When Grief Knocks You Sideways

Grief doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It arrives and sometimes it knocks you flat. 

In this episode, I open up about the death of my brother‑in‑law and how the shock unsettled not just my thoughts but my body, even with years of training as a grief educator and death doula. The point isn’t to prove we’re strong; it’s to learn how to be gentle with ourselves when grief hits.

I share practical ways to create pockets of safety: a few minutes of sunlight on your face or  a  cup of hot tea. 

We also reframe crying as a powerful, biological reset rather than a loss of control. If tears don’t come easily, try a movie that loosens the valve. If tears do come, drop the reflex to stop them or to apologize. Never be ashamed of your tears. 

Another thread runs through the caregiver’s dilemma: when you’re the one holding space, what happens when the loss is in your own family? I talk about the surprise I felt about being hit so hard with grief and how strong the fear was. Sometimes we need to step back from being “the strong one.” 

Mixed emotions belong here too—joy and sorrow can live in the same breath, the same photo, the same memory.

 You are not broken, and you don’t need fixing. 

If this lands with you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs permission to feel, and leave a review so more people can find support when the waves hit. 

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Transcript

When The Expert Becomes The Griever

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Hello, this is Francis the Caring Death Dealer. Thank you for joining me here. It really means a lot to me, and I hope it's an encouragement or support for you to be here. I really struggled last week when I was looking ahead for this Monday episode. I just didn't know what else to say. I didn't know if I could do it. I'm really struggling with my brother-in-law's death. And I think in a way it surprised me. I'm a certified grief educator and supporter. And I guess I just thought I would be there, that I would know how to take care of myself and grieve and be there for others. I just, yeah, I just thought I could do it. I mean, I didn't really think about, well, when the time comes and I lose somebody, you know, within the family circle. Because we don't think about that usually, or not much anyway. So I was, I was really, I was surprised. I am surprised at how hard it has hit me. And of course, it's an unexpected death, so it is gonna hit hard because it's like a slam out of the blue, you know, on the side, just knocking you over. And I've had several people in my life that have said, well, it's different. You know, it's different when you're a grief worker and you're holding space for other people. But then when it's personal or it's within your family, it's different. I've been encouraged to perhaps not necessarily be there for my family. To not be the one to support them and hold space for them. And that doesn't really sit right with me, even though I do understand what they're saying. Because I need to take care of me, I need to work through what this grief is doing to my body. And it has hit me hard. It has hit my body hard.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

And there's there's several factors in there.

Body Reactions And Fear

SPEAKER_01 3:29

But I was really surprised at how much fear, having studied grief, having been, you know, gone through the courses of the different kinds of griefs and the different feelings that come up and the different ways that we handle it or don't handle it, I think I was, I am really surprised at how much fear that's there and how hard it hit my body. So I just wanted to come on today and just encourage you that if you've been hit hard, just hang in there. I know it's hard. And I thank each one of you that's holding space for me and my family. And I want you to know that I'm holding space for you. It is hard. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself. You're doing things to regulate your nervous system, your body, that you're aware of what's going on?

Permission To Feel And Cry

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Are you holding in your grief? Or are you crying?

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Are you ashamed of your tears? And when they start to come, do you apologize? Do you brush them off? Do you stuff them down? Because crying is the best way to regulate your nervous system. I know someone who, when she's feeling in those low feelings, for whatever reason, she'll put on a movie that she knows is sad, a movie that she knows she'll cry. And she doesn't make it mean anything about herself or anything about anything. She just lets it come. She lets the release come. And she cries in that movie because sometimes, sometimes we can't cry. We don't let ourselves cry fully.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

We hold back. Like I said, sometimes we apologize. And I don't want you to do that.

Practical Ways To Self‑Soothe

You Are Not Broken

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Never apologize for your tears, never be ashamed of your tears. Your tears are your love. Your tears are a way for your body to release that pressure of that grief, of the loss, of the love. And sometimes tears can even be the release of the joy that goes along with the sorrow. You might have a picture that brings a smile to your heart and joy, and yet it's of the person that has died. And so there's that mix, and it's okay. So your tears can be a mix of sorrow, they can be a mix of happiness. Know that that's okay. You are okay. However, you are handling grief right now, you are okay. However, you handle the wave of grief that comes out of the blue is okay. Know that you are not broken. You do not need to be fixed. Just hang in there. Continue to take the one little step that you can take, whatever that may be. Maybe it's getting outside, getting some fresh air, getting the sun on your face. Maybe it's just a hot cup of tea. Maybe it is putting that movie on that you know you're gonna cry and letting yourself cry. But know that you are not alone, you are so loved, and I am here for you. I am the caring death doula, and I am here for you.