Grief Asking For Attention

Grief has a way of making us disappear from ourselves. 
In this episode, we discuss how we stay busy, stay quiet, keep it moving, and hope time will do the work we refuse to touch.

 But when nobody talks about grief, we often stuff it down, then it starts leaking out through anger, isolation, overworking, and that constant feeling that something is hanging over us.

We take a clear look at what grief really is and why it’s bigger than bereavement. Yes, it includes the death of a loved one or a pet, but it can also be the death of a dream, the end of a career, the loss of a role, or the painful realization that life doesn’t match what you hoped for. When we broaden the definition, we stop minimizing our own pain, and we get better at supporting friends and family who are struggling.

We also talk about avoidance and the coping habits that can become destructive: drinking, drugs, gambling, binge watching, relationship cycling, and nonstop productivity fueled by caffeine and no sleep. 

Most importantly, we talk about what real grief support looks like: finding someone who will listen without trying to fix you, rush you, or talk you out of your feelings. If you’ve been told to “get over it,” this conversation is your permission slip to slow down and take care of you.

Share this with someone who needs it, and consider leaving a review so more people can find support when grief feels unbearable.

Holding space for you,

Frances, The Caring Death Doula

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Transcript

Welcome And The Silence Around Grief

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to this episode. I'm so glad you joined me today. I don't know whether you listened to last week's episode or not, but I want to touch some more about taking care of you in grief. Because whether you've experienced this yourself or you've seen it in other people, a lot of times when we have grief, we don't want to face it. We don't want to talk about it. We don't want to deal with it. We don't even know how to talk to other people when they're going through it or when we're going through it. We don't know how to support each other. We don't know how to talk about it. We don't want to talk about it. So oftentimes we ignore it. We ignore the friend or the family member that we can see as suffering and struggling with their grief. But yet we don't know how to help them. And for ourselves, a lot of times, since we don't want to talk about it, we have no one to talk about it because no one wants to talk about it. Everyone will tell you, oh, it's time to move on. What you're still not over that. And like I keep mentioning time and time again, that grief is not just for the lost, the death of a loved one. It can be the death of a dream. It can be a death, the grief of looking at your life and realizing it's not what you wanted it to be. It can be something that

Grief Beyond Death And Loss

SPEAKER_00 1:30

you put your heart and soul into that didn't succeed in the way you wanted it to. It can be the death of a pet. It can be the death of your career, of a role, the end. When I say death, it's the end. Those are the same. And so whatever your grief is, I want you to understand that I see you. And I understand. Our society is not made to talk about death and grief. And so we stuff it down, we ignore it, and we suffer because of that as a society, as family units, as communities, and as individuals. And last week's episode, I touched on taking care of you and taking 48 hours and taking a break. And I want to expand on that. Because a lot of you, a lot of us, we don't want to face grief. And so we'll look for anything else to fill that void, to fill that hole. Because if you don't talk about it, you're stuffing it down, you're ignoring it, you're denying it. And so there could be a lot of emotions that come up and come through. Maybe someone's angry. Well, they're not really angry at the situation. They're not angry at you.

The Many Ways We Avoid Pain

SPEAKER_00 3:05

They're angry because they're denying their grief. Or maybe someone doesn't want to go anywhere, doesn't want to do anything. That's grief. Maybe they're sick. They feel it in their bodies because grief will settle in our body if we don't deal with it. Maybe you're one of those that you're just going to work hard. You're going to clean your house over and over and over and over again. You're going to work. You're going to get more sales. You're going to do whatever your job is. You're just going to keep busy. You're going to keep moving. Being busy. But you know what? You can't run from that grief. You cannot run from your grief. It's always going to be with you. It's going to be in your body. And if you don't pay attention, if you don't start talking about it, if you don't find somebody who will listen and not give you advice, not try to fix you, not try to convince you to move on, get over it, but someone who will truly listen, then you are going to suffer. And you may not see the suffering, but it's there and you know it. If you are honest and true with yourself, you know it's there. There's something hanging over you, there's something lingering in you. But in your body, it's going to hit you. And it may be years from now, and you may not connect the dots that this is because you have not dealt with your grief. You have not taken the time. And I

When Grief Settles In The Body

SPEAKER_00 4:55

know, I know there's a lot of you out there that are sick and tired of all the talk about self-care and wellness and taking time for yourself and journaling and whatever. I understand that. But I want to encourage you to please find someone that you can talk to. Someone that you and I know you don't want to talk about it. I understand that. But I also know that you cannot keep working to avoid the grief. You can't try to fill it with something else, whether it's drinking, drugs, gambling, whatever is destructive or can become destructive, something that you're doing, maybe you just binge watch on TV. Maybe you start and stop relationships. Maybe you just work as much as you can 24-7, barely getting any sleep, drinking that caffeine during the day or those energy drinks. I want you to hear me. You need to take care of you. The longer you let grief settle into your body, the longer you you force grief down, you ignore it, you stuff it down, you try to run from it, the harder it's going to get.

Finding Someone Who Truly Listens

SPEAKER_00 7:07

But where you you talk about it. I am the caring Death Dula, and I am here for you.