Grief and a Birthday

A birthday can be a celebration and a gut punch at the same time, especially when it arrives only weeks after a funeral. 

Today I’m holding space for my brother in law’s family and anyone staring down a hard date: your loved one’s birthday, an anniversary, the first holidays, or even a small tradition like “the day the pond opens” that used to belong to someone you love. 

These milestones don’t just bring sadness. They bring memory, meaning, and the reality that life keeps moving even when your heart is still catching up.

In this episode, we talk honestly about why the first year of bereavement can feel numb, and why the second year of grief can sometimes hurt more as you become more aware and active in daily life again. 

I share a simple message that can change everything: you’re allowed to grieve exactly as you are. Cry if the tears come. Scroll the photos. Tell the stories. Gather with family and celebrate the life your person lived. Or keep it quiet and private if that’s what you need. This is your grief, your way, and in your timing. 

We also name the pressure that makes grief heavier, like people saying it’s time to “get over it” or insisting your loved one “wouldn’t want this.” I offer a kinder path: give yourself grace, set boundaries when you need to, and remember that many people struggle around death because they were never taught how to show up for grievers. 

If you’re looking for grief support,  and a reminder that love and the sorrow of loss can be carried together, press play. 

If this helped, subscribe, share it with someone facing a hard date, and leave a review so more people can find it.

And always remember, you don’t need to walk this alone. I  am The Caring Death Doula, and I am here for you. 

Let’s change the way we talk, live, and support grief. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Welcome and thank you for joining me. Today is my brother-in-law's birthday, and it's been a little short of two and a half months since we had his funeral. And I'm just thinking of all of you that have a loved one whose birthday is coming up. Or maybe it's your anniversary with your spouse. And these days feel different, don't they? I think of my my brother-in-law and his and the life he had. The memories I have of our families getting together. I deeply am thinking of his wife and his daughters today.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

As I know their thoughts are heavy.

Why Milestones Hit So Hard

Lean Into Memories And Rituals

Ignore Grief Timelines And Shame

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Daryl's birthday. And how hard this first year is with all the first birthdays, the first holidays without your loved one. Sometimes you're so numb that you just kind of get through that first year, and then it's the second year that's actually the harder year because you're no longer quite as numbers. You're a little bit more aware and actively living your life. And so often it's the second year that's really hard. For some people, it's every year when that birthday or that anniversary or that special occasion celebration comes. Whichever it is for you, it's all right. I know there's people out there that would comment and try to make you feel bad, whether they're trying to or whether they just they don't understand, they don't know how to handle your grief. And so to them, it's like, well, you're still grieving, you got to get over it. It's been, you know, two years or five years. But I want you to know that however you are feeling today, in upcoming days of memories, of celebrations, occasions, where it's your loved one's birthday, it's your anniversary with your spouse. Maybe it's grandpa's favorite day because the pond was open and you could go fishing. You know, whatever, whatever it is for you, just lean into it. Enjoy those memories, cry the tears if you need to, if the tears come to the surface. If you reach for the the photo album or your phone album, and you go through the pictures, laugh, smile, cry. Maybe you're going to get together with some members of your family and celebrate the life that your loved one had and all they did and all they meant to you. That can be good and healing in itself. If that's what you need. Don't let anyone dissuade you from doing what you need, what feels good to you in your life. As you're walking this path, this journey, learning to carry your love intermixed with that grief now. You're learning how to carry grief and carry your love in a different way. So don't let society, coworkers, even family members tell you that it's been enough. It's time to move on, it's time to get over it. It's time to love again, it's time to live again. That, oh, he wouldn't want you to be like this, or she wouldn't want you to do this or that, or not do this or that. Give yourself grace and extend grace to your family and your co-workers because they don't understand. They haven't been taught. We don't talk about death, we don't make it a natural part of our lives. And so often we leave grievers alone to walk. And we can make them feel bad and we can make them feel guilty, we can shame them, and that's not our intentions, but it's what we know, and we just think, you know, toughen up, get over it, move on. But I want you to know that you do what you need to do. Do what you need to do and honor this day, honor your loved one, honor the celebration, the occasion that's coming up. Cause I know I am. I'll be thinking of Daryl's family. I'll be thinking of it being his birthday.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

The day of his birth that started his life. And it makes me smile because he was a good man.

You Are Not Alone In This

SPEAKER_00 6:48

He lived a good life. He had a life where so many things that he desired in life, he was living it. And that is a joyful thing, that is a happy thing. So just know I'm thinking of you, if this is where you're at today, or this week, or this month. You may even have two or three days this week. Maybe one is your spouse and another one's a grandparent, and maybe one's a child or a pet. Whatever your memory this week, this month is that you're celebrating, maybe you're dreading it a little bit. Just know that I'm thinking of you. You are not alone, though it feels like it. There are others walking this same journey, trying to get us all comfortable, all open and willing to be honest about grief and about death, and to look at it and not be afraid of it. I am the caring death, doula, and I am here for you.