups that are sharing their experience of who died in their life and how they're feeling, the numbness and how to how to be helpful and all this. Well, this one reel came up this morning and it has really upset me because it is so wrong. She basically said, when you're sending a text or a card or even seeing somebody in person, she's like, don't say, I'm sorry for your loss. She basically called you an idiot if that's what you've done. Now, she used a stronger, a stronger word than idiot. I don't even like using the word idiot, but she used a stronger one. I'm not going to use it because I want to keep this show clean, but it really upset me. Because I felt like it was a step back in the grief movement. In those of us who want to educate people, who want to help people, who want to encourage people to connect, to support each other in grief. It doesn't help to have somebody out there calling you an idiot because you say, I'm sorry for your loss. She was claiming that that doesn't mean a thing. That is not helpful. That doesn't feel good. People aren't going to remember that. They're not going to appreciate that. And I'm sitting here, I just went through the death of my brother-in-law. And anybody that said that to me, that texted me that, that sent took the time to send me a card and wrote, I'm sorry for your loss, or put that in uh the comments under a post that I that I put out on my Facebook page, that still means something. Now, it may not be the best thing to say, but sometimes that's all we know because we did not grow up being taught how to handle grief or how to handle death. We don't talk about death in our communities, in our families, in our churches, in anywhere. You know, we didn't grow up being instructed on the best thing to do. Now, maybe there's a rare few of you that, yes, your grandparents talked about it. Your your parents, they they showed you that you take a meal or you go and you sit with with a with a family that has had a death. You know, maybe, but that's very rare. Some of us have grown up where we didn't even go to a visitation. We've never been to a funeral until it hits us personally, directly. You know, we're not teaching our children. So you may have grown up, and that's all you saw. The majority of us, that's all we know to do is say, you have my sympathies, or I'm sorry for your loss. And so for this woman to come in and just totally nix that and say, you're a horrible person, you're a blank because you use those words, to me, it's a step back. And it's and it's extremely maddening and it is extremely sad because you don't encourage people, you don't instruct people by first offending them or putting them down. That is not how that's not a good teacher. That's not a good that's not a good way of doing things. So this is a little different podcast, but I I want you to know that if that's all you know to do until you start realizing that you want to do more, or you listen to my podcast and you're like, wow, I could do be doing so much more. I love what the caring death doula is teaching me. And yes, I want to do that. Oh, now I understand. I understand the presence is more important. Being a safe place. Now I sit there and I tell you to be a presence and to listen. And I may even encourage you to ask about the person. Well, you may take my advice and you may go do that. And then if you could come back to me, you would say, Francis, I just made someone cry. And I know that's hard. I know that's hard when somebody cries because we're not comfortable with being sad, we're not comfortable with crying, we're not comfortable with holding grief and holding space. But I want you to know that if you ever sit with somebody and they cry, you gave them a safe space. That they felt safe enough with you to cry. That's huge. So I don't want you to beat yourself up that you've been, you know, a terrible friend because you didn't know what to say, you didn't know what to do, you didn't know how to be there when they lost their spouse, when they, you know, whatever their grief, whatever the death, the change in their life was, you didn't know how to help them. You didn't know what to say. You didn't even really want to see them crying, you didn't really want to see that they were sad, but you didn't leave them alone. You were there for them and you listened. You didn't try to fix them, you didn't try to tell them to hang on, to be strong, that oh, they can do this. You acknowledge that this is hard. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know it's this is hard. And maybe you ask them. It it depends on the relationship, whether they're friends, family, whether they're just someone that you meet and you find out that they're grieving. Tell me about your loved one. What was his name? You will see that they will light up because they need to talk about their loved one. Yes, they may cry, but they also needed somebody to listen. You can learn, you can learn to support someone who's grieving, you can learn to be a better person, but don't neglect sending the sympathy card. Don't neglect sending the text. And if all you know at this point is to say, I'm sorry for your loss, you have my sympathies as you're going through the reception line or you meet them in person, it's a lot better than getting nothing. I have had the experience with my brother-in-law. He died, and I shared with a friend, and she did not say the words. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry to hear that you have my sympathies. She just started caring on about something else that I had said in the message, and then she was going on about her life. And if you've been listening to my episodes, you know that I went to the funeral of the man in my town, the older man in his 80s that had died. It was his funeral, and this woman comes up to me and she's starting to tell me all about her life and all about what she's doing. She whips her phone out and she's showing me all these pictures. And yes, I was happy to see her. Yes, I want to see her her pictures. I want to hear about her life, but not at that moment. Not at that moment. There was no talk about what we're feeling. There were there was there was nothing. And that is so lonely. So I I am, I am upset at this other person who's out there with her reels, and I don't know, I didn't look to see how many people had watched her, if it was hundreds or thousands. And maybe some people will just kind of look at that and go, oh, yeah, that I can say something better. Because she did go on to say what you could say, but she didn't need to say you're a blank, if all you say is I'm sorry for your loss. Because believe me, if you're with someone and they don't say even those simple words, it hurts worse. I mean, you're not going to be hurt by the words, I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, maybe they're not as comforting as maybe something else could be. But they're better than nothing. So shame on that person. Shame on that woman that sit there and is calling all of us, because if all of us have done this, shame on her for calling us all blanks. Because that doesn't help. I mean, yeah, she had all these ideas, but when I'm in the moment, I freeze, and all I can say, all I can write text is, I'm sorry for your loss. And now she's saying that I'm a blank. I'm an idiot. I'm a much harsher word. If I do that, then oh my goodness, I'm gonna freeze up. I I don't know what to say, what to write. And then you do nothing. And that's what we don't want. We want to get comfortable, and it takes time to get comfortable. It takes time to learn how to be supportive, how to talk about grief and death. Because we're not taught that. We're not surrounded by the acceptance that death is part of life and that we need to be comfortable with death. Most of us are afraid of death. Most of us are uncomfortable talking about death and grief and sadness and hurting and being lonely and not being okay. So I hope my podcast don't ever offend anyone because that is not my heart. I'm not here to criticize you. I am here to support you. I am here to encourage you to support others. I'm here to encourage us all to be connected. Because life is precious, life is fragile, and we are all hurting in our own ways. We grieve in our own ways, and we need to stop judging each other. So please, if all you can say is I'm sorry for your loss, you have my sympathies or my condolences, say it. Because I have just gone through a major unexpected grief. And there are people in my community, in my circle that have said nothing. And that hurts worse than somebody who wrote me a card or sent me a text or even said it to my face. I'm sorry for your loss. Because at least they took the time. At least they took the minute to send me a text or a minute, or maybe two or three, to write it in a card, to put the card in the envelope, to address it, put a stamp on it, and walking it, walk it to the the post office or their mailbox. Because there are people out there that have not reached out to me. And I don't understand that. Because they have gone through deaths themselves and they still aren't supporting me. And that's why I'm doing this. I am tired of all of us being lonely, all of us doing this life without connection, without support. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to fix anything. You don't have to even, like I said, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to do it right. But just let's support each other. Say I'm sorry for your loss. Because we are. Because it's a hard thing when somebody dies. There's an emptiness. You have to learn to carry your love differently. You're not the same person anymore. And if so, someone at at least acknowledges that it's gonna be hard. It's least it's something. And it's much better than nothing. I am the caring Death Dealer, and I am here for you.